All in the Family (1971–1979): Season 6, Episode 4 - Archie the Hero - full transcript

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played

♪ Songs that made the hit parade

♪ Guys like us, we had it made

♪ Those were the days

♪ And you knew
where you were then

♪ Girls were girls
and men were men

BOTH: ♪ Mister,
we could use a man

♪ Like Herbert Hoover again

♪ Didn't need no welfare state

♪ Everybody pulled his weight

BOTH: ♪ Gee, our
old LaSalle ran great



♪ Those were the days ♪

Hey, Ma, thanks for
the use of your tub.

Oh, anytime, Mike.

What did you say
was wrong with yours,

it's all stuffed up?

Yeah, with Gloria.

She's been parked in
there for over 45 minutes.

Oh, well, you've got
to remember, Mike,

with the baby coming
along, she's washing for two.

(LAUGHING)

Oh, my! Look at the time.

Archie'll be home any minute

and his breakfast
better be on the table.

He's been driving
Mr. Munson's cab all night.



Mike, would you
like some breakfast?

Oh, no. No, no, Ma.
When I moved next door,

I swore I would
never eat here again

and have Archie
call me a moocher.

Buttermilk pancakes.

I'll have six to go.

(DOOR SLAMMING)
ARCHIE: Hi, Edith.

Edith, I'm home. Come over
here. Oh, here's Archie now.

Coming!

Whoop-dee-doo, whoop-dee-doo!

How was your night?

Oh, wait till you hear what
happened to me tonight, Edith.

Hi, Arch.

Aw, jeez! Look at this.

Are you moving back or
were you just paying us

a short visit in
your Polish tuxedo?

He's... He's sorry, Mike.

Come on, tell us the news.

Oh, Edith, you're
looking at a hero.

What I done in my cab
tonight, you'll never guess.

You picked up a Puerto Rican.

I said I was a hero,
not a daredevil.

Get out of the way.

What I'd done was a good deed

for a lady passenger
in big trouble.

Archie, you delivered a baby?

Edith, how the hell are you
gonna get hot water in a cab?

What... What happened?

Well, things was
kind of slow, see,

so I cruised over to Kennedy.

Kennedy Airport?

No, Cape Kennedy. I'm looking
to pick up a fare to the moon.

Will you stifle yourself

and let me finish
the story here, huh?

Get out of the
way. Get over there.

Sit down there, Edith,
huh? Now listen to me.

I'm over at Kennedy
about 10 minutes,

when all of a
sudden, this big, tall,

beautiful-looking classy
dame hops into the cab.

And she says to me, "The
Northern Motor Inn, please."

The Northern Motor Inn.

That's right around here.

That's where they put
me up when I did jury duty.

Oh, I'll never forget it.

My room was on the 10th floor.

Don't say nothing, huh, Edith?

That's just what the judge said.

He... He told us not to
say nothing to nobody.

So whenever I
got on the elevator

and the operator
asked, "Floor, please?"

I'd just raised 10 fingers.

Can't you see
that your little story

is killing my big story?

Oh, I'm sorry, Archie.

So... Tick a lock.

What?

Tick a lock.

Don't you remember?

When you were a kid,
and somebody told you

something that you wasn't
supposed to tell to nobody else,

you went tick a lock
and your lips were sealed.

Well, do that and shut up also.

Now, where was I?

Uh, lady got into your cab.

Yeah, lady got into my cab.

So, I'm driving along there
about 6:30 in the a-of-m,

and I'm making a small
chitter-chatter, you know.

And all of a sudden, it hits me.

For about 15 minutes, she
ain't been saying nothing at all.

See, but that ain't natural for
a dame, especially a big one.

So, I check in the
rear-view mirror

and I see she
ain't sitting there.

Archie, you forgot
to take her along.

Tick your lock and swallow
the key. I'm driving here.

All right, she ain't there.

So, I pull the cab over to
the side there, you see?

And I stop it like
this here. All right?

Open the door,
get out of the cab.

You forgot to close the door.

That's all right, don't
worry. I'll take care of it.

So, Edith, I look in the back
and there she is on the floor

cold as a mackerel.

So, I hop into the
cab, back, see,

and the first thing I notice
is that she ain't breathing.

That's 'cause you're
standing on her chest.

Shut up, you!

So now, thinking
quick, I start giving her

mouth-to-mouth
restitution there.

And finally, she
starts comin' around.

Archie, do you
know what you done?

Sure, I just been
telling you what I done!

Now, along comes
this colored cop, see?

And he wants to take
over the mouth-to-mouth.

But I'm thinking
fast. I say, "No."

I send him for the
ambulance, you know.

Because, listen, if
you give a person

the wrong breath type,
you could kill that person.

(SIGHS)

She could've wound
up with a black lung.

That's right.

Archie, you saved
a human life. Yeah.

You are a hero. Yeah.

Oh!

But not in front
of the boy, Edith.

Just set the table for
breakfast and set for two.

He don't live here no more.

Oh, right away. Yeah.

Hey, Arch, where did you learn

mouth-to-mouth
resuscitation anyway?

Down at the plant. They
got a big poster in the john

telling you all about it.

I read it thousands
of times sitting there.

Oh, Archie.

Mr. Munson must've been tickled

when you told him what you done.

(ARCHIE EXCLAIMING)

to him.

All he says to me is, "Bonehead,
you forgot to collect the fare."

How do you like that?
Saying a thing like that

and I'm faced with a
woman laying there prostate?

I suppose he wanted
me to pick her purse.

Now, I couldn't
do a thing like that.

You're right. That's no
time to think of money.

Yeah, that's right. How would I
know what to tip myself anyhow?

So, I left my name, address and
phone number at the hospital, see,

so she can get in touch with me

when she gets out of, what
you call, expensive care.

Oh.

Well, that's nice, Archie. Yeah.

All Munson cared about
was the money, huh?

Well, listen, he felt a
lot better when I told him

all the publicity he's gonna get

when this thing
breaks in the papers.

You mean there was
a reporter there? No.

Well then who's
gonna tell the papers?

You are, buddy.

Oh, no, no, wait a
second. Get over here.

Get over here. Oh,
wait... wait a minute.

Get on the phone and call
the Long Island Press here,

and you tell them the
whole story like you seen it.

Yeah, but, Arch, I didn't
see it. I wasn't there.

You're the one who
should call the paper.

I can't do that. Why not?

Because heroes are
supposed to be shy.

In World War II, did
George C. Patton

call the papers every
time he blew up Italy?

Come on, get on the horn
here, it's costing us money.

No, no, Arch. I can't. You're the
one who's got to make the phone call.

I can't. Come on.

I can't. I'll tell Gloria what you
did, she'll be real proud of you.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Maybe Gloria can
call the paper for me.

No, no, she can't,
Arch. Why not?

The phone won't
reach to the tub.

What the hell is
he talkin' about?

Archie, you know something?

I ain't been so proud of you

since Uncle
Willie cut his finger

carving the Christmas turkey
and you stopped the bleedin'

by tyin' it up with
the string they use

to tie up the turkey's
you-know-what with. Remember?

How can you do
that all in one breath?

Well, ever since
I was a little girl...

Cut! Come here.

Put the pancakes over
there. Get to the phone.

I want you to do something.

I want you to call up
the Long Island Press.

What'll I tell 'em?

You're just gonna tell 'em
the story I told you here.

The whole truth.

You wanna report a hero. Okay?

Oh, all right. All right.

Now, I'll dial
Information, see? Oh.

Get the number of the paper.

And when you get the paper,

you ask for the guy that
runs the front page, see?

Meantime, I'll be upstairs
reading in the library.

Hello, operator,
would you please

give me the number of
the Long Island Press?

(DOORBELL RINGING) Oh, uh...

Excuse me, operator,
I can't talk to you now.

I'll call you back
later. Yeah. Goodbye.

Coming!

Oh, hello. Hello.

Is this the Bunker residence?

Yeah, I'm Mrs. Bunker.

Oh, I'm Beverly LaSalle.
Is your husband home?

Well, he's busy right now.

I got your address
from the hospital.

Mr. Bunker saved
my life this morning.

Oh, you're the one.
Well, come on in.

(EXCLAIMS)

Well, uh, sit down.

Here, wait a
minute. I'll give you...

Here.

Well, how are you feelin' now?

Oh, much better now. Thank you.

The doctors said it was
complete exhaustion.

I'd been working very hard,
and I guess I was just worn out.

Oh, well, it's good thing
you wore out with Archie.

'Cause he learned how
to save people's lives

in the toilet at work.

Oh, he saved mine in a cab.

It was foolish of me to
work three shows a night

for 10 weeks straight
without a night off.

Are you in show business?

Yes.

I'm a female impersonator.

Ain't that interesting?

You know that's smart, too.

I mean,

who can imitate a
female better than a lady?

I'm afraid you don't
understand Mrs. Bunker.

I'm a transvestite.

Well, you sure fooled me.

I mean, you ain't
got no accent at all.

Thank you.

I... I really can't
stay very long.

I just wanted to thank
your husband personally.

But, well, you say he's busy?

(TOILET FLUSHING)

Uh, not anymore.

Archie, uh, come on
down, you got a visitor.

ARCHIE: I ain't
receiving, Edith.

Oh, it's the lady whose
life you saved this morning.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, her!

Oh, listen, hang on to
her. I'll be right down.

H-He'll be right
down. Thank you.

Would you like some coffee?

Oh, not a thing. Thank you.

I'm already late for rehearsals.

I'm opening tonight at
the new Pink Tiger Theater.

On Northern Boulevard? Yes.

That used to be
the old Pink Tiger.

Well, well, well, well, well.

Gee, here you are.
Well, good to you see you.

The last time I seen you,
you was laid out pale as a goat.

How're you feeling?

Oh, just fine. Thanks to you
knowing exactly what to do.

Oh, listen, it was a pleasure.

I just wish there was some way
I could express my appreciation.

Well, I can't think
of nothing, except,

well, maybe the cab
fare plus whatever.

Oh, my goodness, I completely...

Wasn't that silly of me?

Here. This should cover it.

Oh, wait a minute. The fare
was only eight and a quarter.

I can't break that bill. Oh,
that's all for you. I insist.

Do you know that this is a $50?

Yes.

Well... Okay, I never
say no to a lady.

I was telling your wife,
Mr. Bunker, I'm no lady.

Ah.

Well, listen,

how you earned this $50
is no business of mine.

I will just say,
"Thank you, miss."

Unless youse girls
like to be called "Ms."?

Why don't you call me "mister"?

I would never have
guessed she was a man

until she took his hair off.

I mean, until he
took her hair off.

Well, anyway, his hair came
off and there she was, a man.

I can imagine the
look on Archie's face.

Yeah. It was kind of like the look he
had on his face when he first met you.

Yeah, I remember that look.

Like a cow that just
stepped on its own udder.

Ooh, I wish I had been
there for the unveiling.

Oh, Mike, now, please,
don't tease Archie.

He feels very funny about this.

I mean, he ain't never
even hugged a man before.

Ma, would I tease Archie,
a sensitive guy like me?

You got any cake to
go with this milk? Yeah.

ARCHIE: Hi, Edith.
Edith, I'm home.

There's Archie. Here,
you help yourself, Mike.

Here, Archie!

Oh, jeez, Edith,
I'm still like this here.

Where did you go?

Down to the drug store,
we'd run out of laborosis.

Hey, Arch.

Hold this.

You're back, huh? What'd you
come over to mooch this time?

Nothin', Arch.

I just ran over because I
was feeling a little bit faint.

Get him out of my house!

You told him and I told you
not to say one word to nobody!

Mike is family.

Gloria is family.

What's standing behind me
is an accident of marriage.

(GROANING) Arch,
what are you ashamed of?

You're a hero. You saved a life.

Yeah, lifeguards give
mouth-to-mouth all the time.

Listen, Edith, lifeguards' victims
is always wearing bathing suits.

So lifeguards know who
they're mouth to mouthin'.

This freak took my breath
under an assumed sex.

Arch, the man is not a freak.

Outside of wearing
women's clothes,

he could be just
like anybody else.

Well, I'd never let my sister
marry one or my brother neither.

Let me ask you one question.

Don't ask me nothin'.

I don't want to hear
no more about it.

It's over and done and
forgotten. Case closed.

Just one question.

Ain't you got no ear holes?

I said, "Case closed."

If you had known that that guy was a
man, would you have saved his life?

Dumb question.
'Cause I didn't know.

Yeah, but if you had known,
what would you have done?

I suppose I would
have got a fag fireman.

So, all right, so you're
saying that if you knew

he was a transvestite,
you would've let him die.

Oh, Mike, no. ARCHIE: Aw, jeez!

Archie wouldn't have done that

because Archie
is a good Christian.

That's right.

Of course, he might
have closed his eyes

when their lips was
pressed together.

Don't help me
over there, will you?

Just tick your lock.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

MIKE: I'll get it.
EDITH: I'll get it.

I'll get that. I'll get that!

Get out of here. You
don't live here no more.

Get over there
and tick your lock.

What?

Oh, it's you, huh, Munson?

No, no. I didn't tell the paper

'cause I don't
want no publicity.

What do you mean "hero"?
Don't tell me nothin' about heroes.

The best heroes is
the unstrung heroes.

Hey, hey, don't come over here.

I ain't gonna be here.
I'm going down to Kelcy's.

Goodbye, you jerk.

What?

You still didn't answer my
question. Oh, here we go again.

If you had known
he was a transvestite,

would you have let him
die? Aw, jeez! Edith...

Mike, Archie would
not let him die.

It says in the Bible, "Love thy
neighbor as you love yourself."

There. W-W-Wait a minute.
It also says in the Bible

that a witness shall not bear
falsies against thy neighbor.

Which is what that
fag bore up against me.

Fag? You don't even know
what you're talking about.

It just so happens that the majority
of transvestites are heterosexual.

That's what I said, "fagolists."

Not homosexual, heterosexual.

You'd be surprised how many
married guys with kids are transvestites.

How is it you know so
much about these things?

Let me see your underwear.

Just give me a straight answer.
No! No! Let me out of here!

Would you have saved the man?

Yes, yes, all right. I
would've saved the man. Yes!

Even if I'd have known
he was a transvoisal.

But in that case, I would've
blew into him through my hat.

Ma, you know what's
nice about Archie?

What?

You can't think of
anything either, huh?

Here you go, Prince Charming.

What's that supposed to mean?

Munson told me how you gave
the kiss of life to a sleeping beauty.

What's the big deal?

A woman passes out, so I
give mouth-to-mouth, that's it.

And you get a big kick
out of doing it, huh?

You're an animal. Huh?

Everything you hear passes
right down to your carnival instinct.

This was a human
being in trouble.

Stretched out like a dead fish.

And you kissed that?

I didn't kiss nobody.

I was trying to save a life.

Them people got as much
right to life as anybody else.

What people?

Dying people.

Put a head on the
beer and shut up.

Okay, okay, coming right...

Listen, Archie, after
what you've done,

all your drinks is on the house.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

As long as you
keep it under two.

Oh, funny, funny.

Hey, Arch, I want you
to meet Jim Kitchener.

From the Long Island
Press. Oh, hey, hey, hey!

Munson, I told you I
didn't want no publicity.

Yeah, but think of the
publicity I can get for my cab.

I don't care nothin' about that.

Our paper wants to make you,
uh, Citizen of the Week, Bunker.

I... I don't want to be
the Citizen of the Week.

And here's a check for a
$100 that goes with the honor.

What can I tell
you, Mr. Koocher?

Kitchener. Whatever.

Everything. Just tell me how it all
happened. Start from the beginning.

Oh, at the beginning, Well, I
was over in Kennedy driving my...

Oh, there you are, Mr. Bunker.

Holy cow!

I'm terribly sorry to interrupt,
but I forgot something.

No. No, you didn't
forget nothin'.

You paid me my whole fare
and something else besides.

You wouldn't be the
one whose life he saved?

Yes, I would. Well, I'm Jim
Kitchener from the Long Island Press.

Oh. Say, I'd like to get a
shot of the two of you together.

Hold it. Hold it. Hold
it! Wait a minute.

Before you start anything
like that, I'd like to have

a couple of words in private
with this lady, if you don't mind.

You don't mind, do
you now? Oh, no, no.

Just step right over
here. Way over there.

What're you doin' here?
How did you find me?

Well, I called your house. Your
son-in-law said he'd be sure you were here.

I'll kill him later.

Well, you know,
I'm opening tonight

(SHUSHING) at
the new Pink Tiger...

Theater, and I wanted you and
your wife to be my guests for the show.

Oh, yeah, yeah, all right. We're
very much obliged, but listen,

while you're in here, for God's
sakes, don't take off the hair.

I mean, not even for laughs.

Because these guys in
here, they ain't liberal thinkers.

Like you and me.

You know what I mean?

Yes, I think I do.

Good. Good.

Thanks a lot for the invite and if
you're in a hurry, feel free to leave.

I'm on a rehearsal break. But
first, which way is the men's room?

Can't you hold it in?

No, I need to use the sand box.

Right through that
door. Thank you.

Now, the way it happened
here, Mr. Koocher...

Well, where is he?

He went to the men's room.

Why did you let him go there?

Because I'm tidy.

Hey, Arch, you're gonna split
that 100 bucks with me, aren't you?

Since it all happened in my cab.

Heroes don't split
nothin' with nobody.

Oh, boy!

Bunker, I just saw your
lady friend in the men's room.

Yeah, she couldn't hold it in.

She must've made a mistake.

No way, I was a medic in
the army. There's no mistake.

That's a guy in drag.

No, you must've
been seeing things.

I'm already late for rehearsal,

so maybe we better
get on with the interview.

Is something showing?

All right, Bunker,
exactly what happened?

All right. I-I-I'll explain
everything that happened.

BEVERLY: Let me tell it. Yeah, but
you ain't gonna say nothin', are you?

Well, the first thing I
remember is I felt faint in the cab,

and then Mr. Bunker
pulled over to the curb.

And the next thing I
remember, when I came to,

I was being given mouth-to-mouth
resuscitation by a truck driver.

Truck driver? Oh,
you mean cab driver.

No, no, it wasn't Mr. Bunker.
It was a truck driver.

Yeah, yeah, a
truck driver it was.

A great big guy.

B-Bigger than her.
Bigger than him. Her.

Yeah, and he had big, fat lips
on him. He could've blew up a tire.

Then why'd you take the credit?

Why?

Because it was
your quick thinking.

Mr. Bunker pulled
over to the curb.

Yeah, yeah, to
call the truck driver.

What... What driver?
Did you get his name?

No, there was no name. But he
was wearing blue overalls, right?

Right. And he, uh,
needed a shave

and he'd been eating
chili with onions.

Yeah, a thing I never eat.

How do I find this guy?

Call the teamsters.
Try a hospital.

Good idea.

And remember, it
happened in Munson's cab.

That's spelt M-U-N-S-O-N.

Aw, jeez!

All right, Mr. Bunker?

Aw, aw, jeez, beautiful.

Now, let me tell you
something... Oops!

Sorry, fella.

I just wanted to
say to you, Beverly,

for a dame, you're
one hell of a guy.

Oh, jeez!

MALE ANNOUNCER: All in
the Family was recorded on tape

before a live audience.