'Allo 'Allo (1982–1992): Season 5, Episode 22 - The Geneva Express - full transcript

On the Geneva Express René tries to avoid Edith and convinces Mimi to aboard the train. The colonel and Helga replace the original paintings by copies and Herr Flick - not knowing of this switch - replaces the copies by... other copies. Yvette and Leclerc also show up on the train. Yvette has found out René wanted to elope with her and Leclerc has come aboard to warn René the Resistance will blow up the train!

( theme music playing )

( train chugging )

YOU FIND ME STANDING
IN THE CORRIDOR

OF THE 11:15 EXPRESS
TO GENEVA.

I AM HERE BECAUSE
IT WAS MY PLAN TO ELOPE

TO THE SWISS MOUNTAINS
WITH MY WAITRESS, YVETTE.

UNFORTUNATELY,
MY WIFE, EDITH,

RECEIVED THE NOTE WHICH WAS
INTENDED FOR YVETTE.

SO THE SLEEPING BUNK WHICH
SHOULD BE OCCUPIED BY YVETTE,

AT THE MOMENT
CONTAINS EDITH.

THE TRAIN IS TRAVELING
AT 70 MILES AN HOUR,



SO I CANNOT
THROW MYSELF OFF.

RENE, RENE?

OH, RENE,
COME TO BED.

IN A MOMENT, MY LOVE,

AFTER I HAVE BEEN
TO THE LITTLE BOY'S ROOM.

FORGIVE ME FOR BEING
SO IMPATIENT.

IT IS LIKE
THE FIRST NIGHT OF MY HONEYMOON.

MY HEART IS
POUNDING IN TIME

TO THE PISTONS
OF THE ENGINE.

AS YOU CAN SEE,
SHE HAS BUILT UP

QUITE A HEAD OF STEAM.

I MUST HIDE AND THINK
OF WHAT TO DO NEXT.

STOP FIDGETING, GRUBER.

I'M SORRY, COLONEL.



I FIND IT
MOST FRUSTRATING

TO THINK THAT
THE GENUINE PAINTINGS

ARE JUST
A FEW FEET FROM US,

IN THAT SAFE.

COULD WE NOT BLOW THE LOCK
WITH OUR PISTOLS?

WE WANT TO SUBSTITUTE
THESE FORGERIES

WITHOUT AROUSING SUSPICION.

WE MUST RELY ON HELGA.

HAVE YOU GOT THE KEY
FROM THE SWEDISH ART EXPERT?

I HAVE NOT YET
LOCATED HIM.

WHY DO YOU NOT FIND
THE SLEEPING CAR ATTENDANT

AND TAKE A LOOK
AT HIS PLAN?

GOOD THINKING!
HAVE YOU THE PILLS TO DRUG HIS COFFEE?

- IN MY HANDBAG.
- GOOD.

WHEN HE IS UNCONSCIOUS,
YOU WILL OBTAIN THE KEY OF THE SAFE.

YES, COLONEL.

( shriek )

I BEG YOUR PARDON?

( snoring )

SORRY, SORRY.

AH, THANK GOD.

HOW DID SHE GET HERE?

SHE ALSO MUST HAVE
FOUND THE NOTE,

AND THOUGHT IT WAS FOR HER.

ONE SHOULD NEVER PUT
ANYTHING IN WRITING.

( shriek )

SORRY.

( snoring )

BEG YOUR PARDON.

RENE, AT LAST
I HAVE FOUND YOU.

MIMI, WHERE HAVE
YOU BEEN?

RENE, YOU LEFT ME THE NOTE,

BUT YOU DID NOT
LEAVE ME THE TICKET.

OH, EDITH HAS GOT
THE TICKET.

SHE THOUGHT THE NOTE
WAS FOR HER.

SHE'S ON THE TRAIN.

SHE-- SHE MUST NOT
FIND US.

Edith:
RENE.

OH MY GOD.

SORRY.

I WILL HIDE WITH YOU.

OH, YES.

RENE,

RENE.

( shriek )

OH, SORRY!

( snore )

PARDON.

( kissing noises )

AAH, HONEYMOONERS.

WHAT AM I
GOING TO DO?

STAY HERE AND HAVE
A GOOD THINK.

THE COFFEE IS
NEARLY READY, HERR FLICK.

WE WILL NOW PROCEED
TO EACH COMPARTMENT

ON THE PRETEXT
OF TAKING ORDERS FOR COFFEE.

HERE IS A PICTURE
OF THE SWEDISH ART EXPERT.

FIX IT FIRMLY
IN YOUR MIND.

WHEN WE FIND HIM,
WE WILL DRUG HIS COFFEE,

REMOVE THE KEY,
SEIZE THE PAINTING,

PULL THE COMMUNICATION CORD
AND VANISH INTO THE NIGHT.

( giggling )
IT'S A DEVILISH PLAN.

OF COURSE.

PROCEED.

ORDERS FOR COFFEE.

ORDERS FOR COFFEE.

MIMI, MY DEAR SWEET,
UNSOPHISTICATED CHILD,

OF COURSE I WANT
TO ELOPE WITH YOU.

BUT EDITH ALSO
FOUND THAT NOTE,

AND THOUGHT
IT WAS FOR HER.

THAT IS WHY
SHE IS ON THE TRAIN.

WHAT SORT OF LIFE ARE WE
GOING TO HAVE TOGETHER IN SWITZERLAND,

WITH HER CLIMBING
EVERY MOUNTAIN LOOKING FOR US?

WE COULD DROP A ROCK
ON HER HEAD.

NO, THE WHOLE PLAN
HAS GONE WRONG.

IF SHE FOUND YOU,
SHE WOULD KILL YOU.

THE TRAIN
IS SLOWING DOWN.

YOU MUST JUMP.

RENE, I DO NOT
WANT TO JUMP.

THE GROUND
IS SO HARD.

WE ARE ALONGSIDE A RIVER.

BUT I LOVE YOU!

AND I LOVE YOU TOO.

OH, I CANNOT BEAR
TO PART LIKE THIS.

GO QUICKLY
AND DO NOT LOOK BACK.

I CANNOT DO IT.

Edith:
RENE,

RENE.

- YES, YOU CAN.
- AARGHH! RENE!!!

RENE,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

JUST GETTING A BREATH
OF FRESH AIR, MY LOVE.

YOU GO BACK TO THE BUNK

AND WAIT FOR ME,
MY DEAR.

OH RENE,
YOU ARE SUCH A TEASE.

YOU KNOW HOW I LIKE
TO BE TANTALIZED.

NOW WHERE IS
THE RESERVATION PLAN?

THE SWEDISH ART EXPERT,

MONSIEUR YOOP HOOP DEHOOP.

THAT WILL BE THE ONE.

COMPARTMENT 12B.

OOH, HERE YOU ARE.

HAVE YOU FOUND HIM?

HE IS IN COMPARTMENT 12B.

I AM PREPARING FOR HIM
THE DRUGGED COFFEE.

LOOK OUT. THE STEWARDS
ARE RETURNING.

HE IS NOT IN
THE FORWARD CARRIAGES.

WE MUST NOW SEARCH
THE REST OF THE TRAIN.

SOME UNAUTHORIZED PERSON

HAS POURED OUT COFFEE.

WASTE NOT, WANT NOT.

NOW LET US SEARCH.

HERE IS 12B.

GET INTO CONVERSATION
WITH HIM.

I WILL BRING THE COFFEE.

VON SMALLHAUSEN,
YOU ARE LAGGING BEHIND.

MY HEAD IS SPINNING.

YOU SEARCH
THIS COMPARTMENT,

I WILL SEARCH
THIS ONE.

I WILL TRY,
BUT MY LEGS ARE WOBBLY.

Flick:
THE GESTAPO

DO NOT HAVE
WOBBLY LEGS.

I AM THE SLEEPING CAR
ATTENDANT,

TAKING ORDERS FOR COFFEE.

DO ANY OF YOU WANT COFFEE?

IS THERE ANYBODY HERE?

A NUN--

ANOTHER NUN!

WHO IS IT IN THIS BUNK?

( Gruber disguising voice )
I AM A VERY OLD NUN--

GO AWAY.

I AM SORRY OLD NUN.

I WILL NOT TROUBLE YOU
ANY FURTHER.

Colonel:
HELGA, GRUBER,

WHERE ARE YOU?

OH MY GOD, THE COLONEL!

Edith:
RENE, RENE--

I'M GETTING IMPATIENT.

I HAVE BEEN TANTALIZED
LONG ENOUGH.

RENE.

HOW DID YOU KNOW
I WAS HERE?

HMMM?

HELGA, WHERE ARE YOU?

HELGA?

AH, THE KEY!

WELL DONE.

I WILL TAKE THAT.

AT LEAST I WOULD,

WERE I NOT ABOUT
TO BECOME UNCONSCIOUS.

RENE!

YVETTE, HOW DID
YOU GET HERE?

IT WAS NOT EASY
WITHOUT A TICKET.

MONSIEUR LECLERC GOT
THE NOTES IN A MUDDLE.

BUT I MANAGED
TO CATCH THE TRAIN,

AND I HAVE BEEN
SEARCHING FOR YOU

EVER SINCE.

I HAVE BAD NEWS.

EDITH IS ON BOARD,

BUT DO NOT WORRY,

I-- I STILL
HAVE THE GOLD.

OH, RENE, HOLD ME,

CRUSH ME TO YOU.

NO, THERE IS NO TIME
FOR ALL THAT.

QUICK, HIDE IN A BUNK.

PSST,

IT IS I, LECLERC.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE,
YOU BUNGLING IDIOT?

I HAVE FOR YOU,

A MESSAGE FROM MICHELLE,

ABOUT THE EXPLODING
CHRISTMAS PUDDINGS.

WHAT ABOUT THE EXPLODING
CHRISTMAS PUDDINGS?

TWO OF THEM ARE TO BE DROPPED
DOWN THE FUNNEL OF THE ENGINE,

WHEN WE GO UNDER THE BRIDGE

AT ABBEVILLE.

OH MY GOD!
WHAT TIME ARE WE DUE THERE?

LET'S SEE,

THREE MINUTES AGO.

WE ARE RUNNING LATE.

Edith:
RENE.

QUICK.
IT IS EDITH, HIDE.

- I WILL HIDE HER.
- OH!

RENE,
OH, RENE.

I CAN WAIT
NO LONGER.

EDITH, HOLD ON.
THERE IS GOING TO BE A BIG BANG.

I KNOW,
BUT WHEN?

( brakes squeal; people scream )

YOU CAN ALL
GO AWAY.

I AM NOT OPENING
UNTIL 12:00.

"HEADLINE NEWS,

GENEVA EXPRESS BLOWN UP
BY CHRISTMAS PUDDING."

IT WAS A NIGHT
I SHALL NEVER FORGET,

AND WHAT AN ANTICLIMAX.

HERE WAS I,
HOPING TO ELOPE

TO SWITZERLAND
WITH THE LOVELY YVETTE.

AND WHERE DO I FIND MYSELF?

3:00 IN THE MORNING,
RETURNING HOME WITH MY WIFE,

ON THE BACK OF A FISH LORRY.

WELL, FORTUNATELY,
EDITH STILL DOES NOT KNOW

THAT YVETTE WAS ON THE TRAIN.

HOW THE POOR CHILD WILL
GET HOME, I HAVE NO IDEA.

SHE HAS NO MONEY.

AT THIS MOMENT
SHE IS PROBABLY

TRAMPING ACROSS A PLOWED FIELD
IN HER HIGH HEELS.

RENE-EEE!

- YVETTE?!
- OH, RENE,

ALL THE WAY FROM ABBEVILLE
ON ROLLER SKATES.

YVETTE, THANK HEAVENS
YOU ARE SAFE.

WHAT ABOUT THE OTHERS?
HAVE YOU SEEN MONSIEUR LECLERC?

HE, TOO,
HAS ROLLER SKATES.

WHERE IS HE?

OH, JUST OUTSIDE NOUVION,

HE BROKE THE BALLS
OF HIS BEARINGS.

RENE, CAN WE ELOPE
AGAIN TOMORROW?

I THINK I WILL HAVE
TO REST UP A BIT.

OH, RENE, HOLD ME,

CRUSH ME TO YOU.

( growling )

- RENE!
- OOOH!

WHAT ARE YOU
DOING WITH YOUR ARMS AROUND THAT GIRL?

YOU STUPID WOMAN!

CAN YOU NOT SEE

THAT SHE IS UPSET
BECAUSE YOU AND I

DID NOT SUCCEED
IN ELOPING TOGETHER.

SHE HAD IN HER MIND
ONLY OUR HAPPINESS.

WHY IS SHE WEARING
ROLLER SKATES?

WE ARE HER FAMILY.

IF WE HAD GONE, WHAT WOULD
SHE HAVE HAD LEFT?

SHE WAS SKATING
TO THE ORPHANAGE,

THE ONLY PLACE WHERE
SHE KNOWS TRUE HAPPINESS.

ON THE WAY THERE,
SHE SAW THOSE HEADLINES.

BUT SHE HAS A MOTHER.

WHY WAS SHE
IN AN ORPHANAGE?

SHE WAS
A DIFFICULT CHILD,

SHE CAME
FROM A BROKEN HOME--

HER MOTHER USED TO LIVE
WITH A GREENGROCER.

HE USED TO BEAT HER DAILY
WITH LONG GREEN BEANS.

RENE, DO NOT
REVEAL ANY MORE.

OH, THE POOR CHILD.

SKATE INTO THE KITCHEN,

I WILL GET YOU SOME SOUP.

RENE!

MY GOD, THE GOLD.

WHAT IS THE MATTER?

I THOUGHT I WOULD BE
IN SWITZERLAND

BY THE TIME THE GENERAL
DISCOVERED THAT IT HAD GONE.

NOW I AM IN NOUVION.
WE COULD ALL BE SHOT.

- I MUST GO AND PUT IT BACK.
- PUT IT BACK WHERE?

BACK WITH THE REST
OF THE GOLD!

IN THE SAFE
IN THE POLICE STATION.

NO, KEEP IT.

WE WILL ELOPE AGAIN TONIGHT.

TONIGHT COULD BE TOO LATE.
NOW COULD BE TOO LATE.

NO, NO, I MUST GO

AND TALK TO
THAT IDIOT CRABTREE.

GOOD MOANING.

FOR ONCE I AM GLAD
TO SEE YOU.

I NEED THE KEY
TO YOUR SAFE.

WHY?

I PINCHED FOUR BARS
OF THE GENERAL'S GOLD.

I KNOW.
I SPITTED YOU TOKING IT.

WHEN THE GENERAL FINDS OUT,
HE COULD SHOOT HALF OF NOUVION.

DO NOT WIRRY.

I HAVE SQUOOZED
INTO THE LOCK,

HARD SITTING GLUE.

IF HE CANNOT OPEN IT,
HE WILL NOT KNEE THAT IT IS GINE.

HERE IS THE TIMETABLE.

WE WILL LEAVE
BY THE NEXT TRAIN.

THERE ARE NO TROONS.

THE ONE THAT WAS DEROOLED
BY THE CHRISTMAS PIDDING

IS STILL
BLICKING THE LOON.

THIS IS NOT MY DAY.

RENE, LET US
BLOW OPEN THE SAFE.

EDITH, WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?

WE HAVE
IN OUR CELLAR

EXPLODING
CHRISTMAS PUDDINGS.

WE COULD SQUASH ONE
WELL INTO THE LOCK,

LIGHT THE FUSE
AND STAND WELL BACK.

AND HOW WILL WE KNOW HOW MUCH
CHRISTMAS PUDDING TO USE?

WELL, WE CAN START
WITH FOUR TABLESPOONSFUL

AND WORK UP FROM THERE.

BY THE TIME THEY
HAVE CLEARED THE LINE

YOU AND I
CAN ELOPE TOGETHER

WITH ALL THE GOLD.

COME, LET US PICK A PUDDING.

SHE IS MONEY MAD.

HE MEANS MINNEY MOD.

Colonel:
WE HAVE ALL HAD A VERY NARROW ESCAPE

BUT WE'VE ACHIEVED
OUR OBJECTIVE,

AND THE PAINTINGS,
IN ALL THEIR GLORY,

ARE IN
OUR POSSESSION,

AND SAFELY RESTING
IN THE BODY OF THE STATUE.

THE FORGERIES WHICH
I PUT IN THEIR PLACE,

WILL NO DOUBT BE
RECOVERED IN DUE COURSE.

I HAVE TO REPORT
THAT THE FORGERIES

HAVE ALREADY
BEEN RECOVERED

BY HERR FLICK,

WHO HAS PUT IN THEIR PLACE

TWO OTHER FORGERIES.

YES, YES.
THERE'S AN ALMOST

POETIC BEAUTY
TO THIS SITUATION.

CONCEALED IN
THIS BEAUTIFUL STATUE

WE HAVE THE ORIGINAL
MASTERPIECES.

HERR FLICK THINKS THAT HE HAS
THE ORIGINAL MASTERPIECES,

AND THE GENERAL HAS THE GOLD
FROM THE SWEDISH ART EXPERT,

WHO BELIEVES THAT HE
BOUGHT THE MASTERPIECES.

AND RENE DOES NOT KNOW
ABOUT OUR OPERATION,

SO HE DOES NOT GET HIS CUT.

GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN.

- HEIL HITLER.
- All: HEIL HITLER.

GRUBER, I HAVE
A TASK FOR YOU.

I PUT SOME
NOT VERY IMPORTANT PAPERS

IN THE SAFE
IN THE POLICE STATION.

UNFORTUNATELY,
SOME PRACTICAL JOKER

HAS GUMMED UP THE LOCK
SO I CAN'T USE THE KEY.

I WISH YOU, THEREFORE,
TO TAKE YOUR TANK

AND TRANSFER IT
TO MY CHATEAU,

WHERE THE UNIMPORTANT PAPERS
WILL BE SAFE.

VERY GOOD,
GENERAL.

Colonel:
WILL THAT BE ALL?

NO.

THIS STATUE.

WHAT STATUE?

I LIKE IT.

IT WOULD LOOK RATHER NICE
IN MY CHATEAU.

REALLY IT'S SUCH A CHEAP
AND UGLY THING.

ARE YOU QUESTIONING
MY TASTE?

I WILL TAKE IT.

COULD WE... PERHAPS...

DELIVER IT FOR YOU?

NO, I WILL TAKE IT NOW.

GUARDS,
PUT THIS STATUE IN MY CAR.

HEIL HITLER.

HEIL HITLER.

ALL RIGHT,
THERE IS THE SAFE.

EDITH, BE CAREFUL!

I WILL WITCH
OUT OF THE WANDOW.

IF ANYONE COMES THIS WOO,

I WILL GIVE YOU TWO WONKS.

Bertorelli:
MAKE THE ATTENTION!

I SAID, MAKE THE ATTENTION.
YOU PUT THE LEGS TOGETHER,

YOU MAKE THE SPINE STRAIGHT.

NO SMOKE THE FAG
WHEN YOU MAKE THE ATTENTION!

SLOPE THE ARMS.

BEFORE THE OFFICER.

PRESENT THE ARMS.

WHAT YOU THINK
OF THEM, EH?

I SUSPECT THEY HAVE
NEVER DONE IT BETTER.

I WONDER IF YOU
COULD ASSIST ME?

I HAVE TO REMOVE A HEAVY SAFE,

FROM THE POLICE STATION,

ONTO THE BACK
OF MY LITTLE TANK.

DO YOU HAVE FOUR STRONG MEN?

HELP YOURSELF.

YOU ASK THEM.

PAY ATTENTION.

( men growl )

SETTLE DOWN.

I AM LOOKING FOR
FOUR STRONG MEN.

YOU BET YOUR LIFE
YOU ARE!

EDITH,
DO NOT PUSH SO HARD.

THIS IS A HIGHLY EXPLOSIVE
CHRISTMAS PUDDING

WE HAVE HERE.

IT IS A VERY BIG LOCK.

I HAVE USED HALF
THE CHRISTMAS PUDDING ALREADY.

I AM SURE THAT IS ENOUGH.

WHERE IS THE FUSE?

IT IS HERE,

IT IS DISGUISED AS HOLLY.

NOW, LIGHT IT.

ALL RIGHT.

LET US TAKE COVER,
QUICK.

DO NOT PANIC.

IT IS
A TWO MINUTE FUSE.

WE HAVE PLENTY OF TIME.

PSST!

CAN YOU NOT
SEE ME WONKING?

NOW WHAT IS THE MATTER?!

LIEUTENANT GRUBER

IS HERE IN HIS TONK.

OH MY GOD!

QUICK, PUT IT OUT,
PUT IT OUT.

I CANNOT!
IT IS BURNING INSIDE.

OH MY GOD.

QUICK, LET US GO
OUT THE BACK WAY.

IT MUST HAVE GONE OUT.

I CAN NO LONGER
HEAR IT FIZZING.

RENE?

I KEEP MEETING YOU

IN THE MOST
UNEXPECTED PLACES.

UM... WE WERE JUST
REPORTING A MISSING HEN.

ON THE ORDERS OF
GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN

I AM REQUISITIONING
THIS SAFE.

WHERE IS IT GOING?

TO THE GENERAL'S QUARTERS
AT THE CHATEAU.

MEN, TAKE IT OUT THROUGH
THE BACK PASSAGE.

YOU CANNOT TICK IT

UNLESS I HAVE
A SOGNITURE.

HERE IS THE ORDER.

PUT IT INTO THE TANK, MEN.

OH, RENE,

I, UH... I HAVE
LONG PROMISED YOU

A SPIN
IN MY LITTLE TANK.

WOULD YOU CARE
TO ACCOMPANY ME

TO THE CHATEAU?

WELL, THAT IS A VERY KIND
THOUGHT, LIEUTENANT.

WHAT IF THE FUSE
HAS NOT GONE OUT?

BUT THIS TIME,
I WILL GIVE IT A MISS,

IF THAT IS
ALL THE SAME TO YOU.

ME, I HAVE NEVER BEEN
IN THE GERMAN TANK.

I TRAVEL WITH YOU.

LIEUTENANT,
PERHAPS THE CAPTAIN COULD DRIVE YOUR TANK

WHILE YOU CAME
AND HAD A DRINK WITH ME?

OH, AN INVITATION

I CANNOT REFUSE.

THE SAFE IS LOADED,
CAPITANO.

GOOD, WE COME.

RIGHT,
MOVE YOUR BUTTS.

RENE,

I THINK WE SHOULD NOT
BE SEEN WALKING TOGETHER.

I WILL GO AHEAD.

I WILL FOLLOW.

SHOO!

HEY!

IT'S NICE, EH?

YOU WATCH AS YOUR CAPITANO

GO OFF IN CLOUD OF SMOKE, EH?

CIAO.

DO NOT GIVE IT
TOO MUCH THROTTLE,

OR YOU WILL GET
A LITTLE BACKFIRE.

( engine starts )

I--

I GIVE HIM
TOO MUCH THROTTLE.

( theme music playing )

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