Ally McBeal (1997–2002): Season 4, Episode 1 - Sex, Lies and Second Thoughts - full transcript

♪ You give your love... ♪

♪ ... so sweetly ♪

♪ - Tonight
- Tonight ♪

♪ The light of love... ♪

♪ ... is in your eyes ♪

This is one of my favorite songs ever.

Why didn't Renee tell me
she was gonna sing it?

Maybe it's for a special occasion.

What special occasion?

I have a friend
who's in love with a woman.

Been together six months
but he wants to be with her always.



Does she love him?

Why doesn't he ask her?

He's planning to.

He's taking her out, arranged for a
friend to sing her favorite song...

...planned to order an expensive wine,
be holding her hand...

...and while she was preoccupied...

...slip a sapphire ring on her finger.

Will it work?

It certainly sounds romantic but...

Ally McBeal?

Yes?

Will you...

...move in with me?

VONDA SINGS:
♪ I've been down this road ♪



Sex Lies and Second Thoughts

♪ Walking the line
That's painted by pride ♪

♪ And I have made mistakes in my life ♪

♪ That I just can 't hide ♪

♪ Oh, I believe I am ready ♪

♪ For what love has to bring ♪

♪ I got myself together ♪

♪ Yeah, now I'm ready to sing ♪

♪ I've been searching my soul tonight ♪

♪ I know there's so much more to life ♪

♪ Now I know I can shine a light ♪

♪ To find my way back home ♪

♪ Oh, baby, yeah ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ What kind of fool
Do you think I am? ♪

You seem stunned.

Well, that's because...

...I am.

This is unbelievable. Wow.

- What's your answer?
- Sorry?

You haven't answered my question.
Will you move in with me?

♪ - What kind of fool
- Think I am ♪

♪ Do you think I am, baby? ♪

Bryan? Honey?

Sweetie?

I have to think about it.

It's not that I don't want to move in.

I'm ready to. I want to, but...

It means you'd have to stop
sleeping with me.

Maybe.

I can't tell you what to do.

For these kinds of decisions
only one person knows the answer.

We both know who that is.

A therapist.

First up.
Ringer, et al. Versus Keebler.

John, all set?

I am.

How did you get an annulment
proceeding before a jury?

I convinced the judge
it's a question of fact...

...and the litigants deserved a trial
in front of their peers.

[JOHN'S NOSE WHISTLES]

Are you nervous?

I am not nervous.

That whistle was deliberate.
I'm throwing it during trial.

You plan to do that?

I'm against Dick Raddits and I have
a tenuous cause of action.

You'll make it seem it's
coming out of someone else's nose?

Never mind.

I gotta see this.

Move on, Richard.

I have an announcement to make.

And it might come
as a bit of a shock.

Bryan has asked me
to move in with him.

- Really.
- Wow.

- Great.
- He's so boring.

He is not boring.

Are you going to?

I haven't decided.

But if I seem distracted
over the next day or so, just...

I know I will be.

[NOSE WHISTLES]

[WHISTLES]

Seven hundred thousand dollars?

Yes. I think we should consider it.

- By law, he's entitled...
- Only if we were married.

- You were married for six years.
- It was a sham!

Which we'll argue.
But if we don't win...

- You have to win.
- What I'm saying...

- Let me finish.
- I started first.

- No, you didn't.
- I certainly did!

- You didn't!
- I did!

I said "By law." You cut me off
with "Only if we were married."

I said, "You were married."
You cut me off with "It was a sham."

I tried to wedge in a word about
winning, you shot out "I have to!"

I tried to respond,
you bellowed "Let me finish!"

And that brings us current.

You don't have to get snippy.

Seven hundred thousand dollars is...

- I won't...
- Can l...?

Maybe the man walked out on you
to complete one sentence.

I apologize.

I walked out on him, if you remember.

You and I are old friends. Getting
an annulment will be difficult.

- You made it to a...
- And!

You made it to a jury.
I'm sorry. Please finish.

In order to win, you'll have to endure
some unpleasant things said about you.

I'll argue unpleasant things.
The opposing attorney is a mean man.

He and l...

As somebody who cares about you,
and I do...

...I am suggesting
you think about settling.

That man stole my dignity.
I need to walk out of that courtroom...

I've resigned myself...

...to being called "fat"...

..."ugly"...

...even "lonely."

I won't resign myself to being a fool.

- Help you?
- I'm looking for Tracy.

She's not here anymore.
Moved to Foxborough.

Foxborough?

She didn't say she was moving.

You wouldn't be Ally McBeal?

Yes, I would, actually.
How did you know that?

She took all her files except one.

Ally McBeal. Catchy theme song,
by the way. I'm Larry Paul.

- She took every file but left mine?
- Yeah, with a note.

"If it's an emergency, tough."

This is an emergency.
Give me her number.

She didn't leave it. Promise.

What's the problem?

Well, there's...

Well, there's a guy...

...that I've been seeing.

And he asked me...

...to move in with him.

Bastard. My advice is, don't do it.

- Why?
- He doesn't want to marry you.

- How do you know?
- Did he ask?

Why do you think I'd want to?

You're not the mistress type.
If you have no intention to marry...

- I never said that.
- Are you a mistress?

- No, I am not.
- Why live with a guy who's afraid...?

- Afraid?
- He didn't ask!

I'm here for my indecision, not his.

- How's the sex?
- Excuse me?

With your friend? The sex?

I don't care to talk about it.

That good, eh?

- Look...
- Ally?

None of my business, but...

All relationships eventually
come down to sex.

Why? Men and women are different.
Don't believe that communication crap.

No matter how in love, men and women
eventually run out of things to say.

When that happens
all you're left with is sex.

If it stinks, you're done.

That's why you're here.
The sex is lousy.

Well, it could be better.

- A lot better.
- Okay...

...a lot better.

- You need to tell him.
- How do you tell him he's terrible?

- Oh, he's terrible now.
- No, no, no!

No.

It's just, he's...

He's not great.

All right.
Listen to me, this is important.

He'll be devastated.

Leave him with something positive
by the end of the discussion.

How?

I'd start by saying he's terrible,
then upgrade him to not great.

I don't think that'll work.

Do you love this man?

Yes.

Then you owe it to him
to let him know how inadequate he is.

If you do get married, you'll
always be telling him anyway.

Am I wrong?

[WHISTLES "CUCKOO"]

Try to help...

ALLY:
However much I know otherwise...

... part of me has always felt
life has no meaning...

... until you share it with somebody.

Maybe that's what I'm afraid of.
My life suddenly taking on meaning.

Or suddenly becoming void of it.

ELAINE:
Ally?

Hi.

What are you doing?

Just daydreaming.
Picturing my life with Bryan.

Looked really exciting.

We're not supposed to chase excitement.
The goal is contentment.

Oh, yeah. Forgot about that.

It's not like me to give you advice...

Which works, because it's not
like me to ask you for it.

Here's the thing. There's very few
decent guys out there.

And with sexually transmitted
diseases...

...the odds of landing one
becomes even tougher.

I don't follow.

They're wearing condoms. It's harder
to trap them by getting pregnant.

Thank you, Elaine.

I don't know how I'd ever
navigate my life without you.

At first it seemed perfect.

Not perfect, I guess.

The physical part of our
relationship was never good.

We didn't make love
on our wedding night.

Did you ever make love?

Sure, but it was extremely infrequent.

He said he just didn't have
much of a libido.

And you accepted that?

Yes.

The rest of our relationship
was great.

We could laugh and talk all night.

We had the same interests.

We were perfect companions.

I guess I convinced myself
that's what marriage is most about.

Companionship.

But at some point things changed?

In June, I was going to
a health spa in Vermont...

...for the weekend
with some girlfriends.

There was a problem.
The plane couldn't take off.

It ended up being canceled
and I drove home.

I came into the house
and called out to Wayne.

There was no response.

I heard laughter from the back.
I went out.

They were in the pool...

...with their clothes on.

Who?

Wayne and her.

They were in the pool?

Kissing.
And she had this T-shirt on...

... and he had these scissors
and was cutting the T-shirt off her.

They were laughing, having a
grand time until they saw me.

What happened then?

I found out the truth.

That he had been sleeping with her
for more than two years.

That he planned to marry her after
he got out of this "bad marriage."

That his libido was healthy after all.

That he had stayed with me to qualify
for a big divorce settlement.

That I was an idiot.

That's why you're here?
To annul the marriage.

I'm here asking the court to recognize
the truth. There was no marriage.

There was a union under extremely
false pretense. There was a fraud.

But there was certainly no marriage.

How long does it take to decide?
Either you want to or not.

- Well...
- Is it a case of cold feet?

Moving in is a step towards marriage.

- It's a big deal.
- I didn't say it wasn't.

Your tone is dismissive.

Tone is used to discern meaning when
words aren't expressed. Mine are.

It's you who's being ambiguous.

Sit.

I think everything about us is great.
I really do. We laugh...

Ally...

But what I find
to be a little lacking...

...it may not be a big deal...

Big enough to give pause
to us living together.

What leaves a little to be desired
between you and me...

...is the...

...sushi.

- Sushi?
- I ate...

Sex!

The sex isn't that...

...good.

Did you hear me?

You're not satisfied sexually?

No, I'm... satisfied.

I am so... It's...
It's okay.

May I ask...

...are you capable of having good sex?

What is that supposed to mean?

I mean, is it me or...

...is it you?

It's us, Bryan.

It's a rhythm thing.

It's a compatibility thing.

It's a heat thing.

We don't seem to generate
a lot of heat.

So you're indicting the relationship
because of sex?

I never said that.

You said you and Wayne
were perfect companions.

- But without sex...
- I didn't say...

Let me finish my question.

You made a statement
and I'm disagreeing.

Your Honor...

[JOHN THROWS WHISTLE]

[WHISTLES]

Wayne wasn't involved with this woman
at the time you two married, was he?

Not to my knowledge, which
could hardly be considered exhaustive.

- He met her two years later.
- So I'm told.

We have a marriage, then another
woman and the marriage ends.

- I wonder if that's a first.
- Objection!

DICK: You said the companionship
was great until you left.

I think you said "perfect"?

I was in the dark.

- You got what you wanted.
- Not physical affection.

You said you didn't need it.

I needed honesty.

- He wasn't being honest.
- No.

- That's why we're here.
- Yes.

So when spouses aren't honest
that should be grounds for annulment?

- You okay?
- Yeah.

Maureen, it's litigation.

It's adversarial by design.

I know.

John...

Nothing.

No, tell me.

Well, growing up...

...I never had a boyfriend.

- How could I think a good-looking man...?
- Maureen.

Am I deluding myself to think
anyone would be attracted to me?

Of course not.

Excuse me a second.

What a beast. How's the trial going?

What was that for?

- I need a big favor.
- Anything. As long as it isn't money.

Maureen doesn't feel a man
could be attracted to her.

Oh, gee.

I know it's a lot, but could you
feign being drawn to her?

Just enough to bolster
some confidence?

You want me to...
With her?

She's a hamster. I'd sooner
pop a chubby for a tree frog.

I don't ask for much!

Tree frog?

I have one.
John and I collected them.

- Remember, John?
- Yeah, I sure do.

What are you doing?

I may be out of line here, but...

...has anyone ever told you
you're beautiful?

No.

Shocker.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Gotta go.

Was he making fun of me?

No! I think he was flirting.

Right.

Maureen...

You see that woman?

MAUREEN: Yeah.
JOHN: I dated her.

You did?

MAUREEN: She's beautiful.
JOHN: She found me beautiful and sexy.

You know why?

I can't even bluff.

Sexiness is mental.

I would become Barry White
when I went to her.

In my head I believed
I had sex appeal. Therefore, I did.

Now, whatever happens in this case,
you've got to believe in yourself.

Because if you don't,
nobody else will.

He had a good point.
Why indict everything because of sex?

Isn't it ridiculous
to measure a relationship...

...by the last five minutes
before you fall asleep?

Men go into relationships for sex.

They get married to keep having it...

...without wasting time
on dinner and flowers.

And if it only lasts five minutes,
why are you falling asleep?

You should be awake
wondering what's wrong.

You're such a man.

You typify everything
twisted about this society.

It's like we're married,
you blaming me.

No wonder you want a husband.
You're a wife.

You're not clever.
And you're not funny.

This society over-prioritizes sex.

It's in the movies,
in the magazines, it's on TV.

It has people locating their
self-worth in their appearance.

We have a case...

...where a woman wants her marriage
annulled due to lack of passion.

Meaning it doesn't exist.
All because of a void in sex.

And when you perpetuate it,
it's neither amusing or responsible.

And I didn't blame you for society.

I just cited you
as a sad example of it.

Well, that was a lot.

I didn't intend to be clever.

I have a problem with your lament
on prioritizing sex...

...as you're wearing a $2000 outfit
designed to punctuate your contour...

...looking like women in magazines
except I can't turn the page.

As for worth in appearance, I'm sure
there's a mirror in your Prada purse.

And as much as you hate
being the object of desire...

...what you truly loathe
is the idea you might not be.

And the question burning deep down
under the lip gloss is:

"Has that day already arrived?"

You are the biggest ass
I have ever met.

Perhaps this is where
you kiss it goodbye.

What did I say?

- Will you go back to see him?
ALLY: Why should I?

I won't even pay his bill
if he sends one.

I was talking about Bryan.

Oh.

Oh, yeah.

What?

You've been seeing Bryan for six
months. He asked you to move in...

...and all you can talk about
is this new therapist.

Do you think Bryan is a little dull?

- Honestly?
- Of course.

So dull, I've lost interest
in the question.

Really?

But he could be right for you.

I belong with somebody dull?

Opposites attract,
and you're so alive...

...and Bryan, he's so...

Dead.

Why do you ask me this?

What do you think?

I think that he is lovely.

He's smart. He's kind. He's sweet.

He's not the most boring person...

...but of those I've met...
- Keep going.

I want to live a long life,
and with him it'll feel like that.

Keep going.

Maybe sex lasts more
than 60 seconds, but who would know?

- Keep going.
- That therapist was really cute.

Stop there. And I'll say this:

All your life you've been attracted
to people who make you crazy...

...or burn you. Moth to a flame.

What's your point?

Maybe Bryan is not the guy...

...but stay away from the therapist.

WAYNE:
A marriage is about love.

Sex is one manifestation of it,
and not the most important one.

I'm no marriage counselor, but if
a couple doesn't want relations...

- It's the bean in the jar theory.
DICK: I'm sorry?

If a couple puts one bean in a jar
after sex...

...during the first
year of marriage...

...then afterward take a bean out
every time they have sex...

...the jar will never become empty.

Weren't you in financial difficulty
when you met my client?

- Objection.
- Strike it. So, what happened?

You met this woman and you fell
in "companionship" again?

Objection.

- What is your new love's name?
- Diane.

- Does she have a job?
- She models.

Is she the first girlfriend
you had that was a model?

- I'm not sure what you mean.
- The two girlfriends before my client.

They were also models.

What is the relevance?

The relevance is,
he dates beautiful women.

- He took my client for money.
- Not true!

Sex isn't a priority?
Men declare that all the time!

Then maybe the divorce rate
wouldn't be so high.

Spoken by the man
caught with the model.

You know something?
I did love Maureen.

I did prioritize friendship.

I was planning a marriage.
A lifetime.

Not a trip to Tahoe.

Been to Tahoe with her?
Take your bean jar?

- Mr. Cage.
- Objection!

It makes sense to build a union
on reason, not passion.

She pushed me away.
You know it, Maureen.

Address your lies to me.

She didn't want my affection.
You pushed me away!

Into the arms of Diane.
Talk about every knock being a boost.

Mr. Cage? That's enough.

Oh, please!

I'm sorry I called you
the biggest ass I've ever met.

I'm sure there's at least one bigger.

I just can't remember.

Thank you. If you were
interested in me physically...

...I could locate some esteem again.

Do you know I have come here
to apologize...

...and you're antagonizing me?

Is this your method?

I have no method.

Only madness.

Why did you come back?

Really.

In speaking with my roommate...

...things came out.

Things?

Such as?

The problem with men.
The good ones are married.

If you have affairs, they're cheaters.

If you meet a decent one...

...you're so intoxicated
that he's not pig...

...you confuse euphoria for love.

You say yes to dinner, then a weekend
with his tiny penis that pops out...

...like a chicken thermometer. Then
he asks you to move in with him...

...and you consider it, because
against everything else he's decent.

Do you always talk
in run-on sentences?

I'm afraid if I stop for air,
somebody else will get a word in.

And where are things with...?

Um...

Bryan.

Bryan.

I told him the sex was really bad.

And I think
he's waiting for an answer...

...which I thought I already gave him.

Men don't take hints. We're used
to getting our noses bloodied.

We watch movies where, for the
first two acts, the girl says no.

In the third, they marry. If he's
not the guy, you have to be brutal.

- And blunt.
- Cruel.

When you walk out the door
he has to know you're walking out.

If you're chicken, you can expect him
to pursue with his thermometer.

So it's just
the closing arguments left?

- Tomorrow morning.
- Do we have a chance?

John. Maureen.

[GRUNTS]

Could you excuse me one second?

I don't like this.

[BARRY WHITE PLAYS]

Maureen, what's up?

Maureen...

...I'm involved, actually,
with this vicious woman.

Help. Somebody.

Is anybody out there?

Maureen?

Nobody but you.

[MUSIC SLOWS]

And me.

What were you thinking?

Just that maybe if I started...

...I don't know,
allowing myself to be more sexual...

You have to be true to yourself.

It was hard, listening
in that courtroom.

I warned you about that.

I'll have to say harsh things in my
closing, as well, if we want to win.

Look, do you want to win this case
or just be done with it?

I need to win now.

If I walk away empty after...

Do what you need to do to win.

At least give me that.

Knock, knock.

Ally!

Surprise.

Ah.

I do love you.

You don't have to.

Just keep it in anticipation
of the day we do live together.

That day isn't coming.

Are you...?

Are we breaking up altogether?

Why?

It's just...

...I tried to talk myself into it...

If you say something like
"It's not meant to be," I'll vomit.

We're together 6 months. You suddenly
don't like the sex, so you walk away?

When I look ahead,
I see myself getting tired of you.

Tired of us.

I won't move in with a man
I feel that way about.

I won't even date him.

You need help.

You think Prince Charming
will rescue you from yourself...

...as in some childhood fantasy!

- Please don't yell.
- I'm the one getting hurt!

What have we been doing
for six months?

Why have you been with me?

Because you're a great guy.

And because...

I didn't realize it, but
I think I was with you out of default.

It's not every day
you meet someone to love.

This is what I get for dating someone
with the emotional IQ of a teenager.

Get out. Lose my number.
I plan to lose yours.

Don't wrap a "Let's be friends"
ribbon on this.

Get out. Get lost. Goodbye.

Everybody in this room
knows what happened here.

Look at him.

The charming, broke,
good-looking guy...

...and the plain, fat, rich girl.

He got to pay off all of his debts...

...move into the big house...

...drive the Jaguar...

...redesign the master bath
while she went to work every day...

...telling her he's not into sex,
all the while having an affair...

...with a wet T-shirt model.

That's flat-out fraud.

He testified he married my client...

...because it was
the reasonable thing to do.

They were great companions.

Made sense to build a future
on a sensible foundation.

Not something volatile
like passion or lust.

That would be stupid.

You believe this,
ladies and gentlemen?

How many men do you know
who don't prioritize sex?

Especially ones who look like that.

Men crave sex.
It's who and what we are.

That's why the penis
is shaped like a compass dial.

As coarse as that sounds, to deny the
truth of it is a lie. A big one.

As big as the one that he told her.

And if you walk down that aisle with
someone you aren't passionate for...

...that's lousy planning.

The best marriages aren't founded
on common sense and reason.

Those are the building blocks
for compromise.

The compromise he decided to make...

...was to forgo
passion and romance and lust...

...in exchange for money.

Maureen Ringer
never agreed to that deal.

She was deceived, lied to.

The homely girl got taken
and that's why we're here.

Before the trial, she said to me
she wanted me to get her dignity back.

Well, she came into this room...

...and she earned it.

But she needs you to give it to her.

And to accomplish that,
you need do only one thing.

See the truth.

DICK:
Here's a flash.

Suppose Mr. Cage is right.

He isn't. Suppose he is.

My client did marry her in part
for her money. So what?

People marry for money every day.
Since when is it shameful?

Some people choose on looks.

Others decide on religion.

Some are attracted to qualities
of the heart or soul.

And yes, some make money the criteria.

There's no approved list
of right and wrong.

And if there were...

...Wayne Keebler would still
pass the test because he did love her.

As she testified to,
they were fantastic companions.

There was no sham in the way
they laughed all night.

That's something, huh?

Two people can laugh together,
that's something.

ALLY: I don 't know why
I like to think in here.

Maybe it's the right depository
for most of my "thoughts."

I should knock.

What the...?!

What the hell are you doing here?

The truth?
I was worried about you, actually.

- You were?
- Yeah. Breakups can be tough.

I had an image of you
in the toilet. Who knew?

If you were a decent therapist, you
wouldn't be able to make house calls.

I'm not a therapist, I'm a lawyer.

What did you say?

- You thought I was a therapist?
- Uh-huh.

It says, "Attorney at Law"
on the door.

You're a lawyer?

Why did you entertain discussions
about me and my boyfriend?

Well, you seemed
like you needed to talk.

I'm a good listener.

Right on the door. "Attorney at Law."
Too subtle?

Should I add,
"Went to law school. Sold out."

This is not a good time
to make fun of me.

How dare you advise on something
personal I was going through?

Because I'm a lawyer.

As lawyers, we embrace settlements
as a good thing.

We settle, we celebrate.

You were gonna settle on a relationship
and celebrate with marriage.

Not a good thing.

Anyway...

You okay?

Yeah.

Good. Well, maybe we'll
meet in court one day.

Till then.

Till then.

MAUREEN:
They weren't out long.

Well, it's not like
it's a murder case.

Though if you'd gotten hold
of the scissors...

Mr. Foreman, what say you?

"We, the jury, by a majority
of nine to three...

...find that the marriage
of Maureen Ringer and Wayne Keebler...

...shall not be dissolved
by annulment."

JUDGE: Members of the jury, thank you.
We're dismissed.

- I'm sorry.
- I can't believe this.

Maureen?

Now that you'll be obligated to pay
me alimony, let me say this to you:

I don't want it. Not one nickel.

What?

Then why did we go through all this?

Because you wouldn't have believed it.

You would have regarded it
as a self-serving ploy to get money.

I did love you. And I wanted
to live with you forever.

But you rejected the terms we
married on, you pushed me away.

Because I wanted to be touched.

I wanted a little passion.

That wasn't the basis
of our relationship.

And there may have been fraud here...

...but I didn't commit it.

Well, come on.

Let's go.

Go where?

Well, I'll walk you home.

ALLY: Maybe I'll share my life
with somebody.

Maybe not.

But the truth is...

... when I think back
of my loneliest moments...

... there was usually somebody
sitting there next to me.