Ally McBeal (1997–2002): Season 1, Episode 11 - Silver Bells - full transcript

- I can't sing.
- You and Georgia will back me up.

- Backup for you, like Ikettes?
- We all sing at the Christmas party.

We rent the bar for rehearsal.

- We sing at the party?
- We'll discuss it later.

I may have something big.
I need to see you and John right away.

They talk about you being lugubrious.

I hoped you could squash it with a
number. I'm looking out for you.

Thank you, Elaine.
You touch me.

Ikettes!

- You want what?
- That we be allowed to marry.

- All three of you?
- Yes.



That's not something
you can do, legally.

I'm a lawyer, and so is Patti.

We're partners already, with children.
And Patti's already changed her name.

But we want our union
to be recognized by the law.

This is a test case, and we think you
are the perfect attorneys for it.

- Why?
- Whipper likes John's legal mind...

...and your sense of romance.

The issue's ripe.
I'd argue it, but we're fornicating.

- What do you say?
- I say no.

Well, splendid.
You're in good hands.

- Richard!
- Ally.

Richard!

Usually it's all about money.
This time, it's piles of money.

I have a problem championing
the rights of a threesome.



The case landed on Whipper's docket
because I asked her to take it.

They think we've influence with
the Whip. I all but promised it.

The argument's viable, legally.

How can we say no?
It's Christmas!

VONDA SINGS:
I've been down this road

Silver Bells

Walking the line
That's painted by pride

And I have made mistakes in my life

That I just can 't hide

Oh, I believe I am ready

For what love has to bring

I got myself together

Now I'm ready to sing

I've been searching my soul tonight

I know there's so much more to life

Now I know I can shine a light

To find my way back home

Oh, baby, yeah

Oh, yeah

Two children are by Mindy and me.
And our third is by all three of us.

What do you mean, all three?

James fertilized Patti's egg.
It was implanted in me.

ALLY:
Sorry.

Obviously, this has no precedent.

The definition
of the nuclear family is evolving.

The time is coming
for it to start.

ALLY: And it has to start with me.

ALLY: You carry this. You're an
unorthodox arguments whiz...

ALLY:
...and this one is so you.

JOHN: Okay, but Richard's right,
your presence is vital.

Why?

Because in concept it will seem
conventionally unromantic.

Your presence will take the
curse off that with Whipper.

And I've emerged
without my trousers.

JOHN:
Chagrined.

- Will I what?
- Sing at our Christmas party.

Ally says you have a great voice...

- I do.
- And I thought you and Georgia...

I love that suit. Have you thought
of putting your baritone to a beat?

- I'm not singing backup for you.
- I don't sing backup for anybody.

This is for Christmas. Jesus Christ,
our Lord Savior, was born.

It kills me how everybody
is so "me, me, me."

I can't go shopping
and I have to push back lunch.

- Now Richard wants me in court too.
- He does?

Strength in numbers,
given what we're arguing.

Wait, why are you on the stage?

It's rehearsal to check equipment.
Why aren't you singing a carol?

I pay for this.
I can sing what I want.

This will be the third year
you sing an "Ode to Whipper."

She wants a ring,
not a medley.

Thank you.
Your counsel is a comfort.

I'll dye my roots
to profit from your tutelage.

You and Whipper barely survived
the last two Christmases.

If you can't admit the problem to me,
fine. But admit it to yourself...

...or you might not celebrate
together next year.

- Do they... as a threesome?
- Evidently not.

There's nothing kinky,
it's heterosexual, one-on-one sex.

I guess the women
take turns being too tired.

I don't get it!
A penis is not a share toy!

Don't say "penis," Renee.

It's a man thing, m?nage ? trois.
It's like a harem fetish.

No, he's either with one or the other,
but never with both.

ALLY: What will we do?
- We have two options:

- Science or emotion.
- What's the difference?

Anthropological studies say that man,
by nature, needs many partners...

...spreading his seed, for the
survivability of humanity.

Emotion says to follow his heart.
He doesn't love one female for long.

Personally, I lean toward science.
What are your thoughts?

I appreciate not rushing
with your answers.

- Do you believe that... science?
- Yes.

Men can't stay attracted to one female
for long. That's a science?

Sexual attraction is all chemical.
At some point...

...one stops making the chemical for
one's partner. It quells sex drive.

Adult videos, lingerie.
They treat the symptoms, but...

What a sad way to look at love.

Married couples cannot maintain
frisk for one another.

Yeah. It troubles me.

I was married to Mindy
eight years when Patti and l...

- You and Patti work in the same firm?
- Yes.

- And you fell in love with Patti?
- I did.

- You weren't in love with Mindy?
- Well, my marriage did seem dead.

It was meeting Patti.
I fell in love with her.

I couldn't leave. I loved Mindy too.
And she's the mother of my children.

You were in love with two women?

I could tear things apart
or bring everything together.

The three of us sat down and talked,
and we decided to try this.

- The three of you.
- Yes. That was two years ago.

Patti and Mindy have become close, and
we decided to have a child together.

And that justifies being joined in
matrimony? As a threesome?

We're a family. Conventional? No.
But we're happy and devoted.

The kids live in a home with love
and trust and security.

How many people can make
the same claim?

At first I was devastated.
My husband having an affair.

- I was destroyed.
- How did you respond?

MINDY:
I cried for two weeks.

It was so painful because...

...it happened when our relationship
seemed stronger than ever.

- While he was with another woman?
MINDY: I didn't know that.

MINDY: We were laughing again,
talking, affectionate.

That had been missing for a long time.
Sex too.

You were laughing, talking and having
more sex once he started this affair?

- Strangely enough.
JOHN: Why, do you think?

MINDY: His relationship with Patti
opened him up.

Maybe that helped
my relationship with him.

GEORGIA: It almost made sense.
- What if he wanted four or five wives?

- We should allow polygamy if it works?
- No, but...

What's wrong?
Something's bothering you.

You and I.

These past few months
you're relaxed...

...more intimate.

- We're...
- What? We're what?

This is the best we've ever been.
Sexually, emotionally.

- Ever since Ally came here.
- I beg your pardon?

You've been less... repressed.

Because of Ally? That's good.
I should write this down.

- It's not that ridiculous.
- Yes, it is.

You think there is something
between me and Ally?

Of course there is.
Maybe not sexual...

...but we know there's
something going on, and...

And what?

And maybe I'm able to live
with it because you have been...

- I don't know.
- You do know, obviously. Tell me.

I don't think you're being unfaithful.

I think there are little pockets of
intimacy you can't get to with me...

...that you do get to with her. As
a result, you feel less...

- Repressed.
- That's the best word: Repressed.

Because of it,
we have been more intimate.

Ally has been good for us
and it pisses me off.

- That's...
- Crazy. I know.

- I've got them.
- Excuse me?

- Ikettes, to sing backup for my song.
- You got the Ikettes?

Not real, but they're sexy and black,
and accent my sensuality.

So, I'm off the hook then?

- Question Patti on the stand.
- Whipper's on the fence, even.

She needs a nudge
from a romantic idealist.

Problem is, she can read me
no matter what I say in there.

Well...

Is it the idea, two women, one man?

Were you swayed
by Mindy's testimony?

Her husband brings another woman
into the home.

To live there.

ELAINE:
One, two, three, four.

I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus
Last night

I saw Mommy

Kissing Santa Claus last night

Hello! Hip atrophy?
We need to sex it up a little bit.

- It's just rehearsal.
- The party is Friday.

Are you ready, boys?
One, two, three, four.

I saw Mommy

Kissing Santa Claus last night

If she caught her mother with Santa,
she'd tell her father.

In a second.

- What are you going to sing, Renee?
- I'm not sure yet.

But you don't want to follow me.
Trust that.

Last night, last night

She didn 't see me creep

- She said that?
- Yeah.

- Well, it's...
- Silly. And true.

Well, it's not that huge of a...

- You know Steve Schwinn?
- Yeah.

He said his marriage got better
when his wife went to therapy.

Not that she went to counseling
because of the marriage.

But talking to somebody else,
she felt like it decompressed her.

Feeling you're heard by anybody...

...helps relations with everybody.
- I read that once.

And having a solid friendship
pays dividends at work, at home...

All over.

I think our friendship
makes us both stronger.

- Don't you?
- Yes.

And it's just a coincidence
we used to be lovers.

- What?
- Nothing.

What?

I don't plan to
break up your marriage...

...but I'm not thrilled to be the best
thing that happened to it.

- Home? Separate homes?
- I'm tired.

Christmas fatigue on the 15th?

Why are you depressed every holiday?

Is it more fun bringing everyone down
when their spirits are higher?

Keep digging, Nuckie.
We'll be nose to nose any second.

Oh. Hmm.

I have a buddy who's a chiropractor.
Business triples in December.

You know why?
Neck injuries.

I can't tell where it's going,
but it sounds like a good one.

People take stock at the holidays,
see what's there and what's missing.

All that craning,
they get sore necks.

You want to be happy?
Don't look around.

Happiness can be found
in one word: Denial.

Happiness is going to bed with
something more secure than a Fishism.

Look...

...Whipper...

...do you want me to marry you?
I'll marry you.

What's the big deal?

We love each other.
We're together.

What's so important about marriage?
What's it mean?

It must mean something,
if you're so afraid of it.

Isn't it obvious?
She's feeling insecure.

- Why does she impose on me?
- She's your girlfriend.

- Why do single women feel unhappy?
- Men are miserable after marriage!

- What was that?
- Nothing.

Billy's never been happier.

That isn't true.
I have definitely seen him happier.

Oh, God.

- He told you about our conversation.
- What conversation?

- Cappuccinos?
- Don't you wish.

She told her that you told her
about what she told you.

- Ally.
- Billy.

- Bygones.
- Quiet!

You and I need to talk.
The three of us need to talk.

- Can I just apologize and be excused?
- No!

- We are going in a room together.
- I can take minutes.

- Do you sniff trouble and seek it out?
- Yes, and try to complicate it.

- Excuse me.
- What?!

We're late for court.

- I am the evil other woman.
- You wear the badge proudly.

I work. I wanted a family.
I didn't want a nanny.

It sounds nuts, but I'm marrying
the mother of my children.

- It does sound nuts.
- You don't have to tell me.

- I didn't grow up picturing this.
- But the picture has changed?

Yeah.

Uh...

You sound sad with that answer.

I grew up with the same dreams
as everybody else.

I dreamed of my wedding day,
my little house, my garden.

It didn't work according to plan.

But you know what?

It did work.

I know it's just a holiday phase.

- The point of Christmas cheer is what?
- Cheer.

Exactly. All she wants under
that tree is a picket fence.

[SIGHS]

- I'm drawn to her.
- Whipper?

Ally. I'm drawn to her.

I'm tempted to invite her to
the party as my date.

We spoke of it once and she...
She kissed me under the mistletoe.

The moment was full of ambiguity,
but I did sense an overture.

Then ask her, it's a good time.
She's saying yes to everybody.

- I'm not good asking women out.
- There's not much to it, John.

The way you prepare
for negotiating sessions, do that.

Just demand money?

Go in as if you're the world's
strongest man.

Except instead of being battle-ready,
you just adjust it.

But what you keep is the idea that
you feel good about yourself.

Even if it's a lie.

Somebody has to start.
Since you called the meeting...

I'll start by protesting that I'm
in the middle of this.

I second that.
I protest you being in the middle.

- Who's under attack, me or him?
- What are you so angry about?

I'm angry that to discuss our marriage
I've got to have her in the room.

I'm angry because I don't know
who to blame.

Because I like you better since
she came back into your life!

Because somehow she has made
you and I closer!

Because I'm not sure I want
her out of your life!

Because I don't know how to
handle this, and on top of it all...

...I like her, damn it!
I'm angry about that too.

Okay...

I'm glad that we cleared the air
and bye.

Get back here! We need to
get honest with each other.

Spouses, ex-girlfriends. It doesn't
call for honesty, but for pretending.

Which I was capable of. But you, me
and him being in this office together?

Some things I've heard in this trial
are going on here.

- She's made you more emotionally open.
- I don't deny it for a second.

ALLY: Should've denied it!

Look...

I am getting out of this room.

If my friendship with him has improved
your relationship, it doesn't matter.

Whatever you two decide
to do about that...

...I shouldn't be in this room.

I'm sorry.

Please disregard that one.

I saw Mommy

Tickle Santa Claus

Underneath his beard

- She's not bad.
- We'll be better.

Oh, what a laugh it would have been

If Daddy had only seen

Mommy kissing Santa Claus

- Is it close?
- Lf we win, I'll kill myself.

Three-way marriage. All I believe in,
I don't care if it's a giant myth.

Ally, you grew up dreaming you
would be a mother with a career.

Maybe a three-way is what
you dreamed about.

Oh.

- Good night, honey.
- Good night.

Relationships should be in twos.
Or at least in even numbers.

Why do we need to marry anyway? It's
not security. Men are insecure too.

Being unmarried isn't a stigma to men.
Eligible bachelor, old maid.

Society drills into us that women be
married, smart people have careers...

...women have babies
and mothers stay at home.

Society condemns working mothers
that don't stay at home.

What chance do we have
when society keeps on drilling us?

We could change it.

There are more women than men.
If they wanted, they could change it.

I plan to change it.

I just want to get married first!

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Uh...

Your Honor.

I'm sorry for the intrusion.

- Would you mind if I came in?
- No.

- Honey!
- I didn't mean to disturb anybody.

- Is something the matter?
WHIPPER: No.

I just came to get a peek
at your home.

I'm sorry.

I don't want to bother anyone.
Good night.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

- Did you ask her?
- I'm still steeling myself.

Strong, assured, fresh, bold.

You just described a breath mint.

- I don't know what else to say.
- I gathered that.

All last night and today
you don't know what else to say.

I'm inclined to think you have
nothing else to say.

If you tell me to dial back friendship
with Ally, I will do it.

If it's a threat, I'll do it,
whether you ask me to or not.

Maybe I should leave this firm.
That's the easiest solution.

I don't want that.

I want to completely trust you.

You don't now?

No.

Are you technically faithful? Yes.

Are you totally faithful?

No.

When you go to her and repeat things
I have said to you...

...when you go to her
as a sounding board...

...for stuff that involves us...

...that is not fidelity.

She understands that.
Why can't you?

But even...

...when using her as a sounding board
helps us, as you said...?

I need to feel that...

...whatever our successes
or failures...

...she's got no part of them.

I get that.

- Ally?
- Hey, John.

May I be so bold as to
ask you something?

Sure.

Sure, but...

...before you do, your fly...

JOHN:
Chagrined.

- You think Whipper will rule today?
- She implied she would.

Umm...

Listen, Ally, about the party...

...would you go as my date?

Well...

John, I've actually been thinking
about that.

You are my boss.

- I understand.
- You see, it's...

I understand.

ELAINE SINGS:
I saw Mommy

Kissing Santa Claus last night

I saw Mommy

Kissing Santa Claus

- Look at her! Is this pop?
- It's like '70s slut-rock.

RICHARD:
I like it.

- Where's Whipper?
- She should be here any...

[PAGER BEEPS]

John Cage.

- What's he want?
- You.

- Whipper has a verdict.
- Now? Tonight?

She's doing it
to kill the party.

I'll go with you.
The Biscuit will meet you there.

Underneath the beard

So snowy white

Oh, what a laugh it would have been

If Daddy had only seen

Mommy kissing Santa Claus

Last night

I've been married twice.
Both marriages failed miserably.

WHIPPER: When I went to your home,
I saw something I never had.

WHIPPER:
Something I still want.

There's no reason for the Commonwealth
not to recognize a union of three.

WHIPPER:
What's the big deal?

I know the institution of marriage
is changing.

I know there are a lot of people who
may not consider it a sanctity...

...but I also know this isn't
an erosion I'll contribute to.

You may be right,
but you picked the wrong judge.

Plaintiff's motion denied.

- We tried.
- Yeah.

- I'm sorry.
- Yeah.

- She, just, you know...
- Made the right decision?

RICHARD:
Hey.

There's a rumor
that you're naked under that robe.

- Hi, Richard.
- I'm singing a song for you tonight.

- It'll be our best party yet.
- That's nice.

We laugh together.
We love together.

Why introduce the notion
it'll work out?

That's a holiday Fishism.

- I'm afraid.
- Of what?

My parents.

All they did was fight. Scream.

I grew up in my room wearing
headphones...

...blaring music so I wouldn't hear.

My heart actually quickened
at the end of songs...

...'cause I knew that during the little
gap I'd be able to hear them.

- You equate marriage with that?
- I equate dependence with that.

Whipper, the fact that you're so
much older than me...

It, uh...

I chirp so proudly, "Doesn't matter."
It does.

It's an automatic defense.

The age difference
can't lead to permanence.

There's a guardrail from day one.

That aside...

...I love you.

- I don't work well with guardrails.
- Yeah, I know.

We could get...

...I don't know,
some counseling.

Or I could get it.

But for now...

...let's just...

...let's get through Christmas, okay?

Sure. Let's get through Christmas.

VONDA & RENEE SING:
Santa Claus is coming

Santa Claus is coming

Santa Claus is coming

To town

Oh, you better watch out,
You better not cry

Better not pout I'm telling you why

- I really thought we'd win.
- Marriages should be twos, not threes.

We thought you'd handle the appeal.

- I'm sorry if I seemed a lunatic.
- No, you didn't.

The truth is that I use him.

- What?
- Billy.

When I feel insecure or unsteady...

...I grab ahold of things
that steady me.

- Billy does that.
- I know.

The weird thing is, so do you.

- Me?
- Sometimes. I admire you, Georgia.

How awful!

- Here's to you, Barbie.
- To you, Skipper.

He knows when you've been bad or good

So be good, for goodness ' sake

The party's happening.

I'll be down shortly.

You know, for Mindy...

...her only chance to hold on
to her children's father...

...was saying yes to this arrangement
with Patti.

This I know.

- Well, did she tell you that?
- She didn't have to.

John...

...let's go to the party as dates.
- Your first instinct was correct.

Well, umm...

I'd like to go with my current one.

Maybe a glass of wine up here.

- Noise troubles me.
- Wouldn't you like to dance?

Oh...

I'm not rhythmic.

- Maybe a slow dance.
- Well...

It isn't like dancing at all.

It's two people leaning
on each other.

As if they'd fall down
without the other to hold on to.

It's very "Christmas."

- Do you know that you're odd?
- I do.

RICHARD:
I don 't remember what day it was

I didn 't notice what time it was

All I know is that

I fell in love with you

And if all my dreams come true

I'll be spending time with you

- You didn't say what you do.
- I run a network.

That's a good one.

Every time I kiss your lips

My mind starts to wonder

And if all my dreams come true

I'll be spending time with you

I love you more today than yesterday

But not as much as tomorrow

I love you more today than yesterday

But darling not as much as

Tomorrow

Tomorrow

To me, the meaning of Christmas
has always been Santa.

Still is.

You're allowed to believe in things
you know don't exist.

I believed in him until I was 12.
I wouldn't give it up.

- What made you stop?
- My mother.

She told me he fondled the elves.

Some therapist said to undermine
my admiration for him.

Next year she said he died.
Heart attack. Cholesterol.

I blamed myself for leaving cookies.

Fat man trying to squeeze
through a narrow chimney...

...and I taunt him with Oreos
and a glass of whole milk.

And you call me odd.

VONDA SINGS:
Bells will be ringing

The glad, glad news

Oh, what a Christmas

To have the blues

My baby's gone

And I have no friends

ALLY: The other thing about slow
dancing is the surrender of it all.

ALLY:
Sometimes people need to surrender.

Singing Silent Night

OLD LADY:
You stinker!

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