Alleyn Mysteries (1990–1994): Season 1, Episode 3 - Final Curtain - full transcript

𝒯𝓇𝒶𝓃𝓈𝓁𝒶𝓉e 𝓊𝓃𝒾𝒸𝒶𝓉 E𝒩𝒢LI𝒮H

Dare say you'll be glad to get home.
Have you anyone waiting?

- Well... not down there
- I wish I had

It’s all my own fault

No sooner in old Blighty
than I’m off again

A regular globetrotter

Ah, well, back to… what's the word?
Austerity

- I thought I’d gotten away from it forever
- Hard luck

I say, is that your lot?

First Officer's compliments, sir

You and Mr Trumper can disembark



by B deck gangway,
starboard side

Thank you

I thought you might like a paper

- The pilot brings them - Thanks

Well, let's see if there's
any good news for a change

- Oh, old Ancred has bought it
- Who?

Sir Henry Ancred. When I was a kid, I
was dragged off to see him in Othello

Or Macbeth, was it?
One of those johnnies

Talk about boring. Died
on his birthday, it seems

Really?

The occasion was marked

by the unveiling of his portrait
commissioned from Miss Agatha Troy, RA

May I see that, please?

Rotten luck



Well, it seems as though you'll just
have to wait until you've gone ashore

Damn! I say, that's
a real Panama

Oh, well, I suppose I wouldn’t be
wearing it again for a year or two

I think you can count
on that at least

Time to go ashore, Mr Trumper

Oh, yes?

- Back so soon, then?
- It’s been two months

Has it? Well, I never

Is that for me?

- Flowers have a tendency to wilt - I
haven't seen one of those in years

Perhaps I’ll use it
for a still life

I wouldn’t have minded
a bank robber...

.. or even a murderer,
a strangler, say,

or one of those hen-pecked little fellows
who's seen his wife off with an axe

Con men are the lower depths,

they ooze what they think
is charm and it's endless

Day and night... lay
it on with a trowel

From Cape Town, was it?

- Excuse me?
- What?

Oh, I just thought that after

telling me all about your
adventures in India...

South Africa

that you’d condescended to ask what I’d
been doing for the past whatever it was

- I know what you've been doing
- Really?

Clever you, then

You've been painting that old
actor Ancred who's upped and died

- My God - What's the matter?

- Do you know everything?
- One reads the Times

I’ve been trying to... what's
that awful expression?

Get up a head of steam
to tell you about it

- What's the matter?
- Rory, I’m not scatterbrained, am I?

No, don’t laugh.
The old man's dead

They all said it
was the crayfish

but what about the red
paint on the banister?

Or that horrid little book
about how to embalm a corpse?

If it comes down to it, what
happened to the arsenic?

Oh, look, I am making sense.
Inside my head I know I am

It’s simply that I’m no
good at telling a story

But you're going to

I knew it was all a mistake when
I couldn't enjoy my sandwiches

And I’d given myself a
treat, smoked salmon

Please don’t think I’m
seething with sinister intent

I mean, there's no need to swing
from the communication cord

He had only to open his mouth

and swinging from the communication
cord was the last thing one had in mind

But no, that's not
where it begins

You were asked to
paint a portrait

Yes. Yes, that's right.
Aren't you clever?

I was written to by Sir
Henry's daughter-in-law

who keeps house for
him, Millamant

Millamant?

She was Mildred but the
old man re-christened her

They once played together
in The Way Of The World

Well, anyway, I didn’t want to do
the portrait so I told them no

The next thing I knew, Thomas
Ancred was on my doorstep

He's the younger son.
He produces

And so you said yes

I said yes to dinner.
It was at the Oleander

The food there is black market

Troy

We don’t, all of us, go on
paid holidays to South Africa

And I still said no

But why?

A portrait of Sir
Henry as Macbeth,

six feet by four, to be
completed in just over a week

Mr Ancred, contrary to what
you have apparently heard,

I am not a house painter

- Dear lady...
- Sorry

You see, it's Papa's 75th

and he was so in hopes that the nation
would honour him with a portrait

Alas, the nation has dragged
its collective feet

and so Papa, being the trooper that
he is, has decided to honour himself

- Money really is no object
- Not interested

Oh, come now, what's a week?

And I assure you, you'll
loathe our family

No... I beg your pardon?
I’ll do what?

Taken en masse, they
can be quite revolting

It’s why I prefer
to live in London

Of course, working hammer and
tongs, you won't see much of them

Mr Ancred, hammer and tongs
isn't ever how I like to work

and I don't paint to order or with
a time limit or six feet by four

As to money being no
object, how lovely,

but this week I find I’m
unexpectedly solvent

So you can be as charming
as you undoubtedly...

Thank you

Which, I imagine, is how you
came to be on the train

I’m Cedric Ancred

I find it so exciting that you're
going to do a picture of Grand papa

in all his tats and bobs

- Sir Henry is your...
- Yes, sordid, isn't it?

Mummy is Millamant who looks after him
and Daddy, only promise you won't tell,

was Henry Irving Ancred...

- I paint too - Do you?

- How nice - Not like you.
I design things

Of course it's all grim nowadays
but we keep on toddling

Oh, God, you were reading
and I stopped you

It’s not important

It is a sin against
the Holy Ghost

- What utter nonsense
- You tell me so...

Pardon me, Penelope

Do you er... Design at
all for the theatre?

How sweet of you to take an interest.
Yes, when one is given employment,

which, with a word from the grand old
man, would be all the year round

Only in my case, the grand old
man chooses never to speak

Talk about blood being
thicker than water

Oh, my God. Don't look

What is it?

I can't bear it. Every time
I see it, it gets uglier

- Does it?
- There

God, the enduring horror of it

Castle Despair

I say, I spy with my little
eye Ancreds by the dozen

Greetings, you two

This is my cousin,
Fenella Cairnes

Hello

And the warrior bold is
another cousin, Paul Kentish

- Hello - Miss Agatha Troy

You've really come. We
can hardly believe it

Grandfather is ten years younger

Whereas I am ageing by the minute.
Do say you've brought the car

Only the governess cart, Cedric.
Have you brought much luggage?

Oh, so you have. Well, the luggage
can go in the cart and we can...

I refuse to walk!

Slowly, you brute.
You'll have us all over!

Are you mad?

You... You animal!
Slowly, I say!

Of course the clan will
gather for the great day

Mummy will be there but Daddy’s
touring in the Middle East

Touring? Do you
mean with the army?

- No, he's in "Hay Fever"
- In the desert?

And there's my mother
who's already here

Not to mention Aunt Desdemona
who's never married

but dies for love at
least once a year

- Three sisters - A
good subject for a play

Not bad

What is it?

A horrible child has
just pulled a face at me

- Oh, that will be my young sister
- Oh, I’m terribly sorry

Don't be. She is a horror

- Name of Panty - Oh, yes?
What a charming name!

Cos the little blister's knickers
were always falling down!

In a way, I’m the black
sheep of the family

Because I hate the theatre. I
want nothing to do with it

No, what I’d really like
is to go into the police

But of course with this gammy leg
of mine, that'll be pie in the sky

I have a friend at Scotland Yard

I’m sure he’d be only
too glad to talk to you

- Well, that was kind of you
- He's a sweet boy

When you go down to
Ancreton, you and he...

When I what?

I mean, if. If

Pauline Kentish, Paul's
mother, that is,

had been in a great many
of the kind of plays

where people come in and go
out through French windows

Hello!

You've come to paint Father, haven't you?
How do you do?

- How do you do?
- We're all agog

Paul, darling, there you are

I hope you haven't walked from the
station, not with your poor leg

Now, don’t lie. Cedric
has told me all

Fenella, dear, why
did you let him?

Mother, walking is good for me

When I left the
hospital, I was told...

Such a brave old boy. So
courageous, Miss Troy

A King Harry home from Agincourt

Forgive a mother's tears

We Ancred's cannot always
hide what is... within

Drinks are being served
in the great hall

There you are. Come and
have a stirrup cup

God, I’m done in

That damn pony ought
to be put down

Cedric, sit up straight.
You're not a child

Miss Troy? I’m Millamant Ancred.
How do you do?

- How do you do?
- Milly is my mama

My father-in-law looks
forward to meeting you

He hopes you had a
pleasant journey

- And all that rot - Do sit down

Thank you

- Fruit cup, madam?
- Oh, lovely

Milly, where are you
putting Miss Troy?

In Bernhardt or Siddons?

Grand papa named the
bedrooms after actresses

- Why not in Bracegirdle?
- Out of the question

The ceiling leaks
and there are rats

Until Barker finds the poison he
mislaid, Bracegirdle is out of bounds

Miss Troy will do very
nicely in Siddons

We could always move darling
Sonia into Bracegirdle

- What larks!
- Be quiet, Cedric

Fen, my poppet, Paul, haven't either
of you told Miss Troy about Sonia?

- Is she one of the family?
- No, but she’d like to be

Cedric, you are impossible

Sonia is the old party's protege

Oh, yes?

Or if I may resort to ye olde
English, she's his bit of naughty

Cedric, you're disgusting

Thank you, Fenella, but I believe
chastisement is a mother's privilege

We all loathe her

Am I in time for fruit cup?

Oh, say it's not all gone

Sonia simply must have a drinky

Darling!

Cedric! You've come down
for Noddy's birthday!

This is only base camp. From
here on, the ascent begins

- Alpenstocks at the ready
- Something like that

I’m afraid Barker's put your
painting gear upstairs in your room

I’ll have him move it to
the theatre first thing

The theatre? Is there one?

Well, it's not exactly
Drury Lane but you'll find

that Grand papa does
nothing by halves

You'll have Macbeth scenery,
the blasted heath and all that

and if Paul's sister, young
Panty, can be made to pose,

you'll even have
the bloody child

and there's proper lighting

- Oh, Lord, I need daylight
- Oh. Will a window suffice?

We spare no expense

Everest is conquered

- Why, this is lovely!
- I’m glad you like it

And you're so nice that now I wish
for your sake you hadn’t come

My word, what on
earth am I in for?

It’s my beastly family.
I hate them

I used to like
Grand papa so much

And now he's horrid

I mean... how would you
like it if your grandfather

brought a loathsome
blonde into the house?

Well, I don’t know. My grandmother wouldn’t
have done handsprings, that's for sure

Oh, I am sorry. That was...

What's more, now they fight
amongst themselves about money

- You should hear them
- My dear child...

What if he should leave
Ancreton to her?

Instead of to... ghastly Cedric
or horrible Panty or me?

God, old women are so foul

Even Mummy is sometimes.
She'll be here on Thursday

Well, as the same Cedric
would say, "What larks"

- But...
- No, please

- I’m an outsider and I don’t think...
- That's why I can...

I don’t think you should tell me

what you might want to
kick yourself for later on

Or want to kick me

May I know at what
time you have dinner?

8.30

You'll hear the gong

I’ll say no more... but there
is badness in this house

- You'll see - Fenella

You did that very well

I suppose it must
run in the family

Hello, puss

Alice. Down the rabbit hole

I tell you, it's a miracle
I don't go off my chump

Do you think it's easy living in this
mausoleum with a couple of old crones

and a kid that's out
The Crazy Gang?

You must endeavour to
look on the bright side

It’s a laugh a minute

If you really cared about me,
you'd put me in a position

where I wasn't looked down on

Noddy, you owe it to me

A girl has her self-respect

There's somebody out there.
It’s that ghastly child!

The drawing room, madam

Thank you

All alone, Miss Troy?
How neglectful we are

- Not at all - Do sit

Barker will serve sherry
once there's a full house

Is Siddons to your liking?

Siddons? Oh, you mean the room.
Yes, it's absolute...

- You were saying?
- Excuse me

The Antient Arte Of The
Embalming Of Corpses

- Oh, dear - It looks like
one of our treasures. May I?

Yes, it is. No wonder

I’m sorry?

I came in here yesterday just in
time to see Sir Henry's lady friend

sitting down there rather
suddenly with a very pink face

I dare say she took
it from the library

Is it very valuable?

If you'll forgive me saying so,

I can think of no other reason

why it should commend itself
to Miss Sonia Orrincourt

One is hardly tempted to mention
her and books in the same breath

Especially one on the art
of embalming corpses

- Papa's just coming down - Damn

- That means Cedric will be late
- Afraid so

He was still in the bath
when I tried to get in

It’s hardly the way to stay in
Father's good graces, is it, Milly?

Oh, good! He's not here

I came down by the back stairs. It’s
known as heading them off at the pass

- Good evening, Mr Kentish - Good
evening to you, Miss Cairnes

What's this, my darling?
More mischief?

Isn’t Mummy to be told?

Oh, dear

So, this is our
distinguished painter

I am delighted

Delighted

I hope you continue to be

I believe I shall.
I believe I shall

Millamant, my impression was that
Cedric had come down to us from town

He had an important
letter to write

- Perhaps he didn’t hear the gong
- In what room is he?

- Garrick, I think - Then he
most certainly heard the gong

Barker, you may oblige me
with a whisky and soda

- Oh, Papa. Er...
- Dr Maltravers distinctly said...

- One small glass...
- Of sherry or wine but not...

Hold! Enough!

Go, Barker, stay me with flagons

You see, dear Miss Troy,

how an old man departs from his
well-ordered ways in your honour

Papa, it's too bad of you. It
would serve you right if...

Oh, my God

I adore it when people
are pleased to see me

Noddy, darling, when the applause quite
dies down, I’d like a gin and tonic

She's wearing...

Dearest Grand papa,
I creep, I grovel

Somebody send Barker out
at once for sackcloth

Great one, tell
Cedric he's forgiven

Darling Sonia, intercede for
me, implore Grand papa...

Cedric, say nothing

- My God!
- Cedric!

She's wearing Great, Great,
Grandmamma Ancred's Russian brooch

Nice, isn't it? I’m
ever so twilled

- But...
- Be quiet, sir!

It is time we went in. Barker, you may serve
my whisky and soda in the dining room

Dear lady, allow me

Noddy? I haven't had my aperi...
my aperi... my drink

For that you must blame
him who came down late

Barker, will you take
pity on Miss Orrincourt?

A trifling foolish banquet
as old Capulet had it

Nonetheless, we shall begin

Oh, Papa, how dreadful

- Who on earth could have...
- The revolting infant, that's who

- Can there be doubt of it?
- She deserves a spanking

Not to mention disinheriting

It shouldn’t be allowed.
It weally shouldn’t

I am grievously displeased

So, it has come to this

- How sharper than a...
- I think they call it a raspberry cushion

How sharper than a serpent's tooth
it is to have a thankless child

I’m sure Panty
meant it as a joke

- Let the ingrate be brought before me
- Papa, she's already in bed

If not out on her broomstick

We don’t really know
that it was Panty

Oh, we shall know

Tomorrow we shall know

Er... let us now dine

Yes, erm... well...

Before we all get on with it, I just
happen to have something to say

that may cheer us all up

A herculean task, I think

What say you, Miss Troy?
Shall we hear him?

Well, yes

Right, then...

Fenella and I are
going to be married

- Oh, Paul - Criminy

Dear heaven

So I think that congratulations
may be in order

Never, never,
never, never, never

Lear, Act Five, Scene Three

Fenella, Paul, how could you?

That's torn it

I suppose he'll send for old
Rattisbon and change his will again

- Oh, let him. Who cares?
- Paul, don't dare say such a thing

Oh, God. Underage
and first cousins

- This is a mother's thanks
- Cedric, stop it

You too, Pauline. Fenella, Paul, do you
want to turn him against his own family?

He's in one of his
tantrums, that's all,

because we didn’t go to him
and humbly ask his blessing

He's not upset. It’s all an act

You ought not to paint him
as Macbeth, Miss Troy

What he really is
bloody old King Lear

"How sharper than a
serpent's tooth!"

And as far as turning against his family
is concerned, he's done that already!

Ever since he brought
that tart into the house!

That peroxide gold-digger,
50 years younger than a...

Fenella, dear...

Noddy?

Cor blimey! What's happened?

Noddy? Noddy!

Noddy? Noddy, darling,
what's happened?

- Who on earth?
- 20 guesses, dear

- What is it? Greasepaint?
- In this house? Well, of course it is

- It’s a carmine stick
- I don’t think so

May I?

No, it's oil paint. Cadmium red

The shade is immaterial!

My solicitor will be
here by lunch time

I think everyone was glad to make
it an early night. I know I was

Red paint. Dark crimson

I wonder why I was so quick
to think it was blood

I’ve tired you, I’m sorry

One grows a trifle stiff

Well, then we've done enough for today.
At least you have

I have been remembering my lines

Since 1904, I have assayed
the role six times

and always do
tremendous business

It hasn't been an
unlucky play for me

Oh, yes, I’ve heard about
the Macbeth superstition

One mustn't quote from it

Or speak its name. It is
known as the Scottish play

Am I to be allowed a glimpse?

Well, it's only a kind
of synopsis, I’m afraid

Oh! A clever lady

Yes, I have chosen well

Well, may you see
things well done there

Adieu. Lest our old robes
sit easier than our new!

God’s benison go with you

A spark so for my
tinder, then farewell

If we do meet again,
why, we shall smile

If not, why then, this
parting was well made

What's up? Don't you like it?

You have to take off the surplus
charcoal otherwise it messes the paints

- How long have you been there?
- Ages

I stayed quiet cos
I’m not allowed

I’m Patricia Claudia
Ellen Ancred Kentish

Well, I’ve gathered that

You couldn’t have gathered that
cos they all call me Panty

- Are these your paints?
- Yes, so hands off

I’m going to paint with them

- Not a hope - If you won't
let me, I’ll kill you

Don't be an ass and
leave that a...

Why, you little...

You can't smack me. I’m being
brought up on a system

Are you indeed? Well, here's
a shock for your system

- Ow! Beast! That hurt
- Well, it was meant to

- Serves you right if you catch it
- Catch what?

Didn’t they tell you? I’ve been sent
home from school. I’ve got ringworm

- Do you want to see?
- No!

Now look here, if you promise
not to touch my paints,

I’ll give you a board
and some brushes

and you can go away and
do a proper picture later

- When?
- After lunch

Now!

- Well, I want buckets of red. I like red
- I thought you already had some of that

I mean the stuff you daubed on
the banister outside my bedroom

Me? I don’t know
where your room is

Or what was written on your
grandfather’s looking glass

You're not going to tell
me it wasn't you that put

that awful cushion on his chair? The
one that made that revolting noise

Really?

Why is it I always miss things?
It isn't fair

I think it was then I realised
that something was very wrong

Panty was quite capable
of telling lies

but somehow I knew that she
was speaking the truth

She hadn’t played those
idiotic practical jokes

But if she hadn't, who had?
And... why?

On the Thursday, as expected, Fenella's
mother Jenetta Cairnes arrived

- Here comes witch number three
- Sorry?

Oh, you mean as in the
three weird sisters?

Not really, no.
There's four of them

The one they call Desi hasn't
arrived yet. Desdemona

Anyway, Millamant isn't a sister.
She's an in-law

So there's witch one, witch
two, witch three, wi...

Aren't you supposed
to be painting Noddy?

Watercolouring clears my head and Sir
Henry isn't up to posing for very long

He's poorly, you know. Can't eat
anything stronger than baby food

or he's as sick as a...

- Good morning - Good morning

.. as a dog, as a lady dog!

Do you see that for
bloody manners?

She's as bad as the rest of them.
A load of toffee-nosed Lady Mucks

They all hate me

Anyone would think I wanted to be
stuck in this godforsaken rat hole

Stone me, nothing to do
and all day to do it in

- Are you stuck here?
- What else is there?

I’m delicate

Asthma, ever since I was a kid

I thought I might go
touring with ENSA

You know, "Every Night
Something Awful!"

Except as soon as I
opened my mouth to sing,

all the boys in the orchestra complained
they couldn’t hear themselves play

So, when Noddy took a... you know,
interest and asked me down here,

I had to pinch myself

I mean, you know, it was Christmas, Whitsun
and August Bank Holiday rolled into one

Mind, whatever I get,
I’ll have earned it

He's the only one of
them I feel sorry for

I suppose he's a bit, well...
you know...

Well, it's all part of
life's rich pageant, innit?

Do you know he can't
sleep nights?

He's afraid Noddy's gonna
leave all this lot to the kid

Panty? I thought she
was out of favour

Well, she shouldn’t go writing
on mirrors, should she?

Or daubing paint on banisters

Did Panty tell you
she’d done that?

Well, did she?

Oh, I’ve gotta go inside.
All this fresh air

And on Friday, the unmarried sister,
Desdemona, arrived with Thomas Ancred

Des!

And on the Saturday, the solicitor,
Mr Rattisbon, drove down from town

The birthday party
was now complete

So, very nearly, was
Sir Henry's portrait

The old party begs to be excused.
He's closeted with Mr Rattisbon

Anything I can do?

Well... Yes, would you
stand in for him?

Me?

I’m just touching up the
highlights on this cloak

It’s there. Would you mind?

Mind? I’m in seventh heaven

Er... like this?
Shall I be dashing?

Oh, Dear

Look...

Would you just try
standing on this box?

There

Now just let the
cloak fall naturally

Raise your right arm as though
there were a dirk in your hand

There. Let me just arrange you

I’ve never posed before

Well, not for a portrait

- Tuppence to talk to me
- That's it

Now then

Did you know, the house is
simply seething with intrigue?

The consensus of opinion

is that the birthday boy will choose the
opportunity to announce his new will

- You're joking - He'll be the star turn.
Top of the bill

Are you saying that Sir Henry...
Oh, please do stay still

that Sir Henry would
humiliate his family?

Oh, yes. He does it every time

- He adores it - Does he
change his will often?

On average about every two years

It’s sort of a
command performance

I say, do give Cedy
the teensiest look

My very own private view. Oh, do

Well, keep still. I
haven't finished yet

Oh, my God... it’s him

It’s theatre, just like he is

It’s Shakespeare and it's
Macbeth and it's him all in one

I’m terrified

First, Papa will propose the King's
health then one of us will propose Papa's

Last year Panty was brought in to do it but
what with ringworm and practical jokes,

she's been scratched so...

I say, this can't possibly
be crayfish. Milly!

Don't blame me. He insisted

They call this rock lobster!

It’s no more a lobster than I am

It’s an obscure
antipodean shellfish

Barker, champagne.
What ails you, man?

Milly, you should have
put your foot down

My foot is bunioned
from being put down

If one of you lot wants to fetch and
carry for that impossible old man,

then you're welcome

It would make me the
happiest woman in England

Nonsense, Milly,
you thrive on it

I gave up the theatre for him.
It’s still in my blood

I always think that when Gladys
Cooper went to Hollywood,

she left a gap that you
could fill nicely, Milly

Thank you, Desi

Good looks apart, of course

Champagne and hot crayfish.
We shall hear more of this

- Is it very bad for him?
- Catastrophic

After Sir Henry had
proposed the royal toast,

Thomas Ancred rose,

spoke very prettily and, as per
tradition, toasted Sir Henry

.. in the time that is to come

I shall now ask the company to
drink to Papa's continued health

- To Papa - To Papa

Grand papa

To darling Noddy

Here's to juice in his tank

Beggar that I am, I am even
poor in thanks but I thank you

There is no audience as near and
as dear to an old player of parts

than his own kith and kin

Bless you

Soon, now, we shall, all of
us, repair to the theatre,

there to see unveiled the fruit of
our lovely artist's mighty strivings

Hear! Hear!

A likeness of myself which, I may say, it
is my intention to present to the nation

Bravo

However, before we feast our eyes,
there is that which I would impart...

I shall be brief. Forgive me

My heart is full. It is my
inestimable pleasure to announce

that Miss Sonia Orrincourt has this day
done me the immeasurable honour...

- Oh, no .. of
consenting to be my wife

- Oh, Noddy - Oh, my God

Me thought I didst hear
the groundlings applaud

Congratulations, Papa

I thank you all. I am moved

And now I come to the reason

for the good Mr Rattisbon
to grace our festive board

Of late I have been treated with
disrespect, nay with contumely

My goodness has been repaid
with the basest insult

All of you here do know me

All of you know that those who
love me not, I do not love

It was my intention to request
Mr Rattisbon to draw up anew,

my last will and testament

and yet my having won the
heart of Miss Orrincourt

has caused a resurgence
within this bosom,

of the milk of
divine forgiveness

I have been merciful

I will now ask Mr Rattisbon to
read the terms of my new will

With your kind permission...

I, Henry Oswald Ancred,
Baronet, being of sound mind,

do declare this to be my last will and
testament, hereby revoking all previous...

If the new will had been a West End
play, it would have run forever

It received what they
call rave reviews

It provided for handsome cash legacies to
Millamant and Sir Henry's three daughters

Really no-one had
cause for complaint

the residue of my estate
to be divided equally

between my son Thomas Ancred,

my grandson Cedric Ancred

and my fiancee Miss
Sonia Orrincourt

When the will had been read,

we all trooped over to the
little theatre for the unveiling

To you, dear lady,
the place of honour

If you will all be seated?

- Cedric, my boy - I’m
ready, Grand papa

The moment is nigh

An actor may move his audience to laughter
or to tears, to terror or to anger,

what he must not do is tantalise

Hear! Hear!

So, let it be now.
The readiness is all

House lights, Cedric

And, curtain!

The paint must still be wet

Leave it to me.
There's no harm done

No, don't use that.
You'll destroy it. Here

I demand to know the
author of this outrage

It wasn't Panty. She's
been in bed since seven

She's been painting green
cows for days, I’ve seen her

Cow yourself!

The medicine she takes makes
her sleep like the dead

The child couldn’t have done it

Noddy, did you hear that? That
bitch has just called me a cow!

I am going to bed

You're going to let me
be insulted by that...

I am upset!

I am indeed unwell. Leave me!

- I am going alone - He needs
looking after. Excuse me

It was sometime during the
night that it happened

Of course, I didn't stay

First, my work was done,
and I'd have gone anyway

Also, I was an outsider, in what
by definition, at any rate,

was a house of mourning

Yes, I think that's everything. Thank
you, Barker. You've been most helpful

It’s been a great pleasure, Miss Troy. I
hope to see you again in the near future

- Thank you, Barker. Goodbye
- Goodbye

What are you thinking about?

Macbeth and the art
of the embalmer

Who would have thought the old man
to have had so much blood in him?

Practical jokes, you say?

Defecating cows

- Just the one, sir - A book

A three centuries old
book on embalming

and a missing bottle of rat bait

All very thin, wouldn’t you say?

Skeletal

Hardly enough to justify going down
to Ancreton and muddying the waters

- No, sir. It’s just that...
- Well?

There's a lot about Miss Troy
I don't yet know, sir, but...

I’m inclined to
trust her instincts

- Good witness?
- Sir?

I mean, is she imaginative?

Well, naturally, she's an
artist and a good one but...

if you mean impressionable, no

Capital! Then with no offence in
the wide world, my dear Alleyn,

perhaps either you or Miss
Troy could account for this

- Seen this morning's Times, have you?
- Not yet, sir, no

Well, according to you, or
rather according to Miss Troy,

Sir Henry Ancred made a
will dividing his estate

more or less equally
among the family

With a share going to this...

this lady friend of his.
Miss Sonia Orrincourt

He made that announcement, yes

Then he's been having them on

According to the Times, Sonia
Orrincourt gets the lot

What?

Give or take a thousand or so

It seems he's done his
family in the eye

What price equal
shares all round now?

But it can't be. At the
birthday dinner...

The lady couldn’t have erm...
misheard?

Absolutely not, sir

Sir...

Oh, look here, old chap,

I don't see any reason to go haring
off down to Ancreton. He was 75

As far as one can tell, he ate and
drank what he shouldn't have done

He was warned what would happen and it did.
He conked out

Dead and... buried is he?

And we've no grounds for an autopsy.
So let's leave him lie

Not make the family any more
distressed than they already are

From what I’ve heard, sir, they
won't be wearing black for too long

Actually, I was
thinking of the will

Come in

Forgive the intrusion, sir, but knowing
the Chief inspector’s business,

I thought he’d like to know that
Mr Thomas Ancred had been in touch

There have been letters, sir. Anonymous,
addressed to all members of the family

Hinting at foul play, sir

When I think of all the
misery you've put me through,

I feel so infernally
indignant, I...

When in doubt, Mr Fox, always give
them a dollop of Charley's Aunt

It never fails. Ah, here we are

- Eight of them. All the same
- Thank you

Sir Henry Ancred's death
was brought about

by the person who has received
the most benefit from it

inspector, you're the oracle.
No envelopes, Mr Ancred?

We threw them away. Sorry

But the postmark was Middlehampton.
That's our nearest metropolis

And the recipients?

They came at breakfast time yesterday.
Let's see...

Milly got one and Pauline, Jenetta and Desi
- Desdemona that is

Cedric, Sir Cedric as he is now

I mustn't leave him out,
nor myself, of course

and the young couple
Fenella and Paul

But not Miss Orrincourt?

Sonia

No, not Sonia. That's why for once in
their lives the family are in agreement

You mean that Miss
Orrincourt is the person

referred to in the letters?

Not half. What fun

Thank you. Inspector,
astonish us

Well, the old crystal ball's a
bit cloudy this morning, sir

Middling good paper
out of a notepad

From any stationers or
maybe the odd corner shop

Thank you

Mr Ancred, do you subscribe to your
family's poor opinion of Miss Orrincourt?

Do you mean do I think
that she murdered Papa?

There, it's been said
out loud, that is

- I didn’t at first but now...
- Now?

Well, I suppose it's time
for the Cours de theatre

After the letters came, the
atmosphere got a bit fraught

Sonia said that she would
rather die driving in the rain

than put up with our
loathsomeness a moment longer

Of course, when there
is a dramatic occasion,

you may depend on the
Ancreds to rise to it

No-one liked to say
straight out that Sonia

had put poison in Papa's
hot drink at bedtime,

but it did seem wasteful given
that she was out of the house,

for us not to search her room

I didn't do much searching myself.
I lack curiosity

Besides, I wasn't sure what
it was we were looking for

Cedric

As it happened, it was Desi who
won the coconut. She found it

Look!

And what was she
found, Mr Ancred?

Hang on. Yes, I put
it out of harm's way

It’s the rat poison
nobody could find

See what the lab boys
make of this, will you?

By the look of it, it
hasn't been opened since

Madeleine Smith gave
arsenic to her boyfriend

The Scottish verdict
was not proven, sir

What an exact fellow you are

- Careful - What?

- Mr Alleyn?
- I’ll be with Rattisbon

- Dash, I’ve missed him
- Can I be of help, sir?

Well, it occurred to me to
ask, in the case of Papa,

is there likely to be a...
well, you know...

Will they want to go rummaging
around in the family vault?

- Oh, early days yet, sir. All in good time
- No, what I mean is...

you’d want to look inside
him for signs of poisoning

Don't you think, sir,
we're rushing our fences?

No, you don’t see what I’m driving at.
How could you?

How shall I put it? Would
it at all matter to you,

would it make life that much harder
to know that we've had him embalmed?

There is no puzzle,
Chief inspector

Based on rough drafts
prepared by Sir Henry,

I drew up two separate wills

- Two? Extraordinary
- Mm, perhaps

Or perhaps not in the case
of a man who is in two minds

Sir Henry was uncertain as to the
merits of his immediate family

- Are you a gambling man, Chief inspector?
- Afraid so

Sir Henry hedged his bets

One of the wills was signed and
witnessed before the dinner

I quoted its provisions
in front of the family

Later that night,
he destroyed it

- Because of the portrait?
- Oh, you know about that

The flying cow, yes.
Childish, you would agree

And yet when he sent for
me later that night,

I found him greatly perturbed

He burned the will, the
first will, there and then

Then, at his insistence, I sent the
butler to fetch a Mr and Mrs Candy

Candy is one of the under gardeners and
they were witnesses to the second will

Which left all to
Miss Orrincourt?

The young lady’s name is Hawkes,
Chief inspector, Miss Gladys Hawkes

- Really?
- Yes, these gilded creatures

Mind, I think we can agree that Orrincourt
does have more resonance to it?

Er... no, not quite all

There were other minor bequests.
Very minor

- You mean, hardly worth...
- Just so

Hardly worth mentioning

That is what you were going
to say, Chief inspector?

- Look here, I’m sorry -
Done something, have you?

I mean that you should be part
of all this, even as a bystander

Well, thanks for saying it

Did I mention that I don't think
people ought to hang other people?

Are you sure?

I have a feeling I
would have remembered

Well, with that out of the way,

I’m happy to say that I’m
not the policeman, you are

You wash your hands of it

How like a woman

It was you in the first place who
put the cat among the pigeons

- What's so funny?
- The thought of you at Ancreton

It is you, my dear Chief inspector, who's
going to be the pigeon among the cats

Do you see what I see?

No, I can't say that I do

- I think I do - Shall we erm...

Oh, yes, why don't we?

Heads

Heads it is. In you go. I
love to see an artist at work

Good afternoon, sir. May
I be of service, sir?

I do hope so

I was wondering whether
you have anything

that would cheer up a little
girl who's been a bit poorly

Well now...

A proper little limb, she is

Says she wants to play a
joke on a Dr Maltravers

A joke? Oh, he won't like that

- Won't he?
- No. He's not one for jokes

Well, I just now noticed those
raspberry cushions in your window

Oh, he really won't like that

They're a bit rude, you know

But isn't it a small world?

Would you believe, I sold one
of these not two weeks ago

and that was for a little
girl who wasn't well

Get away! This one's for a
child up at the big house

Do you mean Ancreton?

So was the other

Now, if it's for her,
Panty, they call her,

and she is a limb,
you're right there...

well, I... I’m afraid
she already has one

Oh, dear dear. What a vexation

Still, never mind,
what I always say

is a kiddie can't have too
many raspberry cushions

I’ll take it anyway

Hold on half a tick. Young
Panty's confined to barracks

You're not telling me the
young tinker sneaked out,

came here and bought
it for herself?

- Lord love you, no, sir - No?

No. Her auntie bought it

- Her auntie?
- That's right. Her new auntie

You must be Panty cos
that's what's written there

Who was Carabas?

Was he your kitten?

He wasn't a kitten, he was a cat

He was Noddy's cat, only he
loved me better than Noddy

He loved me better than anyone

I was his friend and I didn’t give
him the ringworms. I hate Aunt Milly

I hate all of them cos they say
I killed Carabas with ringworm

- I’ll bet you never did - I
might give you the ringworm

You do that and I’ll
give you my gum boil

Well, I want to play a game now

Perhaps you’d like to stay here
and play with inspector Fox?

Can he play Happy Families?

Play it? He invented it

- Carry on, inspector - Oh, yes.
Why don't we? Let's

Thank you

Thank you, no

Oh, wait, are they making those again?
Yes, I think I shall

My Uncle Thomas brings
bickies at weekends

He says you have to
know where to look

Sir Cedric, that holds good
for more than just biscuits

Oh, dear. Have I cast a gloom?

Please don't think I’m here
to look into anything other

than those anonymous letters

- Is that a crime?
- It might be a breach of the peace

Peace in this house?

Would anyone mind a
question or two?

Not at all

On the evening of
his birthday party,

Sir Henry appears to have done
himself rather too well at dinner

- Aren't we the know-it-all?
- He over indulged

He ate tinned crayfish
and drank champagne,

both of which are
expressly forbidden

And later on?

After dinner, you mean? He took
medicine for his indigestion

And there was always a hot drink

either at bedtime or if
he woke during the night

- A hot drink. Prepared by whom?
- By Milly

- You did it, didn’t you, Milly?
- No, Jenny, I did not

Since my husband’s death, I
kept house for my father-in-law

A task, I may say, which was as arduous
as my thanks for it were small

She's off

I liked Papa. He could
make one's life miserable

but there were certain small
labours which I did not begrudge

and yes I prepared his hot drink

But of late, with
Papa's consent,

a certain person usurped that
duty, as if by Divine right

- Do you mean Miss Orrincourt?
- Milly, you never said

I hope I have my pride

But it was Miss Orrincourt who
prepared the hot drink that evening?

Oh, for that you must ask Barker

Yes, madam, Miss Orrincourt heated the
drink and I took it to Sir Henry's room

in a Thermos and
set it by his bed

He refused to take it then and there. He
was, if Sir Cedric will forgive me...

.. in rather a whack, sir

And the medicine for
his indigestion?

Oh, he didn’t need any
persuading to take that, sir

The pain raged at
him something awful

The milk of magnesia was
kept by the bed, sir,

like... like the Thermos...

Oh, God. Barker, must you blub?

I got him into his
pyjamas and gown, sir

Like I was saying, he
wouldn’t touch his drink

He was carrying on,
shouting at me...

.. saying as how I was to fetch Mr
Rattisbon er... he's the solicitor, sir

Yes

Barker, could you just tell me once again?
What was on this table?

There was the indigestion medicine,
sir, there was the grog tray

There was the Thermos with his
hot drink, a cup and saucer...

Oh, and a spoon for
the medicine, sir

Thank you. And, of course, these
have all since been washed?

Washed and used again, sir.
It was all spilt

The medicine, the
Thermos, the lot

It was a shocking mess, sir

He put some of his drink into
the saucer for the cat, sir

- The cat Carabas?
- Oh, yes, sir

But the cup and the flask and the
medicine bottle was all overturned

We had to go at it
with the carbolic

Thank you

Barker, what's this?

It was in the old gentleman's
hand when we found him, sir

When I found him

It’s the bell push, sir

We had to prise open his fingers

In his distress, sir, he must
have pulled it away from the wire

Did you unscrew it in any way?

- It’s as I found it, sir
- Thank you

Do you know, Barker, I think I
need not trouble you any further

I’m obliged

Very good, sir

Oh, Damn

Who are you and what the bloody
hell are you doing here?

At the moment, sir, I’m
playing Happy Families

Would you oblige me with...

Mrs Snip the tailor's wife?

No, you forgot to say please
again so it's my turn

And I don't seem to
be having much luck

Sir, I am asking,
politely, I trust,

what your business
is with my patient

- Are you a journalist?
- Me?

Oh, bless your heart no, sir.
I’m from Scotland Yard

- From...
- And I imagine that you're Dr Maltravers

What a happy meeting. Chief
inspector Alleyn will be pleased

Very well. So the second
will was signed in this room

Now, after Mr Rattisbon
had left, what then?

What do you mean what then?

I gave Noddy his hot drink and
I kissed him nighty-night

And left?

And left

Did he drink his hot milk
while you were with him?

- Drank it and liked it - And
what about his medicine?

And the medicine. People seem to think
I’ve got no feelings. Well, I have

He was sweet and now he's gone and the
money won't ever make up for that

Now I’ve got no-one

He died cos he was sick

and the police have no call to go
buzzing round asking questions

Well, you've been very frank
with me, Miss Orrincourt

I’ve been frank because
I’ve got nothing to hide

And I intend to be
equally frank with you

One of the reasons I’m here is
because of the practical jokes

you played upon Sir Henry

I need hardly ask why

You wanted the blame to fall upon
the child Panty, isn't that so?

I knew it. He told you

Well, it serves me right

I thought I had one
friend in this crazy gang

Just goes to show you
what a fool I was

I suppose you must
mean Sir Cedric Ancred

Sir Cedric, the baronet

Or should I say the baroness?

That insect, that worm! God, he's
worse than the bloody women!

Well, I got the laugh
on him and the money

What's he got? Here, let
me tell you about him

Imagine him sitting
up there all hours,

making a new will, disinheriting
his own flesh and blood

Well, I understand that both those wills
were drawn up in advance of that evening

Do you know, I think we have a good
case for proving he was got at

- By Miss Orrincourt, do you mean?
- Yes

By that...

What is it, Desi?

Sometimes, Chief inspector,

death comes not as an
enemy but as a friend

By day they talk and think of
money, by night they dream of it

But for what you
might call murder...

.. there is a stronger
motive than greed

There's love

That's why I did what
needed to be done

Do you think I could bear to see my
darling crippled and in constant pain?

What kind of woman
do you take me for?

Was I to look on and...

and see him in the prison
of his maimed body?

Oh, God, but I loathe aeroplanes

Do you mean it was an accident?

The others, his...
devoted family...

.. they wanted him dead
that they might inherit

But I... I wanted him at peace

That's why I did it

But I’m glad, do you hear me?
Glad, glad, glad!

You will, of course, wish me to
accompany you, Chief inspector

There are goodbyes to be said.
May I crave five minutes?

I shall return...
you have my word

Did you ever hear of The Dark
Of The Sun, Chief inspector?

Very Somerset Maughamish

It was supposed to open
earlier this year at

the Duchess but the
backers got cold feet

Poor Desdemona, she's been dying to
make that Act Three speech ever since

- Soda?
- No

Sir Henry suffered from ulcers
and degeneration of the heart

He had eaten a disastrous
meal, had drunk champagne

and flown into one of his rages

I diagnosed a gastric attack
culminating in cardiac failure

- I hold to that - A tin of
rat poison has been found

- Piffle!
- In Miss Orrincourt's room

Double piffle!

- I’m inclined to agree - All
that family has a down on her...

with cause, I admit but...

You agree?

The tin had not been opened
in weeks, months perhaps

- Game, set and match
- Not necessarily

There could be poison
elsewhere at Ancreton

There speaks the born pessimist
or do I mean optimist?

With respect, sir, triple piffle

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have one patient who is still above
ground in this damn booby hatch

To be sure. How
goes the ringworm?

On the mend, sir

It’s slow and it's stubborn but
thallium does the trick, give it time

Her hair is falling out nicely

- Her hair is?
- It is a depilatory, you know

Is it? Poor child. No wonder
she's so foul tempered

Doctor?

Thallium is also a
sedative, is it not?

The flower room may seem a
strange place to keep medicine

I wanted it out of the
reach of little fingers

Panty... Patricia is
simply into everything!

There are two bottles.
The one that's nearly

empty and the one that
hasn't been opened

I’ve got them

Er... hold it steady.
Would you mind, sir?

- Thank you - Well done

Both labelled "poison"

Naturally, since
that is what it is

The dosage is a minute
amount taken in water

I use an eye dropper

And as you can see, the chemist's
seal on the one is as yet unbroken

It is undoubtedly sealed

Mrs Kentish, oblige me

Would it be possible for someone to
have removed some of Panty's medicine

without your knowledge?

Oh, no. I would have noticed

Even if they had diluted
what was left with water?

What a peculiar idea

- Chief inspector, what are you driving at?
- I? Nothing at all, I assure you

I am the least suspicious
person in the world

Well, in the CID at any rate.
Ask inspector Fox

Fox?

It’s peat mould from
the flower pots

So it is, ma'am

Mrs Kentish, may I...
hang onto this one?

I’ll happily return the empty

- Chief inspector, this is...
- Quadruple piffle? I’m sure it is

Telephone from the inn. You better
make sure you're not overheard

I think we'll conduct the
second exhumation ourselves

Do a second?

Carabas the cat

Off you go. I’ll walk.
It’ll do me good

By the way,

was it peat mould you put in
your pocket in the flower room?

No, sir. Bits of sealing wax

Fox by name...

Well...

Well, that is the end

Curtain down and house lights up

Goodbye, Miss Sonia
Orrincourt, RIP

RIP? Would that
be a threat, sir?

What?

I mean that I wash my hands of
little miss third row of the chorus

Talk about the sneak
of St Hilda's

As a matter of fact, Sir Cedric,

Miss Orrincourt seemed to think that you
were the one who had sneaked on her

I’m sure

You and she conspired

You wanted the child, Panty, to be
cut out of your grandfather’s will

and so you perpetrated those jokes.
The what-d'you-call-it...

The raspberry cushion, the writing on
the mirror, the vandalized painting

Oh, send us to the pokey, oh, do

But you outsmarted
yourselves, Sir Cedric

Panty's medicine was a soporific

The poor child was fast asleep and
couldn't have interfered with the portrait

So it had to be one
of the grown-ups

Sir Henry realised this

In a temper he tore up the first
will and signed the second

And it will be contested

I can assure you of
that, Chief inspector

We shall plead that the woman
exerted improper influence

But, Cedric... Those appalling jokes.
You and that woman consorting

He was going to leave it
all to the little brat

Mummy, don’t scold.
What else could I do?

God, Cedric... you're a fool

It was murder, of course, the
bell push was proof of that

A screw had been undone

so that it simply came away from the flex
when Sir Henry had tried to summon help

And all the evidence was rather clumsily
rigged to point to Sonia Orrincourt

She's hardly a mental giant but she
does have a gift for self-preservation

She was Noddy's favourite, see?

Only Sir Cedric wanted
the lot, he did

So...

.. we came to an understanding

- You bought the raspberry cushion
- Yeah

You should have seen their faces

She was hardly likely
to risk the gallows

by murdering an old man, who
would, in any case, soon die

There was the arsenic in her bedroom,
there were the anonymous letters,

the murderer sent those, of course.
Everyone

received a letter
except Sonia Orrincourt

And there was that ancient book that
so conveniently kept popping up

According to which,
the art of embalming

involves the use of arsenic

So, however the old man
may actually have died,

traces of that poison would
have been found in the remains

One more strand in the rope that
would hang Sonia Orrincourt

Alas for our murderer, the
book is three centuries old

and the world and the art
of embalming has moved on

Messrs Mortimer and
Loame, funeral directors

inform me that nowadays arsenic
is never used, at least by them

Do I really have to?

I’m afraid so. It
won't take a moment

Mr Thomas Ancred, do you identify
this as the body of your late father?

He looks quite peaceful,
don't you think?

Good lord

- All done, sir?
- All done

Oh, yes, sir. It’s Carabas

- So what was the verdict?
- Well, we'll know by tomorrow morning

He was lying there
bald as a coot

- Snap - Snap?

Yes, so was the cat

- Oh, good morning, sir
- Good morning, Breir

- Is that it, then?
- Yes

Surely the Yard never sleeps

It’s as we suspected, there never was any
arsenic. That was just a crude ploy to...

- implicate Sonia Orrincourt?
- Exactly

Our murderer’s par for the course.
A mixture

of cack-handed ness
and dead cunning

In dilute form, thallium acetate
is a medicine, Panty's medicine

But taken neat,
it's deadly poison

so break open the seal
on the unused bottle

and pour a lethal dose into the
old man's milk of magnesia

And then top the medicine bottle
up with water and reseal it

Neat thallium. No wonder
Sir Henry's hair fell out

And the cat Carabas

Probably lapped it up when
the bottle was overturned

Imagine a hairless cat walking
about to give the game away!

But what I want to know is why anyone
would want to kill the old man

It could hardly have
been from greed

He’d announced the terms of a will that
provided for everyone around that table

- No exceptions, fair dues for all
- Except for Rattisbon

Now wait a minute...

Er... yes, yes, miss. Er...
well, I’ll just go and see

Chief inspector Alleyn.
Who is it, please?

There's something I left out

That evening you came to dinner, I
tried to tell you the whole story

but I’m one of these people that hates
to cross every T and dot every I

I suppose that's why I
paint, not take photographs

It’s probably not important
but if it is, you'll kill me

and for the sake
of completeness...

Troy. Troy. Slow down.
Now, what is it?

It was something Sir Henry said

The shade is immaterial! My solicitor
will be here by lunch time

First the child goes tampering
with my papers, and now this!

Tampering with my papers.
Is that important?

Yes, it is important. Bless you

Bye

- Sonia Orrincourt
- What's that?

She's going to do it again

Miss? Miss? I’d like Ancreton
5, please, it's urgent

- I’m sorry, it's engaged
- Is it?

Damn!

I don't care what kind
of car it is as long

as it doesn't have a
bloody horse pulling it

- Ancreton Hall, is it?
- Yes, Ancreton Hall. Miss Orrincourt

And which station
would you like?

Any station. I don't
care, just get me there!

Oh, Barker...

There's a rumor going
round that we won the war

If that's true, how can one possibly account
for a sausage that looks like this?

- Perhaps it's Hitler's secret weapon
- Cedric, you're a caution

Sir Caution, if you
don't mind, dear

Beg your pardon, madam, but Miss
Orrincourt asks if she might have a word

Miss Orrincourt?

Yes, madam. She's taking
breakfast on the west terrace

Barker, are you saying that
she expects me to go to her?

If I may say so, madam, Miss
Orrincourt is about to leave

She's asked me to have
her bags taken down

She's leaving?

Do you mean the
barnacle is letting go?

Well, what I say
is good riddance

Well, we have all been rather
beastly to her, haven't we?

Paul, darling, the
woman's a horror

If at last we are to see the back of her,
then I am utterly at her beck and call

- The west terrace, you say?
- Yes, madam

- Give her what for, Milly
- I shall

What a lovely day
this is going to be

I knew you’d be having breakfast so I
asked the girl to bring an extra cup

Do you wanna sit down?

Thank you. How can one resist being
invited to take a seat in one's own home?

I asked to see you before I left
because you're the worst of them

- I mean, you hate me the most
- Hate you?

- My dear girl, I don't hate anyone
- Yes, you do

And I wanted to say
that if you lot

had been halfway decent to
me, I’d have gone shares

Cross my heart. I like
money, who doesn't?

It’s an hard life for
a girl on her own

but what I always say
is, enough is enough

I’m not greedy

Only I won't be treated like I
was dirt under people's feet

I’ve got my feelings

I know you have. That's why
my father-in-law is dead

Yes, we know only too well about
the sort of feelings you have

Miss Orrincourt, where is she?

I think that car was the police. If
so, you've left it too late to run

- You've been found out - No I
haven't, cos I’ve done nothing

I’m as innocent as the flowers
that bloom in the spring-tra-la

Do you know, you ought to be grateful
to me. I could have married your Cedric

It’s a fact. He'd have done anything for
the money. He'd have even got married

Can you imagine what sort of
a husband he’d make? But no

No, I wouldn’t do that to you

Maybe I am a bad lot but I’m
not so bad as I’d marry him

You needn't contest the
will because if you do,

I’ll fight and when
I do I usually...

- You're just in time, Chief inspector
- Glad to hear it, Mrs Ancred

- Please don't drink from that cup
- Why on earth shouldn’t I?

Oh, no, Mrs Ancred, I was
talking to Miss Orrincourt

I’ll just take that, miss

Barker told me Miss
Orrincourt was leaving

So, what was your little scenario?
Trapped murderess commits suicide?

Something like that

You'll be all right now, miss

Good old Troy. She held the key...
without knowing it

Someone, Sir Henry told her, had
been tampering with his papers

What if those papers happened to be
the rough drafts of the two wills?

And if so, who was more likely to
see them than Millamant Ancred?

Well, now you see, she knows.
There are two wills

She knows the contents
of both of them

and she knows that Sir Henry intends to
announce the terms of only one of them

So, she sees a chance,
once and for all,

to put an end to the old
man's shilly-shallying

She orders crayfish for
the birthday feast

and in case that and the
champagne don't do the trick,

she gives them a helping hand

She spikes the old man's milk of
magnesia with a lethal dose of thallium

Then she pours out an extra
helping just in case

In case of what?

In case the old man
announces will number two

The one that leaves the whole
kit and caboodle to Sonia

If he had,

Miss Orrincourt would never
have lived to collect

She nearly didn’t

That's the trouble with women
when they take up poison

They never know when to stop

Especially in the
case of a woman who

pretends to be the most
common-sensical of mothers

But whose son is in fact the adored
be-all and end-all of her life

She gave up everything
for that little twerp

She abandoned her acting career

and she became a sort of unpaid
housekeeper to Sir Henry, a drudge,

and all so that
Cedric might inherit

It’s all right. It’s all right

When Sir Henry signed the
second will late that night,

the beloved Cedric was out in the cold,
and the hated Sonia was in the warm

When Miss Orrincourt announced
her decision to leave today,

well, that was
Millamant's last chance

Well, it's the cat
that I feel sorry for

- Cheerio, lads - Cheerio

Bye now

- Good afternoon
- Good afternoon

I realise we've missed lunch

but if there's anything
you can do for us,

we’d be extremely grateful

Matter of fact, you're in luck

A lady came in not
half an hour ago

We took pity on her

and there's what's left of a leg of mutton.
Enough for two

Sir, you're a prince among men

Do you know, Breir, if ever I marry a
wife, I’ll marry a landlord’s daughter

- Shakespeare again, sir
- Lamb, actually

For then I may sit in the bar
and drink cold brandy and water

- Troy!
- Well, you didn’t even tell me who did it