All in the Family (1971–1979): Season 6, Episode 23 - Gloria and Mike's House Guests - full transcript

The furnace at the Bunker house goes kaput, so Archie and Edith are forced to spend a few days staying with Mike and Gloria to keep warm. Added to the fact that Mike and Archie don't get along is the still boiling issue of Archie having Joey baptized without her parent's consent. Archie makes a fool of himself with his annoying habits and nearly drives Mike right out of his own house. Things go from bad to worse until the power goes out and everyone sits in the dark by candlelight and all is calm again.

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played

♪ Songs that made the hit parade

♪ Guys like us, we had it made

♪ Those were the days

♪ And you knew
where you were then

♪ Girls were girls
and men were men

BOTH: ♪ Mister,
we could use a man

♪ Like Herbert Hoover again

♪ Didn't need no welfare state

♪ Everybody pulled his weight

BOTH: ♪ Gee, our
old LaSalle ran great

♪ Those were the days ♪


♪ Button up your overcoat

♪ When the wind is free

♪ Take good care of yourself

♪ You belong to me ♪

Iodine, iodine.
Get me the iodine.

What do you want the iodine for?

I suddenly got thirsty. What
the hell do you think I want it for?

I cut my thumb here, hittin'
that damn furnace downstairs.

Aw, why did you hit the furnace?

To make it go. That's the
way you make things go.

Whether it's a horse, or a furnace,
or a TV, or a fresh kid, you hit it.

Hold up the finger.

All right, all right. Oh, God.

didn't even put nothin' on it.

Hurry up and put it on. Don't
have me wastin' a groan over here.


God, why do they
make that stuff sting so?

(GROANING) Here we are.

What are you gonna do now?

I'm gonna put
this Band-Aid on it.

All right, go ahead, but
take it easy here, will you?

Oh, look at this.

You got your bag all packed to
go spend the night next door, huh?

Well, listen, I ain't
gonna go with you.

I ain't gonna spend a night
under that Meathead's roof,

and I don't care
how cold it gets

or whether the furnace
repair man ever shows up here.

And after what
that guy said to me

and all I done was take that little baby
out and get him baptized and Christianized,

and for that, that Meathead
calls me a religious phonetic.


You're supposed to
bandage it, not lynch it.

I'm sorry, Archie.

Why don't you get ready and
come over there with me now?


You'll have to come over
sooner or later, No, no, no.

'cause Uncle Weatherbee
says on the news

it's gonna be the coldest
weekend of the year.

And Mike and Gloria
want us to come.

I don't want that
man in this house!

But the minister said
it wasn't a real baptism.

Gloria, that is not the point!

The point is the man does
not respect my feelings.

Why can't they go to a motel?

Would you send your
parents to a motel?

If one of them were Archie, yes.

Michael, I'm not gonna
send my parents to a motel

when we have room
for them upstairs.

And if we don't let them come
here, where are they gonna sleep?

The only warm place in
their house is in the kitchen,

and they can't
sleep in the kitchen.

What the hell's the
matter with the kitchen?

We could make up
the bed right here.

What bed?

All right, I mean,
I'll make up the floor.


You're gonna sleep here

when Mike and Gloria have a
nice comfortable room for us?

Edith, look out, look out. You're
blockin' the heat from the stove.

I ain't gonna go
near that Meathead.

Oh, he'll stay out of your way.

Oh, listen, she ain't
much better over there.

Always criticizing
me for everything,

calling me a dope because
I put ketchup on things.

Turnin' up her nose at me
because I burp in front of her.

She ought to be damn glad
that's all I do in front of her.

I'm gonna stay over
here in my own house,

even if I'm cold, I don't care.

I don't have to be polite here.

Archie, the floor is
too cold and hard.

I don't care. I'll keep
the stove burnin' here.

Well, that's a waste of energy.

We shouldn't have it on now.

President Ford says we
shouldn't use the stove for heat.

President Ford said that
about this here stove?

Well, that's what he meant.

Well, to keep
President Ford happy,

I'll cook a chicken
while I'm sleepin'.

And I'll tell you
somethin' else.

I'm votin' for Reagan anyhow.

Here's your tea.

I guess we're gonna sleep
in separate beds tonight

'cause it's freezin'
here. I ain't stayin'.

Now, wait a minute, wait a minute.
You know, a thought just hit me.

We don't have to sleep in
no separate beds, sweetheart.

Listen, you know what
we could do, the two of us?

We could go over there and register in
that brand-new beautiful, luxurious hotel.

The Airport Inn. Huh?

Oh, that's so expensive.

When did I ever
worry about that, Edith?

Come on. It'll be so nice.

Can't you think
of us layin' all night

in one of 'em beautiful
king-size beds there,

with the patented
magic fingers...

Oh, stop it.

Yeah, it'll be nice there.

We'll watch all the airplanes
take off for the faraway places,

Hawaii, Miami. Huh?

You know, second honeymoon.

Only this time, we'll know
what we're doin', huh?

Oh, Archie, with our own
daughter livin' next door,

it would be insultin'
her to go to a hotel.

Just let me remind
you of somethin', huh?

I'm gonna quote the
Bible here to you, Edith.

The Bible says as follows,

"Wheresoever a husband goeth,

"his wife shall
sticketh with it him."

The Bible don't say nothin'
about the airport hotel.

Aw, come on.

Come on, Archie, it's freezin'
in here. No, I ain't gonna do it.

Do you mean to say that you
passed up a night over there to go...

I'll see you over there in a few
minutes. Oh, come on, Edith.

I ain't goin'. I'm goin' to
over to that Airport Inn.

And do you mean to say
that you'd leave me go over

to that swingin' joint
all by myself, Edith?

Edith, there's
whoopee and high jinks

the whole night long over there.

There's a lot of beautiful
stewardesses over there, Edith.

They really move
their tails for a guy.

I slept on the cold ground in
Fiuggi, Italy, I can sleep here.

I'll just make the
bed right on the floor.

All right with me.

Uh-oh, Kenny, the cockroach.

Aw, jeez!

Hell with it. I ain't gonna
sleep with youse guys.

Here, see this, here.





Why me, Lord? You
got an atheist next door.



Oh, Archie, there you
are. I'm glad you ain't left.

I left a while ago.
This is a recording.


Well, Archie,
please come on over.

Mike wants you
to, don't you, Mike?

Oh, yeah, yeah. Come on over.

There, see, you hear
that? He'd love to have you.

I didn't say "love."

(JOEY CRYING) Ah, love,
love. I'd love to have you.

Oh, Michael, come
on upstairs with me.

I don't want that man here.

See, love, love.

There ain't no point in
holdin' grudges, huh?

You know what my Aunt Ida
used to say about family quarrelin'?

Don't tell me.

She said that they was
like a hole in your sock.

She tells me anyway.

If you don't patch 'em up,
they get bigger and bigger

and pretty soon you
got more hole than sock.

And remember my Uncle Norton?

Well, once he had a terrible
fight with Cousin Hattie

over her mother's
prized possession.

You know, the prized
collection of souvenir spoons?

Well, when her mother died from the
heart attack she got on the loop-the-loop,

Uncle Norton, he said that the
souvenir spoons belonged to him,

but Hattie said
no, they was hers.

She went on and sold them.

And that made
Uncle Norton so mad

he said he wouldn't come
to her wedding, and he didn't.

And then she said she wouldn't
come to his funeral and she didn't.

O-Of course it didn't
matter, 'cause he was dead.

Archie, are you there?

Yeah, keep talkin', Edith.

You sound so far away.

I'm weak, that's all.

Well, anyway,
on account of this,

the whole family
started fightin',

except Uncle
Norton's brother, Percy,

the one who got his picture
taken with Wendell Wilkie.

Well, he decided to bring the whole
family together at a picnic at Asbury Park.

But during the
three-legged race,

Aunt Bessie's daughter, Alice,

broke one of her legs
in a hole in the sand

and Aunt Bessie said that little
Willie dug that hole just for spite.

And ever since then nobody
ever came to the family reunions,

and that's why they
don't have 'em no more.

And they all lived
happily ever after.

Yeah, and nobody remembers
what started the fight in the first place.

What a bunch of
dopes they all were.

Archie, I was just talkin'
to you on the phone.

Well, say goodbye
to me and hang up.

Good... Oh.

Oh, Archie, I'm so
glad you came over.

I only done it for you

so you wouldn't have to
sleep alone tonight. Aw.

Now, listen, Edith. Edith, I
wanna tell you something.

When we get back
to our own house,

you might notice in the kitchen

that there's one or
two things out of place.

Honey, he's gonna be
walking soon. I was watching...

He's not old enough.
Oh, hi, Daddy.

Look who's here.
Look who's here, honey.

Yeah, I'm thrilled. I want
a cup of coffee, huh?

Yeah, I'll make you some
coffee. Sit down. I'll help you.

And a hunk of pie, huh?

Oh, no, no pie. You
gotta watch your diet.


Well, sit down.

Not in my chair.

Well, I can see this is gonna
be one hell of a weekend.

The man is driving me crazy!


For the last two days, every
time I walk into the living room,

he is sittin' in my chair.

When I go up into the
bedroom, he is sleepin' in my bed.

The next thing you know,
he'll be eatin' your porridge.

You think that's funny,
don't you, Gloria? Ha, ha, ha.

Oh, Michael, just
be patient with him.

I just wanna say one thing
more about your father. What?


Did that make you feel better?

No, I gave myself a headache.

Oh, I'm sorry, Michael.
That's all right, Ma.

Let me help you. No, no. I
can do it, Ma. It's all right.

Go this way, Ma, go this way.

Oh, somethin' smells delicious.

Yeah, it's beef stroganoff.

My, that looks wonderful.

Archie'll never eat it.

Ma, I've been workin'
on it all afternoon.

Why, the sauce is made with
wine and 10 different seasonings.

We'll put ketchup on Archie's
and he'll think it's beef stew.

Ma, Daddy used the last of the ketchup
this morning on his soft-boiled eggs.


Even if I had any ketchup,

I wouldn't wanna use it
on my beef stroganoff.

TV) Hey, Meathead. Hey, Meathead.

Look what I was just
readin' in the can up there.

The wrestlin'
matches is on here.

Wait, wait a second.
Wait, w-what are you doin'?

That was Beethoven.

No, it's just a lot of
guys with a big band.

Don't you want to see
the wrestlin' matches?

They got the Korean midgets on.

Korean midgets? You
wanna watch midgets?

Arch, Beethoven, one
of the great genius...

What am I doin'? What am...

I'm arguing culture with
a man who buys a wallet

and keeps the picture
of Fay Wray in it.

If she was good enough for King
Kong, she's good enough for me.

All right, all right, do
whatever you want.

Watch the midgets. I don't care.

Watch it with me. What
are you sore about?


Oh, I'm sorry.

That's all right, Ma. It
cleared up my sinuses.


Go this way, Ma,
this way, this way.


What did Daddy do now?

He turned off Beethoven
and turned on the midgets.

Hey, you're missin' all
the fun there, Meathead.

A whole team of midgets just run
up and bit the referee on the butt.

I can't take it.
I can't take it.

Oh! Oh! Look what
they're doin' now.

There's a fag midget in there.

Here, I got an idea.

Why don't you go up
and give Joey his bottle

and then he won't
disturb us during dinner.

Boy, what they're doin' in here.

You should've seen here.

One midget just
blinded the other one.

And then this guy throws him out

between the referee's
legs right under the ropes

and into the lap of a
fat lady in the first row.

Hey, look at this,
look at this, this...

You're right, Arch.

Who would wanna
listen to Beethoven

when you can watch one midget
tear another midget's pants off.

ARCHIE: That's right.

(MUMBLING) Archie.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Ma, we gotta stop
meetin' this way.

I know, this way.


What are you watching? I'm
watching wrestlin'. It's all over.

A fat lady ran out of the
arena with one of the midgets.

Listen, listen. I gotta
tell you something.

I can't stand that bed
they put us in... Shh!

stand that bed they put us in.

I-It's only for one more night.

I know, but it makes so
much noise with the squeak,

and every time
you take a breath,

the kids'll think
we're doin' somethin'.

But we ain't.

You had your chance
with the Airport Inn.

Dinner's ready. Michael, dinner!

EDITH: I'll get yours, Archie.

MIKE: I'm really starving.
Oh, it looks great, honey.

Oh, it looks so good.

Archie, here you go.

Now, wait a minute. Oh, wait a
minute. What do you call this?

Can anybody over
there tell me what this is?

It's beef stroganoff.

Yeah, haven't you
ever had that before?

Looks like I had it an hour ago.

Daddy, try it.

You'll like it.

I can't eat nothin' like this.

Archie, you're hurtin'
Gloria's feelings.

I am sorry, little girl, but I
cannot eat creamed meat.

Creamed meat gives me gas.

Life gives you gas.

What is that she's
sayin' over there?

You'd think we're only
here a couple of nights

that she could cook
somethin' I can eat.

Your problem is you're too
stubborn to try anything new.

Why should I? When
he was livin' at my house,

I never forced him
to try nothin' new.

That's 'cause Michael
eats everything.

Oh, you're telling me. I got
the grocery bills to prove it.

Archie, please.

Why... Why? You callin'
me a moocher again?

I'm just sayin' that you
eat like a government mule.

You said you had to pay for it
all, that means I'm a moocher.

You said it, buddy, not me. I
don't need this, I don't need this.

Michael. Daddy, I think
you owe Michael an apology.

Well, what does he owe me

for five years of
bread and broad?

Oh, Archie, please. Let's
not argue. Let's watch TV.

No, no. No, no, Ma, that's
all right. That's all right.

How much do I owe you?

Let's get this thing
straightened once and for all.

How much you figure I owe you?

What, you think I'm the kind
of guy who keeps records?

I did. I figure it's $2,600.


I thought you said
you don't keep records.

I was testing you there to
see how honest you was,

and you flunked the
test with flying colors.


You spilled more
than that on your shirt.

How do you figure $3,840?

Because I figure a
better way than you.

You leave out a whole lot of
stuff and some important stuff, too.

Like for instance, that big
appendicitis operation you had.

Who the hell you think
paid for that? The tooth fairy?

Daddy, when Michael
went to the hospital,

I distinctly remember you saying
you would pay for his operation.

Only if he didn't live.

Where did she get
that awful habit?

All right, Arch.
All right, Arch.

You say I owe you $3,840,
I will pay you the $3,840!

The appendix operation and all.

But I will never, never forgive
you for kidnapping my son,

takin' him down to that church and
havin' him baptized! That's it, that's it.

Never, never, never! I done
the right thing, Meathead.

Yeah? What are you talking
about? What, you're leaving?

Goodbye, goodbye, good luck.

Whoa! Whoa, whoa!


Gloria, what happened?

What's the matter? Nothing.
It's a temporarial blowout here.

All the houses on
the block are dark.

Well, I don't like it
when it's this dark.

It's all right,
honey, don't worry.

Here, come on
over here, sit down.


MIKE: Wait, I got some
candles. Light the candles.

Anybody got a match?
Yeah, I got a match here.

My mother always used to say,

"Where was Moses
when the lights went out?"

ALL: In the dark.

Oh, you know it.

Oh, there, that's better.

There you are.

Oh, maybe I should go
up and take a look at Joey.

No, don't leave me alone, Ma.

He's all... He's all
right, Ma. He's not cryin'.

This is so weird.

Nobody ever explains
these blackouts.

That's right.

Nobody ever explains blackouts.

You know, it's a
very funny thing

that nobody ever explains
these, here, blackouts.

You know, it's... it's weird.

It's like... It's like
we've been invaded

by strange creatures
not of this Earth.


Michael, don't do that.

I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

You're giving everybody
pimples over here.

I know. Let's sing. Yeah.

♪ I've been workin'
on the railroad ♪


Stop, stop, cut.

I told you never
try and sing a song

unless you know the
lyrics as well as the words.

Let's sing something else
we all know. I... I... I got one.

♪ Over hill, over
dale, we will hit the... ♪

I don't wanna sing an
army song. Why not?

It's about war.

What's the matter with
war? It's a national tradition.

Oh, I know.

♪ Down by the old mill stream

Don't let her sing it
alone. Get into it, will you?

ALL: ♪ When I first met you

♪ With your eyes so blue

♪ Dressed in gingham, too

♪ It was there I knew

♪ That you loved me
true ♪ You were sixteen

♪ You were sixteen
♪ My village queen

♪ My village queen
♪ Down by the old

♪ Mill stream ♪

Hey, you done good
over there, Edith.




Ain't it peaceful? Yeah.

It is.

When something like this
happens and everything goes dead,

we all forget what
we're fightin' about.

That's right.

Maybe that's what the world
needs every once in a while.

A power failure.

We could use a
dingbat failure, too.


Here we are.
All over. All right.

Oh, jeez. Look what he done.

He blew the hot wax
all over the pants.

I'm sorry, Arch, I didn't... What a
Polack way to blow out a candle.

Oh, there he goes again,
startin' in. That was hot wax.

With the Polish
jokes, huh? You don't...

I need water, yes.

Water? Don't get him any water.

He'll start baptizin' everybody.

How dare you take... Ma!

How dare you take my
son down without my...

How dare you say anything
to me about what I done...



the Family was recorded on tape

before a live audience.