Ally McBeal (1997–2002): Season 3, Episode 2 - Buried Pleasures - full transcript

... Ally? ... Ally?

What?

Am I disturbing you?

Uh ... no ... no, go ahead.

Thank you. Next up, uh ... Butters et al. vs. Gaylor. Billy, yours?

Trial starts today. Our client is being sued for sexual harassment.

What did he do? Breathe?

It's a she. Alice Gaylor.

She's being sued by the other women at Corbin Technology, basically for being "too sexy."

What?

Exactly. Provocative dress, whatever.



The other women claim she's been contributing to a sexually charged working environment.

They're suing her and the company.

That is ridiculous!

Uh, I'd like to meet this woman.

How can the judge not throw that out?

We're talking about sexual harassment law, Ally.

Let's not expect it to make sense.

We just have to assume that if any woman, anywhere, at any time,

for the slightest twinge of hyper-sensitivity,

if she can tie it to anything remotely sexual;

she has a cause of action, the courts will protect her.

Which is good.

Because as a matter of law, women need protection.

They're less than.



That's the law.

And, as lawyers, we must all come to respect that.

Are we feeling any anger, Billy?

No. Ally asked me a question.

I did my best to answer it.

I'm responding to her question.

Excuse me for asking another one,

but don't we have a conflict of interest, representing both the woman and her empolyer?

That's already taken care of.

I've asked Renee to be co-counsel.

She'll take Miss Gaylor, I'll take Corbin Technology.

All right then. Off we go. Adjourned.

Ling, what is going on?

Have you ever kissed a woman?

Forget it. You're not going to trick me again.

I'm not trying to trick you. Have you ever?

No ... I haven't. ... At least not for real. ... Ling, what?

Well, I know you see shrinks, and you seem to be the office maven on dreams --

you and the funny little man.

If a woman were to dream about kissing another woman, what would you make of that?

Uh, uh ... I don't know.

I wouldn't neccessarily make anything of it.

I think it's probably a little normal ... a little.

Have you ever dreamed about it?

Look, Ling, would, would I be terribly rude if I said that I didn't want to talking about this?

Is it because we're not friends?

Well, yes. I like parts of you, Ling.

I, I think that you are ... uh, nice, but I wouldn't exactly say that we're friends.

Would you?

I guess not. Maybe we should work on that.

Well, o-okay.

How about we go to dinner, just the two of us?

Uv ... sure.

Great! I'll set it up!

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I'm telling you, Renee, I know when a person hits on me.

And gay women, for whatever reason, love me.

Gay women love you?

They're attracted to me. Yes, they are.

Ling isn't gay.

Well, maybe she is bisexual.

Who knows?

I think she asked me out on a date.

And you said yes.

Well, well, well, I, I couldn't be sure that it was a date.

She guised it in let's-be-friends

But that's how gay women do it -- they send mixed signals.

I mean, say what you want about men, but at least they're obvious.

Ally, if it goes there, all you have to say is "Not for me."

What's with all the panic? What?

As a general rule ... Where's Whipper?

She is on vacation between jobs. As a general rule, what?

As a general rule, the idea of kissing another woman grosses me out - ick.

But sometimes, the idea of kissing certain women doesn't gross me out.

I-it's not like I'm attracted to them, but I ... well, the idea of kissing them isn't, I don't know, repulsive.

Ling, maybe it's her perfect, perfect face, I don't know, but the idea of kissing her, it doesn't gross me out.

Is that what's bothering you?

It shouldn't?

Ally, relax. You're a perfectly normal dyke.

-Renee!
-Kidding.

It's not like I'm attracted to her, I ----

Ally, I get it.

Fine. If you get it, explain it to me. Why am I so nervous?

And, and why am I so worried about what I'm going to wear?

You're worried about what will happen. If opportunity and curiosity collide.

But why am I worried? I'm not going to kiss her.

You might have the slightest itty-bitty little urge.

That's what's bothering you.

Now I'm off to court.

How do I look?

Like you're going off to sing karaoke.

Great. Let's go.

Well, the men in the office just call her the yummy one.

You have any idea why?

Of course I do.

She dresses the way she does, she ... she flaunts sex,

she engages them in sexually laced banter.

Can you give us an example?

Well, she, um ... makes remarks to some of the men.

Little things.

It's a lot of innuendo.

She teases them, and it adds up to an atmosphere of sex in the office.

Did you complain to your employer?

Yeah. He said it's her personality.

That was his answer, "It's her personality."

Innuendo. Hmm ... Was she guilty of any graphic sex talk?

No, but ----

Thank you. Was any of this innuendo directed at you or the other women?

-Well, not exactly ...
-Thank you.

But she does ask the single women in the office if they'd like to be fixed up,

that she knows some fun guys.

And she is constantly doing that.

Did any of the other women take up Miss Gaylor's offer to be introduced to men?

I believe a few did.

What's wrong with the way she dresses?

Well, it's always to accentuate her sexual attributes.

I'm not a prude, I don't mind cleavage.

It just puts out a sexual signal. Let's be honest.

Well, am I putting out a sexual signal right now?

Well, a little.

So, if I were to work in your office dressed the way that I am now,

I'd be guilty of sexual harassment?

If you were dressed that way every day,

if you were constantly dropping little remarks about your libido,

and how much you'd like sex;

that would contribute to a sexually charged workplace.

What if I said something like,

"Girlfriend, it's been so long since I've had it, I don't even remember how it goes"?

Well then, I doubt anybody'd believe you.

Ling. My little Rolaid. What's wrong?

Nothing.

Hmm, excellent.

Richard, have you ever thought about kissing another man?

Ling, that's not even funny.

It disgusts you?

Well, of course it disgusts me.

Don't get me wrong, there's ... absolutely nothing wrong with being homosexual,

but it would be totally disgusting to kiss one.

Oh great, I can't even look at the ... foam now.

I think there's something wrong with me.

What?

I had a dream of ... two women kissing.

Two women kissing?

Nothing wrong with that.

I have that dream all the time.

Why is it okay for two women to kiss, but not two men?

-Seriously?
-Yes.

Well, uh ... in strict anthropological terms,

mankind is all about the propagation of the species.

Without procreation, uh, mankind would become extinct.

To facilitate procreation, the male species must become aroused.

Watching two women take their tongues to each other arouses the male species,

which fosters the urge to procreate and, accordingly,

insures the survival of the human race.

To the contrary,

watching two butt pirates go at it could make a man go limp for a week, the species become threatened.

I consider myself pretty homophobic, but what you just said, that is disgusting.

Fine. Blame me for anthropology.

Richard, I had an erotic gay dream.

I'm scared. I don't want to end up with a woman.

Well, if you did, onion,

you know I'd be there for you... watching, touching myself. I...

This is serious! I don't want to turn gay!

Ling, people don't turn gay.
You either are or you are not.

I've heard of people discovering midlife.

Confused people, sexually ambiguous people.

I've made love to you, I've never found you ambiguous.

Ambidextrous at times, but...

This is serious! If I become a lesbian, it'll be your loss!

Ling.

Never mind Ling. I think I'm going gay.

Excuse me?

I had a dream about kissing ... a woman.

-So?
-"So"?

Oh come on, Ling.

You think you're the first heterosexual woman to fantasize about kissing another woman?

I've had stranger fantasies than that, trust me.

Such as?

That's my business.

You can tell me.

I just told you a valuable little secret.

Friendship is about sharing, Nelle.

Oh yes, Ling, I keep forgetting you live to share.

Just tell me! What is your dirtiest little fantasy?

You really want to know?

Yes. You to me.

Okay. Sometimes, I fantasize about getting spanked

What?

Well, I would never do it.

And trust me, I have no desire to be either victimized or dominated by men.

But spanked?

Well, I, I read this book long ago, called Spank the Maid, and

...don't ask me why

...but I found it slightly titillating.

There was something a little victorian about it.

But, Nelle, that is so ... not you!

It's ... it's submissive, it's ...

Actually, in spanking circles the bottom controls.

You say when, you say stop.

I-is there a newsletter?

Ling, don't worry, I'm not into SM.

And trust me, I would never think of actually satisfying the curiosity.

But ... I can't deny it.

It's a fantasy.

To have a man spank me...thwap! thwap! thwap!...

right on my white little bottom until it turns pink.

You admit the men talk about her?

She's a sexy woman, Mr.Thomas.
Men talk about sexy women.

But the other women,

they claim that the men get a little sex on the brain every time she's around.

How can I prevent that?
Put out a memo:"No sex on the brain"?

Maybe you could tell her not to wear those clothes.

In which case, she could sue me.

I mean, if I fire a woman for being too sexy or for looking too sexy, I get sued by her.

If I allowed her to walk around oozing sex appeal, I'd get sued by them.

There is sex in the air. That's all I can say.

The men shoot looks to each other when she passes by.

And she plays it. She loves it.

How so?

Oh, she leans over desks offering a little peek of cleavage.

She's very touchy.

She enjoys being the center of attention.

And the men respond like little sophomoric imps.

Respond exactly how? I'm trying to get a picture.

The best way I can describe it is "sex is in the air."

If you go into a singles bar, you get that feeling.

The horny antennae are up out and on the alert.

That's the way it feels it in this office.

There's an energy of hedonism, and she generates it.

Quite on purpose, I might add.

When you dress in the morning, do you try to make yourself look your best?

Yes.

But she can't?

I know the problem:

Where do you draw the line? Perfume? Tight sweater? Where's the line?

All I can say ...she crossed it.

We say that men can't contribute to a sexually charged workplace.

Well, women shouldn't be able to, either.

Okay, Alice, you'll testify tomorrow.

Now, it's important that you don't come off as any kind of sexual predator.

I won't.

How are we doing?

I think all right. Your testimony will be important.

Renee, can I steal you for a second?

Okay. We'll meet here tomorrow, 9:30.

I think you should tell her to tone down the dress a little,

and I think you could tone it down a little yourself.

Excuse me?

This is a courtroom.

I realize that.

Don't you think that if she dressed differently,

it would look like some sort of admission that the way she usually dresses is inappropriate?

It is inappropriate.

The issue is whether it constitues sexual harassment.

And, like any case, it comes down to who the jury sympathizes with more.

And, dressed like that, it won't be her.

Is that right?

And it applies to lawyers too.

Don't get me wrong, you're beautiful, this look is great...on cable.

But in a courtroom? Will you think about it?

I won't stop thinking about it, trust me.

Thanks.

Ally.

Ling, hi ... hello ... hi.

I made reservations at Jaspers, 8:00.

Oh great, excellent, great.

You still game?

Oh, hey, wouldn't kiss it. Miss it. I wouldn't miss it.

Ling. Pringle .

Uh, can't talk now, Richard.

What was that about?

How should I know? Why would you ask me?

I ...

Richard, I need to talk to you. Bit of an emergency.

Spanked?

Yes.

Did she tell you that?

She didn't tell me, I heard her tell Ling.

Does Ling like to be spanked?

I don't think so. She sounded shocked.

You know, as it is, Richard, I'm not a sexually adventurous person.

Driving pleasure from pain... it makes me very uncomfortable.

Uh, what,..., she never broached it with you?

No!

Well, look. Don't panic here. First things first.

I think you need to sit down with Nelle and, you know, spank her.

Richard!

Just take her right over your knee...

Stop it! It isn't funny!

It's violence, and I'm not a sexual adventurist, I...

John, wait ... hold on!

Don't you think you're being a little selfish here?

What you should be expressing is concern for Nelle:

Does she need help? She should get counseling?

Maybe her talking to Ling was some sort of a cry for help.

There's a lot of questions here.

Let's look at her as a victim for a second and, you know, uh ... spank her.

'Cause victims love that.

Never mind!

John, wait. You think you got it bad.

Ling has been having gay erotic dreams.

-I beg you pardon?
-Yes.

What do you think that means?

I don't know.

But one thing seems certain:
you and I, in bed, we're not pleasing our women

So ... that was an excellent dinner, scrumptious, really good.

H-how was your, um ... meat?

Oh, it was great.

Excellent. I love it when you go out to eat and the food is excellent.

I mean, don't you?

Yes. ... Look.

I guess it's obvious, the dream I had about kissing a woman...the woman was you.

I've been just as scared as you.

I...I always get afraid that dreams mean something, and I tend to confront them.

That's why I wanted to have dinner.

Sitting here,

looking at you,

letting my mind wander a little, thinking what if you and I...

I've reconfirmed with myself that what I really want out of a relationship at the end of the day...

...is a penis.

Oh, me too.

So, can we just drop this little curiosity dance, and just resume disliking each other?

Oh, that would be so great.

I am so relieved!

Oh, me too! God!

Uh-oh. Three o'clock, hockey team.

They look like they're daring each other to move in.

I hate that when a guy comes up to hit on you while his friends watch.

Ally, do you want to have a little fun?

Sounds mean.

It is. You know what arouses and frustrates them at the same time?

What?

Two beautiful women ... into each other.

Shall we dance?

Let's.

I thought the hostess was going to ask us to leave!

I thought she was going to join us!

Oh, is this you?

Yeah. ... I had a great time.

Whoever would've guessed I could have fun with you?

Yeah. I'm sorry I made you so nervous at first.

That's okay. ... Hey, you, um ... you want to come in?

Get some coffee?

We could, um, make some prank phone calls.

No thanks. It's late. Richard's probably waiting to do my knee.

Ah, okay.

So, uh, I'll see you tomorrow.

Yeah ... yeah, tomorrow.

God! John, she's not alone.

As many as 30 percent of adult women fantasize about getting spanked.

But it's violence!

Well, it's also Freudian. He said pain is arousing.

Oh, everything aroused Freud, he was a little pervert.

But 30 percent ... !

Listen to this:

"Many women brush their hair in bed,

leave the brush on the nightstand in the secret hope their partner will take it to them."

What? Nelle sometimes brushes her hair in bed.

My god, Richard, I had better talk to her.

No, no. I wouldn't. Not if you want to get her going.

Well, now what?

"The surprise factor adds to the pleasure."

Just as I thought I had my sexual esteem back, this is a disaster!

I don't propositon the men, I don't date anybody from work.

In fact, I have a rule against it.

But you do dress to turn the guys on a little.

I don't deny that. I like to feel attractive.

And, truth be told, your "rule" about dating men at work...

the word is, you kind of use that a little to make guys think:

Ah, but for that rule, they might have a chance with you?

Yes, I do that.

Can you tell us why?

It's power. Sex for me is power.

How so?

I have something men want.

And, even though they know they're not going to get it,

they love the flirt, they love being in my company.

And it's an equalizer.

An equalizer?

I'm not the smartest one in the room.

But I get a lot of help from my coworkers, mostly male.

They're happy to cover my shifts or pitch in on an assignment if I'm behind.

An attractive woman gets cut a lot of slack sometimes.

That's a fact.

And you exploit that a little?

Yes, but I've never exploited it to victimize anybody.

You try your case, Billy. And I'll try mine.

The problem is, you're trying my case as well, Renee.

Our clients are linked,

and what you're doing hurts my client's chances of getting a fair trial!

What am I doing?

Playing the stupid sex slut power card like it's something to champion.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

Your strategy has all the integrity of a lap dance!

What?

You think what you're doing shows some respect for women?

I respect any woman's right to her individuality.

Oh, give me a break.

You know what your problem is, Billy?

You don't like women being sexy.

It threatens your own masculinity.

"Threatens my ... "!? Oh, I'd love to hear this.

Don't talk to me about respect for women.

You don't even like strong women.

That's why you ran from Ally.

What?

You knew you wouldn't be able to tell her what to do and how to dress.

That is so...

So, you go out, and you find yourself a little Barbie doll wife.

HEY!!! Don't you ever attack my wife!

I'll be happy to stick up for her.

How's this?:
She's too good for you male chauvinist, King Kong pig.

I'm a male chauvinist pig?

The worst kind!

You disguise yourself as being pro-women, while you're not!

You had a problem with Georgia dressing sexy last year.

I know about that!

You left Ally because you knew she would not stay home and cook and clean.

My problem right now is with co-counsel,

walking around the courtroom with a plunging neckline,

throwing her breasts out like they're two condos she's trying to sublet!!!

Male chauvisnit pig!!! Get out!!!

Hi, sweetie! Haven't seen you all day.

Oh? Well, I, I've been out, in, in plain sight.

Cute! I miss you.

How about coming home with me tonight?

Let me cook for you.

Fine.

Maybe I'll whip up something slightly more exotic.

Think you can be adventurous?

Sure.

I'll get my coat

Hi, John. ... What's the matter?

Elaine, do you remember what you did for me last week?

Could you, uh ... ?

Sure. Mmm ...

you hot, hot biscuit ... mm,

I could fry an egg on you ... eggs ... and your hot, hot sausage ...

on a hot, hot biscuit ...

I look at you, and I see brunch ...

you hot, hot biscuit ...

I'm his fluffer.

Ally?

Ling! Hey. Hi-i-i. Ho-how's it going?

You're all flustered again.

Me? No, no, I'm...I was just, you know, hanging out. ...you know, relaxing...

Are you okay?

I'm fine. I'm fine.

Why are you so nervous?

Oh I ... all right. I had a great time last night.

But ... but w-w-well ...

As we were saying good night, you wanted to kiss me?

Well, I'm, well, uh ... well, yeah.

But no . I mean, it's, it's not because ...

You're gay?

Right. I'm not gay.

You know, I'm not even ashamed to admit that I don't want to be gay.

But ...

You're curious?

Well, it wasn't just that, Ling.

For whatever reason, last night I had an urge to kiss you.

Do you now?

Could you step out from behind that desk?

I ... well, I was, um ... headed this way anyway.

I've been thinking about it, too.

You have?

All day.

Maybe it's because we had such a good time, and ...

Nelle thinks the euphoria of a new friendship can send the brain ...

You talked to Nelle about it?

Yes.

What did she say?

She has some theory about ...

There's something arousing about curiosity and non-mainstream,

whatever, I don't really remember ...

She thought it would all go away if I did kiss you.

Maybe we should. Jus-just to ... see what it's like.

What do you think it would be like?

-Soft.
-Soft.

-That didn't suck.
-Not at all.

-One more?
-Little one.

I still cannot believe it.

Well, neither can I. I kissed a woman!

And?

She can kiss.

I mean, you know Ling -- there's nothing she's not good at.

How did you leave it?

We just left it.

We kissed a second time, and she just walked out of the room.

That's it? You didn't talk?

I don't think either one of us had any idea what to say.

Who told?

Excuse me?

Why are you here?

To see Renee.

I think we need to coordinate our closing arguments.

What's there to coordinate?

You condemn sexual harassment laws in general, then I hang my two condos out for rent.

Renee.

I've got my closing for my client. You just worry about yours.

Okay. What have I missed?

So, you just left after dinner?

I couldn't take it.

She started brushing her hair.

A brush the size of a tennis racket. ... And you?

Well, she just rolled over.

My little knee pit thing isn't working. She's built up a small callous.

What's happened to us, John? We're not our usual sex machines.

Well, I'll tell you what. I'm not going to wallow.

If I can't be the old John Cage, then I'll be the new one.

Meaning?

Changed once, I can change again. Well, may the wild winds carry me onward.

Good start!

I'm a new man again.

Why should women have to work in that kind of climate,

with men sniggering like school boys?

Why should they have to go to an office every day

to watch her strut around like some center-fold layout queen

for the collective Neanderthal jolly?

Is it so unreasonable to say to this woman:
"Dress a little more modestly"?

Is that such a huge imposition on individuality?

There is no harassment going on here.

This is an enormously attractive woman men are attacted to.

I'm sure they do look, smile, shoot sideways glances, maybe even fantasize about her.

Are you going to punish the employer for that?

What have you heard what anybody has actually done?

Come on!

You put men and women in the same room,

sexual chemistry will always be in the air...

especially when you have a woman who looks like that.

When I was a little girl, I went to a musical.

And there were all these cancan girls jumping around.

They looked a little silly to me.

But then, this one beautiful woman came out and started singing to this powerful man.

And on the stage she suddenly controlled him.

And I didn't think she was a victim,

and I didn't see her as a bimbo,

and I didn't think she was the anti-feminist.
NO.

I saw a woman whose gift was sex appeal.

Charismatic, even contagious sex appeal.

And she wasn't ashamed of having it.

Now, these women over here would have you believe that Alice Gaylor should be ashamed of it.

Just like some people tell me that I should be ashamed of it.

Yes, I've been getting that message all my life:

If you use your sexuality, you set the feminist movement backwards.

That's ridiculous.

-So?
-So?

We need to talk about it.

Well, what do you have to say?

Me? Well ... okay. It gave me another dream ...

Oh.

About me and Richard.

Oh.

I told him, after you I could never go back to kissing him.

Oh.

But it was just a dream.

The truth is, even though you're a great kisser...

almost as good as me...and I admit to enjoying it...

It wasn't ...

The same as ...

Yeah. There was that one missing ingredient you need for the tingle.

And we both know what that is, don't we?

Penis.

-I like men.
So am I.

-But I'm glad we did it.
-So am I.

Promise me you'll never tell anyone.

Ye ... I already told Renee.

But I will promise you this, Ling:
I will never kiss another woman.

Deal.

Mr. Foreman, has the jury reached its verdict?

We have, Your Honor.

What say you?

In the matter of Butters et al. vs. Corbin Technologies,

on the count of sexual harassment, we find in favor of the defendant.

Count two, Butters et al. vs. Alice Gaylor,

on the count of sexual harassment, we find in favor of the defendant.

Thank you very much, jury, for your service. Dismissed.

Well, I'm so happy to be going to bed early tonight.

You have no idea ... I was on my feet all day ...

I had to go to the printer's ...

What's wrong?

Nothing. I flex my pupil sometimes to strengthen my eye sight.

Oh John, you can't improve your eye sight with pupil flexes.

What, did your smile therapist tell you that one?

That was nice.

I have a little surprise for you.

Oh you do? What?

Oh it's just a little gift. It's on the floor beside the bed.

No, it's on my side.

Oh ... can you hand it to me?

No. You have to see it on the floor.

What are you up to?

Just look, darling.

What, are you crazy!?

You hurt me!
What the hell were you thinking!

I should call the police! I should have you arrested for god's sake!

Ju-just get out! I want you to leave!

You sicko!

Where, where are you now? ...

Oh well, I'm sure she'll get over it, John. ...

Look. Can we talk later? It's a little hard to hear.

I' ll call you back. Yeah.

What happened?

The Biscuit spanked Nelle. She threw him out.

He spanked her? Why would he ... ?

It's a long story. Ling, can we dance? I've been kind of missing you.

Ally, look! He's got your girl!

Funny.

Seen Billy?

Uh ... no, no, I think he's still upstairs. Hey sit. Join us.

Well, that's okay. I'll sit in the Barbie section.

Oh boy. Private practice is tough.

You'll patch it up. Hey, Renee.

First civil trial and victory! Here's to your milestone.

-And to yours.
-Funny again.

So, are we feeling hetero these days?

Pretty much.

Good. I've been on the Internet, I, I got some new tricks.