'Allo 'Allo (1982–1992): Season 6, Episode 5 - The Airmen De-Nicked - full transcript
Flick and Von Smallhausen are interrogated by the general for impersonating army officers but released on the orders of Himmler - thanks to Helga. A party of intelligence officers are visiting and the Resistance plan to hi-jack their car,steal their uniforms and that way infiltrate the chateau to get the airmen out. Rene and Edith are the reluctant 'intelligence officers' but the plan works fairly well until the couple find themselves handcuffed to the airmen whilst the key to unlock them is in Berlin.
( theme music playing )
YOU WILL HAVE GREAT
DIFFICULTY IN BELIEVING WHAT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT.
MICHELLE OF THE RESISTANCE
PERSUADED US ALL TO POSE AS UNDERTAKERS.
THIS WAS DONE IN ORDER
TO GET INTO THE CHATEAU
TO RESCUE THE BRITISH
AIRMEN WHO WERE BEING HELD THERE AS PRISONERS.
NEED I TELL YOU THAT
A SERIES OF DISASTERS
RESULTED IN THE PLAN
GOING OFF AT HALF COCK,
OR TO BE MORE EXACT
NO COCK AT ALL?
THAT IDIOT CRABTREE
DROPPED AN OAK COFFIN DOWN A STONE STAIRCASE.
MONSIEUR LECLERC
INSULTED MONSIEUR ALFONSE, THE UNDERTAKER,
WHICH RESULTED IN THEM
FIGHTING UPSTAIRS AND DOWNSTAIRS WITH SWORDS
LIKE A COUPLE
OF 80-YEAR-OLD ERROL FLYNNS.
EVENTUALLY THE GUARD WAS
CALLED OUT AND WE WERE LUCKY TO ESCAPE WITH OUR LIVES.
NEEDLESS TO SAY, THE BRITISH
AIRMEN ARE STILL BEING HELD AS PRISONERS.
EVEN AS I SPEAK THEY MAY
BE ON THEIR WAY TO BERLIN TO BE INTERROGATED.
ONLY ONE THING PREVENTS
ME FROM LEAVING RIGHT NOW:
THERE IS NOT QUITE ENOUGH
MONEY IN THE TILL.
BY TONIGHT I WILL BE OFF.
( register dings )
EDITH, WHAT ARE
YOU DOING?
LAST NIGHT WAS THE BIGGEST
NOSE-UP I HAVE EVER WITNESSED.
TONIGHT I AM OFF TO THE HOUSE
OF MY COUSIN IN ARMENTIERES.
SHE HAS KENNELS.
WITH A BIT OF LUCK I CAN HIDE IN ONE UNTIL THE WAR IS OVER.
OH, I SEE. YOU ARE LEAVING
ME TO FACE THE MUSIC, HUH?
OH, IT IS NOT THAT, RENE.
MY COOKING HAS MADE YOU
TOO BIG TO GO INTO A KENNEL.
- RENE, YOU HAVE
A VISITOR IN THE BACKROOM. - OH, NOT MICHELLE AGAIN.
- NO, IT IS LIEUTENANT GRUBER.
- OH, THAT IS WORSE.
- WHERE IS HE?
- HE WAS AFRAID OF BEING SEEN
SO I'VE HIDDEN HIM
IN THE CLOTHES CLOSET.
HUH.
LOOK AFTER THE BAR.
YOU CAN COME OUT
OF THE CLOSET NOW, LIEUTENANT.
RENE, YOU HAD A VERY
NARROW SQUEAK LAST NIGHT.
IT TOOK ALL THE GUILE
THAT I POSSESS TO PREVENT THE GENERAL
FROM COMING DOWNSTAIRS TO
INVESTIGATE THE COMMOTION.
AH, WELL, ABOUT THE NOISE,
I UNDERSTAND WHAT HAPPENED WAS--
RENE, TELL ME NOTHING.
IT IS BETTER THAT I REMAIN IN COMPLETE IGNORANCE.
YOU WERE SAVED BY
THE ARRIVAL OF HERR FLICK AND VON SMALLHAUSEN,
WHO HAD DISGUISED THEMSELVES
AS ARMY OFFICERS IN AN ATTEMPT
TO ABDUCT THE BRITISH AIRMEN,
SO THAT THE GESTAPO COULD QUESTION THEM.
WELL, IF I HAD BEEN THERE,
WHICH OF COURSE I WAS NOT,
I WOULD INDEED HAVE HAD
A NARROW SQUEAK.
OF COURSE.
FATE IS FORTUNATELY
ON OUR SIDE.
THE OFFICERS WHO ARE TO COLLECT
THE AIRMEN ARE NOT ARRIVING FROM BERLIN UNTIL TOMORROW.
THE GENERAL WILL BE
IN CALAIS VISITING BIG BERTHA.
IS THAT HIS BIT OF STUFF?
NO, IT IS A VERY BIG GUN
WE HAVE INSTALLED TO SHELL THE BRITISH IN DOVER.
THIS WOULD BE AN EXCELLENT
TIME IF THE RESISTANCE,
WHO YOU DO NOT KNOW,
WERE TO RESCUE THE AIRMEN
BEFORE THEY TALK
AND DROP US ALL
IN THE YOU-KNOW-WHAT.
I WILL PASS THE MESSAGE
TO THE RESISTANCE, WHO I DO KNOW KNOW.
UH...
( clears throat)
TELL THE PEOPLE
WHO YOU DO NOT KNOW THAT TOMORROW LUNCHTIME
WOULD BE A VERY GOOD TIME
FOR ME NOT TO SEE THEM.
YES, GENERAL, WE WILL
ATTEND TO IT.
WE WILL SEE TO IT THAT
THOSE GESTAPO DEVILS
GET A REALLY
HARD TIME.
THE GENERAL IS SENDING
TO US HERR FLICK AND HERR VON SMALLHAUSEN.
THEY WERE ARRESTED LAST NIGHT
IMPERSONATING HIGH-RANKING GERMAN OFFICERS.
WHAT WILL BE THEIR FATE,
COLONEL?
I WILL SCARE
THE PANTS OFF THEM!
SEND THEM IN AS
SOON AS THEY ARRIVE.
YES, COLONEL.
IN HERE!
DO NOT TRY
TO ESCAPE.
HERR FLICK.
WHERE ARE YOUR CLOTHES?
THEY WERE REMOVED
BY THE GENERAL'S TROOPS.
GERMAN THUGS.
HOW HUMILIATING.
AND THEY HAVE CHAINED YOU LIKE AN ANIMAL.
THEY DO NOT WISH ME
TO MAKE A RUN FOR IT.
OR IN MY CASE,
A FAST LIMP.
HOW TERRIBLE.
YOU LOOK EXHAUSTED.
SHALL I HOLD IT
FOR YOU?
NO.
WOULD YOU CARE TO REST
IT ON THE DESK WHILE YOU'RE WAITING?
HELGA, YOU MUST MAKE
A PHONE CALL FOR ME
TO MY GODFATHER,
HEINRICH HIMMLER, TO INFORM HIM OF MY PLIGHT.
OF COURSE.
WHAT IS HIS NUMBER?
BERLIN ONE.
I'LL WRITE IT DOWN.
HERR FLICK, THE SIGHT
OF YOU IN YOUR UNDERWEAR
WITH YOUR ANKLES TETHERED
IS MOST STIMULATING.
DO YOU WISH ME
TO KISS YOU?
IT WOULD NOT BE
SEEMLY WITHOUT MY HAT.
IN THERE!
GOOD MORNING.
GOOD MORNING.
WHY DO YOU HAVE
A SMALLER ONE THAN ME?
I AM NOT AS IMPORTANT
AS YOU ARE, HERR FLICK.
THIS IS CORRECT.
AH, HELGA,
THE BEAUTIFUL LADY!
I KISS YOUR HAND.
WHAT FOR YOU
CHAT UP THE GESTAPO IN THEIR UNDIES?
THEY ARE UNDER ARREST
FOR IMPERSONATING HIGH- RANKING ARMY OFFICERS.
I WAS A FIELD MARSHAL.
IT WAS A LOVELY UNIFORM.
I WANTED TO TAKE A PICTURE
TO SEND TO MY MOTHER.
BUT THEY STRIPPED ME
BEFORE I HAD TIME.
Colonel:
HELGA, WHERE ARE THEY?
NEVER YOU MIND. YOU SEND
YOUR MAMA THE PICTURE OF YOU IN THE PRISON CLOTHES,
WITH THE LITTLE
ARROWS.
HERR FLICK OF THE GESTAPO
AND VON SMALLHAUSEN
ALSO OF THE GESTAPO!
- SEND THEM IN!
- HOBBLE IN HERE!
THIS IS EXCEEDINGLY
HEAVY.
PUT THE BALL AT YOUR
FEET AND DRIBBLE.
MY MY MY.
HOW THE MIGHTY HAVE FALLEN.
I HOPE YOU REALIZE THAT
IMPERSONATING GERMAN OFFICERS
CARRIES WITH IT
SEVERE PENALTIES.
THE HIGHER THE RANK,
THE GREATER THE PENALTY.
NOW, FOR IMPERSONATING
A CAPTAIN
THE SENTENCE IS 10 YEARS
IN A LABOR CAMP.
FOR IMPERSONATING
A FIELD MARSHAL,
A MINIMUM OF 20 YEARS
IN A LABOR CAMP.
PLEASE, PLEASE, I COULD
NOT DO 20 YEARS.
WELL, YOU DO AS
MANY AS YOU CAN.
HE MADE ME DO IT.
I AM WEAK-WILLED.
( whimpering )
I AM EASILY LED.
DO NOT SQUIRM BEFORE
THEM, VON SMALLHAUSEN.
YOU WILL CHANGE YOUR TUNE
WHEN THIS COMES TO THE EARS
OF MY GODFATHER, HEINRICH HIMMLER.
( smirks )
HE WILL NEVER HEAR OF IT.
YOU WILL BE ANOTHER NUMBER
ON THE HANDLE OF A PICKAX.
( phone rings )
YES?
YES, HERR HIMMLER!
OH, YES.
YES THEY'RE HERE.
WE'RE JUST MAKING
THEM A CUP OF TEA.
YES, THAT'S RIGHT, HERR HIMMLER.
MY WIFE DOES LIVE IN THE BLACK FOREST.
THAT'S IT. JUST DOWN THE ROAD
FROM MY GATEAU FACTORY.
YES.
OF COURSE WE'RE
INSURED AGAINST FIRE.
NO, WE'RE NOT INSURED
AGAINST SHELLFIRE.
I WILL RELEASE
THEM AT ONCE.
IT WAS THE FAULT
OF AN ITALIAN OFFICER.
HE'S HERE. WOULD YOU
CARE TO SPEAK TO HIM? FOR YOU!
- IS HIMMLER?
- IN PERSON.
UM, UH...
THIS, UH, CAPTAIN, UH,
MANZONI PEPPERONI AT YOUR SERVICE.
HEY, THERE IS NO NEED
THAT YOU SHOUT!
WE LET THEM GO.
I DRIVE THEM IN MY CAR, PERSONAL.
ON THE WAY
WE GET THE HACKSAW.
WHAT FOR?
TO CUT OFF THE BALLS.
HE'S HUNG UP.
( murmuring )
( bell dings )
YVETTE, YOU ARE
SUPPOSED TO BE SERVING.
WHY ARE YOU
WEARING THE UNIFORM OF NOUVION GRAMMAR SCHOOL?
SHH!
HERE IS A GOWN,
A MORTARBOARD AND A CANE.
NO, I CANNOT GO UPSTAIRS
WITH YOU NOW. WE ARE OPEN.
NO, THESE CLOTHES
ARE SO THAT WE CAN
RUN AWAY TOGETHER
AND FIND HAPPINESS.
WE CANNOT LEAVE
THE AREA WITHOUT A PASS.
WE CAN SAY THAT THAT YOU
ARE MY HEADMASTER AND THAT WE ARE ON A NATURE RAMBLE.
NO, I CANNOT LET YOU
TAKE THE RISK, YVETTE,
BUT HANG ON
TO THE OUTFIT, HUH?
( bell dings )
GOOD MOANING.
GOOD MOANING.
ARE YOU ALOON?
YOU CAN SEE
I AM NOT ALOON.
BUT THERE ARE NO
NITZIS IN YOUR COFFEE.
NO, WE HAD AN
HEALTH INSPECTOR IN ONLY LAST WEEK.
HE MEANS "NAZIS
IN THE CAFE."
( sighs )
HIS FRENCH IS GETTING WORSE.
AS THERE ARE NO NITZIS,
I WILL GIVE A SECRET SOGNAL.
THAT WAS NOT VERY SECRET.
WAIT AND SOO.
( dings )
( blows whistle )
( footsteps )
I HOPE THAT
WAS A COINCIDENCE.
THE CURST IS CLEAR.
LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY,
I SHALL WHISPER THIS ONLY ONCE:
COME OVER HERE.
THERE ARE GERMANS
EVERYWHERE.
I KNOW THAT. THAT IS WHY
THEY CALL IT OCCUPIED FRANCE.
WHISPER QUICKLY
AND GO.
WE HAVE INFORMATION THAT
THE TWO GERMAN OFFICERS
WHO ARE COMING TO COLLECT
THE BRITISH AIRMEN WILL BE ARRIVING BY CAR.
WHY ARE YOU
TELLING US THIS?
WE HAVE ARRANGED TO HIJACK
THE CAR AND STEAL THE UNIFORMS.
TWO OF OUR GROUP WILL
THEN WEAR THESE UNIFORMS AND COLLECT THE BRITISH AIRMEN.
THE WILL MARCH THEM
OUT OF THE CHITEAU...
UNDER THE VERY NEESES
OF THE NITZIS.
AND WHO ARE THE BRAVE IDIOTS
WHO WILL DO ALL THIS?
WE DO NOT YET KNOW.
IT DEPENDS ON WHO THE UNIFORMS FIT.
WE CAN CALL ON 40 MEMBERS
OF THE RESISTANCE.
YOUR CHANCES ARE FARTY TO WIN.
OUR PROBLEM
IS THIS, COLONEL:
IF THE AIRMEN ARE
INTERROGATED IN BERLIN
THEY MAY IMPLICATE
RENE FROM THE CAFE.
HE IN TURN MAY REVEAL
THAT HE HAS BEEN HIDING FOR US
A PORTRAIT OF
THE FALLEN MADONNA--
- WITH THE BIG BOOBIES--
- BY VAN CLOMP.
THAT DAMNED PAINTING.
IS IT WORTH IT?
EVERY DAY IT
INCREASES IN VALUE.
HE MAY ALSO REVEAL THAT YOUR
UNIFORM WAS ONCE USED TO HELP AIRMEN
TO ESCAPE IN ORDER TO KEEP
RENE'S MOUTH SHUT.
IF A RESCUE ATTEMPT
SHOULD OCCUR DURING THE ABSENCE OF THE GENERAL
IT WOULD BE IN
OUR BEST INTERESTS TO LOOK THE OTHER WAY.
WHAT CHANCE IS THERE OF SUCH
AN ATTEMPT BEING MADE?
WELL, I GO INTO BARS,
PEOPLE DROP THINGS.
NEED I SAY MORE?
I WOULD RATHER YOU DID NOT.
ONE THING WORRIES ME--
IT'S THAT DAMNED
INQUISITIVE WOP.
YES, CAPTAIN BERTORELLI,
I HAVE GIVEN THOUGHT TO THIS MATTER.
COULD NOT HELGA
DISTRACT HIM?
HOW?
WELL, BY INVITING
HIM TO LUNCH
AT YOUR LUXURIOUS
QUARTERS IN THE CHATEAU--
TEMPORARILY PROVIDED
BY THE GENERAL.
CERTAINLY NOT.
HELGA, IF YOU DO NOT USE
THESE QUARTERS TO HELP US,
WE WILL SEE THAT THEY'RE
TAKEN FROM YOU!
WE WILL TELL THE GENERAL
THAT IN HIS ABSENCE
THERE HAVE BEEN
MORE SOLDIERS
MARCHING IN AND
OUT OF YOUR DOOR THAN THE BRANDENBURG GATE.
- YOU WOULDN'T!
- I WOULD.
HE WOULD.
IT IS HARD TO KNOW WHOM
TO INVITE TO OUR WEDDING, ERNEST.
UH, SO MANY
OF OUR FRIENDS
HAVE KICKED THE BUCKET.
- I'VE BEEN MAKING A LIST
FOR MY STAG PARTY. - OH.
YOU HAVE WRITTEN
ONLY TWO NAMES.
ALL THE REST ARE
IN THE NICK.
WHY DO YOU NOT HAVE
YOUR PARTY IN THE NICK?
( knock on door )
Edith: CAN I COME IN?
DOWN, ERNEST!
COME IN.
AH, EDITH.
YOU HAVE JUST AWOKEN ME
FROM A DREAMLESS SLEEP.
MOTHER, I HAVE JUST HAD A
MESSAGE FROM MICHELLE OF THE RESISTANCE.
AT LAST, THERE IS AN OPPORTUNITY
FOR YOU TO HELP FRANCE.
( sighs )
LONG LIVE FRANCE.
UP WITH MAURICE CHEVALIER!
DOWN WITH MARLENE DIETRICH.
♪ ARISE THE CHILDREN
OF THE MOTHERLAND... ♪
OH, SHUT UP, MAMA...
AND LISTEN TO THE PLAN.
WE HAVE TO CAPTURE A STAFF CAR
BELONGING TO THE GERMANS.
OH, THE GERMANS.
I HATE THEM.
( spits )
MAMA, NOT
ON THE BEDSPREAD.
NOW LISTEN, WE NEED
AN OBSTRUCTION.
YOU HAVE BEEN CHOSEN
TO BE THE OBSTRUCTION.
GIVE ME THE TOOLS
AND I WILL DO THE JOB.
MONSIEUR LECLERC WILL BE
PUSHING YOU IN YOUR WHEELCHAIR
IN THE MIDDLE
OF THE ROAD.
AT A GIVEN SIGNAL
THE WHEEL WILL FALL OFF.
THE STAFF CAR WILL STOP.
THE RESISTANCE
WILL DO THE REST.
( sighs )
I WILL BE PROUD
TO HAVE MY WHEEL
FALL OFF FOR FRANCE!
( chuckles )
OH, WILL YOU FIND MONSIEUR
LECLERC AND TELL HIM?
STRAIGHTAWAY.
( birds chirping )
I CAN SEE THEM COMING
OVER THE HILL.
WHEEL THE CHAIR INTO THE ROAD.
I WILL GIVE YOU THE SIGNAL
WHEN THE WHEEL IS TO COME OFF.
LONG LIVE FRANCE!
♪ ARISE THE CHILDREN
OF OUR MOTHERLAND ♪
♪ THE HOUR OF FREEDOM-- ♪
SHUT UP.
OH, MAMA IS SO BRAVE.
WHAT IF THE CAR
DOES NOT STOP?
YOU WILL BE A
VERY OLD ORPHAN.
I WILL RIDDLE
THE CAR WITH BULLETS.
YOU WILL DO NO SUCH THING.
WE NEED THOSE UNIFORMS.
WE CANNOT HAVE THEM FULL OF HOLES.
- GIVE ME THE GUN.
- I WILL NOT GIVE YOU MY GUN.
GIVE ME THE GUN.
OH!
( yelling )
STOP IT,
THE PAIR OF YOU.
OH!
ERNEST, WHAT MAKES
THE WHEEL COME OFF?
I DO NOT KNOW, FANNY.
THE RESISTANCE SAY
WHEN I PRESS THE BUTTON
IT WILL ALL HAPPEN.
NOW.
- THE SIGNAL. NOW!
- ( mutters )
OH MY GOD.
THE RESISTANCE HAVE
EXPLODED MY MOTHER.
IT WILL TAKE MORE THAN
THAT TO GET RID OF HER.
♪ ARISE THE CHILDREN
OF THE MOTHERLAND ♪
♪ THE HOUR OF FREEDOM'S
DRAWING NIGH ♪
- ( Fanny singing )
- WHAT DID I TELL YOU?
MORE WINE,
CAPTAIN ALBERTO?
NO, IT'S TIME FOR ME
TO GO ON DUTY AND INSPECT MY BRAVE SOLDIERS.
JUST A LITTLE ONE
FOR THE ROAD.
THIS A NOT FOR THE ROAD,
THIS A FOR THE AUTOBAHN.
LET-A ME GIVE YOU ONE.
CAPTAIN, YOU'RE
SO NAUGHTY.
JUST ONE LITTLE SIP.
AND THEN I GO AND
INSPECT MY TROOPS.
DON'T GO, CAPTAIN.
STAY AND TELL ME YOUR ADVENTURES
WHILE I SLIP INTO
SOMETHING LOOSER.
( whimpers )
I THINK TODAY THE TROOPS
INSPECT THEMSELVES.
DO I HAVE TO STAY
FOR THIS PANTOMIME?
GET INTO LINE!
NOW, WHOMSOEVER THIS UNIFORM
FITS SHALL GO TO THE CHATEAU.
SHE'S EVEN USING
THE SAME WORDS.
TOO SMALL.
TOO SMALL.
MUCH TOO SMALL.
- IT FITS!
- OH, WHAT A SURPRISE.
I SUPPOSE IF I'M NOT BACK
BY MIDNIGHT, I WILL TURN INTO A PUMPKIN.
YOU ARE HALFWAY
THERE ALREADY.
( tango music playing )
( glass smashes )
I LOVE THE TANGO.
IT BRING OUT IN ME THE ANIMAL.
- YOU ARE A VERY EXCITING WOP.
- ( growls )
IS THIS WHY YOU WRIGGLE
EVERY TIME I HOLD YOU CLOSE?
IT IS THE
COLD TEMPERATURE OF YOUR MEDALS.
( knock on door )
WHAT WAS THAT?
I CAME WITH THESE FLOWERS
TO THANK YOU FOR CALLING MY GODFATHER.
I FIND YOU IN THE ARMS
OF ANOTHER.
WHAT IS WORSE,
THE OTHER IS AN ITAI.
HERR FLICK,
I CAN EXPLAIN.
NO, I CAN'T.
I CONSIDER OUR ENGAGEMENT,
WHICH WAS ON, IS NOW OFF.
I WILL OF COURSE
CONFIRM THIS WITH A LETTER ON GESTAPO NOTEPAPER.
ALL IS CLEAR.
INTO THE CAR.
- INTO THE CAR!
- WHO ARE YOU ORDERING ABOUT?
I AM A MAJOR.
YOU ARE A CAPTAIN.
INTO THE CAR.
MY GOD,
IS HE DRIVING?
I WAS THE GETAWAY DRIVER
FOR ONE-EYED, ONE-ARMED,
ONE-LEGGED JACK MORELL.
WELL, HE COULD HARDLY
DRIVE HIMSELF, COULD HE?
HOLD TIGHT AND DO NOT
TOUCH THE TRIGGER.
WHICH ONE IS
THE TRIGGER?
( screams )
THAT ONE.
FORWARD TO THE CHATEAU!
( motorcycle starts up )
FORWARD
TO THE CHATEAU!
THAT IS THE WINDOW
OF THE CHATEAU IN WHICH THE AIRMEN ARE IMPRISONED.
SEND THEM THE MESSAGE.
( sighs )
I THINK THOSE RESISTANCE PEOPLE
HAVE FORGOTTEN ALL ABOUT US.
- IT WOULD APPEAR NOT.
- ( chuckles )
OH, GOOD SHOW.
OH, THERE'S A NOTE.
Carst:
WHAT DOES IT SAY?
"RESCUE ON WAY.
PRETEND NOT TO RECOGNIZE
GERMAN OFFICERS."
I DON'T KNOW ANY
GERMAN OFFICERS.
HANG ON, THERE'S SOMETHING
ON THE OTHER SIDE.
IN CASE THERE IS A COCK-UP,
EAT THIS.
AH WELL, HERE GOES.
MMM.
THE BERLIN CAR
IS APPROACHING!
Sergeant:
BRING OUT THE PRISONERS.
PAPERS?
PAPERS.
THESE ARE IN ORDER.
FORWARD!
( gears grind )
THERE ARE SO MANY GEARS!
SHOW HIM THE PAPERS.
YOU ARE THE MAJOR.
YOU SHOW HIM THE PAPERS.
I AM THE MAJOR.
YOU ARE A CAPTAIN.
I AM ORDERING YOU
TO SHOW HIM THE PAPERS!
FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE, SOMEBODY
SHOW HIM THE PAPERS.
( honks )
THE PAPERS.
IT IS A VERY OLD DRIVER
YOU HAVE THERE.
HE WAS YOUNG
WHEN WE STARTED.
WELL, IT IS A
LONG WAY FROM BERLIN.
THIS IS IN ORDER.
BRING THE AIRMEN!
THEY'RE VERY
SLIPPERY CUSTOMERS.
THE GENERAL HAS
ORDERED HANDCUFFS.
TO THE CAR.
UH, WHERE ARE THE KEYS?
THERE IS A DUPLICATE
IN BERLIN.
WHEN YOU ARRIVE THERE,
YOU WILL BE RELEASED.
HEIL HITLER.
All:
HEIL HITLER. GOODBYE.
FORWARD!
( gears grind )
THERE GO
THE BRITISH AIRMEN TO BERLIN.
WE HAVE BEEN
THWARTED.
I WAS ALSO THWARTED
THIS AFTERNOON.
THAT IS TWICE TODAY
YOU'VE BEEN THWARTED.
SOME PEOPLE
ATTRACT BAD LUCK.
THAT IS TRUE.
COME HERE.
( motor stalling )
( mumbling )
WHAT IS HAPPENING?
( motor sputtering )
- THE BATTERY, HE IS FLAT!
- OH.
OH.
- I WILL CRANK IT
WITH THE HANDLE. - OUI OUI.
( clamoring )
COME ON, HURRY UP.
HANG ON, HANG ON.
WHAT IS WRONG?
I CAN'T DO IT.
I'M LEFT-HANDED.
I WILL DO IT.
WIGGLE YOUR FOOT!
ON THE ACCELERATOR.
HE HAS FLOODED IT.
WE WILL HAVE TO GIVE
HIM A PUSH START.
( honks )
Edith:
THIS WAY.
PUT IT IN GEAR.
DO NOT RELEASE THE CLUTCH UNTIL I TELL YOU.
( mumbles )
ONE, TWO, THREE, PUSH!
NOW!
( car starts up )
- HEY, COME BACK!
- COME BACK!
- HEY, YOU SON OF A GUN!
- ( shouting )
- COME--
- COME HERE!
WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
NEVER MIND THAT.
TO THE BIKE!
COME!
HANG ON!
( grunting )
( theme music playing )
YOU WILL HAVE GREAT
DIFFICULTY IN BELIEVING WHAT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT.
MICHELLE OF THE RESISTANCE
PERSUADED US ALL TO POSE AS UNDERTAKERS.
THIS WAS DONE IN ORDER
TO GET INTO THE CHATEAU
TO RESCUE THE BRITISH
AIRMEN WHO WERE BEING HELD THERE AS PRISONERS.
NEED I TELL YOU THAT
A SERIES OF DISASTERS
RESULTED IN THE PLAN
GOING OFF AT HALF COCK,
OR TO BE MORE EXACT
NO COCK AT ALL?
THAT IDIOT CRABTREE
DROPPED AN OAK COFFIN DOWN A STONE STAIRCASE.
MONSIEUR LECLERC
INSULTED MONSIEUR ALFONSE, THE UNDERTAKER,
WHICH RESULTED IN THEM
FIGHTING UPSTAIRS AND DOWNSTAIRS WITH SWORDS
LIKE A COUPLE
OF 80-YEAR-OLD ERROL FLYNNS.
EVENTUALLY THE GUARD WAS
CALLED OUT AND WE WERE LUCKY TO ESCAPE WITH OUR LIVES.
NEEDLESS TO SAY, THE BRITISH
AIRMEN ARE STILL BEING HELD AS PRISONERS.
EVEN AS I SPEAK THEY MAY
BE ON THEIR WAY TO BERLIN TO BE INTERROGATED.
ONLY ONE THING PREVENTS
ME FROM LEAVING RIGHT NOW:
THERE IS NOT QUITE ENOUGH
MONEY IN THE TILL.
BY TONIGHT I WILL BE OFF.
( register dings )
EDITH, WHAT ARE
YOU DOING?
LAST NIGHT WAS THE BIGGEST
NOSE-UP I HAVE EVER WITNESSED.
TONIGHT I AM OFF TO THE HOUSE
OF MY COUSIN IN ARMENTIERES.
SHE HAS KENNELS.
WITH A BIT OF LUCK I CAN HIDE IN ONE UNTIL THE WAR IS OVER.
OH, I SEE. YOU ARE LEAVING
ME TO FACE THE MUSIC, HUH?
OH, IT IS NOT THAT, RENE.
MY COOKING HAS MADE YOU
TOO BIG TO GO INTO A KENNEL.
- RENE, YOU HAVE
A VISITOR IN THE BACKROOM. - OH, NOT MICHELLE AGAIN.
- NO, IT IS LIEUTENANT GRUBER.
- OH, THAT IS WORSE.
- WHERE IS HE?
- HE WAS AFRAID OF BEING SEEN
SO I'VE HIDDEN HIM
IN THE CLOTHES CLOSET.
HUH.
LOOK AFTER THE BAR.
YOU CAN COME OUT
OF THE CLOSET NOW, LIEUTENANT.
RENE, YOU HAD A VERY
NARROW SQUEAK LAST NIGHT.
IT TOOK ALL THE GUILE
THAT I POSSESS TO PREVENT THE GENERAL
FROM COMING DOWNSTAIRS TO
INVESTIGATE THE COMMOTION.
AH, WELL, ABOUT THE NOISE,
I UNDERSTAND WHAT HAPPENED WAS--
RENE, TELL ME NOTHING.
IT IS BETTER THAT I REMAIN IN COMPLETE IGNORANCE.
YOU WERE SAVED BY
THE ARRIVAL OF HERR FLICK AND VON SMALLHAUSEN,
WHO HAD DISGUISED THEMSELVES
AS ARMY OFFICERS IN AN ATTEMPT
TO ABDUCT THE BRITISH AIRMEN,
SO THAT THE GESTAPO COULD QUESTION THEM.
WELL, IF I HAD BEEN THERE,
WHICH OF COURSE I WAS NOT,
I WOULD INDEED HAVE HAD
A NARROW SQUEAK.
OF COURSE.
FATE IS FORTUNATELY
ON OUR SIDE.
THE OFFICERS WHO ARE TO COLLECT
THE AIRMEN ARE NOT ARRIVING FROM BERLIN UNTIL TOMORROW.
THE GENERAL WILL BE
IN CALAIS VISITING BIG BERTHA.
IS THAT HIS BIT OF STUFF?
NO, IT IS A VERY BIG GUN
WE HAVE INSTALLED TO SHELL THE BRITISH IN DOVER.
THIS WOULD BE AN EXCELLENT
TIME IF THE RESISTANCE,
WHO YOU DO NOT KNOW,
WERE TO RESCUE THE AIRMEN
BEFORE THEY TALK
AND DROP US ALL
IN THE YOU-KNOW-WHAT.
I WILL PASS THE MESSAGE
TO THE RESISTANCE, WHO I DO KNOW KNOW.
UH...
( clears throat)
TELL THE PEOPLE
WHO YOU DO NOT KNOW THAT TOMORROW LUNCHTIME
WOULD BE A VERY GOOD TIME
FOR ME NOT TO SEE THEM.
YES, GENERAL, WE WILL
ATTEND TO IT.
WE WILL SEE TO IT THAT
THOSE GESTAPO DEVILS
GET A REALLY
HARD TIME.
THE GENERAL IS SENDING
TO US HERR FLICK AND HERR VON SMALLHAUSEN.
THEY WERE ARRESTED LAST NIGHT
IMPERSONATING HIGH-RANKING GERMAN OFFICERS.
WHAT WILL BE THEIR FATE,
COLONEL?
I WILL SCARE
THE PANTS OFF THEM!
SEND THEM IN AS
SOON AS THEY ARRIVE.
YES, COLONEL.
IN HERE!
DO NOT TRY
TO ESCAPE.
HERR FLICK.
WHERE ARE YOUR CLOTHES?
THEY WERE REMOVED
BY THE GENERAL'S TROOPS.
GERMAN THUGS.
HOW HUMILIATING.
AND THEY HAVE CHAINED YOU LIKE AN ANIMAL.
THEY DO NOT WISH ME
TO MAKE A RUN FOR IT.
OR IN MY CASE,
A FAST LIMP.
HOW TERRIBLE.
YOU LOOK EXHAUSTED.
SHALL I HOLD IT
FOR YOU?
NO.
WOULD YOU CARE TO REST
IT ON THE DESK WHILE YOU'RE WAITING?
HELGA, YOU MUST MAKE
A PHONE CALL FOR ME
TO MY GODFATHER,
HEINRICH HIMMLER, TO INFORM HIM OF MY PLIGHT.
OF COURSE.
WHAT IS HIS NUMBER?
BERLIN ONE.
I'LL WRITE IT DOWN.
HERR FLICK, THE SIGHT
OF YOU IN YOUR UNDERWEAR
WITH YOUR ANKLES TETHERED
IS MOST STIMULATING.
DO YOU WISH ME
TO KISS YOU?
IT WOULD NOT BE
SEEMLY WITHOUT MY HAT.
IN THERE!
GOOD MORNING.
GOOD MORNING.
WHY DO YOU HAVE
A SMALLER ONE THAN ME?
I AM NOT AS IMPORTANT
AS YOU ARE, HERR FLICK.
THIS IS CORRECT.
AH, HELGA,
THE BEAUTIFUL LADY!
I KISS YOUR HAND.
WHAT FOR YOU
CHAT UP THE GESTAPO IN THEIR UNDIES?
THEY ARE UNDER ARREST
FOR IMPERSONATING HIGH- RANKING ARMY OFFICERS.
I WAS A FIELD MARSHAL.
IT WAS A LOVELY UNIFORM.
I WANTED TO TAKE A PICTURE
TO SEND TO MY MOTHER.
BUT THEY STRIPPED ME
BEFORE I HAD TIME.
Colonel:
HELGA, WHERE ARE THEY?
NEVER YOU MIND. YOU SEND
YOUR MAMA THE PICTURE OF YOU IN THE PRISON CLOTHES,
WITH THE LITTLE
ARROWS.
HERR FLICK OF THE GESTAPO
AND VON SMALLHAUSEN
ALSO OF THE GESTAPO!
- SEND THEM IN!
- HOBBLE IN HERE!
THIS IS EXCEEDINGLY
HEAVY.
PUT THE BALL AT YOUR
FEET AND DRIBBLE.
MY MY MY.
HOW THE MIGHTY HAVE FALLEN.
I HOPE YOU REALIZE THAT
IMPERSONATING GERMAN OFFICERS
CARRIES WITH IT
SEVERE PENALTIES.
THE HIGHER THE RANK,
THE GREATER THE PENALTY.
NOW, FOR IMPERSONATING
A CAPTAIN
THE SENTENCE IS 10 YEARS
IN A LABOR CAMP.
FOR IMPERSONATING
A FIELD MARSHAL,
A MINIMUM OF 20 YEARS
IN A LABOR CAMP.
PLEASE, PLEASE, I COULD
NOT DO 20 YEARS.
WELL, YOU DO AS
MANY AS YOU CAN.
HE MADE ME DO IT.
I AM WEAK-WILLED.
( whimpering )
I AM EASILY LED.
DO NOT SQUIRM BEFORE
THEM, VON SMALLHAUSEN.
YOU WILL CHANGE YOUR TUNE
WHEN THIS COMES TO THE EARS
OF MY GODFATHER, HEINRICH HIMMLER.
( smirks )
HE WILL NEVER HEAR OF IT.
YOU WILL BE ANOTHER NUMBER
ON THE HANDLE OF A PICKAX.
( phone rings )
YES?
YES, HERR HIMMLER!
OH, YES.
YES THEY'RE HERE.
WE'RE JUST MAKING
THEM A CUP OF TEA.
YES, THAT'S RIGHT, HERR HIMMLER.
MY WIFE DOES LIVE IN THE BLACK FOREST.
THAT'S IT. JUST DOWN THE ROAD
FROM MY GATEAU FACTORY.
YES.
OF COURSE WE'RE
INSURED AGAINST FIRE.
NO, WE'RE NOT INSURED
AGAINST SHELLFIRE.
I WILL RELEASE
THEM AT ONCE.
IT WAS THE FAULT
OF AN ITALIAN OFFICER.
HE'S HERE. WOULD YOU
CARE TO SPEAK TO HIM? FOR YOU!
- IS HIMMLER?
- IN PERSON.
UM, UH...
THIS, UH, CAPTAIN, UH,
MANZONI PEPPERONI AT YOUR SERVICE.
HEY, THERE IS NO NEED
THAT YOU SHOUT!
WE LET THEM GO.
I DRIVE THEM IN MY CAR, PERSONAL.
ON THE WAY
WE GET THE HACKSAW.
WHAT FOR?
TO CUT OFF THE BALLS.
HE'S HUNG UP.
( murmuring )
( bell dings )
YVETTE, YOU ARE
SUPPOSED TO BE SERVING.
WHY ARE YOU
WEARING THE UNIFORM OF NOUVION GRAMMAR SCHOOL?
SHH!
HERE IS A GOWN,
A MORTARBOARD AND A CANE.
NO, I CANNOT GO UPSTAIRS
WITH YOU NOW. WE ARE OPEN.
NO, THESE CLOTHES
ARE SO THAT WE CAN
RUN AWAY TOGETHER
AND FIND HAPPINESS.
WE CANNOT LEAVE
THE AREA WITHOUT A PASS.
WE CAN SAY THAT THAT YOU
ARE MY HEADMASTER AND THAT WE ARE ON A NATURE RAMBLE.
NO, I CANNOT LET YOU
TAKE THE RISK, YVETTE,
BUT HANG ON
TO THE OUTFIT, HUH?
( bell dings )
GOOD MOANING.
GOOD MOANING.
ARE YOU ALOON?
YOU CAN SEE
I AM NOT ALOON.
BUT THERE ARE NO
NITZIS IN YOUR COFFEE.
NO, WE HAD AN
HEALTH INSPECTOR IN ONLY LAST WEEK.
HE MEANS "NAZIS
IN THE CAFE."
( sighs )
HIS FRENCH IS GETTING WORSE.
AS THERE ARE NO NITZIS,
I WILL GIVE A SECRET SOGNAL.
THAT WAS NOT VERY SECRET.
WAIT AND SOO.
( dings )
( blows whistle )
( footsteps )
I HOPE THAT
WAS A COINCIDENCE.
THE CURST IS CLEAR.
LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY,
I SHALL WHISPER THIS ONLY ONCE:
COME OVER HERE.
THERE ARE GERMANS
EVERYWHERE.
I KNOW THAT. THAT IS WHY
THEY CALL IT OCCUPIED FRANCE.
WHISPER QUICKLY
AND GO.
WE HAVE INFORMATION THAT
THE TWO GERMAN OFFICERS
WHO ARE COMING TO COLLECT
THE BRITISH AIRMEN WILL BE ARRIVING BY CAR.
WHY ARE YOU
TELLING US THIS?
WE HAVE ARRANGED TO HIJACK
THE CAR AND STEAL THE UNIFORMS.
TWO OF OUR GROUP WILL
THEN WEAR THESE UNIFORMS AND COLLECT THE BRITISH AIRMEN.
THE WILL MARCH THEM
OUT OF THE CHITEAU...
UNDER THE VERY NEESES
OF THE NITZIS.
AND WHO ARE THE BRAVE IDIOTS
WHO WILL DO ALL THIS?
WE DO NOT YET KNOW.
IT DEPENDS ON WHO THE UNIFORMS FIT.
WE CAN CALL ON 40 MEMBERS
OF THE RESISTANCE.
YOUR CHANCES ARE FARTY TO WIN.
OUR PROBLEM
IS THIS, COLONEL:
IF THE AIRMEN ARE
INTERROGATED IN BERLIN
THEY MAY IMPLICATE
RENE FROM THE CAFE.
HE IN TURN MAY REVEAL
THAT HE HAS BEEN HIDING FOR US
A PORTRAIT OF
THE FALLEN MADONNA--
- WITH THE BIG BOOBIES--
- BY VAN CLOMP.
THAT DAMNED PAINTING.
IS IT WORTH IT?
EVERY DAY IT
INCREASES IN VALUE.
HE MAY ALSO REVEAL THAT YOUR
UNIFORM WAS ONCE USED TO HELP AIRMEN
TO ESCAPE IN ORDER TO KEEP
RENE'S MOUTH SHUT.
IF A RESCUE ATTEMPT
SHOULD OCCUR DURING THE ABSENCE OF THE GENERAL
IT WOULD BE IN
OUR BEST INTERESTS TO LOOK THE OTHER WAY.
WHAT CHANCE IS THERE OF SUCH
AN ATTEMPT BEING MADE?
WELL, I GO INTO BARS,
PEOPLE DROP THINGS.
NEED I SAY MORE?
I WOULD RATHER YOU DID NOT.
ONE THING WORRIES ME--
IT'S THAT DAMNED
INQUISITIVE WOP.
YES, CAPTAIN BERTORELLI,
I HAVE GIVEN THOUGHT TO THIS MATTER.
COULD NOT HELGA
DISTRACT HIM?
HOW?
WELL, BY INVITING
HIM TO LUNCH
AT YOUR LUXURIOUS
QUARTERS IN THE CHATEAU--
TEMPORARILY PROVIDED
BY THE GENERAL.
CERTAINLY NOT.
HELGA, IF YOU DO NOT USE
THESE QUARTERS TO HELP US,
WE WILL SEE THAT THEY'RE
TAKEN FROM YOU!
WE WILL TELL THE GENERAL
THAT IN HIS ABSENCE
THERE HAVE BEEN
MORE SOLDIERS
MARCHING IN AND
OUT OF YOUR DOOR THAN THE BRANDENBURG GATE.
- YOU WOULDN'T!
- I WOULD.
HE WOULD.
IT IS HARD TO KNOW WHOM
TO INVITE TO OUR WEDDING, ERNEST.
UH, SO MANY
OF OUR FRIENDS
HAVE KICKED THE BUCKET.
- I'VE BEEN MAKING A LIST
FOR MY STAG PARTY. - OH.
YOU HAVE WRITTEN
ONLY TWO NAMES.
ALL THE REST ARE
IN THE NICK.
WHY DO YOU NOT HAVE
YOUR PARTY IN THE NICK?
( knock on door )
Edith: CAN I COME IN?
DOWN, ERNEST!
COME IN.
AH, EDITH.
YOU HAVE JUST AWOKEN ME
FROM A DREAMLESS SLEEP.
MOTHER, I HAVE JUST HAD A
MESSAGE FROM MICHELLE OF THE RESISTANCE.
AT LAST, THERE IS AN OPPORTUNITY
FOR YOU TO HELP FRANCE.
( sighs )
LONG LIVE FRANCE.
UP WITH MAURICE CHEVALIER!
DOWN WITH MARLENE DIETRICH.
♪ ARISE THE CHILDREN
OF THE MOTHERLAND... ♪
OH, SHUT UP, MAMA...
AND LISTEN TO THE PLAN.
WE HAVE TO CAPTURE A STAFF CAR
BELONGING TO THE GERMANS.
OH, THE GERMANS.
I HATE THEM.
( spits )
MAMA, NOT
ON THE BEDSPREAD.
NOW LISTEN, WE NEED
AN OBSTRUCTION.
YOU HAVE BEEN CHOSEN
TO BE THE OBSTRUCTION.
GIVE ME THE TOOLS
AND I WILL DO THE JOB.
MONSIEUR LECLERC WILL BE
PUSHING YOU IN YOUR WHEELCHAIR
IN THE MIDDLE
OF THE ROAD.
AT A GIVEN SIGNAL
THE WHEEL WILL FALL OFF.
THE STAFF CAR WILL STOP.
THE RESISTANCE
WILL DO THE REST.
( sighs )
I WILL BE PROUD
TO HAVE MY WHEEL
FALL OFF FOR FRANCE!
( chuckles )
OH, WILL YOU FIND MONSIEUR
LECLERC AND TELL HIM?
STRAIGHTAWAY.
( birds chirping )
I CAN SEE THEM COMING
OVER THE HILL.
WHEEL THE CHAIR INTO THE ROAD.
I WILL GIVE YOU THE SIGNAL
WHEN THE WHEEL IS TO COME OFF.
LONG LIVE FRANCE!
♪ ARISE THE CHILDREN
OF OUR MOTHERLAND ♪
♪ THE HOUR OF FREEDOM-- ♪
SHUT UP.
OH, MAMA IS SO BRAVE.
WHAT IF THE CAR
DOES NOT STOP?
YOU WILL BE A
VERY OLD ORPHAN.
I WILL RIDDLE
THE CAR WITH BULLETS.
YOU WILL DO NO SUCH THING.
WE NEED THOSE UNIFORMS.
WE CANNOT HAVE THEM FULL OF HOLES.
- GIVE ME THE GUN.
- I WILL NOT GIVE YOU MY GUN.
GIVE ME THE GUN.
OH!
( yelling )
STOP IT,
THE PAIR OF YOU.
OH!
ERNEST, WHAT MAKES
THE WHEEL COME OFF?
I DO NOT KNOW, FANNY.
THE RESISTANCE SAY
WHEN I PRESS THE BUTTON
IT WILL ALL HAPPEN.
NOW.
- THE SIGNAL. NOW!
- ( mutters )
OH MY GOD.
THE RESISTANCE HAVE
EXPLODED MY MOTHER.
IT WILL TAKE MORE THAN
THAT TO GET RID OF HER.
♪ ARISE THE CHILDREN
OF THE MOTHERLAND ♪
♪ THE HOUR OF FREEDOM'S
DRAWING NIGH ♪
- ( Fanny singing )
- WHAT DID I TELL YOU?
MORE WINE,
CAPTAIN ALBERTO?
NO, IT'S TIME FOR ME
TO GO ON DUTY AND INSPECT MY BRAVE SOLDIERS.
JUST A LITTLE ONE
FOR THE ROAD.
THIS A NOT FOR THE ROAD,
THIS A FOR THE AUTOBAHN.
LET-A ME GIVE YOU ONE.
CAPTAIN, YOU'RE
SO NAUGHTY.
JUST ONE LITTLE SIP.
AND THEN I GO AND
INSPECT MY TROOPS.
DON'T GO, CAPTAIN.
STAY AND TELL ME YOUR ADVENTURES
WHILE I SLIP INTO
SOMETHING LOOSER.
( whimpers )
I THINK TODAY THE TROOPS
INSPECT THEMSELVES.
DO I HAVE TO STAY
FOR THIS PANTOMIME?
GET INTO LINE!
NOW, WHOMSOEVER THIS UNIFORM
FITS SHALL GO TO THE CHATEAU.
SHE'S EVEN USING
THE SAME WORDS.
TOO SMALL.
TOO SMALL.
MUCH TOO SMALL.
- IT FITS!
- OH, WHAT A SURPRISE.
I SUPPOSE IF I'M NOT BACK
BY MIDNIGHT, I WILL TURN INTO A PUMPKIN.
YOU ARE HALFWAY
THERE ALREADY.
( tango music playing )
( glass smashes )
I LOVE THE TANGO.
IT BRING OUT IN ME THE ANIMAL.
- YOU ARE A VERY EXCITING WOP.
- ( growls )
IS THIS WHY YOU WRIGGLE
EVERY TIME I HOLD YOU CLOSE?
IT IS THE
COLD TEMPERATURE OF YOUR MEDALS.
( knock on door )
WHAT WAS THAT?
I CAME WITH THESE FLOWERS
TO THANK YOU FOR CALLING MY GODFATHER.
I FIND YOU IN THE ARMS
OF ANOTHER.
WHAT IS WORSE,
THE OTHER IS AN ITAI.
HERR FLICK,
I CAN EXPLAIN.
NO, I CAN'T.
I CONSIDER OUR ENGAGEMENT,
WHICH WAS ON, IS NOW OFF.
I WILL OF COURSE
CONFIRM THIS WITH A LETTER ON GESTAPO NOTEPAPER.
ALL IS CLEAR.
INTO THE CAR.
- INTO THE CAR!
- WHO ARE YOU ORDERING ABOUT?
I AM A MAJOR.
YOU ARE A CAPTAIN.
INTO THE CAR.
MY GOD,
IS HE DRIVING?
I WAS THE GETAWAY DRIVER
FOR ONE-EYED, ONE-ARMED,
ONE-LEGGED JACK MORELL.
WELL, HE COULD HARDLY
DRIVE HIMSELF, COULD HE?
HOLD TIGHT AND DO NOT
TOUCH THE TRIGGER.
WHICH ONE IS
THE TRIGGER?
( screams )
THAT ONE.
FORWARD TO THE CHATEAU!
( motorcycle starts up )
FORWARD
TO THE CHATEAU!
THAT IS THE WINDOW
OF THE CHATEAU IN WHICH THE AIRMEN ARE IMPRISONED.
SEND THEM THE MESSAGE.
( sighs )
I THINK THOSE RESISTANCE PEOPLE
HAVE FORGOTTEN ALL ABOUT US.
- IT WOULD APPEAR NOT.
- ( chuckles )
OH, GOOD SHOW.
OH, THERE'S A NOTE.
Carst:
WHAT DOES IT SAY?
"RESCUE ON WAY.
PRETEND NOT TO RECOGNIZE
GERMAN OFFICERS."
I DON'T KNOW ANY
GERMAN OFFICERS.
HANG ON, THERE'S SOMETHING
ON THE OTHER SIDE.
IN CASE THERE IS A COCK-UP,
EAT THIS.
AH WELL, HERE GOES.
MMM.
THE BERLIN CAR
IS APPROACHING!
Sergeant:
BRING OUT THE PRISONERS.
PAPERS?
PAPERS.
THESE ARE IN ORDER.
FORWARD!
( gears grind )
THERE ARE SO MANY GEARS!
SHOW HIM THE PAPERS.
YOU ARE THE MAJOR.
YOU SHOW HIM THE PAPERS.
I AM THE MAJOR.
YOU ARE A CAPTAIN.
I AM ORDERING YOU
TO SHOW HIM THE PAPERS!
FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE, SOMEBODY
SHOW HIM THE PAPERS.
( honks )
THE PAPERS.
IT IS A VERY OLD DRIVER
YOU HAVE THERE.
HE WAS YOUNG
WHEN WE STARTED.
WELL, IT IS A
LONG WAY FROM BERLIN.
THIS IS IN ORDER.
BRING THE AIRMEN!
THEY'RE VERY
SLIPPERY CUSTOMERS.
THE GENERAL HAS
ORDERED HANDCUFFS.
TO THE CAR.
UH, WHERE ARE THE KEYS?
THERE IS A DUPLICATE
IN BERLIN.
WHEN YOU ARRIVE THERE,
YOU WILL BE RELEASED.
HEIL HITLER.
All:
HEIL HITLER. GOODBYE.
FORWARD!
( gears grind )
THERE GO
THE BRITISH AIRMEN TO BERLIN.
WE HAVE BEEN
THWARTED.
I WAS ALSO THWARTED
THIS AFTERNOON.
THAT IS TWICE TODAY
YOU'VE BEEN THWARTED.
SOME PEOPLE
ATTRACT BAD LUCK.
THAT IS TRUE.
COME HERE.
( motor stalling )
( mumbling )
WHAT IS HAPPENING?
( motor sputtering )
- THE BATTERY, HE IS FLAT!
- OH.
OH.
- I WILL CRANK IT
WITH THE HANDLE. - OUI OUI.
( clamoring )
COME ON, HURRY UP.
HANG ON, HANG ON.
WHAT IS WRONG?
I CAN'T DO IT.
I'M LEFT-HANDED.
I WILL DO IT.
WIGGLE YOUR FOOT!
ON THE ACCELERATOR.
HE HAS FLOODED IT.
WE WILL HAVE TO GIVE
HIM A PUSH START.
( honks )
Edith:
THIS WAY.
PUT IT IN GEAR.
DO NOT RELEASE THE CLUTCH UNTIL I TELL YOU.
( mumbles )
ONE, TWO, THREE, PUSH!
NOW!
( car starts up )
- HEY, COME BACK!
- COME BACK!
- HEY, YOU SON OF A GUN!
- ( shouting )
- COME--
- COME HERE!
WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
NEVER MIND THAT.
TO THE BIKE!
COME!
HANG ON!
( grunting )
( theme music playing )