'Allo 'Allo (1982–1992): Season 6, Episode 7 - Crabtree's Podgeon Pist - full transcript

( theme music playing )

YOU MAY THINK IT STRANGE
THAT I, RENE ARTOIS,

SHOULD BE BREAKING
INTO MY OWN CAFE

AT THE DEAD OF NIGHT
DRESSED AS A PRIEST.

THERE IS, OF COURSE,
A VERY GOOD REASON FOR THIS.

IN THIS DISGUISE
I INTENDED TO RECEIVE,

THROUGH THE WINDOW
OF THE CONFESSIONAL BOX,

A BAR OF GOLD
FROM COLONEL VON STROM.

IN RETURN I WAS SUPPOSED
TO GIVE HIM THIS BUNDLE OF FORGED BANK NOTES.

UNFORTUNATELY,
THE REAL PRIEST RETURNED UNEXPECTEDLY.

AND SO ALL I WAS
ABLE TO DO WAS TO HEAR MY WIFE EDITH CONFESS



THAT SHE SUSPECTED
ME OF HAVING AFFAIRS WITH MY WAITRESSES.

NEEDLESS TO SAY
I ADMONISHED HER SEVERELY

FOR HAVING
SUCH BASELESS THOUGHTS

AND SENT HER BACK
WITH A FLEA IN HER EAR

AND 200 HAIL MARYS.

- AH!
- OH, RENE.

IT IS YOU.

HOLD ME TO YOU.
STOP ME TREMBLING WITH FEAR.

OH, RENE, I CAME DOWN
BECAUSE I THOUGHT

THERE WAS SOMETHING
STIRRING IN THE DARKNESS.

THERE IS.
IT IS ME.

- ( sighs )
- THANK HEAVENS YOU ARE SAFE.

CRUSH MY FRIGHTENED BODY
IN YOUR ARMS.

HUG THE FEAR OUT OF ME.



NOT WHILE I HAVE
THIS HAT ON.

OH, RENE.

OH, YVETTE.

RENE! WHAT ARE YOU
DOING IN YOUR UNDERWEAR

WITH THE SERVANT GIRL
IN HER NIGHTGOWN?!

YOU STUPID WOMAN!

I WAS JUST ABOUT
TO JOIN YOU UPSTAIRS

WHEN I HEARD A PROWLER
AND CAME TO INVESTIGATE.

DO YOU NOT REALIZE
IT IS A MORTAL SIN

TO HARBOR
SUCH JEALOUS THOUGHTS?

OH, YOU ARE RIGHT.

I AM SO FAR
FROM BEING PERFECT FOR YOU.

I MUST DRIVE OUT
THIS WICKEDNESS THAT IS WITHIN ME!

OUT! OUT,
WICKED THOUGHTS!

- OUT!
- EDITH, STOP IT!

THESE ARE 100 FRANCS
A DOZEN.

DO YOU THINK
I AM MADE OF MONEY?

NOW TAKE YOUR CANDLE
AND GO OFF TO BED.

YVETTE AND I WILL
LOCK UP. GO ON.

OH, RENE,

YOU ARE SUCH A FINE MAN.
I DO NOT DESERVE YOU.

GOODNESS SHINES
OUT OF YOUR NOBLE FACE.

- WILL YOU BE LONG?
- WELL, I WILL JUST READ A CHAPTER OR TWO

FROM THE GOOD BOOK
AND THEN I WILL BE WITH YOU.

OH, THAT WAS
A NARROW SQUEAK.

OH, LET US TAKE
THE GOLD NOW AND ESCAPE

- BEFORE OUR LUCK RUNS OUT.
- IT HAS ALREADY RUN OUT.

I HAD TO LEAVE THE CHURCH
BEFORE THE COLONEL ARRIVED WITH THE GOLD.

I STILL HAVE
THIS FORGED MONEY.

OH NO, WHAT ARE
WE GOING TO DO?

WELL, HOW LONG DOES IT
TAKE TO READ TWO CHAPTERS?

- OH RENE.
- OH YVETTE.

- ( knocks on door )
- OH! OH.

- WHAT'S HAPPENED?
- I THINK IT IS THE COLONEL.

Von Strom:
OPEN THE DOOR! WE KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE!

( bell dings )

UP AGAINST THE BAR.

HANDS UP!

WE HAVE-A BEEN-A DIDDLED!

THE COLONEL
HANDED OVER THE GOLD AND WE GOT NOTHING.

EXCEPT-A
THE HAIL-A THE MARYS.

THAT EXPLAINS
EVERYTHING.

I-I-I HAVE JUST HAD A VISIT
FROM A MAN OF THE CHURCH

WHO I DO NOT KNOW.
HE GAVE ME THIS MONEY,

SAYING, "GIVE THESE NOTES
UNTO THE MAN,

YEA, EVEN UNTO HE WHO GAVE
THE GOLD UNTO THE CHURCH,

VERILY."

HE MUST'VE
MEANT YOU, COLONEL.

RENE, I KNEW YOU
WOULD NOT LET US DOWN.

WELL, I WAS AS
MYSTIFIED AS YOU,

- BEING JUST
THE MAN IN BETWEEN. - ( knocks on door )

- ( Rene gasps )
- WHO'S THAT?

WE MUST NOT BE SEEN.
CAN WE USE THE BACK PASSAGE?

YES, OF COURSE.
TURN RIGHT OUTSIDE THE BACK DOOR.

SEE YOU LATER THEN?

- IT IS THE PRIEST.
- OH, HECK.

- ( bell dings )
- MY SON, I HAVE GOOD NEWS.

THIS NIGHT, THIS GOLD
WAS HANDED UNTO ME.

I WISH IT TO GO
TO THE RESISTANCE, WHO I DO NOT KNOW.

WELL, I DO NOT
KNOW THEM EITHER!

BUT I KNOW THAT YOU KNOW
SOMEONE WHO DOES KNOW THEM.

TAKE IT AND GO
IN PEACE, MY SON.

AND TRY TO KEEP
YOUR HANDS OFF THE SERVANTS.

I HAVE NOT CONFESSED
ANYTHING. HAVE YOU?

WELL, JUST A LITTLE BIT,

YOU KNOW, TO STOP HIM
FALLING ASLEEP.

OH, RENE, NOW THAT
WE HAVE THE GOLD,

LET US ESCAPE
TOGETHER NOW.

YVETTE, A SACRED TRUST
HAS BEEN HANDED UNTO ME.

BESIDES, THE LAST BUS
WENT FOUR HOURS AGO.

- Edith: RENE!
- UH, COMING, DEAR!

( clears throat )
♪ ALL THINGS BRIGHT AND BEAUTIFUL ♪

♪ ALL CREATURES
GREAT AND SMALL... ♪

HELGA IS HERE,
HERR FLICK.

- BRING HER IN.
- BRING HER IN HERE!

YOU SENT FOR ME,
HERR FLICK?

YOU WERE AT THE CASTLE
WHEN THE BRITISH AIRMEN

LEFT WITH THE OFFICERS
FROM BERLIN.

YES, HERR FLICK.

THEY WERE IN FACT
ABDUCTED BY THE RESISTANCE.

AT THE TIME,
YOU WERE SMOOCHING WITH CAPTAIN BERTORELLI

WHO WAS IN CHARGE
OF THE GUARD.

NOBODY NOTICED EXCEPT YOU.

PRECISELY.
I COULD KEEP QUIET,

PROVIDING YOU PROMISE NOT
TO SMOOCH WITH HIM AGAIN.

- I DID IT ONLY
TO MAKE YOU JEALOUS. - YOU SUCCEEDED.

HE CAME BACK HERE
AND HE JUMPED UP AND DOWN ON HIS GESTAPO HAT!

SILENCE, VON SMALLHAUSEN!
GO TO YOUR CUPBOARD.

HELGA, WE LIVE
IN DANGEROUS TIMES.

WE KNOW NOT
WHAT FATE HAS IN STORE.

ONE DAY THE GESTAPO
MAY BECOME UNPOPULAR.

- SURELY NOT.
- TO SAFEGUARD AGAINST THIS,

I HAVE DECIDED
TO SELL THE PORTRAIT OF THE FALLEN MADONNA

WITH THE BIG BOOBIES
BY VAN CLOMP FOR HARD CASH

IN CASE WE HAVE
TO MAKE A RUN FOR IT.

VON SMALLHAUSEN IS
MAKING AN EFFORT TO FIND A FENCE.

YOU, BEING A LANCE CORPORAL
AND MIXING WITH LOWLY AND INFERIOR PEOPLE,

MAY BE ABLE
TO BE OF ASSISTANCE.

I WILL DO
MY INSIGNIFICANT BEST TO HELP YOU, HERR FLICK.

- GOOD. YOU MAY KISS ME.
- LIKE WE DID IN THE OLD DAYS?

IF YOU INSIST.
TAKE OFF YOUR CLOTHES.

THAT IS SUFFICIENT.

I HAVE AN APPOINTMENT
AT THE HAIRDRESSER'S.

IT CAN WAIT.

RENE, MICHELLE WANTS YOU
IN THE BACKROOM.

OH HECK, WILL SHE
NEVER LEAVE US IN PEACE?

YVETTE, EDITH,
BACKROOM, COME ON.

NOW LOOK, MICHELLE,
EVERY SCHEME YOU HAVE EVER COME UP WITH

HAS BEEN SCREWED UP.
I REFUSE TO HIDE THE AIRMEN ANY LONGER.

I AM GOING TO
HAND THEM OVER TO THE GERMANS.

THERE WILL BE NO NEED.
WE HAVE A BOLD PLAN

TO GET THEM
BACK TO ENGLAND WHICH CANNOT FAIL.

EH, I HAVE HEARD
THAT BEFORE.

THIS MUST BE
A MOST UNUSUAL PLAN.

LOOK, DO NOT GET
SARCASTIC WITH ME.

YOU COME AND RUN
THE RESISTANCE AND I WILL STAY IN THE CAFE

AND SING...
OFF THE NOTE.

HOW DARE YOU!?

LADIES, LADIES, PLEASE.
THE STRAIN OF THE WAR HAS SHREDDED OUR NERVES.

LET US HEAR THE PLAN.

WE HAVE CAPTURED
A BRAND-NEW BARRAGE BALLOON.

WHEN THERE IS
A FAVORABLE WIND,

IT WILL BE
INFLATED AT NIGHT BEHIND YOUR CAFE.

IT WILL CARRY
THE AIRMEN TO ENGLAND.

A SPITFIRE
WILL THEN SHOOT IN IT A FEW SMALL HOLES

AND IT WILL DESCEND
GENTLY TO EARTH.

IT IS A DARING PLAN.

JUST A MINUTE.
DO YOU THINK FOR ONE SECOND THE GERMANS WILL NOT NOTICE

A DAMN GREAT BARRAGE BALLOON
IN MY BACK GARDEN?

THAT IS THE CLEVER BIT.

IT WILL BE DELIVERED
WITH A MARQUEE

WHICH WILL BE ERECTED
IN YOUR GARDEN.

FOR WHAT PURPOSE?

FOR THE WEDDING
OF MADAME FANNY TO MONSIEUR LECLERC.

BUT THEIR WEDDING
IS NOT FOR SIX WEEKS.

WHAT EXCUSE DO WE HAVE
FOR MAKING IT SO SOON?

YOU WILL TELL
THE VILLAGERS THAT IT IS TO BE A SHOTGUN WEDDING.

THEY WILL CERTAINLY
BE THE OLDEST COUPLE

IN NOUVION
TO HAVE ONE OF THOSE.

BUT WILL NOT
THE BALLOON EXPLODE IF IT IS SHOT DOWN?

WE HAVE THOUGHT
OF THIS. IT IS TO BE FILLED WITH HELIUM.

THIS IS A RARE GAS.
HOW ARE YOU GOING TO GET IT?

THERE IS STILL SOME
IN AN OLD AIRSHIP FACTORY.

IT IS HIDDEN
IN SMALL CANISTERS

WHICH WILL BE
DELIVERED TO YOU

DISGUISED AS PRIZE-WINNING
VEGETABLE MARROWS.

BUT ARE THEY NOT
OUT OF SEASON AT THIS TIME OF YEAR?

THEY ARE FROM ALGERIA.

THEY WILL BE
DELIVERED TO YOU

BY A MAN DISGUISED AS
AN ALGERIAN PRIZE-WINNING VEGETABLE MARROW SALESMAN.

AN EVERYDAY SIGHTING
IN NOUVION, OF COURSE.

OH, THE RESISTANCE HAVE
FIXED IT FOR FRIDAY.

MY MOTHER
WILL NOT LIKE IT.

I DO NOT LIKE IT.

BUT YOU WILL BE DOING IT
FOR FRANCE, MAMA.

AND YOU CAN HAVE
A LOVELY RECEPTION IN THE MARQUEE.

I AM NOT WELL ENOUGH.

IS IT YOUR
BAD LEG, MAMA?

NO NO NO NO,
MY BAD LEG IS GOOD AT THE MOMENT.

EVERYTHING ELSE
HAS PACKED UP.

THE DOCTOR HAS
ORDERED THAT I SPEND FOUR WEEKS IN BED

BEFORE ATTEMPTING
THAT JOURNEY UP THE AISLE.

WE CANNOT CHANGE
THE PLANS, MAMA.

SOMEHOW THE GOOD LORD
WILL GET YOU TO THE CHURCH.

WELL, I SUPPOSE
IF HE WANTS ME THERE,

HE WILL FIX IT.

HAS HE ARRANGED A CAR?

THERE IS
NO PETROL, MAMA.

OH, BUT I AM SURE
MONSIEUR ALFONSE WILL TAKE YOU IN HIS HEARSE.

HEARSE?

OVER MY DEAD BODY.

GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN
IS OUTSIDE.

HE'S IN A STEAMING RAGE.

KEEP CALM,
EVERYBODY.

KEEP CALM.
REMEMBER, WE KNOW NOTHING.

( shouts )
GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN!

( shouts )
IN A STEAMING RAGE!

- HEIL HITLER!
- HEIL NOTHING!

WHAT'S BEEN GOING ON
IN MY ABSENCE?

I TURN MY BACK
FOR 24 HOURS

AND YOU ALLOW
THE RESISTANCE TO CAPTURE

HIGH-RANKING OFFICERS
FROM BERLIN!

AND, WEARING THEIR UNIFORMS,
THESE TERRORISTS THEN INFILTRATE MY CHATEAU

AND SPIRIT THE AIRMEN AWAY!
WHO WAS THE DUTY OFFICER?

CAPTAIN BERTORELLI.

YOU!
YOU ARE THE SNITCH!

WHEN MY FIELD MARSHALL HAS
SPOKEN TO HIS FIELD MARSHALL

HE WILL BE
LIEUTENANT BERTORELLI.

AND WHY WAS
THIS CHICKEN-FEATHERED WOP

NOT ATTENDING
TO HIS DUTIES CORRECTLY?

HE WAS CANOODLING...

WITH LANCE CORPORAL
HELGA GEERHEART.

PRIVATE HELGA GEERHEART.

FOR THIS, THE WHOLE TOWN
WILL BE TAUGHT A LESSON.

YOU WILL PLACE CHARGES
OF HIGH EXPLOSIVES

IN KEY POSITIONS
IN THE TOWN.

IF THE AIRMEN ARE
NOT RETURNED IN 48 HOURS,

I PERSONALLY
WILL DEPRESS THE PLUNGER

AND NOUVION
WILL BE NO MORE.

LET POSTERS
BE PLACED TO THIS EFFECT.

- LET IT BE DONE!
- DO WE PLACE EXPLOSIVES IN THE CHATEAU?

DON'T BE RIDICULOUS!
I LIVE THERE!

( sobs )

- RENE?
- MMM?

SHE HAS TAKEN
THE GIN AND THE SOUP,

BUT SHE IS NOT WELL.

THE DOCTOR HAS DIAGNOSED
THE COLLYWOBBLES.

HE HAS ADVISED HER
AGAINST GOING INTO A DRAFTY CHURCH.

I WISH HE HAD SAID
THE SAME THING TO ME.

- ( bell dings )
- GOOD MOANING.

GOOD "MOANING."

HAVE YOU
HOD THE NOSE?

WHAT NOSE?

THE GERMANS HAVE
PUT UP THESE PISTERS.

THEY ARE PLACING MOANS
ALL OVER THE TOWN.

- "MOANS"?
- HE MEANS "MINES."

IF THE EARMAN
ARE NOT RETURNED,

THEN THE WHOLE OF NOUVION
WILL GO OFF WITH A BONG.

THEY WOULD NOT
DO THAT.

THAT SETTLES IT.
WE HAND THE AIRMEN BACK TO THE GERMANS.

- YOU WOULD NOT DEE THIS.
- ARE YOU A MIN OR A MOOSE?

SHE MEANS
"A MAN OR A MOUSE."

ALL THE SAME,
THE SOONER THEY GET TO ENGLAND, THE BETTER.

THE FEARCAST FOR THE WITHER
IS GID FOR THE NEXT THREE DOOS.

DOES THIS MEAN
THAT THEY CAN GO?

THE WOND
IS IN OUR FEAVER.

WE WILL SEND
A MASSAGE.

YOU CANNOT USE THE RADIO,
IT IS BEING INTERCEPTED.

I KNEE THAT.

THE MASSAGE
WILL GO BY PODGEON.

"PODGEON"?

A HOMING PODGEON.

- WITH FITHERS.
- AH.

IT WILL BE RELEASED
FROM THE WONDOW OF YOUR MOTHER-IN-LOO.

WELL, WE DO NOT
HAVE A PODGEON.

MY ASSISTANT URGENT GRACE
WILL BRONG IT.

- URGENT GRACE?
- THAT IS HIS BIT OF CRIMPET.

- ( bell dings )
- HERE SHE IS NOO.

GOOD MOANING.

- I WILL SPOOK TO HER.
- WELL, SIT DOWN THERE

AND KEEP
OUT OF SIGHT.

SORRY I AM LOOT.
I HAD TO POWDER MY KNEES.

- WHERE IS THE PODGEON?
- UNDER MY HUT.

( pigeon cooing )

WELL, HE SEEMS
TO BE RARING TO GO.

RENE, THE COLONEL
IS OUTSIDE!

MY GOD.
KEEP THAT THING STILL, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE!

IT SOUNDS AS IF
IT IS LAYING AN OGG.

AH! COLONEL,
COME IN, SIT DOWN.

DRINKS FOR THE COLONEL,
THE CAPTAIN, THE LIEUTENANT AND THE LANCE CORPORAL!

- THE PRIVATE.
- PRIVATE.

RENE, WE HAVE
BAD NEWS FOR YOU.

I HAVE HEARD
ABOUT THE EXPLOSIVES. THAT IS TERRIBLE NEWS!

WHAT IS WORSE, RENE,

100 LBS OF IT IS
GOING TO BE IN A SEWER UNDER YOUR CAFE.

- OH NO.
- IF YOU'VE GOT-A THE AIRMEN,

YOU'D BETTER
GIVE-A THEM UP.

WE ARE PROUD FRENCHMEN.
WE DO NOT GIVE IN TO THREATS.

BUT EDITH,
100 LBS OF EXPLOSIVES

- UNDER THE CAFE. I MEAN--
- HE HAS NO IDEA WHERE THEY ARE.

RENE, I IMPLORE YOU.

IF YOU HEAR ANYTHING,
LET ME KNOW.

THE LAST THING WE WANT
TO DO IS BLOW YOU UP.

IT WOULD MAKE US
VERY UNPOPULAR.

- THINK ABOUT IT, RENE.
- I AM THINKING ABOUT IT, LIEUTENANT.

MARROWS! MARROWS!

PRIZE ALGERIAN MARROWS!

OH MY GOD.

WHO WILL BUY
MARROWS FROM A PRIZE ALGERIAN MARROW SELLER?

COME OVER TO THE BAR,
ALGERIAN MARROW SALESMAN.

COME AND SHOW ME YOUR--

COME ALONG.
COME OVER HERE.

- MARROWS! ALGERIAN MARROWS!
- SHUT UP. SHUT UP!

IT IS ME, ERNEST...

IN DISGUISE.

YES, WEARING IMPENETRABLE
BOOT POLISH I SEE.

THESE ARE
CYLINDERS OF HELIUM.

GOOD, GIVE THEM TO ME.

( grunts )

THEY'RE UNDER
HIGH PRESSURE.

YES, SO AM I.

- THIS ONE IS LEAKING.
- ( flatulence )

I BEG YOUR PIDDON.

- DO NOT INHALE THE GAS.
- NO, I WILL DO MY BEST.

NOW YOU GIVE IT TO ME
BEFORE WE GET US ALL SHOT.

THE GAS AFFECTS
THE VOICE, SEE?

( flatulence )

( high-pitched )
IT TIGHTENS THE VOCAL CORDS.

YES, WELL, THANK YOU,
ALGERIAN MARROW SELLER.

- BE ON YOUR WAY.
- ( high-pitched ) ALGERIAN MARROWS!

WHO WOULD LIKE
TO BUY ALGERIAN MARROWS?

ADIEU, OLD
ALGERIAN EUNUCH.

COME AGAIN WHEN YOU HAVE
MORE PRIZE MARROWS.

- RENE, MORE WINE.
- YES, COLONEL.

I WILL GET IT.

RENE...

RENE, REST ASSURED
THAT IF WE ARE GOING TO BLOW UP YOUR CAFE,

I WILL GIVE YOU
ALL THE WARNING THAT I CAN.

OH, THANK YOU,
LIEUTENANT GRUBER.

YOU LOOK VERY PALE, RENE.

OH, WELL, THE STRAIN HAS
PLAYED HAVOC WITH MY NERVES.

( flatulence )

EXCUSE ME.

UNDERSTANDABLE,
I SUPPOSE.

SHALL I TAKE THE WINE?

( high-pitched )
NO, THAT IS ALL RIGHT,

I WILL DELIVER IT...
TO THE TABLE PERSONALLY.

HERE IS THE POSTER,
HERR FLICK.

IT COULD OF COURSE
BE AN IDLE THREAT.

DO YOU REALIZE
WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF THEY CARRY IT OUT?

THERE WILL BE
NO NOUVION.

WE SHALL HAVE TO MOVE
TO ANOTHER TOWN.

I HAVE MADE
MANY ENEMIES HERE.

IT WOULD TAKE MONTHS
TO MAKE AS MANY ENEMIES IN A STRANGE TOWN.

WE MUST NOT ALLOW
THIS BLOWING UP TO HAPPEN.

THE GENERAL IS
GOING TO PERSONALLY PRESS THE PLUNGER...

FROM A SAFE DISTANCE.

FIND OUT THE POSITION
OF THE EXPLOSIVES

AND SEE IF WE
CAN DEFUSE THEM.

THAT WILL BE
VERY DANGEROUS WORK, HERR FLICK.

I HAVE EVERY CONFIDENCE
THAT YOU WILL SUCCEED, VON SMALLHAUSEN.

HERE IS THE GESTAPO
DEFUSING-EXPLOSIVES HANDBOOK.

IT IS BY THE LATE
PROFESSOR VON FLATTENHEAD,

WHO, AS YOU WILL KNOW,
IS BURIED IN MUNICH...

AND HAMBURG AND BREMEN.

- BONE UP ON IT.
- YES, HERR FLICK.

OH, RENE, MADAME EDITH
HAS EXCELLED HERSELF.

THE FOOD IS MAGNIFICENT!

YES, WELL,
I WILL NOT BE HAPPY UNTIL THOSE AIRMEN ARE

BACK SAFELY IN THE HANDS
OF THE GERMANS.

THEY ARE GOING
BACK TO ENGLAND AND THAT IS FINAL.

THE BALLOON IS OUTSOD.

THEN FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE,
BRING IT IN HERE.

- MOVE THAT TABLE BACK.
- ALL RIGHT.

MONSIEUR LECLERC,
GET ON THAT CORNER.

- HELP HIM.
- OKAY, RENE. UP.

- WHERE DO YOU WANT IT?
- HERE.

OH! MY FOOT!

YOU HAVE CRACKED IT!
AH! I CANNOT PUT IT DOWN.

YVETTE, SIT HIM DOWN.
SOMEBODY. GO ON, OVER THERE.

BRONG IT IN HOOR.

WHERE SHALL WE PIT IT?

BEHIND THE TABLE.

I HAVE THE WEATHER FEARCAST.
IT IS GID.

THEN WE WILL
WRITE A MASSAGE AND SEND IT BY PODGEON.

I WILL WRITE IT
AND TIE IT TO HIS LOG.

( pigeon cooing )

KEEP IT UNDER THE HUT
UNTIL YOUR ARE RODDY.

( British accent )
"EXPECT THE AIRMEN TO ARRIVE OVER DOVER AT--"

( flapping )

IT IS VERY KEEN
TO GET TO ENGLAND.

IT COULD NOT EVEN WAIT
FOR THE MESSAGE.

RENE.

MY MOTHER HAS TAKEN
A TURN FOR THE WORSE.

- SHE CANNOT
GET OUT OF BED! - SHE MUST.

SHE IS OUR ONLY EXCUSE
FOR GATHERING HERE TO RELEASE THE BALLOON.

IF THERE IS TO BE NO WEDDING,
THEN I WILL HAVE TO CANCEL THE WHOLE OPERATION.

- GOOD IDEA.
- I CANNOT WALK DOWN THE AISLE.

MY FOOT IS SWOLLEN
LIKE A POTATO.

YOU WILL HAVE
TO HUBBLE ON ONE LOG.

UNDERSTAND THIS:
IF THEY CANNOT MARRY,

THEN YOU AND EDITH
WILL HAVE TO GET MARRIED.

WHATEVER HAPPENS,
EVERYTHING MUST TAKE PLACE.

DEAR EDITH,
MUCH AS I LOVE YOU,

THE FIRST PLANS
ARE ALWAYS THE BEST.

THEY WILL BE THERE.
WHERE ARE THE AIRMEN?

THEY ARE DISGUISED
SO THAT THEY WILL MERGE INTO THE BACKGROUND.

( British accent )
IN HERE, CHAPS.

HALLO.

- HOW ABOUT A KISS
FOR THE BRIDESMAIDS? - DON'T BE CHEEKY.

( organ music playing )

- THANK GOODNESS YOU ARE HERE.
- WE HAD TO WALK ACROSS THE FIELDS.

OH, LOOK AT
THOSE TWO IDIOTS.

PUT YOUR VEILS DOWN.

- AND LIFT UP YOUR BOSOMS.
- HANDS OFF!

QUITE RIGHT.
GIVE THE FROGGIES AN INCH, THEY TAKE A YARD.

- WHERE IS LECLERC?
- HE'S DOWN THERE.

Edith:
OH. HOW IS HIS FOOT?

OH, MICHELLE HAS GIVEN HIM
PAINKILLERS AND BRANDY.

HE IS BEARING UP.

HE LOOKS AS IF
HE IS PASSING OUT.

OH, HECK.

- COME ON, WAKE UP.
- MARROWS. MARROWS.

- WHO WILL BUY MY MARROWS?
- SHUT UP, SHUT UP.

SHUT UP!

NOW WAKE UP.
THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE YOUR GREAT DAY.

I CANNOT STAND UP
WITHOUT HOLDING ONTO A CRUTCH.

IT WOULD BE BETTER
IF YOU HELD ONTO MY ARM.

( grunting )

( chattering )

MONSIEUR HUGO.

AH. MONSIEUR SARTRE.

OH. COLONEL, CAPTAIN,
LIEUTENANT, HELGA.

HOW NICE OF YOU TO COME.
WE DID NOT EXPECT YOU.

WE COULD NOT LET
YOUR MOTHER MARRY WITHOUT PAYING OUR RESPECTS.

AND WE CHECK-A WHERE
TO PUT-A THE BOMB.

HOW WELL THE CLOTHES
OF THE BEST MAN

SUIT MONSIEUR RENE.

YOU CUT QUITE
A DASHING FIGURE, RENE.

THANK YOU, LIEUTENANT.

DO WE COUNT YOU
AS A FRIEND OF THE BRIDE OR A FRIEND OF THE GROOM?

HOW ABOUT A FRIEND
OF THE BEST MAN?

- IS THE BRIDE HERE YET?
- WELL, YOU WILL HAVE TO FORGIVE HER,

SHE IS WHAT YOU MIGHT CALL
"KNOCKING ON A BIT."

RENE, IT IS
MONSIEUR ALFONSE.

MADAME EDITH, YOUR MOTHER
IS OUTSIDE IN THE HEARSE.

AM I MARRYING
OR BURYING?

PSST! LOOK.

MONSIEUR LECLERC,
HE HAS DROPPED OFF AGAIN.

OH HECK.
EDITH, LEND ME YOUR SMELLING SALTS.

IT IS A WEDDING, FATHER,
COME WITH ME.

MONSIEUR LECLERC.
MONSIEUR LECLERC, WAKE UP.

UGH! MARROWS.
MARROWS.

SHUT UP.
STAND UP.

YOUR BRIDE IS HERE.

NOT AGAIN.

( "The Wedding March"
playing )

DEARLY BELOVED, WE ARE
GATHERED TOGETHER TO JOIN

THIS MAN AND THIS WOMAN
IN HOLY MATRIMONY.

NOT YET, MONSIEUR.

I'VE YET TO DO PAGES
OF THE STUFF.

HE CANNOT STAND.

I AM PUTTING
THE MASSAGE ON THE LOG.

THE MASSAGE IS
NOW TIED TO THE LOG.

YOU CAN LUNCH IT.

ONE, TWO, THROO...

IT HAS CRIPPED
ON YOUR HOD.

DO YOU,
ERNEST DIPSTICK LECLERC,

TAKE THIS WOMAN TO BE
YOUR LAWFUL WEDDED WIFE?

( snores )

HE DOES.

DO YOU, FANNY
NOW-YOU-SEE-IT, NOW-YOU-DO-NOT LAFANNE,

TAKE THIS MAN
TO BE YOUR LAWFUL WEDDED HUSBAND?

( snores )

SHE DOES AS WELL.

THEN I PRONOUNCE YOU
MAN AND WIFE.

NOW YOU CAN
GET INTO BED.

( "Bridal Chorus"
playing )

WAKE UP, MAMA!

- WHAT?
- YOU ARE NOW MAN AND WIFE.

- HE HAS DONE IT.
- WHEN?

WHILE YOU WERE ASLEEP.

( chuckling )

THAT IS ERNEST ALL OVER.

ALWAYS THE IMPATIENT ONE.

( theme music playing )