All in the Family (1971–1979): Season 6, Episode 24 - Edith's Night Out - full transcript
Gloria buys Edith a suit, complete with pants, but Edith isn't sure about it because Archie is against women wearing pants. She encourages Edith to ask Archie to take her out somewhere. Archie comes home in a foul mood, unimpressed with the suit and demanding that Edith get dinner on the table. She insists that he take her somewhere but he refuses, so she puts on her coat and goes down to Kelcy's. The place is crowded and Edith makes a few new friends and starts playing the piano. Archie comes in, irritated at her new found popularity and demands that she come home. She goes, but first tells her new friends that she'll be back.
♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played
♪ Songs that made the hit parade
♪ Guys like us, we had it made
♪ Those were the days
♪ And you knew
where you were then
♪ Girls were girls
and men were men
BOTH: ♪ Mister,
we could use a man
♪ Like Herbert Hoover again
♪ Didn't need no welfare state
♪ Everybody pulled his weight
BOTH: ♪ Gee, our
old LaSalle ran great
♪ Those were the days ♪
(HUMMING)
Ma?
Ma!
(BOTH SCREAMING)
Oh, Gloria.
Oh, my! I didn't
hear you come in.
Oh, Ma, I bought you something.
You bought me something?
Yeah, close your eyes.
Okay, now hold out your hands.
Oh, Gloria, you
shouldn't have done it.
I didn't do it yet.
Here, open your eyes.
Oh! What a beautiful box.
And the ribbon is so pretty.
Oh, thank you, Gloria.
Ma, the gift's on the inside.
Come on, sit down, open it up.
Oh, my. It's just a little
somethin' from me and Michael
to say thank you for
all the hours you spent
babysittin' and helpin' out,
and mainly just
for you bein' you.
Oh, Gloria.
I hope you didn't spend too
much money on me bein' me.
(GASPING)
Oh, Gloria!
How beautiful!
Ma, wait till you see here.
Looky, looky.
It's a pant suit.
Yeah!
Gloria.
I love the color and
I... I love the material
and I love you.
And you got to take
it back to the store.
Why?
It ain't that I don't
appreciate it...
But there's so many other
things you need more.
I know, but I'm not
takin' it back, Ma.
You look lovely in pants.
You're tall and you got
just the figure for 'em.
But I ain't got the
husband for 'em.
You know how Archie
feels about women in pants.
I know. The same way he
feels about men in dresses.
But, Ma, he'll get used to it.
And you'll look terrific in 'em.
But where would I wear 'em?
Out, Ma.
Oh, out. Where out?
We don't go no place.
That's just the point.
Don't you miss going out?
Well, sure I do.
Before we was married,
Archie always took me out.
Every Tuesday night,
he took me to the movies.
See, we knew we
was gettin' married
so we always
picked Tuesday night
'cause that was the night
they gave away dishes.
Of course, as soon as
we got four of everything,
plus a gravy boat, Archie
stopped taking me out.
Speaking of gravy, I
better get dinner started.
No, Ma, you're
not cooking tonight
'cause Michael and
I got a babysitter,
and we've made plans
to go out to dinner,
and we want you and Daddy
to go with us and be our guests.
Oh, thanks, Gloria.
But it's Saturday night
and Archie don't
like to go no place,
especially Saturday night.
Well, what night does
he like to go someplace?
No night. He's
scared of New York.
Well, that's the pits.
Ma, don't you wanna
go out and have fun,
be on the town, be
where the action is,
have a big dinner
in a fancy restaurant
and then boogie all night?
Oh, my.
I'd love to boogie all night.
Oh, I'm so sick and
tired of sittin' in there
and watchin' TV.
Well, then, that
does it. That settles it.
You're going out. Oh,
and Daddy will love it
'cause he won't have
to pay for a thing.
Okay, Ma. Come on, come on.
You're gonna try
on your new outfit.
And if it fits you,
you're gonna wear it
out to dinner tonight.
Oh! Why, Archie wouldn't let me
go out to dinner in pants.
Oh, he'll love it, Ma.
You'll look just like
Katharine Hepburn in it.
Isn't that Daddy's favorite?
Katharine Hepburn?
No. John Wayne.
Hi, Edith. I'm home
and I'm hungry.
Go on, now. Surprise him. Go on.
Hi, Daddy.
Hi! Hi, there, little
girl. How are you?
I'm fine. Where's Joey?
Oh, I dropped him
off over at your house.
Oh, gee. You should've
heard how he cried
when I turned him
over to the Meathead.
Oh, well, did you have
a good time in the park?
That park is a disgrace.
The only person in that park
who was drinkin' out of a bottle
that wasn't in a brown paper bag
was little Joey.
Where's your mother? I'm hungry.
Oh, she's upstairs.
She'll be down in a minute.
Hey, Edith, there!
EDITH: I'll be down in a minute!
See? Uh, Daddy, can I
talk to you about something?
Certainly, little girl. What?
Well, ever since Michael
and I moved out of the house,
you and Ma have been
spendin' a lot of evenings alone.
Yeah, I know. It's terrific.
Present company suspected.
Well, Ma looks bored.
What are you talkin' about,
bored? She ain't bored, there.
That look, there, that
she's got is the normal look
of anybody whose
mind is in neutral.
But you and Ma need
to get out of the house.
Get out of the house?
What the hell for?
I wouldn't budge
out of the house.
What, with all the terrific stuff you
got on television these days here?
Look, what do you got?
You got The Six
Thousand Dollar Man, there.
You got The Bicentonical
Woman, there.
Anybody who's gonna be
bored with dramas like that, there,
there's somethin'
wrong with them.
EDITH: Is everybody ready?
Yeah, where's
dinner, Edith, huh?
Close your eyes.
I can't eat dinner
with my eyes closed.
It's a surprise!
I hate surprises, Edith.
Okay, Ma. I got 'em covered.
Aw, jeez. Come on, down.
EDITH: Here I come.
(GASPS) Oh, Ma!
Yummy.
What is it? A lemon meringe pie?
No, Archie, now, don't get mad.
All right, you can look now.
GLORIA: Well?
Cover my eyes again.
That hurt!
Archie, you don't like it?
Now, listen youse two. I
know what you're up to.
If you expected me to holler
just because I see
you here in pants,
you're all wrong, 'cause
that was a long time ago.
And since then youse women
have come a long way, baby.
You like it!
No.
But if you wanna wear
pants, that don't offend me,
as long as you can
throw an apron around 'em
and get dinner on.
Now, get out of my way.
Let me get to my chair here.
Archie, Gloria got a babysitter
and she asked you and
me to go out to dinner tonight
with her and Mike.
(RAZZING) To going out.
Daddy, that way then
Ma doesn't have to cook.
Will you stop? You're
hurtin' me there.
Archie, we ought to get out.
I like to get out just
to see new faces.
Oh, come on. The
hell with new faces!
Jeez, I go to work
in the mornin',
come home at
night, I'm out all day.
I see all the new
faces I want to see.
That's right. But Ma doesn't.
Oh, you think she wants to see
the faces that I see all day long, huh?
You want to see them?
Come out with me.
I'll take you down
the subway there.
I'll show you some faces.
You'll look all around you there.
All right, over there.
There's a pimple-face
sucking on a cold pizza.
And he's burpin' sausage gas.
There's another face over there.
Laughin' to beat the band,
then talkin' a mile
a minute to itself.
There's another face over there.
Drizzlin' and droolin' and gettin'
ready to throw up on your shoe.
And the faces that ain't
doin' nothin' disgustin',
they look like they're
plannin' to murder you.
You want that? You like that?
Oh, Archie, I don't want to
go for a ride on the subway.
I just want to go out.
Sometimes I want to get
out of the house so bad,
I could scream.
You want to scream?
Step out on the back porch,
cut loose with a scream and
come back and make dinner.
Daddy, Ma needs to get out!
(VACUUM WHIRRING) Aw,
jeez! What is this doing here?
Get that out of there.
Not that way!
Hi, folks.
The babysitter arrived.
Everybody ready
to go out for dinner?
(STAMMERING) Wait just a second!
Oh! Oh!
Am I standing in
Edith Bunker's house?
Oh, yes.
Because for a second I
thought I made a wrong turn
and walked right into
Raquel Welch's house,
if you know what I'm saying, Ma.
Let me take a look and see.
Hey, va-va-va and voom!
Va-va-va and shut up!
Don't be making
trouble around here
'cause Raquel Walsh
ain't goin' no place tonight.
But, Daddy, Ma wants to go out.
She wants to go
where the action is.
Gloria, I'm goin' to
smack your behind!
Daddy, Ma needs to feel wanted.
She is wanted. I want her.
And I want her right here.
Yeah. You want
her here for what?
To wait on you.
You know, taking her
out is a sign of affection.
She is your wife,
not your slave.
(SCREAMING)
Keep her away from me!
Daddy, when is the last time
you said to Ma, "I love you."
None of your damn business.
And I don't want to
talk to you no more.
Michael and I say it to
each other all the time.
Yeah, it's easy. Arch, look.
Gloria, I love you.
Michael, I love you.
I love you. I love you.
Why don't the two of
youse leap hand in hand
into the middle of Lake Polack?
That's it! Let's
get out of here!
Come on, Gloria. Let's go.
Nobody's leavin' this house.
You see anybody
leavin' this house tonight,
you'll know the
house is on fire.
Oh, Ma. If he won't take
you out, you come with us.
Oh, now it wouldn't be
much fun without Archie.
Yeah, it would.
Get out of here, you!
All right. Goodbye.
Oh, Ma, you look
beautiful. And...
To you.
Where does she
get that awful habit?
Oh, Archie.
Let's go out on the town.
Let's go to a
restaurant, please.
No, no, no!
Oh, be nice.
I'm always nice.
What are you saying?
Sit down here. Let me
talk to you, here, Edith.
Didn't I just mention to
you the weirdos and freakos
and the creepos I see in
the subway everyday there?
At night they all come
out of the subway
and they're hooverin'
around every corner there.
It's their fault that
sports like me,
guys willing to
spend a little coin,
don't go out at night.
But, Archie, you go out
a couple of nights a week.
You go to Kelcy's.
That's a whole
other thing, Edith.
It's a neighborhood joint
a couple of blocks away.
I just go down there to have a
couple of beers and talk with the guys.
Well, maybe I'd like to go
out someplace once in a while
and have a beer and talk.
With the guys?
No, with you.
(GROANS)
Let's go down to Kelcy's
now, Archie, together.
Edith, you would hate that.
Well, then, let's
go to a restaurant.
I would hate that.
I'll go anyplace you want to.
Archie, come on. Tell me.
Where would you like to take me?
Well, I would like to
take you out to the kitchen
and introduce you to
some pots and pans.
Oh.
Oh, yeah, I see.
You don't want to take me
with you when you go out
'cause you wanna get
away from me. Is that right?
Oh, Edith, jeez!
Ain't that the truth? Edith!
It's the truth,
ain't it, Archie?
Edith, all right. You want
the truth? I'll tell you the truth.
The truth is that's the truth.
Sometimes. Sometimes.
Well, now, Edith,
I said sometimes.
I said, sometimes, there.
Don't go fallin' apart
on me, will you?
We're married 27 years, there.
Don't mess around
with a perfect marriage.
Where are you goin'?
I'm goin' out.
Edith, what are
you talkin' about?
Where are you goin' alone?
See, Archie,
I got to get away
from you tonight.
Edith, Edith, Edith!
I asked you where you was goin'?
Where are you goin'?
I'm goin' where the action is.
(ROCK AND ROLL MUSIC
PLAYING ON STEREO)
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
Can I help you, lady?
Right here, dear.
Where is Mr. Kelsey?
Oh, he went to the
mountains for the weekend.
Go ahead, sit down.
Here you go.
Well, name it.
Name what?
What'll you have?
Oh!
Um, ginger ale.
No, wait a minute.
Maybe, I'll have
something stronger.
7Up?
No. Sherry.
I hope you ain't drivin'.
Oh, I ain't.
Hi.
Care for someone to talk to?
No, thank you.
Why not?
I'm married.
Well, so am I. That's why I'm
looking for someone to talk to.
Well, I, uh, I hope
you find someone.
Uh, that will be 70 cents.
Put it on my tab, Harry.
Oh, no. Thank you. I'll tab it.
You live around here?
Oh, uh, yeah.
Whereabouts?
Um, oh, I ain't sure.
Come in here often?
Um, I can't remember.
Wait.
You forgot your drink.
Oh, thank you.
Hey, honey, honey.
Come on, get away from
those clowns. Come over here.
Oh!
Be my guest.
Thank you. Are you alone?
Well, at the moment.
But I'll have to ask you to
leave if Paul Newman comes in.
Oh, Paul Newman
would never come in here.
After a few of these,
they all look like Paul Newman.
Well, thanks for
asking me to sit down.
That man at the bar
wanted to buy me a drink.
Joe Foley?
You know him?
Oh, sure.
He's a nice guy.
He is?
Sure. He'll get you
through the night.
Oh, well, that's nice.
Relax, honey. Have a little fun.
Oh. Oh, thank you.
Oh, my.
Yeah, my name is Marge.
Oh, how do you do?
My name is Edith.
Hi, Edith.
Oh, it's so nice to have
somebody to talk to.
Oh, I know.
You and your old man
had a little fight, right?
Oh, yeah. That's right.
Only it was a big one.
And you came in to booze?
Oh, no, I never booze.
Cruise?
Oh, no.
The last time I cruised was
on the Hudson River Dayliner.
That's funny.
(LAUGHING)
No, I just decided that
I needed to get away
from my husband
for a little while.
Hi, Marge. Hi, Joe.
Buy you gals a drink?
Oh, no. Sure, pull up a chair.
Give us another round, Harry.
Joe Foley, this
is Edith... What?
Uh, that's right. Edith What.
How do you do?
Say, I hope I didn't offend
you back at the bar before.
Oh, no.
Now, listen, if you think I'm
gettin' out of line or anything,
you just tell me and I'll leave.
If you don't get
out of line, I'll leave.
Why don't we all get out
of line and leave together?
Oh, Joe, you're dirty.
You used to like it, Marge.
Here you are, folks.
Oh, thank you.
Here you are.
Why don't we have a toast?
Okay. Here's one for you.
Here's to the very
best years of my life,
spent in the arms of
another man's wife.
My mother.
(GIGGLING)
Oh, excuse me, you two,
but I think my Paul
Newman just came in.
Oh, are you coming back?
Yeah, I'm just gonna
be a holler away.
Oh.
Uh...
Hey, I hope... I guess you...
Go ahead. Go
ahead. No, you, you.
Well, you speak first.
Well, okay.
I hope you don't think I'm gonna
make a pass at you or anything,
not that I wouldn't
like to, you know,
but I won't.
Oh, thank you.
You know, Edith,
you're very attractive.
Oh!
Hey, you're blushing.
Yeah, I can feel it.
Ain't you used to
gettin' compliments?
Oh...
No.
HARRY: ♪ Happy
anniversary to you
Maybe it's for the Mitchells,
over there. Oh, yeah.
ALL: ♪ Happy anniversary to you
♪ Happy anniversary,
dear Mitchells
♪ Happy anniversary to you ♪
Go on, blow it out, make a wish.
(ALL CHEERING)
(ALL CLAPPING)
Come on, you love birds,
get up and dance.
♪ Oh, how we danced
ALL: ♪ On the night we were wed
♪ We danced and we danced
♪ 'Cause the room had no bed ♪
Can anybody here play the piano?
Oh, I can.
Hey, we got a piano player here.
Come on, Edith. Play it.
Be a sport. Give
us a couple of tunes.
I wonder what they want to hear.
What have we got here?
Hey, here's one for
the anniversary couple.
Time Goes By. Here you go.
This is a good one
'cause it don't have
too many black notes.
ALL: ♪ You must remember this
♪ A kiss is still a kiss
♪ A sigh is just a sigh
♪ The fundamental things apply
♪ As time goes by ♪
And when two lovers woo
♪ They still say, "I love you"
Hey, Harry, Kelsey's still
up in the mountains, eh?
Yeah. What will you have, Arch?
Give me a beer. Who's
playing the piano?
Some broad.
She's playing with
a catcher's mitt on.
♪ Moonlight and love songs
♪ Never out of date
♪ Hearts full of passion
♪ Jealousy and hate
EDITH: ♪ Woman needs man
♪ And man must have his mate
♪ That no one can deny
ALL: ♪ It's still
the same old story
♪ A fight for love and glory
♪ A case of do or die
♪ The world will
always welcome lovers
Oh!
♪ As time goes by ♪
(ALL CHEERING)
Play it again, Edith.
Oh, no, no.
I got to get home. My
husband'll worry about me.
Hey, wait a minute.
You can't leave now.
You're the life of the party.
Really? Me?
Well, sure. You.
You're terrific.
I think I'll stay.
(IMITATING EDITH)
"I think I'll stay."
Oh, Archie!
Oh, I'm so glad to see you.
Aw, jeez, I'll bet you are.
Is this a friend of yours, Arch?
Just my wife, Joe.
Oh, yeah?
You know each other?
Everybody knows
Foley the Philanderer.
Oh!
I'll see you later.
Archie, I want you to
meet another friend of mine.
Excuse me. Marge,
this is my husband.
Archie is your husband?
You know him?
Oh, yeah. No!
Oh!
You don't remember that
long conversation we had?
No. How do you remember
the long conversation we had?
Because it was so dumb.
Uh, would you excuse
us for just a minute there?
Sure, sure.
I wanna talk to my wife
here. Come here, come here.
What are you doin' in here?
A wife ain't supposed to
be makin' free in a saloon.
I ain't makin' nothin'.
I'm makin' friends.
Well, you've finished
makin' friends.
Now, you're comin' home with me.
Oh, no, Archie. I
ain't goin' home.
I like it here.
And Joe says I'm
the life of the party.
This party don't
deserve to live.
Come on. Here's your
bag and here's your coat.
No. No, I ain't goin', Archie.
Edith, Edith, Edith, listen,
listen, I can't drag you out of here.
I'll tell you what.
You didn't eat nothin' and
I didn't eat nothin', see?
So why don't the two of
us just duck out of here,
we'll go over to
Tony's Little Naples
and we'll have dinner there.
We'll have a big
bowl of spaghetti
and a plate of
that veal scalopipi.
You mean the place that's got
all them old wine bottles
hangin' from the ceiling?
They got rid of
all that junk now
and they got them classy,
smoky mirrors up there, Edith.
Oh, Archie, I'd love that.
Okay, all right. Now,
say goodbye to everybody
and let's get the
hell out of here.
Goodbye! Goodbye.
ALL: Goodbye.
Hey, Archie, you got a
great little missus there.
Edith, you're
terrific, no kiddin'.
See you next Saturday?
Yeah. No, no!
Wait a minute there.
No, not those guys there. Joe...
Next Saturday night, no,
because, uh, I'm, uh, I'm
gonna take the missus out
first to dinner, then
to a basketball game.
Oh, Archie, really?
If I can work it
out, Edith, there.
Oh! Thanks, everybody.
But Archie says next
Saturday night he's takin' me out
to dinner and a basketball game.
If I can work it out,
Edith. Come on.
Oh, just a minute.
If for any reason
Archie can't work it out,
I'll be back!
(ALL CHEERING)
MALE ANNOUNCER: All in
the Family was recorded on tape
before a live audience.
Glenn Miller played
♪ Songs that made the hit parade
♪ Guys like us, we had it made
♪ Those were the days
♪ And you knew
where you were then
♪ Girls were girls
and men were men
BOTH: ♪ Mister,
we could use a man
♪ Like Herbert Hoover again
♪ Didn't need no welfare state
♪ Everybody pulled his weight
BOTH: ♪ Gee, our
old LaSalle ran great
♪ Those were the days ♪
(HUMMING)
Ma?
Ma!
(BOTH SCREAMING)
Oh, Gloria.
Oh, my! I didn't
hear you come in.
Oh, Ma, I bought you something.
You bought me something?
Yeah, close your eyes.
Okay, now hold out your hands.
Oh, Gloria, you
shouldn't have done it.
I didn't do it yet.
Here, open your eyes.
Oh! What a beautiful box.
And the ribbon is so pretty.
Oh, thank you, Gloria.
Ma, the gift's on the inside.
Come on, sit down, open it up.
Oh, my. It's just a little
somethin' from me and Michael
to say thank you for
all the hours you spent
babysittin' and helpin' out,
and mainly just
for you bein' you.
Oh, Gloria.
I hope you didn't spend too
much money on me bein' me.
(GASPING)
Oh, Gloria!
How beautiful!
Ma, wait till you see here.
Looky, looky.
It's a pant suit.
Yeah!
Gloria.
I love the color and
I... I love the material
and I love you.
And you got to take
it back to the store.
Why?
It ain't that I don't
appreciate it...
But there's so many other
things you need more.
I know, but I'm not
takin' it back, Ma.
You look lovely in pants.
You're tall and you got
just the figure for 'em.
But I ain't got the
husband for 'em.
You know how Archie
feels about women in pants.
I know. The same way he
feels about men in dresses.
But, Ma, he'll get used to it.
And you'll look terrific in 'em.
But where would I wear 'em?
Out, Ma.
Oh, out. Where out?
We don't go no place.
That's just the point.
Don't you miss going out?
Well, sure I do.
Before we was married,
Archie always took me out.
Every Tuesday night,
he took me to the movies.
See, we knew we
was gettin' married
so we always
picked Tuesday night
'cause that was the night
they gave away dishes.
Of course, as soon as
we got four of everything,
plus a gravy boat, Archie
stopped taking me out.
Speaking of gravy, I
better get dinner started.
No, Ma, you're
not cooking tonight
'cause Michael and
I got a babysitter,
and we've made plans
to go out to dinner,
and we want you and Daddy
to go with us and be our guests.
Oh, thanks, Gloria.
But it's Saturday night
and Archie don't
like to go no place,
especially Saturday night.
Well, what night does
he like to go someplace?
No night. He's
scared of New York.
Well, that's the pits.
Ma, don't you wanna
go out and have fun,
be on the town, be
where the action is,
have a big dinner
in a fancy restaurant
and then boogie all night?
Oh, my.
I'd love to boogie all night.
Oh, I'm so sick and
tired of sittin' in there
and watchin' TV.
Well, then, that
does it. That settles it.
You're going out. Oh,
and Daddy will love it
'cause he won't have
to pay for a thing.
Okay, Ma. Come on, come on.
You're gonna try
on your new outfit.
And if it fits you,
you're gonna wear it
out to dinner tonight.
Oh! Why, Archie wouldn't let me
go out to dinner in pants.
Oh, he'll love it, Ma.
You'll look just like
Katharine Hepburn in it.
Isn't that Daddy's favorite?
Katharine Hepburn?
No. John Wayne.
Hi, Edith. I'm home
and I'm hungry.
Go on, now. Surprise him. Go on.
Hi, Daddy.
Hi! Hi, there, little
girl. How are you?
I'm fine. Where's Joey?
Oh, I dropped him
off over at your house.
Oh, gee. You should've
heard how he cried
when I turned him
over to the Meathead.
Oh, well, did you have
a good time in the park?
That park is a disgrace.
The only person in that park
who was drinkin' out of a bottle
that wasn't in a brown paper bag
was little Joey.
Where's your mother? I'm hungry.
Oh, she's upstairs.
She'll be down in a minute.
Hey, Edith, there!
EDITH: I'll be down in a minute!
See? Uh, Daddy, can I
talk to you about something?
Certainly, little girl. What?
Well, ever since Michael
and I moved out of the house,
you and Ma have been
spendin' a lot of evenings alone.
Yeah, I know. It's terrific.
Present company suspected.
Well, Ma looks bored.
What are you talkin' about,
bored? She ain't bored, there.
That look, there, that
she's got is the normal look
of anybody whose
mind is in neutral.
But you and Ma need
to get out of the house.
Get out of the house?
What the hell for?
I wouldn't budge
out of the house.
What, with all the terrific stuff you
got on television these days here?
Look, what do you got?
You got The Six
Thousand Dollar Man, there.
You got The Bicentonical
Woman, there.
Anybody who's gonna be
bored with dramas like that, there,
there's somethin'
wrong with them.
EDITH: Is everybody ready?
Yeah, where's
dinner, Edith, huh?
Close your eyes.
I can't eat dinner
with my eyes closed.
It's a surprise!
I hate surprises, Edith.
Okay, Ma. I got 'em covered.
Aw, jeez. Come on, down.
EDITH: Here I come.
(GASPS) Oh, Ma!
Yummy.
What is it? A lemon meringe pie?
No, Archie, now, don't get mad.
All right, you can look now.
GLORIA: Well?
Cover my eyes again.
That hurt!
Archie, you don't like it?
Now, listen youse two. I
know what you're up to.
If you expected me to holler
just because I see
you here in pants,
you're all wrong, 'cause
that was a long time ago.
And since then youse women
have come a long way, baby.
You like it!
No.
But if you wanna wear
pants, that don't offend me,
as long as you can
throw an apron around 'em
and get dinner on.
Now, get out of my way.
Let me get to my chair here.
Archie, Gloria got a babysitter
and she asked you and
me to go out to dinner tonight
with her and Mike.
(RAZZING) To going out.
Daddy, that way then
Ma doesn't have to cook.
Will you stop? You're
hurtin' me there.
Archie, we ought to get out.
I like to get out just
to see new faces.
Oh, come on. The
hell with new faces!
Jeez, I go to work
in the mornin',
come home at
night, I'm out all day.
I see all the new
faces I want to see.
That's right. But Ma doesn't.
Oh, you think she wants to see
the faces that I see all day long, huh?
You want to see them?
Come out with me.
I'll take you down
the subway there.
I'll show you some faces.
You'll look all around you there.
All right, over there.
There's a pimple-face
sucking on a cold pizza.
And he's burpin' sausage gas.
There's another face over there.
Laughin' to beat the band,
then talkin' a mile
a minute to itself.
There's another face over there.
Drizzlin' and droolin' and gettin'
ready to throw up on your shoe.
And the faces that ain't
doin' nothin' disgustin',
they look like they're
plannin' to murder you.
You want that? You like that?
Oh, Archie, I don't want to
go for a ride on the subway.
I just want to go out.
Sometimes I want to get
out of the house so bad,
I could scream.
You want to scream?
Step out on the back porch,
cut loose with a scream and
come back and make dinner.
Daddy, Ma needs to get out!
(VACUUM WHIRRING) Aw,
jeez! What is this doing here?
Get that out of there.
Not that way!
Hi, folks.
The babysitter arrived.
Everybody ready
to go out for dinner?
(STAMMERING) Wait just a second!
Oh! Oh!
Am I standing in
Edith Bunker's house?
Oh, yes.
Because for a second I
thought I made a wrong turn
and walked right into
Raquel Welch's house,
if you know what I'm saying, Ma.
Let me take a look and see.
Hey, va-va-va and voom!
Va-va-va and shut up!
Don't be making
trouble around here
'cause Raquel Walsh
ain't goin' no place tonight.
But, Daddy, Ma wants to go out.
She wants to go
where the action is.
Gloria, I'm goin' to
smack your behind!
Daddy, Ma needs to feel wanted.
She is wanted. I want her.
And I want her right here.
Yeah. You want
her here for what?
To wait on you.
You know, taking her
out is a sign of affection.
She is your wife,
not your slave.
(SCREAMING)
Keep her away from me!
Daddy, when is the last time
you said to Ma, "I love you."
None of your damn business.
And I don't want to
talk to you no more.
Michael and I say it to
each other all the time.
Yeah, it's easy. Arch, look.
Gloria, I love you.
Michael, I love you.
I love you. I love you.
Why don't the two of
youse leap hand in hand
into the middle of Lake Polack?
That's it! Let's
get out of here!
Come on, Gloria. Let's go.
Nobody's leavin' this house.
You see anybody
leavin' this house tonight,
you'll know the
house is on fire.
Oh, Ma. If he won't take
you out, you come with us.
Oh, now it wouldn't be
much fun without Archie.
Yeah, it would.
Get out of here, you!
All right. Goodbye.
Oh, Ma, you look
beautiful. And...
To you.
Where does she
get that awful habit?
Oh, Archie.
Let's go out on the town.
Let's go to a
restaurant, please.
No, no, no!
Oh, be nice.
I'm always nice.
What are you saying?
Sit down here. Let me
talk to you, here, Edith.
Didn't I just mention to
you the weirdos and freakos
and the creepos I see in
the subway everyday there?
At night they all come
out of the subway
and they're hooverin'
around every corner there.
It's their fault that
sports like me,
guys willing to
spend a little coin,
don't go out at night.
But, Archie, you go out
a couple of nights a week.
You go to Kelcy's.
That's a whole
other thing, Edith.
It's a neighborhood joint
a couple of blocks away.
I just go down there to have a
couple of beers and talk with the guys.
Well, maybe I'd like to go
out someplace once in a while
and have a beer and talk.
With the guys?
No, with you.
(GROANS)
Let's go down to Kelcy's
now, Archie, together.
Edith, you would hate that.
Well, then, let's
go to a restaurant.
I would hate that.
I'll go anyplace you want to.
Archie, come on. Tell me.
Where would you like to take me?
Well, I would like to
take you out to the kitchen
and introduce you to
some pots and pans.
Oh.
Oh, yeah, I see.
You don't want to take me
with you when you go out
'cause you wanna get
away from me. Is that right?
Oh, Edith, jeez!
Ain't that the truth? Edith!
It's the truth,
ain't it, Archie?
Edith, all right. You want
the truth? I'll tell you the truth.
The truth is that's the truth.
Sometimes. Sometimes.
Well, now, Edith,
I said sometimes.
I said, sometimes, there.
Don't go fallin' apart
on me, will you?
We're married 27 years, there.
Don't mess around
with a perfect marriage.
Where are you goin'?
I'm goin' out.
Edith, what are
you talkin' about?
Where are you goin' alone?
See, Archie,
I got to get away
from you tonight.
Edith, Edith, Edith!
I asked you where you was goin'?
Where are you goin'?
I'm goin' where the action is.
(ROCK AND ROLL MUSIC
PLAYING ON STEREO)
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
Can I help you, lady?
Right here, dear.
Where is Mr. Kelsey?
Oh, he went to the
mountains for the weekend.
Go ahead, sit down.
Here you go.
Well, name it.
Name what?
What'll you have?
Oh!
Um, ginger ale.
No, wait a minute.
Maybe, I'll have
something stronger.
7Up?
No. Sherry.
I hope you ain't drivin'.
Oh, I ain't.
Hi.
Care for someone to talk to?
No, thank you.
Why not?
I'm married.
Well, so am I. That's why I'm
looking for someone to talk to.
Well, I, uh, I hope
you find someone.
Uh, that will be 70 cents.
Put it on my tab, Harry.
Oh, no. Thank you. I'll tab it.
You live around here?
Oh, uh, yeah.
Whereabouts?
Um, oh, I ain't sure.
Come in here often?
Um, I can't remember.
Wait.
You forgot your drink.
Oh, thank you.
Hey, honey, honey.
Come on, get away from
those clowns. Come over here.
Oh!
Be my guest.
Thank you. Are you alone?
Well, at the moment.
But I'll have to ask you to
leave if Paul Newman comes in.
Oh, Paul Newman
would never come in here.
After a few of these,
they all look like Paul Newman.
Well, thanks for
asking me to sit down.
That man at the bar
wanted to buy me a drink.
Joe Foley?
You know him?
Oh, sure.
He's a nice guy.
He is?
Sure. He'll get you
through the night.
Oh, well, that's nice.
Relax, honey. Have a little fun.
Oh. Oh, thank you.
Oh, my.
Yeah, my name is Marge.
Oh, how do you do?
My name is Edith.
Hi, Edith.
Oh, it's so nice to have
somebody to talk to.
Oh, I know.
You and your old man
had a little fight, right?
Oh, yeah. That's right.
Only it was a big one.
And you came in to booze?
Oh, no, I never booze.
Cruise?
Oh, no.
The last time I cruised was
on the Hudson River Dayliner.
That's funny.
(LAUGHING)
No, I just decided that
I needed to get away
from my husband
for a little while.
Hi, Marge. Hi, Joe.
Buy you gals a drink?
Oh, no. Sure, pull up a chair.
Give us another round, Harry.
Joe Foley, this
is Edith... What?
Uh, that's right. Edith What.
How do you do?
Say, I hope I didn't offend
you back at the bar before.
Oh, no.
Now, listen, if you think I'm
gettin' out of line or anything,
you just tell me and I'll leave.
If you don't get
out of line, I'll leave.
Why don't we all get out
of line and leave together?
Oh, Joe, you're dirty.
You used to like it, Marge.
Here you are, folks.
Oh, thank you.
Here you are.
Why don't we have a toast?
Okay. Here's one for you.
Here's to the very
best years of my life,
spent in the arms of
another man's wife.
My mother.
(GIGGLING)
Oh, excuse me, you two,
but I think my Paul
Newman just came in.
Oh, are you coming back?
Yeah, I'm just gonna
be a holler away.
Oh.
Uh...
Hey, I hope... I guess you...
Go ahead. Go
ahead. No, you, you.
Well, you speak first.
Well, okay.
I hope you don't think I'm gonna
make a pass at you or anything,
not that I wouldn't
like to, you know,
but I won't.
Oh, thank you.
You know, Edith,
you're very attractive.
Oh!
Hey, you're blushing.
Yeah, I can feel it.
Ain't you used to
gettin' compliments?
Oh...
No.
HARRY: ♪ Happy
anniversary to you
Maybe it's for the Mitchells,
over there. Oh, yeah.
ALL: ♪ Happy anniversary to you
♪ Happy anniversary,
dear Mitchells
♪ Happy anniversary to you ♪
Go on, blow it out, make a wish.
(ALL CHEERING)
(ALL CLAPPING)
Come on, you love birds,
get up and dance.
♪ Oh, how we danced
ALL: ♪ On the night we were wed
♪ We danced and we danced
♪ 'Cause the room had no bed ♪
Can anybody here play the piano?
Oh, I can.
Hey, we got a piano player here.
Come on, Edith. Play it.
Be a sport. Give
us a couple of tunes.
I wonder what they want to hear.
What have we got here?
Hey, here's one for
the anniversary couple.
Time Goes By. Here you go.
This is a good one
'cause it don't have
too many black notes.
ALL: ♪ You must remember this
♪ A kiss is still a kiss
♪ A sigh is just a sigh
♪ The fundamental things apply
♪ As time goes by ♪
And when two lovers woo
♪ They still say, "I love you"
Hey, Harry, Kelsey's still
up in the mountains, eh?
Yeah. What will you have, Arch?
Give me a beer. Who's
playing the piano?
Some broad.
She's playing with
a catcher's mitt on.
♪ Moonlight and love songs
♪ Never out of date
♪ Hearts full of passion
♪ Jealousy and hate
EDITH: ♪ Woman needs man
♪ And man must have his mate
♪ That no one can deny
ALL: ♪ It's still
the same old story
♪ A fight for love and glory
♪ A case of do or die
♪ The world will
always welcome lovers
Oh!
♪ As time goes by ♪
(ALL CHEERING)
Play it again, Edith.
Oh, no, no.
I got to get home. My
husband'll worry about me.
Hey, wait a minute.
You can't leave now.
You're the life of the party.
Really? Me?
Well, sure. You.
You're terrific.
I think I'll stay.
(IMITATING EDITH)
"I think I'll stay."
Oh, Archie!
Oh, I'm so glad to see you.
Aw, jeez, I'll bet you are.
Is this a friend of yours, Arch?
Just my wife, Joe.
Oh, yeah?
You know each other?
Everybody knows
Foley the Philanderer.
Oh!
I'll see you later.
Archie, I want you to
meet another friend of mine.
Excuse me. Marge,
this is my husband.
Archie is your husband?
You know him?
Oh, yeah. No!
Oh!
You don't remember that
long conversation we had?
No. How do you remember
the long conversation we had?
Because it was so dumb.
Uh, would you excuse
us for just a minute there?
Sure, sure.
I wanna talk to my wife
here. Come here, come here.
What are you doin' in here?
A wife ain't supposed to
be makin' free in a saloon.
I ain't makin' nothin'.
I'm makin' friends.
Well, you've finished
makin' friends.
Now, you're comin' home with me.
Oh, no, Archie. I
ain't goin' home.
I like it here.
And Joe says I'm
the life of the party.
This party don't
deserve to live.
Come on. Here's your
bag and here's your coat.
No. No, I ain't goin', Archie.
Edith, Edith, Edith, listen,
listen, I can't drag you out of here.
I'll tell you what.
You didn't eat nothin' and
I didn't eat nothin', see?
So why don't the two of
us just duck out of here,
we'll go over to
Tony's Little Naples
and we'll have dinner there.
We'll have a big
bowl of spaghetti
and a plate of
that veal scalopipi.
You mean the place that's got
all them old wine bottles
hangin' from the ceiling?
They got rid of
all that junk now
and they got them classy,
smoky mirrors up there, Edith.
Oh, Archie, I'd love that.
Okay, all right. Now,
say goodbye to everybody
and let's get the
hell out of here.
Goodbye! Goodbye.
ALL: Goodbye.
Hey, Archie, you got a
great little missus there.
Edith, you're
terrific, no kiddin'.
See you next Saturday?
Yeah. No, no!
Wait a minute there.
No, not those guys there. Joe...
Next Saturday night, no,
because, uh, I'm, uh, I'm
gonna take the missus out
first to dinner, then
to a basketball game.
Oh, Archie, really?
If I can work it
out, Edith, there.
Oh! Thanks, everybody.
But Archie says next
Saturday night he's takin' me out
to dinner and a basketball game.
If I can work it out,
Edith. Come on.
Oh, just a minute.
If for any reason
Archie can't work it out,
I'll be back!
(ALL CHEERING)
MALE ANNOUNCER: All in
the Family was recorded on tape
before a live audience.