'Allo 'Allo (1982–1992): Season 3, Episode 4 - Flight of Fancy - full transcript

( theme music playing )

IT IS POSSIBLE THAT
THE MORE CURIOUS AMONG YOU

ARE WONDERING
WHAT I AM FIDDLING WITH

UNDER THE BEDCLOTHES.

I WILL NOT
KEEP YOU IN SUSPENSE.

IT IS A SAUSAGE.

IN FACT, IT IS THE SAUSAGE
CONTAINING THE FAMOUS PORTRAIT

OF THE FALLEN MADONNA
WITH THE BIG BOOBIES BY VAN CLOMP.

I RESCUED IT LAST NIGHT
WITH GREAT BRAVERY

FROM UNDER THE VERY NOSE
OF GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN.

ALL I HAVE TO DO NOW IS
GIVE IT TO LIEUTENANT GRUBER,



WHO IS THE ONE WHO IS
A BIT THIS WAY AND THAT--

MOSTLY THAT--
TO COPY THE PAINTING.

I CAN THEN GIVE THE ORIGINAL
TO THE COLONEL...

AND GIVE THE COPY
TO HERR FLICK,

WHO WILL NO DOUBT HAVE ANOTHER
COPY MADE TO SEND TO HITLER.

WHAT COULD BE SIMPLER?

NOW YOU WILL UNDERSTAND
WHY VAN CLOMP

IS NOT ONE OF
MY FAVORITE ARTISTS.

RENE, IS IT THAT YOU INTEND
TO STAY IN BED ALL DAY?

MICHELLE IS HERE.

I WILL COME DOWN.

NO, NO, NO.

SHE IS ON THE LANDING,
I WILL ASK HER TO COME IN.

IS NOWHERE SACRED
IN THIS HOUSE?



ARE WE ALONE?

YES, I THINK SO.

LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY,

I SHALL SAY THIS
ONLY ONCE.

WE HAVE A PROBLEM,

THE AIRPLANE IN WHICH
THE AIRMEN ARE TO ESCAPE

IS AT THE BACK OF
THE TRANSPORT MUSEUM.

WHAT IS THE PROBLEM?

IN FRONT OF IT
ARE MANY ANTIQUE VEHICLES.

GOOD, THEN PERHAPS WE CAN
ABANDON THIS HAREBRAINED PLAN.

NO, NO, NO. SHE HAS ANOTHER
HAREBRAINED PLAN.

THE GERMANS WILL BE ASKED
TO GIVE PERMISSION

TO HOLD AN ANTIQUE
VEHICLE RALLY.

THIS WILL CLEAR THE WAY FOR
THE REMOVAL OF THE AIRPLANE,

WHICH WILL BE
YOUR RESPONSIBILITY.

MY RESPONSIBILITY?

WHY ME?!

BECAUSE OF YOUR
BRAVE EXPLOITS.

THE RESISTANCE
HAVE HONORED YOU

BY SELECTING YOU
FOR THIS TASK.

OH, WHAT LUCK.

( footsteps approaching )

I HEAR A STEP
ON THE STAIR.

IT IS A GERMAN SOLDIER,
HE IS LOOKING FOR THE BATHROOM.

QUICK, MICHELLE, HIDE!

SORRY, I WAS LOOKING
FOR THE KHAZI.

IT'S DOWNSTAIRS,
SECOND DOOR ON THE LEFT.

IT IS MY DAY OFF.

LUCKY YOU.
THANK YOU.

WHY DO YOU SLEEP WITH
A SAUSAGE IN YOUR BED?

MY WIFE SOMETIMES LIKES
A LITTLE NIBBLE IN THE NIGHT.

WHERE IS IT, HANS?

JUST DOWN THE CORRIDOR
WHERE IT ALWAYS HAS BEEN.

THE KNIFE! WHERE IS THE KNIFE
TO OPEN THE SAUSAGE?

OH, YES.
I HAVE IT HERE, COLONEL.

- GOOD, GIVE IT TO ME.
- YES, SIR.

NOW, WE MUST
VERY DELICATELY

REMOVE THE PAINTING
FROM THE SAUSAGE.

HERR FLICK
OF THE GESTAPO.

I HAVE BROUGHT FOR YOU
THIS BUNCH OF WILD FLOWERS.

HERR FLICK,
HOW KIND.

HAVE YOU A VASE
OR OTHER RECEPTACLE?

YES, IT CONTAINS ROSES.

BUT I WILL THROW THEM AWAY

IN FAVOR OF THESE BEAUTIFUL
DANDELIONS AND...

BELLADONNA AND RAGWORT

AND OTHER THINGS
I DO NOT RECOGNIZE.

IT SETS THEM OFF WELL.
I LIKE WILD THINGS.

I KNOW THIS TO BE TRUE.

DO YOU WISH ME
TO ANNOUNCE YOU?

IN TIME.

FIRST, YOU MAY KISS ME.

THANK YOU, HERR FLICK.

STOP!
RELEASE YOUR HAIR.

I WISH IT TO CASCADE
DOWN YOUR SHOULDERS.

IT IS CASCADING.

THEN GO TO IT.

I ENJOYED THAT,
HERR FLICK.

I KNEW YOU WOULD.

REMOVE ALL TRACES
OF YOUR LIPSTICK FROM MY FACE.

MM-MMM.

NOW, I WILL GIVE YOU
THE BAD NEWS.

THE SAUSAGE I OBTAINED
LAST NIGHT FROM

VON KLINKERHOFFEN'S
WARDROBE

DID NOT CONTAIN
THE PAINTING.

SOME SMART ALECK MUST HAVE
GOT THERE FIRST.

OH, NO, HERR FLICK.

SAY NOTHING OF THIS
TO THE COLONEL.

NO, HERR FLICK.

BUT, WHAT ABOUT
THE GOOD NEWS?

THE GOOD NEWS IS,
THERE IS NO MORE BAD NEWS.

ANNOUNCE ME.

WAIT, THERE'S A SPECK
REMAINING OF THE LIPSTICK.

HANS, THERE IS
NO PAINTING,

JUST STICKY
GARLIC SAUSAGE.

SOMEBODY BEAT US TO IT.

( knock at door )

YES?

HERR FLICK OF THE GESTAPO.

HERR FLICK
OF THE GESTAPO.

HERR FLICK OF
THE GESTAPO!

KEEP CALM, HANS.

DON'T LET HIM IN.
KEEP HIM WAITING.

HIDE THE SAUSAGE.

HIDE THE SAUSAGE?
WHERE DO I HIDE THE SAUSAGE?

QUICK!
ANYWHERE!

GO ON, LET HIM IN.

LET HIM IN!

HERR FLICK OF THE GESTAPO!

HEIL HITLER.

HEIL HITLER.

KLOP!

WE WERE JUST READING
THE NEWSPAPER.

YES, WE WERE JUST READING
THE NEWSPAPER.

ISN'T THE WAR
GOING WONDERFULLY?

WE SHOULD HAVE THEM
MORE OFTEN, YOU KNOW?

WE DO THEM SO WELL.

IT HAS COME TO MY EARS

THAT YOU HAVE GIVEN
PERMISSION FOR A DISPLAY

OF OLD TRACTORS
AND SIMILAR VEHICLES.

WE THOUGHT IT WOULD CHEER UP
THE PEASANTS, HERR FLICK.

AS WELL AS MAKING US
LOOK LIKE JOLLY GOOD EGGS.

I DO NOT TRUST THE FRENCH.

THERE IS ALWAYS A PURPOSE
BEHIND THEIR REQUESTS.

VERY WELL, WE WILL
CANCEL IT, HERR FLICK.

YES, AND PUT THE ONES
WHO SUGGESTED IT IN THE NICK.

YOU WILL DO
NO SUCH THING.

YOU WILL
OBSERVE THEM CLOSELY.

YOU WILL FIND A WAY TO MINGLE
AMONG THEM UNDETECTED.

WITH YOUR EXPERIENCE,

WOULDN'T IT BE BETTER IF YOU
DID IT YOURSELF, HERR FLICK?

YES, I HEAR YOU'RE
A VERY GOOD MINGLER.

PRACTICALLY UNDETECTABLE.

YOU HAVE SUCH
A FORGETTABLE FACE.

I WILL BE THERE
IN THE VICINITY.

IF ANYTHING SUSPICIOUS OCCURS

I WILL BE ON HAND
AND I WILL TAKE ACTION.

THAT IS ALL.
HEIL HITLER!

- HEIL HITLER!
- KLOP!

( shouting )
HERR FLICK OF THE GE--

OH, SHE KNOWS.

( humming )

RENE, HOW MUCH LONGER

DO I HAVE TO REMAIN
BEHIND THE CURTAINS

DISGUISED AS
A SMALL BOY?

MARIA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING
DRESSED LIKE THAT?

YOUR WIFE MADE ME DO IT.

SHE SAYS
GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN

IS STILL SEARCHING FOR ME.

UNTIL THE SEARCH DIES DOWN,

I MUST DISGUISE MYSELF BY
SCREWING UP MY HAIR UNDER MY CAP

AND TAKING OFF ALL MY MAKEUP
AND FLATTENING MY BOSOM.

YOU HAVE MADE A GOOD JOB
OF THE HAIR AND THE MAKEUP.

RENE, EMBRACE ME.

CRUSH YOUR LIPS TO MY LIPS,

MAKE MY KNEES TREMBLE.

THRILL ME.

SEND RIPPLES DOWN MY SPINE.

VERY WELL,
GET THE CHAIR.

DO I STILL MAKE THE LITTLE
HAIRS STAND OUT

ON THE BACK OF YOUR NECK?

SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

RENE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING
WITH YOUR ARMS AROUND MARIA?

I AM FLATTENING HER BOSOM.

FLATTENING HER BOSOM?

OF COURSE,
YOU STUPID WOMAN.

LITTLE BOYS DO NOT HAVE
STICKING-OUT BOSOMS.

OH RENE, SUCH AN EYE
FOR DETAIL.

GET BEHIND
THE BAR

AND TRY NOT
TO BE NOTICED.

RENE, LIEUTENANT GRUBER
IS IN THE BAR.

HE IS ASKING FOR YOU.

EDITH, YOU DEAL WITH HIM.

HE FANCIES ME.
IT IS VERY EMBARRASSING.

BUT HE'S LOOKING FOR
THE PAINTING.

HE WANTS TO MAKE
A COPY OF IT.

OH HECK. WELL, TELL HIM
TO COME IN HERE.

I DO NOT LIKE TO BE SEEN
TALKING WITH HIM.

LIEUTENANT GRUBER, RENE INVITES
YOU INTO THE BACK ROOM.

OH...

A RARE HONOR.

HELLO!

GOOD DAY TO YOU, RENE.

OH, HOW COZY.

THIS IS THE FIRST TIME
I HAVE SEEN YOUR REAR QUARTERS.

AMEN TO THAT.

THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER.

I HAVE JUST HEARD
FROM THE COLONEL.

HE IS HOPPING MAD

THAT HE OBTAINED
ONLY AN EMPTY SAUSAGE.

DO NOT WORRY, LIEUTENANT.

I GOT THE ONE
WITH THE PAINTING

SO THAT YOU COULD
DO THE COPYING.

MARVELOUS. YOU HAVE
A BRAVE STREAK, RENE.

YOU MUST HAVE TAKEN THIS
FROM UNDER THE VERY NOSE

OF GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN.

UNDER HIS VERY KNEES--
I WAS HIDING UNDER THE BED.

IT IS NOW SAFE UNDER THE BED
OF MY WIFE'S MOTHER.

FOLLOW ME.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING
WITH THAT SAUSAGE?

I PRAYED TO GOD
AND HE LEFT IT UNDER MY BED.

YOU PRAYED TO GOD
FOR A SAUSAGE?

NO, NO, NO, NO.

BUT OBVIOUSLY THIS WAS
AS NEAR AS HE COULD GET.

NO, NO, DO NOT EAT IT,
YOU STUPID OLD BAT.

IT IS CANVAS.

IT'S THE NAME OF
THE DUTCH BUTCHER, VAN CLOMP.

OH MY GOD.

DO NOT WORRY,
WE CAN INVISIBLY MEND IT.

WHY ARE YOU BRINGING
INTO MY BEDROOM GERMANS?

( spitting )

IF THERE IS ANY MORE CANVAS,
COME ON, SPIT IT OUT.

GERMANS! GERMANS!

THEY RAPE
DEFENSELESS WOMEN.

THIS ONE DOES NOT,

HE IS MY FRIEND.

COLLABORATOR!

COLLABORATOR!

IN-LAWS ARE ALWAYS
SO MUCH TROUBLE.

THIS IS WHY I
DO NOT GET MARRIED.

FLASHING BEDKNOBS?

RENE, WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?

IT MEANS SHE WANTS
TO GO TO THE BATHROOM.

WE MUST LEAVE.
QUICKLY, QUICKLY.

I SAY, CARSTAIRS,
I THINK WE'D BETTER ANSWER THE WIRELESS.

AAGH! LEAVE IT ALONE.

NO, NO, NO. YOU DO NOT
UNDERSTAND HOW TO MAKE IT WORK.

LEAVE IT ALONE.

- WHAT'S SHE SAYING?
- I DON'T KNOW, IT'S IN FRENCH.

SO HOW ARE WE GOING TO
SPEAK ON THIS THING?

WELL, I KNOW
A LITTLE BIT.

WELL, GO AHEAD THEN.

'ALLO?

WAS THAT IT?

YES.

Male voice:
'Allo, Nighthawk,

we have here
the commanding officer

who wants to speak to
the British airmen,

Fairfax and Carstairs.
Over.

I RECOGNIZE OUR NAMES.

( shouting )
HELLO.

WE'RE... HERE.

Male voice #2:
Hello, Wing Commander Hargreaves here.

IT'S RANDY HARGREAVES AGAIN.

Are you still coming over
in that antique kite?

AS FAR AS WE KNOW.

I see.

Well, aim for Eastbourne,
keep over to the right

and we'll have a big net
ready for you.

ROGER.

Oh, and there's a fast train
to Victoria at 5:30.

You buy the tickets and
we'll refund the money.

- OH, GOOD SHOW.
- BANG ON.

Oh, by the way,

your girlfriend
sends her best regards.

WHO? DEIRDRE?

Yeah, that's right.
I'd put her on the line

but she's in the shower
at the moment.

IN THE SHOWER?

Over and out.

THEY DON'T CALL HIM RANDY
FOR NOTHING, DO THEY!?

FOREIGNERS!
( spitting )

'ALLO, SOLDIER.

'ALLO, YOU NAUGHTY BOY.

HAVE YOU GOT A LIGHT?

THANK YOU.

CAN I DO FOR YOU
ANYTHING ELSE?

I DO NOT THINK SO.

YVETTE, WHAT ARE
YOU DOING?

YOU ARE GOING TO GET
MY CAFE A BAD NAME.

IT IS MY AFTERNOON OFF.

I AM TRYING TO GET
TOGETHER ENOUGH MONEY

SO THAT YOU AND I CAN
TAKE A TRAIN TO PARIS

AND DISAPPEAR.

HOW ARE YOU DOING?

I HAVE ENOUGH MONEY FOR
THE BUS TO THE STATION.

PERHAPS YOU SHOULD HAVE
A SPRING SALE.

RENE, HOLD ME AND KISS ME

JUST FOR A MOMENT.

I AM A RESPECTABLE
CAFE OWNER.

I CANNOT BE SEEN WITH
A WOMAN OF THE STREETS.

( dog whines )

'ALLO, SOLDIER.

IF YOU DO NOT
MAUVE ALONG

I SHALL HAVE TO KNOCK YOU
FOR SOLICITING FOR IMMORAL PORPOISES.

YOU ENGLISH TWIT,
I AM YVETTE, THE WAITRESS.

I DO NOT CARE.
YOU ARE ON MY POTCH.

I HAVE MY DUTY TO DO.

GO, AND TAKE YOUR
PUDDLE WITH YOU.

I SAY, YOU CHAPS,
WHAT ARE YOU UP TO?

JUST HAVING A BREATH
OF FRESH AIR.

DON'T GET CAUGHT.

( circus music playing )

( record scratches )

IT IS I, LECLERC.

I AM DISGUISED AS A CLOWN.

THE DISGUISE
WAS NOT NECESSARY.

I HAVE A MESSAGE
FROM MICHELLE.

SHE WILL ARRIVE TO COLLECT
THE MOTOR FROM THE MOWER

THAT IS IN THE BATH CHAIR

WHICH IS TO GO
INTO THE AIRPLANE THAT IS IN THE MUSEUM

READY FOR THE TAKE-OFF.

SHE IS OFF
HER ROCKER.

ALSO...

YOU ARE TO COLLECT
200 FEET OF ELASTIC

TO MAKE A CATAPULT
TO ASSIST IT INTO THE AIR.

200 FEET OF ELASTIC?

WHERE AM I SUPPOSED TO FIND
200 FEET OF ELASTIC?

EVERY MAN IN THE VILLAGE
WILL GIVE UP HIS BRACES.

I HAVE ALREADY
GIVEN UP MINE.

VIVE LA FRANCE.

LOOK OUT, THERE ARE
GERMANS COMING.

GET THEM ON!

AND NOW,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

WITH YOUR PERMISSION,

NEVER BEFORE SEEN
IN NOUVION,

SEVEN CLUBS IN THE AIR
AT ONE TIME.

NEVER BEFORE SEEN.
MUSIC, MAESTRO, PLEASE.

AH, HA, SEVEN.

I DID NOT SAY
I COULD CATCH THEM.

WHERE IS RENE?
WE WISH TO SPEAK TO HIM.

HE IS JUST CLEARING A TABLE.
HE WILL BE HERE IN A MINUTE.

AH, CAPTAIN, COLONEL,

I AM SORRY IF I HAVE
KEPT YOU WAITING.

I WAS DEALING WITH
A STROLLING IDIOT.

RENE, THERE ARE GOING ON

THINGS WE DO NOT UNDERSTAND.

REALLY, COLONEL?

A DRINK ON THE HOUSE,
PERHAPS?

THANK YOU.

FOR INSTANCE, WHERE IS THE MOTOR
OF THE GENERAL'S LAWN MOWER?.

SEARCH ME.

WE DID.
WE DIDN'T FIND IT.

SECOND, THIS VEHICLE RALLY,

WHAT IS BEHIND IT?

NOTHING, COLONEL.
IT IS JUST US SIMPLE PEASANTS

ENJOYING OURSELVES WITH
OLD STEAM ENGINES

AND TRACTORS AND THINGS.

WE ARE, AFTER ALL, ALL LITTLE
BOYS AT HEART, ARE WE NOT?

THIS IS TRUE. I STILL
SLEEP WITH HERMAN, MY TEDDY BEAR.

I WARN YOU, RENE,
HERR FLICK WILL BE THERE,

AND WE SHALL ALSO BE THERE.

MINGLING.

TRUTHFULLY, COLONEL,

THERE IS NOTHING UNUSUAL
GOING ON IN THE VILLAGE.

MY BRACES.

WHY DID THIS MAN
GIVE YOU HIS BRACES?

IT IS A SECRET SOCIETY,
COLONEL.

IT IS THE GRAND ORDER
OF THE UH-- OF THE UH--

- OF THE NIGHT OWLS.
- OF THE NIGHT OWLS.

THAT IS RIGHT.
THE GRAND ORDER OF THE NIGHT OWLS.

I AM THE GRAND MASTER.

HE IS THE BIG HOOT.

THAT MAN HAS
JUST BEEN INITIATED.

FOR THREE WEEKS
HE MUST GO AROUND WITH NO BRACES.

WHAT HAVE BRACES TO DO
WITH NIGHT OWLS?

NIGHT OWLS
DO NOT WEAR BRACES,

THAT IS WHY HE HAS
TAKEN THEM OFF.

IT IS ALL QUITE LOGICAL
WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT.

DO THEY HAVE GIRLS?

I WARN YOU, RENE,

WE WILL BE KEEPING
OUR EYE UPON YOU.

I AM NO FOOL.

AND I AM
NO FOOL EITHER.

CAPTAIN, YOUR HAT.

OH, YES.

'ALLO, CAPTAIN.

YOUR DOGGY LOOKS TIRED.

EDITH, YOU HEARD
WHAT HE SAID.

THIS IS GETTING
FAR TOO DANGEROUS.

WE MUST GET A MESSAGE
TO MICHELLE

AND TELL HER TO CALL
THE WHOLE THING OFF.

YOU HAVE THE GUTS
OF A JELLYFISH.

YVETTE! MARIA!

NOW LISTEN CAREFULLY,

MICHELLE SAID THIS
ONLY ONCE.

TOMORROW MORNING
AT 9:30

WE MUST BE IN POSITION
ON THE ROAD BY THE MUSEUM.

EDITH, ARE YOU MAD?

WE WILL STICK OUT LIKE
A CARROT IN AN OMELET.

DO NOT INTERRUPT.

WE WILL BE DISGUISED
AS ROAD WORKERS.

WHEN THEY DRAW
THE VEHICLES OUT, WE RUN IN.

WHAT DO WE DO THEN?

MICHELLE WILL BE THERE
TO TELL YOU THE REST OF THE PLAN.

FOR WHAT REASON
CAN YOU NOT REVEAL THE REST OF THE PLAN NOW?

THAT IS ALL
SHE HAS TOLD ME.

IF WE ARE CAPTURED,
THE LESS WE KNOW THE BETTER.

I WOULD BE QUITE HAPPY
TO KNOW NOTHING AT ALL.

OH, THAT POOR OLD LADY.
HELP HER.

THANK YOU, MY CHILD.

I WAS JUST GATHERING A FEW
STICKS AS KINDLING FOR MY FIRE.

YOU CAN SHARE
SOME OF MINE,

I HAVE SOME
IN THE BACK.

YOU WILL BE REWARDED, CHILD.
GIVE ME A SEAT AT THE BAR.

LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY,
I SHALL SAY THIS ONLY ONCE.

OH MY GOD.

I HAVE COME
FOR THE BATH CHAIR.

WHY ARE YOU DISGUISED
AS THE GRANDMOTHER

OF MY WIFE'S MOTHER?

NO ONE WILL SUSPECT
AN OLD LADY IN A BATH CHAIR.

THEY WILL IF YOU DO NOT
COVER UP YOUR LEGS.

THE BATH CHAIR IS OUTSIDE.

YVETTE, MARIA, MY LAD,

HELP THIS EXCEEDINGLY
ANCIENT OLD LADY

TO THE BATH CHAIR

BEFORE SHE KICKS THE BUCKET
IN MY BAR.

THANK YOU, MY CHILDREN.

YOU WILL BE REWARDED
FOR YOUR KINDNESS.

WHO IS THE PIECE
OF CRUMPET?

( motor sputtering )

OH, RENE.

THE SIGHT OF
YOUR WHITE BODY

IS DRIVING ME FRANTIC
WITH YEARNING.

I AM FINDING IT HARD
TO CONTROL--

HOLD ME TO YOU IN
YOUR STRONG WHITE ARMS.

YVETTE, ROUGH ROAD MENDERS
DO NOT HUG EACH OTHER.

DRAT IT!

MY STOCKINGS HAVE LADDERED
UNDER MY TROUSERS.

STOP COMPLAINING,
EMPTY YOUR BARROW.

EDITH,

DO YOU HAVE TO BEHAVE
IN THAT DISGUSTING MANNER?

IT IS PART OF
MY CHARACTER.

WHY ARE THEY DOING
ALL THIS DIGGING?

I THOUGHT WE WERE
GOING TO FLY OUT?

I EXPECT IT'S ALL PART
OF A CLEVER WHEEZE

BY THAT RATHER DISHY
RESISTANCE GIRL.

HAVE YOU GOT A BIT
OF A PASH FOR HER?

I HAVE ACTUALLY.

CAVEE,
HERE COMES A TANK.

PFFT.

( whistle blows)
STOP! STOP!

EXCUSE ME, MADAME,
WHICH WAY DO I HAVE TO GO

TO GET TO THE MUSEUM
OF ANCIENT VEHICLES?

MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS.

WE WILL TAKE NO NOTICE
OF THIS RUDE PEASANT.

DRIVE ON, CLARENCE.

HALT!

YOU, DIGGING PEASANT,

WHERE IS THE MUSEUM?

I AM SPEAKING TO YOU.

TURN AND FACE ME,

OR I WILL SHOOT YOU
WITH MY BIG GUN.

IT IS THAT WAY.

RENE, YOU!

WHY ARE YOU DIGGING
THE ROAD?

WE ARE REPAIRING IT
FOR THE GLORIOUS GERMAN TANKS.

BUT YOUR BEAUTIFUL ARTISTIC
HANDS WILL BE RUINED.

IT IS A TERRIBLE WAR.

HERE,
TAKE MY DRIVING GLOVES.

I NORMALLY ONLY WEAR THEM
WHEN I AM FIRING MY GUN,

BUT I WILL NOT BE
SHOOTING TODAY.

IT'S A PLEASURE TRIP.

OFF WE GO,
CLARENCE.

I AM FORCING THE RUBBER PIPE
OVER THE NIPPLE.

HOW FORTUNATE YOU ARE HERE,
HERR FLICK.

I HAVE NO EXPERIENCE
OF THIS SORT OF THING.

IT WOULD BE BEYOND
YOUR CAPABILITIES.

IT IS STIFF AND HARD.

IT IS DONE.

NOW...

I WILL WATCH THE GAUGE;
YOU WILL PUMP.

PLACE YOUR FEET
IN THE STIRRUPS.

BEND OVER.

IT IS MORE EFFECTIVE IF YOU
GRIP IT FIRMLY WITH BOTH HANDS.

NOW PULL, THRUST,

PULL, THRUST,

PULL, THRUST--
FASTER, FASTER!

PULL, THRUST,
PULL, THRUST...

THRUST, THRUST--
IT IS BUILDING UP.

THRUST, THRUST,
THRUST.

THRUST.
WE ARE NEARLY THERE.

PULL, THRUST,
PULL, THRUST.

I CANNOT KEEP IT UP
MUCH LONGER.

YOU MUST, YOU MUST!
THRUST, THRUST.

I AM PULLING AND THRUSTING,
HERR FLICK.

STOP! STOP!

WAS THAT ALL RIGHT?

FOR ME, EXCELLENT.

HOW ABOUT YOU?

EXHAUSTING,
BUT VERY EXCITING.

WAS THIS YOUR
FIRST TIME?

YES, NEVER BEFORE

HAS ONE GONE FLAT ON ME.

MORE COAL, HANS,
MORE COAL.

MORE COAL, HE SAYS,
ALL THE TIME, MORE COAL.

WHEN DO I GET
A GO WITH THE WHEEL? 10 MINUTES YOU'VE HAD IT.

WHO COMMANDEERED
THE STEAMROLLER?

- WHO PUT THE DRIVERS
IN JAIL? - YOU DID, COLONEL.

THAT'S WHY I'M AT THE WHEEL
AND YOU'RE AT THE COAL.

CAN I WORK
THE WHISTLE?

JUST ONE TOOT.

( whistle blows )

THAT IS MORE FUN
THAN DRIVING IT.

- IS IT?
- ( whistle blows )

I CAN SEE SMOKE.

QUICK, MY POWERFUL
BINOCULARS.

KEEP STILL.

I CAN SEE SMOKE

AND SMELL
LILY OF THE VALLEY.

THAT WAS THE PERFUME
YOU GAVE ME.

YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO
BATH IN IT.

MMM.
WE NEED TO BE CLOSER.

VERY WELL,
HERR FLICK.

GET YOUR NOSE
OUT OF MY EAR.

PUT THESE AWAY.

HEY, WHOA.
WHOA.

PSST!
IT IS I, LECLERC.

- WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
- ( stammers )

PEOPLE STOP ME AND I HAVE
TO TELL FOR THEM THEIR FORTUNES.

WHAT IS HAPPENING?

I HAVE A MESSAGE
FROM MICHELLE.

THE TRACTORS ARE
LEAVING THE SHED.

COME. GET IN QUICK.
I WILL TAKE YOU THERE.

IN THE BACK,
EVERYBODY.

HEY, HEY, HEY!
BE CAREFUL OF THE CROWN DERBY.

AND WATCH OUT FOR
HIS CRYSTAL BALL.

YOU CAN SIT BESIDE ME.
YOU HAVE A LUCKY FACE.

- MMM.
- WHAT AN HONOR.

( honks )

MICHELLE!

MICHELLE, AN ARMORED
CAR IS APPROACHING.

HAVE READY YOUR GIRLS.
IF NECESSARY WE WILL SHOOT.

BUT THE BULLETS
WILL BOUNCE OFF.

DO NOT BE A DEFEATIST.

PAY ATTENTION!

AH.

HELLO.

PAY ATTENTION!

I WILL LEAD THE PROCESSION
TO THE TOWN SQUARE.

YOU WILL KEEP
TO THE MAIN ROAD,

YOU WILL STAY
VERY CLOSE BEHIND ME

AND THERE WILL
BE NO DEVIATION.

TOOT YOUR TOOTERS
IF YOU UNDERSTAND.

- ( engine tooting )
- ( screams )

THE MUSEUM IS THE OTHER
SIDE OF THE HEDGE.

WE WILL LEAVE THIS THING HERE
AND WE WILL CREEP CLOSER ON FOOT

TO SEE WHAT IS HAPPENING.

- ( blows )
- HANS, LEAVE THE TOOTER ALONE.

YOU WILL USE UP
ALL THE STEAM.

♪ TOTE THAT BARGE,
LIFT THAT BALE. ♪

AND PUT ON SOME MORE COAL

IN CASE WE HAVE TO MAKE
A QUICK GETAWAY.

WE WILL STOP HERE,
CREEP FORWARD OF THE HEDGE

- AND OBSERVE
WHAT IS GOING ON. - YES, HERR FLICK.

BRING MY POWERFUL
BINOCULARS AND THE RUG.

THE RUG?

I DO NOT WISH TO GET BITS
OF STRAW ALL OVER YOUR UNIFORM.

YOU THINK OF EVERYTHING,
HERR FLICK.

ONE MUST TAKE
PRECAUTIONS.

Leclerc:
WHOA, WHOA!

WE WILL WAIT HERE,
UNTIL THE RALLY MOVES OFF.

Gruber:
PAY ATTENTION,

I WILL FIRE MY GUN
AS A SIGNAL TO START.

DON'T WORRY,
IT'S ONLY A BLANK.

FINGERS IN EARS, CLARENCE.

FORWARD!

DRIVE ON.

Rene:
THEY ARE MOVING OFF.

Edith:
IN WE GO.

RENE, BRING THE ELASTIC.

SHOULD I NOT STAY HERE
AND LOOK AFTER THE HORSE?

KEEP IT TICKING OVER?

IT IS, AFTER ALL,
OUR GETAWAY CAR.

LECLERC WILL LOOK
AFTER THE HORSE.

WHAT A FINE SIGHT.

HANS, WE MUST SLIP IN
AMONGST THEM UNOBSERVED.

UNOBSERVED?
IN A STEAMROLLER?

DON'T ARGUE.

CAN I DRIVE?

OH, VERY WELL.

THEY ARE SO BIG
AND HEAVY.

DID YOU FEEL
THE EARTH TREMBLE?

YES, INDEED, HERR FLICK.

IT WAS A MEMORABLE
EXPERIENCE.

WHAT HAPPENS NOW?

COME, WE WILL FOLLOW
IN MY STAFF CAR.

MORE COAL.

- ( whistle blows )
- HERE WE GO.

HANS, YOU FOOL,
YOU'RE GOING THE WRONG WAY!!

OH DEAR.

FORE!

- WHERE IS THE BRAKE?
- REVERSE THE LEVER.

IT IS STUCK.

IF THERE IS ANYBODY
IN THE CAR,

PLEASE GET OUT OF IT
VERY QUICKLY.

- HOW DO YOU STOP IT?
- REDUCE THE PRESSURE.

REDUCE THE PRESSURE, HE SAYS.
HOW DO YOU REDUCE THE PRESSURE?

LET OFF STEAM,
YOU FOOL.

OH, COLONEL.

( metal crunching )

OH, DEAR.

THAT WAS
HERR FLICK'S CAR.

HERR FLICK
OF THE GESTAPO.

IS THERE A PANEL BEATER
IN THE TOWN?

WHO HAS SQUASHED
MY GESTAPO STAFF CAR?

IT WAS CAPTAIN GEERING,
HERR FLICK.

HEIL HITLER.

THIS IS VERY SERIOUS.

THE GESTAPO IS ONLY INSURED
THIRD PARTY.

THE CONVOY IS DISAPPEARING,
HERR FLICK.

WE WILL HAVE TO
TRAVEL ON THIS.

QUICK,
FOLLOW THOSE ENGINES.

FULL SPEED AHEAD.

OKAY, CHAPS, OVER HERE.

IN YOU GO.

JOLLY GOOD. ARE YOU GOING
TO DRIVE, CARSTAIRS?

OH ALL RIGHT,
I'LL HAVE A GO.

IS THERE A HANDBOOK
OR ANYTHING?

IT IS QUITE SIMPLE.

THE ELASTIC BRACES ARE TIED
ONTO THAT CAR AND HOOKED ROUND THE UNDERCARRIAGE.

WE START YOU UP,
THE CAR IS DRIVEN OFF,

WHEN THE BRACES
ARE AT FULL STRETCH,

WE PULL AWAY THE CHOCKS
AND OFF YOU GO.

- PIECE OF CAKE.
- WHERE'S ENGLAND?

WHEN YOU'RE IN THE AIR,
TURN RIGHT AND KEEP STRAIGHT ON.

YOU START IT,
I WILL DRIVE IT.

DO NOT TALK TO ME
WITH A PIPE IN YOUR MOUTH.

MARIA, WHEN I GIVE
THE SIGNAL

YOU AND YVETTE WILL
PULL AWAY THE CHOCKS.

ROGER.

LISETTE, STAND BY
ON THE PROPELLER.

STANDING BY.

SWITCH ON. CONTACT.

PUT YOUR BACK INTO IT,

THEY HAVE STARTED
THEIRS ALREADY.

I AM KILLING MYSELF HERE.

SISSY.

YOU HAVE TO FEEL FOR
THE COMPRESSION,

HOLD THE CHOKE.

HOW DO YOU KNOW SO MUCH
ABOUT IT ANYWAY?

I USED TO DRIVE ONE OF THESE
WHEN I WAS A YOUNG GIRL.

YOU GOT IT FROM THE 1904
MOTOR SHOW, I SUPPOSE.

I AM THE HERO OF THE RESISTANCE,
I AM DRIVING.

WE ARE READY!

ALL IS CLEAR.

GOOD LUCK, CHAPS.

- TICKETY-BOO.
- BANG ON.

GO, AS FAST AS YOU CAN.

- PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN.
- IT IS FLAT ON THE FLOOR.

STAND BY.

- STAND BY.
- HERE GOES.

WHY ARE WE SLOWING DOWN?

IT IS THE ELASTIC,
IT IS AT FULL STRETCH.

RELEASE THE CHOCKS.

IT IS JAMMED.
I CANNOT SHIFT IT.

I CANNOT HOLD IT.

YOU WILL HAVE TO
GET OUT AND PUSH.

( loud crash )

I THINK THERE HAS BEEN

A RIGHT NOSE-UP.

QUICK, BACK TO THE CAFE.

GOOD, I WILL USE
THE SUPERCHARGER.

WE WILL DISAPPEAR LIKE
PHANTOMS INTO THE WOODS.

WAIT FOR ME.

( theme music playing )