Ally McBeal (1997–2002): Season 3, Episode 8 - Blue Christmas - full transcript

Elaine becomes a mother when she finds a real, live baby abandoned in a Christmas nativity display. She wants to keep him and with the support of the entire office, she, Ally and John fight a tough court battle. In preparation for the Christmas party, Elaine convinces Ally to sing a sexy song but Richard and Billy have their reservations.

I am not about to sing at the Christmas party.

Oh come on, you sang at the bar last year,

and you were great.

Really?

Hello, totally awesome.

Also, when you get up onstage,

you're in the spotlight, you become it.

People don't see you for what you really are --

at the Christmas party alone, dateless.

Well, there is that benefit.

Well, maybe we could ----



What?

I saw the baby Jesus ... I saw it move.

Did he dance?

Did you see that?

No.

It moved! That baby moved! ...

Oh my god!

Ooga-chucka, ooga-chucka.

... It's real!

It's not that I oppose your singing.

It's just the point of the Christmas party is for people to enjoy themselves.

No, I can sing, Richard. I have a voice.

I agree. Your having a voice isn't my concern.

It's just the rest of us have ears.



I. Can. Sing!

Why not? All the world's your stage.

Elaine?

Shh! He's such a good little eater.

Why do you still have him?

I couldn't turn him in. He ----

Oh, Elaine, you have to.

I-i-it's criminal. It's ----

I want to keep him.

What??

There's a reason that I found him, Ally.

No, no, you can't just keep him.

There's somebody abandoned that baby.

I took him to a doctor. He's completely fine.

Elaine, you have to notify the police.

== you could go to jail!

What happens if I told the police?

They'll put him to a foster home ----

They'll look for his mother.

Oh, which is worse.To put him back to somebody abandoned him.

Elaine, Elaine, there is no choice.You have to tell the police.

Okay, And, if you/I do that ...

is there a way that I could still keep him?

I doubt it, but ...

But what?

Well, by turning him in, he'll go right into social services,

and that'll be it. For you to have any chance ----

Well, she can't kidnap him.

I'm not saying kidnap.

But possession gives her standing to at least get into court.

What we need do ...

You really ...?

Yes.

What we need do is notify the police and social services,

as we petition for custody.

Any chance you could lactate?

I beg your pardon?

The standard will be best interest of the child.

On occasion, adoptive mothers have been known to produce milk.

If we can demonstrate that the child is bonded ----

Here, take it. Come on.

Eh-eh-eh, pokeep, pokeep ...

All right. Elaine.

I can come back if ----

No. It's okay.

Richard moved the Christmas party to the bar,

due to the overflow.

So, if there's anybody you've invited, you need me to call?

I didn't invite anyone.

I don't think I'm even going myself.

That would be a mistake. ...

Billy, you're feeling lonely enough as it is.

At least be around your friends.

What if she goes?

Would that be so bad? ...

My father and my mother split up,

and she wouldn't take him back.

You know what he did?

He just asked her out on a date.

Started over, in a way.

I don't think she'd agree to date me.

Yeah, maybe not. But ..

she might agree to a dance.

Even if just to avoid having things be awkward.

And then a dance, a touch.

Maybe things could start over.

I don't know.

Well, [if] it's important, it's important.

[If] it isn't, it isn't.

Your Honor, I can appreciate her wanting to keep him.

In fact, we have a long waiting list of parents looking to adopt.

But she has no right to leapfrog to the top of the line.

The best interest of the child ----

Come on. She doesn't even know how to fix the formula.

The baby has already begun to bond.

That's ridiculous. And as a matter of public policy ...

You know, one should be allowed to finish his sentences.

... Your Honor, clearly there are other better options.

Pipe down, Mr. McCabe!

Mr. Cage, you're suggesting what? Finders keepers?

I'm suggesting there was a reason she found it in that manger.

She was meant to find it --

destined to be the parent.

Oh, please.

Oh, pipe down!

He makes me repeat myself, Your Honor.

Mr. Cage ...

All these studies have been coming out about early bonding.

It takes place in the early weeks.

It affects life-long abilities to trust.

Now, I've seen that baby in Elaine Vassal's arms,

and it is where that baby was meant to be.

We don't even know if she's fit to be a parent.

Oh, come on. That's an issue?

Of course, it's an issue!

Well, for that to be an issue,

my client must have some standing here to be the parent.

Ha ha ha.

He just tricked me.

This is what he does, Your Honor --

he tricks.

Mr. McCabe, there's no controlling law here.

Certainly, if Ms. Vassal had the baby a year, we'd consider her?

But it's only been one night.

Agreed. But the standard is the same

-- best interest of the child.

It'll be much tougher for her to prove it,

but I guess we have to give her a chance.

We'll have a hearing. How's 2:00?

Fine, Your Honor.

I'd like a little time ----

I'm allowing her to maintain custody pending the hearing.

And as long as she's the guardian ----

Well, 2:00 is fine.

Elliot. ... Elliot and Elaine Vassal. How does that sound? ...

Hmm, you like the name "Elliot"?

Oh you sweet, sweet baby.

Hi.

Ally. I am sorry, I didn't see you.

You seem mesmerized.

Yeah. You know, when I was a little girl,

I used to dream about being a grownup.

In that dream, there was always a child -- not a husband.

I used to think: But that doesn't make sense.

And now it does?

Yeah. Now it does.

He's really real, isn't he?

Elaine, he's really real.

But he's not really yours. ...

At least, not yet.

Me? How can I talk her out of it?

I don't know, you've known her the longest.

Billy, she plans to sing something sexy.

Yeah, right.

I'm not kidding. Elaine has her convinced.

Can you imagine?

Next, we'll have Mary Tylor Moore doing porn!

Hi.

You don't think I can be sexy, Richard?

No, oh no, it's not ... that. It's just uh ...

you know, after seeing you, how could I ever,

uh, fantasize over anyone else?

I can be very sexy, Richard.

Ah ...Oh yeah ...

You're so cuuute, aren't you?

I put enough on, Nelle.

Well, you don't want him to get diaper rash?

He's got enough on!

You don't want any more powder, do you?

Ha ...

He peed me. Oh funny!

Well, he wanted more powder.

It's acidic. It's burning my skin!

We tried to tell her more powder, didn't ----

How do you like it?

How much urine can one little baby have?

Did he get my hair?

What we need you to say is how the baby is better off with Elaine.

But I don't necessarily think that's true.

We don't need you to think it. We need you to say it.

I don't know ...

Wai-wait, wait, Mar-Margaret,

it is a long shot for Elaine to be able to keep this child.

Everytime I testify, I end up being called a vicious lesbian.

Well, we need at least one medical opinion.

And you've done some work in this area,

and you recently adopted.

How is that relevant?

Well, you know what it's like to bond with your baby, y-you know ...

It's from the baby side that counts,

Ally, not the parent's.

Fine. How long do you think it took for your baby to bond with you?

About a day.

So, just say that.

I'd be saying that more as a mother, than as a sociologist.

We'll take that.

Hey.

Hey.

Listen. Um ... they're having the firm Christmas party tonight.

Would you like to come, as my date?

As your date?

Yes. Nothing is wrong with having a date, is there?

Excuse me, my name is Janine Waller,

I'm from Social Services, Child Welfare.

I'm looking for Renee ... Radish?

Radick. That's me.

Oh. Would you mind answering a few questions?

They concern Elaine Vassal.

What do you want to know?

Well, she's petitioning for custody of a child.

We need to be satisfied that she's fit to parent.

Uh, but, is anybody?

I beg your pardon?

Come on. It's not like you need a license to raise children,

though it's not a bad idea.

Anybody can be a parent as long as you can procreate.

Plus, you know, it takes a village.

... Uh, how long have you known Ms. Vassal?

Oh, long time. But before I get into that,

while I have you -- it seems to me, some of the most irresponsible people are the girls,

who let themselves get pregnant.

Talking about the teenagers, some using drugs.

Why does the law presume their automatic fitness to parent?

Is it simply because the baby passes through their cervix on the way out?

What kind of litmus is that?

Tell me, while I have you.

There are no absolutes when it comes to bonding.

It can take weeks, it can happen instantly.

With both mother and child?

The likelihood is, the baby hasn't bonded with Ms. Vassal.

That's the likelihood.

But we can't rule out the possibility.

And do you have an opinion as to whether this baby should stay with this Vassal,

versus being placed with another adopted family?

That's easy. He should stay with Ms. Vassal.

Why?

Because she seems to be a good mother,

and from the baby's standpoint, the less disruption the better.

Babies don't like their world to change.

Disruption is not healthy.

And to take him from Ms. Vassal, that would be a disruption.

This baby that we're talking about ----

His name is Elliot.

Elliot. If he would leave Ms. Vassal and be placed with another primary caretaker,

he'd still be able to bond, wouldn't he?

I would think so, yes.

The disruption you're talking about,

is it something that would really harm the baby?

It's hard to tell.

Let me ask it this way:

Which is more important, leaving him with whoever's got him now,

or providing him with the best caretaker?

... Providing him with the best caretaker ----

Thank you.

And by asking her on a date ... ?

I wasn't saying, forgive me, but,

hey, let's take baby steps and start over.

And she said no?

She did.

I think we need to hear you say:

"I was disrespectful to my wife."

I was disrespectful to my wife.

I think we all need to acknowledge

that when we kiss another woman,

it is a betrayal of enormous depths

-- leaving us in a black hole that we can't simply climb out by asking a spouse out on a date.

In fact, the asking of a date itself could have compounded the offense by trivializing it.

That's not ...

that's not what I meant to do.

Billy, why did you kiss that woman?

Because ...

because I'm not good enough.

Not good enough for Georgia.

Whatever I do, she complains.

Even when we made love, I could hear Peggie Lee singing in my head.

Is that all there is?

She's a glass-half-empty person who makes me feel like I drain the glass.

What does she expect? What can I do?

What can you do?

I don't know! She wants me to change, change, change.

And when I did, she goes off and sucks face

with the father of one of my old girlfriends.

And when I get upset and fall off the fidelity wagon for a split second,

she walks on the marriage like I'm the bad guy.

And when I go back groveling for a lousy date, she says no.

Not enough grovel for her, she wants more.

Well, you know what? I am not going to give her more.

I am not going to give her the continued satisfaction

of being able to reduce me to the size of a bug,

so she can crush me with the heel of her shoe.

I am sick of not being good enough!

I am sick of being the poster boy for failure,

which she does on purpose.

She tries to belittle me.

I know what she is.

I know what she is!!!

Say it, Billy.

Say the word.

SHE'S A BITCH!

Yeah!

Bitch! Bitch! Bitch! Bitch! Bitch! ...

I'm no expert on these men's groups, but

they don't sound productive.

Actually, they are.

Stuff comes out of you you didn't know was there.

What came out of you?

I don't want to get back with her, Sandy.

I feel guilty about being unfaithful,

and I want to make the guilt go away.

But I really don't want to get back with Georgia.

Well, then ... you're where you want to be.

Congratulations!

Sandy, would you like to go to the Christmas party with me?

Billy, I work for you.

Plus, I think you should take a little time before you start dating again.

You're right.

Ally, the key is attitude.

Even more than movement, it's attitude.

Watch.

I, I don't know. Elaine, I ----

It's the right song for you, Ally.

It's soft, it's cute and sexy.

♪ Santa Claus ...

Baby. It's "Santa baby."

Elaine, Ally, it's time!

I never thought I wanted to be a mother.

But things are different now.

Such as?

They can laser off stretch marks.

The sacrifices aren't as big.

Richard, can I have him?

Sure. Oh, ==.

Here.

I'd say he got you.

What's wrong with you!

That is so funny!

Now look what you did.

Oh, let me hold him.

I'm going to dress him. He just had a bath.

Oh, let me do it. Look at your naked little[body].

What were you thinking when you lifted him out of the manger?

Well, first, that he was beautiful.

Second, that he was mine.

Yours?

I've held babies before.

I have nieces and nephews, I've held the infants of friends.

But this one -- I don't know why --

but it just hit me this wasn't somebody else's child,

he was meant to be with me.

Elaine, you're a single working woman.

Are, are you going to be able to raise this child?

Well, I'll have to cut back on work.

But I have a good savings.

I made a lot of money on my revolutionary Face Bra.

I'm sorry?

It's a support ----

Eh-eh, okay, okay.

Um, so you are, uh, financially solvent?

Oh, yes. I am quite comfortable.

I can afford to work part-time.

Have you had any, uh, experience with children?

Oh, I've spent a lot of time around kids.

I've baby-sat many times over weekends.

But if you're asking me,has anything in my life prepared me for this,

I'd have to say "Not really."

I mean, certainly nothing prepared me forhow I'd feel the first time that I held him --

and how I still feel.

I'm ready to raise this baby.

I've never been more. ...

I'm sorry ...

I'm ready.

You didn't just invent