'Allo 'Allo (1982–1992): Season 6, Episode 4 - The Nicked Airmen - full transcript

( theme music playing )

AH!

THINGS ARE LOOKING UP.

WE HAVE AT LAST GOT SHOT
OF THE BRITISH AIRMEN.

THEY MET
A BRITISH SUBMARINE IN THE ESTUARY,

AND BY NOW
THEY WILL BE SAFELY BACK IN ENGLAND.

THERE WAS OF COURSE
A LAST-MINUTE HITCH

WHEN THE PERISCOPE
OF THE SUBMARINE

BURST THROUGH THE BOTTOM
OF THE ROWING BOAT

CONTAINING
THE COLONEL,

LIEUTENANT GRUBER
AND CAPTAIN BERTORELLI.



THEY WERE LAST SEEN
SWIMMING FOR THE SHORE.

I WILL NOT BE TO BLAME.

I WAS A LONG WAY
FROM THE SCENE,

STROKING THE LADIES'
ROWING EIGHT.

( knocking )

FOR ONCE I AM GLAD
SHE IS HERE.

NOW THAT THE BRITISH AIRMEN
HAVE GONE, I CAN TELL HER

THAT I AM FINISHING
WITH THE RESISTANCE

ONCE AND FOR ALL.

NOW MICHELLE,
LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY,

I SHALL
SAY THIS ONLY ONCE:

I AM FINISHED
WITH THE RESISTANCE.

THE RESISTANCE ITSELF
MAY BE FINISHED.

MICHELLE HAS GIVEN ME
NEWS SO GRAVE



THAT I LOOK
10 YEARS OLDER.

YOU ALWAYS LOOK
10 YEARS OLDER.

THE AIRMEN FAILED
TO MEET THE SUBMARINE.

THEY HAVE
BEEN CAPTURED.

OH MY GOD.
WHERE ARE THEY?

THEY WERE APPREHENDED
BY TROOPS OF THE COLONEL.

- ( both sigh )
- IF THEY SHOULD CRACK,

THEY MAY REVEAL
THAT WE HAVE BEEN HIDING THEM,

AND THEN OUR LIVES
WOULD NOT BE WORTH...

( snaps fingers )
THAT.

WE MUST COLLECT
ALL THE MONEY WE CAN FIND AND LEAVE AT ONCE.

NO--
NO.

FOR THE MOMENT
YOU ARE SAFE.

THEY ARE WITH THE ARMY,
AND THEY WILL NOT BE ILL-TREATED.

THEY WILL REVEAL
ONLY THEIR NAME, RANK AND NUMBER.

BUT WHAT IF HERR FLICK
SHOULD GET HIS HANDS ON THEM?

THEN YOUR COVER
WILL BE BLOWN.

THERE WILL BE
NO TIME TO ESCAPE.

DO NOT WORRY.
I WILL MAKE SURE

YOU ALL GET
SUICIDE PILLS.

OH, THANK YOU.

THERE ARE GERMAN TROOPS
MARCHING ACROSS THE SQUARE!

MY GOD,
WHAT DO WE DO? WHAT DO WE DO?

NOW DO NOT
LOSE YOUR HEAD.

THEY MAY ONLY BE COMING
TO BOOK A TABLE.

WITH MACHINE GUNS?

MICHELLE, BE--
WHERE HAS SHE GONE?

I EXPECT
SHE HAS GONE TO GET THE SUICIDE PILLS.

RENE ARTOIS,
YOU ARE UNDER ARREST.

AND YOU, MADAM,
I HAVE ORDERS TO TAKE YOU

TO THE OFFICE
OF THE COLONEL VON STROHM

FOR INTERROGATION.

OH, WELL, IT WILL BE NICE
TO SEE THE COLONEL AGAIN.

LOOK, DO YOU MIND IF WE JUST
POP INTO THE KITCHEN?

JUST TO GET
OUR HATS AND COATS, OF COURSE.

STOP! YOUR SERVANTS
CAN BRING THEM. MARCH!

WOULD YOU TELL YOUR MAN
TO BE CAREFUL WHERE HE'S PUTTING HIS SCHMEISER?

( knocking on door )

THE BRITISH AIRMEN
ARE HERE.

GOOD.
I'VE BEEN LOOKING FORWARD TO THIS.

SHOW THEM IN HERE.

GRUBER,
THEY ARE PRISONERS.

YOU DON'T
SHOW THEM IN.

YOU SEND THEM IN!

SEND THEM IN HERE!

- HELLO.
- HELLO

YOU HAVE BEEN ARRESTED,
PADDLING A TIN BATH

DOWN THE ESTUARY.

WE KNOW
YOU ARE BRITISH AIRMEN.

NOW WHAT IS
YOUR NAME?

- WHAT'S HE SAYING?
- I DON'T KNOW.

I DON'T SPEAK A WORD
OF THE LANGUAGE.

NO SPEAKY GERRY.

- WHAT DOES HE SAY?
- I HAVE NO IDEA.

ME, I HAVE-A
THE PHRASEBOOK READY

FOR WHEN
I LEAD THE INVASION OF THE ENGLAND.

I ASK THE QUESTIONS.

ASK THEM THEIR NAMES.

WHOT...
IS YO URE...

NARMY?

NARMY?
I DON'T HAVE A NARMY.

I HAD A NANNY ONCE.

PERHAPS
HE MEANS "MUMMY."

"WHAT IS MY MUMMY?"

SHE'S IN THE W.V.S.

THEY MAKE SOUP
AND THINGS.

WHAT'S HE SAYING?

YOU HAVE-A
LOST ME...

MUMMY, MUMMY--
AH.

IT MEAN

"PRESERVE THE BODY
OF EGYPTIAN QUEEN."

REALLY?

HE'S VERY
LIGHT-SKINNED.

WE DEMAND
TO BE SENT

TO BRITISH
PRISONER-OF-WAR CAMP.

PRISONER-OF-WAR CAMP.

- CAMP, CAMP!
- YES, YES. CAMP, CAMP...

AH, HERE IT IS.

WHAT DO YOU
MAKE OF THIS?

HMMM!

THE CAFE OWNER
AND HIS WIFE ARE HERE.

AH, GOOD.
THIS SHOULD BE INTERESTING.

BRING THEM IN.

BRING THEM
IN HERE!

STAND HERE WHERE
THEY CAN SEE YOU.

NOW ASK THEM IF THEY KNOW
THESE PEOPLE.

DO YOU KER-NO

THESE A
PEEOPALY?

WHAT WAS ALL
THAT ABOUT?

I THINK HE WANTS US
TO IDENTIFY THEM.

WE... NO... KNOW

PEEOPALY.

HE DOES NOT KNOW
MRS. PEEOPALY EITHER.

THIS IS
GETTING US NOWHERE.

WE WILL HAVE TO FIND
AN INTERPRETER.

LOCK THEM
IN THE CHATEAU.

GRUBER, TAKE THEM
IN YOUR LITTLE TANK.

YES, COLONEL.

COME ALONG.

- Colonel: AND GRUBER--
- YES, COLONEL?

DO NOT
LET THEM ESCAPE.

OF COURSE, COLONEL.
I WILL KEEP THE EGYPTIAN

IN THE FRONT WITH ME.

MAY WE GO NOW,
COLONEL?

YES, FOR
THE TIME BEING.

BUT I HOPE
FOR YOUR SAKE

THAT THEY'RE TELLING
THE TRUTH.

IF THE GENERAL FINDS
YOU'VE BEEN HIDING THEM,

I WILL NOT BE ABLE
TO SAVE YOU.

COLONEL,
WE KNOW NOTHING.

I'M SURE WE WOULD HAVE
REMEMBERED THEM,

IF WE HAD
SEEN THEM BEFORE.

ESPECIALLY
IN THOSE SUITS.

GET OUT!

COLONEL, WILL YOU BE
REQUIRING YOUR USUAL TABLE TONIGHT?

( shouts )
GET OUT!

I'LL TAKE THAT
AS A LOOSE "NO."

( knocking on door )

GENERAL
VON KLINKERHOFFEN.

HEIL HITLER!

QUITE.

LANCE CORPORAL HELGA,

YOU WERE GIVEN
THIS LUXURIOUS ROOM

IN ORDER TO SEDUCE
HERR FLICK OF THE GESTAPO

INTO A QUICK
MARRIAGE,

TO ENABLE YOU TO SPY ON HIM
ON OUR BEHALF,

TO TRACK DOWN
THE RESISTANCE

WHO HELPED
THE BRITISH AIRMEN TO ESCAPE.

YOU WILL BE AWARE
THAT OUR TROOPS

HAVE CAPTURED
THE BRITISH AIRMEN,

AND THEY ARE NOW
IN THE NORTHEAST TOWER

AWAITING COLLECTION
BY ARMY INTELLIGENCE OFFICERS FROM BERLIN.

YOU ARE, THEREFORE, NO LONGER
REQUIRED TO MARRY HERR FLICK.

OH, WHAT A RELIEF.

THIS BEING THE CASE,
YOU WILL NO LONGER NEED THE ROOM.

YOU WILL VACATE IT
BY MIDDAY.

OH, DEAR.

BUT I'VE GROWN
SO USED TO IT.

( sobs )

FORGIVE MY SALTY TEARS,

BUT I'VE NEVER
BEEN USED TO SUCH LUXURY,

BEING THE DAUGHTER
OF A POOR WIDOWED

BAVARIAN
STRUDEL-CHOPPER.

IT WILL BE
VERY HARD TO RETURN

TO MY UNSPRUNG TRUCKLE BED
ABOVE THE BAKERY,

WITH THE HEAT,

AND THE CHARCOAL FUMES,

AND THE BEER
WITH THE BAKERS.

DO NOT GO ON.
I, TOO, WILL BE CRYING.

YOU MAY KEEP IT
FOR ONE MORE NIGHT.

OH, GENERAL,
HOW CAN I EVER THANK YOU?

PREPARE A LIGHT DINNER
FOR US.

I WILL BRING
THE CHAMPAGNE.

( knocking on door )

HERR FLICK.
WHY HAVE YOU CREPT UP THE CREEPER?

ORDERS HAVE BEEN
GIVEN TO THE GUARDS FORBIDDING MY ENTRY,

BUT NOTHING
COULD KEEP ME FROM YOU.

I HAVE BEEN SLEEPLESS
EVER SINCE YOU PROPOSED MARRIAGE TO ME.

I ACCEPT.

I'M AFRAID
I'VE CHANGED MY MIND.

WHAT?

CAN I
BELIEVE MY EARS?

WHEN I WAS
ASLEEP LAST NIGHT

ON THAT VERY BED,

I WAS SUDDENLY AROUSED
BY A PRICKLY FEELING.

WHERE?

ALL OVER.

AT THE END OF THE BED
STOOD THE GHOSTLY FIGURE OF A MONK.

HOW DO YOU KNOW
IT WAS A MONK?

HE WAS WEARING ROBES,

AND COMPLETELY
TRANSPARENT.

- THE ROBES?
- NO, THE WHOLE MONK.

HE POINTED AT ME
WITH HIS FINGER

AND HE SAID,

"DO NOT DO IT."

"DO NOT...

DO IT!"

WHAT WERE YOU DOING
AT THE TIME?

NOTHING.
I WAS TRANSFIXED.

THEN, HE CROSSED
TO YOUR PICTURE ON THE TABLE,

POINTED AT IT,
AND SHOOK HIS HEAD LIKE THIS.

( whispers )
OOH!

I REGARD IT
AS AN OMEN.

YOUR STORY
HAS SENT A SHIVER DOWN MY SPINE.

I WAS TOLD ONCE,
BY AN OLD GYPSY

WHO I WAS
INTERROGATING,

THAT ONE DAY
ONE OF THE FOUR HORSEMEN OF THE APOCALYPSE

WOULD KNOCK AT MY DOOR.

YOUR STORY
HAS REMINDED ME OF AN EXPERIENCE

THAT HAS HAUNTED
ME EVER SINCE.

MAYBE THE KNOCK
IS NEARER THAN YOU THINK.

- ( banging on door )
- MY GOD! THEY ARE HERE!

IT IS
VON SMALLHAUSEN.

HERR FLICK,
I CAME AT ONCE.

I DISCOVERED
THE GENERAL IS HOLDING

THE BRITISH AIRMEN
IN THE EAST TOWER.

WE MUST INFORM
BERLIN AT ONCE.

COME,
VON SMALLHAUSEN.

I'M NOT SURE WE SHOULD PAY
TOO MUCH ATTENTION

TO YOUR
SEE-THROUGH MONK.

IF HE SHOULD
APPEAR AGAIN,

CALL ME AT ONCE,

AS THERE ARE
ONE OR TWO QUESTIONS

I SHOULD LIKE
TO ASK HIM.

HERR FLICK,
HERR FLICK,

THERE WILL BE
NO TIME FOR THE GESTAPO IN BERLIN TO ACT.

ARMY INTELLIGENCE
OFFICERS HAVE BEEN DISPATCHED

TO COLLECT
THE BRITISH AIRMEN.

THEY ARE TO BE PUT
ON THE TRAIN FOR BERLIN IN THE MORNING.

THEN WE MUST ACT
TONIGHT.

COME, VON SMALLHAUSEN,
TO OUR QUARTERS.

KEEP STILL
OR I SHALL STICK A PIN IN YOU.

WHAT IS
GOING ON IN HERE?

THESE ARE
THE BRIDESMAIDS' DRESSES

FOR THE WEDDING
OF MY MOTHER.

WHO IS PAYING
FOR ALL THIS?

YOU ARE.

IT IS OUR
RESPONSIBILITY.

- ( sighs )
- MADAME EDITH,

THERE IS SOMETHING
NOT QUITE RIGHT UP HERE.

IT IS TIGHT
AT THE BOTTOM

AND LOOSE
AT THE TOP.

SHE MUST HAVE READ
THE MEASUREMENTS UPSIDE DOWN.

MADAME LENARE WILL
HAVE TO COMPLETELY REMAKE IT.

BUT THAT WILL MEAN
MORE EXPENSE.

NO NO.
I CANNOT AFFORD IT. HERE, BIND THESE IN.

JUST PUT A BIT OF LACE ON TOP.
IT WILL BE ALL RIGHT.

I WILL NOT HAVE IT.

THEY WILL BOTH HAVE
TO BE COMPLETELY REMADE.

RENE,
AVERT YOUR EYES.

AND STOP LOOKING
IN THE MIRROR.

( faux French accent )
GOOD MOANING.

( both shriek )

I DID NOT EXPECT
TO SEE A STRIPTOOSE.

QUICK,
BEHIND THE SCREEN, BOTH OF YOU.

RENE!

I WILL SHOW MY MOTHER
HER WEDDING DRESS.

OH, SHE WILL
FLIP HER LID.

I HOPE SHE DOES NOT
THONK THAT I AM A POOPING TIM.

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

I HAVE HAD A MASSAGE
FROM MICHELLE.

YOU ARE TO TELL LONDON
THAT THE EARMEN

ARE BEING KIPT
IN THE COSTLE.

HE MEANS
"KEPT IN THE CASTLE."

GET ON
WITH YOUR DRESSING.

THEY ARE TO BE ROSCUED,
AND SHE HAS A PLIN.

IT WILL BE REVILED
AT A LATER DOT.

WELL, AS LONG AS THE PLIN
DOES NOT INVOLVE ME...

RENE, IT IS
THE TIME FOR SPEAKING TO LONDON.

WELL, I CANNOT
WORK THE MECHANISM

OF THE NEW AERIAL,
SO HARD BUN.

I CAN WOK
THE MICHANOSM,

BECAUSE I HAVE
SEEN IT DIN.

WELL, IN THAT CASE,
YOU HAD BETTER FOLLOW MOO.

MAMA,
IS IT NOT BEAUTIFUL?

OH, IT IS.

IT IS STUNNING!

OH, I SHALL
KNOCK 'EM DEAD.

AND NOW, MAMA,
ABOUT THE HYMNS FOR THE SERVICE.

I THOUGHT,
"ROCK OF AGES..."

MMM, ERNEST
WOULD ENJOY THAT ONE.

"LOVE DIVINE,
ALL LOVE'S EXCELLING,"

HMM...
HOW DOES THAT GO?

( singing badly )
♪ LOVE DIVINE ♪

♪ OR LOVE'S
EXCELLING... ♪

OH, YES,
I REMEMBER IT.

( both singing badly )
♪ LOVE DIVINE ♪

♪ OR LOVE'S EXCELLING ♪

♪ JOY OF HEAVEN ♪

- ♪ TO EARTH COME DOWN... ♪
- ( dogs howling outside )

SHUT UP! YOU'VE SET
THE DOGS OFF NOW.

SHUT UP.
WOOF, WOOF! SHUT UP.

RENE, WHY HAVE YOU
BROUGHT WITH YOU THE FUZZ?

I HAVE COME
TO WOK YOUR ROODIO.

THE CONTROLS
ARE IN THE CUPBOARD.

I WILL
PRESS THE LIVER.

( moaning )

AM I NEVER
TO BE LEFT IN PEACE?

( creaking )

FANNY!
THE EARTH IS MOVING!

IT HAS NOTHING
TO DO WITH YOU.

I WILL NOW ENGORGE
THE OTHER SWOTCHES.

NO NO NO.
EDITH, REMOVE THE KNOB.

( Fanny moaning )

OH, NOT AGAIN, NO.

( whirring )

I HOPE
THIS DOES NOT HAPPEN ON THE HONEYMOON.

WHY NOT?
NOTHING ELSE WILL HAPPEN.

( on radio )
Hello, Nighthawk. Hello, Nighthawk.

Pass your message.

EDITH, WHERE IS
THE CODEBOOK?

OH, RENE,
THE MICE HAVE EATEN IT.

LOOK.

Pass your message.
pass your message.

HELLO, LONDON.

THE MICE HAVE EATEN
THE CODEBOOK.

"The mice have eaten
the codebook."

I will look it up.

IT IS NOT CODE.
IT MEANS THE CODEBOOK IS FULL OF LITTLE HOLES.

We'll have
to charge you for a new one.

GIVE IT TO ME.

JACK AND JILL
ARE IN THE NICK.

NIGHTHAWK'S IN A FUNK.

IF YOU CALL
WITH NO REPLY,

IT MEANS
HE'S DONE A BUNK.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT,
FAIRFAX,

WE COULD CUT
OUR RUBBER SUITS UP INTO STRIPS,

TIE THEM TOGETHER
INTO A SORT OF ELASTIC BAND,

SECURE THEM TO
THE PILLAR, AND JUMP OUT OF THE WINDOW.

WE WOULDN'T HAVE
ANY CLOTHES ON.

- GOOD POINT.
- AND IF WE WENT RUNNING AROUND THE COUNTRYSIDE

WITHOUT UNIFORMS,
WE COULD BE SHOT AS SPIES.

I'VE GOT ST. MICHAEL
ON MY Y-FRONTS.

THE NAZIS
ARE NOT INTERESTED IN RELIGION.

( knocking on door )

( mutters )
WHO IS THIS?

WE ARE NOT OPEN.

OH, LIEUTENANT.

LET ME IN, QUICKLY.
I DO NOT WISH TO BE SEEN VISITING YOU.

COME IN.

RENE, YOU KNOW
THAT I AM VERY FOND OF YOU,

SO I'M ABOUT TO DO SOMETHING
THAT MAY SEEM, AS IT WERE,

OUT OF CHARACTER
FOR A GERMAN OFFICER.

I DO NOT SUPPOSE
IT WILL.

IF WE ARE SEEN,
WE COULD BE IN SEVERE TROUBLE.

LOOK, DO NOT
DO ANYTHING HASTY, LIEUTENANT.

WHY DO YOU NOT
HAVE A COGNAC WHILE WE TALK ABOUT IT?

EDITH--

THERE IS A SOLDIER OUTSIDE.
QUICK, HIDE BEHIND THE BAR.

WELL, I--
YVETTE, WE HAVE CUSTOMERS.

- GET DOWN.
- ( yelps )

THE BRITISH AIRMEN
ARE TO BE

SKILLFULLY INTERROGATED
IN BERLIN.

THEY WILL REVEAL
THAT YOU HAVE BEEN HELPING THEM.

BUT LIEUTENANT,
I HAVE NEVER ADMITTED IT.

RENE, YOU AND I
KNOW EACH OTHER VERY WELL.

I KNOW WHAT
YOU ARE THINKING,

AND YOU WILL KNOW
WHAT I AM THINKING.

THIS IS TRUE, YES.

IF THEY ARREST YOU,
THEY WILL FIND OUT THE HIDING PLACE

OF THE FALLEN MADONNA
WITH THE BIG BOOBIES BY VAN KLOMP.

I HAD FORGOTTEN
ABOUT THAT.

TO THIS END,
I MUST DO SOMETHING.

HERE.
TAKE THESE.

THEY ARE THE KEYS
TO THE CHATEAU.

DO YOU WISH ME
TO HIDE IN YOUR ROOM?

ONLY AS A LAST RESORT.

THIS ONE FITS
THE SMALL WEST DOOR OF THE CHATEAU.

THIS ONE FITS THE CELL
IN THE EAST TOWER.

GET YOUR WIFE
TO BAKE A TART.

HIDE THE KEYS INSIDE

AND HAVE IT DELIVERED
TO THE AIRMEN.

THEY ARE VERY HEAVY.

THIS IS WHY I AM
ORDERING THEIR FOOD FROM YOU.

WITH MADAM EDITH'S PASTRY,
NO ONE WILL SUSPECT.

Gruber:
IF THE AIRMEN COULD ESCAPE,

IT WOULD BE
TO THE BENEFIT OF US ALL.

I WILL SAY
NO MORE.

RENE! WHAT ARE YOU
DOING ON THE FLOOR,

BEHIND THE BAR,
WITH LIEUTENANT GRUBER?

YOU STUPID WOMAN.

HE HAS COME HERE
AT GREAT PERSONAL RISK.

RENE, I MUST
LEAVE AT ONCE.

YES, GO THE BACK WAY,
LIEUTENANT.

IF YOU ARE QUESTIONED,
DENY EVERYTHING.

RENE, WHAT IS IT
YOU ARE TO DENY

IF I ASK YOU
A QUESTION ABOUT IT?

HE THINKS
THAT ONCE IN BERLIN,

THE BRITISH AIRMEN
WILL TALK AND WE WILL ALL BE IN TROUBLE.

NOW HE HAS GIVEN ME
THESE KEYS.

THIS ONE
IS FOR THE WEST DOOR OF THE CHATEAU,

THIS ONE
IS FOR THE CELL IN THE EAST TOWER.

YOU ARE TO PUT THEM
IN A TART.

I WILL HAVE TO MAKE
HEAVIER PASTRY THAN USUAL.

THAT WILL BE
QUITE AN EVENT.

( knocking on door )

OH, CAN PEOPLE NOT READ?
WE ARE CLOSED!

- ( banging )
- IT IS MICHELLE.

I HAVE A PLAN
TO RESCUE THE AIRMEN.

WE WILL
DISGUISE OURSELVES AS UNDERTAKERS,

GO TO THE CHATEAU
WITH TWO COFFINS,

TELL THE GUARDS
THAT THE AIRMEN HAVE DIED UNDER INTERROGATION,

THE AIRMEN WILL
GET INTO THE COFFINS,

AND WE WILL
CARRY THEM OUT.

- WHAT DO YOU THINK?
- WHAT DO I THINK?

THIS IS THE MOST
RIDICULOUS SUICIDE MISSION

YOU HAVE EVER
COME UP WITH, MICHELLE.

WITH A COCK-AND-BULL
STORY LIKE THAT,

WE WILL NOT EVEN
GET PAST THE GUARDS.

WE DO NOT NEED TO.

WE HAVE THE KEY
TO THE BACK DOOR OF THE CASTLE

AND THE KEY
TO THE CELL.

THEN IT IS SETTLED.
WE MOVE ON THE CHATEAU TONIGHT.

BIG MOUTH.

VON SMALLHAUSEN!

YES, HERR FLICK?

IN 30 MINUTES
FROM NOW, WE ARE GOING TO THE CHATEAU

DISGUISED
AS GERMAN OFFICERS

TO COLLECT
THE BRITISH PRISONERS.

WHY ARE YOU
NOT DRESSED?

I'M SORRY, HERR FLICK.

THEY HAD TO ALTER
THE UNIFORM TO MY SIZE.

IT IS PROMISED
IN 10 MINUTES.

GO AND COLLECT IT,
AND MEET ME AT THE CHATEAU.

DO NOT BE LATE.

YES, HERR FLICK.

THERE IS THE DOOR.

THE COAST IS CLEAR.

RENE--

IF WE ARE SPITTED,
IT WILL NOT

BE OOZY TO RUN,
CURRYING A CIFFIN.

WE WILL PROBABLY
END UP IN A CIFFIN. COME ON.

WHAT IS THE MATTER?

MY DICKY TICKER.

I DO NOT THINK
I SHOULD ENTER THE CASTLE.

THE STAIRS
WILL BE TOO MUCH FOR ME.

WELL, I THINK
YOU ARE SHOWING A YELLOW STREAK.

GUARD YOUR TONGUE,
MONSIEUR.

I COME FROM A LONG LINE
OF BRAVE UNDERTAKERS.

- ( laughs )
- OUR HONOR IS SACRED.

- YOUR HONOR?
- STOP RABBITING AND FOLLOW RENE.

SEE? THE KEY FITS.

( creaks )

SOUNDS LIKE YOUR MOTHER
GETTING OUT OF BED.

HAVE THEY NEVER
HEARD OF THREE-IN-ONE IN THIS CHATEAU?

( gramophone playing )

( singing )
♪ I CAN'T HELP IT... ♪

YOU DANCE
DIVINELY, GENERAL.

OH, SO DO YOU, HELGA.

IT MOST BE MOST UNUSUAL
FOR A GENERAL

TO BE DANCING
WITH A LANCE CORPORAL.

IN WARTIME WE TAKE
WHAT WE CAN GET.

MY SERGEANT'S STRIPES
STILL SEEM A LONG WAY AWAY.

IN MY ESTIMATION,
THEY ARE ABOUT FROM HERE TO THAT SOFA.

( crashing )

THE HINDLE CAME OFF.

COME ON.

WHAT WAS THAT NOISE?

I'M SURE IT WAS
NOTHING IMPORTANT.

SHOULD YOU NOT
INVESTIGATE?

OH, VERY WELL.

THERE IS THE STAIRCASE.

AT THE TOP
OF THE STAIRCASE IS ANOTHER STAIRCASE.

I REMEMBER IT
FROM WHEN I WAS A SERVING GIRL.

IT LEADS
TO THE EAST TOWER.

WHAT WAS THAT NOISE?

I WAS DUSTING...

AND I KNOCKED
OVER A BUST...

OF NAPOLEON.

I'VE CLEANED IT UP.

- SEE THAT I'M
NOT DISTURBED. - YES, GENERAL.

GOOD NIGHT.

I CANNOT CARRY
A COFFIN DOWN THOSE STAIRS

WITH MY
TRICKY TRUSS.

I SHALL STAY
DOWN HERE AS A LOOKOUT.

I THINK IT IS NOT
THE TRUSS THAT IS STOPPING YOU.

I THINK YOU HAVE
NOT THE BOTTLE.

ARE YOU CALLING ME
A COWARD?

IF THE CAP FITS.

YOU HAVE GONE
TOO FAR, MONSIEUR.

EN GARDE.

( swords clashing )

THOSE FOOLS.

STOP THEM, SOMEBODY.
THEY WILL GET US ALL SHOT.

WHAT ARE THEY
DEEING?

IT IS A MATTER OF HONOR.
THEY BOTH COME FROM NOBLE FAMILIES.

NOBLE FAMILIES?
THEY'RE OLD BURGLARS.

STOP IT, STOP IT!

YOU WILL GET US
ALL KILLED.

OH, THOSE
STUPID FOOLS.

WHAT ARE THEY
PLAYING AT?

IT IS A MATTER
OF A FRENCHMAN'S HONOR.

YOU WOULD NOT
UNDERSTAND.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
I WOULD NOT UNDERSTAND?

WHAT DO YOU KNOW
ABOUT HONOR?

FLOGGING YOUR MUTTON
IN THE SEWERS OF PARIS.

- OOH!
- OH!

OW!

STOP IT!

WHAT IS THE MATTER
WITH EVERYBODY?

OH, HECK!

GRUBER, WHAT'S
ALL THIS RUMPUS?

IT IS ALL RIGHT,
COLONEL,

JUST THE GUARDS
INDULGING IN A LITTLE HORSEPLAY.

MAKE SURE IT DOESN'T
DISTURB THE GENERAL.

HE WILL NOT EASILY
BE DISTURBED.

( owl hoots )

I'M SORRY I AM LATE,
HERR FLICK.

THEY WERE STILL
SEWING ON MY MEDALS.

HOW DARE YOU
WEAR THE UNIFORM

OF A FIELD MARSHAL.

IT WAS THE ONLY ONE
THAT FITTED.

TRY TO BE
INCONSPICUOUS.

HALT!

MY NAME IS
CAPTAIN HEISENGERKIN.

I AM HERE TO COLLECT
THE BRITISH AIRMEN. LET ME PASS.

I'M SORRY,
I CANNOT ADMIT ANYBODY

OF A RANK
LESS THAN MAJOR.

HOW ABOUT
A FIELD MARSHAL?

PASS, FIELD MARSHAL.

FOLLOW ME,
CAPTAIN HEISENGERKIN.

MICHELLE, I HAVE JUST
HEARD SOMEBODY MOVING ABOUT UPSTAIRS.

LET US GET OUT OF HERE
WHILE WE STILL CAN.

WE CANNOT YET
ABANDON OUR MISSION.

WE WILL HIDE DOWNSTAIRS
UNTIL ALL GOES QUIET.

SHH!

( swords clashing )

OH, NO.
NOT AGAIN.

ENOUGH!
STOP IT.

STOP IT,
YOU OLD FOOLS.

WOULD YOU BEHAVE
YOURSELVES?

GRUBER,
WHAT IS GOING ON?

NOTHING OF WHICH
I AM AWARE, GENERAL.

GRUBER, WHAT IS
ALL THIS NOISE?

WHO ARE
THESE OFFICERS?

I DO NOT KNOW.
I'M VERY CONFUSED.

STAND ASIDE
FOR FIELD MARSHAL VON CRANCKENFART.

YOU ARE NOT
FIELD MARSHAL VON CRANCKENFART.

AN IMPOSTER.
CALL OUT THE GUARD!

CALL OUT THE GUARD!

Man:
CALL OUT THE GUARD!

OH MY GOD, THEY'RE
CALLING OUT THE GUARD.

LET US SCARPER.

WAIT FOR MOO.

WHO'S MOO?

( theme music playing )