'Allo 'Allo (1982–1992): Season 4, Episode 2 - Camp Dance - full transcript

( cabaret music playing )

YOU ARE PROBABLY WONDERING
WHAT I AM DOING

IN A PRISONER OF WAR CAMP
DRESSED AS A DANCING GIRL.

MY BREATH WILL NOT LAST
LONG ENOUGH FOR ME TO TELL YOU.

BUT SUFFICE IT TO SAY,

WE ARE ABOUT TO ESCAPE
IN A RUBBISH CART

DRIVEN BY LIEUTENANT GRUBER,

WHO IS THE ONE
WHO FANCIES ME.

( laughing )

( horn honks )

IT'S HERE, CHAPS.



IT'S HERE.

THANK GOODNESS.

COME ON, COLONEL,
EYES AND TEETH.

( cheering loudly )

I SAY,
THAT WAS JOLLY GOOD.

THEY'RE SHOUTING
FOR MORE.

SORRY, OLD CHAP,
NO ENCORES.

INTO THE CART.

PSST!

IN HERE.
AND CROUCH DOWN.

THIS IS SHOW BUSINESS
FOR YOU--

ONE MINUTE YOU ARE A STAR

AND THE NEXT YOU ARE
ON THE RUBBISH HEAP.

KEEP DIGGING,
VON SMALLHAUSEN.



HERR FLICK, HERR FLICK,
WE HAVE BROKEN THROUGH!

GOOD.
WE WILL SEE WHERE THIS TUNNEL IS EMERGING.

PLEASE TO BE HOLDING TIGHT.

THIS COULD BE
THE DORMITORY OF THE NUNNERY.

IF YOUR THEORY IS CORRECT,
VON SMALLHAUSEN,

THE NUNS HAVE
VERY LARGE FEET

AND A STRANGE TASTE
IN PICTURES.

WE ARE IN THE PRISONER
OF WAR CAMP.

WE MUST RETURN AT ONCE
TO GESTAPO HEADQUARTERS.

( spits )

OPEN THE GATE.

YOU ARE WEARING
A ROTTEN DISGUISE.

GO BACK TO YOUR HUT,
ENGLISHMAN.

BUT I AM OTTO FLICK
OF THE GESTAPO.

AND I AM HITLER'S
AUNTY NELLIE.

VON SMALLHAUSEN,
THE TUNNEL.

( engine grinding )

WHAT ARE YOU
PLAYING AT?

I REGRET TO SAY THAT
WE HAVE SOME MECHANICAL MALFUNCTION.

WELL, FIX IT.

IT SMELLS
TERRIBLE IN HERE.

I AM GOING
TO HAVE TO GET OUT.

AH! OH.

I HAVE TRACED THE FAULT.
THERE WAS A LOOSE WIRE.

GOOD. START IT AGAIN,
AND LET'S GET CRACKING.

OH, MICHELLE,

I AM STILL SHAKING
FROM FEAR.

BUT IT WAS
A GLORIOUS EPISODE--

WE ACCOMPLISHED OUR MISSION
AND WE GOT THE AIRMEN BACK INTO THE CAMP.

I SAY,
WHAT'S GOING ON?

WHAT ARE YOU CHAPS
DOING HERE?

WE FOLLOWED YOU.

YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO
STAY BEHIND AT THE CAMP.

OH-- WELL,
YOU SHOULD HAVE SAID.

I DID SAY.

I TOLD YOU
WHEN YOU WERE GETTING DRESSED.

I HAD A LOT OF TROUBLE
WITH FAIRFAX'S BRA.

I PROBABLY
WASN'T LISTENING.

WHAT ARE THEY DOING HERE?

THERE HAS BEEN
A COCK-UP!

YOU ARE LATE,
VON SMALLHAUSEN.

MY PEASANT SERVANT
FORGOT TO WAKE ME UP.

DID YOU SHOOT HIM?

NO, I SPOKE TO HIM SHARPLY

AND TOLD HIM TO BE
MORE CAREFUL IN FUTURE.

I SOMETIMES WONDER
HOW YOU GOT INTO THE GESTAPO.

I THINK IT WAS THE LIMP

AND THE SINISTER GAZE.

TAKE THIS WIRELESS
AND FOLLOW ME.

IT IS VERY LIGHT,
HERR FLICK.

IT IS THE LATEST MODEL.
BRING ALSO THE BATTERIES.

MONSIEUR LECLERC,

GET BEHIND THE BAR--
POLISH THE GLASSES.

YES, MADAME.

NO. TAKE THIS MONEY,

GO ACROSS THE SQUARE
AND BUY MORE GIN--

YOUR MOTHER
HAS DRUNK IT ALL.

HOW SHALL I...

DISGUISE MYSELF?

YOU WILL NOT NEED
A DISGUISE.

JUST GO AS YOURSELF--
A PERFECTLY NORMAL IDIOT.

- HUH?
- NOW!

RENE, I WILL TAKE
SOME FOOD

DOWN TO THE CELLAR
TO THE COLONEL.

EDITH, DO NOT
GIVE HIM OUR FOOD!

TELL HIM TO GET BACK
TO HIS OFFICE AND LEAVE US IN PEACE.

HOW CAN HE GET BACK
TO HIS OFFICE,

WHEN HE IS DRESSED AS A GIRL
FROM THE FOLLIES BERGERES?

WHY DOES HE NOT BORROW
MY COAT AND HAT?

BECAUSE OF THE ESCAPE,
THERE IS A CURFEW.

IF HE IS FOUND AS A CIVILIAN,
HE COULD BE SHOT.

LIEUTENANT GRUBER
WILL BRING HIS UNIFORM.

OH, VERY WELL.
FEED HIM.

OH, RENE!

YVETTE!

OH!

AT LAST WE ARE ALONE.
HOLD ME TIGHT.

- YVETTE!
- ( bottles clink )

OH, RENE! OH, RENE,
IT IS SO LONG!

( register bell rings )

SORRY. WHERE WERE WE?

IT IS SO LONG
SINCE YOU LAST HELD ME LIKE THIS.

JUST THE FEEL
OF YOUR STRONG BODY

THROUGH MY THIN BLOUSE

MAKES MY KNEES TREMBLE.

WHAT A COINCIDENCE.

WHEN ARE YOU GOING
TO TELL YOUR WIFE

YOU ARE LEAVING HER?

SOON, YVETTE, SOON.

WELL, WHY NOT
THIS MORNING?

IT IS VERY COMPLICATED.

YOU MUST REMEMBER
THAT I HAVE BEEN SHOT DEAD

AND I AM NOW POSING
AS MY OWN TWIN BROTHER;

MY WILL LEFT THIS CAFE
TO EDITH;

AND SO IF I AM GOING
TO GET MY HANDS BACK ON IT,

I AM GOING TO HAVE TO DO IT
BY MARRYING HER AGAIN,

AND THEN TELLING HER
THAT I AM LEAVING HER

TO MARRY YOU.

SO YOU SEE, THIS MORNING
IS NOT A GOOD TIME.

OH, TELL ME
THERE IS NOBODY ELSE.

THERE IS NOBODY ELSE.

I FEEL BETTER NOW.

OH, YVETTE,

DEAR SWEET,
EMOTIONAL CHILD--

LET ME LOOK AT YOU.

OH, YOU ARE CRYING
IN ONE EYE.

I THINK IT IS
A LITTLE BIT OF GRIT.

OH.

KEEP IT VERY STILL
AND I WILL GET IT OUT.

COME IN, GRUBER.

I THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT
THAT YOU WERE PERHAPS STILL CLOSED.

FOR THE GERMAN ARMY,
WE NEVER CLOSE--

PARTICULARLY, A HERO
OF THE RUSSIAN FRONT.

I HAVE HERE THE UNIFORM
FOR THE COLONEL.

HE WILL BE DELIGHTED.
HE IS IN THE CELLAR.

I WILL TAKE IT DOWN
TO HIM.

LIEUTENANT GRUBER,
GOOD MORNING.

THE COLONEL WILL BE
PLEASED TO SEE YOU.

RENE, EDITH,
MICHELLE WISHES

TO SPEAK WITH US
IN THE BACK ROOM.

DO NOT MOVE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE
IN BROAD DAYLIGHT?

I HAVE BAD NEWS.
GATHER ROUND.

I HAVE VERY LITTLE TIME,
SO LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY,

I SHALL SAY THIS
ONLY ONCE.

MARIA DID NOT
ESCAPE WITH US.

- WE KNOW THAT.
- WHAT HAPPENED TO HER?

WE HAVE INFORMATION
THAT IN ORDER TO ESCAPE,

SHE BROKE IN THE POSTAL ROOM
OF THE PRISONER OF WAR CAMP.

ONCE THERE,
SHE DISGUISED HERSELF AS A RED CROSS PARCEL.

UNFORTUNATELY, SHE DID NOT
PUT ON ENOUGH STAMPS.

SO THEY HAVE SENT HER
BACK TO SWITZERLAND.

IT'S ALL PERFECTLY LOGICAL,
I SUPPOSE.

THE POOR CHILD.

RENE, WE MUST LIGHT
A CANDLE FOR HER.

OH, OF COURSE.

FOR MARIA.

WE MUST ADVERTISE
FOR A NEW GIRL.

I HAVE MORE NEWS.

WE HAVE INFORMATION
THAT HITLER

IS PREPARING
TO INVADE ENGLAND.

WE MUST BE READY
TO CARRY OUT SABOTAGE

AS SOON AS WE RECEIVE
THE ORDERS.

WHAT ABOUT THE AIRMEN?

THEY WILL
HAVE TO STAY HERE.

THIS OPERATION
HAS ABSOLUTE PRIORITY.

WHERE ARE THEY NOW?

- HELLO.
- HELLO.

LONDON WILL BE
COMING THROUGH ON THE RADIO.

WE MUST HURRY.

HURRY, VON SMALLHAUSEN.

LONDON IS DUE TO TRANSMIT
AT ANY MOMENT.

IT IS VERY HEAVY,
HERR FLICK.

STOP WHINGING,
VON SMALLHAUSEN.

WHAT DO YOU INTEND
TO DO WITH THIS RADIO

NOW THAT I'VE HUMPED IT
ONTO THE ROOF OF THE CHATEAU?

WE WILL JAM
THE BROADCAST FROM LONDON

AND SUBSTITUTE ONE
OF OUR OWN.

OH, SHE SLEEPS.

SHE LOOKS LIKE
A LITTLE ANGEL.

SHE LOOKS MORE LIKE
A DEAD MOTH.

WE MUST WAKE HER
VERY GENTLY.

MAMA, MAMA...

MAMA--

( imitating bugle )
TOOT-TA-TOOT-TA-TOO!

WAKE UP, YOU OLD BAT!

( horrified scream )

OH--

NO NO NO.

YOU HAVE WOKEN ME
FROM MY DREAM.

YOU ARE CALLOUS
AND HEARTLESS, RENE!

SHE WAS SMILING
SO BEAUTIFULLY.

WAS IT A NICE DREAM?

WELL, IT WAS...

VIVID...

AND A BIT NAUGHTY.

EDITH--

READY?

Everyone:
ONE, TWO, THREE...

AAH!

SORRY, MAMMA--
THE RADIO.

( bed knobs buzz )

OH, THE FLASHING KNOBS.

IT HAS BROKEN MY DREAM.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING
IN THE BED OF MY MOTHER?

WHEN I CLIMBED
THROUGH THE DROONPOOP

IN THE PRISONER
OF WAR CAMP,

I SLOPPED
AND BONGED MY HOD.

YOUR MITHER ALLOWED ME
TO LAY ON HER BOD

SO I COULD HAVE
A BIT OF RIST.

LONDON IS COMING THROUGH
ON THE RADIO.

SHUT UP!

'ALLO, 'ALLO,
THIS IS NIGHTHAWK,

COME IN LONDON,
OVER.

'Allo, Nighthawk,
London calling, London calling.

I HAVE THEM.

I WILL NOW JAM
THE LONDON TRANSMITTER

AND BROADCAST MYSELF.

This is Nighthawk,
come in London.

'ALLO, NIGHTHAWK,
WE WISH TO SEND MEDALS

TO ALL THE MEMBERS
OF THE RESISTANCE.

PLEASE GIVE ME THEIR
NAMES AND ADDRESSES.

We do not know their
names and addresses,

but send me the medals
and I will pass them on.

WHERE ARE THE AIRMEN?

IN THE BACK ROOM.

Where is the back room?

BEHIND THE FRONT ROOM.

HE IS ASKING A LOT
OF QUESTIONS.

GIVE IT TO ME.

ARE YOU SURE
YOU ARE IN LONDON?

OF COURSE,
I AM IN PICCADILLY CIRCUS.

VON SMALLHAUSEN--
THE EFFECTS.

( toots )

PAPER, PAPER--

read all about it!

( horn toots )

VIOLETS,
LOVELY VIOLETS.

VIOLETS--

AH, HERR FLICK,
I'M FALLING OFF THE ROOF!

( screams )

FLICK?!
IT IS HERR FLICK!

WE HAVE BEEN DISCOVERED.
QUICK, DISMANTLE EVERYTHING.

YOU FOOL!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

THEY DO NOT KNOW
OUR POSITION,

AND NOW YOU HAVE
SMASHED THE RADIO.

WE CANNOT SPEAK
TO LONDON!

LIEUTENANT GRUBER, I AM
VERY WORRIED ABOUT HANS.

HE HASN'T BEEN SEEN
SINCE HE WAS CATAPULTED OVER THE WIRE.

DO YOU THINK
HE HAS DESERTED?

NO, NOT HANS.

HE HAS NEITHER
THE COURAGE NOR

THE INTELLIGENCE
TO BE A COWARD.

COLONEL,

I HAVE SEARCHED THE VICINITY
OF THE CAMP AND FOUND THESE.

THESE ARE THE SPECTACLES
OF HANS GEERING.

I QUESTIONED
A PASSING PEASANT

WHO SAID THAT
AN R.A.F. OFFICER,

ANSWERING TO THE
DESCRIPTION OF HANS,

WAS TAKEN AWAY
BY THE RESISTANCE.

CAN WE BE SURE
IT WAS THE CAPTAIN?

YES, THESE ARE
THE SPECTACLES OF LITTLE HANS.

THROUGH THESE VERY LENSES,

THOSE BEADY EYES
USED TO STARE AT ME,

LIKE A TRUSTING PEKINGESE.

AH, COLONEL,
LIEUTENANT GRUBER, HELGA,

SORRY TO KEEP YOU
WAITING, UH...

YOU ARE PROBABLY
WONDERING

WHY I HAVE
BEEN UPSTAIRS

WITH MY WIFE
AND THE POLICEMAN.

THIS IS FRANCE,
RENE.

ONE IS NOT SURPRISED
AT ANYTHING.

OH, NO, COLONEL.
IT WAS NOTHING LIKE THAT.

IT NEVER IS.

I-- I--
I WAS CONSULTING

THIS OFFICER
OF THE LAW

ABOUT MY SECURITY
ARRANGEMENTS.

THERE ARE MANY
BUGLERS ABOUT.

THE GIRLS SHOULD LICK
THEIR BEDROOM DOOR,

AND YOUR WIFE SHOULD
HAVE A GOOD STRONG BELT.

HE MEANS BOLT.

THANK YOU, OFFICER.
BE ON YOUR WAY.

COME AND
SIT DOWN, RENE.

I WANT TO TALK
TO YOU URGENTLY.

YES, YES.
A MOMENT, C--

AH, UH...

THANK YOU,
GAS INSPECTOR.

FOR READING MY METER.
UH, TH-- TH--

THERE IS A NASTY SMELL
IN THE KITCHEN,

WHICH I WOULD WISH YOU
TO SNIFF WITH YOUR PROFESSIONAL NOSE.

IT IS EITHER A GAS LEAK
OR THE CAMEMBERT IS OFF.

YVETTE, LOOK AFTER
THE COLONEL, WILL YOU?

NOW GIVE ME BACK
MY HAT AND COAT AND GET OUT OF HERE.

RENE, I HAVE THE SOLUTION
TO OUR PROBLEM.

AS FAR AS I AM CONCERNED,
SHE IS OUR PROBLEM.

OUTSIDE THE CAFE

IS THE LITTLE TANK
OF LIEUTENANT GRUBER.

IN IT IS A RADIO.

WHY DO WE NOT
CONTACT LONDON ON IT?

YOU ARE MORE MAD
THAN SHE IS.

THIS IS THE BOLD IDEA
OF A BRAVE WOMAN.

WE WILL DO IT.

DO IT?

THE GERMANS
ARE IN THE CAFE 10 YARDS AWAY!

WE WILL ARRANGE FOR THEM
TO BE DISTRACTED.

WE WILL ALL RENDEZVOUS
INSIDE THE TANK IN THREE MINUTES.

BUT--

EDITH, I WILL HAVE
NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS.

YOU ARE THE BRAVEST MAN
IN ALL FRANCE?

YOU HAVE THE COURAGE
OF A CHICKEN--

A VERY LITTLE CHICKEN.

RENE, I INSIST
ON SPEAKING TO YOU.

( stammering )
ALLOW ME TO GET YOU A DRINK.

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

I PASSED OUT IN THE BUSHES.

I WAS RETURNING WITH THE GIN

AND I WAS HIT ON THE HEAD
BY A RADIO.

NO DOUBT DROPPED FROM
A PASSING AIRPLANE.

THE GERMANS
ARE SHOOTING THEM DOWN ALL THE TIME.

GET BEHIND THE BAR.

NOW, COLONEL,
WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?

RENE, WE ARE
VERY WORRIED ABOUT HANS.

HE WAS TAKEN AWAY
BY THE RESISTANCE.

HE IS IN R.A.F. UNIFORM.

HE COULD BE SHOT ON SIGHT.

OR THE RESISTANCE
COULD HAVE KIDNAPPED HIM

AND BE HOLDING HIM
FOR RANSOM.

I WAS WATCHING HIM
WHEN HE LANDED IN THE RUBBISH HEAP.

I THINK PERHAPS HE WAS
TAKEN BY THE COMMUNIST RESISTANCE.

THE COMMUNIST RESISTANCE?

I THOUGHT THEY WERE
ON STRIKE?

IT HAS BEEN SETTLED.

THEY HAVE AGREED
HIGHER RANSOMS.

RIGHT. WELL, IF I HEAR
ANYTHING, COLONEL,

YOU WILL BE
THE FIRST TO KNOW.

RENE, MICHELLE
WILL BE WAITING

OUTSIDE FOR US
IN THE LITTLE TANK.

WE CANNOT JUST
WALK OUT OF HERE.

THEY WILL WONDER
WHERE WE HAVE GONE.

WE NEED A DIVERSION.

I COULD DO FOR YOU

MY WORLD FAMOUS,
BLINDFOLD,

KNIFE-THROWING PERFORMANCE.

WE NEED A DIVERSION,
NOT A MASSACRE.

I HAVE IT.
COME WITH ME.

LIEUTENANT GRUBER,

THERE IS SOMETHING RENE
WOULD LIKE YOU TO DO,

BUT HE IS TOO SHY
TO ASK.

AND WHAT IS THIS?

WHAT ARE YOU
SAYING, EDITH?

IT IS SUCH A LONG TIME
SINCE YOU'VE PLAYED AT THE PIANO.

RENE IS ALWAYS TALKING
ABOUT YOUR SINGING.

- ARE YOU NOT, RENE?
- IT IS THE SOLE TOPIC OF MY CONVERSATION.

I SHOULD BE DELIGHTED,

AND WHAT IS
YOUR FAVORITE SONG, RENE?

UH-- OH, ANYTHING,
LIEUTENANT GRUBER. YOU CHOOSE.

I THINK YOU WILL BE
ENJOYING THIS ONE.

♪ MAD ABOUT THE BOY ♪

♪ I KNOW IT'S STUPID ♪

♪ BUT I'M MAD
ABOUT THE BOY ♪

♪ I'M SO ASHAMED OF IT,
BUT MUST ADMIT ♪

♪ THE SLEEPLESS NIGHTS
I'VE HAD ABOUT THE BOY... ♪

RENE, MICHELLE WILL BE
WAITING IN THE TANK.

LIEUTENANT GRUBER...

YOUR SINGING IS...

SO BEAUTIFUL, I...

MUST GO OUTSIDE.

I DO NOT LIKE
TO BE SEEN CRYING IN FRONT OF MEN.

I UNDERSTAND.

I FEEL A BIT
EMOTIONAL MYSELF.

♪ LORD KNOWS
I'M NOT A SCHOOLGIRL ♪

♪ I SHOULDN'T REALLY CARE... ♪

KEEP SINGING.
I CAN HEAR YOU FROM OUTSIDE.

EDITH, THIS IS MADNESS.

- ( metal rattles )
- MICHELLE! MICHELLE!

SHE'S NOT HERE.
LET US GO BACK TO THE CAFE.

QUICK, IT IS
ALL CONNECTED.

ALL WE NEED IS
A HIGHER AERIAL.

WELL, I DO NOT
HAPPEN TO HAVE ONE.

EDITH,
BACK INTO THE CAFE.

NO, NO,
IT IS ARRANGED.

IT IS ATTACHED
TO THIS BRICK.

( window shatters )

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

THAT IS THE WINDOW
OF MY BATHROOM!

( Mama howling )

WHO HAS THROWN A BRICK

INTO MY BATHROOM?

IT'S ALL RIGHT, MAMA.

IT IS ONLY
THE RESISTANCE.

THAT IS RIGHT,
TELL THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.

Male voice:
'Allo, 'allo, are you receiving me?

QUICK,
THEY'RE COMING THROUGH.

YOU TAKE THE RADIO.
I MUST MERGE INTO THE SCENERY.

"MERGE INTO THE SCENERY,"
SHE SAYS.

WHY CANNOT WE MERGE
INTO THE SCENERY?

QUICK. THE RADIO.

IT IS NOT CORRECTLY TUNED.

I WILL TWIDDLE THE KNOB.

( radio static,
screeching )

♪ I'M FEELING QUITE INSANE ♪

♪ AND YOUNG AGAIN ♪

♪ AND ALL BECAUSE ♪

♪ I'M MAD ABOUT THE BOY. ♪

GOOD MOANING.

WHERE IS THE OWNER
OF THE SMELL TINK?

I AM THE OWNER.

YOU HAVE LEFT
YOUR RUDIO ON.

IF YOU DO NOT
SWATCH IT OFF,

YOU WILL HAVE
A FLITT BITTERY.

THANK YOU,
I WAS JUST LEAVING ANYWAY.

CAN I GIVE ANYONE A LIFT?
COLONEL? HELGA?

- THANK YOU.
- THANK YOU.

'Allo, 'allo,
I am receiving you.

Stand by. We have
somebody who wishes to speak with you.

I DO NOT RECOGNIZE
THIS VOICE.

DO YOU THINK IT COULD BE
HERR FLICK AGAIN?

VERY LIKELY.
LET US GET OUT OF HERE.

RENE, WHAT WERE YOU DOING
IN GRUBER'S LITTLE TANK?

( stammering )
WE HEARD THE TELEPHONE RING,

SO WE JUST POPPED IN
TO ANSWER IT,

IN CASE IT WAS
ANYONE IMPORTANT FOR YOU,

- LIKE HITLER.
- Hello?

THAT DOESN'T SOUND
LIKE HITLER.

Hello?

THIS IS COLONEL VON STROHM,
WHO'S TALKING?

( staticky )
Captain Hans Geering.

HANS.

THANK HEAVENS
YOU'RE SAFE.

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?

Um, the Resistance
took me away.

HE IS IN THE HANDS
OF THE RESISTANCE.

THEY'LL BE WANTING
A RANSOM.

HANS, CAN YOU GIVE US
YOUR PRESENT POSITION?

I am in an office,

overlooking
Piccadilly Circus.

Woman in background:
Violets! Lovely violets!

WHAT'S HAPPENED?

I'm afraid the war
is over for me, Colonel.

The Resistance mistook me
for a British airman

and sent me
back to England.

THEN YOU MUST ESCAPE
AND GET BACK HERE

AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.

Um, that will not be easy.

You see, I do not have
my spectacles.

HANS, WHAT AM I GOING
TO TELL THE GENERAL?

Well, um--

tell him the food
is very good

and the British think
they're going to win.

Over and out.

HANS?

HANS?

- HANS!
- ( static crackles )

HANS.

( theme music playing )