Ally McBeal (1997–2002): Season 3, Episode 16 - Boy Next Door - full transcript

Previously on Ally McBeal.

Nelle is a rich
bitch elitist snob.

Look what I put up with.

I date a man who
has remotes for toilets,

my shoes,

who can't make love to me
unless he pretends he's Barry White,

and you now accuse
me of not being tolerant?

Any headaches? Not really.

Any erratic behavior?

Nothing I can identify.

You are headed for a
breakdown. You do know that?



I'd like to run a few tests.

Hey. What are you doin'
here? Oh, I don't know.

I was walkin' by.

I have a brain tumor.

A brain tumor? Yeah.

In your head? No.
It's in my ass, Ally.

I have a brain tumor in my ass.

Are they...

Are they gonna take it out?

I'm going in for more tests,
and then they tell me what, uh...

Listen, um, everybody
seems to know, but, uh,

I wanted to tell
you personally...

since, uh, you know, you
probably helped bring it on.

Kidding. Are you
gonna die, Billy?



Well, uh...

No. I'm not gonna die.

They think it's benign,
but it's just, you know...

A brain tumor.

Yeah.

♪ I've been down this road ♪

♪ Walkin' the line
that's painted by pride ♪

♪ And I have made
mistakes in my life ♪

♪ That I just can't hide ♪

♪ Oh, I believe I am ready ♪

♪ For what love has
to bring Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ I got myself together ♪

♪ Now I'm ready to sing ♪

♪ I've been searching
my soul tonight ♪

♪ I know there's so
much more to life ♪

♪ Now I know I
can shine a light ♪

♪ To find my way back home ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Baby, yeah ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪♪

Did you hear Billy
has a brain tumor?

Yes, Elaine. Try not to
enjoy it. I'm not enjoying it.

Well, if... Just shh!

Ally. Great. Uh, any...
anybody seen the Biscuit?

- Well, he should be here.
- Well, let's get started.

First up, uh, Billy's brain
tumor. I've spoken to Billy.

What he'd really like is
to not make it a big deal.

There's no reason to walk around
morose. It doesn't do anybody any good.

What he needs most right
now is just simple support.

The thing about Billy, uh... Listen to me,
talkin' about him like he's already dead.

Bygones. He's right
here. Tell us, Billy.

How would you like us to...
to handle this? Like it's real?

Like it's not real?
Psychosomatic?

It happened to a friend of mine
once. Thought he had a brain tumor.

Turns out it was all in
his... his head. Uh, bygones.

Richard? Yeah?

Calm down. Yeah.

It could be nothing. I'm
going in for more tests.

And when I know... more...

[Purrs]

Excuse me.

I hope he's not gonna milk this.

Yeah, uh, uh, next up,
uh, Prune versus Prune.

Uh, annulment
proceeding. We start today.

Isn't Billy first
chair on that? Yes.

Well, do you think that's wise,
Ally, with the-the tumor thingy?

I... I'll... I'll talk to him.

[Clears Throat] We have
a problem with the Biscuit.

[Gasps] Oh, my God!

John? John,
are-are you all right?

No, I'm not all right.
I'm stuck in an elevator.

I called the fire department.
They're on their way.

We're gonna get ya out, John. Does
this mean I have to take the stairs?

Uh, J-John. John?
Help is on the way.

Just try to relax.
Yes, I'll relax.

Perhaps you can
bring me a spritzer.

Look, his little socks
don't match. Isn't that cute?

Okay. I think that's about it.

Oh, Mrs. Prune said she'd
meet you at the courthouse.

Okay.

Anything else that
can be done, I can do.

Well, you could take a hike.

Sandy, I don't know who
your Mr. Right may be,

but the odds of him being an older man
coming off a divorce, with a brain tumor?

I'm not gonna run away just
because... I'm pushing you away.

Hey, I might come
out of this fine,

but, look, if I suddenly
go into surgery tomorrow,

and as they're pulling me
down the hospital corridor,

I don't see your hand...

as the one I want to be holding.

I get it.

You're not just tryin'
to spare me pain?

Billy? What?

Uh, no.

I'm only thinking of myself.

Yeah.

Hi. Hi.

Listen, Billy, uh, this is a
pretty simple procedure.

Uh... Proceeding.

You should let me do it. No. Nobody's
gonna be doin' that around here.

Nobody's gonna be treating me like
a damn patient. You can forget that.

But you say you hallucinate.
Well, so do you. You see Al Green.

You have your fantasies. But
I know when I'm having them.

Well, I'm beginnin'
to figure that out too.

Billy... Ally, if I
screw up, take me off.

But work is the best
thing for me. I can do this.

Okay.

Can you believe this?

You hear about it happenin'
to other people, but...

What did the doctor say?

I'm meeting with the
specialist at lunchtime,

but they truly believe
it to be benign.

Do you want me to go with you?

Georgia's going. Thanks.

- Love you.
- Love you too.

Actually, uh...

I'd love for you
to come with me,

if you don't mind.

Sure.

We'd never been... intimate
prior to our wedding night.

I don't believe in premarital
sex, and neither does Angela.

That's one of the
things we bonded over.

Well, tell us what else you
bonded over, Mr. Prune. Values.

I'll-I'll say it again. Values.

For ourselves, for
our-our children.

We-We'd talk about how
hard it is to compete...

in this materialistic,
artificial,

superficial world, and, well...

You met in church,
right? Uh, yes.

Yes, we're both
avid churchgoers.

Tell us about your
wedding night, Mr. Prune.

Well, uh, it was wonderful.

We had a bottle of champagne,
and there was a candle by the bed.

She came out of the bathroom
wearing a provocative, sheer robe.

She let it fall to the floor.

She was a goddess.

Then she climbed into
bed, and I... I went to her.

And?

I nuzzled into her breasts, which I'd
been longing to do for over two years...

The entire period
of our courtship.

And... And as I pressed
my head into them,

that's when I discovered it.

Discovered what?

They were fake.

They felt like petrified
whoopee cushions.

- Two big rocks with nipples.
- [Attorney] Implants?

Yes. What kind of a
Lutheran would do that?

Did you ask her about them?

We started talking about it, and then
she revealed she'd had her nose done...

and that she had cheek
implants and her tummy...

What, sir? Her tummy what?

Tucked.

But, Mr. Prune, after this
discovery, you did stay married to her.

Yes. I... Well, I
tried to make it work.

But she pretended to
be something she wasn't.

I married the thing she wasn't.

Why not just get a
divorce? Why an annulment?

Because it was never real.

Plus, a divorce...
I'd have baggage.

So, you married her
for her physical traits?

I knew you'd say that. No.

But a person who lies
about her physicality,

a person who has such an
insecurity that she'd try to alter herself,

a person who's not content to
live in the body God gave her?

That speaks to what she is
inside. That speaks to vanity.

So you'll marry her for better or
worse, so long as she's not vain?

It's a little beyond
vanity, counsel.

And I can see you've had a little
work done yourself, so I wouldn't...

I-I-I-I-I... I have
not had work done!

Now... And I move
to strike that, Judge.

All right. Just let's move on.

No, no. I have
not had work done.

I-I-I... I want that
on the record.

I cannot believe he said that.

- Now, do I look like
I've had work done?
- Ally.

Oh! I am so sure.

Hello. This is Dr. Peters. I
brought her in on consult.

Plus, my English.

- Hello.
- Hi.

Billy, mass density
indicates benign,

which is very good.

But, uh, there is a problem.

It's in the left
posterior temporal lobe.

Uh, very near the
speech area of the brain.

- Which means?
- It's a very, very difficult
area to operate on.

I prefer not operate. If not
grow, I would just try to shrink.

We'd like to bring you in for M.R.I.'s
over the next month and monitor it,

see how fast it's growing.

Oh. Okay.

And also, while I have you, I'd
like to give you a little oral sex.

Are you okay?

I don't want to hear about all the
problems. Just get me out, damn it!

They have to make sure the
cables are loosened or something.

They don't want the thing
surging up, John. It'll cut you in half.

They've secured it up here.
They're working in the basement now.

Just get me out. I have a meeting at
2:00. Is that thing gonna be working?

- Ling, could we show
some compassion here?
- [John] Damn it.

From me? Is he okay?

No, he's a little sur... a
little surly. Other than-than...

John, hi. Nice of you to drop
by, Nelle, and show your concern.

Yes, well, anyway, I know
this isn't the best of timing,

but I don't think it's
working out for us.

I think we should start
seeing other people.

John? [Whistling]

His nose whistled. John?

- You're breaking up with me?
- Yes.

Don't you think we
should discuss this?

Well, there's nothing to discuss,
really. I've made up my mind.

There's no reason for me to
leave you dangling. Pardon the pun.

[Muttering]

John, sweetie,
I still adore you.

But it's just not
right in the long run.

We'll talk more when
you get out. Thanks.

I never misrepresented who I am.

Cosmetic work does
not change the person.

What about the argument
that he fell in love

with you physically
as well as emotionally,

and physically,
you were artificial?

Everybody tries to make
themselves look better or younger.

So I had a laser peel
instead of using moisturizer.

So I had implants instead
of wearing a Wonder Bra.

I mean, I could argue I never
knew he was such an imbecile.

But in marriage, you take
people for what they are.

You don't sue them
for what they're not.

And trust me, after making
love to you, I had a claim myself.

Talk about fraud.

Teeny.

But it wasn't just physical,
was it, Mrs. Prune?

What about all the herbal mood
enhancers? What about them?

Saint John's Wort? Nerve pain.

Mahwang. Burns fat.

- Ginseng.
- Boosts immunity.

- Ginkgo biloba.
- Memory.

Melatonin? I'm
cranky without sleep.

Physically, you're not what
you held yourself out to be.

Mentally, you're different
without the chemicals.

- I mean, who is
the real Angela Prune?
- Objection! Badgering.

It's about time you
sprang into action, big boy.

I'm of an absolute mind
to fire you, I'll tell you that.

Really? Yes. Really.

Well, you'd be out of
your absolute mind, legally.

Associate dates senior partner.
Associate breaks up with senior partner.

Associate gets fired. How many
zeros go with that one? Nelle!

I don't mean to be cruel, Richard,
and perhaps I should have waited, but...

[Whirring]

He's got his clicker.

Look, there's truth
to what Ling said.

The best time to break up with a man is
when he's distracted by some other crisis.

I saw an opportunity here. Well,
still, you owe him better than this.

He doesn't even like me.
He likes my hair, maybe.

He likes how it makes
him feel being seen with me.

But he-he doesn't
like me. He finds it

repugnant that I would
never date a janitor.

It bothers him that I can't remember
what's-her-name's name, Billy's secretary.

He thinks I'm an arrogant,
elitist, rich bitch snob.

And... And I think he's weird!

I mean, those funny-looking
people he represented?

The one in the dress and the guy
that clapped his hands over and over?

He identifies with
those people! I don't!

He invited them over for dinner.
Yuck! As if I'd be able to eat!

It's one thing after
another with him, Richard!

I-I've tried to be
tolerant, but it's just...

It's one damn
thing after another!

I think you should
discuss this with him.

I can't, because today...

he managed to get himself
wedged into an elevator.

They're almost done
in the basement.

They should have him out
in about an hour. Uh, great.

Uh, Bill... Billy?

How's the... How's the case?

The case is going
fine, thank you.

We close this afternoon.
It should be over before...

- Where'd everybody go?
- We're... We're right here.

Oh. Hi. Hi.

Uh, we close... We could have
a verdict as early as tomorrow.

And you're...
you're feeling... Fine.

I'm a little tired of everybody
asking. Oh, sure. Yeah. Billy?

Uh, listen, uh... Uh,
I'm not good at, uh,

this, uh...

You know, when things aren't
good, I-I go right into the...

Uh, the surf mode,
you know, uh... uh...

You want to grab the remote and
fast-forward to a happy ending?

Yeah, I... Yeah. [Man: Low
Voice] ♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh-whee ♪

What was that? What?

Oh, I heard, uh... ♪
Whoo-ooh-ooh, yeah ♪

You hear that?
What? Uh, no. What?

I, uh... I think I'm gonna
go work on my closing.

Oh. All right. Okay.

♪♪ [Disco]

♪ Whoo-ooh-ooh-yeah ♪

♪ I'm just a love machine ♪

♪ And I won't work
for nobody but you ♪

♪ Yeah, baby ♪

♪ I'm just a love machine ♪

♪ A hug and kissing fiend ♪

Do you see anything
there? No. No, do you?

♪ Whoo-ooh-ooh, yeah ♪

♪ I'm just a love machine ♪♪

Billy, what? [Exhales]

Uh...

I... I think I need
to call my doctor.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm right here, John.
I'll go with you to the hospital.

I'm fine. I don't wanna
go to the hospital. Easy.

Does this mean it's working
again? In about an hour.

Is he hurt? He's fine. They
just need to check him out.

You said in an hour. Ling, what is
so damn important about the elevator?

Hey, some of us
have lives, Elaine.

I'll either have to take
the stairs or miss a facial.

Well, gee, and here I am
worrying about Billy's brain tumor.

They were dancing?

Yes. Singing "Love Machine"?

Yes. Oh, I love that song.

♪ I'm just a love machine ♪

The hallucinations seem to
be coming more frequently.

Uh-huh.

Well...

Could I speak with
Billy alone, please?

Oh. Okay.

Thank you.

[Door Closes]

So, they appear naked?

Uh-huh. Want to
make love to you?

Big-breasted women? Doctor.

Okay. Sorry.

Billy, uh, I think we might
have to take it out. Really?

The fact that the
hallucinations coming more...

suggests that it is growing
at a more rapid pace.

Even if it is benign, I
think we should remove.

When? Oh, we could
do this weekend.

Wow.

Are you okay? Yeah.

It's the idea of
surgery... It's...

And on my brain. Oh, I know.

I guess, uh...

- I guess if you think
we should do it.
- I do.

♪ Sometimes in our life ♪

♪ We all have pain ♪

Check in on Friday. We do
the procedure Saturday morning.

You'll be home
Tuesday. Oh, well.

♪ Lean on me ♪

♪ If you're not strong ♪

- What?
- ♪ I'll be your friend ♪

Billy? You okay?

Yeah. Uh... Well, the sooner
we get this done, the better.

Why don't you try to go
home and relax a little.

Yeah. I have this
case I need to close.

♪ Please, swallow your pride ♪♪

Then I'll go home.

Thank you, Doctor.

[Woman On P.A.]
Dr. Hamilton, Oncology.

Dr. Hamilton.

- How you doing?
- Oh, some lower back pain.

They need to keep you
in traction? For a few days.

There's swelling around some of the
vertebrae. It's precautionary. I'm fine.

You could have done
it face-to-face, Nelle.

Instead, you ended
it to my buttocks.

Yeah.

I've never been good
about breaking up with men.

And then when I saw you
trapped like that in the elevator,

I think that on some
unconscious level,

I just seized the
chance to, uh...

Also, whenever I do something...

where I might be unlikable, I...

I don't know. I embrace
being a total bitch.

There's more power in it.

[Quiet Muttering]

I do adore you. I'm gonna
get some rest now, Nelle.

This was coming, John.

Either you were gonna leave
me, or I was gonna leave you.

- But we both knew
it was coming.
- Yep. Onward and upward then.

Yeah. Yeah.

I hope you feel better.

[Attorney] A marriage
is a union, a contract.

This one was the
result of a fraud.

She wasn't who she
held herself out to be.

My client is a religious man.

He considers the
body God's work.

It's supposed to be a temple.

She completely rebuilt her temple,
Your Honor, and-and it does go to values.

I'm-I'm sorry, but it does
go to raising children.

How do you tell your
daughter, "Love yourself

for who you are, but
Mom's been reconstructed"?

This kind of cosmetic overhaul,

it does say something
about a person.

And it's not the person Simon
Prune thought he was marrying.

Nobody turns out to be exactly
what you thought you were marrying,

and people continue
to evolve after marriage.

The point is, you take your
partner for better or worse,

for what you know or
what you don't know.

It's the sanctity of this institution.
It's supposed to be a sanctity.

Now we have people trotting in for
annulments with the snap of a finger.

A Catholic can't
remarry after a divorce.

Boom! Get an annulment.

Fall out of love with your
wife 'cause she has implants?

Boom. Get an annulment.

What happened to the
sanctity, Your Honor?

A month ago, I turn
on the television.

There was this show, Who
Wants to Marry a Multimillionaire?

Two people who never met
got married during the broadcast.

Excuse me.

Did that really happen, or did I
hallucinate it? That really happened.

Where the hell is the sanctity?

People get married for
green cards or tax purposes.

It's supposed to mean something.

It's supposed to be
about a love so strong...

that it can survive the discovery
of cheek implants or a laser peel.

It's supposed...

You see that woman?

I've been married
to her for 12 years.

And every day when
I go home to her...

and our kids,

it's everything.

It's so everything.

Mr. Thomas, you seem to
be getting a little off track.

What I'm trying
to say... In the end,

love is the only
thing that counts.

I've loved her since
I was eight years old.

We've never been apart.

Not a single day.

And I will love
her for all my days.

And it's all that counts.

It's all that will ever count.

All of my heart...

forever.

I, uh, need to rest.

- Mr. Thomas?
- Billy?

- Is he okay?
- Billy?

Hey. Hey, Billy?

Billy, God!

Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh,
God! He's not breathing!

- Get the paramedic!
- I'll call him!

Billy? Billy, okay. Oh, God!

Come on, Billy! Hey!

[Woman] Is anyone here a doctor?

Come on, Billy. Billy!

What is it... Oh, God! Oh, God.

Oh, God! Billy, breathe!

You gotta! Billy,
you gotta breathe!

Oh, God. Please
breathe. Oh, my God.

[Sobbing] Oh.

[Vonda] ♪ Here's a photo
I've been looking for ♪

♪ It's a picture of
the boy next door ♪

♪ And I loved him more
than words could say ♪

♪ Never knew it till
he moved away ♪

♪ Faded pictures ♪

♪ In my scrapbook ♪

♪ Just thought I'd take ♪

♪ One more look ♪

♪ And recall when we were all ♪

♪ In the neighborhood ♪♪

Could I, uh...

Could I have your
attention, please?

About 40 minutes ago, um,

Billy Thomas passed away.

Uh, he... he went
quiet... quietly and...

And peacefully.

Hey. John. Richard.

- Well, they said
I could get out on Friday.
- Wow, that's great.

Uh...

I've got some bad news.

Uh...

Billy...

Billy, while in court today,
suffered a cerebral hemorrhage,

and he died.

It was, uh, likely
connected to the tumor.

It's one of those things they
say, you know... I don't know.

[Chuckles]

God, I wish there was
something I could say.

[Sobs]

Georgia's with his parents.

They're gonna have a
quiet service tomorrow.

Richard's making
the arrangements.

Okay.

Good.

You okay?

Oh.

You know.

Yeah.

I'm here.

I know. Thanks.

[Door Opens, Closes]

It's gone now.

The tumor's gone.

And so are you.

No.

You left me again.

Have you met God?

You, uh...

You have to sign some confidentiality
agreements when you get up there.

Well, when you see him, will
you tell him how much I hate him?

That wouldn't be true.

Yes, it would.

Are you gonna
haunt me now, Billy?

Well, you did it
when you were alive.

You might as well do
it when you're dead.

We had somethin', didn't we?

We may have
screwed it up, but...

Have you, uh, ever
known any two people...

to have what we had?

No.

I'm glad your hair
is back to normal.

All of my heart.

Forever.

Oh! [Sobs]

Oh, please come back! I can't.

[Crying] I hate
this! Shh, shh, shh.

It's stronger than death.

[Crying Continues]

♪♪ [Vonda Vocalizing]

♪♪ [Vocalizing Continues]

♪ See the pyramids ♪

♪ Along the Nile ♪

♪ Watch the sunrise ♪

♪ On a tropic isle ♪

♪ Just remember, darling ♪

♪ All the while ♪

♪ You belong to me ♪♪

- Ally?
- Oh.

- Hey.
- Hey.

H-How are you doin'?

Still numb.

Mm.

- You heard about
the service?
- Yeah.

I think, uh...

I think that we should do
whatever we can to keep it...

Peppy? [Chuckles]

If... If we could
get people to laugh,

to celebrate his life...

I know it's cliché.
Oh, he loved cliché.

Um...

He did go peacefully?

Totally.

He, uh... He just
said, "I'm tired."

And he sat down,
and I ran up, and...

he said,

"Tell Georgia I love her."

He did? Yeah.

And then he just closed his
eyes, and... and he was gone.

Oh, no. No, we can't
do this. We have to...

Ah.

We have to be upbeat. Remember?
We have to plan a fun funeral.

Right. He would
want people to smile.

Yeah, let's...
Let's give him that.

Right.

I was walkin' down the
street about a year ago.

I came across a man who was shouting
up at the sky, "You're a terrible God!

"I hate you, I hate you!

You're an evil, awful God!"

And I said, "Sir?"

And he turned to me and he
said, "Hey, at least I believe in him."

Some days it's... it's all we
can do just to believe in him.

One of those days.

We're here today to celebrate and
remember the life of Billy Allen Thomas...

for it's in our memories that
Billy will live on in this world.

[Vonda] ♪ I'll be so lonesome ♪

♪ Without you ♪
It's not that long ago...

that Billy stood right
here on this pulpit.

♪ Maybe you'll ♪
What Billy said that day...

♪ Be lonesome too ♪
[Pastor Continues]

Rejoice in the good times...

♪ And blue ♪♪ rather than dwelling
on those moments that will never be.

Right now we will...

We'll have a word from
one of Billy's closest friends,

Ally McBeal.

Ms. McBeal?

Ally? Huh?

You're up.

Oh.

Oh. [Clears Throat]

[Gasps]

I've heard it said...

that as you're about to
pass into the next world...

that the final truth of
this world... hits you.

And the last thing
Billy spoke about...

right before he sat
down in the courthouse...

was love,

how it was all that mattered.

He, uh...

He seemed so lost in
these last few months.

But looking at him in the
courthouse right before he died, he...

He suddenly seemed so... found.

And he, um, said to
me recently... He said,

"It's stronger than death."

And I wasn't sure what he meant.

And now I am.

When we were little, we...

We would talk about this day.

Well, actually, we
would sing about it.

He would... sing this song.

And when I die...

[Woman] ♪ And when I die ♪

and when I'm gone...

♪ And when I'm
dead dead and gone ♪

there'll be one child born...

♪ There'll be one child born ♪

in a world... ♪ In a world ♪

to carry on.

♪ To carry ♪

♪ To carry on ♪

That child?

That... That child
has big shoes to fill.

Billy Thomas,

with all of my heart,

forever.

Oh, and, uh,

as for heaven?

♪ There's a new man in town ♪

♪ And he's not foolin' round ♪

♪ There's a new man in town ♪

♪ And he's not foolin' round ♪

♪ Fooling around ♪

♪ People, listen up ♪

♪ There is something
that you ought to know ♪

♪ There's a man
coming your way ♪

♪ And he's trying
to free your soul ♪

♪ There's a new man in town ♪

♪ And he's not puttin' down ♪

♪ Oh, this mighty, mighty
man is reaching out to you ♪

♪ He's filling the world
with lovin' and truth ♪

♪ He's touching your body,
hah healing your soul ♪

♪ Giving your
mind full control ♪

♪ Here comes the devil ♪

♪ He's right behind you ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Don't wanna go the devil ♪

♪ Don't wanna go the demon ♪

♪ Don't wanna go to Satan ♪

♪ Don't wanna die uneasy ♪

♪ Just let me go naturally ♪

♪ And when I die ♪

♪ When I'm dead dead and gone ♪

♪ There'll be one child born ♪

♪ In the world ♪

♪ To carry on ♪♪

[Vonda] ♪ Sometimes I wonder ♪

♪ If I'm ever gonna
make it home again ♪

♪ It's so far and out of sight ♪

♪ I really need someone ♪

♪ To talk to ♪

♪ And nobody else ♪

♪ Knows how to comfort me ♪

♪ Tonight ♪

♪ Snow is cold ♪

♪ Rain is wet ♪

♪ Chills my soul ♪

♪ Right to the marrow ♪

♪ I won't be happy ♪

♪ Till I see you alone again ♪

♪ Till I'm home again ♪

♪ And feeling right ♪

♪ I wanna be home again ♪

♪ And feeling right ♪♪

[Woman] You stinker!