'Allo 'Allo (1982–1992): Season 0, Episode 0 - The British Are Coming - full transcript

World War II is raging, but in the French village of Nouvion, café owner Rene Artois wants only a quiet life, plus some slap and tickle with his waitress Yvette behind his sour wife Edith's back. To this end, he keeps in with two ...

I trust the food was to your satisfaction, Colonel.

Your wife is a wonderful cook, Ren?.

She makes rabbit taste like chicken.

That was chicken, Herr Colonel!

Rabbit as you will of course know, does not have a wishbone.

A wishbone... Good! we can make a wish!

A little more wine?

No, we've spent enough already.

This is on the house.

Thank you.

Come on Hans, make a wish.

I wish I could see my wife and children again, very soon.

You're not supposed to tell your wish. Dummkopf! You spoil the whole thing!

I'm very sorry, Colonel.

Ren?, you. Make a wish.

Oh! This is a rare honor, Colonel.

Little piggies only!

Damn it, you've won!

Oh! Well, you can have my wish, Colonel.

What was it?

You mustn't tell or you spoil it!

It doesn't spoil it if you tell it after!

What was it?

I just wished that this terrible war could be over very soon.

Good, very good. But which side do you wish to win?

Yours, of course, Herr Colonel.

Sensible fellow!

Dear Colonel, I wonder if I might beg a kindness from you?

My butter is running very low, if you could let me have a part or two,...

...just to keep me going?

Of course. Hans, make a note. Anything else?

Dare I mention sugar?

Of course.

And five liters of paraffin will be most acceptable.

This may be most difficult, I have to account for everything in the store.

Room six is at your disposal, Colonel, as usual.

And one of my girls was inquiring after you only five minutes ago.

Which one?


Five liters!

With respect, Herr Colonel, Yvette is ten liters.

Does that include the feather duster?

Of course.

Ten liters.

Ten liters, very well.

Room six for ten liters. Six for me, four for you.

Oh, not the wet celery and the flying helmet?

No, the feather duster.

But throw in the egg whisk, we might get some gasoline as well.

There's someone to see you in the back room.

Who is it?

She's a woman. She has a gun!

What!? But she does not have a pram, does she?

No, but she is with two men.

I will see her.



Ren?, do not think badly of me and the things I do.

I do it for my poor widower mother. She needs the paraffin.

She has cold feet. But she must never, never know how I get it,...


Yvette, your secret is safe with me...

...and the Captain and the Colonel...

...and the pianist, and my wife...

...and the ironmonger in the Rue de Grenoble.

How does he know about it?

He supplies the feather duster and the egg whisk!

Don't move!


My name is Michelle Dubois, time is very short.

Listen very carefully, I shall say this only once.

I beg your pardon?

I shall say this only once.

No, I didn't quite catch your name.

My name is Michelle Dubois, you are Ren? Artois.

Yes, I know that. I wish...

Sit down,...

...just listen.

We are members of Lifeline.

Our mission is to assist the escape all allied airmen,...

...and get them back to England so they can fight again.

Until yesterday we had a safe house in Nouvion.

Unfortunately it has been blown. It was terrible.

It was a little Caf?, just like this. With a patron, just like you.

They took him and his wife out into the town square...

...and shot them in cold blood.

I should never forget the look on his face as he stood there.

It was the greatest man I ever knew.

He sang the Marseillaise, three bars into the second chorus,...

...a volley of shots rang out...

...and he slumped against the ropes that held him to the post.

Why are you telling me this?

Your Caf? is to be our next safe house.

Ah! Oh, well, if you don't mind my saying, it's not a very good choice.

This house is most terribly unsafe, it is crowling with Germans!

But you are on very good terms with them.

Well, yes... and again, no! Let us say we get on. Well, we have to, do we not?

I mean, just because they are the enemy, that's not mean you can be rude to people,...

...not in my business.


You are about to perform a great service for France.

The escaping airmen will hide here,...

...until you give them the forged papers.

Where will I get forged papers?

A man will live here in your cellar. He is an expert forger.

He will forge the papers and give them to you.

Oh... well, could not just post the papers...

...to wherever the airmen were before they came here?

Save them a journey! I mean, it's no trouble, I would even...

...pay for the stamp.

If the letter was intercepted, it would be traced back to you,...

...and you would find yourself in the town square. Dead.

Your way is best.

Well, where is this man who is to do the forging?

Oh, it is better that you do not know his whereabouts.

But, for the moment he is in a very safe place.

I want you in the back room.

?Oh Monsieur Ren?! What about your wife?

This is a matter of utmost urgency.

But with you, it is always a matter of utmost urgency.

We shall be doing this for France!

No, you are the one who does it for France,...

...I'm just a waitress

Do as you're told!

Yvette, ?dith, in the back room!

Michelle, this is my wife, ?dith. I have told her everything.

Will she talk?


But, uh... not about anything important.

This is Yvette, and this is Maria.

Are they with us?

Do they understand the need for secrecy?

They will give nothing away. Especially this one.

Right, listen very carefully. I shall say this only once.

The forger, Monsieur LeClerc, will arrive tomorrow.

You will pass him off as a cousin, who has come to help you in the restaurant.

He will need papers.

He is a forger. He will make his own papers.

Of course. How quickly I have lost the thread of this tapestry of intrigue.

Two British airmen are in a farmhouse twenty miles from here.

They will arrive in four days, disguised as onion sellers.

But onions are not in season!

That is how you will know they are the airmen.

You will conceal them until Monsieur LeClerc ...

...has prepared their papers.

Now, did my men come to fix the radio transmitter?

Yes! They have put it in the attic room.

It is the room of my mother.

It is the only place where nobody goes unless they have to.

But I wish to speak with you about that, it is not very convenient.

Show me.

Follow me.

One moment... is your wife's mother prepared to die for France?

She's been prepared to die for thirty years,...

...but she doesn't go! I think God does not want the aggravation.

Visitors, Mamma!

What is it?

Visitors to see you.

I do not want to see anybody. Tell them to come back tomorrow.

They can't! It's the Resistance.

I do not need any assistance.

No! It is The French Resistance!

You fool! Do you want the whole town to hear?

Where is the transmitter?

We won't be long, mother.

You see what I mean? It is not very convenient.

Where is the speaker?

That is the other problem.

You see? I cannot make her understand that she must not use this one.

She must use the one in the cupboard.

You must use this!

I do not want to go.

No, but when you do, you must use this one!

In front of strangers? Never!

Yvette, have you fixed up the aerial and the earth?

I did as I was shown.

Your men told us to use the metal bed as the aerial...

...and the water pipes as the earth.

Where is the power?

Maria, switch on the power.

You fools! You have earthed my wife's mother!

All right, all right, I give in! I DO want to go!

Pretty place, France. Don't you think so, Fairfax?

Napoleon planted all these trees, you know?

Wonder he found time to fight any battles.

He didn't do it personally, fathead.

He had them planted to keep the sun off his troops,...

...while they were marching up and down.

Have you noticed, whenever we pass...

...these peasant people, they seem to stare at us in rather an odd way?

Maybe it's because you're riding a girl's bicycle.

I think perhaps we're doing something wrong.

Fairfax, I think I've cracked it.

We're riding on the wrong side of the road!

Yvette, back room!

Check that door.


Check the window.


Did anybody see you leave the bar?



Ren?, have you told your wife about us yet?

No! No, we must wait until the war is over.

But the war might go on forever!

No, no no. The British will set us free one day.

It may take years, but they will come.

Hello? Is anyone here?


The British, they are here!


Well, yes. But it will take more than two...

...before I tell the wife.

Are you expecting us, by any chance?

What does he say?

I don't know. I don't speak English.

Neither do I.

We wish... to talk... to Monsieur Ren?.

?Ah! Ren?.

We... We, British... uh... come from the sky... shot down... Aha-ha-ha-ha!

British. God save our greatest king...

I have it! They are the airmen. But they are two days too soon.

You are two days too soon!

What's he say?

I don't know. Never understood a word of the language.

You... are two days... too soon.

Too soon!

What's he going on about?

I think he wants your watch before he lets us in.

Too soon!

You'd better give it to him, we can't stand out here forever.

Grasping French twit! They left us stranded at Dunkirk, you know?

If we have to give him a watch to get us through the window,...

...god knows what he'll want before we get food!

Why has he given me his watch?

Maybe the British are grateful because we fought...

...the Germans while they ran away at Dunkirk?

You had best keep it, they might be offended.

Thank you!

He's pocketing the damn thing!

I don't want them here! This place is crawling with Germans.

What am I going to do with them?

We must hide them until we talk to Michelle.

"Hide them", she says... where am I going to hide them?

What are they talking about?

I don't know. Perhaps they're thinking of some way to get your watch.

I don't know about you, but I'm damned peckish.

Me, hungry.


What is wrong with him?

I think he has the toothache.

We can't risk taking them to a dentist.

No dentist.

That's definite enough, no food.

Told you he wanted the watch.

Here you are, you mercenary frog!

Thank you.

What do you make of that?

Perhaps we're getting sardines.

How can I make them understand we have to hide them?

Leave it to me.

What do you make of that?

I think she wants me to go behind the curtains with her.

In that case, what are those for?

Maybe she's got a sticky catch on her bra.

As senior officer I think I should go first.

No, it wasn't that.

?Michelle! These two idiots are here two days too soon.

What am I going to do with them?

You must hide them.

I can't hide them. I have had no time to organize things...

...I have not yet prepared the cellar.

Then you must hide them where no one will look.

In the Caf?, under the noses of the Germans.


Go and find us a table where we will be alone...

...I have a little English. I will explain.

Okay, chaps, follow the boss!

Oh, thank god! She speaks English!

Maria, these are two British Airmen, shh... I want you to take care of them.

Both of them?

Yes, of course both of them!

At the same time? But my room is so small!

Find them a table!


Ren?, the messenger has just been, Monsieur LeClerc,...

...the forger will be here any minute.

What? Well, how will we recognize him?

He will come to the bar and order a cognac.

He will then ask for a light... you will say you have no matches...

...then he will reveal himself.

Cognac... light... no matches.

Good! I will stay here in case he arrives.

Should I sing another song?


We're in enough trouble already.

Hans, you see that officer there? I do not recognize him.

Perhaps he's on leave from the Russian Front?

That's what they all say.

Watch him. He could be attached to Intelligence.

If he finds out we've been putting a little away for a rainy day,...

...things could get very difficult for us.

Perhaps we should move the silver and the paintings?

Never mention the silver and the paintings!

Ahh! Herr Patron, may an old man sing a few songs...

...for your customers?


Oh, please. I am an old soldier. No money, no pension.

Oh, all right, one song only, then on your way, eh?

Good evening, Herr Lieutenant. What is your pleasure?

I would like a cognac, if you please?

Maria, cognac for the officer.

If you would like to, eh...

Why not, why not?

L... I... I expect you would like a light?

Thank you, you're very kind.

I have no matches.

Then why do you ask me if I would like a light?

I'm very sorry.

If you have no matches... if you have no matches, take mine. I have a spare box.

Are you one of them?

Well, it... it was very lonely on the Russian front.

A cognac, if you please?

Maria, a cognac.

Do you have a light?

What do you want a light for? I just lit it.

Well, I don't want a light, I just wondered... if he had a light.

I have no matches.

I've just given you some matches!

These are your matches! They're not my matches.

Is he one of us?

No, he's one of them!

Please do not tell everybody!

This is Colonel Von Strohm's secretary speaking.

The Colonel is requiring three kilos of butter, two kilos of sugar,...

...ten liters of paraffin and twenty liters of gasoline.

Yes, you're right. It was the egg whisk again.

It is not much to look at, Herr Colonel?

Hans, you ignorant peasant,...

...this is probably the first cuckoo clock ever made.

Absolutely priceless. And this...

...this is "The Fallen Madonna" by Van Klomp.

It will fetch a fortune after the war.

Is it wise to have it in your office?

Who will see it, apart from Helga?

Come to think of it... it looks a little like Helga.

You too?

Is this the office of Colonel von Strohm?

Yes. Have you an appointment?

My name is Otto Flick, Gestapo.

Ah, you don't need an appointment.

I will tell the Colonel that you're here.

Stop! Your top button is undone.

Yes, Herr Flick?

Attend to it.

Yes, Herr Flick.

Stop. Your right stocking is also crooked.

Yes, Herr Flick.

Attend to it.

Yes, Herr Flick.

Stop. Your right stocking is also crooked.

Yes, Herr Flick.

Attend to it.

Yes, Herr Flick.

Colonel, a man from the Gestapo is here to see you.


Did he say what for?

No, but he notices everything.

Keep him busy for a minute.

Colonel... in the drawer!

- Quick Hans, the clock!
- The clock!

Herr Colonel, Herr Otto Flick.

Heil Hitler!

Heil Hitler!

This is my assistant, Captain Hans Geering.

He seems very young to be here,...

...why is he not at the front?

He has many medical problems.

My orders are directly from Berlin, from the F?hrer, himself.

The Ch?teau Fontenac is in your district.

It has come to his attention that in the Fontenac collection...

...is "The Fallen Madonna" by Van Klomp.

The F?hrer would like this for his collection.

But I have bad news.

When I visited the ch?teau, it had already been taken away.

Along with one or two other... valuable pieces.

It is the French. They pinch everything.

I shall remain in the district until it is found.

You will instigate searches immediately.

Very good, Herr Flick

You will report progress tomorrow at... what time shall we say?

Five o'clock, Herr Flick?

Very well, at five o'clock tomorrow. Heil Hitler.

- Heil Hitler.
- Clop.

Now, closer... closer.

- What's he up to now?
- I don't know.

I think it's for our false identity papers.

'Allo, 'allo, this is Nighthawk.

Can you hear me, can you hear me? Over.

Of course I can hear you!

Not you! Shut up.

'Allo, 'allo? Pass your message.

What is the code to tell them that...

...the British airmen have arrived?

The little cupboard is full.

What? What is that?

The little cupboard is full.

No, no, no. I have not used it all the day.

'Allo, 'allo? Listen carefully, Nighthawk.

Here is your message.

Get the code book, the code book!

Aunt Elo?se and her sister will arrive on Thursday. Over.

Look up "Aunt Elo?se".

We have no Aunt Elo?se.

"Aunt Elo?se," this means "two airmen".

"Two airmen".

They cannot have this bed.

Look up "Thursday".

"Thursday" means... "Thursday"?

That's today! And we have not got rid of the other two yet.

They must get a move on down there.

Oh, Ren?... Do not leave me like this!

Shut up!

Monsieur LeClerc, I have a problem.

How soon before the papers are finished,...

...so I can get rid of these two?

There is printing, the signatures, and the stamps...

Ten days.

Ten days?!

But I've got another two airmen arriving any minute.

I must get rid of these two!

It's not possible!

Oh my God!

- What's going on now?
- Oh, they flap about anything the geezers.

Ren?, Colonel Von Strohm is upstairs. He is in a panic.

He wishes to see you immediately.


If he finds these two here we'll all be shot!

Good god! You know what this means?

Hitler's upstairs!

My dear Colonel, what can I do for you?

This is a matter of great delicacy.

You are in possession of German butter, sugar, paraffin and gasoline...

...for which you can be shot!

But you gave them to me.

Your word against mine.

Your word against his.

However, I'm prepared to overlook this,...

if you will agree to hide a few little articles...

...and a worthless picture from the ch?teau.

Is it the reclining Madonna with the big boobies?

How did you know about this?

Well, I told you where it was,...

...in return for the motorcycle, the chocolate and the fact that you were going to shoot me.

Well, I have to hide it again, the Gestapo are looking for it.

You will put it in your cellar.

W-w-w-well, what if they find it?

They will shoot you.

Then why should I hide it?

Because if you don't, I will have you shot,...

...for the butter, the sugar, the paraffin, and the gasoline.

I will be glad when this war is over.

Mar?a, Yvette, take these worthless parcels and put them in the cellar.

Oh my god, the British Airmen are here already.

Jacques, Pierre, my old friends!

Wine on the house for my old friends, Jacques and Pierre,...

...the onion sellers.

You are very kind, monsieur. But my name is Claude,...

...this is Alex. This is our first visit here.

Well, in that case, you can pay for your own wine.

Where did they go?

They went down the cellar to make sure it was not too damp...

...for the reclining Madonna with the big boobies.

Oh, my god. You'd better brush up on "The Marseillaise".

Psst. I say, chaps. I've news for you.

Two more British Airmen are coming here very soon.

Oh, good show. What are their names? Do we know them?

- She's gone!
- They don't hang about, do they?

I say! That's a jolly good disguise.

Yes, where did you get the togs?

Did you clobber a couple of jerries?

Mosieur Ren?, what are these Englishmen doing here?

Ren?, Otto Flick from the Gestapo is upstairs.


How very convenient!

I've got a nasty feeling he's not one of us.

Harboring escaping British prisoners, hmm?

When I tell the Gestapo what I have found,...

...I will get a medal for this.

And what about the picture?

I will say you stole it and concealed it.

But Colonel, the Gestapo will take the picture back to Berlin,...

...and then "pffft" goes your pension.

I think Ren? has a very good point, Herr Colonel.

Keep them quiet. I will deal with the Gestapo.

Have you found the treasure?

We have just searched the cellar. Not a smell of it!

Continue to look. I shall not return to Berlin...

...until the picture is found.

Heil Hitler!

- Heil Hitler!
- Clop!

Gilles! Pierre! Jacques! Emile! my old friends,...

...come in, come in, sit down, sit down. Wine on the house...

...for my old friends, Pierre, Emile, Jacques and Gilles.

There are suddenly in this town many onion sellers.

It is a festival, Herr Flick.

Every year, they gather in the town,...

...to examine each other's onions.

They do the dance of the onions,...

...and at midnight, they have the feast of the onions...

...where they just eat and eat all the onions.

It sounds very strange to me.

By three o'clock in the morning, it sounds unbelievable.

Until tomorrow, Colonel.

Heil Hitler!

Heil Hitler!

Heil Hitler!

Why not?

Monsieur Ren?, I have just saved your life.

I am eternally grateful, Colonel.

And from now on, I give the orders,...

...and you will listen to every word very carefully, and obey every detail.

Anything you say, Colonel.

Yvette will be in room six...

...in one hour, with the wet celery and the flying helmet...

And the feather duster?


What about the egg whisk?

No egg whisk, Ren?.

The electric mixer! With two speeds!