All in the Family (1971–1979): Season 6, Episode 1 - The Very Moving Day - full transcript

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played

♪ Songs that made the hit parade

♪ Guys like us, we had it made

♪ Those were the days

♪ And you knew
where you were then

♪ Girls were girls
and men were men

BOTH: ♪ Mister,
we could use a man

♪ Like Herbert Hoover again

♪ Didn't need no welfare state

♪ Everybody pulled his weight

BOTH: ♪ Gee, our
old LaSalle ran great



♪ Those were the days ♪

Sure, sure, should've
known. Figures.

We finally get somebody in the
White House that I can agree with,

and you think she's wrong.

She certainly is.

President Ford tells
us all to bite the bullet,

and Betsy Ford goes on
TV and shoots off her mouth.

Arch, her name is Betty,

and she only said that
she wouldn't be surprised

if her daughter had an affair.

She's a big girl.

Listen, if she has an affair,
she'd be a lot bigger girl.

Let me tell you somethin' else.

The First Lady ain't supposed to go
around making dumb remarks in public.



That's the President's job.

What're you sayin', Arch? That just
because she's the President's wife,

she shouldn't be entitled
to her own opinions?

How do you know
they're her own opinions?

Maybe they ain't
her own opinions.

I'm readin' in the
paper where the CIA

is goin' around
dopin' people up.

Half the government in
Washington is all doped up.

Maybe somebody injected some of
that, uh, LTD in the lady's cottage cheese.

Could've turned
her into a sex nut.

Which is what I call anybody
that is for pre-martial sex.

Premarital. Whatever.

Couples ain't supposed to
do that before they get married.

Oh, but it's all
right for couples

to have premarital sex
after they're married?

Certainly. That's the only
time for it. And at night.

I wanna tell you somethin' else.

No daughter of Archie
Bunker would ever get caught

fooling around before
she got married.

Get away from me, you dirty guy.

Mike, I found some
more packing boxes.

Oh, thanks, Ma.
Oh, look at this.

Hey, now you got a matched
set of Polack luggage.

I can't wait to get
out of this place.

When I move out
of here tomorrow,

I'm gonna feel like a guy who
just served a five-year sentence.

Oh, gee, some tough sentence.

Free room and board and
sleeping with the warden's daughter.

I don't know why I bother
talking with the man.

A guy who just said that the CIA put
LTD in Betsy Ford's cottage cheese.

Oh, my. I'm gonna
miss Mike and Gloria.

The house won't be the same.

No, there'll be more
room up in the can.

EDITH: Hi, Gloria.
ARCHIE: Hi, there, little girl.

Ma, Daddy. Boy,
have I got news for you.

Oh, what kind of news?

Well, look at me.
Doesn't it show?

Don't what show?

Well, I just came from the
doctor's. Now, look at my face.

Can't you see?

Oh, jeez, if you've got
something catching,

give it to your mother. I got
to go to work in the morning.

Daddy, no. This is
an incredible surprise.

Stay over there. Stay
over there and tell her.

Oh, all right. I'll
give you a hint.

♪ I found a million dollar

♪ At the five and
ten cent store ♪

You found a baby in Woolworth's?

Gloria, is what I'm
thinkin' what I think it is?

That's right, Ma. The
doctor gave me a test.

The rabbit test?

What the hell can you
catch from a rabbit?

Daddy, no.

I'm going to have a baby.

Gloria.

Gloria.

You're gonna have a baby?

Oh, she's gonna have a baby.

Oh, Gloria.

Will you cut this out?

(SHUSHING)

What're you carryin' on for?

She got married
first, didn't she?

I can't believe it.

I'm gonna be a grandmother.

Oh, I got to be
alone and cry a little.

Oh, no. I gotta be with
Gloria and cry a lot!

Come on, Edith. Will
you get out of there?

Let the old man
have a chance here.

There, my little girl. Daddy.

Oh, you're gonna be a grandpa!

Will you stop it? You're
gonna squash the baby.

Here, here, here. Come
here. Take some of these here.

Will you dry your
face? Sit down.

Control yourself, there. You're gonna
be a grandma. Here, have a cigar.

I ain't never been a
grandmother before.

Well, neither have I. You don't
hear me getting hysterical over here.

Give me that.

Oh, look at this. My
baby's gonna have a baby.

Ain't that nice. Aw, gee.

Here, Archie.

Take that away. Do you
see water runnin' out of me?

Gloria, when do
you expect the baby?

Well, I'm two months pregnant.

Gee, don't... don't
say that word. Gee.

Listen, honey, bad
girls get pregnant, see?

Nice married girls
is always expecting.

I wonder why
Mike didn't tell us.

'Cause he doesn't know yet.

Mike don't know?

What the hell
business is it of his?

He's the first one
that should know.

Gloria, he's upstairs packin'.

Why don't you go
up and tell him?

You want me to run up
and tell him for you, little girl?

No.

It's just that this is going to
be such a big surprise for him,

because, well, we weren't planning
to have a baby for some time.

And, well, you know
how Michael worries

about world problems and
the population explosion.

For a guy who worries
about explosions,

he lights the fuse
every chance he gets.

MIKE: Ma, what time
is Gloria gettin' home?

I'm home, Michael.

Oh, great. I'll be right down.

Uh, Daddy,

why don't you take Ma
out to dinner tonight?

What for? It ain't her birthday.

Archie, Gloria wants to be
alone when she tells Mike.

Why?

Please, Daddy.

I gotta leave my own house
for something he done?

Please, Grandpa.

Oh, jeez. Oh, Grandpa!

Don't you weep and whinny again.

All right, get your hat
and coat. We'll go out.

Thanks, Daddy.
All right, all right.

ARCHIE: Don't run,
don't run, don't run.

You'll fall off them shoes
and wake the baby up.

I gotta get Michael's dinner.

All right. We'll go out, Edith.

But nothin' Italian because
it causes garlic stones.

Hey, where are you two goin'?

Oh, Archie's takin'
me out to dinner.

Come on. I didn't know
it was your birthday.

No, no, no, no. Her
birthday's in March.

October. Whatever.

We're goin' out to
celebrate something else.

Why are you smilin' at me?

Well, because I like you.

You're okay there, Meathead.

What's wrong?

Nothing, Mike.

Gloria's in the
kitchen. Come on.

Yes, she's in the kitchen.

She's got a surprise
for you out there.

In the oven.

In the oven.

Hey, Gloria?
GLORIA: In the kitchen.

Something's the
matter with your father.

You know, he was smilin' at me
out there. Patted me on the cheek.

I thought he was gonna kiss me.

Michael. Yeah?

I've got some news for you.

Yeah? Good news or bad news?

Well, that's up to you. Um...

You remember that weekend
we spent in Long Beach?

Gee, how could I forget?

We had Leo and Miriam's
bungalow all to ourselves.

You bought that
new string bikini.

(CHUCKLING)

And I forgot my pills.

And you didn't feel like running
out to a drugstore that late at night.

Gloria,

are you trying to tell
me that you're pregnant?

First you tell me if that would
be good news or bad news?

Are you kidding? That
would be great news.

I'm pregnant. I
don't believe it.

(SCREAMING) That's
wonderful! That's just great!

Uh, uh, is there something
we should be doin'?

Uh, yeah. Boil
water. Boil water.

Already? Yeah,
we're having spaghetti.

We're not havin' spaghetti.
We're goin' out for dinner.

Oh, boy. We're gonna celebrate
because we're gonna have a baby.

Oh, Michael,

I was so worried that you
didn't want to have a baby.

Honey, why would you worry?
We're gonna have a baby.

Well, after my miscarriage,
we did promise each other

that we wouldn't try again, at
least till things got better in the world.

Well, yeah, but, honey,
things did get better.

I'm workin' now, and tomorrow,
we're movin' next door.

And you know what else? What?

We're gonna have a baby.

Why would you worry about me?

Well, you did say that there are millions
of babies in the world already born

that don't have a
fair chance to live.

Yeah, I know I said that.

And then you said that maybe we
ought to think about adopting one

instead of bringing another one
into an already overcrowded world.

Yeah, I know I said that.

And you said we ought to think
about what's happening to our ecology.

Yeah, yeah, I said that.

'Cause you said that the air is
poisoned and the water is filthy

and there's not enough
food to go around.

(STAMMERING)
Yeah, I know I said that.

Are you upset now?

Upset? No, no, no, no.
I'm not upset. I'm just, uh...

It's... It's a natural reaction.

You reminded me of
a lot of unhappy things.

So naturally, I, uh, started
to feel a little bit unhappy.

But deep down inside,
I'm, hey, very happy.

Really? Oh, really. Really.

The only thing that I'm
slightly unhappy about

is that you forgot your pills.

Are you insinuating that I
deliberately forgot my pills?

No, no, no. Honey, honey, I'm not
saying you deliberately forgot 'em.

Did you?

No.

Besides, you were the one that
didn't wanna run out to a drugstore.

You... You were the one that
went parading around the living room

in your string bikini.

Well, you were the one that
put on the Mantovani record.

You were the one that
danced us into the bedroom.

Well, there was a cold
shower in the house, you know.

I know. I took
one. It didn't help!

Because you took it with me!

Uh, Gloria, I... I
hate to say this,

but I think that, yes, I
think subconsciously

deep down inside,

you tricked me.

Tricked you? You trapped me.

Trapped you?
You... You lured me.

Lured you? You seduced me.

If I seduced you, how
come I'm pregnant?

Because you forgot the pills.

Honey, if you had
to forget something,

why couldn't it be the
string bikini and not the pills?

Would you let me walk on
the beach wearing three pills?

I'm going out.
Where are you going?

I don't know. I'm goin' out.
Out into the night somewhere.

Michael!

Michael Stivic, you come
back here this instant!

Michael, come back here!

Michael.

You forgot your coat.

I can't believe
she forgot her pills.

You know, Irene, I
was so mad at her,

I felt like running to the
nearest bar and getting loaded.

Then why didn't you?

When I drink, I throw up.

Come on, Mike. Sit
down. Calm yourself.

Here, eat something.

I can't eat when
I'm feelin' this way.

How could she do that? She
knows accidents can happen.

Now wait a minute, buster. You
were at the scene of that accident.

You're no innocent
bystander, you know?

And you know something else?

I think all your gobbledygook
about not having babies

because the world is falling
apart is just a big crock.

Sure. Sure, Irene. You're sayin'
that because you're a devout Catholic.

No, I'm sayin' that because
you're a devout coward.

I think you're afraid of the
responsibility of raising a child.

That's a low blow, Irene.

All right, if you
don't want kids,

then why didn't you
have a vasectomy, huh?

That's an even
lower blow, Irene.

You don't want my advice.

You just want me to tell you
that the baby is Gloria's fault

and that it's wrong to bring a
child into an overcrowded world.

Yes, yes. Now
you're makin' sense.

Look, before you blame this one
poor little baby for destroying the world,

I got something I
want you to read.

What is it? Vatican propaganda?

What?

I don't need any more
poop from the Pope.

It happens to be from The
Christian Science Monitor.

Since when do you get The
Christian Science Monitor?

Since my Baptist butcher
ran out of wax paper.

All right, Irene. Make jokes. I
came here for understanding.

I thought I'd get somebody
like Joyce Brothers.

I got Joan Rivers.
Thank you very much.

Look, at least read the article.

MIKE: Yeah, I'll read it.

Gloria, why don't you
come upstairs to bed?

I can't. Michael's left me,

and I'm going to have a baby.

Oh, he'll be back
long before then.

He probably just
went to the movies.

Or get a divorce.

ARCHIE: Who's getting a divorce?

Nobody, Archie.

I'm just trying to
cheer Gloria up.

Mike loves you very much.

He wouldn't think of
doin' a thing like that.

If Ann Landers got a divorce,
it could happen to anybody.

Maybe Ann Landers
should've wrote to Dear Abby.

Oh, oh, my. I am a grandma.

I just knew Michael would be
unhappy about the baby. I knew it.

Oh, Gloria. Mike
will be very happy

as soon as the baby gets here.

Maybe the baby won't get here.

Well, there ain't nothing
you can do to stop that...

Gloria, no.

Oh, you wouldn't
do a thing like that?

It's exactly what I've been
sitting here thinking about.

Oh, my.

If... If I'd have
thought like that,

I'd be sittin' here
now talkin' to myself.

Well, Ma, don't you feel
a woman has a right to do

what she wants
with her own body?

Well?

Well...

Oh, when I'm sittin' here
watchin' them women

talk about it on
TV, I guess it's yes,

but when I'm sittin' here
with my own daughter,

who's carryin' my
own grandchild...

Oh, Gloria,

I'm already in
love with that baby.

Well, so am I.

But the baby isn't
here, and Michael is,

and I don't wanna
lose my husband.

Oh, jeez.

You're doin' a hell of
a job cheerin' her up.

She's worried. Mike has
been gone a long time.

Yeah, he left before dinner,

which means he probably
fainted in the streets.

Archie, Gloria and me
got something to talk about.

Would you please go back to bed?

No. I hate bed when I'm up.

You go and make
me some coffee, huh?

Go on. Make coffee.
Let me talk to her, huh?

Oh, all right. But
please be nice.

I'm always nice.

Coffee, coffee.

Oh, little girl.

Would you get out of my chair?

All right. Don't cry. 'Cause
I'm never kicking you...

I'd never kick you out of
my chair. Come over here.

I just want you to sit with
me. Like this here, you know.

Like we done long ago.
Remember that, huh?

Gee, I guess we ain't done
this since you was six years old,

and I had to talk you into
going to school. Remember that?

Yeah, I had to take
you by the hand

and drag you to school everyday,
for a week. You remember that?

And all the kids teased you because you
had to have your daddy drag you to school.

Remember that? Hmm.

So, I finally made you go to
school all by yourself. Remember?

Sure.

Except, there you were following
me about half a block behind,

just creeping along, ducking
behind bushes and mail boxes.

Watching out for me every step
of the way, making sure I was safe.

Who went and told you
that? Your mother, huh?

She didn't have to. I
couldn't miss the sound of you

crashing into
those garbage cans.

I didn't see them. I had to keep
my eyes on you the whole time.

Did I ever tell you about the
first time I ever set eyes on you?

Yeah, lots of times.
Oh, well, all right.

Will you tell me
again? Yeah, sure.

The nurse took me
up to that special room

where they keep all the
fresh babies, you know?

I looked through the glass

and I pointed right at you.

It wasn't easy because it
was about a 12-to-1 shot.

Well, no, it was a 11-to-1 shot.

One of the kids
was a colored kid.

And you picked me out, huh?

Oh, just like that. And
I rapped on the glass,

and you looked up at me
and you give me a big smile.

You remember that?

Yeah.

So, come on. How about giving me

one of them big
smiles again, huh?

Come on, give me a smile.

There. That's it. Sure.

And then the years went
by. You was growin' up,

and I was watchin' you blossom.

And then one day, all of a
sudden, bingo, there you was.

Wearing my very
first training bra.

Oh, don't mention that.

Daddy, we're all
alone. You're my father.

We can talk about
things like that.

Yeah, I guess we can now.

Hey, you know what Stretch
Cunningham says about them trainin' bras?

What?

He calls 'em Little
League chest protectors.

I guess this is one
of them, what you call

close father-daughter
moments, ain't it?

Hi. Ah, jeez, he's back.

Where have you
been, Michael Stivic?

I was out walking and thinking.

I didn't know you could do
them two things at the same time.

Did I hear Mike
come... Oh, hi, Mike.

Yeah. See, he's back. You didn't
think he was gonna miss his last night

of free room and board, did you?

Arch, please. I'd like to
talk to Gloria in private.

You can talk to her in private,

but I gotta hear.

Yeah, Daddy's right, Michael.
You're the one that ran off and left me,

and they stayed here with me,
waiting and worrying about you.

Your mother worried.
I didn't give a damn.

So, anything you've got to say,

you can say in
front of all of us.

Yeah. Bravo, bravo.

All right.

Uh,

I feel happy about the baby.

Jeez, whoop-dee-doo.

Yeah, whoop-dee-doo. I'm
real happy you're happy now.

And I sure am happy.

We all heard from you.

I've always wanted
to be a grandmother.

Well, not always.

First, I wanted to be a wife.

Then I wanted to be a mother.

Then I wanted to
be a grandmother.

And now do you wanna be quiet?

Look, honey,

I... I was wrong.

I... I really do wanna
have the baby.

Look,

I want you to read somethin'.

It says it a lot
better than I can.

It's, uh, something
Alistair Cooke wrote.

Alistair what?

Alice, the cook.

"In the best of times, our
days are numbered anyway.

"And so it would be
a crime against nature

"for any generation to take
the world crisis so solemnly

"that it put off
enjoying those things

"for which we were
designed in the first place.

"The opportunity
to do good work,

"to fall in love,

"to enjoy friends, to hit a ball

"and to bounce a baby."

Oh, Michael.

(SOBBING)

Good night.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, Archie,

wasn't that beautiful,
what Gloria read?

Yeah, it was kind of nice.

What the hell did it
have to do with cookin'?

MALE ANNOUNCER: All in
the Family was recorded on tape

before a live audience.