Ally McBeal (1997–2002): Season 1, Episode 9 - The Dirty Joke - full transcript

Oh, Blanche.

You know we got rats
in the cellar?

- That wasn't funny.
- Yes, it was!

- No, it wasn't.
- Trust me, it was funny.

- Cruelty is funny to you. Pain.
- When it's somebody else's.

- How many times do you watch it?
- I like it.

They don't make movies
about real relationships anymore.

What do you watch?
The Sound of Music?

- What's wrong with that?
- Lf you don't mind Julie Andrews.

- Do you have something against her?
- Doesn't everyone?

I like her.



Renee.

- She's perky.
- She isn't perky!

Sister Maria?
Mary Poppins?

She bared her breasts
in that other movie.

There's nothing Mary Poppins
about that.

I saw that movie. Her breasts were
perky. She had optimistic nipples.

- Okay, what's going on?
- What do you mean?

- You don't like Mary Poppins?
- No.

I don't have anything against...

- High school.
- What about high school?

I was...

I was voted
"Most Likely To Become Julie Andrews."

Ah!

- I'm not anything like her, am I?
- No, and neither is she.



She regrets those movies. Julie
Andrews is nothing like Mary or Maria.

My class didn't know that when
they voted me most likely to be her.

- People do think I'm prudey.
- Really?

Sometimes in the unisex,
Richard and Billy tell jokes.

They stop when I come in. They're
afraid to pierce my virgin ears.

Men have something
about dirty jokes.

They do?

If you want in on the club, tell one.
They'll hand you a cigar.

I don't know any. Except the one
about the flea, but Billy knows it.

- Do you know any?
- I got a few.

Tell me one.

- I'm not telling you any dirty jokes.
- Why not?

'Cause you'll faint!

Sorry, I probably would have voted
with your class.

You know what, Renee? Bite me!

- Tell me one dirty joke.
- You want me to tell you a dirty joke?

- The dirtier, the better.
- Okay. Ready?

I'm ready.

- Tell it!
- You'll faint.

All right.

This man is walking down the beach.
Nobody for miles. Beautiful sunset.

Suddenly he spots this girl, no arms,
no legs, just a torso. She's crying.

He says:
"Why are you crying?"

"I'm 21. I have no arms,
no legs and I've never been kissed."

And his heart just breaks.

He gives her the most gentle kiss.
It's so romantic, her tears just stop.

She says, "Thank you."
"You're welcome." And he leaves.

He hears her crying again.
He says, "What?"

"I'm 21, no arms, no legs
and I've never been screwed."

So he throws her into the ocean
saying: "You're screwed now!"

- What?
- That was disgusting.

Come on!

You're making fun
of a disabled woman's sex life.

Forget it!
You are pathetic!

- I'm pathetic?
- Yes, you.

That joke wasn't funny.
It was sick.

- Raindrops on roses...
- I'm not being Julie Andrews.

- Sing, but that woman is drowning.
- Who's drowning?

The woman got chucked into the ocean!
And you're singing!

It's sick! Sick! Sick!

VONDA SINGS:
I've been down this road

The Dirty Joke

Walking the line
That's painted by pride

And I have made mistakes in my life

That I just can 't hide

I believe I am ready

For what love has to bring

I got myself together

Now I'm ready to sing

I've been searching my soul tonight

I know there's so much more to life

Now I know I can shine the light

To find my way back home

Oh, baby, yeah

Oh, yeah

- Do you think it's funny?
- No, it's sick.

- Dirty jokes are supposed to be sick.
- So you think it's funny?

- Well, a little.
- No arms, no legs, bobbing around.

I don't think you're supposed
to think about it.

How? This woman was born a stump.
Can you imagine her life?

I mean, kids picking on her.
She never made it to her prom.

Some guy comes by, picks her up
and heaves her into the ocean.

I don't think the joke is funny.

It's a made-up thing.

- You gave her a whole back-story.
- Maybe she did go to her prom.

- There are people like that.
GEORGIA: I know.

Don't rationalize like that.
No joke's funny if you dissect it.

High or low tide? How'd she get
there? The questions are endless.

Renee wants to know
if lunch is still on...

...or if you'd rather use the hour
to make dresses from drapes?

Richard, fasten your eye sockets,
you have a delivery.

Go ahead.

Certified.

Absolutely.

Here you go.

My great-aunt said if you stare at
a beautiful woman too long...

...you turn to stone.

She was partially right.

That would be a Fishism or
one of those boy jokes?

- What?
- She's suing us!

- What?
- Sexual harassment.

- Everybody sues me for this!
- Let me see.

I can't keep coming in here to be
served. This is ridiculous!

Maybe you deserve this, everyone
gawking at her. I can't blame her.

She's not suing the men.

- It's the women.
- What?

The allegation is that the women
don't like the way she dresses.

- What? Can she sue for that?
- I think she can.

There's a ruling on
same-sex harassment this fall.

- That means gay harassment?
- No, it doesn't.

If you accept the theory of hostile
working environment, she has a case.

She is getting hostile treatment
because she's deemed too sexy.

Should it be any different because
the hostility is coming from women?

Let me meet with her lawyer.

- She never made any demands?
- Not to me.

She can't prove you had notice
of hostile environment.

She'll argue "constructive notice."

You must give the employer a chance
to fix the problem. She didn't.

- I'll go see her lawyer.
- Ridiculous!

That's what happens when you start
reducing women to body parts.

- I don't like my butt.
- This outfit looks great on you.

- It's too conservative for a date.
- The rabbi will think it's Reformed.

I've never dated a rabbi before.
I hope he's more fun than the priest.

Tell him my joke.
That will loosen up his little beanie.

- Beanie? Renee, it's a yarmulke.
- Yarmulke.

Tell him my joke,
I bet he'd laugh.

Your joke is repulsive.

It is funny!

If I told it in a room of people,
you'd be the only one not laughing.

- Okay, let's prove it.
- How?

At the bar. Tell your joke.
I dare you.

At the bar?

If it's funny, put your microphone
where your mouth is.

All right, I tell you what:

I'll tell my joke at the bar. If they
laugh, you'll tell your flea joke.

Forget it.

See, as usual,
in the end you backed out.

And you're worried this outfit
makes you seem more conservative?

Okay. You get up at that bar
and tell the same joke...

...and if people laugh,
a real good laugh...

...then I will tell
my flea joke.

You got a bet.

- Good.
- Good.

You?

- You represented the ones you're suing.
- I'm flexible.

- Listen, Miss...
- Call me Caroline, please.

We're talking
huge conflicts of interest here.

I've made my client
aware of the conflicts, thanks.

- Miss Poop...
- I asked you to call me Caroline.

Well, this is more than just
a conflict.

- This is about the women's behavior.
- So?

You fostered that
by representing the women!

- So?
- So?

I'm not the plaintiff,
Jennifer Higgins is.

That's her name in case
you didn't realize.

And I'm not suing Elaine or the women.
I'm suing the employer. You.

I hate to sap any of the fun,
but I plan to enjoy myself.

Oh. Mm-hm.

Bye.

Ally, I'm glad you're here.
New firm policy:

Anybody who sues this firm
or me personally...

...we drop everything...

...and devote all our efforts
to ruining that person's life.

Are we clear? Not just getting even.
Retribution? Not strong enough.

Ruin!
That's the goal.

Irreversible, irreparable,
irrational ruin!

New firm policy.

Can we disqualify the lawyer?

She disclosed the conflict
of interest.

She isn't so hysterical.

The women's hostility was notorious.
She might make constructive notice.

She'll waive notice
if she goes first.

- Who does she want to depose?
- Elaine.

That's a conflict of interest.
She represented Elaine.

- We are wasting our time.
- We shouldn't want to disqualify her.

I want to know why.

She's lazy. Look how she ended last
week's lawsuit. She doesn't prepare.

- It'll be harder with another lawyer.
- She's right.

- You, first-chair. You are neutral.
- I'm not handling this case.

Why not?

It's too close to home.

She was victimized because the women
thought she looked too sexy.

I relate,
and I don't want to go there.

- The second reason?
- Who said I had one?

The first one stinks.
You must have a backup.

- My first reason is enough.
- Just in case it loses steam.

- That lawyer.
- Poop?

Yes, Poop!

- She hit on me.
- What?

She did.

- With a look.
- A look?

Billy, there's one thing I know,
it's when I'm being hit on.

Part of me thinks
she has a case.

But all these laws overprotect us,
make us look like victims.

- Elaine is being deposed today?
- We're dead. We'll settle soon.

What if she wants to sink the firm?
She lost a lawsuit and could get even.

We considered that,
but it's not in Elaine's character.

She can't resist being helpful.
That's when she does all the damage.

We'll be done at 5.

Lots of time to get to the bar
and hear you tell your joke.

- Do I look scared?
- No, and I know why.

Even if you don't get a laugh,
you still get on stage.

That satisfies your
inner-exhibitionist self.

What?

I looked it up: Jokes and
Their Relation to the Unconscious.

- Freud?
- Oh, wait...

"One who tells dirty jokes...

...has concealed inclinations
to exhibitionism."

- Give me that.
- There's more.

"The ones best at dirty jokes have
a sadistic side to their sexuality."

- He was the biggest sex perv going.
- Freud?

It was all about sex with Freud.

Little spanker didn't walk
without a hand holding his id.

- That spanker invented psychoanalysis.
- Which obviously makes him your hero.

Psychoanalysis came to him
in a wet dream.

- Pardon the pun.
- It did not.

"Irma's Injection"
was an erotic dream.

Don't be whippin' Freud out with me.
I got that guy sussed.

I never glanced at her unkindly.

You stated,
"She came to work...

...dressed to arouse
the male personnel."

In paragraph 7, you say she willfully
attempted to sexually stimulate them?

Well, a lot of us do that.

But the key is to be subtle, so the
men don't realize what we're doing.

You don't blame her
for dressing this way?

Certainly not.

And yet you and the other women
were angry enough to sue?

Because the men
were acting like pigs.

- So you were angry at the men?
- Correct.

You had no anger at the woman
causing this behavior.

Correct.

- She was an innocent.
- Correct.

- You two could even be friends?
- Correct.

But your lawsuit demands
she be terminated.

That was an alternative.

The first demand was that she stop
walking around in her slutty way.

"Her slutty way."
So you have no hostility towards her?

I dress slutty. Just understated.
Moderately slutty.

I see. Do you make room
for the possibility...

- that with women whispering
she's slutty...

...with women suing her
because she oozes sexuality...

- do you make room for the
possibility she might feel oppressed?

If she felt that way,
she shouldn't dress like that...

...flaunting her big alabaster buoys
in everybody's faces.

- I did not ambush the firm!
- Elaine, get out!

- I'd like to account for my testimony.
- You're accounted for. Shoo!

We've got a motion
to dismiss pending.

We have to establish she
didn't feel harassed.

- You want me to do it?
- Ally, you.

- Me?
- She'll turtle against Billy.

You got that
Julie Andrews thing going.

- Did someone tell you to say that?
- Say what?

If I tremble when I'm by your side

He wouldn't pluck Julie Andrews
out of thin air. You told him.

- I swear I didn't.
ALLY: Oh, right.

After this song, up I go.

- Maybe we should call it off.
- Too late, I'm ready.

What if it bombs?

If it bombs, I'll tell her
flea joke, which is no less dirty.

Oh please, my joke is ribald.
Yours is disgusting.

- Ribald?
- Yes, ribald.

Who goes to Freud
to understand limericks...

...uses "ribald"
and dates rabbis?

Julie Andrews!

VONDA:
Can I have your attention!

Moment of truth.
I'm on.

I've been asked to take a break so
somebody can tell you a joke.

That somebody would be me!

But first, let's take a moment
to give it up to Vonda Shepard!

She's here every day
singing for us!

God, she's comfortable up there!

And I noticed we are here every day,
too. Same people and faces.

Lawyers, stockbrokers, twins.

Can we give it up
for the dancing twins, please?

This is not fair.
She's warming up the crowd.

RENEE: I came up here,
because looking at all these faces...

...suits and ties and coats, boring
jobs. I see it in your expressions.

And I thought,
this crowd needs something.

- All right, what?
- We need to laugh.

What we need is
one good, dirty joke.

Disgusting dirty.

Anybody feel
they could use that kind of joke?

Yeah!

I'm talking filthy!

This is all under protest now.
This is a warm-up act.

- They still have to laugh at the joke.
- And I won't.

A man is walking down...

...a beautiful beach, sunset,
pretty colors, nobody's around.

And he spots this girl.
No arms, no legs, just a torso.

She's crying.
So he asks her why.

She says, "I'm 21, no arms, no legs,
and I've never been kissed."

He bends down and gives her
the sweetest kiss.

She says, "Thank you."
He says, "You're welcome," and leaves.

He hears her crying again.
"What's the matter now?"

She says, "I'm 21, no arms, no legs
and I've never been screwed."

So he picks her up,
throws her into the ocean...

...and says,
"You're screwed now, baby!"

- You cheated!
- What do you mean?

You did a warm-up, and on the
punch line, you did a butt waggle.

- And it wasn't even the same joke.
- What do you mean?

Before, it was,
"you're screwed now."

Tonight, you added a butt waggle and
you said, "You're screwed now, baby!"

That's much funnier. And I would have
laughed at that, maybe. "Baby" is...

I was good, the butt waggle
was funny, and "Baby"...

..."Baby" just...

Renee, part of being a best, best,
best friend...

...is not making your best friend
do something you know...

...would be very painful.

- I know that.
- And I was thinking that...

...maybe I could pay off
this bet with money, or...

...breakfast in bed,
for like a week.

Anything other than me having to
get up on stage and tell my flea joke.

Ally, when you're sweet like this,
it's almost impossible to say no.

- Almost.
- Please, I'll be your slave.

This time tomorrow night,
you're taking that stage.

- You really making me get up there?
- I am.

Try to act easy like Renee.
The crowd was having fun with her.

- Have you ever told a joke before?
- What do you mean? I'm funny!

I didn't mean you're not funny,
but standup comedy, that's...

- The steno here?
- Go on in. Let me get Richard.

Fine.

- Did you see that? She looked at me!
- Poop is married, she's not gay.

- Then why does she look at me?
- I don't know. I don't know anything.

- What's that supposed to mean?
- You thought that joke was sick?

- They laughed hard, Georgia.
- The men laughed.

The women were more amused by
Renee's performance. The boys.

- Why do men like sick jokes?
- I think they're just...

- Sicker?
- Yeah.

What, specifically,
did you perceive as hostile?

Well, the looks, I guess.

- The looks.
- Yes.

- The looks from the men or the women?
- The women.

- How would they look at you?
- Mean.

- Mean?
- Yes.

Can you describe what about them
made them seem mean?

I can't really describe it,
I just felt it.

If I could just get Barbara Walters
to ask the questions.

Tell us about the dwinking and
the twouble it's caused.

I just drink and drink, because
I was sexually fondled by my uncles.

Do you have weegrets?

When they looked at you mean,
did they squint?

Look something like this?

No.

- How was the mean look different?
- It wasn't really, I guess. But...

...when they filed that lawsuit saying
they hate the way I dress and look...

...I had to assume they weren't
looking at me to become friends.

When they filed that lawsuit,
that's when you felt the hostility?

Okay, that's all.

Thank you.

Thanks.

You were supposed to tear her up.
I'm nothing if not disappointed.

- Where are we on the motion?
- Tomorrow. I sort of agree with him.

How do we dismiss the claim if she
doesn't say she didn't feel harassed?

She wasn't going to give us that.

Without cracking the plaintiff:
What are we going to take to dismiss?

I got it covered, Richard.

- She wasn't very good, was she?
- She did seem a little gentle.

- Maybe she can't be objective.
- How do you mean?

Well, she is one.

- One what?
- A woman.

- On harassment, they don't see.
- Women?

Yes.

- Do you have a Fishism on this?
- No.

Women, as a rule,
hate pretty women.

Women, as a rule also, sympathize
with other women victims.

- Are you with me?
- I'm doing my best.

Women want other women destroyed,
but they won't do it themselves.

If you find a way to word it cleverly,
it could be a Fishism.

You've got a smile so bright

You know you could've been a candle

If you were my friend,
you'd call this off.

We'll laugh about it tomorrow.
I doubt anybody will laugh tonight.

My joke is funnier than yours
and less gross!

- What's going on, Georgia?
- I get approached by gay women a lot.

Caroline Poop is not gay.

I think it's my voice.
My voice is kind of deep.

- You have the sexiest voice!
- But it is a little deep.

So?

So, I think gay women
think that comes...

...from a chromosome
or some gene.

Maybe that's why they think
I could be gay.

I don't know.

- Fish touched my neck the other day.
- What?

He made it seem like an accident,
but I know it was on purpose.

I think he was checking
if I had an Adam's apple.

He touched your neck?

- You have my laugh, no matter what.
- Thank you, Elaine.

The song is ending.

- Will you go up with me and waggle?
- Next time.

- Hey guys, just in time!
- I'm so glad you're here.

- I wouldn't miss this.
- Thank you.

Last night we took a break for a joke.
It went so well, we'll do it again.

Oh, my God!

If you don't have fun, the audience
can't. Whatever happens, enjoy.

- We will!
- Quiet!

Ally, are you out there?

Big smile.

The hills are alive
with the sound of music...

- This is really, really cruel.
- Try to cope, Elaine.

ALLY:
Okay, thank you.

I was here last night
when Renee Radick told that joke.

And I see a lot of you were here, too.
Wasn't she great?

Renee, stand up.
Take a bow!

That little bitch!

She's just being shy,
but she really is there.

She dared me to tell a dirty joke.
She didn't think I could do it.

- You think I can do it?
- No!

Good! I'm glad you think that.
Because you know what?

One of the last vestiges
of gender bias is the dirty joke.

Men can handle it, women can't.
We're not tough enough.

We're too...
We're too...

Decent.
Fragile. Well, let's see.

Here we go.
And by the way: My joke, true story.

Two little fleas...

...they meet at a bar in Florida.

They vacation together all the time.

One year, the second little flea
arrives, and he's freezing cold.

And he says, "Ooh, ooh...

...I was just zooming down from Jersey
in a guy's mustache on a motorcycle...

...and I am frozen!"

And the first flea says, "Well, that
is no way to come down to Florida.

You go into an airport bar,
you have a few drinks.

You find a beautiful stewardess, you
climb up her leg, you nestle right...

...in her warm, soft...
you know what I mean?

You get a good night's sleep,
and you wake up in Florida.

Now that is the way to travel!"

A year goes by, vacation comes. The
second flea arrives. Freezing again.

The first flea goes: "Why are you
cold? Didn't you do what I said?"

"I went to a bar,
I had a couple drinks...

...I crawled up the leg
of a stewardess...

...I nestled in and passed out
all snuggled up.

Next thing you know, I'm in the
mustache of some guy on a motorcycle."

[CROWD MUMBLES]

Oh, come on.

This, they think is funny.

Let's hear it for Vonda!

Sing!

Oh, God!

- I think it was funny. They just...
- Hated it.

With a good dirty joke,
it's got to be surprising.

The listener also has to have a sense
of what's coming. And with you...

...the way you look and your demeanor,
they weren't prepared for that filth.

Well, that clears it up.

I'm actually luckier than most.

I wake up each morning
glad to start a new day...

... grateful the last one is over.

3-2-6-6-6. Higgins versus
Cage & Fish Law Corporation.

- Caroline Poop for the plaintiff.
- Ally McBeal for the defendant.

Ms. McBeal, how delightful
you're still at large.

- How goes the potato-chip quest?
- Just smile. Pretend that was cute.

Your Honor, we have a motion
to dismiss the lawsuit.

We believe it fails
to state a claim.

We've submitted expedited
transcripts of two depositions.

They reveal Ms. Higgins was
subject to a hostile environment.

I'd ask you to review our brief,
particularly Fineman versus Adelstein.

Same-sex harassment cases are clearly
viable in the Commonwealth.

- Ms. McBeal?
- I agree.

You agree?

Sexual harassment shouldn't be limited
to opposite-sex situations.

I see. And why would we be here,
other than for you and I to catch up?

Ms. Higgins only felt harassed
as a result of the filed lawsuit.

Only after reading the complaint
did she feel they were hostile.

A complaint can't be the basis
of a sexual harassment claim.

There's qualified immunity
when it comes to pleadings.

According to her testimony, the only
bad treatment she got was being sued.

- A lawsuit has immunity.
- Miss Poop?

What?
This is a ridiculous technicality.

She was treated in a hostile manner
because they disliked how she dressed.

That it's in the form of a legal
pleading shouldn't make a difference.

Makes a difference to me. This case
is dismissed without prejudice.

- You can't kick a case like that.
- But I can.

And I just did.

- You had that up your sleeve?
- I keep punch lines close to my vest.

You were fantastic.
We're legally off the hook?

- We don't owe her anything?
- I didn't say that.

- Where can I find Richard Fish?
- Who are you representing now?

Funny.

I came to let him know that my client
will return to work soon.

No problem.

- Thank you.
- Hey!

I know what these looks are about,
and I don't like them.

- What looks?
- These looks! Like...

- Let's get together and watch Ellen.
- Is that what you think? I'm sorry.

Well, I have been looking at you,
but not for that.

Since childhood I've collected Barbie
dolls, and I never met a living one.

Working side by side with Skipper,
I'm just kind of blown away.

- Did she think you're a lesbian?
- No.

- What is it?
- It's worse.

- It's worse?
- Much.

So, what's going on?

- Did you touch Georgia's wattle?
- Excuse me?

- She said you touched her neck.
- Am I to be sued again?

I'm talking facts.
Did you fiddle with my wife's wattle?

I might have grazed it.
Bygones.

- No bygones.
- It wasn't in a sexual way.

I know your fetish.

- A neck isn't sexual for any of you.
- It is sexual for you, Richard!

You were touching my wife in
a sexual way. I don't appreciate it.

Okay.

It won't happen again.

I'll take that as a bygone.

- You want to still work here, you can.
- Really?

- Just like that?
- No... In my office.

ALLY: Richard!
- Excuse me.

- You shouldn't be speaking to her.
- I'm her employer, she's an employee.

And I am the counsel.
You should have a lawyer in the room.

- I am a lawyer.
- That case could come back.

With the things that roll
off your tongue...

...you shouldn't speak to her
without counsel.

Fine.

Ally wants to be here because
she thinks I'll say something stupid.

May I call you Jennifer?
That would be progress.

Sure.

You're a tall woman
with enormous breasts.

We men have considered you
an asset...

...and we stare at your assets.

- Maybe I should tell a joke.
- Ally, let me finish.

What I'm trying to say...

The women here are really angry at the
men, not you. And we're to blame.

I'll see to it that the men don't act
like idiots. And beyond that...

I apologize.

For all of us, especially me.

You deserve a lot more respect
than we've given you.

Thank you.

That's all.

Go deliver something.

You can go.

What? Don't you have
other work to do?

We should have some cases
where we're not the defendants.

I started a joke

Which started the whole world crying

A rabbi?

We're going out tomorrow night.
I got new clothes.

I like to remake myself...

...every new relationship.
- Got it.

- Come on, I love this song.
- Georgia...

- I'll go.
- Don't even think about her wattle.

Promise. Bygones.

I feel like some of the people here
are looking at me different.

Like I'm nasty or something.

- And you like that?
- I do.

Do you think this rabbi guy
could work out?

If it did, he'd probably
make me convert.

- You wouldn't do that.
- Give up Christmas?

I got to go.
I got to meet Renee.

I'm hardening up. Kicked Poop's butt.
Told a dirty joke on stage.

I think I'm ready to be released
into the real world, don't you?

- I'm hardening up.
- Yep.

Here's to the hard you.

OLD LADY:
You stinker!

Subtitles by
SDI Media Group

[ENGLISH SDH]