All in the Family (1971–1979): Season 6, Episode 3 - Archie the Donor - full transcript

Archie is up for a promotion to the dispatcher at the loading dock against Black Elmo, and decides to darken his hair to look different. He'll do anything to get the position and in doing so he signs an organ donor card without even reading it. Fearful that he won't get into Heaven if he donates his organs (because he fears that the recipients will use them for sinful purposes) he goes back to the office and asks the boss to tear up the donor card, claiming that he isn't a well man. His boss, Mr. Sanders, agrees and decides that the dispatcher job needs a healthy man who is going to be around for a long time, so he gives the job to Black Elmo instead.

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played

♪ Songs that made the hit parade

♪ Guys like us, we had it made

♪ Those were the days

♪ And you knew
where you were then

♪ Girls were girls
and men were men

BOTH: ♪ Mister,
we could use a man

♪ Like Herbert Hoover again

♪ Didn't need no welfare state

♪ Everybody pulled his weight

BOTH: ♪ Gee, our
old LaSalle ran great

♪ Those were the days ♪

Archie, you've been
up there a long time.

What are you doin'?

ARCHIE: It's personal, Edith.


Would you like me to bring
up your newspaper to read?

It ain't that kind
of personal, Edith.


Hi, Ma. Oh, hi, Mike.

Is Gloria here?

Gloria phoned.

She said to tell you she'd
be working late tonight.

Oh. Well.

I guess I'll just have
to eat leftover pizza.

Cold. Oh.

All by myself. Oh.

In that lonely house. Oh, Mike.

I'd ask you to eat with us...

I accept. What are we having?

Stewed tomatoes
and cottage cheese.

I'll heat up the pizza.

Is, uh, Archie still
on that crazy diet?

Oh, yeah. And he's
exercisin' a lot, too.

Every morning he
touches his toes 20 times

and he does knee bends...

Uh, w-w-wait a minute.
Wait a minute, M-Ma.

Archie touches
his toes 20 times?

Yeah. While he's
doin' the knee bends.

ARCHIE: Hey, who you
talkin' to down there, Edith?

It's Mike.

Oh, well, tell him to get his
face out of the refrigerator.

For your information, my
face is not in your refrigerator.

Oh, yeah?

Well, get your
butt out of my chair.

Ma, what is it with
Archie these days?

I mean, I don't ever remember
him carin' about how he looked.

Oh, Archie was always
very proud of his body.


Hey, Ma, I don't
want to worry you,

but do you think maybe
Archie's startin' to fool around?

Oh, Mike.


Oh, not Archie.

He ain't been interested in women
since the day we was married.

Youse noticed somethin', huh?

Archie, you dyed your hair.

No. I rinsed it, Edith.
This here is a rinse.

You got any left over?
I'd like to rinse my shoes.


You forgot to do your eyebrows.

Ah, to hell with them. Nobody
looks at eyebrows, Edith.

I put it all right on
the top of my head

and I had to do it all
at one time, you know.

'Cause I want the boss to
see this first thing in the mornin'.

Oh, Archie, it's beautiful.

You look like you looked when
we first started going together.

Look, Edith, this is for
business. It ain't for romance.

Old man Harris, the
dispatcher, is retirin' next week,

and one of us guys from the loadin'
dock's gonna be promoted into that job.

And they're givin' it to the
man with the blackest hair?

No. But if you look young, you
stand a better chance nowadays.

So my hair looks young.

And thank God I
always had young skin.

Huh? Look at that.

Not a varicose
vein in sight there.

Oh, that's right.
Just a few liver spots.

Them is freckles.

That's a sign of youth,
Edith. You got any of them?

No. Get out of here.

Arch, what are you going
through all this trouble for?

You got a good chance
for that promotion.

You got seniority
at the plant, right?

No, but I've been
there the longest.

Ain't... Ain't Black Elmo
been there as long as you?

Oh, yeah, Edith, but
Black Elmo is colored.

A colored guy ain't got
a Chinaman's chance.

Besides, Elmo is rootin'
for me to be the dispatcher

'cause then I'm gonna
make him the foreman. See?

And that's as high
as them people go.

What did you call Justice
Thurgood Marshall?

Foreman of the Supreme Court?

If that's what he does there.

Edith, I gotta get
this promotion.

You know, before I'm so old
that nobody wants me no more.

Oh, Archie, there'll never be
a time when I don't want you.

Even when your
hair goes grey again.

To match your eyebrows.

I'm surprised you
ain't eatin' somethin'.

That's a good idea. Oh, jeez.


Oh, I'll get it.

Yeah, I hope it's
the coast guard.

If it is, tell 'em our kitchen's
been attacked by Jaws.

Oh, hi, Irene. Hello.

Here's that yarn I
said I'd pick up for you.


Edith, does Archie know he's
got a black cat on his head?


See, Archie's tryin' to look
young for the dispatcher's job,

so he touched it up.

Edith, don't tell her nothin'.

Stop rootin' around up there.

You think darker hair is gonna
get you the dispatcher's job?

Let's just say that I'm the
one that they're gonna pick.

Unless they pick me.

Ah. Hey, Irene, how would you
like a nice home cooked meal?

Hey, that sounds good.

Go home and cook one.

Walked into that one.

Oh, Irene, he
didn't mean nothin'.

Archie was paying
you a compliment.

You're a very good cook.

You know what's the best
part about visiting you, Archie?


Leaving you.

Good night, Edith.

Oh, Irene, thanks for the yarn.

You want your dinner now?

Yeah, but I gotta
lose weight, Edith.

I hope you remember
my diuretic cottage cheese.

Oh, yeah. Right away.

I hate the taste of that stuff.

Hey, Edith, Edith, do you think

you could crush a cookie
over the cottage cheese?

Ah, that's cheatin', Arch.

Ah, shut up. Who
asked you, anyway?

You're always pokin' your face
into other people's concerns.



Can't you eat without chewin'?


Just shut your big yap.

Why do you think
God gives you lips?

To close in the noise.

All right, all right.

Don't take it out on me just because
you're worried about gettin' that job.

But can you imagine
Irene Lorenzo

thinkin' that she is
gonna get that job over me

with all that grey hair of hers?

Oh, she just might
get the job, Arch.

You know, nowadays the
government is pressuring companies

into hirin' more women
into executive positions.

I know, I know. It's a
crime against nature.

Women was
created for two things.

Makin' meals and babies.

Oh, boy.

There you go again with that
19th century thinkin' of yours.

Well, it's true. Look
at your cave women.

Why do you think your
cave women was created

with short legs and fat butts?

I don't know, Arch. But I'm
sure you got a good answer.


So they couldn't run fast.

So the men could catch 'em and force
them to make the meals and the babies.

Well, weren't there any cave
women with long legs and skinny butts

that could run
faster than the men?

Well, them the men would
have to bring down with a rock.

Now I'm startin' to catch on.

And what about the cave men

with short legs and fat butts
that couldn't catch any women?

Well, they was
probably your first fags.

I gotta get out of here.

I'm arguing about
cavemen with a caveman.


Hey, Bunky.

Hey, Elmo.

What are you doin'
around our block?

News, man. I brought
you some news.

Oh, come on in. Come on in.

Jeez, good to see you. Good
to see you. How you doin'?

It just hit me.

Twenty years we're
working together,

this is the first time
you're inside of my house.

Could be 'cause
you never invited me.

Oh, Elmo.

You know you're welcome
here at any time at all.

D-D-Did I invite you tonight?

No, you're still
battin' a thousand.

Say, Bunky, I like what
you did to your hair.

Ah, you noticed that, huh?


Come on in. Come on in.

Come on. Make yourself
at home. Sit down over here.

Oh, oh, b-b-but not in my chair.

Yeah, it's just
my personal chair.

You can sit any place
on the sofa. Here.

Sit where my son-in-law
usually sits. There.

Now what's the news?

I've got some scam that
might help you land a certain job

where you can
make it easy for me.

Oh, great. Great. Hey, uh,
you wanna stay to supper?

Can't make it.


What's the, what
do you call, scam?

Tonight, I heard,

that the boss was
into a new charity

which he was gonna ask us
all to sign up for next week.

Well, what's that
got to do with the job?

Well, if you go into
Sanders' office tomorrow

and sign up for that
charity before anybody else,

you've got to be
his fair-haired boy.

Even with that hair.

Look, I have to go.
Oh, hey, hey, listen.

Gee, that's a great idea.

I'll do that. First thing
in the mornin' at work

I'll just get in there and
I'll sign up for that thing.

You really... You really
think this looks good, huh?

Hey, if that black
spreads to the rest of you,

you're going to be
beautiful all over.

Thank you, Mr. Sanders.
Oh, you're entirely welcome.

We deeply appreciate your
company's interest in our project.

Mr. Scott, we always cooperate
with any worthwhile charity.

Well, you can't find a better
one than the organ bank.

We desperately need
eyes, kidneys, hearts.

Any functional
organs of the body.

Well, our employees
are happy to give anything

that doesn't come
out of their paycheck.

I'll come by tomorrow
with some pamphlets.

All right, fine.
I'll see you then.

Oh, excuse me. You got it.

Uh, good mornin',
uh, Mr. Sanders, there.

Uh, could I, uh, talk
to you for a minute, sir?

Who are you?

Mr. Sanders, I'm Archie
Bunker from the loadin' dock.

What did you do to
yourself? You look different.

Younger, huh? No. Different.


Well, Mr. Sanders,
the reason I'm here is

I heard you was interested
in a certain charity, you know.

And I wanted to come down early
so I'd be the first one to donate.

Oh. That's very
commendable of you, Bunker.

We need every body we can get.

Oh. Well, I'll give
anything I can.

Ah, wonderful.
Here. Just sign there.

Oh, oh, sign, huh?

We collect later.

Oh. Painlessly, huh? Yeah.

Yeah. Okay.

I'll just sign,

and then I'll get right down to
the loadin' dock, Mr. Sanders,

because I always like to be the
early worm to work, you know.

As you can tell from
looking at my work record

if you ever have any
reason to be lookin' at that.

Oh, I just may be
doing that, Bunker.

Yeah? Well, you carry this
card in your wallet at all times.

Oh, yeah.

It identifies you as a donor.

Oh, listen.

donor anything I can to help, Mr. Sanders.


Uh, I'll be right down.
Excuse me, Bunker.

Yeah, sure, sure.

What is it?

Oh, these. I don't need the
glasses to see, Mr. Sanders.

They just help me read faster.

Well, don't lose the card.

Oh, no, no, no. I
won't lose the card.

Let us see here.

"I hereby donate my body
and any organs or parts

"to be used for medical science

"to take effect on my death."


What the hell is
the matter with you?

Oh, I'm sorry, Archie. Oh.

I didn't hear you slam the door.

How was your day?

Oh, it was lousy.
It was the worst.

You know what I done
today, Edith, without knowin'?

I signed up for
Dr. Frankenstein's pet charity.

How much do you have to give?


Everything. Right up to here.

Take a look at this.

"Uniform Donor Card."

Oh, you're gonna give
them your old army uniform.

No. Just the guy
that used to be in it.

Don't you understand?

The minute I croak, they're
gonna come and take me apart.

This body that you love.

You won't have nothin' to
bury of me but a hat and a cigar.

Oh. Hmm.

Oh. Yeah.

Oh, dear. What would
the Reverend Felcher say?

He'd have to preach his
final urology over a hat box.

Edith, get me a beer, huh?

Are you goin' off your diet?

I'm gonna put on
eight layers of fat.

If it ain't easy for them
to get at my organs,

maybe they'll leave me alone.

Get me the beer, huh, while I
still got a stomach left to put it in.

All right, Archie.

Ah, cheer up, Archie.

You got a lot of years left.

And maybe, by the time
you do go to your reward,

your parts will be so old and
worn out, nobody'll want them.


Get me a beer!

Hi, Ma.

Here's Archie's cottage
cheese. Oh, thanks, Mike.

Oh, jeez, I hate
that cottage cheese.

We're having
Chinese food tonight.

Get out of here. Get back here.

I wanna ask you
something, Professor.

You ever seen one of them?

Yeah. It's an organ
bank donor card.

I got one myself.

You got one? What
do they want you for?

All your parts are Polish.
They don't fit regular people.

You know, when
they start with you,

they ought to start with
something small, like your brain.

Get out of here.

Here's your beer.

Hey, Ma, did you know
Archie signed up for this?

Oh, yeah. I know.

Ah, I didn't know I signed
up until after I signed up for it.

Well, you should be proud, Arch.

I mean, everyday they're
savin' lives with heart transplants,

kidney transplants, bone grafts.

You know, it's a... it's a
way of achieving immortality.

A part of you lives
on after you're gone.

Oh, I see.

Ain't that nice.

Two people in love can
still go walkin' hand in hand.

Even though their hands
are on two other people.

Arch, I don't know
why you're worried.

What are you worried about?

It all happens after
you're dead, anyway.

Yeah, I know. After I'm dead.

Gee, oh, when I'm dead, what are they
gonna put on my tombstone there, Edith?

Can you imagine?

"Here would have
lied Archie Bunker.

"Only he give at the office."






Archie, what are you doing?

Ah, jeez.

Edith, Edith, I just had
the most awful nightmare.

Oh, it must have been
scary. It turned your hair white.

That ain't funny. What
are you laughin' at?

You wouldn't be laughin' if you
just had the nightmare I had, Edith.

Well, why did you wash
the color out of your hair?

I thought you needed it
for the dispatcher's job.

I'm gonna have to take my
chances without the color.


Because of the nightmare I just
had, Edith. This is what I dreamed.

That I was in Munson's cab, see,
and I was takin' a nap in the cab...

Cut that out!

Are you listening to
what I'm saying to you?

All right.

I dreamed that I was in
Munson's cab, see, takin' a nap.

And all of a sudden, up
comes this mad doctor, see.

And he notices my donor
card, he pronounces me dead,

and he jerks out my
liver for a needy friend.

Without even askin'?

Edith, people ain't
polite in nightmares.

The next thing, I'm
drivin' the cab, see.

And the way it works, see, I'm...
I'm drivin' for heaven, you know,

it's a tough drive
uphill all the way.

And while I'm goin' there,
these nutty doctors are runnin' up

and they're takin' parts off
of the cab and parts off of me.

Why would they take
parts off of the cab?

You're worried about them
takin' parts off of the cab?

Not about your husband.

Oh, I'm sorry, Archie.
But it's only a dream.

I know it's only a dream,

but I'm tellin' you because dreams
try to be tellin' you things, you see?

So I'm drivin' on and I
get up to the pearly gates

and park the cab up there.

I get out, I come eyeball
to eyeball with God,

and he is sore as hell with me.

You know why?

Yeah. 'Cause you
took a cab to heaven.

You should have floated
like everybody else does.

Wrong! That wasn't the reason.

He was sore at me because he
didn't recognize me with this hair.

And he was sore at me
because I'd come back to him

without the parts he
sent me down here with.

And what really bugged him is while
I'm standin' out there with my empty skin,

all my organs are down
here with other people

breaking commandments
left and right.

My two hands
are pickin' pockets.

My feet are runnin'
away from a hold-up.

And my eyes are readin'
hard-pore cornography.

Edith, it was awful.

Oh, Archie, look at you.

You're still shakin'.

You'd be shakin', too, Edith, if you
dreamed you just flunked heaven.


Oh, uh, they told me
that you was in here.

Are you the guy from this here?

Oh, yes, yes.

I'm John Scott, Public
Relations for the organ bank.

Oh, well, I'm Archie
Bunker from the loadin' dock.

I signed up for this yesterday
but I... I got to pull out,

so if you could give
me my document there.

Oh? May I ask why?

Well, I tell you, it's between
me and... and the God.

You mean, it's
against your religion?

Well, you know, it's
kind of hard to explain.

No need to explain.

I've encountered that
religious objection before.

I imagine so. You got it there?

I must say one thing, though.

You certainly don't look Jewish.

Oh, thank you very much.

Well, we've had many
Jewish donors but

I know that orthodox Jews
are opposed to autopsies

and all forms of dismemberment.

Oh, yeah. Ever since they was
babies they can't stand knives.

I've always admired the way
you've clung to your beliefs

in spite of all the
persecution you've suffered.

I guess it isn't
easy being Jewish.

Well, that's why
most people ain't.

Thank you very much and
good luck with your organs.

Oh, hi, there, Mr. Sanders.

Bunker? Yeah.

Why do you look different
every time I see you?

I didn't sleep good
last night, Mr. Sanders.

Mr. Bunker's a little disturbed about
having to pull out of the organ bank.

Huh? You see, his problem is...

Well, I ain't in well
health, Mr. Sanders.

I just got word from the doctor.

Oh? I thought it's
because you're Jewish.


He's as Jewish as Reverend Ike.

Uh, I just assumed that...

Now, look, here, Mr. Bunker,

if you wanted to back out, you
didn't have to make any excuses.

Oh, I... I didn't
want to back out.

I... I can tell you it
was doctor's orders.

My doctor told me,

confidentially, he wouldn't
give my bones to his dog.

I hope you understand,
Mr. Sanders.

I do, I do, Bunker. And
I admire your honesty.

Oh, good, good.

I had you penciled in
for our new dispatcher.

But that's an important
job and we want somebody

who's gonna be
with us a long time.

Oh, wait a minute, Mr. Sanders.

Roxanne, have Elmo
Bridgewater report to my office.

You mean Black
Elmo's gettin' the job?


You know, Bunker,
your doctor's right.

Just one day, you look
like you've aged 10 years.

Mr. Sanders, before you
make any final decisions,

I'd like to...

Excuse me there, Mr. Organs.

Maybe I could get a second opinion.
You know, great things can happen.

They're doing so much with this
here chinky puncture nowadays.

Stuff all straightenin' out.

I might call the
chiropractor, see?


the Family was recorded on tape

before a live audience.