'Allo 'Allo (1982–1992): Season 2, Episode 1 - Six Big Boobies - full transcript

( theme music playing )

WELCOME TO MY CAFE.

I AM HAPPY TO TELL YOU THAT
LIFE HERE IS BACK TO NORMAL.

- ( bang )
- THE TWO ENGLISH AIRMEN WHO WERE HIDING HERE,

HAVE BEEN TAKEN AWAY
BY THE RESISTANCE

AND ARE BEING HIDDEN
IN A NEARBY NUNNERY.

THE PAINTING
OF THE FALLEN MADONNA

WITH THE BIG BOOBIES
BY VAN CLOMP,

WHICH I WAS HIDING
IN MY CELLAR,

IS NOW IN POSSESSION
OF HERR FLICK OF THE GESTAPO.

( bang )



I HAVE BEEN SHOT DEAD,

AND I AM NOW POSING
AS MY OWN TWIN BROTHER.

OF COURSE NOBODY KNOWS THIS,

EXCEPT MY WIFE, THE SERVANTS
AND MY WIFE'S MOTHER;

- AND THE GERMAN COMMANDANT
AND HIS ASSISTANT; - ( bang )

AND HIS SECRETARY AND MOST
OF THE FRENCH RESISTANCE;

BUT THAT IS ALL.

NOW, THE BANGING
THAT YOU CAN HEAR

IS MY DEMENTED WIDOW,

WHO IS IN THE BACK ROOM
LOOKING FOR MY WILL,

WHICH LEAVES EVERYTHING
THAT I POSSESS TO HER.

I AM NOT WORRIED.
SHE CAN BANG ALL DAY.

THE WILL IS SAFELY HIDDEN
IN A SECRET COMPARTMENT

BEHIND THE CUCKOO CLOCK
WHERE SHE WILL NEVER FIND IT.



GOOD MORNING, RENE.

GOOD MORNING, LIEUTENANT.

THIS IS THE MAN THAT SHOT ME.

HE FANCIES ME LIKE MAD.

PERHAPS IT IS THE APRON?

YOUR CHEEKS ARE A VERY GOOD
FRESH COLOR TODAY.

AND YOU HAVE AN IMPISH LOOK
IN YOUR EYE--

( cuckoo clock goes off )

WHICH HAS SUDDENLY DISAPPEARED.
HOW ABOUT A DRINK?

WHAT A GOOD IDEA.

OPEN THIS DOOR!
EDITH, OPEN THE DOOR!

I HAVE FOUND IT!

I HAVE FOUND IT!

SHUT UP!

I HAVE FOUND THE WILL
OF MY LATE HUSBAND.

THERE IS NO NEED
TO MAKE SUCH A SONG AND DANCE ABOUT IT.

GIVE IT TO ME, EDITH.
AFTER ALL, I AM THE EXECUTOR.

IT IS NOT
ADDRESSED TO YOU.

NO, BUT IT WOULD
GO WITHOUT SAYING

THAT RENE WOULD
WANT HIS BROTHER

AS AN EXECUTOR.

IT HAS GONE
WITHOUT SAYING.

GATHER ROUND,
EVERYONE,

WHILE I READ TO YOU
THE LAST WILL AND TESTAMENT

OF MY DEAR
DEPARTED HUSBAND--

WHO WAS SHOT
BY THE GERMANS.

ORDERS, YOU KNOW?

LISTEN, HE LEAVE
EVERYTHING TO ME.

"I, RENE ARTOIS,
BEING OF SOUND MIND--"

I WOULD DISPUTE THAT
FOR A START.

"--DO HEREBY LEAVE

ALL OF WHICH
I STAND POSSESSED

TO MY DEAR
AND FAITHFUL WIFE,

WHO HAS COMFORTED ME
AND FILLED ME WITH JOY

DURING THE HAPPY DAYS
OF MY MARRIAGE."

I WROTE THAT
ON THE HONEYMOON.

WHAT A BEAUTIFUL PHRASE.

- LOOK, THERE IS SOMETHING
WRITTEN ON THE BACK. - AH, NO--

"P.S., TO YVETTE..."

I CAN HARDLY READ IT.

IT IS AS IF
HIS HAND WAS SHAKING.

"TO YVETTE, WHO HAS
SERVED SO DEVOTEDLY UNDER ME...

I LEAVE THE COLLAPSIBLE SOFA
IN THE PARLOR."

THAT SOFA IS NOT COLLAPSIBLE.

IT IS, UNLESS YOU
PUT A BOOK UNDER IT.

"P.P.S., TO MARIA,

I LEAVE THE SMALL
BILLIARD TABLE

WHICH HAS GIVEN US BOTH
SO MANY MOMENTS OF PLEASURE."

- ( giggles )
- I NEVER SAW YOU PLAYING IN THERE!

ALWAYS RENE WOULD
MAKE ME SHUT THE DOOR,

AND PUT A CHAIR
UNDER THE KNOB.

WHAT WERE YOU DOING THAT YOU
DID NOT WANT TO BE INTERRUPTED?

WHY ASK ME,
I AM DEAD, REMEMBER?

ANYWAY, HE HAS DONE
THE RIGHT THING BY ME.

EVERYTHING IS NOW MINE,

TO HAVE AND TO HOLD,
TILL DEATH DO ME PART.

HE WAS A GOOD MAN.

THERE WAS SOMETHING...
SOFT AND SENSITIVE ABOUT HIM.

ALTHOUGH, LIKE YOU, HE COULD
BE A LITTLE DISTANT AT TIMES.

WE ARE A CAUTIOUS
FAMILY.

WE WILL DRINK
TO HIS MEMORY.

DO NOT POUR TOO MUCH,
THAT IS MY BEST COGNAC!

HIS BEST COGNAC.

AND NOW, IT IS
MY BEST COGNAC.

TO HIS MEMORY.

Everyone:
TO RENE.

OHHH.

IT IS OVER.
IT IS DONE.

- ( register rings )
- WHAT ARE YOU UP TO NOW?

I AM GOING TO BUY
MYSELF A NEW HAT.

WHY DO YOU WANT
A NEW HAT?

YOU MUST REMEMBER
I AM A RICH WIDOW,

IN THE PRIME
OF MY LIFE.

THIS EVENING MAMMA
WILL PROMENADE ME IN THE SQUARE.

SOME HANDSOME MAN
WILL GAZE UPON ME IN MY NEW HAT.

"WHO IS THAT?"
HE WILL ASK.

"IT IS THE RICH
WIDOW ARTOIS," THEY WILL REPLY.

"OH, HOW YOUNG
AND SLENDER SHE LOOKS,

I MUST PAY MY RESPECTS
TO HER," HE WILL SAY.

AND MAYBE TOMORROW MORNING
HE WILL BE AT MY DOOR,

BEARING A BEAUTIFUL
BOUQUET

OF SWEET
SMELLING ROSES.

PROVIDED HIS GUIDE DOG
CAN FIND THE HOUSE.

LIEUTENANT GRUBER.

- COLONEL.
- IS THAT YOUR ARMORED CAR OUTSIDE?

- DOES IT HAVE A LITTLE DENT
IN THE WING? - IT DOES.

- THEN YES, IT IS MINE.
- THEN PLEASE MOVE IT. YOU'RE IN MY PARKING PLACE.

THE COLONEL LIKES
TO PARK UNDER THE TREE.

OTHERWISE HIS SEAT
GETS VERY HOT.

MY APOLOGIES,
COLONEL.

HANS, WHY ARE YOU
SITTING DOWN?

BECAUSE MY LEGS
ARE RATHER TIRED.

HANS, I AM A COLONEL,
YOU ARE A CAPTAIN.

YOU DO NOT SIT DOWN
BEFORE I SIT DOWN.

YOU DO NOT STAND UP
BEFORE I STAND UP.

A COLONEL DOES
EVERYTHING FIRST.

I-- I'M SORRY, COLONEL.

WELL THEN,
BE MORE CAREFUL!

YOU ARE GETTING
VERY SLACK!

NOW, GENTLEMEN, WHAT CAN
I GET YOU TO DRINK?

THE COLONEL

WILL BE ORDERING.

TWO COGNACS.

- Rene: MARIA, TWO COGNACS.
- ON CAPTAIN GEERING'S ACCOUNT.

RENE, WE HAVE ONE OR TWO
DELICATE MATTERS TO ATTEND TO.

MARIA AND YVETTE
ARE AT YOUR DISPOSAL, COLONEL,

BUT... COULD YOU
BOOK EARLY?

BECAUSE FRIDAY
IS A VERY BUSY DAY.

THAT IS NOT WHAT
I WANT TO TALK ABOUT.

BUT MAKE A NOTE OF IT,
WE'LL COME BACK TO IT LATER.

NOW, I AM COMMANDANT
OF THIS TOWN.

I CANNOT CONTINUE
TO TURN A BLIND EYE

TO YOUR HIDING
BRITISH AIRMEN IN YOUR CAFE.

BUT, COLONEL,
YOU ARE TURNING A BLIND EYE

BECAUSE I WAS HIDING
YOUR STOLEN PAINTING

OF THE FALLEN MADONNA
WITH THE BIG BOOBIES IN MY CELLAR.

NOT ANY MORE.

THAT PAINTING IS NOW
IN THE HANDS OF HERR FLICK.

OF THE GESTAPO.

TOGETHER
WITH TWO FORGERIES.

SO YOU NO LONGER
HAVE A HOLD OVER ME, RENE.

IF I WANT TO SHOOT YOU,
I ONLY HAVE TO SAY THE WORD.

FIRE.

DO NOT WORRY, COLONEL.

THE BRITISH AIRMEN
ARE GONE, FOR GOOD.

EXCELLENT.

THEN IF YOU WILL
TELL ME THE NAMES OF THE RESISTANCE LEADERS.

I WILL SEE THAT
YOU ARE PROTECTED.

PROTECTED?!
AGAINST WHO?

ME!

BUT COLONEL,
I DO NOT KNOW THEIR NAMES.

THEY ARE MOSTLY GIRLS.

THEY WEAR MACKINTOSHES AND...

AND LITTLE SHORT WHITE SOCKS,

AND BERETS LIKE
ANY OTHER FRENCH GIRLS.

AND THEY ONLY
REVEAL THEMSELVES AT NIGHT.

LIKE ANY OTHER
FRENCH GIRLS.

I WISH I COULD
GET MY HANDS ON THEM.

WE BOTH DO.

IF YOU DO NOT COOPERATE,
I WILL HAVE YOU SHOT!

OH, COLONEL,
YOU WOULDN'T?!

HE WOULD!
HE DID IT BEFORE.

COLONEL, I DO NOT WISH YOU
TO THINK BADLY OF ME,

BUT, I DID TAKE THE PRECAUTION
OF WRITING A LETTER

WHICH TELLS HOW YOU
HELPED THE RESISTANCE

TO BLOW UP
THE RAILWAY LINE;

HOW YOU STOLE THAT PAINTING
IN THE FIRST PLACE.

NOW, THE LETTER IS SIGNED,
BY THE WHOLE VILLAGE,

AND THE MOMENT I AM ARRESTED,
IT IS TO BE PLACED

INTO THE HANDS OF HERR FLICK
OF THE GESTAPO.

HERR FLICK OF THE GESTAPO!
YOU WOULDN'T?!

HE WOULD.

I THINK IT IS CHECKMATE,
HERR COLONEL.

RENE...

YOU ARE SMARTER
THAN I THOUGHT.

THANK YOU, COLONEL.

IF I MAY SUGGEST,

WE JUST WIPE
THE SLATE CLEAN.

YOU HAVE NO PAINTING,
I HAVE NO AIRMEN,

BUT ON THE OTHER HAND,
I DO HAVE THE GIRLS.

WHICH BRINGS US BACK
TO POINT ONE.

SHALL WE SAY 9:00?

AGREED.

WAIT--

WITH THE WET CELERY

AND THE FLYING HELMET.

AND...

A GREAT BIG STEAMING PLATE
OF SPAGHETTI BOLOGNESE

AND THREE FEET
OF ELASTIC.

HANS, JUST BETWEEN
THE TWO OF US,

- WHAT EXACTLY HAVE
YOU GOT IN MIND? - WELL, I-- I--

I THOUGHT I WOULD
HAVE A QUICK SNACK,

WHILE MARIA REPAIRS
MY LONG WINTER UNDERWEAR.

( knocks on door )

- YOU SENT FOR ME, HERR FLICK?
- YOU ARE LATE.

GO INTO THE INNER CHAMBER.

STOP!

TAKE OUT YOUR
HANDKERCHIEF.

WIPE YOUR LIPS.

REPLACE
THE HANDKERCHIEF.

TURN AROUND.

YOU MAY KISS ME.

SIX OUT OF 10.

I KNOCKED OFF FOUR
FOR THE GARLIC.

MAY I SIT DOWN?

NO, REMAIN STANDING.

I HAVE A PROBLEM.

DARE I ASK WHAT IT IS?

YES.

I HAVE THREE
FALLEN MADONNAS

WITH SIX BIG BOOBIES.

WHAT IS THE PROBLEM?

ONLY ONE OF THEM IS REAL.

ONLY ONE BIG BOOBIE?

ONE PAINTING.

ONE IS A FORGERY
COMMISSIONED BY MYSELF;

ONE ARRIVED MYSTERIOUSLY
AT MY HEADQUARTERS;

ONE IS GENUINE.

I HID THEM ALL, ROLLED UP
IN MY HIGH GESTAPO BOOTS.

A PEASANT TIDIED THE ROOM
AND MIXED THEM ALL UP.

NOW I DO NOT KNOW
WHICH IS WHICH.

WHY DO YOU NOT SEND
FOR THE MAN WHO FORGED THEM?

HE WILL BE ABLE TO IDENTIFY
THE REAL ONE.

THAT IS A VERY
GOOD IDEA.

UNFORTUNATELY,
HE IS NOT AVAILABLE.

WHY NOT?

HE FELL OUT
OF A GESTAPO CAR,

OVER A BRIDGE
ONTO A RAILWAY LINE,

AND WAS RUN OVER
BY THE BERLIN EXPRESS.

IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.

OF COURSE, HERR FLICK.

THE REAL PAINTING
I WISH TO RETAIN

TO SELL AFTER THE WAR,

TO PROVIDE FOR US
WHEN WE ARE MARRIED.

HERR FLICK,

I THINK I SHOULD TELL YOU THAT
I HAVE A FRIEND IN THE ARMY

WITH WHOM I HAVE BEEN
CORRESPONDING IN AN EARNEST...

AND MEANINGFUL MANNER.

GIVE ME HIS NAME,

RANK AND NUMBER,

AND HE WILL NOT
BE A PROBLEM.

ON SECOND THOUGHTS...

HE DOES NOT HAVE
YOUR FORCEFUL,

COMMANDING,

DOMINATING AND RUTHLESS
PERSONALITY,

WHICH DRAWS ME TO YOU

LIKE A BEE
TO A POT OF JAM.

I WILL PUT THE KETTLE ON.

YOU WILL FIND FOR ME
A MAN WITH KNOWLEDGE OF PAINTING,

WHO WILL DECIDE
BEYOND ALL DOUBT

WHICH IS
THE REAL VAN CLOMP.

YES, HERR FLICK.

MARIA, YOU SHOULD
NOT DO THAT

UNLESS I AM HERE
TO HOLD YOU.

YOU COULD SO EASILY FALL.

I ALREADY HAVE.

RENE, I MUST
TALK TO YOU.

I AM LISTENING
WITH ONE EAR.

WE MAY BE
OBSERVED.

WE MUST MEET
IN PRIVATE.

LET US RENDEZVOUS

IN THE BROOM CLOSET
UNDER THE STAIRS.

YOU ARE MAKING THE CURL
COME OUT OF MY HAIR.

OH, RENE!

YES, ALL RIGHT,
I AGREE, IN 10 MINUTES.

GO NOW, YOUR WIFE
IS COMING DOWNSTAIRS.

WELL, WHAT
DO YOU THINK?

WHY ARE YOU WEARING
ON YOUR HEAD A DEAD HEN?

AND WHY ARE YOU
TAKING MORE MONEY?

I HAVE TO BUY
REFRESHMENTS

FOR MAMMA AND
MONSIEUR LECLERC.

AND WHO KNOWS,
MAYBE MY SUITOR.

IF YOU GO ON LIKE THIS,
YOU WILL SOON BE A POOR WIDOW.

MADAME, I HAVE PLACED
THE BATH CHAIR OF YOUR MOTHER

OUTSIDE THE CAFE DOOR.

WHY ARE YOU ALL DRESSED UP
LIKE THE DINNER OF A DOG?

I, LECLERC,
AM TO BE THE PUSHER.

IT IS GOING TO BE LIKE
A CIRCUS OUT THERE.

WE'RE GOING TO BE
THE LAUGHINGSTOCK OF THE WHOLE VILLAGE.

FANNY, MY LOVE,
ARE YOU READY?

- ( Mamma groans )
- COME ALONG.

WILL NOBODY COME
TO MY ASSISTANCE?

THE TEETH HAVE
DROPPED OUT OF MY FOX.

IF YOU WANT
TO LOOK REALLY SMART,

YOU COULD GIVE IT
YOUR SPARE SET.

COME, AH, FANNY,

HOW THE YEARS HAVE
FALLEN AWAY.

HOW EVERYTHING
HAS FALLEN AWAY.

- DEAR ROGER.
- NOW, FANNY.

I REMEMBER
HOW DAPPER

AND JAUNTY
YOU WERE.

AH, YES.
I REMEMBER.

WHAT A PITY
YOU ARE SO DECREPIT NOW.

AH, YES.

BUT I CAN STILL
TWIRL MY CANE.

A LOT OF GOOD
THAT IS GOING TO DO US.

MAMMA,

YOU HAVE NOT MENTIONED
MY NEW HAT.

IT LOOKS LIKE
A DEAD HEN.

READY?

RICH WIDOW!

GET YOUR
RICH WIDOW HERE!

MONSIEUR LECLERC?

I THINK WE SHOULD BE
A LITTLE MORE SUBTLE THAN THAT.

AH.

FAIRLY RICH WIDOW!

GET YOUR FAIRLY
RICH WIDOW HERE.

MARIA.

RENE,
SHUT THE DOOR.

RENE, MY LOVE.

AGH, ARGH.

AARGHH!

- RENE?
- HMM?

WHY ARE YOU SO FORMAL
AND WITHDRAWN?

I AM IMPALED
UPON THE HANDLE OF THE HOOVER.

RENE?

OOH, THAT IS BETTER.

WHAT?

NOW THAT YOU'RE
NO LONGER MARRIED TO EDITH,

WILL YOU MAKE GOOD
YOUR PROMISE TO ME?

WELL, IT IS NOT
GOING TO BE EASY IN THE BROOM CUPBOARD.

YOUR PROMISE
TO MARRY ME.

OH! OH, THAT PROMISE.

WELL, IT IS A LITTLE BIT
DIFFICULT, YOU SEE,

I HAVE LEFT ALL MY MONEY
TO MY WIFE.

I CAN GET MONEY
FOR US.

MEN PAY ME
FOR MY FAVORS.

BUT MARIA, YOU KNOW
I HATE QUEUING.

MARIA, YOU MUST BE PATIENT

FOR A LITTLE WHILE LONGER.

- RENE?
- HUH?

PROMISE ME
THAT NO OTHER GIRL WILL TAKE MY PLACE.

WITH SUCH DEEP STAIRS,
HOW COULD THEY?

YVETTE.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

SOMEBODY HAS
REMOVED THE BOOK

FROM UNDER THE SOFA
IN THE PARLOR.

WHAT?

OH, FRANK HARRIS,

YES, JUST ABOUT
THE RIGHT SIZE.

- RENE...
- WHAT?

NOW THAT YOU ARE FREE,

WHEN ARE WE GOING
TO ANNOUNCE OUR ENGAGEMENT?

DEAR SWEET YVETTE,
WE MUST NOT BE TOO HASTY.

I HAVE TO FIND A WAY
OF GETTING MY HANDS BACK ON MY MONEY.

YOU COULD POISON
YOUR WIFE.

NO, WITH HER COOKING
SHE HAS BECOME IMMUNE.

NO, WE WILL HAVE
TO FIND ANOTHER WAY.

MEANWHILE WE HAVE
TO LIE LOW.

AH, ON THE SOFA?

NOT AS LOW AS THAT.

- OH, RENE...
- HUH?

PROMISE ME THAT NOTHING
WILL EVER COME BETWEEN US.

I AM DOING MY BEST.

- OOOH, RENE.
- OHHH, YVETTE.

CAN YOU FEEL
MY LITTLE HEART

POUNDING AND POUNDING?

( knocks on window )

I CAN HEAR IT.

- Michelle: RENE?
- ( groans )

IS THE COAST CLEAR?

WE ARE 50 MILES
FROM THE COAST. HOW WOULD I KNOW?

SOMETHING VERY IMPORTANT
HAS JUST COME UP.

HOW LONG HAVE YOU
BEEN OUT THERE?

THE TWO AIRMEN
HAVE LEFT THE NUNNERY.

GOOD! NOW, PERHAPS
YVETTE AND I

CAN CONTINUE TO DISCUSS
THE MENU FOR TONIGHT.

THEY LEFT BECAUSE
THE GERMANS CAME TO SEARCH FOR THEM.

THEY ARE ON THE RUN.

THAT IS YOUR PROBLEM,
NOT MINE.

I DON'T CARE
IF I NEVER SEE

THEIR STUPID FACES
EVER AGAIN.

- HELLO.
- HELLO.

IT IS THE AIRMEN.

I WOULD NEVER
HAVE KNOWN.

DO NOT LET THEM
COME IN HERE!

YOU SPEAK THE LANGUAGE.
TELL THEM TO GO AWAY.

NOW, LISTEN CHAPS,
RENE'S BEEN AWFULLY DECENT, PUTTING YOU UP HERE,

BUT YOU HAVE
OUTSTAYED YOUR WELCOME.

WE-- WE-- WE CAN'T
WALK AROUND AS NUNS ALL DAY!

THE JERRIES KEEP
TRYING TO CHAT US UP.

DIDN'T THEY SUSPECT
THE MOUSTACHE?

YOU THINK MINE'S BIG,
YOU SHOULD SEE THE MOTHER SUPERIOR'S.

WE'RE NOT GOING
BACK TO THE NUNNERY.

FAIRFAX MUCKED UP
HIS NEEDLEWORK,

AND WE HAD TO SPEND HOURS
SCRUBBING THE STEPS.

LOOK!

WHY IS HE SHOWING YOU
HIS KNEES?

HE WAS A SCRUBBER
AT THE NUNNERY.

NO WONDER
THEY THREW HIM OUT.

WELL, LOOK,
TELL THEM TO GO AWAY.

LISTEN TO ME, RENE,
YOU ARE A VITAL LINK

IN THE ESCAPE ROUTE
FOR BRITISH AIRMEN.

THIS IS A SAFE HOUSE.

NOT FOR ME, IT ISN'T.

LET US COME
TO THE CRUNCH.

THE CRUNCH?

THE NITTY-GRITTY.

ARE YOU A COLLABORATOR,

OR ARE YOU
WITH THE RESISTANCE?

IS THAT THING LOADED?

I AM DESPERATE.
I HAVE ONE UP THE SPOUT.

THAT WOULD MAKE
YOU DESPERATE, YES.

WELL?

LOOK, I AM ON YOUR SIDE.

AT THE SAME TIME,
I HAVE A BUSINESS TO RUN.

NOW, I CANNOT GO AROUND
BEING RUDE TO THE GERMANS.

NOT IN FRONT
OF THEIR FACES, ANYWAY.

I WILL PUT OUT MY TONGUE
AT THEM, FROM TIME TO TIME,

WHEN THEIR BACKS
ARE TURNED.

OR PUT A LITTLE
EXTRA SALT IN THEIR SOUP,

BUT WE MUST
BE REASONABLE.

( automobile arrives )

IT IS THE COLONEL
AND THE CAPTAIN.

THE COLONEL IS PARKING
UNDER THE TREE.

I THINK THEY
ARE COMING IN HERE.

HE MUST NOT SEE THEM!
GET THEM OUT THROUGH THE WINDOW, QUICK.

NO, THEY CANNOT GO THAT WAY,
THERE'S A DRIVER WITH A GUN.

OH... QUICK,
THROUGH HERE.

THE COLONEL AND CAPTAIN
ARE APPROACHING.

WELL, KEEP THEM BUSY
WHILE I THINK

OF A GOOD REASON
WHY I'VE GOT TWO NUNS IN MY BACK ROOM.

- THE ORGAN FUND.
- THE ORGAN FUND? WITH MY REPUTATION?

GO, GO,
KEEP THEM BUSY.

GREETINGS, COLONEL.

IS THERE ANY REFRESHMENT
THAT YOU WOULD LIKE,

THAT IS NOT
ON A HIGH SHELF?

NO, THANK YOU, MY DEAR.
WE HAVE BUSINESS WITH RENE.

- IS HE IN THE BACK ROOM?
- NO!

GOOD. WE WISH
TO BE PRIVATE.

WE WILL WAIT IN THERE,
WHILE YOU FIND HIM.

OH MY GOD! QUICK!
GET THEM DOWN.

TAKE THESE, YVETTE,
TAKE THESE.

HAND THEM OUT.

STAND BACK.

- WOULDN'T YOU RATHER
WAIT IN MY ROOM? - STAND ASIDE.

♪ AHHH ♪

♪ AAA-VE MARRR-III-AAA ♪

♪ GRAAA- TIAAA PLENA... ♪

AM I INTERRUPTING
SOMETHING?

SHH!

RENE IS HAVING
A SPECIAL SERVICE

FOR HIS LATE
DEPARTED BROTHER.

HE'S NOT DEAD.

THE CHURCH
DON'T KNOW THAT!

THEY WERE GOING
TO HAVE A BIG ONE, IN THE CATHEDRAL.

BUT THIS
WORKED OUT CHEAPER.

Hans:
HIS LIPS ARE MUTTERING IN SILENT PRAYER.

IT IS VERY MOVING.

IN THAT CASE,
TAKE YOUR HAT OFF.

WHO IS FRANK HARRIS?

HE WAS A PROPHET.

HANS,

GIVE IT TO ME.

I HAD NO IDEA
THEY PLAYED LEAPFROG

IN HEAVEN.

- AMEN.
- AMEN.

IS THERE SOMETHING
I CAN DO FOR YOU, COLONEL?

HELGA, MY SECRETARY,
HAS BEEN INSTRUCTED

TO TAKE LIEUTENANT GRUBER
TO GESTAPO HEADQUARTERS.

DOES HE KNOW ANYTHING?

I DO NOT THINK SO,
COLONEL, NO.

RENE HAS ALWAYS
BEEN VERY CAREFUL

NOT TO DROP ANYTHING
IN FRONT OF HIM.

WOULD YOU EXCUSE US,
COLONEL?

WE ARE JUST GOING
INTO THE FINALE.

( high pitched voices )
♪ AAA-VE MARRR-III-AAA... ♪

I THINK
WE SHOULD GO.

I FIND THE PRESENCE
OF NUNS VERY UPLIFTING.

WE MUST
DEFINITELY GO!

I HAVE DONE PRECISELY AS
YOU INSTRUCTED, HERR FLICK.

I SEARCHED
THE RECORDS AND DISCOVERED THAT LIEUTENANT GRUBER WAS,

FOR A SHORT WHILE
IN CIVILIAN LIFE,

AN ASSISTANT
IN AN ART GALLERY IN COLOGNE.

WAS THAT BEFORE OR AFTER
HE WAS A WINDOW DRESSER?

AFTER.

LET US HOPE
HE CAN SOLVE MY PROBLEM.

I WILL INTERVIEW HIM.

( Helga shouts )
BRING HIM IN HERE!

HEIL HITLER.

DO YOU HAVE ANY
FURTHER INSTRUCTIONS FOR THE SOLDIER?

NONE.

GO AWAY!

I MUST APOLOGIZE FOR THE MANNER
IN WHICH YOU WERE BROUGHT TO MY HEADQUARTERS.

THAT IS QUITE ALL RIGHT.

ACTUALLY, I--

I RATHER ENJOYED IT.

THAT SOLDIER WHO BROUGHT ME,
HE HAS VERY...

BROAD SHOULDERS.

I HAVE MADE INQUIRIES

INTO YOUR BACKGROUND
AND INTERESTS.

YOU HAVE, SHALL WE SAY,

ARTISTIC LEANINGS.

IF YOU SAY SO.

I AM GOING TO PUT YOU
TO THE TEST.

( Gruber whimpers )

HAVE YOU ANY IMMEDIATE
REACTIONS TO THESE?

NOTHING WORTH REPORTING.

TRY HARDER.

ARE THEY OF HELGA?

THEY ARE MOST DEFINITELY
NOT HELGA!

PERHAPS YOU WOULD LIKE
TO TAKE A CLOSER LOOK?

DO I HAVE TO?

MAYBE THIS
WILL HELP YOU.

I WOULD HAVE THOUGHT
IT HARDLY NECESSARY.

ONE IS GENUINE,
TWO ARE FORGERIES,

WHICH IS WHICH?

AH.

THIS IS AN EARLY VAN CLOMP.

HOW DO YOU KNOW?

WHEN HE WAS TALLER, HE SIGNED
HIS PAINTINGS FURTHER UP.

AH!

YOU HAVE A CLUE?

YES, THIS IS
THE GENUINE PAINTING.

ARE YOU SURE?

THIS IS DEFINITELY THE BRUSHWORK
OF THE MASTER.

WHEN HE GOT TO
THIS LITTLE BIT HERE,

HE ALWAYS FINISHED OFF
WITH A LITTLE CIRCLE AND A DOT. ( smacks )

EXCELLENT.

NOW, YOU UNDERSTAND

IT IS MOST IMPORTANT
THAT YOU TELL NO ONE

WHAT YOU HAVE SEEN.

YOU HAVE MY WORD,
HERR FLICK.

THIS IS NOT ENOUGH.
SIT IN THAT CHAIR.

( whimpers )

WHAT ARE YOU G--
GOING TO DO?

THE GESTAPO HAS WAYS

OF ENSURING SILENCE.

- AAAH...
- HELGA?

HE IS READY.

AARGHH!

YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO.

YES, HERR FLICK.

WATCH THE BIRDIE.

GOOD, THAT IS ENOUGH, HELGA.

THAT IS ENOUGH,
HELGA!

YOU KNOW,
OF COURSE,

WHAT WOULD HAPPEN
IF I SENT THIS PICTURE

TO YOUR COMMANDING OFFICER?

I DON'T THINK HE WOULD
EVER SPEAK TO ME AGAIN.

HAVE THE COLONEL
AND THE CAPTAIN GONE?

OF COURSE THEY HAVE.
THEY LEFT OVER AN HOUR AGO.

THEN WHY DID YOU
NOT TELL ME?

I HAVE BEEN HIDING
BEHIND THE CURTAINS HOLDING MY BREATH.

WHERE ARE THE AIRMEN?

DON'T WORRY,
WE HAVE HIDDEN THEM.

WE HAVE PUT THEM
IN A SECRET PLACE.

SOMEONE IS COMING.

I WILL RECEDE DOWN
THE BACK PASSAGE.

GO AWAY!
WE ARE NOT OPEN.

Rene:
I KNOW THAT. I OWN THE DAMNED PLACE.

COME INSIDE AND STOP MAKING
AN EXHIBITION OF YOURSELVES.

OH, WHAT AN AFTERNOON.

OH, MY DEAR, BEAUTIFUL,
LITTLE EDITH.

I AM SO PROUD OF HER.

THEY WERE AROUND HER
LIKE FLIES.

I EXPECT HER HAT
HAD GONE OFF.

NOW QUICK,
WE ARE LATE OPENING.

YVETTE, MARIA, TAKE THIS
SILLY OLD BAT UPSTAIRS AND PUT HER TO BED.

YOU, LECLERC,
TAKE OFF YOUR HAT, PUT ON YOUR APRON

AND WASH THOSE DIRTY GLASSES
BEHIND THE BAR.

I HAD NO IDEA
IT WAS SO LATE.

OH, WHAT A DAY
I HAVE HAD.

SO MANY COMPLIMENTS,

SO MANY RAISED HATS.

PROBABLY THEIR HAIR
WAS STANDING ON END.

SEE, SEE,

MANY OF THEM GAVE ME
THEIR CARDS.

"SERVIETTES AND
CATERING SUPPLIES,"

"THE HAT SHOP,"

"DYNAROD"?!

TONIGHT I WILL SING
AS I HAVE NEVER SUNG BEFORE.

WHAT? IN TUNE?

- MONSIEUR LECLERC?
- MADAME.

PLAY FOR ME
A FEW CHORDS

WHILE I PRACTICE
MY SCALES.

Rene:
EDITH, WE HAVE NO TIME FOR SCALES.

ALREADY WE ARE
FULL OF CUSTOMERS. GOOD EVENING, GENTLEMEN.

MONSIEUR LECLERC,
A CHORD IN "C."

- OWWW!
- OOOH!

AARGHH!

MADAME, THE PIANO...

IS UP THE CREEK.

OH! IT DID THIS LAST WEEK.

RENE?

THE PIANO HAS
GONE WRONG AGAIN.

FIX IT WHILE I SERVE
THE CUSTOMERS THE DRINKS.

IT IS THE MICE,

THEY SEEK REFUGE IN THERE
WHEN YOU SING.

SOMETIMES THEY
GET TRAPPED.

- HELLO.
- HELLO.

ARGH!

COLONEL,

CAPTAIN,

HOW NICE THAT YOU
SHOULD COME IN TO MY CAFE AT THIS PRECISE MOMENT.

EDITH, GIVE THE COLONEL ONE,
WILL YOU?

RENE, I HAVE NOT
PRACTICED MY SCALES.

THERE IS NO TIME
FOR SCALES, EDITH.

VERY WELL, I WILL GO
STRAIGHT INTO MY SONG.

NO! EDITH,
YOU MUST NOT SING.

- BUT RENE, WE HAVE
NEW CUSTOMERS. - YES, BUT...

DO YOU HAVE ANY
REQUESTS, GENTLEMEN?

SING US, EH...
"LILI MARLENE."

- OH, MONSIEUR LECLERC.
- NO, NO, NO.

"LILI MARLENE."

"LILI MARLENE."

RIGHT-O.

ROGER.

ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR...

Airmen:
PLINKY, PLINKY PLONK, PLONK...

PLINKY, PLINKY
PLONK, PLONK.

THE CHEESE BOARD,
COLONEL?

( off-key )
♪ 'TWAS THERE THAT YOU WHISPERED TENDERLY ♪

♪ THAT YOU WOULD BE,
YOU'D ALWAYS BE ♪

♪ MY LILI
OF THE LAMPLIGHT. ♪

( theme music playing )