Ally McBeal (1997–2002): Season 3, Episode 19 - Do You Wanna Dance? - full transcript

[Teakettle Hissing]

[Ally Squeals]

[Ally Giggling, Squealing]

[Teakettle Whistling]

Hi.

- You just had sex.
- What?

Renee, are you crazy?

- Where is he?
- There is nobody here.

Ally, your face gets a certain
look when you've just had sex.

There is nobody here.

Oh.



Anybody I know in mind?

Just get out.

Fine.

Ah, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.

That... That is, uh, private.

It's my journal.

Journal? Yes.

Turn back a few pages,

back to the time when you and I
used to tell each other everything.

Okay.

I, um...

I just had computer sex.

Computer sex.

It was amazing.



♪ I've been down this road ♪

♪ Walkin' the line
that's painted by pride ♪

♪ And I have made
mistakes in my life ♪

♪ That I just can't hide ♪

♪ Oh, I believe I am ready ♪

♪ For what love has
to bring Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ I got myself together ♪

♪ Now I'm ready to sing ♪

♪ I've been searching
my soul tonight ♪

♪ I know there's so
much more to life ♪

♪ Now I know I
can shine a light ♪

♪ To find my way back home ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Baby, yeah ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪♪

[Sighs] We've been
e-mailing back and forth...

for about four months now,

and... it's been great.

And you talk sex?
To get each other...

Oh, no. It was... That...
No. That was the first time.

You're having a relationship on the
Internet. Well, there are worse things.

You realize this guy's probably
got two heads and a criminal record.

No, he doesn't. Then why
haven't you met him in person?

Well, I think that the anonymity of
it all makes it a little more exciting.

And plus I think
he's married. Ally!

Oh, it is just e-mail.
You just had sex...

I did not have sex. A fantasy
with you is just like the real thing.

You had sex with a married
man. I did not have sex.

And there's nothing wrong with
fantasizing about a married man.

Plus, I don't even know that
he's married. I just think it...

because he is the one
who's resisting meeting me.

I would do it in a second.

He's... Well, he
just seems so great.

And when Billy
died, he-he was so...

Well, he just knew the right
things to say. He's a priest.

Oh, he isn't a priest.
They love to get on-line.

He is just a guy.
He's not just a guy.

If this guy's normal
and unmarried,

then he'd agree to meet you.

You're right.

Okay, I will meet
him then. I will.

Moving along, uh,
Bender versus Hanks?

Mark? Ally?

- Murder?
- [Mark] Sorry. Civil case this time.

Jimmy Bender is suing his best friend,
Peter Hanks, for emotional distress.

- [Richard] What did he do?
- He slept with his wife.

He can sue for that?
How can he sue for that?

Because it caused emotional
distress, Richard. It was his wife.

But you're talking about
love. That's based on pain.

You're talking about sex. That can
be based on pain sometimes too.

Ouch. It hurts. Do it again.
Ouch. It hurts. Do it again.

[John] Richard.

If we can move along.
I have a busy day.

Oh! Well, then let's by
all means speed it up.

Frosty the Snowgirl has plans.

- What did you call me?
- Frosty the Snowgirl.

Yes. Without the warmth.

You shouldn't get to
talk to me like that...

just because you're
senior pipsqueak.

[Gasps] I mean partner.

All right, this isn't necessary.

Speaking of which, I'd
like to be made partner.

I believe I generate
most of the business

here. I'd like to be
compensated accordingly.

Over my dead body, which would still
be a few degrees warmer than yours,

you rich bitch
elitist ice queen.

You can't talk like that. Of course I
can. You heard me. I didn't even stutter.

John, she is an associate that you
had sex with. She could sue you for...

Let her try. You know
what she is, Ally?

And I never used this
word describing any

woman before. But
with her, it's what she is.

Obviously, you have a
little residual hostility here.

And she works for you.
You better be careful.

She ended it to my buttocks.

I was stuck in an elevator. She looked
me right in the ass and then dumped it.

It was cowardly, I agree, but you
cannot-cannot-cannot act out like this.

It's-It's against the
law. Balls the law.

We went to high
school together. College.

He was even best
man in my wedding.

Turns out he was best man
with your wife, I guess too.

Do we really need to get
cheap and gratuitous about this?

Mr. Albert, keep
it about the case.

Mr. Bender, you
divorced your wife.

That's done. Why sue this man?

He was my best friend. This is not just
about an affair that broke up a marriage.

This is about an
affair that happened

expressly because he
and I were best friends.

Could you explain that? Yes.

We moved to Boston because
my job brought me here.

Susan's from St. Louis.
She has no friends here.

So I asked Peter if he could help
her get involved in things here.

Um, new friendships,
tennis league, anything.

Basically, I asked my best friend
to help me look after my wife.

And he certainly
did that, didn't he?

For two years. He lied to me.

He was sleeping with her...

and continuing to present
himself as my best friend.

That's betrayal. Forget about me
being able to trust another woman.

This has rendered me unable to...
[Continues] ♪ You see this guy ♪

♪ This guy's in love with you ♪

♪ Yes, I'm in love ♪

♪ Who looks at
you the way I do ♪♪

[Record Scratches, Song Stops]

You've told many people you blame
yourself for the demise of the marriage.

Yes. I blame myself for misplacing my
trust in someone who I thought was loyal.

Did you tell people you were
guilty of neglecting your wife?

Which is why I asked Peter
to help me look after her.

- How many hours a week
did you work, sir?
- I wasn't home a lot.

I admitted that, which,
again, is why I turned to Peter.

In truth, you'd stopped being
her lover, hadn't you, sir?

We-We-We were going
through some things.

You'd gone months
without kissing her even.

Your lips never touched hers.

[Ally] It's him.

The computer guy? I
just have this feeling.

I swear, there was something...

And the way he looked at me,
I think that he knows it was me.

He, you, what?

Ally had computer
sex with someone. Ow!

I've been corresponding
with a guy on e-mail.

I've never met him...
But they have... Ouch!

He used my e-mail
name in two questions.

He got it into the questions,

and I just have this
feeling that he's the guy.

Why don't you just ask him?

Oh. And what if I'm wrong?

"I beg your pardon, but did you touch
yourself last night with me in mind...

while reading my e-mails?"

I'll ask him. Ow!

I'm just gonna e-mail him again
and demand him to meet me,

and then I'll know for sure.

You promised me I would be
considered for partnership in two years.

We have considered you, Nelle. I
did the analysis. It didn't work out.

Why not? Well, when
we examined the numbers,

splitting the pie in half, I get more
money than if I split it in threes.

If you examine this graphic,

here... uh, me
and John, I get half.

Include you, I get less.

More. Less.

You can't ignore
the research, Nelle.

Well, obviously, it means you
having to give up some of your piece.

And if I did that, how can I look
myself in the mirror or face others?

Being generous doesn't
earn respect, Nelle.

People may smile and say "thank you,"
but underneath, they're thinking "sap."

Leaders don't give away money. You
keep as much for yourself as you can.

You try to get more even
when you don't need it.

Giving away money makes
you a fool in other people's eyes,

especially in the
business world.

Yeah. I need to be a good
leader, Nelle, not a charitable sap.

I would love to see you get richer, but
not at the cost of my own self-respect.

There will be consequences
for this, Richard.

Well...

John. Hi.

How's it going? Oh, not bad.

Considering I often have to work
side by side with revolting people,

one of which I even dated.

It's amazing I didn't
lose my penis to frostbite.

Yeah. [Clears Throat]

Listen.

I know that you're
best friends with Ally.

Do you think that...

she and I could be...

Be a match?

As a couple? Yeah.

No. Oh. You mind
telling me why not?

[Sighs] Well, Mark, with Ally, it's
the internals that matter the most,

and you have the
depth of a bottle cap.

I apologize. That
was cold of me.

That's what can happen when
you hang out with a Popsicle.

Do you think she'd
say no if I asked her?

It would be folly for me
to speak for Ally McBeal.

But, Mark, if you
wanna go out with her,

I'd just ask her.

- [Renee] What'd he say?
- I'm waiting. Just hold on.

D-Do you mind? It's private.

[Renee] Oh, come on. I'm just...

Renee, I asked you to step back.

Fine. I was just... "Loverlips"?

Renee, go away.

That's your name
on this? Loverlips?

Never mind.

[Beeps] [Chuckles] Oh, wait.

It's him. [Typing]

[Beeps] Ah.

He's agreeing to meet me.
We're going to meet tonight.

[Typing] I swear
he knows it's me.

"Thunderthighs"?
Oh. Ju... Go away.

Loverlips and Thunderthighs?

You're supposed to pick a
kind of exotic name, okay?

Fine.

- Fine.
- Oh, shut up.

[Laughs]

I suppose I began
to fall in love with her.

And at some point
you acted on it.

The, uh, three of
us were out at a bar.

There was a piano
singer or something.

And Jimmy got a call from
work, some emergency.

And he had to leave.

So Susan and I were left alone.

And the singer was
singing some song.

♪ Do you wanna dance ♪
We talked about this and that.

Who knows what? ♪
And hold my hand ♪

But the truth...

What we were afraid to confront
seemed to be getting louder,

like a telltale heart or
something. ♪ Oh, baby ♪

Finally, I couldn't
take it any longer,

and I asked her to dance.

She said yes, and we got up...

and went to the dance floor.

And it was... ♪
Under the moonlight ♪

It was like we'd either been
together our whole lives...

or we should've been.

♪ Baby ♪
It was the dance that, uh...

Then, uh... ♪ Do
you wanna dance ♪

I don't know if I went to kiss
her or she went to kiss me.

Suddenly, we were kissing
right there on the dance floor,

and it was magic. ♪
Do you wanna dance ♪

♪ Do you, do you ♪ My
God, it was the most tender,

magical kiss that could ever
be. ♪ Oh, do you, do you ♪♪

- [Sighs]
- [Song Stops]

Sorry. Ju... [Clears Throat]

[Clears Throat]

[Ling] What do you mean "leave"?

Well, I've worked
out the numbers,

and with the clients we have, if we started
our own firm, we'd make more money.

I'm rich. I only go to
work to wear my outfits.

If it were just you and me...
You've already seen my outfits.

Plus, I'd have
to talk to clients.

I hate clients.

So you like working
for Mutt and Jeff. Yes.

They're fun. Fun maybe, but...

Wouldn't you like to go
to work with real lawyers?

No!

Well...

Between you and me...
[Sighs] I think I might leave.

Maybe I'll join one of the
big firms. The big firms?

Do you know how long it takes
to make partner at a big firm?

[Scoffs] Please. Between my portables,
my hair, the sexual harassment laws?

I'll be partner in a month.

[Sighs]

[Chattering]

Excuse me. [Gasps]

Oh. Uh, I'm sorry.

Ah.

That's okay. I always... I always
forget to pull up when I'm finished.

Here. Let me, uh... uh...

♪ For your love ♪

Thank you. ♪ I
would do anything ♪

Uh, I know this might sound like
rather, uh, a Neanderthal pick-up line,

but, um, have we met before?

Um... Um... I don't think so.

It's just that you were
looking at me like, um...

♪ For your kiss ♪

Well, I like to distract
opposing counsel. That's all.

I like to look at 'em like I
wanna tear off their clothes...

and lick them from head to
toe. ♪ I would go anywhere ♪

♪ For your kiss ♪♪

And here I was
hoping it was genuine.

Well, my tongue is
free later. [Laughs]

[Chuckles] Kidding.

Maybe we could get a coffee.

I can't today. I have an
appointment after we're done here.

[Song Stops] But tomorrow?

You have an appointment? After
you're done here? Yeah. A meeting.

Um, how about tomorrow night?

A meeting? A business meeting?

No. It's personal.

Ah.

Tomorrow sounds great.

Great. Great.

You will take it easy
cross-examining my client?

Sorry. I only know one speed.

Okay, so you fell in love.

Why lie to him for two
years? Why not tell him?

Well, it was a
difficult situation.

You're his best friend, and you continued
holding yourself out as his best friend.

And it was that friendship
I was afraid of losing.

You're afraid of losing his
friendship, but you sleep with his wife?

Objection. Gophering.

Oh, I... [Clears Throat]
I apologize, Your Honor.

In America, you call it "badgering."
In my country, it's "gophering."

- She's gophering
the witness, Judge.
- Overruled.

I still can't get past
the two years of deceit.

- Gophering.
- Overruled.

You and Susan ever discuss how to
keep this affair secret from Mr. Bender?

Well, of course.

You, uh... You made plans.

You, uh, went to great
lengths to preserve the lie.

- Pope Paul!
- Pope Paul?

Once again, I apologize, Your Honor.
In England, in objections to sarcasm,

barristers would often say, "He's
Winston Churchill-ing the witness."

Over the years, it was
shortened to just "Church."

At some point, it
morphed into "Pope Paul."

I don't know why.
It's rather silly really.

You really think he's the guy you've
been talking to on the computer?

He told me that he had a meeting right
after court, and he looked right at me.

And the way he said it... Don't you think
that would be kind of a big coincidence?

He used "lover" and "lips"
in successive questions.

Did he use the words "thunder"
or "thighs"? Never mind.

[Gasps] Oh, okay. Ooh.
It's time for you to go.

Where do you want me?

Uh... Uh... Okay, okay.
Just go sit over at that café.

Now, if he does turn out
that he is a big weirdo,

I am going to put my
purse on the table like this,

and that is your signal
for you to come join us.

Now, if I don't, I don't
wanna see your face.

And if he's wearing a wedding
ring, put the purse on the table.

Go.

Ma'am. [Coughs]

You doing okay?
Fine, fine. Run away.

- [Door Slams]
- [Knocking]

Nelle, how are you? You can get
back to me with your answer on that.

How you seen the Penal
Eskevettes file? The which?

Penal Eskevettes. Oh!
The Penal Eskevettes.

Actually, I have that
one in here. Do you?

And why would you have
the Penal Eskevettes file?

I believe I had to meet
with Mr. Penal Eskevettes...

because you were too busy being
wedged into an elevator shaft...

with your skinny, little legs sticking
out with your unmatching socks.

I'll take that file
now, please. Fine.

And I'll have my assistant
notify Mr. Penal Eskevettes...

that you're out of
the elevator shaft.

[Door Opens, Slams]

[Lips Popping]

Loverlips?

It's me. Thunderthighs.

You-You're... Thunderthighs.

Oh.

Um... [Clears Throat]

What a... What a...
a surprise. [Chuckles]

You expected
something different?

I expected something older.

How old are you? Nineteen.

You said you were 33.
You said you were 25.

I did.

But... Well... Well, it was...

Well, it was... I prob-prob-probably
because I thought...

that a 33-year-old guy would
want somebody who was 25.

[Laughing]

Oh, boy. Well, this
is a big bust, huh?

Why? I mean, the
stuff we talked about.

We really connected.

What's your real name?

Uh, Pam.

Pam.

That's a pretty name.

Thunder... Chris.

Chris. Um, I-I-I-I
don't think that...

[Laughs] Well, what would
we really have in common?

Pam, we have spent
the last four months...

writing back and
forth about everything.

It seems to me we
have a lot in common.

I mean,

you're not gonna let yourself get
thrown by this whole age thing, are you?

Well, I-I was just wondering...

if-if we would be
that compatible.

[Glass Shatters]

- [Moaning]
- Maybe we should find out.

[Squeals] Sorry.
[Clears Throat] Sorry?

Let's have dinner together.

Okay.

You wanna eat
here? Um... Uh, no.

Let's go someplace else.

Excuse me, ma'am. Put your hands
behind your back, please. What?

- You have the right
to remain silent.
- Christopher.

- Mom?
- Mom?

I thought this was
happening. Oh, God.

- Mom...
- Mom? Wha-Wha-What is going on?

This boy's 16 years old, ma'am,
and you are under arrest. Let's go.

I...

You're now second chair? Yes.

Well, where's Ally? Oh, Ally got
arrested for attempted statutory rape.

But I read the file.
I'm up to speed.

She got arrested for
attempted statutory...

- Rape?
- It was a big mistake.

I thought that he was 33.

He told me that he
was 33 the entire time.

Until the end, when we were going
to have dinner, I thought he was 19,

but I never, ever once knew that he
was 16 until his mother jumped out.

Uh... Uh...

There is an allegation
of computer sex. Once.

Only once. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. I had computer
sex with a 16-year-old.

What exactly... Never mind.

- Oh, forget it.
- Was it a big computer
or one of those PalmPilots?

Richard. I don't
want him on this case.

Let's settle down. We go in
for arraignment. Oh, my God.

I will move for a probable cause.
Hopefully, we can make this go away.

- What was the name
of the computer?
- Never mind the computer.

Or the software? Or
was it hardware? Oh!

Bygones. We ask
the tough questions.

32445. Commonwealth
versus Allyson McBeal.

Waive reading!

Uh, John Cage, Richard Fish and Renee
Raddick for the defendant, Your Honor.

Only three lawyers.

These charges are so outlandish, Your
Honor, it takes three lawyers to convey...

the necessary outrage.

Good one.

How old is the boy?

Sixteen, Your Honor. Here he is.

Stand up, young man.

Defense seeks an immediate
probable cause hearing.

Yes. Probable cause. Uh, 2:00?

Adjourned. [Gavel Raps]

Falling in love, it's-it's not
something you choose to do.

All right, but why not tell your
husband this had happened?

Because at first we didn't know
if it was just gonna be an affair,

or if it was going to
be something short.

I didn't want it to destroy
my marriage, I guess.

Falling in love isn't
something you choose to do.

You chose to sleep with him.

Didn't you, Susan? That
was a choice you made.

Yes.

And the decision to lie, that was
a choice too, wasn't it, Susan?

I'm not proud of this.

When you knew that this new
true love was for real, Mrs. Hanks,

did you then tell
your husband? No.

Well, then how did he find out
about it? He walked in on us.

He walked in on you. Is that when
you decided to be honest about it?

When he walked in and
discovered your legs spread...

- Objection!
- Mr. Albert.

Till death do you
part, Mrs. Hanks.

You took a vow with that man, or
were you just lying at that ceremony too?

Mr. Albert, I said
that is enough.

What was up with that, Mark?

You were harder on her than you
were on the guy that we're suing.

We need to have
the jury's anger...

Can we talk about your
anger? No, we cannot.

I'm bored.

Then go then, Ling. Ally's back.

That hurt my feelings.

Ally.

Oh. Hey. Hi, Bryan.

Well, the judge has suspended
closings till this afternoon,

so how do you feel
about getting that coffee?

Now?

Oh. Uh... Uh...

Gee. Um, actually, I have
a probable cause hearing.

Not your own, I hope. Oh, who told?
What, does everybody know everything?

I-I was kidding.

Oh. Is it your own?

Well, it's a small, uh...

Kind of like a parking
ticket kind of thing.

Mm-hmm. Um, what is it exactly?

Oh. [Laughs] You
know. Statu... Statue?

Tory.

Statutory rape.

Oh, it-it was a big mistake.

I was corresponding with this guy
on the Internet who I thought was 33,

and some of the exchanges
were a little sexual.

"PG," nothing "R."

Well, maybe a little "R," but
nothing NC-17, which is good.

'Cause he turned out
not to be 17. He was 16.

[Laughs] Who knew?

I met him for coffee,
and he told me he was 19.

And I was going to
have dinner with him.

Dinner with a 19-year-old
who, as I said, was really 16.

I know. Who can
keep it all straight?

Kids grow up so fast these
days, and I got arrested.

I really am innocent.

You, in fact, discussed your
ages in your e-mails, did you not?

Yes. He told me he was 33.

Okay. How old did you
represent yourself to be?

- Is that important?
- How old?

[Sighs] Twenty-five. Please.

Uh, wha-wha... Okay.

Could you... Ms. McBeal.

What was the nature
of your correspondence?

Um, well, we mostly
talked about everyday stuff...

What movies we
liked, what books.

We didn't talk much
about sex. [Mic Squeals]

I'm sorry, but is it just me,

or did this mic just
get loud and squeal?

I'm afraid it's just you.

Figures. Uh, Ms. McBeal, at any
time during your correspondence,

did you ever know
Mr. Emerson to be underage?

No. Never. Absolutely not.

[Mouths Words]

Didn't he talk a lot
about his parents? Yes.

But a lot of people do. And
his favorite movie... what was it?

The Spy Who Shagged Me.

And his favorite
television show?

Dawson's Creek.

- But a lot of old men pervs
like to watch nubile teens.
- [Mic Squeals]

You did, in fact, engage in rather graphic
sexual dialogue with him, didn't you?

One time we talked
about sex. [Mic Squeals]

One time.

You attempted to arouse
each other sexually by e-mails.

Yes. We talked about
sex for the purpose...

[Mic Squeals] of
arousing each other.

But I never knew that he was 16
when I talked about sex. [Mic Squeals]

I don't get my jollies helping
young boys get erections.

[Mic Squeals] Trust me.

[Knocking] Come in.

- Mark?
- Ally.

How'd it go?

Oh, um, the 16-year-old is
going to testify this afternoon,

and then the judge
will rule from there.

How's it going with you?

Me? I'm just working
on my closing.

Why did you start railing
on that woman like that?

Well, we're going for
a big judgment here.

We need to tap into
the jury's outrage.

I go rough sometimes.
It's a strategy.

Seemed a little
beyond strategy to me.

Well, I think your judgment might
be clouded here. You think about that.

I've heard it happens to people
when they're on trial for statutory rape.

What was the
strategy in that remark?

I'm sorry.

Is everything okay?

Well...

Uh... Would you ever want to...

do...

Do the closing?

Sorry? Never mind.

I was just thinking maybe
you should do the closing.

Then when I think about
it again, it's just ridiculous.

Uh, it should be me.

Never mind.

[Drawer Opens] Are
you really okay, Mark?

Oh, I'm just fine.
I'm just... I'm gonna...

work on my summation.

I'll see you in court. Okay?

Sure.

[Sighs]

[Door Closes]

- It was my intent to lie.
- Now, why is that, Chris?

Well, I met girls my
own age at school.

I wanted to hook up
with an older woman,

someone with real experience.

Uh... [Stammering]

These e-mails, now, they weren't
sex talk as a rule, were they?

Only the last one.
It was awesome.

Thank you. But the majority...
And then when we met...

[Chuckles] Oh, my God.

Yeah. Uh, what... Wait. Nothing
happened after you met, right?

No. But, you know, I was
wanting to meet an older woman.

And she said she was 25.

Then when I saw her,
she was more like 35.

It was like a dream.

Why was it like a dream?

Well, The Graduate is
one of my favorite films.

Hers too.

She would like to be Anne
Bancroft in an affair like that.

She would say, "Society so accepts
older men going after young girls.

Hooray for the older woman
who pursues the young boy."

Oh, man, I couldn't
wait to meet her.

She turned out to be
older than Anne Bancroft.

Okay, did she ever know
you were a young man?

No. Thank you, Chris, for
your delightful testimony.

Nice, John. Really nice.

If I'd have known you idolized
Anne Bancroft, Loverlips.

You should have got in that he
never told me his age and left it at that.

I tried. The little bastard
kept adding things.

Three lawyers. He calls me
35 and not one of you object.

Let's look at the positive
side. She didn't revoke bail.

Oh!

I keep getting hit.
Let's all settle down.

She said she'd rule in an
hour. Let's get some coffee.

I can't. I have to
go to trial upstairs.

Maybe the last trial before I
get disbarred. [Elevator Dings]

There are very few things in
life as precious as friendship.

The best part of marriage
even is friendship.

And if we don't
associate a duty with it...

A duty of loyalty,
honesty, care... Care.

Then what have we got really?

Is it too much of a burden to ask
that friends be honest with each other?

Nobody here... nobody... is
suggesting we devalue friendship.

I would agree with
opposing counsel...

there are very few things
in life to cherish more.

He likened it to
marriage. I would agree.

It can have the same
intensity of emotion.

It can be just as
complex sometimes.

It can be predicated on deep childhood
bonds or in this town, simply the Red Sox.

And like marriage, a friendship
can be very difficult to quantify.

And like marriage, the courts have
no business trying to assess blame...

when one falls apart.

Now, clearly, Peter and Susan
Hanks feel a great deal of contrition...

for causing Mr. Bender pain.

And everybody here knows, including
Mr. Bender, that was not their intent.

[Beeping]

[Thumping]

[Panting, Grunts]

Well, there is absolutely
no evidence whatsoever...

that Ms. McBeal knew she
was communicating with a minor.

The charges are dismissed.

[Ally Sighs]

But before we adjourn,

let me assume the role of an
older but wiser Mrs. Solomon.

I imagine you'd like that.

Now, I don't think Ms.
McBeal is a predator.

But there are plenty out there.

And meeting up in person with someone you
only know through e-mail, that's insane.

You're lucky this
is all that happened.

[Gavel Raps] Now
we're adjourned.

[Sighs]

[Sighs] Well, I hope
you learned your lesson.

You were the one pushing
me to meet him, Renee.

Ally? Sorry.

I-I didn't mean for... I-I know.

I turn 17 next week. Chris.

What you need to do is go out
and find yourself a nice 17-year-old.

And if she has a friend...

Bye, Chris.

[Sighs] Loverlips.

One kiss?

Well... [Renee,
John] On the cheek.

How was that?

Totally awesome. [Laughs]

What?

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

What happened?
She's a free woman.

Nelle. Just the
person I wanna see.

Oh, if it's naked,
you're out of luck.

I'd sooner puke my intestines and
snorkel in them than see you naked.

This is getting worse. I
talked to Mr. Penal Eskevettes.

You didn't just have the
one meeting when I was

stuck in the elevator
with unmatching socks.

You've been calling him.

You told him it was in his best
interest to let you handle his work.

Oh, right. I did do that. Why?

Because it's the truth, you
little mayor of Munchkinland.

Penal Eskevettes is
kind of a weird name.

He doesn't need to walk
into court with a weird lawyer.

You little imp.

She called me the
mayor of Munchkinland.

And, uh, little imp.

Mr. Foreman, has the jury...

Oh, just read it.

"Bender versus Hanks...

"on the count of negligent
infliction of emotional distress,

"we the jury find in
favor of the plaintiff,

and we order the defendant to pay
damages in the amount of $10,000."

[Judge] Ladies and gentlemen of
the jury, thank you for your service.

We're dismissed. [Gavel Raps]

[Murmuring, Chattering] 10,000?

That's the price tag
they put on friendship.

Maybe it's the price
tag they put on love.

Oh, Jimmy, I'm sorry. I
wish I could have done better.

You did great, Mark.

Well, I'm not sure who won, but
I'm glad to see you're still at large.

Thank you.

Listen. If you're still interested in
that coffee... Um, I realize I'm a bit old.

Funny.

I haven't scared you away
with my near criminal behavior?

Well, I'm daunted, but
I'm addicted to caffeine.

Well, why don't I
buy you a drink?

Sounds great.

♪ You had better ♪

♪ Hold on ♪

♪ Hold on to what ♪

♪ You've got ♪

♪ You have better ♪

♪ Hold on ♪

♪ Hold on to what ♪

♪ You've got ♪

That Pope Paul thing?
Do they really do that?

No.

And the gophering? Made it up.

I can see you're hurt, but, John,
we all have to work together.

You don't think
Nelle hurts a little too?

No. She's a rich bitch
cold-hearted ice queen,

elitist snob vicious
witch on a good day.

And a tightwad cheap-ass
too, 'cause I paid for everything.

Well, I can see
you're softening.

So, what happens
after the drink?

We go back and hop
onto our computers?

Funny. Again.

Maybe we should dance
before you fall behind.

Uh, I'm not much of a dancer.
Oh, well, that's okay because I am.

Come on.

Come on, Biscuit.

It's been too long.

Indeed. [Mouths Word]

♪ Hold on ♪

♪ Hold on to what ♪

- ♪ You've got ♪
- I think we have
something here.

It's about time. Come on.

♪ You had better ♪

♪ Hold on ♪

♪ Hold on to what ♪

♪ You've got ♪

♪ 'Cause if ♪

♪ You think ♪

♪ That nobody wants it ♪

♪ Just throw it away ♪

♪ And you will see ♪

♪ Someone will have it ♪

♪ Before you can count ♪

♪ One, two, three ♪

♪ Yes, she will ♪

♪ Yes, she will ♪♪

[Woman] You stinker!