'Allo 'Allo (1982–1992): Season 1, Episode 6 - Reds Nick Colonel - full transcript

( theme music playing )

I AM PREPARING THIS CAKE
FOR COLONEL VON STROHM,

THE TOWN COMMANDANT,
BECAUSE IT IS HIS BIRTHDAY.

LIFE AT MY LITTLE CAFE
NEAR NOUVION

IS BACK TO NORMAL,

EXCEPT THAT I HAVE
A RADIO TRANSMITTER

HIDDEN UNDER THE BED
OF MY WIFE'S MOTHER,

CYANIDE TABLETS
IN THESE TWO RINGS

IN CASE THE GESTAPO
SHOULD DISCOVER

THAT I AM HELPING
THE RESISTANCE,

AND TWO BRITISH AIRMEN
CONCEALED WHERE NO ONE WOULD SUSPECT.



- HELLO!
- HELLO!

AND BY THE WAY,

I WAS SHOT DEAD
BY A FIRING SQUAD

AND BURIED YESTERDAY.

AND I AM NOW MY OWN
TWIN BROTHER.

SO FAR SO GOOD.

ARE YOU READY, GIRLS?

- READY.
- FOLLOW ME.

THANK YOU,
MONSIEUR LECLERC.

♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU ♪

Everyone:
♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU ♪

♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY,
DEAR COLONEL ♪

♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU. ♪

AND NOW,



THE TIME-HONORED
CEREMONY

OF BLOWING OUT
THE CANDLES.

IN FRANCE,
IT IS A TRADITION

THIS MUST BE DONE
BY ONE BIG PUFF.

IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY,
COLONEL.

All:
OH BRAVO!

DEAR COLONEL,
DO NOT EAT THE ICING--

IT IS PLASTER OF PARIS.

THIS IS BECAUSE
THE CAPTAIN COULD NOT SUPPLY THE ICING SUGAR.

THAT'S IT.

THERE YOU ARE.

NO SUGAR?

HANS, COULDN'T YOU HAVE
GIVEN UP YOUR RATION

FOR MY BIRTHDAY CAKE?

I GAVE IT TO MARIA.
SHE WON'T TAKE CASH ON SUNDAYS.

WHERE ARE MY PRESENTS?

FROM ME,
THIS CAKE.

AND I SHALL HAVE
A SURPRISE FOR YOU

IN MY ROOM AT 9:00.

AND I SHALL HAVE
A SURPRISE FOR YOU

IN MY ROOM AT 8:00.

AND I HAVE A SURPRISE
FOR YOU NOW.

I SHALL SING TO YOU
A SPECIAL SONG

WHICH I USED TO SING
MANY YEARS AGO

TO OUR DEAR SOLDIERS
OVERSEAS.

IN THE CRIMEA.

I WAS THE TOAST
OF SIDI BEL ABBES.

MONSIEUR LECLERC--

IF YOU PLEASE, THE MUSIC.

I KNEW NOTHING ABOUT THIS,
I AM SO SORRY.

♪ WILL YOU FALL IN LOVE ♪

♪ IF I REMOVE A GLOVE? ♪

♪ WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO? ♪

♪ SHOULD I TAKE OFF
MY SHOE? ♪

♪ FOR I AM
CALLED COQUETTE ♪

♪ THE GIRL MEN
CAN'T FORGET ♪

♪ I DRIVE MEN WILD
WITH DESIRE ♪

♪ WHEN I LIFT MY
DRESSES HIGHER ♪

♪ SHOULD I TAKE OFF
MY CHEMISE? ♪

♪ OO-LA-LA-LA ♪

♪ BUT AS YOU KNOW ♪

♪ I NEVER GO
THAT FAR... ♪

JUST AS WELL.

♪ WOULD I STAND A CHANCE ♪

♪ WITH SOME EXOTIC DANCE? ♪

♪ SHOULD I DO THE SPLITS? ♪

IF SHE DOES
SHE'LL FALL TO BITS.

♪ FOR I AM CALLED
COQUETTE ♪

♪ THE GIRL
MEN CAN'T FORGET ♪

♪ THEY CANNOT WAIT ♪

♪ TO KISS MY LIPS ♪

♪ OR JUST CARESS ♪

♪ MY FINGERTIPS ♪

♪ BUT STILL I KNOW ♪

♪ IT'S TOO UNFAIR ♪

♪ TO SHOW THE BOYS ♪

♪ MY UNDERWEAR ♪

♪ OO-LA-LA-LA ♪

♪ BUT AS YOU KNOW ♪

♪ I NEVER GO ♪

♪ THAT FAR. ♪

UNFORGETTABLE.

RENE, YOUR WIFE
HAS MANY TALENTS.

SINGING IS NOT
ONE OF THEM.

A LITTLE CHAMPAGNE,
COLONEL?

WITH CHAMPAGNE GLASSES.

BUT OF COURSE,

AND MAY I TELL YOU
A LITTLE LEGEND?

IT IS SAID THAT THESE
CHAMPAGNE GLASSES

WERE MODELED ON THE BOSOM
OF MARIE ANTOINETTE.

THEY SHOULD HAVE MODELED THEM
ON HELGA'S BOSOM.

WE'D HAVE GOT
A BIGGER DRINK.

CAPTAIN GEERING!

THAT WAS IN THE WORST
POSSIBLE TASTE.

YOU WILL APOLOGIZE
TO HELGA.

I'M-- I'M SORRY, HELGA.

AND YOU MUST TELL THE COLONEL
YOU HAVE NEVER SEEN MY BOSOM.

OF COURSE, HELGA.

I-- I-- I HAVE NEVER SEEN
HELGA'S BOSOM.

I WAS ONLY GUESSING.

THERE IS ALSO A LEGEND ABOUT
WHERE THEY GOT THE IDEA

FOR THE CHAMPAGNE CORK.

NO MORE STORIES TONIGHT.

NOW--

A TOAST TO YOUR HEALTH.

AND TO VICTORY!

OH, TO VICTORY.

FOR OUR SIDE.

Rene:
WHO ELSE?

LIEUTENANT GRUBER,

I WOULD LIKE
A PRIVATE WORD WITH RENE.

WOULD YOU LEAVE US
FOR A MOMENT?

OF COURSE.

RENE.

YES, COLONEL.

HAVE YOU GOT RID OF THOSE
BRITISH AIRMEN YET?

I CAN TRUTHFULLY SAY
THEY ARE UNDERCOVER.

THEY MUST GO.

I CANNOT GO ON
TURNING A BLIND EYE.

WHAT WILL HAPPEN
IF THE GESTAPO FIND OUT?

WE SHALL HAVE
TO DROP YOU IN IT.

DEAR COLONEL,

THE RESISTANCE ARE
ARRANGING EVERYTHING.

I DIDN'T HEAR THAT.

THE RESISTANCE ARE
ARRANGING EVERYTHING!

YOU FOOL!

THE LESS WE KNOW
ABOUT IT, THE BETTER.

AND NOW, RENE,

WHAT ABOUT
THE PAINTING?

YES, YES, THE FALLEN MADONNA
WITH THE BIG BOOBIES.

SHE WOULD HAVE MADE A GOOD
MODEL FOR THE CHAMPAGNE GLASSES.

THE LESS YOU KNOW
ABOUT THE PAINTING THE BETTER.

BUT I NEED TO KNOW
ABOUT IT.

IT IS OUR RETIREMENT FUND.

IT'S MY
RETIREMENT FUND.

I FOUND IT.

YES, BUT I KNOW ABOUT IT.

YOU KNOW IT IS
BEING COPIED IN LONDON.

WHEN IT IS RETURNED TO US
YOU WILL KEEP THE ORIGINAL,

AND YOU CAN GIVE THE COPY
TO HERR FLICK OF THE GESTAPO,

WHO WILL GO AWAY SATISFIED.

THE GESTAPO ARE
NEVER SATISFIED.

HELGA IS DOING
A VERY GOOD JOB

KEEPING HERR FLICK
OUT OF OUR HAIR.

I AM NOT, HOWEVER,
KEEPING HIM OUT OF MY HAIR.

HE HAS ASKED ME
TO REPORT EVERY WORD OF YOUR CONVERSATION.

THAT IS VERY
UNDERHAND OF HIM.

KEEP ME INFORMED
OF EVERY MOVE HE MAKES.

YES.

- MORE CHAMPAGNE.
- OH, AT ONCE COLONEL, YES.

COLONEL,

WHEN AFTER THE WAR
YOU SELL THE PAINTING

- WILL YOU REMEMBER ME?
- EVERY BIT.

WHY SHOULD I?
I FOUND THE PAINTING.

YES, BUT SHE KNOWS
ABOUT IT.

IN THAT CASE, HELGA,

YOU WILL BE TAKEN CARE OF.

THANK YOU, COLONEL.

BUT NOW, ENOUGH TALK
OF BUSINESS AND THE FUTURE.

LET US ENJOY THE PRESENT.

LET THERE BE WINE,
WOMEN--

Edith:
AND SONG!

NO! JUST WINE AND WOMEN.

ANOTHER SURPRISE?

MORE OF A SHOCK
I THINK.

YOU ARE COLONEL VON STROHM
AND CAPTAIN HANS GEERING?

YES. WHAT OF IT?

THE OWNER OF THIS CAFE
WAS SHOT BY YOUR ORDERS.

NO, HE WAS SHOT
ON THE ORDERS

OF GENERAL
VON KLINKERHOFFEN.

THE VON KLINKERHOFFEN.

I AM MERELY
THE TOWN COMMANDANT.

I JUST SIGN PAPERS.

I JUST HAND HIM
THE PEN.

OOH!

YOUR EXECUTION WILL BE
A WARNING TO YOU NAZIS

THAT NO ONE IS
SAFE FROM THE REVENGE OF THE RESISTANCE.

BUT THESE PEOPLE
ARE MY FRIENDS.

RENE'S TWIN BROTHER, RENE,
BAKED THIS CAKE FOR ME.

A COLLABORATOR.

A FRIEND OF THE GERMANS.

WOULD A FRIEND HAVE USED
PLASTER OF PARIS

INSTEAD OF ICING SUGAR?

HIS WIFE SANG A SPECIAL SONG
FOR ME, TO ENTERTAIN ME.

IS THIS TRUE?

EDITH?

EDITH, SING A FEW BARS
FOR THIS LADY WOULD YOU?

( off-key )
♪ HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE ♪

♪ DOWN BY THE SEINE
WITH ME? ♪

ENOUGH!

YOU ARE IN THE CLEAR.

OUTSIDE!

QUICK!

RENE,
SEND FOR THE ARMY!

Colonel:
WE ARE THE ARMY.

THE POOR COLONEL,
AND THE CAPTAIN.

WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?

THANK YOU, I SHALL BE
FOREVER IN YOUR DEBT.

YOU DID NOT GIVE ME AWAY.

I DID NOT KNOW
YOU WERE THERE.

MICHELLE FROM THE RESISTANCE
IS IN THE BACK ROOM.

JUST IN TIME TO GET
A PIECE OF MY MIND.

MICHELLE!

I AM HERE.

WHAT ARE YOU PLAYING AT?

HOW DARE YOU KNOCK OFF
THE COLONEL

AND THE CAPTAIN
IN MY CAFE?

WHAT KIND OF A BUSINESS
DO YOU THINK I'M RUNNING HERE?

IT WAS NOT MY GROUP
OF THE RESISTANCE,

IT WAS THE OTHER PARTY.

WE ARE DE GAULLE.
THEY ARE THE COMMUNISTS.

THEY DO NOT UNDERSTAND
THAT WE ARE USING YOU

TO HELP US BLACKMAIL
THE GERMANS INTO KEEPING QUIET

ABOUT THE FACT THAT
WE ARE HELPING YOU

TO HELP THE BRITISH AIRMEN
TO ESCAPE.

UNTIL YOUR EXPLANATION,

I DID NOT
UNDERSTAND IT EITHER.

THE QUESTION IS,
WHAT DO WE DO NOW?

WE KNOW
THEIR HIDING PLACE.

WE WILL RESCUE
THE GERMANS.

BUT FIRST, YOU MUST
RADIO LONDON TO TELL THEM

YOU CANNOT TAKE
THE BRITISH AIRMEN TO THE COAST TONIGHT.

ME? BUT I WAS NOT GOING
TO THE COAST TONIGHT.

YOU WERE.

PASSES HAVE BEEN
PROVIDED.

I WOULD GO MYSELF,

BUT I WOULD BE MISSED
AT MY JOB.

WHAT IS YOUR JOB?

I AM THE SUB-POSTMISTRESS
IN THE NEXT VILLAGE,

NEXT TO THE BAKERY.

NOT THE LITTLE GIRL
WITH THE GLASSES AND THE LISP?

THE VERY THAME.

YOU OVERCHARGED ME
FOR TWO STAMPS LAST WEEK.

THERE IS NO TIME FOR THAT.
GET ON THE RADIO.

I WILL TAKE CARE
OF THE COLONEL.

( banging )
EDITH, YVETTE,

MARIA.

WILL NO ONE
HEAR THE CRIES

OF AN OLD WOMAN
IN DISTRESS?

FANNY!

IT IS I.

ROGER?

SHH!

I HAVE BROUGHT YOU
SOME FOOD.

NOT ONION SOUP.

NO, NO,
MY LITTLE BUTTERCUP.

SEE, IT IS CAKE--

WITH CURRANTS.

HEAVEN BE PRAISED.

AND ALSO,
WITH A CANDLE.

AHA! ALWAYS THE ROMANTIC.

I'LL GIVE YOU A BIT.

OH!

OH, CAKE!

IT IS THE BIRTHDAY CAKE
OF THE GERMAN COLONEL.

THE VERY MENTION
OF HIS NAME

AND THE ICING TURNS
TO PLASTER OF PARIS.

NOW LISTEN
VERY CAREFULLY,

I SHALL SAY THIS
ONLY ONCE.

WHAT WAS THAT?

I SHALL SAY THIS
ONLY ONCE.

GOOD.

THERE IS NO TIME
TO USE THE RADIO.

THE GESTAPO
WILL INVESTIGATE

THE DISAPPEARANCE
OF THE COLONEL.

IF HE FINDS
THE TRANSMITTER, AND THE CODE BOOK,

WE WILL ALL HAVE
HAD OUR CHIPS.

CHIPS!

OH, IT IS A MIRACLE!

- SHUT UP!
- QUICK, THE RADIO.

MONSIEUR LECLERC,
THE BED.

THE BED, YES,
I'LL GET IN IT.

NOT IN IT,
LIFT IT.

AH!

HOLD THIS!

THE RADIO!

NOW, WHAT SHALL
I DO WITH IT?

THERE IS
A TRUCK OUTSIDE.

THEY WILL HIDE IT
FOR YOU.

RENE, THE GESTAPO
IS HERE.

OTTO FLICK HAS JUST
ENTERED THE CAFE.

GIVE THE RADIO TO ME.

IF HE FINDS IT,
WE ARE DEAD.

I WILL DROP IT
IN THE BACK OF THE TRUCK.

GOOD IDEA.

BULLSEYE!

WHAT ABOUT
THE CODE BOOK?

HIDE IT
ON YOUR PERSON.

BUT THEY MAY
SEARCH MY PERSON.

THEY USUALLY DO.

DROP IT IN THE TRUCK.

YES.

THE TRUCK HAS GONE.
IT IS NOT THERE.

THE BOOK MUST
BE DESTROYED.

- EAT IT.
- WHAT?

WHAT, NO MAYONNAISE?

IN PARIS,
IN THE LAST WAR,

WE ATE THE RATS,
NEVER THE BOOKS.

NOW WE MUST WARN
THE BRITISH AIRMEN

THAT THERE IS A DELAY.

2:30.
THEY SHOULD BE--

- HELLO!
- READY TO GO?

- THERE IS A DELAY.
- HUH?

YOU SPEAK TO THEM,
I DO NOT SPEAK ENGLISH.

CHANGE OF PLAN, CHAPS.
THERE IS A DELAY.

LEAVING TOMORROW.

OH, BAD SHOW.

GET OUT ONTO THE ROOF
AND HIDE BEHIND THE CHIMNEY.

RIGHTY-O.

ANY CHANCE
OF ANY FOOD?

YES, WE'RE
DAMNED HUNGRY.

HAVE A GO AT THESE.

WHAT IS IT?

IT'S CODE.

OH--

HAVEN'T YOU
ANYTHING HOT?

GET INTO LINE.

HURRY UP,
YOU PEASANTS.

HERR FLICK OF THE GESTAPO
HAS SOME QUESTIONS TO ASK YOU.

SO,

DID ANY OF YOU RECOGNIZE
THESE CRIMINALS?

WHY IS THIS MUTTON
DRESSED AS LAMB?

IT WAS THE DEAR
COLONEL'S BIRTHDAY.

I WAS ENTERTAINING HIM.

ARE YOU THEN
A LADY OF THE NIGHT?

I WAS THE CABARET.

I AM A PROFESSIONAL
ARTISTE.

I WAS SINGING
FOR HIS DELIGHT.

PROVE IT.

♪ I DRIVE MEN WILD
WITH DESIRE ♪

♪ WHEN I LIFT
MY DRESSES HIGHER ♪

♪ SHOULD I TAKE OFF-- ♪

STOP!

YOUR STORY DOES
NOT HOLD WATER.

SHE SPEAKS THE TRUTH,
HERR FLICK,

UNLIKELY THOUGH IT SEEMS.

YOU.

DID YOU SEE THE FACE
OF THE TRAITOR?

SHE WAS JUST AN ORDINARY
FRENCH GIRL.

WOULD YOU
RECOGNIZE HER?

ALL GIRLS LOOK
THE SAME TO ME.

VERY WELL.

IF THE COLONEL
AND THE CAPTAIN

ARE NOT RETURNED
TO MY OFFICE UNHARMED

BY 8:00 TOMORROW MORNING,

10 PEASANTS WILL BE MARCHED
INTO THE TOWN SQUARE

BY THE LIEUTENANT
AND HIS MEN,

AND THEY WILL BE SHOT.
IS THAT UNDERSTOOD?

GOOD.

HERR FLICK,

COULD YOU NOT
GET SOMEONE ELSE TO DO THE SHOOTING?

YOU'RE MAKING ME
RATHER UNPOPULAR.

YOU WILL OBEY ORDERS.

THAT IS ALL.

HELGA, COME WITH ME.

YES, HERR FLICK.

HEIL HITLER.

( peasants razz )

MAKE THAT 20 PEASANTS.

HANS, LOOK AT IT
HOW YOU WILL,

THIS IS A VERY SERIOUS
SITUATION.

DO YOU THINK
THEY ARE REALLY GOING TO SHOOT US?

THEY ARE FRENCH.

THE FRENCH ARE
VERY UNRELIABLE,

ESPECIALLY
AFTER LUNCH.

COLONEL,
WHY ARE YOU WIGGLING ABOUT?

YOU WILL BE
PLEASED TO HEAR,

I'VE MANAGED TO GET
MY LIGHTER OUT OF MY BACK POCKET.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE TRYING
TO GIVE UP SMOKING.

I AM GOING TO BURN
THROUGH THE ROPES

THAT TIE YOUR WRISTS,

AND THEN YOU
CAN UNTIE ME.

GOOD.

I SAW THIS IN A FILM
WITH CONRAD VEIGHT.

KEEP YOUR VOICE DOWN,

AND STAND BY.

I AM READY.

WHAT IS THE DELAY?

I AM PULLING UP MY WICK

TO GET A BIG FLAME.

EVEN CONRAD VEIGHT
DIDN'T THINK OF THAT.

HERE WE GO.

AH!

QUIET DUMMY!

YOU ARE LIGHTING
THE HAIRS ON MY WRISTS!

DON'T BE A BABY.

( whining )
I AM NOT A BABY.

AH!

WELL DONE, HANS.

I FELT A ROPE GO.

THAT WAS THE STRAP
OF MY WRISTWATCH.

QUIET!
THERE'S SOMEONE COMING.

TRY NOT TO SMOLDER.

Rene:
WHAT IS HAPPENING? WHERE AM I?

REMOVE THE BLINDFOLD.

RENE.

WHAT ARE YOU
DOING HERE?

I WAS JUST
PUTTING OUT THE CAT,

AND I WAS POUNCED ON
BY THE RESISTANCE.

PERHAPS THEY THINK
I AM SOMEBODY ELSE.

YOU ARE THE BROTHER
OF THE MAN WHO WAS SHOT.

YOU ARE TO HAVE THE HONOR
OF SHOOTING THESE MEN

WHO HAVE RAPED
THE WHOLE OF FRANCE.

IF I MAY SAY SO, THAT IS
A SLIGHT EXAGGERATION.

HERE IS A GUN.

NOW IS YOUR CHANCE
TO AVENGE YOUR BROTHER.

OH, WELL I-- I THINK
YOU SHOULD UNDERSTAND

THAT MY BROTHER AND I
WERE NOT THAT CLOSE.

IN FACT,
WE DID NOT GET ON.

NO, NO, HE USED
TO BULLY ME YOU KNOW.

HE USED TO TWIST THE EAR
OF MY TEDDY BEAR,

AND PINCH MY CONKERS.

I KNOW-- I KNOW IT DOES NOT
SOUND LIKE MUCH NOW,

BUT WHEN YOU ARE LITTLE,
YOU REMEMBER SUCH THINGS.

I HAVE PLACED
IN THE CHAMBER

TWO BULLETS.

DO YOUR DUTY.

MAY I HAVE JUST ONE
LAST REQUEST?

WE ARE SUPPOSED TO HAVE
THE LAST REQUEST.

SILENCE, PIG!

DOG!

HYENA.

HYENA!

I WOULD LIKE TO SAVOR
MY MOMENT OF REVENGE ALONE.

WE UNDERSTAND.

QUICK, FOLLOW ME.

THAT WAS
A NARROW SQUEAK.

RENE, YOU MUST
GET US OUT OF HERE.

WE CANNOT
GO ON HELPING YOU IF WE ARE SHOT.

IT IS ALL YOUR FAULT

FOR SAYING I WAS
MY OWN TWIN BROTHER.

IF YOU HAD SAID I WAS
A DISTANT COUSIN OR SOMETHING

I WOULD NOT BE
IN THIS MESS.

YOU'RE IN A MESS?

WHAT ABOUT THE MESS
WE'RE IN?

WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?

CUT THESE ROPES,

AND WE CAN LEG IT
OUT THE WINDOW.

WHAT-- WAIT A MOMENT.

HOW DO I EXPLAIN
THAT YOU HAVE ESCAPED?

YOU LEG IT AS WELL.

- ( locks rattling )
- Colonel: LOOK OUT.

YOU HAVE NOT
SHOOT THEM YET.

NO, NO.

I THOUGHT I WOULD
JUST TORTURE THEM A BIT.

YOU KNOW HOW ONE DOES,

JUST IN CASE THEY CAN REVEAL
ANY OF HITLER'S PLANS,

OR SECRET WEAPONS,

OR WHERE HE IS GOING
ON HIS HOLIDAYS.

MY UNIT INTERCEPTED
A PARACHUTE DROP.

WE ARE VERY PUZZLED
TO KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.

THERE ARE TWO
GERMAN UNIFORMS,

AND TWO IDENTICAL
PAINTINGS.

HOW STRANGE.

MORE THAN
STRANGE.

THE NAMES OF THESE
TWO OFFICERS

ARE ON THE UNIFORMS,

AND THEY WERE DROPPED
BY THE R.A.F.

THAT IS BECAUSE WE
ARE BRITISH OFFICERS

IN DISGUISE.

( British accent )
ISN'T THAT SO, CHARLES?

ABSOLUTELY,
HENRY OLD BEAN. WHAT, WHAT?

- ( guns firing )
- WE'RE SURROUNDED BY GERMAN SOLDIERS.

QUICK, THE BACK WAY.

AIM HIGH AT THE BARN.
WE MUST NOT HIT RENE.

I CANNOT EVEN
SEE THE BARN.

SOMEONE IS
RUNNING AWAY.

THERE ARE
THREE OF THEM.

GOOD, WE CAN
GO IN NOW.

DEAR COLONEL,

WHEN THE GERMAN TROOPS
ARRIVE,

YOU WILL TELL THEM HOW
I SAVED YOUR LIFE, WON'T YOU?

YES, YES OF COURSE.

IT GOES WITHOUT SAYING.

I WOULD FEEL BETTER
IF YOU SAID IT ALL THE SAME.

THAT'S IT.

Hans:
RENE!

MY RENE!

OH, MY BRAVE YVETTE!

MY RENE!

MY BRAVE MARIA!

MY RENE!

YOU WERE BRAVE TOO,
EDITH.

QUICK, COLONEL,

YOU MUST RETURN
TO NOUVION

SO HERR FLICK CAN SEE
YOU ARE SAFE

AND THEN HE WILL NOT
SHOOT THE PEASANTS.

LEAVE IT TO ME.

- FOLLOW ME, HANS.
- YES, SIR.

AND HIDE
THOSE PAINTINGS.

HIDE THE PAINTINGS,
DO THIS DO THAT. BLAH BLAH BLAH.

( engine shuts off )

HAVE WE RUN OUT
OF GASOLINE AGAIN, HERR FLICK?

NO.

I DISTINCTLY HEARD
THE SOUND OF GUNFIRE.

FROM WHICH DIRECTION?

OVER THERE.

SHALL WE PRETEND
TO BE LOVERS AGAIN?

AS WE DID AT THE BRIDGE,

AND THE CROSSROADS,
AND THE CHURCH?

IN CASE ANYBODY PASSES BY
WHO MIGHT OTHERWISE THINK

OUR PRESENCE IN A STAFF CAR
IS SUSPICIOUS?

NO.

IT IS TIME NOW
FOR ACTION.

- YES, HERR FLICK.
- ( engine sputters )

TAKE THIS.

INSERT IT INTO THE HOLE
AT THE FRONT,

AND TURN, RAPIDLY.

YES, HERR FLICK.

WHAT WILL YOU DO?

I WILL WIGGLE MY FOOT
ON THE PEDAL.

YES, HERR FLICK.

HOW I ADMIRE
A MAN OF ACTION.

THE SWITCH IS ON.

THE SHAFT IS INSERTED.

TURN!

FASTER.
FASTER!

THIS IS SO EXCITING,
HERR FLICK.

KEEP TURNING.

IT'S GOING.
IT'S GOING!

WELL DONE,
HERR FLICK!

DO YOU THINK IT IS
A VERY LONG WAY?

THEY DROVE US IN CIRCLES,
SO WHO KNOWS?

BUT I FEEL THIS IS
THE CORRECT ROAD.

I HAVE A GOOD
SENSE OF DIRECTION.

IF ONLY WE HAD A COMPASS,
WE COULD CHECK OUR BEARINGS.

LOOK OUT FOR
THE GREAT BEAR.

THERE ARE MANY CLOUDS,
AND FEW STARS.

YOU FOOL, HANS.

NOT UP THERE.

IT'S AN INN
OUTSIDE NOUVION.

YOU HAVE NEVER
MENTIONED IT BEFORE.

I DON'T TELL YOU
EVERYTHING.

( car approaching )

LISTEN,

THERE'S A CAR COMING.

I WILL HALT IT.

HERR FLICK,

YOU WILL BE
PLEASED TO SEE

THE CAPTAIN AND I
HAVE ESCAPED.

THAT IS QUITE EVIDENT.

WE HAVE GOOD NEWS.

WE HAVE FOUND AT LAST
THE MISSING PAINTING

OF THE FALLEN MADONNA
WITH THE BIG BOOBIES,

BY VAN CLOMP.

HANS,

GIVE THE PAINTING
TO HERR FLICK.

THE FUHRER WILL BE
DELIGHTED.

GOOD.

I WILL TAKE IT AT ONCE
TO A PLACE OF SAFETY.

GESTAPO DOG!

PIG!

( pounding on door )

Rene:
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

HAVE A LITTLE PATIENCE,
WILL YOU?

YOU ARE WAKING UP
THE WHOLE HOUSE.

FOR THE SAKE OF HEAVEN.

NOW THEN,
WHERE IS THE KEY?

- ( pounding )
- JUST A MINUTE!

WHAT IS HAPPENING?

WE WERE BOTH AROUSED
BY THE BANGING.

I, TOO, WAS AROUSED
BY THE BANGING.

I WAS AROUSED WHEN I SAW
THE GIRLS WITH THE CANDLES.

( pounding )

YES, ALL RIGHT.
WHO IS IT?

Colonel:
QUICK, RENE, LET US IN.

COLONEL, COLONEL,
YOU ARE SAFE!

- WHAT A NIGHT!
- WHAT A FRIGHT!

BUT THE NEWS IS GOOD.

WE HAVE HANDED THE FORGERY
TO HERR FLICK TO SEND TO THE FUHRER,

AND WE HAVE
THE ORIGINAL PAINTING

FOR YOU TO HIDE BEHIND
THE BRICKS IN YOUR CELLAR.

AND THEN WE CAN ALL SLEEP
SOUNDLY IN OUR BEDS,

ONCE MORE.

GIVE IT TO ME
QUICKLY,

IN CASE YOU HAVE
BEEN FOLLOWED.

NOW THEN.

AH.

Everyone:
THE FALLEN MADONNA WITH THE BIG BOOBIES.

THE TROUBLE YOU
HAVE GIVEN US ALL.

TAKE A GOOD LOOK,
MY FRIENDS.

YOU WILL NOT SEE
THEM AGAIN

UNTIL AFTER
THE WAR IS OVER.

WHAT IS WRITTEN ON
THAT LITTLE LABEL IN THE CORNER?

I DON'T KNOW,
IT IS IN ENGLISH. I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

I SPEAK
A LITTLE ENGLISH.

I WILL TRY
TO TRANSLATE FOR YOU.

"DEAR RESISTANCE,

PLEASE NOTE:

THIS... IS... THE...

FORGERY."

HANS, YOU FOOL!

YOU GAVE HERR FLICK
THE WRONG ONE!

YOU'RE CROSS, AREN'T YOU?

WHAT DO WE DO NOW?

WE MUST GET THE PAINTING BACK
BEFORE HERR FLICK CAN SEND IT TO THE FUHRER.

AND WHO IS GOING
TO DO THAT?

YOU ARE!

AND IF YOU DON'T--

- I WILL HAVE ME SHOT.
- YOU WILL HAVE YOU SHOT.

TO BED EVERYONE,
TO BED.

LIFE IS BACK TO NORMAL.

RENE?

ANY-- ANY CHANCE OF
THE GIRLS GIVING US A LITTLE CUDDLE?

DO YOU HAVE ANY BUTTER,
SUGAR OR PARAFFIN?

WELL, HANS?

NOT ON ME, NO.

WELL IN THAT CASE,

HARD BUN, OLD BEAN!

( theme music playing )