All in the Family (1971–1979): Season 6, Episode 5 - Mike's Pains - full transcript

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played

♪ Songs that made the hit parade

♪ Guys like us, we had it made

♪ Those were the days

♪ And you knew
where you were then

♪ Girls were girls
and men were men

BOTH: ♪ Mister,
we could use a man

♪ Like Herbert Hoover again

♪ Didn't need no welfare state

♪ Everybody pulled his weight

BOTH: ♪ Gee, our
old LaSalle ran great



♪ Those were the days ♪

Ten down.

"French word for
'yes', three letters."

It's easy. Oui.

W-E-E.

(KNOCKING ON
DOOR) EDITH: Archie!

Come on in, Edith,
the door's open.

Oh, would you open
it for me, please?

My hands are full.

Aw, jeez, what the
hell did she buy now?

I'm comin', Edith.

Oh, thanks, Archie.

Here, would you
hold those, please?

Two brooms? Wasn't
one enough to fly home on?



Ferguson's Market was
havin' a one cent sale.

If you bought one broom, they
give you another one for a penny.

Yeah, but how could we use
two exactly-the-same brooms?

Well, I was figurin' on
givin' one to Mike and Gloria.

Aw, jeez. Well, give
them the penny one.

I can't remember
which was which.

The one they
gave you last, Edith.

Look at all the toilet paper.

You got enough for
a trip to Mexico, here.

Guess who's comin' over to
Mike and Gloria's house tonight?

To their house?
The Chicago Seven.

No, Sybil Gooley from
Ferguson's Market.

Aw, jeez, the short-change
artist at the checkout counter.

What did they
invite her over for?

She invited herself.

See, she can predict,

if Gloria's baby is
gonna be a boy or a girl.

How is she gonna do that?

Oh, I don't know
how she does it.

It's some kind of
a mysterious gift.

Well, I've heard of mind
readers, but never a belly reader.

Oh, Sybil can do it real good,

she inherited it from her
mother and her grandmothers,

'cause she's the seventh
daughter of a seventh daughter.

Ain't that interesting? Hmm.

I wonder what that means?

It means she's always last
on the line outside the can.

Hi! Hi, Daddy. Hey,
Ma, guess what?

I'm showin'. Showin' what?

Can't you see?

Oh, I'm sorry, Gloria, but
I don't see nothin' showin'.

Showin' what?

Ma, but... I'm sure you can see.

Maybe if I turn this way, huh?

Well, I know what
you mean, Gloria,

but I don't see nothin' yet.

But, Ma, I've been waiting
four months for this moment,

don't tell me you can't see it.

Oh, sure! Yeah.

Oh, yeah, there's a little
somethin'. Yeah, you're showin'.

Showin' what?

Daddy, the baby!

Don't do that to your father!

Gloria, come on
upstairs with me.

I got a surprise
I bought for you.

Ma, what is it?
Oh, I can' tell you,

it's bad enough I know, 'cause
it spoiled the surprise for me.

If you're gonna do anymore showin'
up there, pull down the shades.

Hi, Arch, is Gloria here?

Yeah, she's upstairs showin'.

Showin' what?

What you've done.

Oh, you mean the baby's showin'?

She thinks it's the baby,
looks like a big lunch to me.

How do you like that,
she's showin' already.

Gee, I wonder when the
baby's gonna start to kick?

As soon as he finds out
his old man's a Polack.

All right, that's it.
Goodbye, I'm leavin'.

Oh, come on, come back.
I didn't mean nothin' by it.

You know your grandson
is gonna be half Polish?

Yeah, but I didn't
think we had to tell him.

How you gonna talk to him? You
gonna call him a Polack? No, no.

You gonna tell him stupid
little Polish jokes? No, no.

You're gonna say, "Sonny boy, you know
why they don't make ice cubes in Poland?

"Because the scientist who
invented the formula died!

(LAUGHS) No, no.

"Isn't that funny, little boy?

"You wanna hear another
funny one, little boy?

"You know why they don't
have fly swatters in Poland?

"Because it's against the law
to kill the national bird!" No, no.

I ain't gonna tell him
that, no. Isn't that funny?

That's real funny, Arch. Is that the
way you're gonna talk to your grandson?

No, no, no! I ain't gonna hurt his
little feelings with things like that.

Let me tell you somethin', anybody
who makes a Polack crack to my grandson

gets a shot in the mush from me.

I hate people that are always
callin' other people names.

Now, your Irish mix.

Your Irish mix are
very big on that.

With all their jokes, see.

And the mafia. Now, the mafia, they're
the ones that started the Polack jokes

to take the heat
off of the dagos.

No, I don't want no more of
your racial jokes around here,

because I can't stand people who
are always knockin' minororities.

What's the matter, my fly open?

Gloria, you better
get down here,

I can't stand being
with this guy alone!

Come on down, will you?
What are youse doin' up there?

GLORIA: Be down in a minute!

Gee, they're showin'! What are
they showin'? What is there to show?

I don't know, Arch, she's not
supposed to show for another month.

Hey, I hope the
baby's not too big?

What do you mean, big? Babies
only come in one size, little.

Arch, what I mean is
that Gloria's a little girl.

I just hope she doesn't have
much pain when she gives birth.

Oh, well, well, you can't
get around that, Meathead,

because women are supposed
to have pain in childbirth.

I mean, that's one of
God's commandments.

One of God's commandments?

Yes. Yes, I said the Bible.
If you read it, you'd know.

It's right in the beginnin'
there, in the book of Generous.

The Lord said to the women,

"In pain, shall youse
bring forth children."

God said "youse"?

Yeah.

He must've been hangin' around the
Lower East Side of heaven that day.

There was no New
York, in heaven, dopey.

He said that in the Garden of Eden,
when he told Eve not to eat the apple.

But she ate it anyhow.

And the snake was
there, and he rattled on her.

And then God ever
after punished women

by givin' 'em, here, what
do you call, your labor pains.

First God tells women
to be fruitful and multiply,

then when they do,
he makes 'em suffer.

That doesn't make any sense.

It ain't supposed to
make sense. It's faith.

Faith! Don't you know that?

Faith is somethin'
that you'll believe

that nobody in his
right mind will believe in.

Can't you see that?

So, "In pain, shall youse
bring forth your children"?

Yes. Because Eve ate
the apple, like I told you.

How do you know it wasn't
a peach or a kumquat?

Because God didn't
invent them fruits yet.

He started with the
A's. A for apple. Get it?

If he started with the A's, how
do you know it wasn't an avocado?

Because it wasn't. Now, you
know how I know that? How?

Because, look, what
you got, right there.

That's an Adam's apple,
not an Adam's avocado!

Get ready, everybody!

Gloria's gonna model
her new maternity blouse.

This is the way she's gonna
look in her ninth month.

(SCATTING)

♪ Let me entertain you

♪ Make you smile

♪ A few tricks, some old
and then some new tricks

♪ I'm very versatile

♪ Oh, I wish that I could
shimmy like my sister Kate

♪ Boom! Oh! Cut that out!

♪ She shimmies
like a jelly on a plate

♪ And when she
shimmies on the bus, y'all say

♪ They say, boom shaka laka
laka boom shaka laka laka boom ♪

(GASPS)

What is this? The
disgustin' follies, here?

Congratulations, Mr. Stivic,

you are now the proud father
of a bouncing five pound pillow.

Aw. Aw, look, honey,

he looks just like you,

he's got your nose
and your eyes.

He's got his whole
head full of feathers.

Now, listen, cut it out.
No more with this foolin'.

Archie, they're just havin' fun.

You ain't supposed to have fun
with nothin' as delicate as childbirth.

Let me tell you, little girl, havin' a
baby, that ain't no barrel of monkeys.

Oh! Gloria, that ain't true.

Havin' a baby can be one of
the happiest times of your life.

Yeah, Michael and I
have been talking about it.

And when my time comes,

he's gonna make things as
pleasant as possible for me.

How's he gonna do
that? Leave town?

No. I'm gonna have
natural childbirth.

And when the baby's born,
Michael's gonna be right there

in the delivery room to see it.

ARCHIE: Wait. Wait.

Wait. Wait.

He's gonna be what?

You heard me. He's gonna be
right there. Aren't you, honey?

That's right.

You gonna be in there
watchin' a terrible thing like that?

Archie, it ain't terrible.

Oh, lots of husbands today

are with their wives when
they're havin' their baby.

I read an article about it once,

in the Reader's Digest.

It was called "I
Am Mary's Uterus."

What the hell has a musical
instrument got to do with this?

Daddy, you don't understand.

I understand that a father ain't
supposed to be in the delivery room.

Jeez, even the doctors are a
little ashamed to be in there.

I mean, that's one of the
reasons they wear their masks.

Daddy, Michael wouldn't miss this
experience for anything, would you, honey?

That's right.

Yeah, these days,

young husbands enjoy
bein' in the delivery room,

watchin' their babies
come into the world.

Yeah. Michael doesn't
wanna be in a waiting room

and then have some nurse
come hand him a bundle,

like it was an order
from Colonel Sanders.

Well, why does he have
to be in the delivery room?

Even the Colonel don't jump into
the pot to watch the chickens cook.

Daddy, you're
bein' really silly.

Michael's lookin'
forward to this.

Aren't you, honey? Right.

I'm warnin' you, buddy, you better
not go into that cuttin' room there.

You'll pass out in there.

Did you ever see them
snippin' an umbiblical cord?

You'll pass out in there.

Daddy, would you
stop tryin' to scare him?

Michael can't wait for the
big day, can you, honey?

Right.

Ah, well, you're
crazy, the two of youse.

The whole world is goin'
to hell in a bucket, jeez!

What's the use of talkin'?
No sense of decency no more.

Hey, even when Arthur the cat
had kittens, we stayed away from her.

Well, we had to.

Arthur didn't like it 'cause
you was always steppin' on her.

Daddy never understands
anything that's new or different.

He doesn't realize what a thrilling
experience this is gonna be for you.

Yeah!

So, honey, why are
you bein' so quiet?

Why don't you tell
him how you feel?

Oh, uh, you're
doin' fine without me.

Michael, speak up.

Uh, well...

To be perfectly
honest with you, I, uh...

What?

Well, I... I never, uh...

I don't know how
I'm gonna react.

I've never been in the
delivery room before.

Neither have I.

Yeah, but, honey, you're
gonna be there for a reason.

Me? I'll just be standin' around,
gettin' in everybody's way.

You get in the way in there,
you're liable to lose an organ or two.

I'm getting the feeling that
you're not exactly thrilled

about this beautiful experience
we plan to share together.

Honey, uh, I... I never
was exactly thrilled.

But you kept saying
you were thrilled.

Wait a second, wait a
second, wait a second.

No, no, you kept
saying I was thrilled.

And I was hoping I would be.

But, uh, to tell
you the truth, uh,

I don't think I can be in the
room with you when you deliver.

You didn't mind being in the room
with me when you placed the order!

Now you wanna back out!

Oh, Gloria, try to understand.

Oh, I do. I understand.
But tell me one thing.

When I'm in that delivery
room, how do I back out, hmm?

Ah.

Great meal, honey.

That pot roast was never better.

Really outdid
yourself tonight, Gloria.

(EXHALES)

Oh, that meal was tops!

(IN FALSETTO)
Thank you, Michael.

You're welcome, Gloria.

(IN FALSETTO) I love you.

Thank you.

I wanna tell you that
this has been a gala day.

(IMITATING GROUCHO MARX)
And a gal a day's enough for any man.

Oh, come on, honey.

We've always talked
things out in the past.

Don't give me the
silent treatment.

You realize it's been hours
since you said one word to me?

Oh, you want one word?
I'll give you one word.

Chicken. Oh, come on.

Chicken! Chicken! Chicken!

Gloria!

(IMITATING CHICKEN CLUCKING)

You're acting
childish. No, you are.

You don't even have the guts to be with
your own wife when she's having your baby!

You just wanted
all the fun, huh?

Hit-and-run.

But when the chips are down and
I need you there, where are you?

Nowhere.

I was better off with
the silent treatment.

Gloria, try to put
yourself in my place.

No, you put
yourself in my place.

Now, what if you
were having the baby?

And you'd planned on me being
there and then I backed out on you?

What would you think of me?

I'd think you were
chicken, like me.

Gloria, just because I don't
wanna be in the room with you,

doesn't mean I
don't want the baby.

I want the baby.

Oh, you want a
baby? Okay, chicken.

Here's an egg, go hatch one.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR) EDITH: Hello!

Oh, Mike. Hi!

I brought a cake over for
when Sybil Gooley gets here.

Gloria's in the kitchen.

Oh. Gloria?

Oh, hi there, Meathead. Hi.

What are you so
down in the mouth for?

You made the right decision
to stay out of that cuttin' room.

You took my advice
for once in your life.

All I got to say is,
congratulations, put it there.

First time in six years
I shook your hand,

you've been walkin' around
with an egg in it the whole time?

The sink, the water, the
towel, something, huh?

Look at what this
guy done. Jeez.

Oh, boy, I can't wait
to taste that cake, Ma.

I can't wait for Sybil
Gooley to get here

and tell us whether you're
gonna have a boy or a girl.

Oh, Ma, you don't really
believe in that, do you?

Aw, jeez, you're still on
that Sybil Gooley malarkey?

Oh, it's gonna be fun,
you gonna love it, Archie.

It's like a magic show.

If you believe in it, it's fun.

Oh, if she's such a hot
predictor, how come at the market,

she's gotta open
up the paper bags

to tell whether you
bought cherries or grapes?

That's 'cause she only does
babies, she don't do fruits.

I wish she'd get here,

I'm anxious to find out
what you're gonna have.

Ain't you, Mike?

If he was, Ma, he'd be in
the delivery room with me.

Hey, you know, this
is a nice chair here,

let this be my chair
when I'm over here, huh?

(DOORBELL RINGING)

That must be Sybil Gooley.

Aw, jeez, the dame
with the x-ray eyes.

Hi, Sybil! Come
on in. Hi, Sybil!

Let me take your coat. I
came straight from work.

Listen, I'm readin' a lady in
her eighth month at 9:00 sharp.

So I got 20 minutes tops.

Hi Archie, where's
Gloria? Hi. Hi.

She's in the kitchen. Yeah,
but before you see her,

I want your expert opinion
on somethin' here, Sybil.

Have a look at that.

What do you think I'm
gonna have, a boy or a girl?

You? You're gonna
have twin six packs.

Why don't you sit down?

Yeah, oh, but not in my chair,
Sybil, over there, huh? Here.

Hot coffee! SYBIL: Oh,
Gloria, there you are.

Oh, hi, Sybil.
You look adorable.

Thanks. Listen, I
ain't got much time.

So, come on, let's see
what we got over here,

lay down on the couch and
give me your wedding ring.

Get out of the way, Mike.

Well, I don't see how you're
gonna see into a girl's stomach.

Unless she's got a
keyhole for a bellybutton.

Listen, I never miss,
and I'm never wrong.

I'm gonna give her
the ring on a string test.

Well, how does it work?

You hold the
string over the baby,

and if it swings back
and forth, it's a boy,

if it swings in a
circle, it's a girl.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)
Now, everybody quiet. Shh!

Shh. Shh.

Shh! Shh.

What is this? Lights
out at the reptile house?

(ALL SHUSHING)

Mmm-hmm, mmm-hmm,
beginnin' to move.

It's beginnin' to move,
it's startin' to move.

There it goes, there it goes.

Ain't this mysterious?

Yeah, it's crapola, too.

Here it goes. It's
movin'. It's movin'.

It's movin', it's
movin' back and forth.

Yeah. It's startin' to
move back and forth,

What's that? That means,
that's means it's gonna be a boy.

Gonna be a boy? It looks
like it's gonna be a boy.

Yeah, yeah! It's gonna be a boy!

Here it goes, it's a boy!

It's a boy!

No, no, it's not gonna
be a boy. Hey! Wait a...

What are you doin'? What?

No, it's startin' to go round.

It's round. It's goin' around.

When it goes in a circle
that means it's a girl.

Don't let it do
that! It's a girl.

When it swings in a
circle, it's gonna be a girl!

Well, make it go the
other way, back and forth.

Daddy! Shh!

Don't do that, you're
blowin' it into a female.

Back and forth, back
and forth. No. In a circle!

In a circle! Will you
stifle yourself here?

Shut up, everybody! It's
swingin' back and forth.

Back and forth. Come on.
There it is. It's goin' back and forth.

It's gonna be...

I think it's gonna
be a... Gloria.

Gloria... Huh?

Keep it goin'! It's
no question about it.

It's swingin' back
and forth. Yeah.

Yeah. It's gonna be a boy!

A boy!

There it is. I'm a winner,
we're gonna have a boy.

I thought you said
it was crapola?

Well, yeah, until I seen
it with my own eyes.

I was hopin' it would be a girl.

But boys are nice, too.

Well, listen, it didn't
take much time,

I got some time
for coffee and cake.

Oh, good! Okay!

Hey, Sybil.

Uh, Ma tells me that
you have three children?

No, four. Everybody
forgets Melvin.

How come they forget Melvin?

He was born durin' a garbage
strike, so nobody noticed.

Why? Why do you ask, Mike?

Well, uh,

when you were givin' birth, did
you... did you have much pain?

Sure, I had plenty.

But you got nothin'
to worry about.

It ain't gonna hurt you.

Certainly she had pain.

I told you that,
it's in the Bible.

They mentioned me in the Bible?

The Lord, in the Bible,
said to the women,

"In pain shall youse
bring forth children."

And you know why
the Bible said that?

Yeah, because the
Bible was written by men.

That's right.
Matthew, Mark, Luke...

Sure, there wasn't no
Patty, Maxine or Laverne.

Here's your beer.
Yeah, you're a good girl.

I know.

You men, you're such
cowards, you're so afraid of pain.

If you had to give birth,
nobody'd ever get born.

Can I ask you somethin' else?

Uh... Your husband, was he
with you in the delivery room?

My Harry?

Let me tell you
somethin' about my Harry,

with our first three babies,
he drove me to the hospital,

but with our fourth baby,

when I said "Harry, it's time",

he hands me the keys to the car.

So your husband wasn't
with you in the delivery room?

Oh, no. My Harry couldn't
do somethin' like that.

Then he missed the
biggest thrill of his life!

Oh, I'll never forget
when Gloria was born.

Don't make this long, Edith.

That hurt me.

The doctor said it was so easy.

He started telling jokes!

And me and the
nurses was all laughin'!

And then I heard
the baby's first cry.

Oh, my, look, I got goose
pimples thinkin' about it.

Do you remember that, Sybil?

Oh, they was the most thrillin'
moments in my whole life.

I was only sorry that my Harry

wasn't there to hear it with me.

I was lookin' at the doctor.

And I could see the whole
miracle of Gloria's birth

right in his eyes.

And the only thing
I could think of was,

I wish they was Archie's eyes.

Oh, leave me out of it.

That hurt me!

Listen, Sybil, I don't
care about nothin' else,

but the ring in a
string test was swell,

I just hope it works.

Well, listen. If you
want a second opinion,

I can always give
her the Drano test.

The, uh, t-the what? The
Drano test? What's that?

Well, you pour a little
Drano into a porcelain dish,

and the pregnant
woman spits into it.

And then what happens?

What happens is, there's a
dish I ain't never gonna eat out of.

(MOANS)

Oh, honey, are you sure? Yes.

Yes, I figured, there'll be plenty of
room for me in that delivery room,

I won't get in anybody's way.

Oh, come on, that's not the
reason you changed your mind.

No.

I figured,

if you're gonna see our
baby's birth in somebody's eyes,

I want 'em to be mine.

(WHISPERS) I love you.

Unless I pass out.

Well, if you do, I'll have the doctor
give you mouth to mouth resuscitation.

Make it the nurse and
you got yourself a deal.

MALE ANNOUNCER: All in
the Family was recorded on tape

before a live audience.