Ally McBeal (1997–2002): Season 2, Episode 3 - Fools Night Out - full transcript

Reverend Mark Newman comes to Richard for his help when church choir singer Lisa Knowles is singing about their break-up. Ally is brought in to mediate because she can speak the language of loneliness, but it hits too close to home for her and she comes to a revelation about why Billy left her. Ling is back again and this time she's making Georgia and Billy sue a nurse for having natural breasts!

Hello.

Ling. You're back?

- I'm here to see Nelle.
- Certainly.

Who would we be suing today?

Ling.

This woman drips with sarcasm
at my personal expense.

The disadvantage of magnetism
is that you bring people out.

People who would otherwise go
unnoticed. It's a tribute to you.

Let's go to my office to talk.

I' m sorry. She's just--

Yes. And thank you for defending me
so staunchly, Nelle.



Elaine.

- Hi, Georgia.
- What's the matter?

Nothing. It's just that
bitchy little thing is back.

Who's she suing now?

Maybe her gynecologist
pulled the wrong tooth.

Elaine.

That was vicious.

Fools Night Out

- You' re kidding!
- It's a cosmetic surgery case.

- Why not sue the doctor?
- Nurse has more money.

- This is ridiculous.
- T esting.

You should be happy...

- ...to get my business. I'm a plum.
- Suing because her breasts are real?

When you say it like that,
it sounds silly.



- No--
- Georgia?

Whenever we get some insane claim,
you make me take it.

Two depositions, tops.
Then it will go away.

Your church minister is here.

- Are you available?
- Mark?

- Sorry to barge in.
- That's okay.

Just do the deposition,
then we'll settle.

I'd promise satisfaction...

...if you were capable
of happiness. Go do a nail now.

- It's because of her.
- Ling?

Nelle. Ling gets priority
because she's Nelle's client--

- That's not fair.
- Suing a nurse...

...for having real breasts.

- lf anything, it's Richard.
- Nelle.

What has she done to deserve
this reaction?

- What has she done?
- Yes! What has she done?

She showed up. That's what.

I have a little "Mirror, mirror
on the wall" complex.

"Mirror, mirror on the wall"?

I know it sounds stupid...

...but all my life I've been
the fairest one of all.

- Don't laugh!
- I'm not.

And her--

Maybe I'm not the best lawyer...

...but I've always felt like
the fairest one here.

I'm not proud of saying that, but--

And then she arrived and--

Hey, guys.

- You had your legs up.
- I didn't.

Yes, you did. I checked.

Well, maybe they just flew up.

Your "mirror" dropped me from
second to third, my legs reacted.

Actually, I knew you were there.

Did you? You could tell
by my asparagus diet?

- All right.
- Quiet.

" Fairest one of all "?

- I wasn't including you.
- Oh, really?

Why is that?

You're in your own universe.
I refer to the one we all live in.

All right.

Okay.

T ell me what I've missed.

I'm in a situation I can't handle.

What kind of situation?

I've been in a relationship--

She's married?

- Guy?
- No!

- Sheep?
- Can I talk?

Go ahead.

She's the music supervisor
of our choir. The one you...

...prevailed upon to sing
that "Short People" song.

Lisa, yeah.

- How was she?
- Richard, please.

Obviously, we weren't married.

The minister and somebody
from the church--

Doesn't exactly
make me an altar boy.

If you were an altar boy,
you'd be with a priest.

What's the big deal?
Consenting adults, even unmarried--

I would appreciate your
letting me get through this.

Of course.

I ended the relationship
two months ago.

Since then, the songs she sings
for our services, I feel they' re...

...directed at me.

What songs?

First they were obscure hymns
about lost love and broken hearts.

Lately, she's been doing pop.

- And the congregation?
- I don't think they know.

She's a great performer.
She's probably better than my sermons.

What's the problem?

This is a church. I'm afraid
to fire her or even demote her.

It may seem retaliatory.

And yet I can't let her
keep singing those songs.

- She's hard to shop for.
- Your sister?

She has everything.
But I knew she wanted nicer breasts.

She thought hers were small.

So you decided--

T o get her implants.
I went to Dr. Noffle.

We discussed the importance
of them feeling natural.

Scars make my sister vasovagal.

He says, " Let me show you some
of my work. " She comes in.

She unveils. She's full, soft,
without a hint of a blemish.

I almost signed up
and my breasts are perfect.

Shouldn't you be typing?

And you're claiming that you
paid for your sister's operation--

Based on her full, soft implants.

My sister got little, petrified lumps.

She jumps, they don't move.

The scars? My uncle slit his wrists
with more finesse.

But she doesn't have implants.

Hers are real, the total fraud.

Now why haven't you...

...sued the plastic surgeon?

He's an empty pocket.
She's collectable.

Type!

All right, then.

God so loved the world
that he gave his only son--

- Why did you bring me?
- We're in a church.

- Why am I here?
- Because I dragged you.

Don't shush me.

Let us pray.

Lord, help us find the strength
to turn away from evil.

T o confront it when it threatens.
T o see it, wherever it shall live.

- Praise the Lord. Amen.
- Amen!

We've all heard the saying
that all it takes...

...for evil to succeed
is for good men to do nothing.

This could get windy.

But before that, we have a hymn.

Say the word. Come on.

Sing, honey.

Go ahead.

Not exactly a hymn.

It's an anthem.

I like it.

She's singing to you.

- And you.
- You got that.

Feels religious to me.

T ough to fire her.
The people enjoyed it.

This is not right.

You slept with her.
It's sexual harassment.

- I haven't done anything.
- You're a man. You're liable.

Our relationship ended.

That song wasn't overtly
directed at you.

So I let her keep doing this?

You need to mediate.

We need someone who speaks
the language of loneliness.

Why me?

- You can tap into her despair.
- Why?

Knowing no matter how long
you live, you'll always be alone.

And yet, charging forth.
Never under the assumption...

...it'll get better. You're the hero
she might listen to.

Thanks. I live to help others cope.

I never said my breasts
were artificial.

Ms. Silverman, you knew he was
using you as an example.

- I didn't at first.
- You didn't?

I was told that the patients wanted
breasts similar to mine--

Dr. Noffle wasn't completely
honest with me.

You didn't know?

Eventually, it became apparent that
he was saying he'd worked on me.

Did that happen this time?

It would be a lie to say
I didn't suspect.

- Should I lie?
- Probably not.

I knew he had done this
with other patients.

I'm not shocked to learn
he did so here.

We actually have a case.

- Come on.
- Misrepresentation--

My client isn't the merchant.

She was part of the fraud.

Your client's sister got breasts
that resemble Ms. Silverman's.

- You've seen them?
- Pictures.

Pictures don't tell you
how they feel or move.

I might be out of line,
but is it possible...

...that Ms. Woo could err
to the litigious side?

Why don't we just take a look?

Then we can give our client
informed advice.

That's a good idea.

Excuse me?

- This afternoon?
- Right here.

- At 3:00?
- See you then.

What?

"Let's look"?

It was his idea.

Didn't you put up
a fight? "Great, 3:00. "

- Georgia--
- You are bringing in the two women--

- It's evidence.
- Evidence?

Let's do a taste test
while we're at it.

Is this about Nelle too?

It's not about Nelle. Although
I'm sure her breasts are perfect.

Of course, you'd be standing there.
That's the way things work here.

Go pick a stall and hoist your legs.
You'll learn all about us.

Case going well?

John.

Oh, Nelle.

How is your day going?

How's my day going?

Can I ask you something?

Your questions make me fraught.

Are we ever going to go out?

I don't mean downstairs
to the dance floor. I mean, out.

Cuomo.

We work together.
It's probably a bad idea.

You're a partner. I'd have that
inequality thing to hurdle.

But if you're drawn to me,
I do think you're cute.

I don't mean to pressure you.

- Your timing is perfect.
- Why?

Sunday services.

My sermon is on God's planet,
all nations being one.

World peace through his love.

She's singing about a nuclear bomb.

Well, she's not saying drop it on you.

This is a kind, loving woman.

- Ever since we broke up--
- The congregation likes it.

- I can't let her do this.
- I think you're overreacting.

Maybe not.

I won't subject my sister
to objectification.

- Don't call me Ling.
- It's your name.

Not with a hard "L" and a hard "G. "
It's a soft name. Ling.

You say it "Ling," it offends me.

Ling.

Buying your sister breast implants
exposed her to objectification.

Bringing suit under the
Uniform Commercial Code tends to--

I' m deaf to condescension.
I could hear a pin drop.

Richard, I know she's a plum--

You don't understand.

Beautifully proportioned.
The shapely can be...

...so blind to the less fortunate.

I wanted my sister to maybe
feel like you.

T o walk down the street just once,
feeling ample.

Maybe God didn't give you a heart
under your perfect breasts.

- ls he suing me?
- Not at all.

- He's concerned by your music.
- People say they love it.

So you have shifted your tone
since you broke up?

It's my only way to
deal with the pain.

I express myself through music.
I don't think people notice.

- He does.
- Well, he should.

Do you know what he did?

- Relationships end for many reasons.
- Do you know what he did?

No.

He changed his heart.

- Excuse me?
- That's the full explanation.

We talked of marriage.
We were in love.

Then suddenly, he says,
"I've had a change of heart. "

Doesn't wanna see me anymore.

You don't just leave an accident.

You mow somebody down, you stop
and check on the victim.

I sing these songs to help me,
not to hurt him.

If he doesn't like listening,
he can just leave the room.

Don't tell me he can't do that.

He knows how to leave a room,
trust me.

- She's still gonna sing?
- lt works out her pain.

- This is a house of God.
- You're the only one that's bothered.

Why haven't you discussed
the breakup?

- I did. I told her--
- "Change of heart. " Did you love her?

At one point.

Why did you stop loving her?

I don't know. I just did.

You just did.

- Did you ask yourself why?
- Listen--

Maybe it was outside forces
or you have commitment problems.

Lord knows you must take
"Till death do us part" seriously.

- What--?
- Did you seek counseling?

Did you do anything to explore what
caused you to stop loving her?

Or just go, " Change of heart. Bye"?

Whose side are you on?

Maybe hers.

Where was the warning, Mark?

How about, " l' m feeling different"?

How about, " l' m not so sure"?

Why is it great with men
right up until they run?

Well, I choose the law too.

But I choose Boston.

It had nothing to do
with going to Michigan.

- Mark's very upset.
- Gee, that troubles me.

- You were sent to mediate.
- I got both sides to understand.

- But she's still gonna sing!
- I have a plan. Now get lost!

I'm sorry.

I do have a plan.

I'm sorry.

- Next time, just get me a book.
- lt won't take long.

They're really nice. All of them.

What are you? Nearsighted?

I'm just looking for the scar.

And the fact that you can't see one
is evidence that--

- Really nice.
- Hers aren't an issue.

The comparison is certainly
an issue.

And come on, these are very good work.

They look the same,
but they don't feel the same.

Well, let's see--

You're not gonna touch these women.
Neither of you are.

- Jump, Leigh. Show them how they--
- No! This lawsuit is over.

Get dressed.

- You can't--
- It's over. I'm recommending dismissal.

Her breasts are fine.

The fact that they may not look
or feel exactly like her breasts--

- You had to assume a risk.
- She's suing.

- I paid for them!
- It's over, Ling.

Hard " L, " hard "G, " hard times.

If I seem a cold,
shapely person, tough.

This case is over.

I thought I hated this firm
and then I didn't, but now I do.

She makes eyes at me.

Nelle?

She's drawn to me,
or I puzzle her. Could be both.

John, she wants to go out,
says you're cute. A date is possible.

She frightens me.

She could floss her teeth
with you, but it could be fun.

The question is, can you date her
without falling for her?

If yes, great. If no,
don't think about it.

What about Ling?
Think it could work out?

- I want emotional inaccessibility.
- Why?

So when it falls apart,
it won't be my failure. What?

When Ally went on that talk show,
she looked at me...

...and said, "You only die once. "

Then she marched into danger
with a smile.

I think I will date Nelle.

Georgia. Hey.

Drinking?

No.

That's just...

...vodka.

I'm getting ready to drink it.

What's the matter?

- Nothing.
- Nothing?

Nothing I can talk to you about.

Billy.

Yeah.

- There you go.
- Thank you.

What now?

Lisa Knowels.

She was saying how--

When men dump women,
they speed away...

...Iike they're fleeing
the scene and then...

...it hit me.

Billy didn't go off to Michigan
to make law review.

He went to get away from me.

That was just his way
of fleeing the scene.

Am I right?

I am right.

He didn't have to go that far.

Did he really have to go
all the way to Michigan?

He met somebody who was at Michigan.

He met you while he was still with me.

I didn't know about you.

- Calm down--
- Your lawyers are traitors.

You sue a talk-show host
for things he says, a woman--

- lf you thought they were bad--
- Ling!

Don't "Ling" me.
I'm tired of being Ling-ed.

Ling.

I admire the way you don't
let yourself be pushed around.

Too many people, when they think
they've been wronged, walk away.

But...

...something's going on. You think
the world's against you--

It's only the people who meet you.

Kidding.

Soot.

Can I offer a piece of psychology?
As your friend?

You're an unpopular person. You are.

And it's easier to deal with
if you're fighting with everybody.

So you can lay it off on a battle.
Instead of....

Thank you, Nelle.

That helps.

- She needed to hear it.
- One sec.

Ling.

I do the same thing, in a way.

People never trusted me. So I began
being unscrupulous on purpose...

...and that way I felt in control
of people's reactions.

Anyway...

... not everybody dislikes you.

I like you.

Have dinner with me.

I'd like that.

- How could you tell her?!
- I didn't. She figured it out.

- How?
- Sometimes a woman just can.

We see things you don't think we see.

What's that mean?

I mean I see the sideways glances.
I see the admiring gazes.

- At who?
- Jackie Silverman!

The woman with the perfect--

You've got to be--

She didn't do anything for you?

But why does that threaten you?

Why?

Yes! You being threatened says more
about you than it does about me.

But it doesn't!
The crazy thing is that...

...what's bothering Ally now
is what's bothering me.

- Which is?
- Which is...

...you can be in love
with somebody...

...and yet if someone else
walks into the room. Suddenly--

Are you being serious?

What am I supposed
to tell myself, Billy?

That it could never
happen with you?

It did.

You said yourself that you
took one look at me.

One look...

...when you were in love with
someone else.

That I was the beneficiary, great.

But what about the next time?

I' m not even going to dignify that.

Great. Don't.

But when Ally comes at you,
and l' m sure that she will...

...dignify her complaint,
because it's legitimate.

Sing in a bar?

This could be something
you would really enjoy.

It's a forum.

You need a forum.

If you agree, I've persuaded
Mark to talk--

I don't need to talk with him.

I thought you did.

He's willing to address the breakup.

- He is?
- He says he is.

- I'd be mediator.
- He wants to mediate?

No. He's not saying that.

He's willing to talk about
what happened. From his side.

- A lot of people come to this bar?
- Great music at this place.

But it's kind of a more
liberal crowd...

...so the pro-nuclear bomb numbers--

You know.

It is a good idea to talk
with him, right?

It's better to know.

Yeah.

Yeah, it is better.

- She said not downstairs. I'm troubled.
- It's just a date, John.

She's so much woman. I don't wanna get
hit with irregularity. Plus--

- What?
- I need your candor.

- lf it's wrong, tell me.
- Okay.

I feel short with her.

John, she might like...

...Iess tall.

Why try to make yourself conventional?

If she wanted that,
she wouldn't date you.

She might like that you're
this bizarre, little oddity.

Go with it, be yourself.

Thank you, Richard. I'm buoyed.

I'm sorry.

I don't know what else to say.

You've had the whole night
to think about it.

What do you want me to say?

Hold on, Lisa.

It's not about you figuring out
what she wants to hear.

You can't sail through this
like some funeral.

Now what happened?

Give her that.

- Was there somebody else?
- No.

Then what, Mark? What?

It just wasn't you.

It was never going to be you.

You said it was.

Because I wanted to believe it.
I was desperate to.

You're the best woman I've known.

Your values, kindness,
your beauty--

You're everything I looked for.
When I found you...

...I was sure I'd fall in love.
I kept waiting for it to happen.

But it didn't.

- You never loved me?
- No, I do. I still do.

But I've known greater love
with other women.

I knew that marrying you would be
the smart thing to do.

You'd be a good mother,
a great companion.

Marrying you would have been
the most practical thing.

But part of me also would have
died inside because--

I have no passion for you.

I actually used to pray:

"God, let me fall in love
with her more. Let me feel it. "

Should I have told you all that?

Do you feel better knowing?

- I won't be disparaged.
- I wasn't.

I was dancing.

Barry White?

You were hot.

You don't have to rehearse first.

No. I definitely want to.

I don't need to be humiliated
twice in one day.

You don't even have to do it tonight.

Trust me, I need to sing tonight.

After that....

Are you okay?

I think so.

At least I understand it, Ally.

Yeah.

Knowing is good.

You know what the worst thing is?

If he hadn't ended it, I'd be married
to a man who wasn't in love with me.

- That would be worse.
- Can you imagine?

I'm going to go rehearse.
See you down there later?

I will be there.

Break a heart.

Leg.

When I considered transferring
to Michigan...

...I went to visit.

I met Georgia.

Inside of 1 0 minutes...

... I knew she was the woman I'd marry.

Nothing happened until
after you and l--

- You lied.
- I went partly to make law review.

Well, then you're covered.

You said if the truth serves
no other purpose than to cause pain--

You don't know how much pain
it would've spared me.

I don't understand.

It's not like you lost something today
that you had yesterday.

Yesterday, I believed in something.

I'm not ashamed of wanting
somebody to love.

I never have been because I had it once
and it was everything.

But maybe I never really had it.

Yeah...

...you did.

Well....

It's like you say, it was years ago.
It doesn't really matter.

I wish I had done things differently.

Billy.

I'm fine.

You stinker!

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