Alleyn Mysteries (1990–1994): Season 2, Episode 2 - Dead Water - full transcript

𝒯𝓇𝒶𝓃𝓈𝓁𝒶𝓉e 𝓊𝓃𝒾𝒸𝒶𝓉 E𝒩𝒢LI𝒮H

Bloody dictators!

Indeed

Frustrating and
mildly irritating

I've seen the way his
bully boys jackboot

their way around the
country as if they own it

- If Hitler marches in...
- They will own it

Make no mistake, Tommy,

His Majesty's Government can't
do a damn thing about it

Can't?

Or won't?



We're a peace-loving
democracy, old boy,

which means, in a
crisis, we invariably

do things too
little and too late

Cheers

Come in

- Yes, Barker, what is it?
- Captain Evans has turned up something

I think you should
know about, Excellency

Ludovic!

How are you?

Come in

Oh, yes

Come in. Close the door

Oh, Kettle, you
sadist, that hurt!

Sorry



So I should damn well think

What are you trying to do to me?

I am trying, Your Ladyship,
to get this toe right

You should have had
treatment a week ago

Yes, I know, I know, I know

Other things

Other people to worry... about

- Mam?
- Well?

Tommy is here

Well?

Well, he's outside.
He wants to see Papa

More to the point, Gerald,
your father wants to see him

But...

But what?

He's got to be stopped

Tommy Cartarette is your
father's closest friend

This is probably the last
time they'll see each other

I got word you wanted to see me

Only you, Tommy

No-one else

"The old order changeth"?

"Yielding place to new"

Caught the Old 'Un yet?

Not yet

The cunning beggar

The finest trout in England

I had hoped to land him,
myself, one day, but...

The memoirs?

My life in a parcel

You, Tommy, you take it.
See it's published

Why me?

The only one I can trust

Is there a snag?

Why not let...?

Don't let me down. Not now

It hasn't been easy, Tommy

Chapter 17

I've done a bit of revision

Chief Inspector Alleyn

Oh, hello

Yes, I should think so

It would have to be lunch

Yes, all right

Fine

I'll see you then

Sir?

Nothing like having friends
in high places, is there?

I'm sorry, sir, I
don't understand

No

I'm sure you don’t

Thomasina?

Sweetheart!

Thomasina!

Mark, darling, don’t make it
harder than it already is

- Daddy needs looking after
- All right

If you say so. But he's got your
stepmother. Why does it have to be you?

- Well, surely, Kitty...
- Because

Yes?

Because Kitty's...

You must have noticed

When it comes down to
it, I'm all he's got

Where's Rose?

Oh, I don’t know. I
haven't seen her

Croquet, I think

I've just made some tea

- Would you like one?
- No, thanks

A drink?

No, I've... got some work to do

Just as you like

If anyone wants me, Kitty,
I'll be in the study

Swevenings 25

Gerald

"So roll on the Rodney,
The Nelson, Renown,

This three-funneled bastard
is getting me down"

Good afternoon, sir

My brother, Sir George
Alleyn, is expecting me

Sign, please

Thank you

- Sunny?
- Sunny Ranjan Chaudhury

You know, in my house at Eton

A bit before my time

Thank you, Stanley

Over here for the conference, you know.
Awfully nice chap

I don't doubt it, but...?

Well, all the senior
chappies from each country

have bodyguards assigned to them

As you must know
better than anyone?

Yes

And, knowing you were my brother,
Sunny asked for you, Rory

Naturally

Damn it all, George,
any competent

detective sergeant
could do that job

Yes, but...

I am actually a Detective
Chief Inspector

But of course you are

Cheers

Drink up, Rory

You've nobbled the Assistant
Commissioner, haven't you?

Lunch?

- Like this?
- Yes, well...

The weight equally on...
on both feet

Not that you've got much
of that to worry about

- What?
- Well, you know

Weight

Hang on a second. You...

You need to...

get your hands

closer together

More like this, you see?

Like this?

Now... erm... Do I
give it a whack?

My God, Kitty

If only you weren't married

Yes, I know, Gerald, but I
am and, for all we know,

he might be watching
us this very minute

So don't you think we ought
to get on with our lesson?

Yes. Of course.
Anything you say, Kitty

Good

Like this?

It's over there

Oh, dear

Oh, I'm a cook and a captain bold
and the mate of the Nancy brig

And a bosun tight
and a midshipmate

And the crew of
the captain's gig

Lovely. Hector, don’t
push, don’t push

That's no way to
treat a lady friend

Now, don’t run off,
Marmaduke, please

Now, come along, eat up nicely

Now, one, two,
three, four, five...

One, two, three, four, five...
We're one missing

Thomasina

Where are you?

Where are you hiding, Thomasina?

Bastard!

Damn!

We have an absconder

An absentee

A truant

Let me know when you've
finished playing nursemaid

I'll find you a real job to do

No rush, of course

Take as much time as you like

Sunny

Not for much longer, sir

I'm delighted, delighted
to have you, of course

It was most generous of
Georgie to arrange it

Not at all, sir

Of course, I shall be very busy
during the days, naturally

- Naturally - But
in the evenings...

You must tell me, Rory, what
do you do in the evenings?

Sir?

Well, I have an idea
that might amuse you

Swevenings

My kingdom

My land

My people

Justice

All of them

Justice

Dr Mark! Dr Mark!

Dr Mark! Sir!

Dr Mark!

- A brandy? Old-fashioned, but...
- Yes, it may help

Grandfather?

He's taken a little

Vic...

Is there... anything I can do?

You only have to say

Vic...

Vic...

The Vicar, Hal?

Do you want the vicar?

Darling...

Why on earth would
I want to see him?

Absolutely preposterous!

I'm trying to consider posterity

Wait for me outside, William

.. there's absolutely
no mention of it

I just refuse to
believe that my father

would entrust such an
important decision to you

I'm sorry, Gerald

Sorry?

I've thought about it, very
carefully, and I must go ahead

And publish?

And do what your father wished

My father is dead and buried

It's not a job I relish

Good. Then you can do the decent
thing and throw that lot in the fire

I will do no such thing

- I have to consider others
- Others!

Do you mean to stand
there and tell me

I can't dissuade you from
this disastrous action?

Have you thought of the
consequences to me?

To the Lacklander name?

I never thought a gentleman,

and a Swevenings
gentleman to boot,

would fail to see
where his duty lies

I don’t need you, Gerald,
to tell me about duty

Oh, do you not?

Well, you can be clear
about one thing

This has put an end
to any understanding

that might exist between
my son and your daughter

What?

I've stated my position

I am disappointed in you,
Cartarette, deeply disappointed

I warn you...

.. unless you can find some way
to reconsider your decision,

we have nothing more
to say to each another

You must bear the consequences

I've always rather
liked you, Gerald

But, the fact is,
you're a pompous ass

Always have been

Good day to you

I'm wondering if I'll
ever get through a day

without having a row with one or
other of my confounded neighbours

You know what they're like

They've been living in one another's
pockets since before the Conquest

They are about as interesting
as a vicarage tea party

Having rows is their only fun

Gerald Lacklander

On his high horse.
Dammed offensive

And that's not all

He says there's something going on
between Rose and that boy of his - Mark

Do you know anything about it?

Darling, I should think everybody
in Swevenings knows about that

Well, I didn’t! Why didn’t
you say something to me?

- I'd like to know who told Gerald
- Oh, well, I think I may have done

Perhaps I said something
during one of the golf lessons

Darling?

You don’t think I'm playing
false with Gerald, do you?

This is terrible, terrible

Every day for a week,
it's been the same

You've lost too much money, Rory

That's all right, sir.
Don't give it a thought

Is something the matter, Gerald?

What?

Well, lately, something
seems to be worrying you

Well?

Still as stiff as a board

And twice as painful

That's lumbago for you

Comes and goes

Time you got yourself
married, Commander

What?

Then your wife
could take this on

Save me a job

As far as I'm concerned,
Phinn, it's poaching!

Poaching!

And you should be
ashamed of yourself!

Yes. There we were. The Cumberland.
The South Atlantic

Going like bats out of hell

To get there before
it was all over

We were too late

By the time we got there,
the Graf Spee's skipper

had scuttled his ship

This is you, isn't it?

What?

You, Commander,
with Mrs Cartarette

Henry knew what he
wanted, Hermione

Did he?

Do you think, Tommy,
that it ever crossed

his mind what we might want?

It can only do harm to all of us

Now, surely, you can see that

I mean, what did Hal think
he was trying to do?

Well?

I... think he was
trying to be fair

- Now?
- Now

This is a murder job and
you've been hand-picked for it

Really, sir?

No, Alleyn, not by me

By Hermione, Lady
Lacklander, who...

- Lacklander?
- Who asked for you, personally

Widow of Sir Henry

Another butter-wouldn’t-melt-in-my-mouth
ambassadorial chums?

Well, I knew him, sir, yes

Well, what are you
standing about here for?

But erm... what about...?

Ranjan Chaudhury is no
longer your concern

I'll make your excuses
to the gentleman

Sir

- By the way, sir - What?

He does enjoy the
odd game of poker

Does he?

The thing is, he's
absolutely hopeless

Hasn't got a clue

May we come in?

Why, yes

I can't beat about the
bush, my dear, I...

Oh, Lord, this is not
going to be easy

For me? Or...?

It's Tommy

I'm afraid it's the
worst kind of news

Pardon?

Nunspardon

The name of the house

In a village called Swevenings

Oh, yeah

I used to go there as a boy

The perfect English landscape

Woods, meadows

As far as the eye can see

The ancestral home
of the Lacklanders

A highly inappropriate name, sir

Just read the map, Brer

The Colonel was with Sir Henry
in foreign parts before the War

All the Swevenings' families, well,
the gentry, that is, hereabouts,

the Lacklanders, the Phinns,
the Syces, the Cartarettes,

- one way or another, they're all connected
- Are they?

A piece of advice, sir

Nudge one and you nudge 'em all

I'll bear it in mind,
Sergeant Oliphant

The deceased, sir

And PC Gripper

- PC Gripper - Evening

Poor devil

That looks nasty

What do you make of the wound?

Some sort of... hammer?

Extraordinary! Look
at the size of it!

- Lookes like Moby Dick!
- That's the Old 'Un

What?

They've been trying for
him for a long time

You'll go a long way before you
see a finer trout than that, sir

I understand there's a lot
of rivalry amongst fishermen

That's right, sir

If a man could be that
single-minded, he might...

Inspector

If this poor fellow was
killed for his catch...

.. why is it still here?

Why? I don't...

I don’t understand why

I ought to...

I mean, it's so late, I...

I ought to thank you
all for coming over

If there's anything I can
do, anything at all...

.. you just have to say the word

I suppose I ought
to do something...

.. just to take my mind off it

I just keep visu...
visualising...

Look...

I hate to bother you with
this now, of all times,

but...

As the police will be
along any minute...

The police? Yes. Of course

- The police - Yeah

Well, it's erm...

what we were talking about

If you could spare
a moment to...

.. have another look for it

- Is that Hammer Farm?
- That's right, Inspector

Not that it's been a farm
for I don't know how long

- Who's up there now?
- Let's see

Nurse Kettle. That's the district
nurse, as found the deceased

Lady Lacklander, of course

Her son Gerald

Sir Gerald, he is now, by rights

Her grandson Mark,

our young doctor, who's sweet on
the deceased's daughter, Rose

And Rose herself

Oh, and not forgetting the
widow, Kitty, Mrs Cartarette

You've got the whole bally lot up
there, waiting for us, at this hour?

- Yes, sir - I'm impressed

All except for one, sir.
Commander Syce

You won't get anything
out of him, sir

- Why is that?
- He's inebriated, sir

What's that? There

Well, I wonder who does
their reading by moonlight

Someone else has caught a fish

One of Mr Phinn's
creatures, no doubt

He's crackers on
cats is Mr Phinn

I'm sorry to force myself upon
you at a time of shock and grief

Look here, Alleyn,
it's pretty damn late

If we're to find out who
did this terrible thing...

- Couldn’t we do this in the morning?
- Gerald

There are some questions
I should ask now,

while memories are freshest

Very sensible

We're in your hands, Roderick,
so tell us what you want

and we'll do our best,

all of us, to get it for you

Thank you, Lady Lacklander

But if you want my
opinion as to why or how

it happened, I haven't got one

Mrs Cartarette?

No, I...

It seems so unlikely

Well, it must be a
stranger, not a local chap

Nobody we know would
do a thing like this

So, the Colonel had no enemies?

There were no grudges,
feuds, anything like that?

Nurse Kettle, you found
the body, I understand

- At what time?
- Just before nine

Now, with your help, I'd like to
get as close as I can to the time

At the time it happened.
I'd like to ask you all,

if any of you were
anywhere near the Colonel,

within, say, a couple of hours
of nine o'clock and, if so...

What the devil are
you driving at?

Gerald, do be quiet or
we'll be here all night

If so, did you see anybody
else in the vicinity?

Well, as a matter of fact, I
wasn't too far away myself

The Colonel and I had arranged
a meeting for eight o'clock

It was a private matter

In my experience, Lady Lacklander,
in situations like this,

very little remains private

And we may as well all face it

Be that as it may,

I heard the Colonel having words

Words?

With Octavius Phinn

He lives at Jacob's Cottage

They were always at it, Mr
Alleyn, but it was nothing

Nothing?

Nothing out of the ordinary.
Daddy and Occy

were always rowing
over the fishing

You've got to face it, the man's
an unconscionable blackguard

Colonel Cartarette rented the
fishing rights below the bridge

and Occy Phinn the
stretch above it

Yes, and when it came to
catching the Old 'Un,

he damn well let his cast drift under
the bridge into Cartarette's water

Oh, for God’s sake, Gerald, what
can it possibly matter now?

You may very well be
right, Mrs Cartarette

And you saw this, Sir Gerald?

Yes. Second tee

Deliberate poaching

And you, Lady Lacklander,
heard a subsequent quarrel?

About half past seven

They were both on the bridge,
swearing like troopers

Poaching! You should be
ashamed of yourself!

Ashamed?

Thoroughly ashamed

There's only one way
you caught that -

fishing in my water!

If you believe that, and there
isn't an iota of truth in it,

you can keep the
damn thing yourself!

I wouldn’t accept it now
from you, even as a gift!

And Cartarette said, "I
wouldn’t be seen dead with it"

That old fish? I never
heard such a fuss

So, it was Mr Phinn who caught
the Old 'Un and you saw him?

Yes

Did he see you?

No, he couldn’t possibly have

What, did you tackle him?

Tackle him? What about?

About his poaching

No, no, no, no, no.
Certainly not

We were too disgusted

You didn’t look particularly
disgusted from where I was

Oh, Gerald

Well, Occy went home
in a huff, Tommy found

me painting, and that
was the end of that

When exactly was that?

About twenty to eight.
We had our meeting...

Ah, yes, your... your
"private" meeting

- But... erm...
- Yes, Sir Gerald?

What happened to the Old 'Un?

Well, that's a very
interesting question

It must be where Occy
left it, on the bridge

No

What do you mean, no?

At this minute, it's lying
beside Colonel Cartarette's body

Your father must have
come back for it

When I crossed the bridge,
at ten past, it wasn't there

No. It's not the kind
of thing he’d do at all

So, this remarkable fish

leapt off the bridge, swam down the river
and leapt onto the bank beside the Colonel

It's a bit of a tall story

But if a dead trout didn’t
move under its own steam...

.. then who did move it?

Well, I'm sorry to have
kept you all up so late

and I'm afraid we'll be
here a day or two longer

- A waste of time - I hope not

Plain as a pikestaff who did it

- Not plain to me, Sir Gerald
- Or me

What is it, Gerald?

- There was someone out there
- I can't see

Gotcha!

What are you doing? What are you doing?
Who are you? What...?

Well

Occy

I'm looking for a fish

I'm very sorry to intrude
on you at this late hour,

but I was hoping to
find Colonel Cartarette

Mr Phinn?

Octavius Danberry Phinn. Yes

We are police officers

and we're investigating the
murder of Colonel Cartarette

No

Oh, no

Oh, this is terrible

My dears

What can I say? I'm appalled

Mr Phinn, if you please

I'd like you to tell us now about
this fish you're looking for

Don't worry about that.
Lock him up!

Gerald, shut up

It's of no account,
of no account, at all

Nevertheless

I bow to authority

The fish, I call the Old 'Un,

is... was famous

A magnificent trout. Renowned

And, this evening,

above...

above Bottom Bridge

I succeeded where scores
before me had failed

I caught him

You... bloody liar!

You poached him!

Under, under the
bridge, under it!

No!

Now, gentlemen, don’t
let's get excited

Thank you, Sir Gerald

What happened to your catch?

I left it

Above Bottom Bridge

I see

It's not there now, is it?

No

Later on, Inspector, I returned

How much later, sir?

I haven't the least idea.
I don’t carry a watch

Much later,

I returned

to find that my prince
of fish had gone

Oh, come off it,
Occy, you know...

Lady Lacklander, if you please!

After you discovered
your loss, sir?

I went home

Utterly mortified

I tried to read. I found no comfort
anywhere, not even with my cats

And then,

recalling that a
fellow angler...

Oh, poor Cartarette

.. might be interested, and seeing
that lights were still burning...

No! I can't listen to
another minute of this

Occy, you are an old humbug

This evening I heard you
and Tommy Cartarette

having the most awful row...

- Lady Lacklander...
- about the Old 'Un

Well...

Well?

Mr Phinn,

do you wear glasses?

For reading, Inspector, yes.
Why?

One more thing, it
would be most helpful

if you’d all agree to
have Inspector Fox

take your fingerprints

All of us? Why?

You know, Roderick,

if someone is going to be
treated like a criminal,

it might as well be
by somebody civilized

Lady Lacklander, I shall
pursue the Colonel's killer

with the same diligence I would
if he were a Billingsgate porter

I've never doubted it

Your meeting with the
Colonel this evening

That was both private
and domestic

It had nothing to do
with Tommy's death

Thank you

Perhaps you can tell me this

When you heard the Colonel and Mr
Phinn quarrelling about the trout,

did they talk about
anything else?

No

Good night, Chief Inspector

Come along, Gerald,
I'm getting cold

- Sir Gerald?
- What?

- Plain as a pikestaff?
- What?

The identity of the
Colonel's killer

Oh, yeah

That disgusting little sewer
rat, Phinn, of course

Use thumbscrews

He'll talk

Good night

But who'd want to
do such a thing?

Here

Was anything bothering
him, particularly?

Yes

But it's private

No use to you at all

Are you sure?

If you say so

Did your father keep
anything special in here?

Just his papers

I know this is very painful for you,
but the last time you saw him...?

He was going over
to Jacob's Cottage

He wanted to see Occy Phinn

Have you any idea what about?

I think it was something
to do with publishing...

a book he was working on

A book?

Do you know...?

No, no, I don't

It was something to do with
the old days, before the War

Daddy wanted Occy's opinion

And if we have a number of
people to be questioned...

His Lordship does the
gentry and you do the rest

Something like that, yes

Now, this bloke with
the bow and arrow

Commander Syce. And a gentleman

He knew Mrs Cartarette before
she married the Colonel?

Yes

Close, were they?

The Commander and
the Colonel's wife

You'll have to ask him that

Don't worry, Mrs
Kettle, we shall

And it's Miss Kettle,

if you don't mind

Oh, no

I don’t mind at all

Now, this evening, erm...
when you found the body

It was the worst ten
minutes of my life

Mr Fox, you don’t
take me for a fool?

Certainly not

You needn't believe me,

but while I was there,

realising there was nothing I could
do for the poor gentlemen, I, well...

I had the feeling...

the certain, sure feeling

I was being watched

I believe you

Now...

I understand...

there's money in the family

Oh, do you?

Been talking to Tibby
Oliphant, I don't doubt

Well, let me tell you, it was all
Rose's mother's, not the Colonel's

She was an heiress and a beauty

Died giving birth to Rose

So, erm... the Colonel?

Lived on his pension

Never touched a penny
of his wife's money

He was a decent man, Mr Fox

And er... all the money will
go straight to Miss Rose?

The day she is 25

It's all in trust

The erm... young Doctor?

He's the late Sir Henry's
grandson, you know

And er... he's taken a shine
to Miss Rose, I believe

They'll make a lovely couple

Now, the Doctor,

he's got no money of his own, apart
from that which he makes doctoring

What are you
suggesting, Inspector?

Oh, bless you, I'm not
suggesting anything

Except you make a
first-rate cuppa,

Miss Kettle

It's been forced

Be nice to know why

Would you care to place a small bet
on whose prints we might find?

A bob it's our Mr Phinn

Half a crown it's not

If anything occurs to you,
don't hesitate to telephone

We're staying at
the Boy And Donkey

Mrs Cartarette, if it's
any consolation...

.. be assured we'll find
your husband’s killer

Thank you

Good night

- Good night, ma'am - Good night

Curtis?

Well, er... seen alive at a quarter
to eight, found dead at nine

- That's about right -
What about the weapon?

Difficult to say. You've got this
deep depression in the left temple

Your classic blunt instrument

But, in the middle,
you've got this neat hole

- Two weapons?
- Possibly

Stunned by the first blow?

Certainly killed by the second

Thank you

I'll be off, then. I'll let you have
my findings as soon as possible

Thank you, Curtis

Must have been squatting
here, facing the river

Come on, Brer, have a go

Coshed

By a left-hander,
standing behind him

Or erm...

a right-hander standing
in front of him

In the river?

Well, I'm only
trying to be helpful

A magnificent fish

Yes, well, I prefer
mine in batter

Let's have a look

Good heavens!

What's that?

It looks like a piece of skin

Well, this monster is unmarked

So where is that from?

Another trout?

Well, where is it now?

What is this place coming to?

Before you know where you are,

there's poaching, murder

Two trout

Wait a minute

Yes

Right, Brer, your turn

- Me, sir?
- Yes

Alive or dead?

Oh, alive, squatting

Examining your catch

All right

Put some life into it

Oh, yes, sir

Splendid!

Oh, yes? On holiday, are we?

On the other hand, if the
killer was standing here...

Like I said, someone
right-handed

Well, yes, but someone
in front of him

Someone he knew

That leaves a pretty
open field, I'd say

How long is it since
you were in a punt?

Longer ago than I
care to remember

Right. Who first?

Syce

Phinn, I think

Syce!

I say, who the hell is that?

Come on. Out of it

Can't you read? Signs everywhere.
"Keep off!"

Were you trying to kill us, sir?

Certainly not. Had
a bit of a misfire

What the hell are you two doing
in the firing line, anyway?

Commander Syce?

That's me. Who are you?

Well, I'm not the
Sheriff of Nottingham

Murder?

A hole in the left
side of his temple

Big enough to put a finger in

- A gunshot?
- No

But a hole, just the same

God

Poor old Cartarette

Care for a snort?

No, thank you

Mind if I do?

Who’d do a thing like that, eh?

He was your neighbour, Commander.
How did you get on?

- Me?
- Yes

A man of principles

Not many like him left

I liked the fella

No rows, sir? No quarrels?

None

As quiet as a mouse

Not like that gibbering
halfwit on my other side

Mr Phinn, would that be, sir?

Cartarette and I...

He spent most of his waking
hours down at the river

The fact is, we had
nothing in common

Nothing, sir?

What are you getting at?

Colonel Cartarette's wife

Widow. Kitty

I understand you knew her in the
Far East, at the end of the War

Knew her intimately

Sir!

You could probably tell
us all we need to know

- Fish?
- Not this time, no

Mr Phinn

I’d be gratifying to think you've come
to make yourself agreeable to my cats

But er... the baleful look in
your eye tells me otherwise

Good morning. You’d
better come inside

That ruffian Syce!

Crazy, blood-lusting drunkard!

He slaughtered my
lovely Thomasina's mama

Really?

And coming home, yesterday
evening, after my...

my skirmish with the
unfortunate Cartarette...

.. I myself was almost
impaled by an arrow

What time would that be, sir?

I heard the church clock strike
a quarter to eight, precisely

Curious

Why so?

Oh, because at about that time,

Nurse Kettle was apparently treating the
Commander for lumbago, but no matter

The Scaly Breed

Thomas Cartarette?

Yes, he's... was an authority

Mr Phinn... your...

fishing rod, creel and so on,

may I see them?

- What, everything?
- Please

Now?

And your togs,

your suit, shoes, waders

Ah! Traces of blood

By all means, Inspector,

and much good may they do you

I'll give you a hand, sir

"It's not perhaps generally known that
the scales of no two trout are alike,

in the same way that no two sets
of human fingerprints ever match

Criminal trout may leave
incriminating evidence behind,

which might fairly be termed

"scales of justice"

May I borrow this?

Borrow? Yes

Here is everything, Inspector

I wish you joy of them

I'll give you a receipt, sir

Your son?

Yes

Long since departed to
that "undiscovered country

from whose bourn no
traveller returns"

The War?

A casualty of the War, yes

I'm sorry

Mr Phinn...

.. your... skirmish
with the Colonel...

.. was fishing its only cause?

If not,

it would have been
a private matter

You see, I understand that,
last night, Colonel Cartarette

came to see you about a book
he was hoping to publish,

about the old days

As I said, Inspector,

a private matter

Last night, I also found these not
far from Colonel Cartarette's body

I am...

I am a timid man, Inspector

Chief Inspector...

.. if you don't mind, sir

I say only this, Chief Inspector

I am a timid man

But an innocent one

- Well done, Sergeant - Dragged
into long grass he was

Where are the chips?

What do you think, Brer?

Well...

- Remains to be seen
- Remains, anyway

That cut, I reckon, sir

That looks promising

- Have you got that bit of skin, Sergeant?
- Sir

No

- There we are -
Our second trout

Yes, but what about these?

These holes. Here

They weren't made by
a catch, were they?

Oh, one more thing, sir

This was found at the
bottom of the hill

It's blood

Perhaps we need more time

Well... erm...

There's no hurry

I can wait

As long as you like

Oh, if you think...

But there must come
a time, surely...

.. when, instead of doing
what other people want,

one has to assert oneself

Other people

Always watching you,
wanting something

Ruddy committees, charities

It's the name, you see

Lacklander

It stands for something

And it's so unfair

Gerald, darling, I'm
the first to say

that one should always
think of other people

But sometimes...

Surely...

Gerald!

Mark, dear, have you
seen your father?

Gerald!

You're right, of course,
as usual, Kitty

It's been difficult,
dammed difficult

Oh, my dear,

I could make things so
much easier for you

Gerald!

But, in the end,

we Lacklanders have to
think of other people

"Noblesse oblige", what?

If I did anything now, anything
that might make things...

more difficult...

.. it'd be like
twisting the knife

I'm grateful, you

taking it like this, but...

I must think of the
family, you see

Of course it's been
ghastly for you, ghastly

Look...

There is one thing, before
we join the others...

- No - What?

Your missing chapter

I can't find it

You're scared, aren't you?

Well, don’t worry

Perhaps you'll be lucky

Perhaps Tommy chucked
it, got cold feet

But if he didn’t, Gerald,

may it come back to haunt you

For heaven's sake, Rory

It was a damned messy affair

- There is nothing to be gained...
- By rocking the boat

I'm not asking for much. I
simply want to know the truth

The truth?

I beg of you, Rory,

for everyone's sake,

let sleeping dogs lie

The whole city was
crawling with Nazi agents

We didn’t know what
happened, exactly

Except that young Phinn

let a highly-confidential
cable get into their hands

No question he was guilty

Sir Henry, whom he idolized,

came down on him
like a ton of bricks

And...

.. the lad went out

and shot himself

It was a sad, miserable business

Thank you

So, Ludovic came to a sticky end

and the Colonel is about to
publish the old man's memoirs

Phinn knows that his son's name is
going to be dragged through the mud

So he murders Cartarette
to prevent publication

Well, perhaps

But they're all holding
something back

Yes

There's Lady L, keeping mum about
her private chat with the Colonel

There's something fishy
between Phinn and the Colonel

And Sir Gerald, he looks as though
he's got a ferret down his trousers

I don’t think Sir Gerald would notice
if he had a ferret down his trousers

Even Miss Rose and
the young Doctor

Every one of them
as jumpy as a cat

Well, there you are

"Nudge one and you
nudge them all"

Now,

it was somewhere about here,

Lady Lacklander watches Sir Gerald
giving golf lessons to Mrs Cartarette

And not just golf lessons

You don't like Sir
Gerald, do you?

Not much. No

Here we are

A shooting stick?

Yes, but wait a minute

Where have we seen that
impression before?

The left side of Colonel
Cartarette's head

You say you left this behind?

Well, of course, for
William to bring back

You don’t think I'd carry all
this stuff myself, do you?

I say, Mama!

Thank you, William

Mama, your sherry is waiting

What's all this? More of
your tommyrot, Alleyn?

That's right, Sir Gerald

Don't ask him what he wants it all
for because he won't tell you

I'm just coming

Well, get along, Gerald. He's
not going to steal the silver

All right

Are you?

Depends on how good it is

I don’t mind
admitting, Roderick,

I'd give something to know how
that corkscrew mind of yours works

By fits and starts, mostly

Devious

Like your brother

Well, we'll all be
outside, if you want us

A council of war?

Of course

We've got to protect
ourselves, somehow

What, my entire damn wardrobe?

No. Just what you... what
everyone was wearing,

when the Colonel was murdered

I can't think of
anything more disgusting

than peering over other
people's mucky clothes

But if that's what you want,
that's what you'll get

Thank you, Lady Lacklander

My skirt reeks of fish

Oh, my God

- Well, it does -
Well, I must say!

- Shouldn’t I have said?
- Yes, of course, Mrs Cartarette

Why was that?

Well, I was this
side of the bridge,

when I noticed that one of Occy's
cats had got hold of a trout

- Not the Old 'Un?
- No, Gerald, not the Old 'Un

I tried to pull it away

but I could see the cat had half eaten
it and it wasn't worth rescuing, so...

So it was the cat

Did you notice three
small holes in it?

No

Never mind

You're quite sure?

Well... Well, quite, it
was in a hopeless state

Of course

Darling, would you ask
William to get everything

packed or he'll
be here all night

Yeah, and my spiked shoes.
Get the whole kit

We were playing golf

I wore these shoes. They're
not very suitable, but...

I wore my brogues coming here.
I carried my deck shoes

- Those, too, please
- Off you go

If you don’t mind my giving
orders in my own house

- If not the whole county
- Meaning what?

Lady Lacklander,

your late husband’s memoirs

Bad luck

I take it you're all
familiar with them?

Why? Why do you assume that?

Miss Cartarette?

I thought I ought to...

No, no. I'd like
you here, please

Thank you

Lady Lacklander?

The memoirs

My husband sometimes talked
over points of fact,

factual accuracy with me,

but er... I never read them

Before he died, he passed them
over to Colonel Cartarette

Can we all agree that
it's highly likely

they contain an account
of Sir Henry's tenure

as ambassador before the War?

And that the person with the
greatest interest in that account

must be Mr Phinn

Who, because of the tragedy
that befell his son, must...

dread their publication

- Yes, but...
- Yes, Sir Gerald?

Nothing

Unless, on the other hand...

On the other hand, what?

Is it possible that Mr Phinn
might welcome their publication?

Why? Why do you say that?
Why the Devil should he?

If he knew that they would
clear his son's name

Have you spoken to Occy?

Just...

Gerald, shut up!

But, Mama, he can't
have done, otherwise...

Occy can't have said anything,
otherwise why would Alleyn be here,

asking us now?

Gerald, you complete
and utter ninny!

What?

You blithering idiot!

You haven't got the
brains you were born with

Private matters?

If only one of them, just one
of them, would come clean

But, no, they don’t want to
let the side down, do they?

The old guard in action

Close ranks. Stiff upper lips

- Blood, sir - What?

Thicker than water. Always
was, always will be

Mr Phinn

Good afternoon, Chief Inspector

I've got nothing to say to you

I want to borrow something

And there is nothing you could possibly say
to me which I would be willing to hear

Borrow?

Chapter 17 of Sir
Henry's memoirs

Then you are doomed,
alas, to disappointment

If you don’t mind, sir,
please don't waste our time

Without the express
permission of her ladyship,

the mammoth matriarch,

the Lady Brobdingnagian,

the Dowager Ton,

without her blessing...

.. my hands are tied

Lady Lacklander

I've come to confess

No. No, I beseech you

Occy,

it's taken me all my strength
to get to this point

Regarding the
notorious chapter 17

No, you mustn't

Mr Phinn, please

I want to confirm...

.. what you may
already have guessed

And I want to say...

.. that my family is
in Mr Phinn's debt

Stop before you...

Stop interrupting
Mr Phinn, please

If I don't fall at the first
fence, I shall be all right

My husband, Roderick,
was a traitor

Before the War, things were...

.. very different here

Some people...

people from families
like ours, they...

took a different view of Fascism

An Anglo-German alliance
against Communism?

A fantasy, Lady Lacklander,
indulged in by very few

My husband was one such

Oh, not in the pay
of his Nazi masters,

but morally and
intellectually in their hands

I see

So, in 1938...

.. when the contents of
a highly-damaging cable

were leaked to Nazi agents...

By a decent young man

Who was foolish enough
to get drunk...

.. and let the cable fall into their
hands that it was his job to decode

In order to hide his
own treachery...

.. Sir Henry put on a show
of ambassadorial rage

Yes

Made such threats
and accusations

that the poor lad went
out and shot himself?

Yes

My dear

You needn't...

You shouldn’t...

Occy, my husband killed your son.
I must

At the time, I...

I thought his wretched unhappiness
was due to the boy's death

And the treachery...

Ludovic was...

such a nice young man

He hero-worshipped my husband

He couldn't stand it
when Hal sent him off

Why didn’t you want
Roderick to know the truth?

Before...

Before he killed himself,

Vicky wrote to his mother,
assuring her of his innocence

And begging us to do nothing
to injure Sir Henry

I've tried to keep that faith.
I've tried to do what he asked

And I have no wish

to let the Lacklanders
suffer from...

my... dear boy's death

Occy...

Occy

You make me feel more
ashamed than I did before

Mr Phinn?

Chapter 17?

If you don’t mind, sir

No, I don’t mind

Only you're too late

Burnt to ashes

The lengths these people will
go to to protect each other

Do you know, Brer,

it makes me feel ashamed

You did your bit, sir.

"Nudge one, you nudge
them all", eh?

I tell you something, I'll turn this
valley upside down if I have to

That sounds a bit
revolutionary, sir

I think we should leave
off the politics

and get back to good
old-fashioned police work

I don’t know how long you think it
will take us to get through all that

We'll work all
night, if we have to

Just find scales from both fish

on one set of clothing
and we're home and dry

What's biting him?
Why all the fuss?

The man was only
killed last night

- Some cases he likes
- And some he doesn’t

Curtis!

These three holes

You don’t suppose,
by any chance...?

She seems like a nice woman

Oh, the salt of the earth, sir

Unlike some you
could mention, eh?

Yes, sir

Some who take advantage
of her good nature

Always the way, isn't it?

Those who take and
those who give

Like Mrs Cartarette

Go on

Yes, sir

I know some round here
would be quite happy

to let her take the blame
for what has happened

Yes, I'm afraid you're right

I can't see any of them
weeping tears for her

What the devil am I
supposed to wear now?

Sea boots and a parasol?

Do you have a dressing
gown, Commander?

In the bedroom

I'm telling you straight, Alleyn,
you're on the wrong tack

Point one. I liked Cartarette

Point two. Do you
think I'm a fool?

Do you play golf, Commander?

Sometimes

Golf shoes, as well,
please, Inspector!

Point three

If I had done him in, and the
Lord only knows why I should,

if there was any blood
on any of that stuff,

Do you think I'd
still be wearing it?

You say you liked Cartarette

How many more times,
damn it, yes, I did!

- Were you also in love with his wife?
- In love?

Did you imagine, when you introduced
them, they’d end up marrying?

No, I damn well did not

The poor little bitch

She was lonely

On her own for ages

Had a rotten time

Commander, last night, after
Nurse Kettle had left,

when you were supposed to
be laid up with lumbago...

- Supposed to be?
- You were, in fact,

twanging away outside
with your bow

Thank you, Inspector

Last night Colonel
Cartarette was killed

and there is a neat hole
in the side of his head

Yours, Commander?

It's covered in blood

It was...

It was one of Phinn's
perishing cats

It was an accident. I
didn’t mean to do it

I keep telling that half-hard, jumped-up,
Never-come-down Phinn, I like moggies

But he won't believe me.
What am I supposed to do?

Put your dressing gown on, sir

Deliberately placed against
the bruised temple...

.. and then sat on

The spike was then wiped
clean on the painting rag

from Lady Lacklander's
painting satchel

See? Traces of blood

Oh, and we found two different
types of fish scale on it

Now, was there anything
on any of these?

No. Not so far

Oh, and whose fingerprints do you suppose
we found on the Colonel's desk drawer?

- Mrs Cartarette's - Phinn's

Sir Gerald Lacklander's

"Stiffen the sinews.
Summon up the blood"

Sir?

"Disguise fair nature
with hard-favour'd rage"

Despite his noble birth,
Sir Gerald must be

the most stupid man in England

Well...

Well, Mrs Cartarette
doesn’t think so

Given a helping hand, he
might even propose to her

I hope she's not counting on it

I'm dammed if I like your tone.
What do you want?

The truth. When you went to Hammer
Farm and broke open the desk drawer...

My God! He's deliberately
insulting me now..

You expected to find
your father's memoirs

What?

No, no, no, no, I deny it

You didn’t break open
the desk drawer?

You've got hold of the
wrong end of the stick

I did it for the family, for...

For Mrs Cartarette

She'd mislaid the key and er...

it was damned difficult

You did it at Mrs
Cartarette's request?

What?

Yes, yes

Was she present at the time?

No

Sir Gerald, you were in a mucksweat and
went to find chapter 17, weren't you?

Your father's belated confession
at betraying his own country

and driving an innocent
young man to suicide

You're a vain man, Sir Gerald, with a
fanatical sense of family prestige

and you'll go to any
lengths to preserve it

Any lengths?

It's absurd!

You... You don't...

You can't think that I...

Murdered Colonel Cartarette?

But, my God, it's
absurd, the very idea

It's...

It's beyond belief

I mean...

I mean, how?

A blow to the head
followed by a stab

The stab was made by your
mother's shooting stick

and I will wager the blow
came from a golf club

Yes? What?

Yes. Hang on. He's er... here

Thank you

Alleyn

Well, we've found two different types
of fish scale on the seat of the punt

- Alleyn, can you hear me?
- Yes

- Got someone with you?
- Yes

Right

Well, now then, make what
you can of the next bit,

but, so far, we can't find
any sign of both kinds

of fish scale on any
one person's clothing

Or on their sports gear

Damn

Oh, Alleyn, there
is something else

At least they should
make you sleep better

Thanks

You look as if you could do with
a little something yourself

Me?

What is it?

Man trouble?

There's no need to look like the Virgin
On The Rocks. It does happen, you know

To all of us

When you get it in the
neck from one of this lot

But, Mrs Cartarette,
you can't say that

Can't I?

I know he's got his
little weakness, but

he's a gentlemen. You could
help him get over it

I happen to know he doesn't think
of any other woman but you

Who on earth are you
talking about, Kettle?

Why, Commander Syce

That useless hulk!

Mrs Cartarette!

I lived with him once in Singapore,
because it suited us both

And when he came home and found out
that I'd married Tommy Cartarette,

did he lift a little finger
to help me get on with the...

.. useless...
dummies round here?

No, he didn’t

Commander Syce means
nothing to me, Kettle

And I can assure you,
I mean nothing to him

Oh, but if you're keen
on him yourself...

I never said any such thing

You didn’t need to, dear. Don't
worry, I won't stand in your way

And if it all works
out, lovey-dovey...

.. and if you can get the
county to call on you

and treat you like a human
being, well, good luck

- Because I never have - If
you mean the Lacklanders...

I do

- I do - You don't understand

How long was it, do you think,

before the fat lady of Nunspardon could
crack her face and give me a smile?

The family goes back to
before the Norman Conquest

And what good are they?

They don't... do anything

They've got no...

.. no gaiety

They've got no spirit

And they are weak
from inbreeding

Do you know, Kettle, it was a hundred
times better for me during the war

and, here I am, dumped
down in the middle of them

and I'm supposed
to feel grateful

Say what you like

Whatever has happened...

it's their own fault

It seems the murderer stumbled

Possibly during the
tricky business of

withdrawing the shooting
stick from his head

Oh, for God’s sake!

At any rate, the sole of his shoe
came down on the Colonel's catch

A modest trout and made
three distinct holes

Conjecture

- I assure you, Sir Gerald...
- Sheer conjecture

Faced with this incriminating evidence,
the murderer has a double inspiration

Why not swap this
trout for another?

The Old 'Un and, at
the same time...

Implicate poor Occy Phinn

Exactly

So far so good?

Now, what to do with
this damaged trout?

It's at this point that
Thomasina puts in an appearance

Tom... who?

One of Occy's cats

What's the blasted cat
got to do with it?

The murderer gives
the fish to the cat

To eat

And uses your painting rag, Lady
Lacklander, to clean up afterwards

To clean up blood from
the shooting stick

And fish scales

From two separate trout

So, if you were to find the
fish scales from both trout on

any of our clothes, then...

What is all this?

That would, indeed, have identified
the murderer, but, unfortunately,

none of the garments
tested showed both sets

You see? I told you. Nobody we
know would do a thing like this

However...

.. the holes in the smaller trout
came from a spiked golf shoe

Who are you accusing?

Made by...

quite a decent bootmaker
in the Burlington Arcade

A ladies...

size 6,

Lady Lacklander

Gerald?

Instead of bowing and scraping,

why don't you, Kettle,
for once in your life,

take a good, long, hard look
at your beloved Lacklanders

And see them for
what they really are

I've no wish to
do any such thing

And you, Mrs Cartarette,
you've got no right...

No?

It was Sir Gerald, scared out

of his wits, such as they are,

who broke open Tommy's desk

I don’t believe you

And you know why?

Because the poor fool was
terrified that Tommy

was going to print something
about the old man

and blacken the escutcheon

- I won't listen to this
- Yes, you will

Today,

after all his
pathetic fumbling...

.. his schoolboy attempts
to get me into his bed...

You're a wicked woman

.. he had the sheer nerve
to give me the push

- If poor Sir Gerald has been silly...
- Silly!

And infatuated,

it's you, you that led him on

You trapped our dear Colonel

and now you're setting
your cap at Sir Gerald

Well...

I know your sort, Mrs Cartarette

Oh, let's face it, Kettle,
you don’t know anything

You don’t know the
first thing about men

How dare you!

You think they're all plaster
saints, do you? "Poor Sir Gerald"

Shall I give you another shock?

I think "poor Sir Gerald"
murdered your poor dear Colonel

No

I will not listen
to another word

You're wicked, evil!

Mrs Cartarette

Well, Chief Inspector

Don't you have any words of
comfort for a grieving widow?

I do have a question
to put to you, yes

Questions, questions. Don't you do
anything else but ask questions?

When you were playing
golf with Sir Gerald,

you told me you were wearing an
ordinary pair of black shoes

Yes

In fact, didn’t he lend you
his mother's golfing shoes?

No

The ones she couldn’t wear herself
because of her septic toe

No

No

And did he also lend
you his golf driver?

Yes

And you used it

On your husband

He was sitting there

Drooling over his stupid fish

Bald and shining

His head was

Like an egg,

waiting to be cracked open

Gerald taught me how
to use the golf club

And I used it. Whack!

And over he went

And then you used
a shooting stick?

But I didn’t need Gerald to teach
me how to use that, Chief Inspector

I knew what she
wanted, all right

And, of course...

.. she could be quite amusing

But I would never
have dreamt of...

marrying her, Mama

"Nudge one, you nudge them all"?

If they hadn't been so keen to
close ranks against outsiders,

we might have got there sooner

Do you know, Brer,

I used to love this place

Now I'm not so sure

Money. Land. Position

Must be a hard life

We never had those
problems in Peckham, sir

Do you know what I'd like now?

- What's that?
- Fish and chips