'Allo 'Allo (1982–1992): Season 2, Episode 2 - The Wooing of Widow Artois - full transcript

( theme music playing )

IN ME YOU SEE
A WORRIED MAN.

DO NOT BE DECEIVED
BY MY HAPPY FACE.

I AM A WORRIED MAN.

I AM NOT FRIGHTENED
OF THE GESTAPO.

I AM NOT FRIGHTENED
OF THE GERMANS.

I AM NOT EVEN FRIGHTENED
OF THE FRENCH RESISTANCE,

BUT MY WIFE
SCARES OUT OF ME THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS.

SHE IS SPENDING MY MONEY
LIKE WATER!

THIS IS BECAUSE,
AS YOU WILL KNOW

IF YOU HAVE BEEN
PAYING ATTENTION,



I HAVE BEEN SHOT DEAD
AND AM NOW POSING

AS THE TWIN BROTHER
OF HER LATE HUSBAND.

AND, DO YOU KNOW WHAT
MOST OF ALL MAKES ME WORRY?

I MAY HAVE TO MARRY HER AGAIN

TO GET MY FINGER
BACK IN MY OWN TILL.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT I AM DOING
WITH THESE FLOWERS?

I AM GOING
TO WOO HER AGAIN,

BECAUSE SUDDENLY
I HAVE COMPETITION.

APPARENTLY EVERY ABLE-BODIED MAN
IN THIS VILLAGE

WANTS TO GET HIS HANDS
ON MY RESTAURANT--

EVEN IF IT MEANS
MARRYING THE OLD BAT!

JUST LOOK!
LOOK AT HER!

HOW VALUABLE
THIS PROPERTY MUST BE.

MY GOD!
THIS IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY.



I MUST BE MONEY MAD.
HOW MUCH IS THERE IN THE TILL?

- ( clears throat loudly )
- ( register bell dings )

WELL, I SUPPOSE
IT IS WORTH IT.

HERE GOES--

UH, EDITH,

EDITH MY DEAR,
DROP THAT BROOM AND COME OVER HERE

A MOMENT,
WILL YOU, PLEASE?

I HAVE MUCH TO DO.
WE WILL BE OPEN SOON.

THIS IS MORE IMPORTANT.
COME HERE.

WELL?

I HAVE FOR YOU, THESE.

CAN NOT YOU PUT THEM
IN WATER BY YOURSELF?

NO, MY DEAREST,
THEY ARE FOR YOU.

WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN UP TO?

NOTHING, MY SWEET.

HAVE YOU BEEN NICKING
MORE OF MY MONEY OUT OF THE TILL?

NO, MY PET, NO.

THEY ARE FOR YOU,
BECAUSE I LOVE YOU.

YOU HAVE BEEN DRINKING.

I HAVE NEVER BEEN
MORE SOBER IN MY LIFE.

DO YOU NOT REMEMBER, EDITH?

I USED TO GIVE YOU FLOWERS
WHEN WE WERE COURTING.

OH RENE,
HOW WELL I REMEMBER.

YOU WERE SO ROMANTIC.

ALWAYS YOU WOULD GIVE THEM
TO ME ON YOUR KNEES.

DID I?

AND YOU WOULD SWEAR TO ME
OF YOUR UNDYING LOVE.

THAT IS WHAT
I AM DOING NOW, DEAR EDITH.

OH RENE,
KNEEL FOR ME ONCE MORE.

- WIDOW ARTOIS?
- YES.

I SAW YOU YESTERDAY
IN THE SQUARE.

MY COMPLIMENTS,
MY CARD.

"PIERRE LE GRAND,

STEEPLEJACK."

YOU ARE SO KIND,
BUT I'M AFRAID YOU ARE A LITTLE LATE.

SOMEONE IS ABOUT
TO PROPOSE TO ME.

- WHO?
- ME.

PERHAPS THERE IS STILL
A CHANCE FOR ME

IF YOU FANCY PEOPLE
THAT SIZE.

SHE DOES NOT
FANCY PEOPLE THAT SIZE.

BUT IT WAS MOST KIND
OF YOU TO OFFER.

IF YOU DON'T ASK,
YOU DON'T GET.

YOU SEE, YOU ARE ONLY
JUST IN TIME.

SO MANY SUITORS.

EDITH, LET US JUST DROP
THIS CHARADE.

LET US JUST ANNOUNCE WE ARE
GETTING MARRIED AGAIN,

THEN THINGS CAN BE
JUST AS THEY WERE BEFORE.

NO, I AM QUITE HAPPY.

SO MANY MEN,
SO MANY OFFERS.

I AM QUITE
ENJOYING MYSELF.

I HAVE PLAYED
THE FIELD BEFORE,

I WILL PLAY IT AGAIN.

BUT EDITH, THAT WAS
NOUVION RANGERS,

AND WE AGREED TO FORGET
ALL ABOUT THAT.

RENE,
THE REAR ROOM. QUICK.

NOT NOW, MARIA.

NO, IT IS MICHELLE,
FROM THE RESISTANCE.

WHAT DOES SHE WANT?

HOW DO I KNOW?

COME ON,
COME, FOLLOW ME.

MICHELLE? MICHELLE,
WHERE ARE YOU HIDING?

I AM HERE.

NOW LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY,
I SHALL SAY THIS ONLY ONCE.

I HAVE GOOD NEWS.

I HAVE COME HERE TO COLLECT
THE BRITISH AIRMEN.

I EXPECT YOU WILL BE
VERY GLAD TO GET RID OF THEM.

YOU CAN SAY
THAT AGAIN.

I DON'T SUPPOSE
SHE WILL.

FURTHER INSTRUCTIONS
WILL BE SENT TO YOU BY SECRET MESSENGER

DISGUISED AS
A SIMPLE FARMWORKER.

WHY DO I NEED FURTHER
INSTRUCTIONS?

I THOUGHT THIS WAS
THE END OF IT ALL.

YOU FORGET YOUR POSITION.

YOUR HUMBLE CAFE
IS THE HEADQUARTERS

OF THE ORGANIZATION
TO ASSIST ESCAPING AIRMEN,

TO HIDE EXPLOSIVES,

TO PASS MESSAGES,

AND TO ORGANIZE SABOTAGE.

IT IS ALL
HAPPENING HERE.

I HOPE YOU TELL PEOPLE
WHO WANT TO MARRY YOU

THE SORT OF TROUBLE
YOU CAN GET THEM INTO.

IT IS LIKE GETTING
INTO BED WITH A TIME BOMB.

I HAVE HINTED AT IT.

I EXPECT IT
PUT THEM OFF?

THEY CANNOT WAIT
TO LIGHT THE FUSE.

EDITH!

YVETTE!

MARIA!

DOES NOBODY HEAR
MY CRIES?

SHUT UP,
YOU SILLY OLD BAT!

DO YOU WANT TO WAKE UP
THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD?

GET THEM DOWN.

I AM WEAK.

I AM FEEBLE.

I WANT TO SEE
MY DAUGHTER MARRIED

BEFORE THE GOOD LORD

SENDS AN ANGEL
TO TAKE ME AWAY.

MY GOD! ALREADY
THEY HAVE COME FOR ME.

TWO OF THEM.

I MUST BE MORE IMPORTANT
THAN I THOUGHT.

WHY IS THAT ONE
CARRYING A CANDLE?

BECAUSE WHERE YOU ARE GOING,
IT WILL BE VERY DARK.

DO NOT FRIGHTEN
MY MOTHER LIKE THAT.

IT IS THE AIRMEN,
MOTHER.

WE HID THEM
WHILE YOU WERE ASLEEP.

( buzzing )

I AM GOING MAD.

I AM SEEING
FLASHING KNOBS.

HUH?

Michelle:
IT IS THE RADIO.

QUICK.

AH!
WHAT IS HAPPENING?

Male voice:
Hello, Nighthawk. Hello, Nighthawk.

'ALLO, 'ALLO,
THIS IS NIGHTHAWK.

RECEIVING YOU LOUD
AND NOT VERY CLEAR.

PASS YOUR MESSAGE,
OVER.

The flashing bedknobs
are not reliable.

THE FLASHING BEDKNOBS
ARE NOT RELIABLE.

GET THE CODE BOOK.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

It means we have been
trying to get you

for three days. Over.

MY WIFE'S MOTHER

DOES NOT UNDERSTAND
FLASHING KNOBS.

OVER.

Hold on while we try
to decode your message

to find out
what it means.

IT MEANS MY WIFE'S MOTHER
IS A SILLY OLD BAT

AND DOES NOT UNDERSTAND
FLASHING BEDKNOBS.

NOW PASS
YOUR MESSAGE, OVER.

The loved ones

will be carried away
in a chariot.

EVEN IN HEAVEN,

THEY KNOW ABOUT
MY BAD LEGS.

THIS MEANS THE PLANE
IS COMING TONIGHT

TO PICK UP
THE BRITISH AIRMEN.

I SAY, CHAPS,
THERE'S A PLANE COMING FOR YOU TONIGHT.

- OH, WHACKO.
- GET A MOVE ON. IT'S TOODLE PIP

- AND BACK TO
DEAR OLD BLIGHTY. - GOOD SHOW.

HERR FLICK.

WHAT BRINGS YOU HERE?

I AM AFRAID THE COLONEL
AND THE CAPTAIN ARE ABSENT.

I AM AWARE OF THIS.

I OBSERVED THEIR DEPARTURE

THROUGH MY
POWERFUL BINOCULARS.

MY BUSINESS IS WITH YOU,
AND IN PRIVATE.

YOU WISH ME
TO KISS YOU?

NOT ON DUTY,
THANK YOU!

ARE YOU SURE THERE
IS NOBODY ABOUT?

CERTAIN, HERR FLICK.

I HAVE SOMETHING
TO SHOW YOU.

THAT WAS TOO QUICK,
HERR FLICK.

I WILL DO IT
MORE SLOWLY.

WHAT DID YOU SEE?

UNUSUALLY LARGE
KNOCKWURST.

CORRECT.

THIS ONE--

CONTAINS THE REAL PAINTING
OF THE FALLEN MADONNA BY VAN CLOMP.

THIS ONE--

IS THE FORGERY.

THE OTHER FORGERY,

I HAD DESTROYED
IN A VERY HOT FURNACE.

THIS ONE,
THE FORGERY,

YOU WILL GIVE TO
THE COLONEL VON STROHM,

WHO WILL SEND IT
TO THE FUHRER IN BERLIN.

BUT WHAT IF THE FUHRER
DISCOVERS IT'S A FORGERY?

THEN HE WILL HAVE
THE COLONEL SHOT.

WHAT ABOUT
THE REAL ONE?

YOU WILL HIDE IT.

CERTAINLY, HERR FLICK.
BUT WHERE?

YOU WILL GIVE IT
TO THAT CAFE OWNER, RENE.

TELL HIM TO HANG IT
WITH THE OTHER SAUSAGES IN THE KITCHEN,

WITH INSTRUCTIONS THAT IT
BELONGS TO HERR FLICK OF THE GESTAPO,

AND NOBODY IS
TO HAVE A NIBBLE.

- WILL IT BE SAFE?
- PERFECTLY.

NOBODY WOULD DARE TO TOUCH
A GESTAPO SAUSAGE.

AND WHAT OF
THE THIRD SAUSAGE?

THIS IS OUR DINNER.

WE WILL CONSUME IT
TONIGHT

IN RENE'S BACK ROOM
BY CANDLELIGHT.

OH, HERR FLICK,
IT'LL BE SO ROMANTIC.

A CANDLELIT KNOCKWURST.

IT WILL BE
A HEADY EVENING.

HERR FLICK--

A THOUGHT HAS
JUST OCCURRED TO ME.

HOW WILL THE FRENCH
CAFE OWNER

KNOW WHICH IS YOUR
SPECIAL GESTAPO SAUSAGE

CONTAINING THE PAINTING
OF THE FALLEN MADONNA

WITH THE BIG BOOBIES
BY VAN CLOMP?

QUITE SIMPLE.

UPON MY
SPECIAL SAUSAGE

IS A LITTLE
SWASTIKA.

I SHOULD HAVE GUESSED.

YOU THINK OF EVERYTHING.

MAY I KISS YOU NOW?

NOT WHILE YOU ARE
HOLDING THE SAUSAGE.

AH, YVETTE,
THE AIRMEN--

HAVE THEY GONE?

- HALF AN HOUR AGO.
- GOOD.

MICHELLE SAID SHE WAS
PUTTING THEM IN A SAFE PLACE.

AND MY WIFE--
WHERE IS SHE?

SHE HAS GONE
TO PARADE HERSELF

AROUND
THE TOWN SQUARE AGAIN.

SHE HAS NOT BOUGHT
ANOTHER NEW HAT, HAS SHE?

NO.

RENE...

HAVE YOU TOLD YOUR WIFE
WE ARE GOING TO GET MARRIED?

NOT YET, YVETTE, NO.

THERE ARE COMPLICATIONS,
YOU SEE.

WHAT COMPLICATIONS?

IT IS JUST POSSIBLE

I MAY HAVE TO MARRY
EDITH AGAIN TO GET MY RESTAURANT BACK.

RENE, IF YOU DO,
I WILL--

- I WILL KILL MYSELF!
- YVETTE!

I WILL ONLY MARRY HER
FOR A SHORT TIME.

THEN I CAN
THROTTLE HER, OR--

PUSH HER OFF A CLIFF
OR SOMETHING.

WHY CAN'T YOU
PUSH HER OFF A CLIFF OR SOMETHING NOW?

WHERE WOULD I FIND A CLIFF
IN THE TOWN SQUARE?

BUT RENE, I LOVE YOU
SO MUCH--

AH, YOU HAVE GOT
DOUGH ON YOUR HANDS.

PUT ON THESE.

OH, RENE!

KISS ME.
KISS ME.

Maria:
RENE, WHERE ARE YOU?

IT IS MARIA.
QUICK, SHE MUST NOT CATCH US.

- WHY NOT?
- SHE MIGHT TELL MY WIFE.

BUT, SHE IS
MY BEST FRIEND.

ALL THE MORE REASON WHY
SHE MUST NOT CATCH US.

GET BACK TO YOUR BREAD.

RENE, LIEUTENANT GRUBER
IS WAITING IN THE BAR.

HE HAS A PRESENT
FOR YOU.

SINCE I HAVE BEEN
A SINGLE MAN,

HE ALWAYS HAS
A PRESENT FOR ME.

AH, MONSIEUR RENE.

I HAVE A LITTLE LUXURY
FOR YOU.

IT IS FROM GAY "PAREE."

WHERE ELSE?

IT IS A LOTION TO PUT ON
THE FACE AFTER SHAVING.

IT'S VERY POPULAR
WITH OFFICERS IN THE TANK CORPS.

I EXPECT IT MAKES
THE TANK SMELL BETTER.

YES, INDEED.

THERE IS NOTHING WORSE
THAN BEING SQUASHED UP

IN A HOT TIGER TANK
FULL OF SOLDIERS.

CAN YOU NOT
LEAVE THE LID OPEN?

WE DO, BUT YOU HAVE
TO BE CAREFUL.

OCCASIONALLY THE RESISTANCE
DROP HAND GRENADES IN.

WE EXECUTE DOZENS OF THEM,
BUT THEY TAKE NO NOTICE.

OOOF!

IT IS VERY STRONG.

IT'S BETTER
ON THE SKIN.

YES, LILY OF THE VALLEY--

WITH A HINT OF DIESEL.

MY APOLOGIES.

TUESDAY IS
MAINTENANCE DAY.

I DO NOT WANT
TO BE CRITICAL,

BUT YOUR LIPSTICK
IS CROOKED.

RENE, COME HERE.
WE WISH TO TALK TO YOU.

Rene:
OF COURSE.

YES?

SIT DOWN
AND PAY ATTENTION.

I UNDERSTAND THAT HELGA
HAS EXPLAINED TO YOU

ABOUT THE SAUSAGES.

WITH THE PAINTINGS
INSIDE.

SHUT UP, HANS.

IT IS CONFUSING ENOUGH
WITHOUT YOU JOINING IN.

YES, HELGA EXPLAINED.
NOW, THERE IS A REAL KNOCKWURST,

A FORGED KNOCKWURST,

AND A KNOCKWURST
FOR DINNER, YES?

- YOU'VE PUT IT
IN A NUTSHELL. - OR A SAUSAGE SKIN.

SHUT UP, HANS!

WE NOW HAVE
ALL THREE SAUSAGES.

THANK YOU, RENE.

NOW, AS I UNDERSTAND IT--

THIS IS THE ONE CONTAINING
THE REAL PAINTING

BECAUSE IT HAS ON IT
A LITTLE SWASTIKA,

AND NOW,
ONE OF THESE I COOK,

AND THE OTHER ONE CONTAINS
THE FORGED PAINTING,

WHICH YOU ARE GOING
TO SEND TO HITLER. CORRECT?

VERY NEARLY, YES.

HELGA HAS FOR US
A MOST INGENIOUS PLAN.

WHICH IS WHY WE HAVE
HAD TO ROW HER IN ON THE ACTION.

MY PLAN IS
AS FOLLOWS:

THIS SAUSAGE YOU WILL COOK
FOR 22 AND A HALF MINUTES PRECISELY,

OTHERWISE YOU WILL
RUIN IT.

THIS SAUSAGE, CONTAINING
THE REAL PAINTING,

YOU WILL HIDE
IN YOUR CELLAR.

UPON THIS SAUSAGE,

CONTAINING THE FORGERY,

WE WILL PLACE
A LITTLE SWASTIKA

AND YOU WILL HANG
THIS SAUSAGE IN YOUR KITCHEN,

IN ACCORDANCE WITH
HERR FLICK'S INSTRUCTIONS.

WHAT ARE YOU GOING
TO SEND TO HITLER?

THAT IS THE CLEVER BIT.

WE ARE GOING TO SEND
TO HITLER

A FORGED KNOCKWURST.

HANS, IT IS NOT
A FORGED KNOCKWURST,

IT IS A NORMAL
KNOCKWURST.

IT'S A NORMAL
KNOCKWURST.

AND WHAT IS HITLER
GOING TO SAY

WHEN HE GETS A NORMAL
KNOCKWURST?

IT WILL
NEVER ARRIVE.

SOMEBODY WILL TELL
THE RESISTANCE

THAT THERE ARE VALUABLE
SECRET MILITARY SUPPLIES ON THE TRAIN,

AND THE RESISTANCE
WILL BLOW IT UP.

HA! WHO IS GOING
TO TELL THE RESISTANCE

A SILLY STORY LIKE THAT?

THE MAN WHO IS
HIDING IN HIS CELLAR

A STOLEN GESTAPO
SAUSAGE.

YOU CANNOT EXPECT ME
TO GO ABOUT TELLING--

DON'T ARGUE WITH ME,
OR I WILL HAVE YOU SHOT.

BUT YOU CANNOT HAVE ME SHOT.
I HAVE NOT DONE ANYTHING--

WE ARE WINNING
THE WAR,

I AM
A GERMAN OFFICER,

AND I CAN SHOOT
ANYONE I LIKE!

NOW, HELGA,

THE STAMP.

EXCELLENT.

NOW, YOU WILL TAKE
THIS ONE

AND HANG IT
IN THE KITCHEN,

AND YOU WILL
TELL THEM

TO COOK THAT ONE.

FOR 22 AND A HALF
MINUTES.

YES, COLONEL.

RENE, YOU WILL HIDE
THIS IN YOUR CELLAR.

- OH, BUT COLONEL--
- Gruber: MAY I JOIN YOU?

IT'S VERY LONELY JUST
TALKING TO FRENCH GIRLS.

BY ALL MEANS,
LIEUTENANT GRUBER.

I NOTICE THERE IS
A SPARE SEAT HERE NEXT TO RENE.

- IT IS TAKEN.
- WE HAVE FINISHED OUR BUSINESS, HAVE WE NOT?

- HERR FLICK.
- HERR FLICK OF THE GESTAPO?

WHO ELSE?

GOOD EVENING, COLONEL.

HEIL HITLER.

HEIL HITLER.

KLOP.

HAVE OUR LITTLE
FOODSTUFFS

BEEN ASSIGNED TO THEIR
CORRECT DESTINATIONS?

YES, HERR FLICK.

AND THE LITTLE GIFT
FOR THE FUHRER?

THAT IS AT THE PARCELS
OFFICE AT THE STATION

AND WILL LEAVE
TOMORROW NIGHT FOR BERLIN.

GOOD.

WE HAVE CAUSE
FOR CELEBRATION.

THE GESTAPO WILL
BUY YOU WINE.

A RARE OCCASION,
HERR FLICK.

IT WILL BE ON THE GESTAPO
ENTERTAINMENT ALLOWANCE.

EVEN RARER.

SIT!

ENJOY YOURSELF.

HANS, WHEN HERR FLICK
COMES BACK

HE WILL SIT
IN THAT CHAIR NEXT TO ME.

HE MUST NOT OBSERVE
THE SAUSAGE.

TAKE IT.

BUT--

OOH!

( groans )

IT IS COLD AND CLAMMY.

HE IS COMING.

BUT SUPPOSE HE
SEES ME WITH IT?

PUSH IT DOWN
THE TABLE.

- RENE!
- YES?

PASS THIS
TO LIEUTENANT GRUBER.

TELL HIM NOT
TO SAY A WORD.

LIEUTENANT GRUBER?

DO NOT SAY A WORD.

I BEG YOUR PARDON?

DO NOT SAY A WORD.

WE MUST KEEP THIS
A SECRET FROM THE GESTAPO.

YOU CAN TRUST ME.

HELP YOURSELVES.

AS FIELD MARSHALL
GOERING WOULD HAVE SAID,

"BOTTOMS UP."

BOTTOMS--

LIEUTENANT GRUBER,

YOU ARE NOT JOINING
OUR TOAST?

OH, I AM SORRY.

I WAS MILES AWAY.

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN
UNTIL THIS TIME?

RENE, AM I LATE?

OH, HOW THE TIME
HAS FLOWN.

MY WORLD HAS TAKEN ON
A NEW MAGIC.

THE FLOWERS ARE BRIGHTER,

THE GRASS IS GREENER,

I FEEL I MUST SING A SONG
OF LOVE AND HOPE AND CHEER.

TAKE OFF YOUR HAT
AND GO AND DO THE WASHING UP.

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

PATRON, I AM
A SIMPLE FARMHAND.

I GAVE MADAME A LIFT
ON MY TRACTOR.

I HAVE FOR YOU

A MESSAGE.

( coughs )
COME TO THE BAR.

MAYBE FOR
A SIMPLE FARMHAND,

YOU HAVE PERHAPS
A COGNAC?

IF YOU ARE
A SIMPLE FARMHAND,

YOU HAVE
SIMPLE TASTES.

YOU CAN HAVE A BEER.

IT IS I,

LECLERC.

WELL, WELL.

DISGUISED AS
AN IDIOT.

YOU KNOW,
YOU HAD ME COMPLETELY F--

WHAT IS THAT
TERRIBLE SMELL?

I HAVE BEEN
SPREADING THE MUCK.

MICHELLE MADE HIM
DO IT AS PART OF HIS COVER.

IT IS PRACTICALLY
ALL OF HIS COVER.

ACHOO!

ACHOO!

THE MESSAGE.

THE CHARIOT WILL
PICK UP THE LOVERS

TONIGHT AT 2:00.

YOU WILL BE AT THE COWSHED
OF FARMER CLAUDE AT 1:00.

REMEMBER...

TO BRING
A HURRICANE LAMP.

GET BACK
TO YOUR DUNG HEAP

AND TELL MICHELLE
I AM STAYING HERE.

WHAT IS THE MATTER
WITH YOU?

YOU HAVE THE GUTS
OF A SPARROW.

HOW COULD I,
THE WIDOW ARTOIS,

MARRY SUCH A COWARD

WHEN MY HUSBAND
DIED FOR FRANCE?

EDITH, I THINK YOU
ARE GETTING CONFUSED.

IT WAS I
WHO DIED FOR FRANCE.

I DO NOT MEAN TO DIE
FOR FRANCE TWICE.

NOT IN THE SAME YEAR.

TELL MICHELLE
HE WILL BE THERE.

I GO.

YOU ARE NOT CONSUMING
YOUR SAUSAGE VERY QUICKLY.

I'VE NEVER HAD SUCH
A BIG ONE BEFORE.

I STICK MINE
IN THE PICKLE.

IT REVITALIZES IT.

YOU WERE
TELLING ME ABOUT THE INTERROGATION

YOU CARRIED OUT
LAST WEEK.

I HAVE TALKED ENOUGH SHOP
FOR ONE NIGHT.

I THINK I'VE ALSO
EATEN ENOUGH KNOCKWURST.

THEN RENE WILL
BRING YOU A DOGGIE BAG.

BUT I DO NOT
HAVE A DOGGIE.

THEN WE WILL THROW IT
OUT OF MY STAFF CAR

AND LET THE FRENCH PEASANTS
FIGHT OVER IT.

WHAT FUN.

THEY ARE FINISHED.

QUICK, YVETTE,
GET IN WITH THE BILL.

( knocks )

YOUR BILL,
HERR FLICK.

I WILL SETTLE IT
AT MY GESTAPO HEADQUARTERS.

YES, HERR FLICK.

BRING IT TO ME
YOURSELF.

ALONE.

YES, HERR FLICK.

THEY NEVER DO,
OF COURSE.

ARE YOU READY?

AT YOUR COMMAND,
HERR FLICK.

THEN WE WILL
GO HOME.

YOUR PLACE,
OR MINE?

YOU WILL GO TO YOUR PLACE,
I WILL GO TO MINE.

THANK YOU,
HERR FLICK.

GOOD NIGHT,
HERR FLICK.

GOOD NIGHT.

- GOOD NIGHT.
- GOOD NIGHT.

THE GIRLS LOOK
VERY CUTE

IN THE UNIFORM
OF FRENCH MAIDS.

THANK YOU, HERR FLICK.

THEY ARE VERY POPULAR.

SHOULD YOU EVER
REQUIRE THEIR SERVICES--

THANK YOU.
I DO MY OWN DUSTING.

HEIL HITLER.

Everyone:
HEIL HITLER.

NOT FORGETTING HIMMLER.

- Edith: AND GOEBBELS!
- AND GOEBBELS.

Edith:
QUICK. LOCK UP.

WE WILL LEAVE
BY THE SIDE DOOR.

IT IS ALL CLEAR.

FOLLOW ME.

- GIVE THE SIGNAL.
- WHAT SIGNAL?

TWO HOOTS--
OF THE OWL.

EDITH, I AM
A CAFE OWNER.

I DO NOT DO
IMPERSONATIONS.

OH VERY WELL.

I WILL DO IT.

TWIT-TWOO,
TWIT-TWOO.

WHAT SORT OF
AN OWL WAS THAT?

APPARENTLY ONE
THAT IS UNAPPRECIATED BY THE BIRD UP THERE.

A CRITIC PERHAPS.

( Michelle hoots )

- DON'T MOVE.
- ( gasps )

I HAVE FOUR BASKETS
WITH ME.

IT IS HARD TO GET
GOOD HELP THESE DAYS.

WALK THIS WAY.

HAND THEM OUT.

- Rene: WHAT ARE THESE FOR?
- THESE ARE YOUR COVERS.

All: OH.

NO, YOUR COVER IS
TO BE MUSHROOM PICKERS.

IF YOU ARE STOPPED,
YOU ARE ON YOUR WAY TO THE FIELDS

- TO PICK MUSHROOMS
FOR THE RESTAURANT. - AH!

THIS IS A GOOD COVER.

THE BEST ONES
POP UP AT NIGHT.

GIVE THEM THE GUNS.

THEY ARE LOADED,

BUT THEY ARE
NOT COCKED.

WHY DO WE
NEED GUNS?

MUSHROOMS DO NOT
FIGHT BACK.

IF THE GERMANS FIND YOU
HELPING BRITISH AIRMEN TO ESCAPE,

YOU WILL HAVE TO SHOOT
YOUR WAY OUT.

- WHERE ARE THE AIRMEN?
- THEY ARE SAFELY HIDDEN.

FOLLOW ME.

HENRIETTE.

THANK YOU FOR LETTING ME
SEE YOU HOME, HERR FLICK.

- ( thunderclap )
- JUST IN TIME.

THE RAIN IS ABOUT
TO COMMENCE.

MY HAIR WILL
GET WET.

STEP FORWARD
UNDER THE BRIM

OF MY WIDE
GESTAPO HAT.

WHILE I AM HERE,
SHALL I KISS YOU?

WELL, ALL RIGHT.

JUST A QUICK
CANOODLE.

( thunderclap )

I FIND KISSING YOU
WHILE THE ELEMENTS ARE ACTIVE...

VERY EXCITING.

OF COURSE.

OH, WE ARE GOING
TO GET WET.

SISSY.

FOLLOW ME.
INSIDE.

( cow moos )

WHAT ARE YOU
DOING HERE?

IT IS I, LECLERC.

I AM DISGUISED
AS A SIMPLE MILKING MAID.

YOU LOOKED THE SAME
WHEN YOU WERE A SIMPLE FARMHAND.

IT IS THE WAR, MONSIEUR.

WE ARE VERY
SHORT OF STAFF.

WHERE ARE
THE AIRMEN?

I SHALL TAKE YOU
TO THEM.

THIS IS NADIA.

THIS, CLAUDETTE.

HERE IS SOPHIA.

BRIGITTE.

AND THIS--

FLIGHT LIEUTENANT
FAIRFAX.

HELLO!

OH, GOD.

WHAT IS HE DOING HERE?

HE IS WAITING
TO BE MILKED.

WHERE IS CARSTAIRS?

I'M IN CHARGE
OF THE CANTEEN,

THIS END.

THE UDDER SEEMS
A BIT SMALL.

SO THAT IS WHAT HAPPENED
TO MY WASHING UP GLOVES.

IF YOU DON'T MIND
MY ASKING,

WHAT ARE WE ALL
DOING HERE?

THE PLANE IS DUE
IN 10 MINUTES.

IT WILL LAND
THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WOODS,

ACROSS THE ROAD.

THE ROAD IS CONTROLLED
BY THE GERMANS.

SHOULD WE
ENCOUNTER THEM,

THEY WILL NOT SUSPECT
SIX MUSHROOM PICKERS AND A HERD OF COWS.

ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME
THE GERMANS WILL NOT SUSPECT THAT COW?

NOT WHEN HE IS MIXED
AMONGST THE OTHERS.

MONSIEUR LECLERC,
IT IS TIME.

YOU AND THE FARMER
MUST LEAD OUT THE COWS.

IMMEDIATELY.

( cows mooing )

Carstairs:
WHAT'S GOING ON?

Fairfax:
IT'S JOLLY HARD TO SEE.

Carstairs:
USE YOUR NOSE.

WHAT DO WE DO NOW?

WE GO TO THE FIELDS
TO PICK MUSHROOMS.

WHICH WAY
IS THE FIELD?

FOLLOW THE COWS.

LOOK, EDITH.

I HAVE ALREADY
FOUND A MUSHROOM.

THAT IS
A TOADSTOOL.

I SAY, FAIRFAX?

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

I'VE JUST TRODDEN
IN SOMETHING.

WELL, IT'S NOTHING
TO DO WITH ME.

( theme music playing )