All in the Family (1971–1979): Season 6, Episode 2 - Alone at Last - full transcript

The day has come that Mike and Gloria are moving into their new home and Archie is practically pushing them out the door. Archie is being so obnoxious that Mike finally reaches a boiling point until he declares his independence and calls Archie a fathead. He and Gloria spend the night in their new home without electricity, plumbing or heat. Archie is overjoyed that the meathead is suffering but Edith's motherly instinct force her to intercede, she walks out and intends to suffer right along with the kids. Archie is all to happy to take care of himself but while making a mess in the kitchen, he runs across Gloria's bowl from when she was a baby and it melts his heart. He goes next door with a half-hearted apology and tells Mike and Gloria that they can stay at his house until the heat gets turned on.

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played

♪ Songs that made the hit parade

♪ Guys like us, we had it made

♪ Those were the days

♪ And you knew
where you were then

♪ Girls were girls
and men were men

BOTH: ♪ Mister,
we could use a man

♪ Like Herbert Hoover again

♪ Didn't need no welfare state

♪ Everybody pulled his weight

BOTH: ♪ Gee, our
old LaSalle ran great

♪ Those were the days ♪

MIKE: Will you quit
pushin' me here?

ARCHIE: Hurry it up, will
you? This thing is heavy.

Oh, come on, will you?

Ten years ago when I
carried that up to Gloria's room,

I carried it up alone
and I didn't complain.

And it was heavier then before youse
two pounded the stuffings out of it.

How come I'm carryin' a mattress,
and you're carryin' a pillow?

You want the pillow? Here.

Honey, let me
help you with that.

No, no, little girl,
get away from that.

You ain't supposed to be
doin' nothin' in your condition.

Oh, Daddy, please
don't say condition.

You make it sound like I got
the heartbreak of psoriasis.

I don't have a
condition. I'm pregnant.

No, don't say that. Can't
you say you're expectin'?

Jeez, pregnant sounds
like you've done somethin'.

We did.

Well, you don't have to
go advertisin' it to the world.

What you do in the privates of
your own room is your own privates.

See, when I was a little girl and
a woman was starting to show,

they used to say she was
expectin' a bundle from heaven.

But of course everybody
knew it was really a baby.

Well, I wish we could
get back to them days.

What this world needs is
a little more of that class.

Well, herein before, when we
talk about Gloria's condition now,

we're just gonna say
she's... she's expectin'.

Or in a family way?

Or with child.

How do you feel
about knocked up?

How would you like
to be knocked out?

Boy, Daddy, have you
got a hang-up about words.

Yeah, and it's amazing
considering how few he knows.

That's the end of
your coffee break.

Come on, grab that mattress.

Let's get it out of here before
it takes root. MIKE: Okay.

I got to get down to Kelcy's
and watch the Mets play ball.

EDITH: I'll hold the door for
you. Get the door open there.

You got your end? Yeah.

Turn around and face the
other way. Oh, I'm facin' you

to make sure you
hold that end up there.

Get out of the way, Edith.
Ma, Ma. Get out of the way.

Get out... Get out
of the way, Edith.


Get it out. Get it out. Yeah.

All right, all right,
now, you got it straight?

Yeah. All right, all right.

From here on it's
clear sailing. Come on.


ARCHIE: I told you, Edith, to
get them garbage cans to the curb.

Poor Daddy. With Michael out of
the house, who's he got to pick on?

Oh, he's still got me.

Yeah, and he's lucky.

Oh, no, I'm the
lucky one, Gloria.

And we was both
lucky we got you.

Oh, my.

You know, I'm thinkin' of a
song Jimmy Durante used to sing.

Inka Dinka Doo?

No, no, not that one.

♪ Did you ever have the
feelin' that you wanted to go

♪ But still you got the
feelin' that you wanted to stay

♪ Ha, cha, cha ♪

Oh, Ma.

See, I'm glad that you're
movin' into your own home

but still I got the feelin'
that I want you to stay.

Well, you knew I had
to move out sometime.

Oh, yeah, but sometimes
sometime comes too soon.

Gloria, there's
somethin' of yours

I hope you won't want
to take away with you.

That's my old cereal bowl.

(MUSIC PLAYING) With Brownie
The Clownie on the bottom.


Now I've been savin' that bowl
for when my granddaughter is here

and I'm your babysitter.

Well, then, Ma,
you should keep it.

Oh, thanks, Gloria.

Oh, it's gonna be such a
treat for me to put farina

in this bowl.

And say, "Open
wide and let it slide.

"Brownie The Clownie..."
BOTH: "Will no longer hide."

That was a trick to get me
to eat, wasn't it? Oh, yeah.

You got to do a lot of
things to make babies eat.

Make funny faces.

Like this one was always
good for two spoonfuls.


And this one was
good for six spoonfuls.


Oh, look, it still
works. You're eatin'.


Oh, and this one was
good for a whole meal.


Get the big hormone
pill. She's changin' again.

No, I was just showin'...
Never mind that.

You know what's goin' on
over there in your new house?

There's nothin' turned on.

No gas, no electric,
no water. No problem.

Oh, no problem. You're
gonna freeze over there,

you're gonna starve over there

and without no water, your toilet's
just another chair with a hole in it.

Daddy... Yes... No...
Michael, come here.

Wasn't Wednesday the day
that you called the utilities people

to tell them that we wouldn't be
able to be in the house until Saturday

to let them in. So they're
sending a man today?

And he's not gonna be there
because you forgot to call? Right?

I forgot. Oh.

Ain't he darling?

He'd forget his head
if his teeth wasn't in it.

Michael. Uh, will
you stop ridin' me?

You stop bein' a jackass.

You forget to turn on the
gas, the water, the electricity.

The only thing you remember
to turn on is my daughter.

You couldn't even
remember to... I can't believe...

What've we got here?
The Three Musketells?

Archie, there ain't
no harm done. Oh.

This means we got 'em for
two more days. Ain't that nice?

more days. Ain't that nice?"

I think it stinks.

And I'll tell you somethin' else. I ain't
gonna carry that mattress back over here.

You don't have to.
We'll sleep on the couch.

Oh, no, Gloria, you
can sleep in our bed.

The four of us in one
bed like a bunch of bears?

All because that dumbbell
forgets to make some phone calls?

You stop calling him names.

You stop stickin' up for him.

And you stop tellin'
her what to do.

You stop talkin' to me at all.

I'll tell you somethin'. I was tellin' her
what to do long before you married her.

And remember this, a wife
can always divorce her husband,

but she can't
divorce her father.

And you remember a daughter
can always leave her father

and go next door to her
own home with her husband.

Come on, Gloria.

Why should she go
over there with you?

I can take better
care of her here.

What're you sayin', I
can't take care of her?

I got the gas and electric here.

I know you got the gas.

You are being silly now.
There's nothin' silly about it.

Listen to me. I bet if the three of
us was on the Staten Island Ferry

and you fell into
the water there,

now which one is
going to save you there?

Oh, my, if I was there...

Who put you on the ferry?

Well, me. I'm the
one that'd save you.

Well, I... I'd save her, Arch.

Well, you could...
You'd forget to swim.

I'd be overboard before
you got your clothes off.

I'd have that hat off and that
cigar out. I'd be right there...

I don't think I've ever seen you
swim. Do you know how to swim?

I swim like a frog. I've never
seen you in a bathing suit.

Billions of people seen me in a
bathing suit. Oh, you're crazy...

You see what would happen?
While you were on the deck arguing,

I'd be on the bottom of the bay.

To hell with that.
What about the zoo?

Suppose the three of us are
going to the Bronx Zoo together.

Can I be in this one?

You are in this one.
You're in a dingbat cage.

All right, we're
goin' through the zoo

and a hungry, ferocious tiger jumps
over the fence and goes right for you.

Oh, Daddy, knock it off.

Now come on. Quit putting me on
the spot with these stupid questions.

I love you in one way, and I
love Michael in another way.

Case closed.

And that's the way it always is.


You see, Archie, I love you
the way Gloria loves Mike.

And I love my father

the way Gloria loves you.

EDITH: Yes. And my
mother loved my father

the way I love you,

and Mike loves Gloria the
way my father loved my mother.

And Gloria loves Mike the
way my mother loved my father.

Are you all done?


Oh, jeez.

See, all I want to say is that

children don't have to
choose between the people

they are married to and
the people they was born to.

And all I'm tryin' to say is that my
daughter wouldn't have to go over there

and live in miscomfort

if that dumb Polack hadn't
forgot to turn on the utilities.

Excuse me.

You know the first time you called me a
dumb Polack, I was really very sore at you?

Yeah. Why?

But after a while, I
learned to shrug it off

with all the rest of
your stupid remarks.

But now, Arch, I'm
happy to announce

that you just called me
dumb Polack for the last time.

You hear what I'm sayin'?

The last time,
that's it. No more!

I've been waitin' five
long years for this, Arch!

For five years, I've been waitin' to
leave this house and waitin' to leave you,

you loud-mouthed, narrow-minded,
selfish, bigoted, fat-head!

This is Michael Stivic's
independence day, pal!

And this here is my flag!


Hey, wait a minute, buddy.

You didn't give me a
chance to salute that flag.

Daddy, that was disgusting.

No, it wasn't. Considerin'
what he done to me,

I think it was
highly aproblactic.

No, no, you ain't goin'
over there, little girl.

I am not your little girl.

I am Michael's pregnant
wife. Don't say that.

Pregnant, pregnant, pregnant,
pregnant, pregnant, pregnant. Oh, come on.

I'm not staying here unless
you go apologize to him.

Apologize? Archie Bunker
don't apologize to nobody.

Honey, do you know what
she's asking me to... You hold it.

Now if you don't
apologize to him,

he'll never come back here.

Good, good. And if he
never comes back here,

I'll never come back here.

Archie, you better
tell him you're sorry.

Oh, forget it, Ma. He's never
said "I'm sorry" in his whole life.

I did once. The day
you married that guy.


Goodbye, Mother.

Oh, Gloria, don't...

Don't give me that...

You ain't got no control over
the goings-on in this house.

Sometimes I get jealous of
these guys that have sons.

Sons never turn on fathers.

But daughters marry meatheads.

After what you just
let happen here,

I ain't so sure who
married a meathead,

Gloria or me.


We're in luck, honey.

I found us some sardines
and crackers for dinner.

And you know what
we got for dessert?

What? Crumbs.

Come on, honey. Cheer up.

Isn't this terrific in here?

Michael, this is
our very own home.

Honey, this is your
very own living room.

And if you choose, Mr. Stivic,
this is your very own front door.

And this, over here, is
your very own window.

Come on, honey. We
can do anything we want.

We can do what we want,
where we want, when we want.


Yeah, we can do anything except
cook, read, or go to the bathroom.

Or keep warm. I'm freezing.

Oh, honey, let me keep
you warm, poopsie-doodle.

Here, I got your
favorite blankey.

Here, honey. Yeah.

Now, you're warmer here? Yeah.

Isn't this better than sittin'
over there with Daddy? Yeah.

Oh, Michael, I was just so proud
of you when you stood up to my dad

and said, "This is Michael
Stivic's independence day."

Yeah, I freed us from a hot
meal and a good night's sleep.

Well, honey, cheer up. I know
my father. He likes to act tough.

But when he thinks about what he's
done and realizes he was wrong...


He'll send Ma over to apologize.

You wanna play tent?

Why not?

Here I am, Edith.
Whoop-dee-doo! Whoop-dee-doo!


What a lousy whoop-dee-doo.

Edith, Edith!

I won on a ballgame. The Mets
beat them San Diego Padres.

I got some money. I ran out
and look what I bought us here.

A beautiful hunk
of sirloin. Archie!

That's big enough
for four people.

You must have been
thinkin' of Mike and Gloria.

No, I wasn't. They never
even re-entered my mind, Edith.

As long as you
bring it up, I'll...

All right. They're welcome
to join us for this steak here.

All they got to do is to
come back with an "I'm sorry"

and a bottle of ketchup.

And if they don't wanna do that,

then I don't wanna talk
no more about them two.

Them three.

Your grandchild is in
that cold house, too.

Well, Gloria's wrapped
around him keepin' him warm.

And if I know the Meathead,
he's wrapped around Gloria.

As far as he's concerned, I
don't care if he freezes his butt off.

They need us now,
and I'm goin' over there.

Oh, Edith. Hold it,
hold it. I forbid that.

You can't stop me.

Edith, Edith, you
ain't goin' over there.

This is your house. You
ain't a Stivic, you're a Bunker.

Well, I'm sorry, Archie,

but motherhood is
stronger than Bunkerhood.

If my dead father heard
you say that, it'd kill him.

I'll eat steak till I bust.


Hi, Gloria.

Yoo-hoo. It's me.

Oh, excuse me.

Yeah, Ma, we were
just tryin' to keep warm.

Oh, oh.

Well, here's your coat,
Mike. Oh, thanks, Ma.

I brought your warm sweater,
Gloria. Oh, thanks, Ma.

And I brought us
some hot coffee.

Oh, that's great.

Us? Did Daddy kick you out, too?

Well, no, I kicked myself out.

Oh, Ma.

I think this thing
has gone too far.

I'm gonna go back there
and tell Archie I'm sorry.

I'll throw myself at his mercy.

It's a small target,
but I think I can hit it.

I will not have my husband
humiliate himself by crawling back.

Now come on. If Daddy doesn't
come over here and apologize,

we'll just have to
make do. Now sit.

All right.

What're we gonna do, sit here
and watch each other turn blue?

Oh, no, Mike, I don't think
we'll have to wait that long.

Oh, my.

This reminds me of when Nelson
Eddy and Jeanette MacDonald

was all alone in a cabin up in
the Canadian Rocky mountains.

It was Rose-Marie,
my favorite movie.

I saw it seven times.

You want me to
tell you the story?

Well, no... Yeah, all right.

Well, it starts out with this
big lion comin' out and roarin'.

Wait a minute. A lion?

Well, what's a lion doin'
in the Canadian Rockies?

Well, it was an MGM
picture. Every MGM picture...

See, honey? She's gonna
tell us the whole story.

Well, anyway, Jeanette MacDonald

who was Rose-Marie
La Flamme in the movie

is in love with Nelson Eddy
who is Jim Kenyon in the movie,

and he's a Royal Canadian
Mounted Policeman

with a horse and everything.

Anyway, Jeanette,
Rose-Marie's brother

is murdered somebody,
so Nelson, Jim Kenyon,

decides to follow
Jeanette, Rose-Marie

because he knows that
Jeanette will take him...


ARCHIE: ♪ Someone's
in the kitchen with Dinah

♪ Someone's in
the kitchen with Dinah

♪ Someone's in
the kitchen with Dinah

♪ Someone's in the
kitchen with her ♪


Now the old salad.


Well, there's
always Froot Loops.


Can you help a man?

Oh, jeez.

Brownie The Clownie.

And there's Jeanette with
her eyes all shiny with tears

and the snow is falling.

And there's Nelson,
so young and brave,

sittin' on his horse
ridin' through the forest

because he can hear
Jeanette singin' to him.

♪ When I'm callin' you ♪

It's the famous
Indian Love Call.

Thought I heard an ambulance.


Gloria, are you catchin'
cold? No, I'm not.

Gloria, it's freezin' in
here. Now, this is ridiculous.

I'm goin' next door to apologize.
GLORIA: No, honey, please.

I'm sorry, Gloria, I'm goin'
next door. Please. Don't give in...

MIKE: What're you doin' here?

I was just passing by.

I just thought
I'd better tell you

there's a big dog making
water on your cellar door.

Thanks. Wait a minute.

As long as I'm
here, I thought I'd

bring this back to you,
this Brownie The Clownie.

Don't you want it?

No, I said Ma could keep it.

She don't eat farina no more.

Do you? Nah.

Oh, come on. Don't
give me that pickle puss.

Say somethin' nice.

Archie, I thought you was comin'
over here to say somethin' else

to Mike and Gloria. Well, I
come over here, I come halfway.

I'll meet you halfway, Arch.

I'll admit I was wrong,
if you admit it, too.

I'll admit you was wrong.

Daddy, you were wrong.

He was wronger than me.

Archie. Ma, Ma,
Ma, that's all right.

I'll accept that. Comin' from Archie,
that's like an unconditional surrender.

I don't accept it, 'cause you
didn't say you were sorry.

Now, listen, little girl. What?

(WHISPERING) I'm sorry.

Archie, that's nice.
Mike, he said he was sor...

Shut up, now!

Come on, then.

Let's get out of here and
get back to a warm house.

Come on, Meathead.

EDITH: Put out the candles.
Grab the mattress over here.

Jeez. GLORIA: Yeah, the candles.

We got to get out of here.

This Jefferson house scares
me. All 'em colored ghosts.

Hey, Edith, when we get home,

you might notice
a few little things

out of place in the kitchen.

the Family was recorded on tape

before a live audience.