'Allo 'Allo (1982–1992): Season 6, Episode 1 - Desperate Doings in the Graveyard - full transcript

( theme music playing )

WHAT A MORNING THIS HAS BEEN.
MY WIFE EDITH

HAS JUST BEEN GOING
THROUGH ALL HER SONGS WITH HER NEW PIANIST.

HE, BY A STRANGE
COINCIDENCE,

JUST HAPPENS TO BE
THE TWIN BROTHER

OF MONSIEUR LECLERC,
THE OLD FORGER.

ERNEST--
FOR THAT IS HIS NAME--

WAS BEING VISITED
BY ROGER IN THE NICK,

WHERE HE WAS SERVING
A RATHER LONG SENTENCE

FOR DRIVING A GETAWAY
CAR WITHOUT DUE CARE AND ATTENTION.

ANYWAY, ROGER DECIDED
TO SWAP PLACES WITH HIS BROTHER



BECAUSE HE WAS
OF THE OPINION THAT THE PRISON FOOD

WAS BETTER THAN THAT
BEING SERVED HERE BY MY WIFE EDITH.

SO ERNEST HAS NOW GOT
HIS FEET WELL AND TRULY UNDER OUR TABLE,

BUT IT WILL ONLY BE
A SHORT WHILE

BEFORE HE REALIZES JUST HOW
RIGHT HIS BROTHER WAS ABOUT THE FOOD.

( toilet flushes )

WHAT DID I TELL YOU?

SO IF YOU WILL
BEAR WITH ME,

THOSE OF YOU WITH
GOOD MEMORIES MAY RECALL

THAT A FEW MONTHS AGO,
UPON THE ORDERS OF GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN,

I WAS ARRESTED, PUT IN FRONT
OF A FIRING SQUAD AND SHOT.

FORTUNATELY THE COLONEL
SUBSTITUTED

WOODEN BULLETS
FOR THE REAL ONES.

LIEUTENANT GRUBER,
WHO WAS IN CHARGE OF THE SHOOTING PARTY,



WAS UNAWARE OF THIS
AND STILL BELIEVES

THAT I AM MY OWN
TWIN BROTHER.

LIEUTENANT GRUBER,
YOU MAY REMEMBER, IS THE ONE WHO FANCIES ME.

HE ALSO FANCIED
MY TWIN BROTHER...

WHICH IS HARDLY SURPRISING
BECAUSE THAT WAS ME AS WELL.

ARE YOU WITH ME SO FAR?

SO IN ORDER TO KEEP
UP THE ILLUSION,

FROM TIME TO TIME
EDITH AND I PLACE FLOWERS UPON MY GRAVE.

WELL, THE GRAVE THAT--
SO THERE WE ARE.

A FITTING TRIBUTE
TO A FINE AND MUCH LOVED MAN--

ME.

AH, RENE.

YVETTE,
WHERE IS YOUR HAT?

ARE YOU NOT GOING
WITH ME TO THE CEMETERY?

NO, I HAVE AN APPOINTMENT
AT THE HAIRDRESSER'S.

RENE, WOULD YOU PLACE
FOR ME UPON YOUR GRAVE THIS TRIBUTE?

THE VILLAGE EXPECT IT.

THE VILLAGE WOULD
NOT EXPECT THAT.

AH, RENE.

EDITH, YOU ARE NOT
COMING TO PAY RESPECTS

TO MY SACRED MEMORY
IN YOUR CURLERS.

I AM NOT
COMING AT ALL.

HOW QUICKLY
THEY FORGET.

I HAVE NOT
FORGOTTEN.

THEN YOU HAVE
FLOWERS FOR ME. YOU ARE HIDING THEM BEHIND YOUR BACK.

I THOUGHT YOU COULD
TAKE FOR ME THIS RHUBARB.

THE STALKS ARE TOO FLOPPY
TO MAKE PUDDINGS,

BUT THE LEAVES
ARE QUITE PRETTY.

EDITH, I WILL
NOT BE REMEMBERED WITH FLOPPY RHUBARB.

RENE?

AND I AM NOT HAVING THAT
ON MY GRAVE EITHER.

I WAS DUSTING.
YOU ARE WANTED IN THE BACKROOM

BY MICHELLE
OF THE RESISTANCE.

OH HECK, WHY CAN SHE NOT
TAKE HER BUSINESS ELSEWHERE?

I'M GLAD I CAUGHT
YOU IN TIME.

WE DO NOT WISH YOU
TO GO NEAR THE CHURCHYARD,

IN CASE THE GERMANS
SUSPECT SOMETHING IS GOING ON THERE.

WHAT COULD BE
GOING ON THERE?

BENEATH THE EMPTY GRAVE
WHICH IS SUPPOSED TO CONTAIN

THE BODY OF YOUR DEAD
TWIN BROTHER,

WE ARE BUILDING
A COMMUNICATIONS CENTER.

SIX UNDERTAKERS HAVE
BEEN FOR THE LAST SIX WEEKS,

DAY AND NIGHT,
EXCAVATING.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH A RADIO
IN THE BEDROOM OF MY MOTHER?

THE GERMANS JAM IT.

WE HAVE A NEW PLAN OF ESCAPE
FOR THE BRITISH AIRMEN.

WE MUST BE ABLE TO CONTACT
ENGLAND TO TELL THEM WHEN TO PUT IT INTO EFFECT.

WE NEED A BIGGER AERIAL
TO GIVE OUR SIGNAL MORE POWER.

IT WILL BE READY
FOR TESTING WITHIN THE NEXT 24 HOURS.

WHEN I GIVE THE WORD,

WE WILL ALL GO
TO THE CHURCHYARD AND PLACE ON YOUR GRAVE FLOWERS.

FOR THIS REASON,
YOU MUST NOT GO TODAY.

I DO NOT THINK
THIS RHUBARB WILL LAST UNTIL TOMORROW.

MAKE A PIE
FOR YOUR MOTHER.

I MUST LEAVE
YOU IN GREAT HASTE.

I AM LATE
FOR BOMB PRACTICE.

( explosion )

I THINK THEY HAVE
STARTED WITHOUT YOU.

RENE, OFFICER CRABTREE
IS COMING ACROSS THE SQUARE.

WELL, HE'S NOT COMING
IN MY CAFE AGAIN.

THAT NAPOLEON-FRENCH
ACCENT OF HIS WILL GET US ALL SHOT.

- ( bell rings )
- GOOD MOANING.

WHAT A NICE DEW IT IS
WITH THE SIN SHOWNING

AND NOT A CLOT
IN THE SKY.

YES, IT IS INDEED
A LOVELY DEW.

WILL YOU PLEASE
PASS OFF?

I HAVE GOOD NOSE.

THE BRITISH NAVVY
HAVE A PLIN.

AN AEROPLIN?

NO, A RESCUE PLIN
FOR THE BRITISH EARMEN.

THAT IS INDEED
GOOD NOSE.

DON'T YOU START.

THIS IS THE PLIN--

WHEN THE TIME IS ROOT,
THEY WILL WICK DOWN THE CANAL

TO THE OSTUARY,
WHERE THEY WILL BE POCKED UP BY A SUBMAROONE.

WAIT-- WHAT-- WE--

HOW ARE THEY SUPPOSED
WALK DOWN THE CANAL?

THEY ARE SIX FEET TALL,
THE CANAL IS EIGHT FEET DEEP.

- THEY WILL DROWN.
- THAT IS THE CLEVER BOT.

ON THEIR HODS, THEY WILL
CARRY AN UPTURNED TIN BOTH.

NO, HE HAS LOST ME.

I THINK HE MEANS
A TIN BATH.

THEY HAVE JUST PRACTICED,
AND IT WICKS.

( whistles )

Both:
HELLO!

IF I HAD NOT SEEN
IT WITH MY OWN EYES, I WOULD NOT BELIEVE IT.

IF YOU DO NOT MIND
ME SAYING, HERR FLICK,

YOU WILL SOON WEAR A HOLE
IN OUR COMMANDEERED CARPET.

I WILL CONTINUE PACING

UNTIL I HAVE FOUND AN ANSWER
TO MY QUESTION.

IF I KNEW THE QUESTION
PERHAPS I COULD BE OF HELP.

YOUR SINGLE BRAIN CELL
WOULD BE BETTER EMPLOYED

PUTTING ON THE KETTLE.

YES, HERR FLICK.

STOP.

I HAVE GOT IT.

MAY MY SINGLE BRAIN CELL
ASK WHAT YOU HAVE GOT?

THE ANSWER TO THE QUESTION
THAT HAS VEXED US

EVER SINCE WE FIRST
OCCUPIED THIS TOWN.

HOW DO WE PULL
THE CRUMPET?

THAT IS NOT THE QUESTION
THAT HAS VEXED US.

IT HAS VEXED ME.

THE QUESTION IS THIS:

HOW DO WE DISCOVER WHO
HIDES THE BRITISH AIRMEN

WHEN THEY HAVE
BEEN SHOT DOWN?

ANSWER:
WE DISGUISE OURSELVES

AS BRITISH AIRMEN
WHO HAVE BEEN SHOT DOWN.

I WISH I HAD
THOUGHT OF THAT.

YOU ARE TOO BUSY
THINKING ABOUT CRUMPET.

QUESTION TWO: HOW DO WE
CONVINCE THE RESISTANCE

THAT WE ARE GENUINE
BRITISH AIRMEN?

WE CARRY CRICKET BATS.

GOOD THINKING...
BUT RATHER OBVIOUS!

NO.

WE WEAR BRITISH UNIFORMS,

AND WE BOTH JUMP
OUT OF A CAPTURED BRITISH WELLINGTON.

ARE BRITISH WELLINGTONS
BIG ENOUGH?

I'M TALKING
ABOUT A BRITISH WELLINGTON BOMBER.

THE RESISTANCE WILL THEN
TAKE US TO THEIR SECRET HEADQUARTERS,

WE WILL MAKE
A NOTE OF ITS WHEREABOUTS AND THEIR IDENTITIES,

AND WE WILL
RETURN WITH THE ARMY TO EFFECT THE CAPTURE.

OH, A MOST INGENIOUS PLAN,
HERR FLICK.

I CANNOT SEE IT FAILING.

THEN WE HAVE
BUT ONE TASK--

TO LEARN ENOUGH ENGLISH
TO FOOL THE FRENCH.

FORTUNATELY,
THE GESTAPO HAVE PROVIDED

A COMPREHENSIVE
RECORD LIBRARY.

HERE IT IS.

"TIBETAN IN THREE MONTHS."

"THERE WILL BE BIG BOMBERS
OVER THE WHITE CLIFFS OF DOVER TOMORROW.

JUST YOU WAIT AND SEE!"

SUNG BY GOERING.

AH, HERE'S THE ONE.

"HOW TO FOOL THE FRENCH
THAT YOU ARE ENGLISH

IN ONE EASY LESSON."

( static hisses )

Man on record:
Here is the English to fool the French peasants.

Repeat after me.

Fa fa fa fa fa fa fa.

Fa fa fa fa
fa fa fa.

( both repeating )

PRIVATE HELGA!

YOU BEAUTIFUL LADY!
I KISS-A YOUR HAND.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING
WITH MY TYPEWRITER?

I COMPOSE FOR YOU
THE BEAUTIFUL-A POEM.

YOU LISTEN GOOD.

"YOUR WONDERFUL
SMILE

DRIVES ME OUT
OF MY WITS.

I LOVE-A YOUR EYES
AND YOUR--"

CAPTAIN BERTORELLI!

"--AND YOUR OTHER
NICE BITS.

I GOT A SURPRISE,
AND I HOPE-A THAT IT FITS."

- CAPTAIN BERTORELLI!
- ALL-A THE WAY FROM ITALY.

THE SILK,
A LIBERTY BODICE.

SEE?

IN IT THERE IS
A LOT OF LIBERTY.

Colonel: HELGA!

I MUST GO,
THE COLONEL WANTS ME.

WE ALL WANT YOU.
( growls )

OH, CAPTAIN.

YOU CALLED,
COLONEL?

I'VE BEEN CALLING YOU
FOR HALF AN HOUR.

- WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
- I'VE BEEN WITH HERR FLICK.

AND WHAT NASTINESS
IS HE COOKING UP?

I HAVE TO REPORT,
HE HAS A MOST INGENIOUS PLAN

TO FIND OUT WHO IS HELPING
THE BRITISH AIRMEN TO ESCAPE.

HERR FLICK
AND HERR VON SMALLHAUSEN

INTEND TO
DISGUISE THEMSELVES AS BRITISH AIRMEN,

SO THAT THE RESISTANCE
WILL PICK THEM UP

AND TAKE THEM
TO THEIR SECRET HIDING PLACE.

I DO NOT LIKE THE IDEA
OF THE GESTAPO BEING SUCCESSFUL

WHERE WE HAVE FAILED.

BUT, COLONEL,

SUPPOSE THE TRAIL SHOULD
LEAD TO THE CAFE AND RENE.

IF RENE'S INVOLVED,
IT'S ENTIRELY HIS OWN FAULT.

WE'VE WARNED HIM
OFTEN ENOUGH.

COULD WE NOT
DROP HIM A HINT?

NO, GRUBER.
I ABSOLUTELY FORBID YOU TO DROP ANYTHING.

COLONELO, RENE IS
THE GOOD MAN, HUH?

HE HAS THE NICE WIFE,
THE NICE SERVING GIRLS,

WHAT FOR
YOU WANT TO DROP HIM INTO THE WHATSIT?

BECAUSE IF
GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN FINDS OUT

THAT WE'VE
TIPPED HIM OFF, WE COULD ALL BE SHOT!

COULD WE NOT MAKE
AN ANONYMOUS CALL?

LIEUTENANT GRUBER,
THAT'S-A THE GREAT IDEA.

YOU MAKE HIM
THE ANONYMOUS CALL.

I WOULD WILLINGLY DO THIS,

BUT I FEAR THAT
HE WOULD RECOGNIZE THE TONE OF MY VOICE.

QUITE RIGHT, GRUBER.
I WILL MAKE THE CALL.

PUT OVER THE MOUTHPIECE
THE HANDKERCHIEF,

LIKE IN THE GANGSTER MOVIES
WITH-A THE HUMPHREY BOGART.

HOW DOES
HUMPHREY BOGART DO IT?

( as Bogart )
LISTEN, SWEETHEART,

GET OUT OF TOWN OR YOU'RE
GONNA FIND YOURSELF

WEARING A CONCRETE
OVERCOAT-A.

ALL RIGHT,
I'VE GOT IT.

IT'S RINGING.

( phone rings )

CAFE RENE,
CAN I HELP YOU?

( as German Bogart )
LISTEN, SVEETHEART,

GET OUT OF TOWN,
OR YOU VILL FIND YOURSELF

VEARING
A CONCRETE OVERCOAT.

COLONEL, DO YOU WISH
TO ORDER A TABLE?

I THINK THE COLONEL MUST BE
GOING ROUND THE TWIST.

HE MENTIONED
SOMETHING ABOUT A CONCRETE OVERCOAT.

OH, HE WAS PROBABLY
REFERRING TO YOUR WIFE'S PASTRY.

OH, RENE, HOW I LONG
FOR THE DAY

WHEN I CAN
COOK FOR YOU.

SO DO I, YVETTE.

I PROMISE THERE WILL
ALWAYS BE SOMETHING

HOT ON THE TABLE
FOR YOU.

I CAN JUST IMAGINE.

OH, RENE.

HOLD ME,
CRUSH THE BREATH FROM MY BODY WITH YOUR STRONG ARMS.

KISS ME SO THAT
THE GREAT SURGING TIDE OF EMOTION

DROWNS ME IN ECSTASY.

WELL, I SUPPOSE
I COULD TRY.

RENE!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING
WITH THAT GIRL?

YOU STUPID WOMAN.

ARE YOU NOT AWARE
THAT THIS GIRL HAS NOT BEEN

TO THE DENTIST
FOR THREE MONTHS?

DO YOU NEVER CHECK
THE SERVANTS' TEETH?

SHE HAS A GREAT
BIG BAD MOLAR IN THE BACK THERE.

( moans )

OH, RENE, I AM SO SORRY
I HAVE LET YOU DOWN.

CAN YOU FORGIVE ME?

JUST THIS ONCE,
BUT DO NOT LET IT HAPPEN AGAIN.

NOW OFF YOU GO
INTO THE KITCHEN.

BITE ON
A CLOVE OF GARLIC FOR THE PAIN.

I WILL BOOK YOU
INTO THE DENTIST.

WHOO!

MAMA, WHAT ARE YOU
DOING OUT OF BED?

I AM FED UP
WITH BED!

AND LONELINESS.

AND THIN SOUP.

TO THINK THAT ONCE

I WAS THE MOST
TALKED-ABOUT WOMAN IN PARIS.

MAMA, WE TALK
ABOUT YOU.

YES, WE SAY "WHAT IS
THE OLD BAT UP TO NOW?"

WELL, IT IS ALL ABOUT
TO COME TO AN END.

OH, MAMA,
DO NOT SAY THAT. YOU HAVE YEARS LEFT.

CERTAINLY MONTHS.

MONSIEUR ERNEST LECLERC

HAS ASKED ME
TO MARRY HIM,

AND I INTEND
TO ACCEPT.

MAMA!

MY GOD,
HE IS A FAST WORKER.

HE'S ONLY BEEN
HERE 24 HOURS.

ERNEST HAS REKINDLED

THE DYING EMBERS
OF MY LOVE.

I AM SURPRISED
HE HAS ANY WIND LEFT IN HIS BELLOWS.

DO NOT INSULT HIM!

HE IS CLEAR OF EYE,

YOUNG AT HEART,

AND, WELL...

THE REST OF HIM
IS COMING ALONG QUITE WELL.

( bell rings )

IT IS HE, LECLERC.

ERNEST, OH-HHH!

OH-HHH, FANNIE!

FANNIE, I HAVE
SOMETHING FOR--

I HAVE A RING
FOR YOU, SEE?

LOOK HOW IT SPARKLES
IN THE LIGHT.

OH, ERNEST,
IT IS A WHOPPER.

BUT HOW COULD YOU
AFFORD SUCH A RING?

YOU FORGET THE TRADE
I WAS IN WHEN WE MET.

- WAS HE A JEWELER?
- HE WAS A BURGLAR.

FANNIE, COME WITH ME
TO THE TOWN SQUARE,

AND I WILL TELL
THE WORLD OF OUR LOVE!

YES, OFF YOU GO.
YOUR WHEELCHAIR AND CRUTCHES ARE JUST OUTSIDE.

RENE, DO NOT WORRY.
YOU ARE NOT LOSING A MOTHER-IN-LAW,

YOU ARE GAINING
A FATHER-IN-LAW.

OH MY GOD.

MAMA, WHEN WILL
THE HAPPY EVENT TAKE PLACE?

AS SOON AS POSSIBLE
AFTER WE ARE MARRIED.

WHAT A STUPID
QUESTION.

GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN!

- HEIL HITLER!
- HEIL HITLER!

I AM MOST DISSATISFIED
WITH THE WAY YOU'RE RUNNING THIS TOWN.

YOU HAVE NOT ARRESTED ANYBODY
IN THE RESISTANCE.

YOU HAVE FAILED TO FIND
ANY TRACE OF ANY MISSING AIRMEN.

IT HAS NOW COME
TO MY ATTENTION

THAT THERE IS CURIOUS
ACTIVITY IN THE CHURCHYARD.

MOUNDS OF EARTH ARE
APPEARING ALL OVER THE PLACE,

BUT NOBODY IS
BEING BURIED.

GRUBER, ARREST
MONSIEUR ALFONSE THE UNDERTAKER,

AND WE WILL
INTERROGATE HIM.

I HAVE ALREADY
ARRESTED HIM,

BUT I AM NOT SATISFIED
WITH YOUR INTERROGATION PROCEDURES.

I INTEND TO REMAIN HERE
WHILE YOU QUESTION HIM. LET HIM BE BROUGHT IN.

BRING HIM IN HERE!

HALT!
YOU MAY DISMISS.

NOW THEN, COLONEL,
INTERROGATE HIM.

GO AHEAD, GRUBER.

AH. UH...

GOOD MORNING.

DO NOT SAY
GOOD MORNING!

WALK ROUND HIM SLOWLY,
LOOKING AT HIM CLOSELY.

THEN STAND BEHIND HIM.

THIS ALWAYS PUTS THEM
IN A STATE OF ANXIETY.

WHAT THE GENERAL SAYS
IS QUITE CORRECT.

CARRY ON.

WHAT IS YOUR NAME?

WE KNOW HIS NAME!

THERE ARE DISTINCT
GUIDELINES IN THE MANUAL OF INTERROGATION. USE THEM.

OF COURSE, GENERAL.

AH, YES, IN FACT...

"NOW LISTEN
TO ME CAREFULLY, AND UNDERSTAND THIS:

WE KNOW EVERYTHING."

IN THAT CASE,
CAN I GO?

NO, YOU MAY NOT GO!

ASK HIM ABOUT
THE MOUNDS OF EARTH.

OF COURSE.
WHAT ABOUT THE MOUNDS OF EARTH?

- WHAT MOUNDS OF EARTH?
- WE ASK THE QUESTIONS!

- LOOK.
- OH.

WHERE EXACTLY DID YOU
SEE THEM, GENERAL?

IN THE GRAVEYARD.

IN THE GRAVEYARD.

WHY ARE LITTLE MOUNDS
OF EARTH APPEARING IN THE GRAVEYARD?

COULD IT PERHAPS
BE THE MOLES?

THAT SEEMS A PERFECTLY
LOGICAL EXPLANATION.

NOT TO ME.

YOU ARE UP
TO SOMETHING.

SIX OF YOUR GRAVEDIGGERS
HAVE BEEN AT WORK

NIGHT AND DAY, BUT NO
ONE IS GETTING BURIED.

HOW DO YOU
ACCOUNT FOR THIS?

WELL, YOU SEE, GENERAL,
IN THE SUMMERTIME

WHEN BUSINESS IS SLACK,

WE TRY TO STOCK UP
FOR THE WINTER.

THAT IS THE TIME
WHEN THEY POP OFF.

ARE YOU SATISFIED
WITH THIS EXPLANATION, COLONEL?

- DEFINITELY NOT, GENERAL.
- WELL, I AM.

BE MORE CAREFUL
IN FUTURE.

YES, GENERAL.

OH-- MY CARD.

24-HOUR SERVICE,

I WILL BURY YOU SWIFTLY
AND WITH STYLE.

AND IF YOUR GARDEN SHOULD
REQUIRE ATTENTION,

I ALSO DO EDGE CUTTING
AND RETURFING.

- GO AWAY!
- GO AWAY.

KEEP AN EYE
ON THE GRAVEYARD,

I AM NOT SATISFIED
WITH THIS EXPLANATION.

BUT, GENERAL,
WHEN I SAID I WAS NOT SATISFIED,

YOU WERE VERY CROSS.

COLONEL,

SOMETIMES YOU ARE
THICK AS TWO SHORT FAT PLANKS.

- ( slab closes )
- WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

I HAVE BEEN
WAITING AN HOUR.

YOUR OPERATION
MUST BE CANCELED.

I'VE JUST BEEN INTERROGATED
BY THE VERY NASTY GENERAL WITH THE PIGGY FACE.

- DID YOU REVEAL ANYTHING?
- NOTHING.

BUT THEY SUSPECT
SOMETHING.

WE WILL HAVE TO RISK IT.
THE AIRMEN ARE READY TO MAKE THEIR RENDEZVOUS.

THIS EVENING WE MUST
USE THE RADIO

TO ALERT ENGLAND SO THAT
A SUBMARINE CAN BE SENT.

IS IT WORKING?

THIS IS OUR MECHANICAL
AERIALS EXPERT.

OH, I SEE.

SHE WOULD MAKE
ANYTHING WORK.

SHOW HIM.

Michelle: THE SLAB.

( slab scrapes open )

THE AERIAL.

( mechanical whirring )

ENOUGH.

DOES IT NOT
GO HIGHER?

IT RISES TO 20 FEET
ABOVE GROUND LEVEL,

BUT WE MUST NOT
RISK THAT THE GERMANS COULD SEE IT.

MY GOD,
WHAT INGENUITY.

WHAT A REMARKABLE MIND
YOU MUST POSSES, MADEMOISELLE.

THE IDEA CAME TO ME
LATE AT NIGHT IN MY BED.

SOMETIMES ONE DOES
GET THE BEST IDEAS THERE.

( mechanical whirring )

BUT THEY DON'T
LAST LONG.

( bell rings )

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
THERE ARE CUSTOMERS TO BE SERVED.

WE NEED YOU
BEHIND THE BAR.

I HAVE A MESSAGE
FOR RENE FROM MICHELLE.

RENE, MICHELLE HAS
A MESSAGE FOR YOU.

- HOW UNUSUAL.
- MICHELLE SAYS YOU ARE TO GO TO YOUR GRAVE.

WHAT?

THE ONE WHERE YOUR
TWIN BROTHER IS BURIED.

YOU WILL TAKE
THESE FLOWERS,

AND HERE IS THE MESSAGE
THAT YOU ARE TO SEND TO ENGLAND ON THE RADIO.

WHY ME?
WHY CAN YOU NOT SEND THE MESSAGE?

BECAUSE YOU ARE THE HERO
OF THE RESISTANCE.

LONDON WILL ONLY
RESPOND TO YOUR VOICE.

MICHELLE SAYS THE HALO
WHICH OPERATES THE OPENING OF THE SLAB,

HAS GONE WONKY.

YOU WILL HAVE TO PRESS
THE CHERUB'S BUZZER.

AND WHERE IS
THE CHERUB'S BUZZER?

HERE IS A PICTURE
OF THE CHERUB,

THE ARROW POINTS
TO HIS BUZZER.

I HOPE THE VICAR IS NOT
LOOKING OUT OF HIS WINDOW.

YOU MUST GO AT ONCE.
I WILL LOOK AFTER THE BAR. AND I WILL DO THE CABARET.

JUST LOOK AFTER
THE BAR.

AH, HELGA.
SHUT THE DOOR.

BE SURE THAT NO ONE
APPROACHES.

I AM CALLING RENE

IN CASE HE DOES
NOT TAKE SERIOUSLY THE COLONEL'S WARNING.

IT IS IN ALL
OUR INTERESTS THAT HE KEEPS CLEAN HIS NOSE.

HELLO, MAY I SPEAK
PLEASE TO RENE?

OH. OH, DEAR.

THANK YOU.

HE HAS GONE
TO THE CHURCHYARD

TO PLACE FLOWERS ON
THE GRAVE OF HIS BROTHER.

- THE ONE YOU SHOT?
- I'M AFRAID SO.

YOU WILL UNDERSTAND,
HELGA,

THAT I STILL FEEL
MOST UNCOMFORTABLE ABOUT THAT MATTER.

I FEEL HIS PRESENCE,
YOU KNOW?

I WAKE AT NIGHT SEEING HIM
AT THE END OF THE BED.

HE POINTS HIS FINGER
AT ME AND HE SAYS,

"J'ACCUSE, J'ACCUSE."

WHO IS THIS JACK HUGHES?

I HAVE NO IDEA.

I FEEL THAT I TOO
SHOULD PLACE FLOWERS ON HIS GRAVE.

UNFORTUNATELY,
I HAVE NO FLOWERS,

AND THE SHOPS
WILL BE SHUT.

I WILL COMMANDEER
SOME FROM THE GRAVE OF A PEASANT.

NO, HELGA, THAT WOULD
NOT BE APPROPRIATE.

WE WILL STEAL SOME
FROM THE COLONEL'S GARDEN.

( owl hoots )

- AH!
- HAVE WE BEEN SEEN?

NO, THE COAST IS CLEAR.

PRESS THE CHERUB'S
BUZZER.

( buzzes )

QUICK, INTO THE CRYPT.

( slab closes )

MONSIEUR RENE,

DID YOU, ON YOUR WAY,
SEE A GIRL, VERY TALL,

MACKINTOSH, BARE LEGS,
LITTLE WHITE SOCKS,

LONG BLONDE HAIR,
BLACK SHOES WITH HIGH HEELS?

NOT THAT I RECALL, NO.

IN THAT CASE THERE IS
NO ONE TO OPERATE THIS VERY COMPLICATED MACHINERY.

OH, DEAR, WHAT A PITY.
LET US GO HOME.

NO, WE WILL WAIT FOR HER.

NO NO NO. THE MESSAGE
MUST BE DELIVERED IN 30 SECONDS FROM NOW.

PERHAPS SHE
WILL TURN UP.

( owl hoots )

( coyote howls )

CHURCHYARDS
ARE VERY SPOOKY, ARE THEY NOT?

YES.

THERE WAS
A STRANGE CHILL.

I FEEL THE PRESENCE
OF RENE'S TWIN BROTHER MOST STRONGLY.

LET US QUICKLY PLACE
THE FLOWERS ON HIS TOMB,

AND RETURN
TO THE WARMTH OF OUR QUARTERS.

I THINK IT IS
JUST OVER THERE.

WELL, IT IS TIME.

SHE IS NOT HERE.
WE CAN GO NOW.

MONSIEUR RENE,
FOR THE HONOR OF FRANCE,

I MUST TRY TO RECALL
THE CORRECT PROCEDURE.

YES. HERE.
YOU KEEP THE MICROPHONE.

NOW I WILL TURN
ON THE TRANSMITTER,

MADAME EDITH WILL
OPERATE THE SWITCH.

OUT OF
THE WAY, RENE.

- FIRST THE LEFT.
- ( slab opens )

THERE IT IS.

I FEEL HIS PRESENCE
EVEN MORE STRONGLY.

NOW THE OTHER ONE.

( whirring )

OH! OH!
WHAT IS THAT?

AH-HHH!
STOP THAT!

RENE, FORGIVE ME.

YOU ARE FORGIVEN,
MY SON.

THAT WAS A TERRIBLE
EXPERIENCE.

AT LEAST HE HASN'T
MENTIONED JACK HUGHES.

( theme music playing )