All in the Family (1971–1979): Season 6, Episode 13 - Gloria Is Nervous - full transcript

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played

♪ Songs that made the hit parade

♪ Guys like us, we had it made

♪ Those were the days

♪ And you knew
where you were then

♪ Girls were girls
and men were men

BOTH: ♪ Mister,
we could use a man

♪ Like Herbert Hoover again

♪ Didn't need no welfare state

♪ Everybody pulled his weight

BOTH: ♪ Gee, our
old LaSalle ran great



♪ Those were the days ♪

Honey, what were
you doin' upstairs?

What else? Going
to the bathroom.

Two more trips to the john today

and I'll be in the
Guinness Book of Records.

Still feeling kind of down, huh?

Down? Don't be ridiculous.

♪ I feel pretty, oh, so pretty

♪ I feel pretty
and witty and fat! ♪

Boy, will I be glad
when this is over.

Me, too.

You, too?

What do you know about this?

I was just tryin'
to be sympathetic.



If you wanna be sympathetic,

next time I have to go, you
make the trip up the stairs.

(CHUCKLING) That's funny.

What's funny?

Nothin'.

I was...

It sounded funny when
you first said it, but...

When you think
about it, I mean...

Well, you never laugh
when I go to the bathroom,

so why should I
laugh when you go?

Goin' to the bathroom
is very serious business.

It's not as serious as sittin'
in an electric chair, but...

Do you want some coffee?

No!

You know coffee
makes me nervous.

All right, all right.
No, no... no coffee.

I think I'll just have

some milk and some Oreo cookies.

That is, unless
you ate them all up.

I didn't eat your Oreo cookies.

Gloria, you know
I'm a Ding Dong man.

All I know is that something very
strange is going on in this house

because last night there were
six Oreo cookies in the refrigerator.

I counted them.

But this morning, they seemed
to have mysteriously disappeared.

What are you going
on like this for?

I mean, what... Who
cares? What's the big deal?

Honey, look.

I know you're apprehensive,

but it's only natural, I mean,

you're a week
overdue... Nine days!

Nine days, nine days.

But it's perfectly natural for
a woman to be apprehensive

with her first child.

I want you to stop
being so reasonable.

I don't know what
you expect from me.

I don't know what I
expect from you either.

Oh, honey, honey, honey.

It's all right, it's
all right. Hey!

You know, it's not that
unusual to be one week overdue.

Nine days!

Nine days, nine days. Nine days.

Uh, I can understand why
you'd be a little bit scared, but...

Listen, honey.

I'm gonna be right there
with you in the delivery room,

helping you to push,

wiping away the
ole perspiration,

maybe even making
you smile a little bit.

Huh?

How long have you been
parting your teeth in the middle?

Hello. Can I come in?

Hi, Ma. Hi, Mike.

Hi, Gloria.

Hello.

(WHISPERING) What's the
matter? She's a little bit down...

Forget it, Michael! I
didn't say anything.

You don't understand.

You just stick to
your Ding Dongs

and keep your grubby
fingers off of my Oreos.

Ma, she's bein' impossible.

I can't even talk
to her anymore.

I say, "Gloria, it's
gonna be a nice day."

She says it's gonna rain.

I say it's gonna rain, she
says it's gonna be a nice day.

What do you do when
she gets like that?

Maybe you shouldn't
talk about the weather.

I'll see if I can cheer her up.

Well, good luck. Gloria!

Oh, here you are.

Yeah, here I am. Oh!

You should have seen your
father goin' off on his fishin' trip.

All bundled up.

He looked so cute in
his lucky fishing cap.

Which one is his
lucky fishing cap?

The one with the big button on
it that says "Lucky Fishin' Cap."

Oh, yeah. He wore
that one last time.

He didn't catch anything.
So what's so lucky about it?

Well, it was lucky for the fish.

(LAUGHING SARCASTICALLY)

Oh, Gloria.

I think I know
what's bothering you.

You ain't worried
about having the baby.

I'm not? No.

You're just startin' to
realize that from now on

a whole little human person
is gonna depend on you.

You're the one that's
gonna be mostly responsible

for what kind of a human
bein' that baby turns out to be.

My God, no wonder I'm scared.

Oh, that's why they'd say

that a good mother is the
hardest job in the world.

Yeah, and it's the only job that
men don't try to take away from us.

I'll bet they would
if it paid enough.

(CHUCKLING)

Really? Oh. Yeah.

Oh, Gloria.

Your shower tomorrow
is gonna cheer you up.

Oh, I'm dying to meet your
girlfriends from your childbirth class.

I don't know, Ma.

It's not very exciting to sit around
with a bunch of pregnant women

who talk about
their stretch marks.

Hey, Gloria, what do you
say we do our exercises, huh?

Forget it.

Honey, we haven't done
them in a couple of days.

And what's the point of
practicing prepared childbirth

if we don't... We're not
gonna practice the exercises?

Dr. Shapiro says we
should do it every day.

Well, then, do it
with Dr. Shapiro.

Gloria, come on.

Oh, come on.

You've been taking
those classes six weeks.

Show me what you learned.

(EXASPERATEDLY) Okay.

Honey, why don't
you lie down over here.

Got a pillow for
your head right there.

Do they make you have
the baby on the floor?

No, Ma, this is just
for the exercises. Oh.

There you go, honey.

Now it's my job to
help Gloria relax. Oh.

That's right, 'cause like he keeps
telling me, "We're in this together."

Ha!

All right. Contract
your right arm.

See that, Ma?

Her right arm is tense, but
the rest of her body is relaxed.

See?

She's learned to
respond to my commands.

And when she goes into labor,

her mind won't be on the
pain, it'll be on the exercises.

Oh, my.

I'm glad I had
Gloria when I did,

'cause I don't think I'd know
enough to have a baby today.

Another thing that I have to know
is how to control Gloria's breathing.

And I also have to know what
to do in case of hyperventilation.

Is that something
like crossventilation?

Uh, no, Ma. Hyperventilation is
caused by uncontrollable breathing.

Like this... (HEAVING)

You see that? That
comes from tension.

Hey, Coach, your little
lecture just put my arm to sleep.

Wake it up, would you?

That's another thing.

In prepared childbirth they call
the husband the coach. That's me.

Oh. Michael!

Sorry, honey. Sorry.

Release to touch.

There you go. Oh.

Okay, contract your left leg.

You see, Ma, when a
woman goes into labor,

very often there can
be hyperventilation,

and that comes from exhaling
too much carbon dioxide.

So what I do is I bring a paper
bag with me into the delivery room.

That way, she can
breathe into the bag

and she inhales the carbon
dioxide that she was exhaling before.

Do you understand?

No.

When I had Gloria I breathed
whatever was in the room.

You mean you have to take a
paper bag to the hospital with you?

Yeah, well, the paper bag
is inside the goodie bag.

The goodie bag, what's that?

I'll show you.

It's what the husband
brings along to the hospital.

It's got everything
in it. Everything.

Here we got the...

The paper bag here, in
case of hyperventilation. Oh.

And we got a stopwatch in here.
That's to time the labor pains.

And we got a rolling pin here.

See, I roll this
on Gloria's back

in case she's got
back labor, like this.

Oh, that feels good. See?

Ooh!

And we got some snacks
in here for the husband.

We got some peanuts.
We got some pretzels.

We got some potato chips.

You see, I'm gonna
have a six-pound baby

and he's gonna have
an eight-pound lunch.

Michael, my leg! Oh,
I'm sorry, honey. Sorry.

Release to touch.
There you go. Ah.

Okay, contract your left
arm and your right leg.

Ah, no, no, no. Honey, I said,
"Your left arm and your right leg."

You said my right
arm and my left leg!

All right, all right, all right.
Let's just say I was wrong.

What do you mean, "Let's
just say you were wrong?"

You were wrong!

All right, all right,
Little Mother.

Don't you patronize me,
Michael Casimir Stivic.

Gloria, Gloria, just calm down.
You're a little bit emotional.

Just relax. Contract your
left arm and your right leg.

No.

Gloria, I'm ordering you to contract
your left arm and your right leg.

Well, what if I don't?
What's gonna happen?

Are you gonna call off the baby?

Now hear this!

(WHISTLING) This is
your coach speaking.

Forget the fact that you are having
personal problems with your husband.

I am speaking to you
strictly as your coach

and I'm telling you to contract
your left arm and your right leg!

Now hear this. This
is your wife speaking

and she would
like to tell her coach

to contract his own left arm
and right leg and then shove 'em!

MIKE: Whoa!

Now hear this. This is
Edith Bunker speakin'.

Now, Mike, you stifle yourself.
And you contract yourself!

Now we'll change the subject.

Mike, do you have enough
film for the shower tomorrow?

The shower's not tomorrow,
Ma. The shower's on Sunday.

Tomorrow's Saturday.

I'm going to the
basketball game tomorrow.

Oh, no. No, the
shower is tomorrow.

That's right, I told
you that last night.

No, you didn't.

Well, is going to a
basketball game more

important than taking
pictures at my shower?

No, no. Who wants to go
to a dull old basketball game

when I can have the time
of my life at a fun-filled fiesta

takin' pictures of a
pack of peppy preggos?

You don't wanna be there?

You don't want to be there?

Gloria, now you're both
overtired and overwhelmed.

And overdue!

Gloria, where are
you goin'? To bed!

Great, great, go to
bed! I'm goin' out.

Well, you go out there!
That's right, I'm goin' out.

That's right. I may not come back
until my kid graduates high school!

That's too soon!
Make it college then!

Go longer!

(BOTH YELLING)

Bananas pureed with rum.

Bananas with wheat germ.

Blueberries with blackberries.

(SNORING)

(SIGHING)

Michael.

Michael, wake up! What?

What's the matter? Is it time
yet? Where's the goodie bag?

(INAUDIBLE)

You know I can't
sleep when you snore.

That's funny.

It didn't keep me awake.

Sorry, I'll try to stop.

Good night. Good night.

(SNORING)

Michael. What? What's the
matter? What's the matter?

You're snoring again.

It's funny, must have
happened when I was sleeping.

I'm sorry.

I'll try to stop, I swear.

Good night. Good night.

(SIGHING HEAVILY)

(SNORING)

Michael! What? What?

What...

What, are you gonna tell
me I was snoring again?

That's right. That's impossible.
My head barely hit the pillow.

I can't help it.
You were snoring.

Now, Michael, I have to get some
rest for my baby shower tomorrow.

Hey, hey.

Take it easy. Take it easy.

I'll go to sleep on my stomach.

I don't snore when I
sleep on my stomach.

I hope not. All right.

Good night. Good night.

Michael.

(SHOUTS)

Yes, sir. I caught you.

I caught you that time. I
deliberately stayed awake.

What do you got
to say about that?

You were snoring. Oh, no.

No way, Gloria. I set the
trap, you fell right into it.

You just resent the fact
that I can sleep and you can't.

Why can't you just
admit you were snoring?

Because...

All right.

All right.

I was snoring.

No, you weren't.

(SCREAMING)

I hate you!

You're driving
me into a lunatic!

Let me tell you
somethin', Gloria.

This is no way to
make friends in bed.

Now I understand

that you're a week overdue.

Nine days! All right,
nine days, damn it!

But I'm not gonna be
pushed around any longer.

Oh, blow it out your goodie bag.

Where are you goin'?

I'm just gonna have
a little snack here.

What are you talking...

You're not... Don't eat that.
You're not supposed to eat that now.

That's for when we
go to the hospital.

(LAUGHING)

So this is where my Oreos went.

I just said I didn't eat them.

But you didn't say that
you knew where they were.

I didn't have any Ding Dongs. I only
put those in there for the time being.

What are you doing? Are
you gonna eat that now?

I'm just gonna eat the
white stuff in the middle.

I'll put the cookie part back.

What good is the cookie part unless
it has the white stuff in the middle?

Look what you're doing. You're
breaking the cookie up and everything.

Look, why don't you just
stop eating and go to bed, huh?

Why? So I can lie there
and listen to you snore?

Honey.

Honey, you... you...
You didn't mean that.

(STAMMERING)

Why don't you just lie down,
relax, contract your left leg?

Aw, contract your own left leg.

As a matter of fact, contract
your whole snoring nose

and suck it right
up inside your face.

You know, I'm trying very
hard not to lose my temper.

And I...

I understand that
your nerves are frayed.

And I'm trying to do
everything to make you happy.

Uh, I'll tell you
what. Tell you what.

I won't go to the
basketball game tomorrow.

I'll stay home and take pictures
at the baby shower. Isn't that nice?

Don't do me any favors. I don't
want a martyr at my baby shower.

As a matter of fact,

I don't want you to be my
coach in the delivery room.

All right.

All right.

Great, that's nice.

That's real nice, Gloria.

Maybe... Maybe you don't even
want me in your bedroom, huh?

No. No, I don't want
me in my bedroom.

I'm gonna go sleep next door.

You're not goin' anywhere.

Release to touch, Meathead.

Hey! Hey!

You leave this house I swear, not only
will I not be at that baby shower tomorrow,

I will not be home for
dinner tomorrow night!

Then you'd better take along a
pocketful of Ding Dongs, you dodo.

(WOMEN CHATTERING)

All right, calling all preggos.

We gotta finish
opening the presents.

(WOMEN CALLING GLORIA)

Gloria, where are you?

GLORIA: I'm coming.

Hi, Sylvia. Hi.

Oh, I left the light
on in the john for you.

I've been up there four times
already. I can do it in the dark.

Here you are.
Gloria, that's mine.

Feels like a football helmet.

But it's square, Irene.
It's for square-heads.

Oh, look at that.

Yeah, here's another
bow for you. Thank you.

(WOMEN LAUGHING)

(WOMEN EXCLAIMING)

IRENE: Isn't that darling?

(WOMAN CHATTERING)

Oh, there's a poem here.

"The size is right
for sitting pretty

"'Cause a baby's
tush is itty-bitty."

Thank you, guys.

That is nice.

Would you please
stop kicking me, pal?

Oh, oh, the baby likes its
present. It's clappin', too.

No, he's kicking 'cause
his father's not here.

Oh, let's make way
for the next nifty gifty.

WOMAN: There's only two left.

Vikki.

Hey, Vikki.

Uh, well, wait a minute,
this is your present. Hold it.

I can't hold it. Believe me.

Gloria, you don't look happy.

Aren't you having a good time?

Oh, yeah. I'm
having a good time.

But I'd be having
an even better time

if I knew Michael was havin' a
rotten time and that's the truth.

Look, Gloria.

This is from your mother.

Oh, yeah. Here you are.

Edith, you read the card. Oh, I
don't have to, I know it by heart.

It's a poem. I wrote it myself.

"Pink is for girls,
For boys it is blue

"But whatever you
are, I'll always love you."

(WOMEN EXCLAIMING)

Oh, wait a minute. There's more.

"Dear baby girl,

"Sugar is white, Grass is green

"To your mom you're a
girl, To me you're a queen."

(WOMEN EXCLAIMING)
Ma, that's great.

But what if it's a boy?

Oh, that's the third verse.

"Dear baby boy,

"I think that I shall never see

"A poem lovely as a tree

"I hope you'll like
this present, see,

"'Cause I don't know
how to crochet a tree."

That's great.

Here, Sylvia, you
wear a bow, too. Okay.

(WOMEN EXCLAIMING)

Oh, Ma. WOMAN 1: It's beautiful.

WOMAN 2: It's gorgeous.

"Pink is for girls. For
boys there is blue."

Thanks, Ma. SYLVIA:
Gosh, that's lovely.

I hope Mike likes it.

Mike who?

Mike Stivic, your
husband, you know.

Oh, yeah, him. I don't
wanna talk about him.

Oh, Gloria.

Lots of wives have husband
trouble when they're pregnant.

Even Archie, when
I was carryin' you,

wasn't as sweet as he is now.

I find that hard to believe.

Ma, is Gloria okay?
How's the baby?

Michael!

Gloria, where's the baby?

(ALL CHATTERING)

(HYPERVENTILATING)

Sit down.

I was at the game.

An announcement came
over the loudspeaker

paging Dr. Shapiro.

And I said,

"That's my wife. My
doctor's having a baby."

There must be a hundred
Dr. Shapiros in New York.

Yeah, but when your
wife is a week overdue

and your doctor is Dr. Shapiro,

any doctor can be
your Dr. Shapiro.

Mike, you're breathing too fast.

Ma, he doesn't look too good.

There were five phones. Three of
them were busy, two were out of order.

I tried to call.

Michael, calm down.

Gloria, he's hyperventilating.

He's not even pregnant.

Michael! Ma, go get a paper
bag. I can't stop! I can't stop!

(WOMEN CHATTERING)

Get your coat off!

(WOMEN CHATTERING)

Not so fast.

Make believe you're
having labor pains.

I think I am.

Here's the paper bag,

and I got a bigger one
if he needs more air.

Inhale, inhale. Just breathe
easy into that, honey.

Exhale. Michael, take
it easy, sweetheart.

Inhale. Exhale. I'm sorry,
honey. This is all my fault.

I've been so rotten in
the last few days. Inhale.

I'm really sorry, honey. Exhale.

I didn't mean all the
bad things I said. Inhale.

Oh, I need you to be my
coach in the delivery room.

Exhale. I really need
you there, honey.

And I love you so,
so much. Inhale.

And I'm sorry. Exhale.

Michael.

Michael, please tell
me you forgive me.

I forgive you.

Oh, honey.

What are they doing,
starting a second one?

Oh, no. Gloria's just
fixin' Mike's ventilator.

Come upstairs. I'll show you
the baby's room. Oh, yeah.

Oh, it's so cute.

MIKE: Oh, boy.

Are you feeling better now?

Yeah, yeah. I'm
all right. I'm all right.

Boy, you know, I got...

I got so scared when I heard
them paging Dr. Shapiro.

All kinds of crazy thoughts
went through my head.

I'm sorry I put you
through all that, honey.

That's all right, that's
all right, that's all right.

You know, honey,

I know I'll never understand
everything you're going through.

Hey, if it'd make you
feel any better, though,

I did have six pickles with
my hot dog at the ballgame.

You know somethin' else? What?

I was noticing the other day,

I think I'm gettin'
stretch marks over here.

(LAUGHING) Mike.

MALE ANNOUNCER: All in
the Family was recorded on tape

before a live audience.