Ally McBeal (1997–2002): Season 4, Episode 11 - Mr. Bo - full transcript

Much to Richard's surprise, Chubby Checker is not dead, but is in fact at the bar with a charity Twist contest. Elaine & Mark, Ally & Larry, and Ling & Richard are in their competitive mode, and Ling gets a hot Spanish dancer to team up with and coach Nelle. Meanwhile, Melanie invites John back to her place and introduces him to local homeless man, Mr. Bo. John think he's being stalked by him, but then finds out he means more to Melanie than he assumed.

I know I stand in line

Until you think you have the time
To spend an evening with me

And if we go someplace to dance

I know that there's a chance
You won 't be leaving with me

When I was little...

...I used to pretend Nancy Sinatra
was singing this song to me.

You're kidding. When I was little, I
pretended Frank was singing it to me.

- John?
- Yes?

Do you want to walk me home tonight?

If I tic more than normal,
it's because I'm nervous.

I've never done this before.



You've never...?

No, I don't mean I'm a virgin.

I've never brought a man
to my apartment.

In fact, I've never brought
anyone back to my apartment.

Well, I'm honored, then.

I hope my underwear is clean.

No, it was a joke.

Ready?

Ready.

Whoo!

You live here?

Yeah.

I feel safe and cozy. I just
can't have any dinner parties.

But where do you even sleep?



Ta-da!

And...

...is there a commode?

Yes. Yes.

Do you need to go?

No, no, I'm fine.

Is it too weird?

No, I quite love it.

And I suppose if
you misplace something...

...it saves time.

Yeah.

Same for when I...

...want to get a guy into my bedroom.

You got me there.

John, I...

I so wanted you to see my apartment.
Do you really like it?

Melanie, it's magical.

How did you find this place?

I know the super. He set me up.

- Okay...
- I'm sorry.

- There we go.
- Sorry.

- When I'm...
- Nervous?

Yeah.

[RUMBLING]

There may be an earthquake.

No, it's not. That's the other thing.
This isn't technically an apartment.

What is it?

An old service elevator.

VONDA SINGS:
I've been down this road

Mr. Bo

Walking the line
That's painted by pride

And I have made mistakes in my life

That I just can 't hide

Oh, I believe I am ready

For what love has to bring

I got myself together

Yeah, now I'm ready to sing

I've been searching my soul tonight

I know there's so much more to life

Now I know I can shine a light

To find my way back home

Oh, baby, yeah

Oh, yeah

First up, where's John?

He's sitting in on Melanie's class
again to see...

He's in love with her, follows her
around like a puppy dog. It's gross.

Excellent. Next up, new client.
Roth Public Relations. Big ticket.

A former employee is suing them.
Ally, I'd like you to handle it.

Mark, second chair. A meeting
set up for 9:30. Moving on...

- Wait, what's the case about?
- About $200 an hour, your time.

The cause of action?

A receptionist claims she was fired
for being too chunky. Ridiculous.

- What did the client say?
- She was fat.

Our client admits
that was the reason? Fat?

She is. I saw a picture. A beast.

I am certainly not gonna
take that case.

The client wants a woman.
You'll do it. Final note:

There's a charity twisting contest
at the bar Wednesday night.

Chubby Checker will sing, which is
a treat since I thought he was...

What's the word? Dead.

I bought five entries at $ 1500 a pop.

Nelle, you'll have to
round up a partner.

- I don't twist, Richard.
- And I'm not gonna...

I'm a champion twister.

[GROWLS]

Did you say Wednesday night?

I think an office bet could up the
ante on fun. 1000 bucks? Takers?

I'm in.

I have Elaine.

- Excellent. Nelle?
- I don't twist.

- Ally? 1000 to you?
- I'm in.

[GROWLS]

I knew a man, Bojangles
And he'd dance for you

In worn-out shoes

Silver hair, a ragged shirt
And baggy pants

The old soft-shoe

I think you know this.

- He jumped so high
- Jumped so high

Then he lightly touched down

What?

Mr. Bojangles

Sing with us, John.

Mr. Bojangles

Mr. Bojangles

Dance...

They love that trick.

I knew it was coming.
I meant to do it.

[BELL RINGS]

Recess! Recess! Lucky! Lucky!

- Miss West?
- Yeah, Benny?

- When will we see Mr. Bo again?
- Would you like to see him again?

Yeah, we all would.
And you promised.

Well, I will work on it, okay?
Go play.

- Who's Mr. Bo?
- It's Mr. Bojangles.

He's a homeless man living on Treemont
Street that I passed for years.

I took the kids to visit him once.
Almost got fired for that.

Mrs. Stiles won't let me
bring him to class.

Does he really dance?

Um...

He can.

Would you like to meet him?

- Well, I...
- I'd love it if you would.

Okay. Then, yeah. I'll meet him.

Mark's waiting with the client
in your office.

This is silly. Nobody hires
new lawyers on the day of trial.

Anything can happen around here.
We don't live in a real world.

Does chauvinism live in reality?
Firing a receptionist for being fat?

Is that what the real world
has come to?

- Ally. This is Geri Hill.
- Hello.

You're the client?

I'm very grateful for your
stepping in last minute.

My other lawyers were
just not up to it.

You...

...as I understand the file...

...discharged the plaintiff
because she was...

...fat?
- Not fat. Just overweight.

- Ah. And being overweight...?
- She can't really do the job.

- Because...?
- She's not attractive enough.

Look, I don't think that I am
the right lawyer to argue this.

I'm afraid I need you. I'm out of
both lawyers and continuances.

Richard said you're a good attorney...

...with an excellent grasp
of the superficial.

Did he?

I don't think I can see my way
into taking up your cause.

I don't believe people should be
judged on a first impression.

You're certainly judging me.

Do it. I want you to,
and I assigned it to you.

You want me to argue it's okay to
evaluate somebody based on looks?

What else is there?

Why don't you go pluck an eyebrow,
or at least pencil one in?

When you were attractive,
you didn't mind being judged...

...on beauty alone. Amazing how
principle pops up with wrinkles.

I've never challenged a girl
to a fight before...

A black eye could
be an improvement...

- Let's go.
RICHARD: Hey, hey, hey, wait.

You're grownups. If you have a score
to settle, do it on the dance floor.

Practice?

I lost the Tina Turner contest to
Ally, of all people. I need to win.

Elaine.

It's just a charity thing.

Then think of me as the charity case,
because I need to win.

There he is up ahead.

That's him with the broom.
He likes to sweep.

Mr. Bo?

Mel, sweetheart. Sweetheart.

You don't smell good. Last shower?

Christmas.

- Who's that?
- This is my friend John.

John, this is Mr. Bo.

Very nice to meet you.

- John is a very special friend of mine.
- Oh.

I guess that gives us
something in common.

Special friends of Melanie's.

[NOSE WHISTLES]

Something stuck in your nose?

Mr. Bo.

I wanted the two of you to meet.

And the class wants to come by
for another visit.

- Will the old battle-ax let them?
- I'll try to sneak them over.

You look like an angel today.

- He always says that.
- You do look like one.

- I said it first!
- Mr. Bo, your manners. Be nice.

He'd call you an angel,
then take credit for it.

You think you're the first person
to call somebody an angel?

All right. Okay? I'm gonna
go back to class.

We just came by to say hello.
Until next time... Love you.

Love you.

No, no, no.

- Nice meeting you.
- You said that already.

- He didn't like me.
- It takes him a while to warm up.

- Is he jealous?
- He could be, but he'll get over it.

[NOSE WHISTLES]

- She lives in an elevator?
- I am enraptured.

It's this tiny little room.
Tiny little fixtures.

Itty-bitty little bed.
Itty-bitty little chair.

Why does Mark have to be in court?

He's in trial. That's where
they do that sort of thing.

It's Ally's trial.

You put Mark on it so he won't be able
to practice for the twisting contest.

Are you really that dopey...

...or do you just say silly things
to go with your outfits?

Hey! Mr. Bo?

What are you doing?

Did you see that homeless man?

Gee, no. And my eyes
are always peeled for them.

Melanie, did you see him?

- Who?
- Mr. Bo. Mr. Bojangles.

- He was just here.
- He was? Why?

I don't know. Soon as he saw me,
he hopped on the elevator.

- Is this man sane?
- Yes, he's sane. Are you sure?

- I think he's after me.
- Don't be silly.

Why was he here?

First she came up and asked
if I were retaining water.

- What did you say?
- I said I didn't know.

My water-retention scale
was on the blink.

Then she's less subtle.

She said I needed to drop at least
five or I'd be let go.

Five pounds?

She could have meant kilos.
I didn't pin her down.

STONE:
Anything else?

PIPP: I got my hair cut, and she said,
"No, that doesn't work at all."

Finally she called me in her office...

...said things weren't working out
and fired me.

- Did she articulate her reason?
- I wasn't pretty enough.

You needed to drop five
or you would be let go.

- Did she actually say that?
- Right to my puffy face.

So you were given a warning?

When's the last time
somebody told you to diet?

I don't think that we need
to get that personal.

I hate when thin people think they
know what we go through.

- I didn't...
- Because their butt's a tad big...

...they think they know what it's like
to have a weight problem.

I didn't... Not...
My butt is not a tad big.

If it were,
should you be fired for it?

- That's not the point.
- What is the point?

- I have contour.
- Ms. McBeal...

Let me see your ass.

- Your Honor?
- Ms. McBeal?

Seems I'm placing too much
importance on the way I look.

Have you ever known people to do that?

All the time.

And have you ever known people who
attach too much significance...

...on the way other people look?

- Of course.
- Happens all the time, doesn't it?

Yes, it does.

Is it possible somebody could
come to my client's office...

...take a look at the receptionist
and form a quick conclusion...

...not only about her,
but about the company itself?

- Dancing lessons?
- Sam Adams is a great instructor.

- You dance with a dead president?
- Sam Adams is a beer.

This Sam Adams
will teach you the twist.

- I am not entering that contest.
MELANIE: Whoo!

Is that squealing thing
always gonna be here now?

He's completely harmless.

So are post office employees,
right up until they eat fast food.

He gave me a menacing look
on the street. He came to my office.

He's obsessed with you.

I don't think he wants you having
another special friend.

- He'd never hurt anybody.
- I have a nose for trouble.

I'm sure it whistles with alarm.
But John, I know this...

- Oh, I'm sorry.
- You disparaged my nose.

Just let me talk to Mr. Bo, okay?
I'll handle everything.

"The" Chubby Checker?

No. No. One of the other ones.
Of course, "the" Chubby.

I'm in.

Okay. Good.

Good, now you've got to help me.

I'm in a no-win trial situation.
And you have to give me an idea.

Why wouldn't you win?

Were you not listening
when I told you?

She fired her for being unattractive.

You see nothing wrong with that?

Clearly, I must.

It's okay that people
get fired and hired...

...based on whether
they're attractive?

Ally, you work at Cage and Fish.

And?

It's extremely well-known.
Richard Fish only hires babes.

I beg your pardon?

You didn't know? It's practically
in your firm's resume.

- Ever seen your firm's resume?
- Richard does not hire based on...

You. Ling. Nelle. Georgia.

- It's quite the kennel.
- Where did you hear this?

Guys want to work there due to it,
so do a lot of women.

It's like being
a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader.

[TOILET FLUSHES]

- You had him arrested?
- The man is stalking me.

- He was here.
- I said I'd speak to him.

- It went a little beyond talking.
- John!

- I was in danger.
- How could you do that?

- Pkip, pkip, whoo!
- Pkip, pkip, whoo!

Do you have any idea
how traumatized he'll be?

How traumatized do you think I was...

...going in for my evening poopy
and finding him in my stall?!

[SQUEALS]

JOHN:
I was pursued! I felt like...

- What's going on?
- They're fighting.

Not good.
Think he needs help?

I don't know. When Ling said
she's a champion twister...

...has she actually won a competition?

Yikes. It sounds ugly.

I've made love to Ling.

If she can twist half as well as
she can contort, you have no chance.

I don't even have Tourette's! I just
pretended to get a little action!

Where's the concern
for my welfare, I ask you.

Didn't wait for my answer.

It isn't just about a first
impression, which is important.

The reception area's
also the waiting room.

- How's that relevant?
- Waiting's not fun.

It helps mitigate impatience when they
sit with a pretty girl in the room.

In fact, this may sound chauvinistic,
but it's nevertheless true:

With beautiful women there,
men are happy.

What about the women waiting?

They enjoy it too.

Again, this may sound
gender-biased.

Most women, especially my clients,
are extremely fashion-conscious.

- Look at you.
- Please just answer the questions.

Women love to look at clothes.

It helps for my receptionists
to look like models.

The clothes on them look better.
Ms. Pipp's 10 pounds shy of a muumuu.

You feel no compunction
about firing someone...

...because they're not
good-looking enough.

If I've learned anything in public
relations, it's that packaging counts.

So it's okay to discriminate
on the basis of packaging.

She didn't protest when
I hired her on looks.

STONE:
What about your publicists?

GERL: That's different. Them I hire
on talent, skill.

I'd imagine a beautiful publicist
would make for a better presentation.

You imagined correctly.

- Skills equal, you'd hire the prettier?
- In an eye blink.

STONE: Basically no matter what the
position, looks count, Ms. Hill?

I suppose I'm
the first person to think that.

No, you're not, Ms. Hill. There's
plenty more where you came from.

I told you, no.

Just one lesson.
Then you'll want to do it.

I do not like my eggs with Spam.
I do not twist with Sam-l-Am.

Funny.

He's here.

Well, then, send him away.
I just don't...

Sam, Nelle. Nelle, Sam.

You're Sam Adams?

Hello.

Hi.

Your hands are very cold.

But getting hotter.

It'd be my pleasure
to be your partner.

Maybe one lesson.

Three-two-six-six-two. Commonwealth
versus John Doe, alias Mr. Bo.

Assault, stalking with intent.

I'm Marsha Paine for the defendant.
We waive reading.

He was arrested under
the anti-stalking statute?

Yes, Your Honor.

Your Honor? I'd like to drop those
charges. This was all a mistake.

- Are you the victim?
- No, but I know the victim...

- He thought he was being stalked...
- You have no standing here...

...unless you yourself...

Your Honor, attorney John Cage.
I'm the victim.

And there evidently was a mistake,
and I'm prepared to drop the charges.

You thought this man was stalking you.
Now you feel you were in error?

That is correct, Your Honor.
It seems I overreacted...

...and if called upon to testify,
that's what I'll be saying.

The charges are dismissed.
Mr. Cage, you will pay court costs.

The defendant is free to go.

What's the big deal?

Don't answer my question
with a question.

Mine, or...

- I want to see the firm resume.
- It's for clients.

I want to see it right now.

[ALARM WAILS]

- "Our lawyers have legs to stand on."
- Fish-ism.

One more time:
Did you hire me based on my looks?

- Did we know each other in law school?
- Not really.

Did I interview you for the job
or ask for a reference?

No.

All I had to go on was looks. Why
bite the hand that wants to touch you?

It had nothing to do with my ability.

I'm still looking for that. Kidding.

You, Ling, Nelle, you're smart.
You wouldn't be here if you weren't.

People hate us. Clients think
lawyers are out to screw them.

It's easier being screwed
by a beautiful woman.

- I don't believe it.
- You trade on your looks every day.

You wake up each morning, pull out
the lip gloss, the rouge.

What for, to brush up
your intellect?

[SALSA MUSIC PLAYS]

Isn't this salsa?

If you can salsa,
the twist will be easy.

You're actually very good.

- Am I?
- Yeah.

Excuse me.
Could you give me a minute?

Sure.

Wait a minute, Elaine.
This is my office.

That's right. Secretaries don't get
offices. Secretaries get stations.

I should know my station in life
by now, shouldn't I?

Okay. What's the matter?

Nelle has an instructor.
Ling's a champion.

Nelle has this Latin pelvic machine.

The twisting contest?
Elaine, this is for charity.

I don't care. You people win at
everything. I'm sick of you people.

Never mind.

"You people"?
Okay, and who would that be?

I don't have a law degree.
I didn't even go to college.

There's not much out there
for me to...

Oh, forget it.

You want to win a dance contest
because you didn't go to college?

I wouldn't expect you to understand.

Let me tell you something.

I may have a law degree, but
I was hired for being a babe.

Oh, right. Yeah, you. You're a babe.
Come on, you're hardly...

I'm sure that's not true.

It is. I may have an education,
but I got my job as Richard's trophy.

So don't think you have
the priority on the esteem blues.

You know, whatever Richard might
think, Ally, you know better.

You are smarter.
You do have the education.

You can walk down
the street feeling...

Me, I dance better.

Or maybe not.

You really think that by winning
this twist contest you'll feel...

I'd feel better than if I'd lost it.

Whoo!

Hello.

Well, hi, John.

How's Mr. Bo?

He's fine.

We're really grateful
that you recanted.

- He really did frighten me.
- I told you I'd speak to him.

You could've told me you called
the police. That was stupid.

Well...
Please don't call me stupid.

Just because he's homeless,
he's not an animal.

I understand that. I guess
I don't understand...

Can you tell me
why he's so important to you?

He's my father.

Why didn't you tell me?

Because... I...

I don't know. I guess
I was embarrassed...

...having a homeless father.

I didn't think you let yourself
be ashamed about anything.

I'm not ashamed. I'm embarrassed.

I have nothing to be ashamed of,
except maybe being embarrassed.

Oh. Oh, okay.

I am ashamed.

I'm ashamed of being embarrassed
about my own father.

Well, can we help him?

It's not about that for him. This
is the society he chooses to live in.

I put him into shelters. He has
places to stay when it's cold, but...

Yes, but what about mental help?
If he's choosing to be homeless...

The pressures of ordinary life
were beginning to...

...break him down mentally.

And since he's been on the streets...

...he's more peaceful
than I've ever seen him.

He's a kind man, John.

I wanted you to meet him because...

...he's a wonderful person.
He's just a little different.

Well, the last woman I dated,
her father thought he was Santa Claus.

Can I talk to him,
let him know I know?

- He'll want to wrestle you.
- I beg your pardon?

That's probably why
he came by the office.

To wrestle me?

Oh, God.

Let him be.
I'll get him to leave you alone.

Yeah.

My wife is a real estate broker.
She sells million-dollar homes.

Before showing,
she gets there early...

...and puts floral arrangements
around the house...

...a bowl of fruit on
the dining room table.

I ask her, "People are about to plop
down millions of dollars on a house.

Do flowers and a bowl of fruit
really mean anything?"

And she says, "You'd be surprised."

Packaging is everything today.

Movies get made today not on content,
but on the basis of marketability.

"Will it open?"
Television is the same thing.

If the audience can't grasp
the concept quickly, it's gone.

Cars, fashion, you name it.

What sells is cosmetic.

That's the world we live in.
Okay, I get it.

But when it comes to people,
to human beings...

...are we really prepared to say
that's okay?

To judge a person
by physical appearance...

...instead of talent,
instead of character?

Are we to really accept that?

She is a human being. A person,
for God's sake. Not a countertop.

She put in nine years.
She served her company faithfully.

Her skills were never questioned...

...and she was fired because
her face started to look puffy.

Is that what we've come to?

It's your decision.

Unfortunately, it's not your decision.

You don't get to decide
the world we live in.

We'd all like one...

...where people don't judge each other
on looks, and maybe one day we will.

But for now, you have to consider
my client's actions...

...in the context of the world
we live in today.

You know, everything that Mr. Stone
said is true.

We exalt the first impression.

We might profess, "You can't
judge a book by its cover."

But, in fact, and any good
publisher will tell you this...

...that the key to a best-seller
is, in fact, the cover.

People walk into bookstores
and buy based on the jacket.

We choose our president
on who looks the best.

I just found out that I got
my job based on my appearance.

My pretty face. My slender legs.
The perfect contour of my buttocks.

Does that make me proud?

No. But it is the reality.
And here's another one:

Geri Hill is in the business
of selling first impressions.

She runs a public relations firm.
How can a client trust her...

...if the first impression
she makes isn't good?

The receptionist is there to greet.

The receptionist
is the first impression.

She is part of the package that wraps
up what Geri Hill has to sell.

And Mr. Stone has admitted to you
what the real world is.

He's arguing that Geri Hill
shouldn't get to live in it.

I ought to thank you
for the room and board.

I didn't know you were just being
an over-protective father.

People don't always treat her right.
I need to check up.

You were smart to hang out
in the bathroom.

Were you looking for a stool sample?

Do you love her?

I think I might.

Yes.

Then I must wrestle you.

Mr. Bo, I'm a grown man.

And what I'd like to do,
instead of wrestling you...

I think maybe I'd like
to get you some help.

- You're chicken.
- I'm not. I just...

Why don't you just admit it?
You little squirt.

JUDGE:
Has the jury reached a verdict?

- We have, Your Honor.
JUDGE: What say you?

In the matter of Pipp versus Hill,
we find in favor of the defendant.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,
this ends your service. Adjourned.

Well. Congratulations.

Your closing was so effective, one
might think you believed it.

I suppose one might.

Good luck with your business.

- I didn't invent the way things work.
- But you perpetuate it.

And you're sure you don't?

We're having a twisting contest.
Maybe you'd like... Maybe not.

Foolish girl till the early bright

Make the scene with the record machine
At the dancin ' party tonight

- Unbelievable. He's really not dead.
- Are you sure?

I'm a little nervous.

You're ready.

You know the secret to dance?
Any dance?

What?

Sex.

You need to make love to the song.
Everything else follows.

Okay.

I hope you're channeling
some rhythm my way.

Twist and shout
Till we knock ourselves out

At the dancin ' party tonight

Mr. Bo?

[SHOUTING]

All right.

You're a little wiry,
but you can date her.

That's how you judge somebody,
by how well he wrestles?

There are worse ways to measure a man.

Mr. Bo, I am going to say something
to you my father once said to me.

You are a total kook-ball.

Is kook-ball even a real word?

If it was good enough for my father,
it's good enough for you.

You got supper plans?

I got a piece of salmon
for the hibachi.

Homeless people eat salmon now?

Come on, baby
Let's do the twist

Come on, baby
Let's do the twist

Come on and twist

Yeah, baby, twist

Yeah, just like this

This isn't fair.
She gets Chubby. What do I get?

You'll get your chubby later.

I want that one.

The good news is Ling's not winning.

- Bad news is...
- Neither are we.

You could stay at my place
one night, Mr. Bo.

- Plenty of room.
- I'll stay in my own home, thank you.

- Maybe we should get something to eat.
- No, the toad and I already ate.

- Could you not call him "the toad"?
- But it so fits.

- Such a kook-ball!
- At least "toad" is a real word.

No kook-ball. No toad. You got it?

- Okay.
- Thanks.

- Hey! Hey!
- What?

- One more.
- One more what?

No more Mr. Bo. Not from you.

I know. I know, in front
of others, you...

But when we're alone,
could it be "Dad"?

I was never ashamed of you. I just...

Didn't want people to know.

- Oh, Daddy.
- I know, honey.

No, you don't know. Be quiet.

Why should you even presume to know?

- I dance better...
- You cheat at wrestling.

Twisting, you looked constipated.

All right!

She brings her class to see you. She
brought me to meet you, to my dismay.

Does that sound like she's ashamed?

All the people in her life she wants
you to know, and them to know you.

- If that's not love...
- God didn't make little green apples.

- Okay, let's just...
- All right, all right.

- If Fats Domino plays at that bar...
- We'll get you.

He would pin you in a second.

- Don't be a stranger.
- I won't be.

I love you, Dad.

I love you.

- Hey!
- What?

He's okay.

Yeah, he is.

Night.

I wish I could do more to help him.

He's living the life
he wants to, Melanie.

I think he's happy.

Yeah. He may very well be.

I'm just gonna go get my coat.

- Elaine, hey. Where's Mark?
- Getting the car.

- Congratulations.
- Thank you.

- How does it feel?
- Well, you know.

Like Tin Man when he got his heart?

This is something, Ally.

It is something.

No, I know.

Congratulations, again.

So, I'm just gonna be a second.

- It's really shiny.
- Yes, it is.

Could I enjoy it for one night
before you two strip it of luster?

You should enjoy it forever. But it's
where you display it. That's the key.

Put it on the mantle, it says to
the world this is who you are.

You're way more than this.

Stick it in a drawer, it says this is
something you've done, accomplished.

An inner drawer,
it doesn't tarnish so easily.

Keep it, it's yours, you won it.
Just don't hold yourself up to it.

- Ready?
- All set, let's go.

Coming?

In a minute, you guys go ahead.