Ally McBeal (1997–2002): Season 2, Episode 2 - They Eat Horses, Don't They? - full transcript

Previously. Ever
heard of Nelle Porter?

Subzero Nelle? She's
looking to leave Goodman Dale.

She's got serious
portables. Will she meet?

I'm told she's asked about us.

- Hi.
- Oh, hi, Nelle.

Paul. It's John.

Oh. Right. Listen, Ally. I'm
really considering joining up.

But I would like to talk
to a woman's woman first.

Do you have any at your firm?

You have a remote
toilet flusher?

Sometimes people leave
in haste, forgetting to flush.



Other times, there are residual
remnants. I like a fresh bowl.

John. Isometrics
already? It's morning.

I'm having trouble
with my dismounts.

I would like to introduce
to you all Nelle Porter.

As of today, she'll be
joining us as a new attorney.

Just so we're clear, we
hate her, right? Mm-hmm.

- What's this?
- Initiation.

♪♪

She makes my heart go... boom.

John, the last thing you want is to be
in love with someone you can't have.

That is something I know.

I like a fresh bowl.

I understand.

- You enjoying yourself
so far?
- I am actually.



Yeah. It's a nice group.

♪♪

♪♪

John.

- Can I ask you something?
- Sure.

Are you... drawn to
me? Poughkeep...

Why...
- Why-Why would you ask that?

Well, sometimes women have
intuition about these things.

Mm-hmm.

Plus Richard told me. Ah.

I have certain rules about
dating men I work with.

But I make them
up as I go along.

It's official.

I hate her.

Did you tell Nelle Porter
I was drawn to her?

Yes. Sorry. Bygones.

Unacceptable.

What I tell you I have
an expectation of privacy.

Which I why I'm apologizing.
Bygones squared. No.

Do you know who Harold Wick is, shock jock
of the airwaves? Of course you know him.

He's vulgar. We're
also suing him.

Nelle's client.
Extremely hot copy.

We have an excellent
chance to boost our profile

and erode the First
Amendment in the process.

It's not often we get a case
where principle coincides with profit.

I'm not about to
take time-out...

just because I breached some
little trust thing you and I got going.

We're late for the staff
meeting. Off we go.

♪ I've been down this road ♪

♪ Walkin' the line
that's painted by pride ♪

♪ And I have made
mistakes in my life ♪

♪ That I just can't hide ♪

♪ Oh, I believe I am ready ♪

♪ For what love has
to bring Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ I got myself together ♪

♪ Now I'm ready to sing ♪

♪ I've been searching
my soul tonight ♪

♪ I know there's so
much more to life ♪

♪ Now I know I
can shine a light ♪

♪ To find my way back home ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Baby, yeah ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪♪

- Wait. Wait just a second. This woman...
- Her name is Ling.

- Ling. She's the plant manager.
- Yes.

- Suing Harold Wick,
the guy on the radio?
- Yes.

Does Harold Wick have anything
to do with this manufacturing plant?

- No.
- Then how... What am I missing?

He broadcasts a
sexually charged program,

contributing to sexually charged
working environments all over,

especially places like
manufacturing plants...

dominated by male
workers with the I.Q. of meat.

We're suing a
radio personality...

for contributing to sexual
harassment at a steel plant?

Exactly.

Oh, that is... I'm sorry. I'm
sure you're a good attorney,

but as a cause of action, that
is laugh-out-loud ridiculous.

Great. It's always
more fun when I give a

cute guy a giggle as I
go about my business.

I could actually use another
body on this. Could you jump in?

No!

- You-You have that-that
motion to compel on Roberts.
- Ally'll do it.

- What?
- John's in trial. Georgia's second chair.

I'm in charge. That leaves you.
We all have work. Let's move.

I'll get you the file.

Fi-Fine.

Oh. I'm looking for Nelle Porter.
Could you help me, please?

Well, her office would be... I
tried her office. She wasn't there.

Hence my need for help. Have
I come to the wrong person?

You would be her closest friend?

I'm a client. - Ling.

Oh, Nelle.

I'm extremely anxious.
We'll get through it.

We're facing him. And why have you switched
firms? You know how I am with change.

Everything will be fine. I-I'm
very anxious. I have to tell you...

Ling, it's just a
deposition. Relax.

Maybe it's just
too much newness.

It was our anniversary, so I
wanted everything special.

That's why I took her
to a French restaurant.

We ordered the chef's
menu thing. Chef's menu?

It's a set thing. Vichy
cold soup, foie gras...

Stuff you would never
order in a million years.

Do they tell you what you're
eating when they serve it?

Well, it's more tasty in
French, so we didn't really ask.

A French fry is good,
but pommes frites.

We didn't really press
'em on the translations.

But eventually you did
press them. On the meat, yes.

It was so good, I
said I got to know what

kind of cut this is.
That's when they told me.

- What was it?
- Horse.

- Horse.
- As in Trigger. As in Secretariat.

They served me
and my wife Mr. Ed.

What happened when they
told you what you'd just eaten?

I became nauseous,
as did my wife.

Were there any other consequences
for you and your wife besides nausea?

We suffered sleeplessness, even
depression. We're both animal lovers.

Horse lovers in particular. The idea that
we ate one, it repulsed us. It still does.

I apologize. One of
my props went awry.

Oh! I am so sorry.

Oh, That's all right.
Oh, you're Harold Wick.

I'm Elaine Vassal.
I'm a huge fan.

Though I should say it quietly
since my office is suing you.

- I understand.
- We're here
for the deposition.

Yeah. It'll be in the
conference room.

May I just say,

on your show, you talk about
women as if they're all cheap.

You see, my entire
life, I've been cheap.

And it wasn't until I
listened to your show...

that I realized I wasn't
alone in the world.

Well, I'm happy to have helped.

You like horses? Very much.

Found the meat delicious even? I
don't like to eat 'em. It's perverse.

- You eat cows?
- That's different.

- Pigs?
- Yes, but...

- Pan-roasted Cornish game hens?
- Look, I'm not a vegetarian and
I'm not against eating meat.

But a horse, it's a noble beast.

- Ever go to the track?
- I've been.

Ever scream at a jockey to whip
the noble beast you bet to show?

- Objection.
- I'm not gonna get
into a cruelty debate.

I'm sure we can all treat cats and dogs
better than we do, but we'd never eat them.

It should be the
same for horses.

Some people might like horse meat.
Shouldn't it be the individual's choice?

- Couldn't you
just say "neigh"?
- That's real funny.

The point is is they didn't
tell me. If they had told me...

Yeah. You would've
ordered the cow.

And you would be aware of the male
demographic makeup of your audience, sir?

I really don't think
in graphic terms.

- Well, sometimes.
- I suggest you answer
the questions, Mr. Wick.

I thought I did.

Uh, by the way, you didn't
tell me your name. I think I did.

Oh, that's right. You're Nelle.

I like that. Nelle.
Sounds kind of naughty.

And you're Ling.

And... Who's the spinner?

- Hey!
- Harold.

- Do you think this is a game?
- Of course it's a game.

Just because you're this
hot little foreign number...

and you hired these
two little nubile lawyers,

you think I'm gonna pop a
chubby and give you my money?

- Well, okay. What are you, Chinese?
- Mr. Wick.

Lucky I took some
Viagra with the Ibuprofen.

- You're even more vile
in person.
- Ling.

- Ma'am, I'm sure
you're a nice person.
- Harold.

You're not going to
intimidate us, Mr. Wick.

Don't think that
I don't know that.

I can't even look at you
without seeing a whip.

And you, I can't get a bead on.

I just know I'd like to take you home
and make you my nasty little whore.

Don't you think by suing him that
we're giving him exactly what he wants?

- This guy loves the publicity.
- Even so, we're doing
what Ling wants.

Come on, Nelle. We're
not gonna win this.

Don't be so sure.

Um... Uh, Nelle, uh,

what, um, is a... spinner?

I think it means...

perky personality.

♪ Ohh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Ah-ooh ♪

♪ I guess you sunk in Oh,
yeah, you admit it and ♪

♪ Now I'm fumblin'
somewhere deep within ♪

♪ Will I raise my glass
or will you kick my ass ♪

Where is she? I'm very
uncomfortable around new people.

She'll be here. Tell me, Ling.

When you resort to these
sexual harassment lawsuits,

do you worry about coming
off, say, weak, vindictive,

powerless little imp in
need of special help?

It runs so contrary to your
personality, which seems vicious.

I'm just making conversation
till, uh, Nelle gets here.

If you only knew the things
that are said about me.

I bet I could guess.

Hey. Sorry I'm late.

- What did I miss?
- Oh. Nothing.

We're just, uh,
chewing the baby fat.

I don't like your new firm. The lawyers
here are crazy, and the singer bugs me.

Come on. Let's go
back up to the office.

♪ You yank me up and
down just like a yo-yo ♪

♪ Do you love me
You're an anomaly ♪

♪ Or maybe you are just
unbelievably ordinary ♪♪

- Uh... Uh, John.
- Ally. Hi.

- What was that?
- What?

Oh. Oh, that. It's a, uh,
demonstrative aid for my trial.

His name's Frawley.

I used to make cut-out dolls of the
bullies at school. Frawley would kick them.

He's a good horse.

This case is upsetting
you. Well, I think...

I've always thought we enjoy a
special covenant with the horse.

"Carry us high as we ride into
battle, and we won't eat you."

Do you think Georgia
should first chair?

I... Actually, I
would've been fine,

but the plaintiff
brought up Mr. Ed.

Frawley and I used to
watch that show together.

Why am I telling you
this? Because you can.

When you're with me,
it's the only time that

you're not the strangest
person in the room.

So go ahead. Get weird on me.

I'm cross-examining this guy.

And in my head, I'm thinking,

what if Wilbur went into
the barn one Thanksgiving...

and said, "We
have no turkey, Ed.

I'm sorry."

Today it could happen. Oh,
yeah. November. Sweeps.

Hmm.

Do you remember the song?

Excuse me?

♪ A horse is a horse
Of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course
unless the horse ♪

♪ is the famous Mr. Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the
answer that you endorse ♪

♪ He always sets
a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mr. Ed ♪

♪ I am Mr. Ed ♪♪

But, Harold, why
does she sue you?

Why does she sue
me? Listen up, America.

She sues me because
anyone today with enough

money to afford a lawyer
can buy some fame.

And you know
what? She'll get it.

Especially since she has that
slutty little Asian thing going.

American men love
that, don't we, guys?

Listen, numb nuts.
Listen up, America...

I must say, he's
a little bit right.

What, that American men
like slutty Asian women?

He's right about her probably
ending up on the cover of Time.

It'll sell better than some
doctor curing cancer.

You should see the
way she dresses. Who?

Ling. It's like, "Look
at my body now."

- "But just don't talk
about it."
- Exactly.

You know, the men
at the courthouse...

Clerks and lawyers and
some of the judges even...

They talk about
your short skirts.

They-They do?

Isn't that why you
wear them? No.

I want them to
talk about my legs.

They do, don't they?

Oh, yeah.

It's very low fat.
It's high protein.

It's probably better for
you than Angus beef.

But, Mr. Handy, a
horse? You know what?

In Hindu, they'd probably have
something to say about us eating cows.

This is the United
States of America.

In which there are many
slaughterhouses which produce horse meat.

In Japan, they eat
them raw, like sashimi.

You don't think our equestrian
friends deserve better...

than to be offered up
on a plate at Sizzler...

Of course they deserve
better. So does the pig.

Now, you sound annoyed.

Surely you can appreciate this
animal is revered in our country.

What if, uh, Elizabeth Taylor
ate her horse in National Velvet?

Are you sure she didn't?

Mr. Handy, it would
be a grave mistake...

to insult Elizabeth
Taylor in my courtroom.

I'm sorry, Your Honor.
But I'm on trial here.

I'm spending my own money to defend
against a suit based on blatant hypocrisy.

That man isn't sick.
He didn't suffer injury.

We're all in this room because of a notion
that it's unconscionable to eat a horse.

And to you, it's
just perfectly okay?

We kill them for pet food. We turn
horses into paint thinner, for God's sake.

What does that
do to their nobility?

Yes, but for pet food or paint
thinner, they can be euthanized.

But for human consumption,
the end has to be drug-free, right?

- Which means slaughter.
- Ah, well, if cruelty's
the issue,

that brings us back
to the cow and the pig.

You just don't seem to be too
sympathetic on this at all, do you?

If people don't want to
eat it, they shouldn't order it.

But I shouldn't be hauled
into a courtroom for serving it.

It's preposterous.

Forget the issue of free
speech and censorship.

The idea that a radio personality
can be sued for sexual harassment...

by someone he's never
met or even talked about...

I must say, Ms. Porter, your
client does not work for Harold Wick.

This man has no connection
with the steel plant.

What possible
duty does he have...

to ensure against any
discrimination that goes on there?

Your Honor, it was once held that
tobacco companies had no duty...

to people who didn't
use their products...

until it was determined that nonsmokers
were also being hurt, and the law changed.

Our theory is basically the
same as secondhand smoke.

What he's putting out is finding
its way into the workplace.

- Secondhand smoke?
- We go after car companies
for polluting the air.

This man is syndicated
on more than 300 stations.

He goes on daily talking
about women's body parts,

saying God made
females to be sex slaves.

- We call it free speech.
- Yes.

And the courts are willing to
clamp down on free speech...

when it causes oppression
and discrimination.

This stretches the scope of
sexual harassment to absurdity.

I'm not so sure. Under
the law right now,

you can sue an employer for playing
Mr. Wick's broadcast in the workplace.

It's not even a question. What
we're saying in our complaint,

even though these
broadcasts aren't actually

being played at my
client's steel plant,

this man is so
pervasive and popular,

the things he says are
coming inside just the same.

So the court should just get in there and
legislate the content of radio programs?

Nope. He should be able
to say whatever he wants.

But if it results in discrimination
or a hostile work environment,

he should simply
be held accountable.

And how would you ever prove
that what he says on the radio...

affects what the men think and
say at that manufacturing plant?

Maybe I couldn't. But that's a
question for the jury, not the judge.

- What's wrong?
- Nelle.

Don't tell me she's good.

She's great.

She's poised.

She doesn't pull at her hair.

Nothing comes out of her mouth
that she doesn't wanna come out.

She doesn't over-gesticulate.

And she made a completely implausible
cause of action seem totally believable.

That... bitch.

The judge didn't throw it out.

He took it under advisement.

We might even win.

Oh, Ally. I'm so sorry.

Harold! Harold!

Harold, how do you think
it went in there today?

Well, listen. Truth be told,

uh, I don't really know
what was said in there.

The other attorney
did most of the talking,

and she was just so yummy.

All I wanted to do was bite her.

Part of me wants
to sleep with him,

'cause I know if
I did, I'd kill him.

Ouch.

Where's Nelle? She says she's gonna meet
me places. I always get stuck with you.

Terrible. I know. What's
that on your neck?

Oh. Chinese wattle.

Ow. Bygones.

You're a man without any
nice qualities as far as I can see,

with a funny name, Fish.

Sticks and stones. Ling.

When I first saw you, you
know what I was thinking? What?

Nothing. You made
no impression at all.

When this case is over,

I promise I'll be taking
my business elsewhere.

No, you won't. I can tell.

What are you doing?

Oh. I'm, uh... I'm just
working on my closing.

It's the first draft, and I... I just
get a better feel with bare feet.

Huh.

Have you ever had horse meat?

Oh, thanks, but, uh, I've
actually already had dinner.

Maybe another time. Fine.

I'm free Thursday night.
How about Thursday?

Thursday. That would...
That would be good.

Good.

Ready?

- You're still working
on your first draft?
- I may need you to close.

I-I haven't even questioned a
witness. The jury doesn't know me.

- Well, you've been in court.
- You can't just drop
the summation last second.

- We...
- I can't do this. I'm not invested.

Wait a second.

You've defended
criminals. Mm-hmm.

Murderers even. You can't defend
a restaurant that serves horse meat?

I know it sounds silly.

But it is... it is as
if I hear voices,

and they're telling
me not to do this.

What kind of voices?
I would rather not say.

John, the law is
completely on your side.

It would be conspicuous
for you not to get up.

Could even be malpractice.

Come on. We got to go.

Mm-hmm. Hmm?

Is it Frawley?

- Excuse me?
- The voices.

Is Frawley telling
you not to do this?

Frawley's not even
speaking to me.

Well, then who?
Wha-Wha-What voices?

I'm afraid if I tell
you, I would...

win back the reputation of
strangest one in the room.

Here she is.

Ally, I have Nelle
and vicious Ling.

They say the judge is
coming back with a ruling.

All rise.

- Nice little turnout.
- Be seated.

It is heartening to see the
community take such an interest...

in our Constitution.

The sexual harassment
claim is dismissed.

As a matter of law,
I find it untenable...

that a radio talk show host could be held
liable for employmental discrimination...

at a place where
he does not work.

However, the complaint also alleges
negligent infliction of emotional distress.

And that one is tricky.

Free speech is not
always protected.

Bottom line... If
it is foreseeable...

that some product you put out
there is capable of causing harm,

liability is right
around the corner.

Lawsuits have been brought
against Hollywood movies.

The talk show? It's likely next.

This is the most slippery
of slopes. If you start...

No question.

And a jury is free to say
we value free speech...

over the possible
harm it causes.

But let's all face a
fact here. Mr. Wick isn't

throwing out ideas
and political content.

For the most part, it's gratuitous,
titillating radio sex talk...

aimed for the young at mind.

It demeans women systemically.

I realize that nine out of 10
judges might dismiss this claim.

Unfortunately,
Mr. Wick, you got me.

Motion to dismiss denied.

Oh, my God. Thank you.

Thank you, Ally.

I didn't do anything.
Yes, you did.

The judge got mad at him.
You dressing up like this,

baiting him into
calling you a spinner.

It worked. Genius!
I-I-I'm glad to do my part.

The ruling has sent shock waves
through all media circles, Michael.

Karen, what kind of precedent
does this set? Is Rush Limbaugh next?

Well, first, keep in mind that
this is just one state court ruling,

and it's certainly
to be appealed.

And anyone suing Rush Limbaugh
would be hard-pressed to prove...

Cage & Fish. Just say
the name. Cage & Fish.

Reporting live from outside
the law offices of Cage & Fish,

I'm Karen Martinetti.
Yes! Good report.

Uh, Ling. Uh, congratulations.
I... I don't have the words.

Yes. So, what do we do now?

We dismiss. - What?

We wanted to get the guy. We get
him best by getting out while we're ahead.

I want money. I-I... Me too.

You'll never get it.
They'll never settle.

They can't, on principle.
And on appeal, we'll lose.

Our case is basically an end
around the First Amendment.

- But why just give up?
- Our goal was to get even. In
victory we have credibility.

Now we make the First
Amendment our best friend in life.

What are you talking about?

I need to draft a
statement. I'll be back.

Don't leave me
alone with... him.

Alone again, you and me.
You probably feel special.

Ling, anyone with you is alone.

Decent people don't eat horses.

Sure. You can talk about the
cows and the pigs and the chickens...

and the hypocrisy of it all...

and cry, "Why should
horses be different?"

But they are different.

They are companion
animals, and they are different.

If you ever stood
up close to a horse,

it's a proud animal.

It's an animal seemingly
with the capacity for integrity,

with the capacity for not
only serving mankind...

but, oddly, wanting to.

And there's a
dignity about them.

A dignity.

We should at least
honor that in the end.

This case isn't about horses.

It's about people.

This person over here is
suing this person over here.

It's people.

And people eat animals.

You might not like it,

but the Constitution doesn't
start off, "We the horses."

Animals don't get rights.

We're not expected to rise
to some level of decency...

when it comes to livestock.

We're not expected to have
feelings for them, and why should we?

They taste good.

This thing about decency...
You have to stop it.

Because next, they'll
go after the hamburger.

If you attack horse meat
on grounds of decency,

I promise you the
hamburger will be next.

It would be unavoidable.

'Cause if you've ever
been in a slaughterhouse,

if you've seen what
happens to those cows,

you'd know that decency would
spell the end of an American institution.

And the sausage would be
next. And then the chicken wing.

We the people eat animals,

and we're not decent about it.

Now, my client, he's
human. He's also American.

And in this country, we have
another credo which is innate to us all.

As long as folks keep consuming it,
don't blame the guy who serves it up.

The plaintiff's counsel
says we should...

allow the horse to keep
his dignity in the end.

We're human beings.

This is glue.

We're grateful to the
court for the validation,

and to the public
for its support.

The reason I've decided
to dismiss this claim...

And you'll have to forgive
me for not going into detail...

It appears that certain physical
or psychological dysfunctions...

may be the root of Mr. Wick's
compulsion to fixate on sexual content.

I feel it would be
wrong for me...

to exploit any of his
medical... inadequacies,

or conditions.

Suffice it to say, in light
of this new information,

I bear no ill will towards
Mr. Wick, and I wish him well.

I'm sorry. That's all. The
suit has been dismissed.

Have you learned that
he's impotent? Is that it?

I'm not gonna
parse the statement.

That was the dirtiest
pool to its deepest depth,

and you did it looking
like you took the high road.

It's a treat to watch you work, Nelle.
That was worthy of an earthworm.

Thanks. But we have no
information that he's impotent.

- So?
- So? So what if he
turns around and sues us?

This man's entire career is
predicated by his erection.

- We didn't say he was impotent.
- Well, you certainly
implied it.

Well, he said something about
taking Viagra with Ibuprofen.

That was a joke. It depends
on how you interpret it.

If we made a mistake,
oopsie. He's a public figure.

He can't get us
for being negligent.

He's got to prove reckless
disregard for the truth. He can't.

I told you. In the end, the
First Amendment's our buddy.

Dirty. Ugly. I could kiss
you. I could almost kiss you.

- But you won't.
- You know what?

I think what you did stinks.

It was dishonest.

- No more dishonest than you,
pretending to be a spinner.
- I am not a spinner.

Bite my head off.

I still hate this firm.

Come on. Let's go
to the bar, celebrate.

Oh, Ally, I'm sorry.

Are you all right?

You knocked me into the toilet.

I was just practicing
my dismount.

You're gonna kill somebody
someday. I'm sorry.

Look at me. Oh!

I-I was just thinking about how
this place is going down the toilet.

And then-then-then,
boom! I'm going down too.

What do you mean we're
going down the toilet?

Are you really gonna date her?

Well, I sort of
committed to Thursday.

And plus, I mean, you
know, I... You're drawn to her.

Well, I never meant to date her.

One minute I was just
practicing my summation.

The next I... You
really don't like her?

I don't know. It's just...

I'm worried about this place
becoming something different.

Ally. I have news.

The producer of the
Harold Wick show just called.

Well, is-is he suing? No. He's inviting
you to be a guest on his show tomorrow.

I beg your pardon? He wants you.

Probably to engage you
in some cheap sex talk.

Shall I tell him yes, or
should I pass it to Nelle?

- You...
- You tell him I'll do it.

You will?

Yeah. Sure. I'll do it.

You could get creamed.

♪♪

You only die once.

I-I-I thought this
was just radio.

Well, it goes out on cable too
now. You want some water, soda?

- Um, I-I'm... I'm fine.
- We'll start
in about 10 minutes.

And-And-And what, does he just come
down at the last second and plop down?

Pretty much. He doesn't like
the guests to get too comfortable.

Hmm. What a shock.

She's doing what?
Harold Wick. Now.

Why? Why not? I've
always wanted to do him.

But I have a rapier wit,
more suitable for the program.

It doesn't make sense. Appearing on
the show is the equivalent of endorsement.

This may be true, but if
we keep talking, we'll miss it.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Closing turned out
to be pretty good, John.
- Well, thank you.

The spirit of it, however... I'm not
so sure it was in our client's interest.

I'm not billing him for my
spirit. I hope we don't lose.

'Cause that summation could
give him grounds for a new trial.

Then that would have been
very clever of me, wouldn't it?

Here's what you've all been
waiting for. Three, two, one.

Harold Wick! You're on.

I've been sued. Everybody
knows I've been sued.

But what everybody
doesn't know...

is how sexy and trashy-looking
all of the lawyers are.

And so we're really lucky to have
Ally McBeal here for everybody to see.

- Hi, Ally.
- Good morning.

McBeal. McBeal. I keep
thinking that probably growing up,

you were some Cub
Scout's happy meal.

- Um... Uh, no.
- Well, it beats having a
Brownie, I can tell you that.

Let's... Let's talk about
the case for a minute.

Firstly, is there any way
I could see you naked?

I-I don't think so, Harold.

That's what I thought you'd say.

You have this phenomenal
tight little body. You know that.

I... I-I, uh... I do.

You work on it? I do.

I was sitting in court, and I
was looking at you and Nelle.

By the way, Nelle's
kind of naughty, isn't she?

- I... I-I don't know.
- Come on. Come on.

- I don't know.
- I was looking at you,
and I was looking at Nelle,

and I was thinking, have the two
of you ever, uh, you know, together?

No. No. We're-We're just,
uh, business associates.

With that tight body of yours...

and Nelle's nasty little, uh...

Anyway, let's not go there. Let's
talk law, okay? Single. Lawyer.

Beautiful. Makes lots of money.

- I bet you can get laid
anytime you want.
- Pretty much.

So then tell me about this
press conference last night.

- Why is she doing this?
- You tell me. You've
known her the longest.

- This isn't Ally.
- A lot of people
have been calling,

and they wanna know about
this sexual inadequacy thing.

- Have you been talking
to my ex-wife?
- Yeah.

I thought so. Come on. No, no.

Well, my ex-wife used to say...

that having sex with me was
kind of like being vaccinated.

That hurt my feelings.

'Cause I always thought it
was a great three seconds.

Then you guys go and
hold a press conference.

Well, Harold, see, the three of
us were sitting there in court...

trying to turn you on, and
you just never made a move.

- We were hurt.
- Oh, please.

I don't understand this at all.

Let's talk about those skirts
you wear. What's that all about?

Well, you know, men are constantly
trying to mentally undress me.

I'm just trying to save
them some time, that's all.

Mmm, baby. Come on over
here and meet the big guy.

Ooh. Uh, no, no.
Thanks-Thanks, um, anyway.

Jury's back.

Let's gallop.

Sorry.

- The jury has
reached its verdict?
- We have.

- What say you?
- In the matter of
Daley versus Paul's Bistro...

on the count of negligent
infliction of emotional distress,

we find in favor
of the defendant.

The jury is dismissed.

Thank you for your service.

I'm going to give you the benefit
of the doubt, and say thank you.

Sometimes sentiment
is just that, Mr. Handy,

and sometimes not.

Hmm. But a kook
is always a kook.

Come on.

And we're clear.

Good job. You
were great. Thanks.

You were fabulous actually.

I was a little surprised
you agreed to come on.

Well, me too really.

Why did you come on? Is
anything off the record with you?

My public persona
is my livelihood.

Ally, what I do is not who I am.

I-I came...

Well, what you do,
I don't always like it.

But it's at least presented
in the form of entertainment.

What we did at that press
conference... below the belt.

My coming on the show...

Maybe it took some of the
air out of our show last night.

Anyway, it was an experience.

Ally, you're a great lady.

Go easy on us? Never.

Hmm.

The whole point was to make him
suffer, and she goes on his show charming.

She was nice. Some
people can't help being nice.

- You know how it is.
- None of us knew
she was going to appear...

I had a sick feeling about
this law firm from the beginning.

I won't pay.

Oh. There she
is. The little Judas.

So, how do you go on that show
and suds away everything we tried to...

What we did last night
was disgusting, Nelle.

Sorry. Technically, I didn't
betray any confidences,

and technically, I didn't do anything
to undermine our client's case.

And hey, I extended
the firm's 15 minutes.

You gotta love that.

Go to hell.

That was hurtful.

John, I'm sorry. I'm sor... I...

I thought you were... I...

I just wanna say,

your concerns that this place
might become something different?

Hmm. I share them.

You do?

But as long as we have you,

I know we'll keep what we have.

That might be the best thing
anyone's ever said to me. Well...

In which case, I'll
leave on that note.

They're for you,
and nobody died.

What?

I peeked at the card. "To one
classy broad. Love, Harold."

Perhaps we have a new suitor.

♪ What kind of fool
do you think I am ♪

♪ You think you can
go on seeing him ♪

♪ Darling, after we
made our plans ♪

♪ You said I'd be your
number-one man ♪

♪ What kind of fool do you ♪

♪ Think I am ♪
♪ Do you think I am, yeah ♪

♪ Think I am ♪

♪ What kind of fool
did you think I'd be ♪

Hey, guys.

A star is born.

Thank you. Ally,
in a million years...

I know. I don't know
what came over me. I...

You know what? It didn't hurt.

- ♪ Do you think I am ♪
- ♪ Do you think I am ♪

Oh, what have we
got going on up there?

I don't know, but
it scares me a little.

You can dance. I
wouldn't have guessed.

I'm an enigma.

Yes, you are. ♪ I got
to be your number one ♪

♪ Or I ain't gonna
love you at all ♪

You can't deny
you're having fun, Ling.

Yes, I can.

♪ You run around all over town ♪

♪ You build me up and
then you let me down ♪

♪ What kind of fool
do you think I am ♪

♪ Do you think I am ♪

♪ Think I am ♪

♪ Do you think I am ♪♪

You stinker!