'Allo 'Allo (1982–1992): Season 6, Episode 3 - The Nouvion Oars - full transcript

Because they were disguised as British airmen, Herr Flick and Von Smallhausen have been captured and are taken to Von Klinkerhoffen who asks a description of the Resistance members. When Von Klinkerhoffen doesn't believe the description Flick and Von Smallhausen give, he demands Helga to marry Herr Flick so she can keep an eye on him because he doesn't trust Flick one bit. Meanwhile, the British airmen are finally going into the canal to go to the submarine that's waiting for them.

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---
( theme music playing )

( doorbell dings )

IF YOU HAD BEEN HERE
10 MINUTES AGO,

YOU WOULD HAVE
SEEN ME DISGUISED AS THE HUNCHBACK OF NOTRE DAME.

THIS DISGUISE
WAS TO DECEIVE HERR FLICK OF THE GESTAPO

AND HIS ASSISTANT
VON SMALLHAUSEN,

WHO WERE
THEMSELVES DISGUISED AS BRITISH AIRMEN

IN THE HOPE
OF FINDING OUT WHO IT WAS

THAT IS HELPING THEM
TO ESCAPE.

THEY WERE ADMITTED
TO A DESERTED CHATEAU

BY MY WAITRESS MIMI,
DISGUISED AS A BALD TOOTHLESS MANSERVANT;



YVETTE,
DISGUISED AS THE BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN;

MONSIEUR LECLERC
DISGUISED AS A FOOTMAN

WITH FOUR ARMS;

AND MY WIFE EDITH,
DISGUISED AS A CACKLING OLD CRONE.

THESE DESCRIPTIONS
WILL BE CIRCULATED.

BUT NOW WE HAVE
RETURNED TO NORMAL,

THE THEORY IS THAT WE
WILL NEVER BE TRACED.

THOUGH I AM
A LITTLE BIT WORRIED ABOUT EDITH...

WHO EVEN WITH MAKEUP,
DOES NOT LOOK ALL THAT DIFFERENT

FROM HER NORMAL
APPEARANCE.

RENE,
MICHELLE IS HERE.

SHE WISHES
TO SPEAK TO YOU URGENTLY.

OH, HECK.

WE HAVE LOST
OFFICER CRABTREE.



CONGRATULATIONS.

I HAVE HERE HIS UNIFORM
AND A SOLVENT TO REMOVE FROM HIS HEAD

- THE FALSE EARS
OF HIS DISGUISE. - WHY BRING THEM HERE?

HE CANNOT GO
TO THE POLICE STATION IN HIS PRESENT STATE

SO I'VE ARRANGED
TO HAVE HIM DIRECTED HERE.

GOOD MOANING.

WHAT ARE YOU
DOING HERE?

I AM BEING FELLOWED.

A VERY LARGE
GERMAN SONTRY HAS BEEN CHITTING ME UP.

I THINK
HE FONCIES ME.

THEY WILL GO
FOR ANYTHING IN A SKIRT.

HE MUST BE
VERY DESPERATE.

HE WAS.
I COULD NOT RUN.

I HAD MY KNOCKERS
ROUND MY ANKLES.

HERE IS YOUR UNIFORM.

YOU CAN CHANGE
IN MY BEDROOM.

I WILL CHECK
IF THE COAST IS CLEAR.

YES. GO NOW.
ONLY MY REGULAR CUSTOMERS ARE IN THE CAFE.

( whistles and catcalls)

SOXIST POSANTS.

YOU ARE CRIMPET MAD.

LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY.

MY PEOPLE HAVE
DISMANTLED THE MECHANISM

OF THE TELESCOPIC AERIAL
THAT WAS IN THE GRAVEYARD.

WHILE YOU
WERE AT THE CHATEAU,

THEY REASSEMBLED IT
IN THE BEDROOM OF YOUR WIFE'S MOTHER.

NOW IT IS TIME
TO SEND A MESSAGE TO LONDON,

TO ARRANGE FOR THE SUBMARINE
TO MEET THE BRITISH AIRMEN.

WHERE ARE THEY NOW?

THEY ARE NEAR THE CANAL
WITH THEIR UPTURNED BATH,

WAITING FOR INSTRUCTIONS
TO MEET THE SUBMARINE.

UNDERSTAND THIS
CLEARLY, MICHELLE:

THESE ARE THE LAST
AIRMEN TO HIDE HERE. I WILL HAVE NO MORE OF IT.

DO YOU NOT REALIZE
HOW LUCKY YOU ARE TO BE SELECTED

TO BE THE HERO
OF THE RESISTANCE?

THERE ARE THOUSANDS
WAITING TO FILL YOUR SHOES.

GOOD.
WHEEL IN NUMBER ONE.

GET TO THE ATTIC.
WE MUST SEND THE MESSAGE.

AND SEE, EDITH,
THIS IS THE MATERIAL

FROM WHICH
THEY WILL FASHION

MY WEDDING GOWN.

OH!
IT IS BEAUTIFUL, MAMA.

BLACK MARKET,

400 FRANCS A YARD.

AND FROM THIS ONE,
THEY WILL MAKE UP

THE DRESSES
FOR THE BRIDESMAIDS.

IT FEELS VERY
HARD-WEARING.

OH, IT IS.
IT IS GOOD STUFF.

MONSIEUR ALFONSE
USES THE VERY SAME

TO LINE HIS
MOST EXPENSIVE COFFINS.

MICHELLE WISHES
TO SEND A MESSAGE TO LONDON.

MY MOTHER
WAS JUST ABOUT TO HAVE HER NAP.

WE WILL DISTRESS HER
AS LITTLE AS POSSIBLE.

YOU SHOULD NOT
HAVE FITTED A SKYLIGHT

IN MY ROOF
WITHOUT MY PERMISSION.

I FEEL... EXPOSED.

NOBODY CAN SEE YOU
FROM UP THERE, YOU SILLY OLD BAT.

WHEN I WAKE
IN THE MORNING,

THE FIRST THING I SEE
IS THE BUM OF A PIGEON.

IT IS TO ALLOW
OUR TELESCOPIC AERIAL

TO RISE TO ITS
OPERATIONAL HEIGHT.

COME, WE MUST
SEND THE SIGNAL.

( creaking )

WHAT IS HAPPENING?
OH! OH!

AM I TO BE CRUSHED
LIKE A BEETLE?

QUICK, THE RADIO.

( Fanny moaning )

WHAT IS GOING ON?

WATCH, AND ALL
WILL BE REVEALED.

( creaking )

( whirring )

QUICK. HERE IS
THE MESSAGE.

HELLO LONDON.
THIS IS NIGHTHAWK CALLING. OVER.

Hello, Nighthawk.

We are receiving you
very loud and clear.

Pass your message.
Over.

THE COW IS READY
TO JUMP OVER THE MOON.

JACK AND JILL
ARE STANDING BY IN THE BUCKET.

Message received
and understood.

MICHELLE,
I CANNOT UNGLEE MY EARS.

EDITH,
WHY HAVE I,

IN MY ROOM,

A SIX-FOOT PIXIE?

HERE, TAKE THE SOLVENT.

OH, LOOK!
IT IS BEGINNING TO SNOW.

- OH, NO.
- All: OOH!

CANCEL THE WEDDING!

I CANNOT
HAVE MY HONEYMOON

UNDER
THESE CONDITIONS.

QUICK, PULL DOWN
THE AERIAL.

YOU CANNOT DO THIS
TO MY MOTHER.

OH, EARNEST WILL BE
FROZEN STIFF.

IF HE IS A TRUE FRENCHMAN,
HE WILL NOT COMPLAIN.

I WILL COLLAPSE
THE AERIAL.

( whirring )

IT IS A BUZZARD.

THEY FEED ON THE DEAD.

GO AWAY.
COME BACK AFTER THE HONEYMOON.

( bird squawking )

NEVER IN MY ENTIRE
MILITARY CAREER

HAVE I KNOWN ONE
OF MY BRILLIANT PLANS

TO BE SO MONSTROUSLY
COCKED UP.

YOU'RE
INCOMPETENT FOOLS.

GENERALI, HOW CAN
YOU SAY THIS?

MY MEN, THEY JUMP-A
FROM-A THE PLANE

IN THE BRITISH CLOUDS,
WITH THE BIG-A THE MUSTACHE,

AND-A THEY SMOKE-A
THE PEEPS.

AND THEY WALK ABOUT
IN THE WOODS

IMPERSONATING
THE BRITISH OFFICERS.

THEY GO,
"FA FA FA FA."

"FA FA?"
"FA FA."

"FA FA.
OH, FA FA."

"FA FA-FA-FA."

AND THEN-A THEY DROP-A
THEIR ANISEED BALLS.

BUT DO YOUR BLOODHOUNDS
FOLLOW THE SCENT? NO.

WHAT HAPPENS?
NO MEET THE RESISTANCE, NO MEET-A THE DOGS.

IT'S GRUBER'S FAULT.
HE COULDN'T GET BLOODHOUNDS.

HE BOUGHT POODLES.

BORROWED
FROM FRENCH TARTS.

I OWE THEM
5,000 FRANCS FOR LOSS OF BUSINESS.

GENERAL,
TWO BRITISH AIRMEN

HAVE BEEN APPREHENDED
BY OUR PATROLS.

THEY ARE OUTSIDE.

AH! AT LEAST SOMEONE
IS ON THE BALL.

BRING THEM IN.

IN HERE!

YOUR IDIOT SOLDIERS
REFUSED TO BELIEVE

THAT WE ARE OFFICERS
OF THE GESTAPO.

THEY WERE
VERY RUDE TO US.

THEY CALLED ME
"SHORTY."

NEVER MIND THIS.
DID YOU MAKE CONTACT WITH THE RESISTANCE?

WE DID.
WE WISH YOU TO ARREST

PERSON OR PERSONS
WHO ANSWER

TO THE FOLLOWING
DESCRIPTIONS--

GRUBER, TAKE NOTES.

ONE BALD-HEADED
MIDGET BUTLER

WITH ONE
TOOTH.

ONE HUNCHBACK
MONSTER.

ONE BRIDE
OF FRANKENSTEIN.

ONE VERY OLD
CACKLING CRONE.

SHE HAD
A VERY LONG NOSE,

BUT OTHERWISE,
WAS NOT UNLIKE MADAM EDITH.

ONE FOOTMAN.

ANY FEATURES
YOU PARTICULARLY REMEMBER?

HE HAD FOUR ARMS.

AND HOW DID YOU
FIND THE RENDEZVOUS WHERE YOU MET

THESE EXTRAORDINARY
PEOPLE?

WE WERE LED THERE
BY A GIRL,

SIX FOOT TALL,
WITH A MUSTACHE

AND EARS LIKE A JUG.

WITH HER KNICKERS
ROUND HER ANKLES.

CLEARLY YOU
ARE GIVING US THESE LUDICROUS DESCRIPTIONS

BECAUSE YOU
WISH THE GESTAPO

TO TAKE THE CREDIT
FOR THE CAPTURE OF THE RESISTANCE PEOPLE.

I'M WARNING YOU--
YOU'LL BE KEPT UNDER VERY CLOSE OBSERVATION.

YOU WILL NOT BE ABLE
TO GO TO THE BATHROOM WITHOUT ME KNOWING ABOUT IT.

MEANWHILE,
BERLIN WILL BE INFORMED

OF YOUR PERVERSE ANTICS
AND YOUR RECALCITRANT DEMEANOR,

WHICH HAS EXACERBATED
THE QUID PRO QUO,

VIS-A-VIS
INTERDEPARTMENTAL RELATIONSHIPS.

COME, VON SMALLHAUSEN,

TO OUR DICTIONARIES.

GENERAL,
ON THE TELEPHONE IS A CALL

FROM OUR WIRELESS
MONITORING STATION.

- GET IT, GRUBER.
- YES, GENERAL.

YES? YES.

YES, I SEE.

I WILL CONVEY THIS
TO THE GENERAL.

GENERAL, MESSAGES
HAVE BEEN INTERCEPTED

BETWEEN NOUVION
AND LONDON BY OUR WIRELESS MONITORING SERVICE.

- WHAT DID THEY SAY?
- WELL, IT WOULD APPEAR

THAT A COW IS READY

TO JUMP OVER THE MOON,

AND JACK AND JILL
ARE STANDING IN A BUCKET.

( sighs )
OBVIOUSLY OUR MONITORING STATION

HAS BEEN INFILTRATED
BY THE GESTAPO.

ARREST THE OPERATORS
AND PLACE THEM WITH TRUSTED MEN.

YES, GENERAL.

THE PROBLEM REMAINS:
HOW DO WE KEEP TABS

ON HERR FLICK
OF THE GESTAPO?

HELGA IS VERY
CLOSE TO HIM.

THEY'RE KEEN
TO MARRY.

IT IS HERR FLICK
WHO IS KEEN TO MARRY.

I AM AMBIVALENT.

YES, I QUITE UNDERSTAND
YOUR POSITION.

YOU WILL BECOME
KEEN AT ONCE.

YOU WILL MARRY HERR FLICK
AND STICK TO HIM LIKE GLUE.

YOU WILL REPORT
BACK TO US AND WE WILL MOP UP THE RESISTANCE.

AND THEN
I WILL ASK THE FUHRER TO ANNUL THE MARRIAGE.

IS THIS NOT
A HEAVY RESPONSIBILITY FOR A LANCE CORPORAL?

IF YOU SUCCEED,
YOU COULD RISE INSTANTLY

TO THE RANK
OF SERGEANT,

AND I WILL RECOMMEND YOU
FOR A POST ON THE STAFF

OF ONE OF THE FUHRER'S
LOVE CAMPS, WHERE YOU WILL BE SURROUNDED

BY THE CREAM OF BLOND-HAIRED
GERMAN MANHOOD.

WHO COULD REFUSE
SUCH AN OFFER?

WHO INDEED?

( knocks )

IS THERE
ANYBODY THERE?

'ALLO, 'ALLO?

( knocks )
IS THERE ANYBODY IN THERE?

- ( both ) HELLO.
- HELLO.

IT'S THAT DREADFUL MAN
FROM THE CAFE.

LOOK, HE'S GOT FOOD.

THERE IS A MESSAGE
FROM MICHELLE.

IT IS IN THE SANDWICH.

- WHAT DID HE SAY?
- I DON'T KNOW.

I DON'T SPEAK A WORD
OF THE LANGUAGE.

EW!

THE DAMN THING'S
FULL OF PAPER.

LOOK, THERE'S
WRITING ON IT.

I THINK IT WAS A MESSAGE.
IT'S SIGNED "MICHELLE."

WHAT DOES IT SAY?

"ANAL 'UBMARINE"

SHE'S A FUNNY
SORT OF A GIRL, ISN'T SHE?

I HAVE IT!
THEY WANT US TO GO DOWN THE CANAL,

AND MEET THE SUBMARINE.

AH WELL, HERE GOES.

( knocking on door )

ENTER.

THE GENERAL HAS SENT YOU
THIS BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE,

AND HOPES
THAT THESE QUARTERS

WILL BE SUITABLE
FOR YOUR PURPOSE.

TELL THE GENERAL
I'M OVERWHELMED.

YOU WILL SEE
THAT THERE IS ALSO

ONE SMALL POT
OF CAVIAR,

WHICH, AS YOU MAY KNOW,
IS AN APHRODISIAC.

OH MY.

YOUR MESSAGE
SUMMONING HERR FLICK

WAS DELIVERED
HALF AN HOUR AGO.

THE GENERAL
IS MOST ANXIOUS

THAT THE MARRIAGE
TAKE PLACE AS SOON AS POSSIBLE

AND BE CONSUMMATED
WITHOUT DELAY,

SO THAT THE SPYING
MAY COMMENCE.

I HOPE THE ANNULMENT
MAY BE ARRANGED

WITH THE SAME SPEED.

- ( knocking on door )
- ENTER.

HERE ARE THE FLOWERS
THAT YOU ORDERED, LIEUTENANT.

NOT YET.
THEY ARE TO BE DELIVERED

AFTER THE ARRIVAL
OF HERR FLICK.

VERY GOOD.
( clicks heels )

ATTACHED--

ATTACHED
TO THE FLOWERS IS A NOTE,

SEEMINGLY
FROM AN ADMIRER.

THE PURPOSE OF THIS
IS TO DRIVE HER FLICK MAD WITH JEALOUSY,

SO THAT HE WILL,
AS IT WERE, GET HIS FINGER OUT.

I SEE.
AT WHAT STAGE OF THE PROCEEDINGS

DO YOU EXPECT
THESE FLOWERS TO ARRIVE?

AT THE POP
OF THE CHAMPAGNE CORK.

- GOOD.
- GOOD LUCK.

YOUR SERGEANT'S STRIPES
ARE IN THE DRAWER

OF THE GENERAL'S
BUREAU.

AND I HAVE
VOLUNTEERED

TO DRIVE YOU TO
THE LOVE CAMP.

( gramophone playing )

( singing )
♪ I CAN'T HELP IT... ♪

THE GENERAL
THINKS OF EVERYTHING.

( knocking on door )

( gramophone stops )

ENTER.

IT SEEMS
THAT THE GERMAN ARMY

TAKE VERY GOOD CARE
OF THEIR PRIVATES.

I'M NOW
A LANCE CORPORAL.

OF COURSE.
THAT EXPLAINS IT.

I FORGOT.
THIS IS THE FIRST TIME YOU'VE SEEN MY QUARTERS.

LET ME TAKE YOUR COAT.

YOUR NOTE
INDICATED THAT YOU WISH TO DISCUSS WITH ME

SOMETHING
OF GREAT IMPORTANCE.

YES, I DO.
SIT DOWN.

( restarts gramophone )

MAY I REMOVE
YOUR GESTAPO HAT?

IF YOU WISH.
BUT DO IT WITH CARE.

I HAVE JUST HAD
A SHORT BACK AND SIDES.

HERR FLICK,
YOU HAVE IN THE PAST

DONE ME THE HONOR
OF PROPOSING TO ME MARRIAGE.

I CANNOT KEEP YOU
DANGLING ANY LONGER.

I WAS NOT, UNTIL NOW,
AWARE THAT I WAS DANGLING.

I AM THEREFORE
TAKING THE BULL BY THE HORNS

AND ASKING YOU
TO MARRY ME.

TAKE ME, HERR FLICK.
I AM IN THE FLOOD OF MY YOUTH.

THIS I CAN SEE.

IN FACT, SOME OF IT
IS SPILLING OVER.

WE'D BETTER
HAVE THE CHAMPAGNE.

HOW TYPICAL
OF THE FRENCH.

THEY PUT THINGS IN
WITH NEVER A THOUGHT

OF HOW TO GET
THEM OUT AGAIN.

- ( mimics cork popping )
- ( knocking on door )

MY, MY.
WHO CAN THIS BE?

ENTER.

THESE FLOWERS
WERE DELIVERED FOR YOU.

EXIT.

OH, DEAR.

WILL VON NOOKHAUSEN
NEVER LEAVE ME ALONE?

- ( china breaking )
- ( Von Smallhausen screams )

ARE YOU
JEALOUS THAT ADMIRERS SEND ME FLOWERS?

NO. I AM
MORE CONCERNED

THAT YOU HAVE
RENDERED UNCONSCIOUS VON SMALLHAUSEN.

HE WAITS WITH MY CAR.

HOWEVER, HE WILL
PROBABLY RECOVER.

WHERE WERE WE?

I WAS ACCEPTING
YOUR PROPOSAL OF MARRIAGE.

HOW DO YOU FANCY
A LITTLE SNACK?

TAKE IT AWAY, HELGA.

I CAN NEVER
BRING MYSELF TO EAT

THE LITTLE BALLS
OF THE FISH.

THIS BRINGS ME
TO THE RING.

I HAVE NOT YET
CHOSEN A RING.

BUT I HAVE.

RUBIES AND PEARLS.

HELGA, I AM MOST TOUCHED.

IT IS A LITTLE SMALL.

IT IS FOR ME.
( laughs )

SEE?

HELGA, YOU MUST
UNDERSTAND

THAT ALTHOUGH I HAVE
A SUNNY AND OUTGOING PERSONALITY,

I AM BY NATURE
SHY.

THIS IS BECAUSE
I WAS AN ORPHAN AND WAS RAISED

BY SOME VERY OLD NUNS.

THEY FAILED TO DRAW
TO MY ATTENTION

ONE OR TWO
ESSENTIAL DIFFERENCES

BETWEEN THE BOY BEES
AND THE GIRL BEES.

FOR THIS REASON,
AT THIS MOMENT,

I DO NOT KNOW WHETHER
I AM ON MY HEAD OR MY HEELS.

TRY YOUR BACK.

MIMI, MY WIFE
IS ABOUT TO SING.

HURRY UP
WITH THE CHEESE.

THE GERMANS WANT IT
FOR THEIR EARS.

OH, RENE.
YOU HAVE NOT

HUGGED AND KISSED ME
SINCE I WAS DRESSED

AS A LITTLE OLD
BALD-HEADED BUTLER WITH ONE TOOTH.

WELL, YOU DID LOOK
A BIT LIKE YOUR MOTHER.

EMBRACE ME, RENE.

OH, ALL RIGHT.
HERE.

STAND ON THE STOOL.

RENEW MY
CONFIDENCE, RENE.

TURN THE KEY THAT UNLOCKS
THE PASSION IN MY BODY.

MAKE THE DRUMS
SOUND IN MY HEAD.

( thumping on door )

IT IS WORKING.

IT IS THE DOOR!

- ( piano playing )
- HURRY UP WITH THE CHEESE.

MONSIEUR LECLERC
IS HALFWAY THROUGH THE INTRODUCTION.

YES, HURRY UP
WITH THE CHEESE, MIMI.

DO NOT HANG ABOUT
IN THE LARDER.

( growls )
OH, RENE!

OH, I CANNOT
STAND THE STRAIN

OF OUR SECRET ROMANCE
MUCH LONGER.

MY HAIR IS BEGINNING
TO FALL OUT.

I TOO HAVE BEEN
UNDER GREAT STRAIN, YVETTE.

THERE IS ONLY
ONE THOUGHT IN MY HEAD.

YOU YOU YOU.

I AM THE SAME.

ME ME ME.

- OH, RENE.
- OH, YVETTE.

HOW LONG HAVE WE GOT?

HALF THE INTRO
AND TWO CHORUSES.

( both gasp )

( piano playing )

( singing tunelessly )
♪ HAPPY FEET ♪

♪ I'VE GOT
THOSE HAPPY FEET ♪

♪ I'VE GOT THOSE
HAP-HAP-HAP-HAP ♪

♪ HAPPY FEET. ♪

I WONDER WHERE
SHE LEARNED THE DANCING?

I THINK
KILLING COCKROACHES IN HER KITCHEN.

RENE, YOU HAVE MISSED
MY CABARET.

I WAS IN THE LARDER,
DEALING WITH ANOTHER HAM.

PSST!
MICHELLE, BACKROOM.

WHY DOES SHE
ALWAYS HAVE TO COME WHEN WE ARE BUSY?

( shoes tapping )

SHUT UP.

Rene:
NOW MICHELLE, PLEASE HURRY.

I HAVE GERMANS
IN MY CAFE.

IN THAT CASE
I SHALL SAY THIS ONLY ONCE:

WE MUST BE
AT THE RENDEZVOUS

TO MAKE SURE
THAT THE AIRMEN MEET THE SUBMARINE AND GET AWAY.

I HAVE A BOAT
STANDING BY.

WHAT EXCUSE
HAVE WE GOT TO BE IN A BOAT IN THE ESTUARY?

NOUVION IS RENOWNED
FOR ITS ROWING EIGHT.

YOUR FOUR WILL BE JOINED
BY FOUR OF MY GIRLS

POSING AS
THE CLUB TEAM.

WHEN I WAS
A YOUNG GIRL I WAS A MEMBER.

WE WERE KNOWN AS
"THE NOUVION OARS."

HOW WILL WE
FIND THE SUBMARINE?

A MARKER WILL BE
SENT TO THE SURFACE.

AND HOW ARE WE
TO RECOGNIZE THIS MARKER?

SIMPLE. IT WILL BE
A RADIO-CONTROLLED GOOSE.

THERE ARE
IN THE ESTUARY MANY GEESE.

HOW DO WE KNOW
WHICH ONE IS THE MARKER?

ITS EYES WILL FLASH.

IT WILL EMIT SMOKE
FROM THE OTHER END.

WELL, THAT SHOULD
HELP IT TO STAND OUT FROM THE CROWD.

BE ON THE SHORE, 9:30,
BY THE CLUBHOUSE, TOMORROW.

- NOW LOOK, MICHELLE--
- IF YOU ARE GOING INTO ONE OF YOUR WHINGEING MOODS,

I WILL CALL OFF THE
WHOLE OPERATION AND PUT THE AIRMEN BACK IN YOUR CELLAR.

- OH, NO NO NO.
ANYTHING BUT THAT. - GOOD.

I WILL NOW DISAPPEAR
THROUGH YOUR WINDOW, PAST YOUR DUSTBINS.

I CANNOT WAIT
FOR THE WAR TO BE OVER.

THEN I CAN
TELL THAT GIRL

WHAT A BOSSY PAIN IN THE NECK
SHE HAS BECOME.

I HAVE NOT
GONE YET.

COLONEL,
I HAVE NEWS.

VON RATHAUS
HAS REPORTED

STRANGE ACTIVITIES
IN THE ESTUARY.

THE GENERAL
IS MYSTIFIED

AND REQUIRES US
TO INVESTIGATE.

( faux French accent )
I CANNOT SUE ANYBODY WITH MY BINICULARS.

I THINK THE CURST
IS CLEAR.

WHY DO YOU
NOT CURRY AN EAR?

BECAUSE I HAVE
A MOGAPHONE.

CLEVER DOCK.

- ( motor splutters )
- IT WILL NOT GO.

WHAT DO WE DO?

CAPTAIN BERTORELLI,
GET OUT AND GIVE US A PUSH START.

I HAVE-A
THE BETTER IDEA.

( chuckles )

BEFORE THE WAR,

I WAS THE GONDOLIER
IN VENICE. MMWAH!

( mimicking opera )
♪ JUST-A ONE OAR'S A-BETTER ♪

♪ THAN TWO YOU SEE... ♪

- Carstairs: WHERE ARE WE?
- Fairfax: I DON'T KNOW.

I'VE GOT FROG SPAWN
ON MY PERISCOPE.

- LEND ME YOUR HANKY.
- CERTAINLY NOT.

WHAT ARE WE
LOOKING FOR?

WE'RE LOOKING
FOR A FLASHING GOOSE.

- CANADIAN?
- ALMOST CERTAINLY.

( motor rumbling,
radar pinging )

CAN YOU
SEE ANYTHING, SIR?

NOT A LOT.
WE'RE IN THE ESTUARY,

BUT I'M NOT
QUITE SURE WHERE.

DOWN PERISCOPE.

SHALL I
SEND UP THE GOOSE?

YES.
GOOD IDEA.

FIRE NUMBER ONE.

- ( distant rumble )
- Goose away.

- GOOSE AWAY, SIR.
- JOLLY GOOD SHOW.

( soft bubbling )

ALL WE CAN DO NOW
IS WAIT.

HAVE YOU GOT ANYTHING
ON YOUR ASDIC?

NO, SIR.
IT CLEARED UP LAST WEEK.

IN, OUT, IN, OUT--

SHUT UP,
YOU OLD FOOL.

WE STOPPED ROWING
FIVE MINUTES AGO.

RENE, MICHELLE
IS COMING ALONGSIDE

IN THE FUNERAL BOAT
OF MONSIEUR ALFONSE.

( motor rumbling )

HAVE YOU SEEN
THE UPTURNED BATH CONTAINING THE AIRMEN?

NO, WE HAVE NOT.

THIS IS
A COMPLETE FIASCO.

WHY DO WE NOT JUST ROW HOME
BEFORE WE ALL GET SHOT?

SISSY!

- ( buzzing )
- RENE, A GOOSE IS APPROACHING.

( motor buzzing )

( phone ringing )

SOMEBODY PLEASE
ANSWER THAT GOOSE.

HELLO,
THIS IS BLUE TIT HERE.

AH, HELLO, BLUE TIT.

WHERE ARE THESE
AIRMEN CHAPPIES?

WE CAN'T HANG ABOUT.

WE'RE TRYING
TO LOCATE THEM.

MADAME EDITH,
LOOK!

MICHELLE,
THE GERMANS ARE HEADING TOWARDS US IN A BOAT.

IT'S THE COLONEL
AND LIEUTENANT GRUBER.

SORRY, WE CAN'T
TALK ANYMORE.

WE SEEM TO HAVE
A BIT OF A PROBLEM.

( quacks )

- HEAD TOWARDS THE SHORE!
- AYE AYE, SIR.

SHE'S HUNG UP.

AHOY THERE.

RENE,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING ROWING ABOUT HERE?

HELLO, COLONEL.

WE ARE
THE CHAMPION ROWING CLUB.

WE ARE PRACTICING
FOR THE REGATTA.

Colonel:
CLEAR THE AREA AT ONCE.

YOU HAD
BETTER HIDE.

WE ARE INVESTIGATING
SUSPICIOUS GOINGS-ON.

OH, YES,
CERTAINLY.

ALL TOGETHER,
GIRLS.

IN, OUT, IN, OUT...

IT'S MY OPINION
THAT THERE IS

A SUBMARINE
HERE SOMEWHERE.

I AGREE, GRUBER.
BUT WHERE?

- WHAT'S HAPPENING, SIR?
- I HAVEN'T THE FOGGIEST IDEA.

LET'S SEE
WHAT'S GOING ON. UP PERISCOPE.

IF WE COULD FIND IT,

IT WOULD BE
A FEATHER IN OUR CAPS.

( creaking, crunching )

WE--
WE'RE SINKING!

MAN THE LIFEBOATS!

( all yelling )

( theme music playing )