All in the Family (1971–1979): Season 5, Episode 18 - All's Fair - full transcript
Mike and Gloria have been going to a class that teaches them how to fight constructively, and their new-found knowledge opens their eyes as to what a doormat Edith is to Archie. They convince her that she has to stand up to Archie and bring their arguments to an equal balance. Edith is reluctant at first but when Archie comes home, everyone is shocked by how stubborn Edith can be when she puts her foot down. She and Archie get into a serious argument, the lynch-pin of which is the upcoming visit by her cousin whom Archie can't stand. Archie says no, but Edith sticks to her guns and refuses to back down. She ends up sleeping on the couch as a result and a confused and shell-shocked Archie tries to make amends. When the subject of Edith's cousin comes up again Archie begins the argument over again and still Edith won't back down.
♪ BOY, THE WAY
GLENN MILLER PLAYED ♪
♪ SONGS THAT MADE
THE HIT PARADE ♪
♪ GUYS LIKE US, WE HAD IT MADE ♪
♪ THOSE WERE THE DAYS ♪
♪ AND YOU KNEW
WHERE YOU WERE THEN ♪
♪ GIRLS WERE GIRLS
AND MEN WERE MEN ♪
(both) ♪ MISTER, WE
COULD USE A MAN ♪
♪ LIKE HERBERT HOOVER AGAIN ♪
♪ DIDN'T NEED NO
WELFARE STATES ♪
♪ EVERYBODY PULLED HIS WEIGHT ♪
(both) ♪ GEE, OUR OLD
LASALLE RAN GREAT ♪
♪ THOSE WERE ♪
♪ THE DAYS ♪
OH.
[sighs]
[cutlery rattling]
HI, MA.
OH, HI, GLORIA.
HOW WAS YOUR DAY?
LOUSY.
THAT'S NICE.
OH, BOY, MA, THERE
WERE MILLION PEOPLE
AT KRESSLER'S TODAY
AND ALL OF THEM AT
THE COSMETIC COUNTER.
M-MA, WHAT YOU DOING HERE?
I'M SETTIN' THE TABLE.
OH.
YEAH, BUT LOOK WHAT YOU DID.
YOU GOT A KNIFE HERE,
2 FORKS AND A SPOON
AND... AND HERE YOU GOT A SPOON,
2 FORKS AND A KNIFE.
AND THERE YOU GOT 2
SPOONS AND 2 KNIVES,
AND OVER THERE YOU
DON'T HAVE ANYTHING.
THAT AIN'T RIGHT, IS IT?
OK, MA, WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND?
ARCHIE.
THAT'LL DO IT.
HE'S HAVIN' A FIT.
HE SAYS HE DON'T WANT MY
COUSIN ESTELLE AND RALPH
COMIN' TO VISIT US NEXT WEEK,
AND I ALREADY ASKED THEM.
WELL, HOW CAN HE SAY THAT?
AND WHEN YOU AND HE WENT
TO PHILADELPHIA TO VISIT THEM,
THEY SHOWED YOU
A REALLY GREAT TIME.
WELL, HE SAYS THAT
IT'S EASY FOR THEM
TO BE NICE TO HIM
'CAUSE THEY LIKE HIM.
BUT IT'S HARD FOR HIM
TO BE NICE TO THEM.
MA, MA,
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO IF
YOU'VE ALREADY INVITED 'EM?
OH, I WROTE 'EM A LETTER.
I SAID THE FURNACE
WAS BROKE DOWN,
AND THE PLUMBIN' DIDN'T WORK,
AND THE HOUSE WAS BEIN' PAINTED.
MA, HOW COULD YOU LIE LIKE THAT?
ARCHIE TOLD ME TO.
BUT I TORE THE LETTER UP,
CAUSE' AS SOON AS I READ IT I
COULD SEE RIGHT THROUGH ME.
OH, I'M GLAD YOU DID, MA.
YOU KNOW, IT ISN'T FAIR.
ESTELLE IS YOUR FAVORITE COUSIN
AND IF YOU WANT 'EM HERE,
YOU SHOULD HAVE AN
EQUAL SAY ABOUT IT.
WE DID.
I SAID THEY COULD COME AND
ARCHIE SAID THEY COULDN'T.
THEN YOU SHOULD HAVE ANOTHER SAY
AND TELL HIM ESTELLE AND
RALPH ARE COMING, PERIOD.
OH, I CAN'T DO THAT, GLORIA.
'CAUSE ARCHIE ALREADY
SAID CASE CLOSED.
BUT, MA, WHAT KIND OF... MA.
WHAT KIND OF A MARRIAGE IS IT
WHEN ONE PARTNER IS
ALWAYS GIVIN' THE ORDERS
AND THE OTHER ONE
ALWAYS HAS TO OBEY?
WELL, THE WORD "OBEY" WAS
IN OUR MARRIAGE CEREMONY.
WELL, YOU COULD HAVE
TAKEN THE WORD "OBEY" OUT.
MMM-HMM.
THE MINISTER ASKED
US IF WE WANTED IT IN,
AND ARCHIE SAID, " YES,
AS OFTEN AS POSSIBLE."
WELL, I DON'T ALWAYS
GIVE IN TO ARCHIE.
OH, NO? HEH.
GLORIA,
OUR MARRIAGE MAY NOT
BE PERFECT, BUT IT WORKS.
AND MY FATHER ALWAYS SAID,
"IF SOMETHIN'
WORKS, DON'T FIX IT."
BUT, MA,
YOU CAN'T JUST KEEP THINGS
BOTTLED UP INSIDE OF YOU.
IT'S NOT GOOD FOR YOU.
YOU GOTTA GET 'EM OUT.
THAT'S WHAT MICHAEL AND I
HAVE BEEN TRYING TO DO LATELY.
LIKE, THIS MORNING, I
WAS REALLY MAD AT HIM.
BUT HE HAD TO GO OFF TO SCHOOL,
AND I HAD TO GO TO WORK,
SO WE AGREED TO PUT OFF
OUR ARGUMENT UNTIL TONIGHT.
YOU MEAN YOU AND MIKE MAKE
APPOINTMENTS TO HAVE FIGHTS?
SORT OF.
IT'S WHAT PSYCHOLOGISTS
ARE CALLING "FAIR FIGHTING."
MICHAEL BROUGHT
HOME A BOOK ON IT.
YOU KNOW, YOU AND
DADDY OUGHT TO TRY THAT.
FAIR FIGHTIN'?
YEAH, THEY'RE TELLIN' PEOPLE
TO GET THINGS OUT IN THE OPEN.
YOU KNOW, LET OFF STEAM, MA.
'CAUSE WHEN YOU HOLD
THINGS THING INSIDE
AND YOU BOTTLE 'EM UP,
IT'S CALLED GUNNYSACKING.
AND THAT'S NOT HEALTHY.
SOME COUPLES ARE EVEN
TAKIN' LESSONS IN FIGHTING.
OH, I DON'T THINK
ARCHIE NEEDS LESSONS.
(Mike) I'M HOME.
AH, HE'S HERE.
HI, HONEY.
HOW WAS YOUR DAY?
DO YOU CARE, MICHAEL?
DO YOU REALLY CARE?
CAN'T WAIT TO GET
STARTED, CAN YOU?
ALL RIGHT. WHAT
DID I DO LAST NIGHT
THAT WAS SO TERRIBLE, HUH?
I WAS TELLING YOU ABOUT
A PROBLEM I HAD AT WORK,
AND ONCE AGAIN YOU
FELL ASLEEP ON ME.
GLORIA, GLORIA, I'M
ALWAYS HOME BY 6:00.
WE HAVE ALL EVENING TO TALK.
WHY DO YOU WAIT
TILL WE GET INTO BED
BEFORE YOU START TALKIN'?
BECAUSE THAT'S THE ONLY
PLACE I CAN GET YOUR ATTENTION.
FUNNY, FUNNY.
YOU GOT MY ATTENTION. I'M
HERE. WELL, WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?
IT'S TOO LATE.
I HAD TO SOLVE THE
PROBLEM ALL BY MYSELF.
NO THANKS TO YOU.
I DON'T BELIEVE THIS.
YOU'RE ANGRY AT ME
BECAUSE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP,
YOU SOLVED THE PROBLEM?
THAT'S DUMB, GLORIA.
THAT'S JUST PLAIN DUMB.
NOW DON'T CALL ME DUMB.
THAT'S HITTING BELOW THE BELT.
HI, MIKE.
BESIDES OUR PROBLEM
IS NOT THE POINT.
THE POINT IS, MICHAEL,
I COULD PUT A STRANGE
WOMAN IN THE BED WITH YOU
AND YOU'D NEVER EVEN
KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.
YES, I WOULD.
I WOULDN'T FALL ASLEEP.
YOU'RE INSENSITIVE, MICHAEL.
YOU'RE AN INSENSITIVE,
SELFISH MAN.
WOULD YOU TWO MIND HOLDIN'
UP YOUR FIGHT APPOINTMENT
UNTIL AFTER DINNER?
YOU KNOW, MICHAEL,
THERE USED TO BE...
GLORIA, GLORIA, HOLD IT.
I THINK YOUR
MOTHER'S GOT A POINT.
I FIGHT MUCH BETTER
AFTER I'VE EATEN.
WELL, I DON'T. AND
YOU KNOW THE RULES:
ONCE WE START
WE'VE GOT TO FINISH.
YOU MEAN THEY GOT RULES
NOW FOR FAMILY FIGHTS?
WELL, YEAH, MA. THAT'S WHY
THEY CALL IT FAIR FIGHTING.
AND ONE OF THE MAIN RULES
IS NO HITTING BELOW THE BELT.
OH, YOU SHOULDN'T HIT NOWHERE.
NO, MA. IT JUST MEANS
THAT YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED
TO TALK ABOUT ANYTHING
THAT YOUR PARTNER
IS SENSITIVE ABOUT.
LIKE, I'M NOT SUPPOSED
TO MENTION THE FACT
THAT I'M WORKING
TO SUPPORT MICHAEL.
UH, CAREFUL, GLORIA.
YOU KNOW, THAT I'M
THE BREADWINNER
AND HE'S THE FREELOADER.
GLORIA.
OH, MICHAEL, I'M JUST TELLING MA
WHAT I'M NOT
SUPPOSED TO CALL YOU.
WELL, I NEVER EVEN THINK OF
YOU AS A FREELOADER, HONEY.
SEE, MA, WE ALL
HAVE A WEAK SPOT.
LIKE IN GLORIA'S CASE,
IT'S HER EDUCATION.
WATCH IT, MICHAEL.
I'M NOT SUPPOSED
TO BRING UP THE FACT
THAT I'M A COLLEGE MAN
AND SHE'S ONLY A
HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATE.
OK!
I... I CAN'T SAY THINGS LIKE
THIS IS TOO COMPLICATED
FOR YOU, GLORIA.
THIS IS WAY OVER YOUR HEAD.
YOU'RE CUTTIN' IT CLOSE, STIVIC.
SO WHEN WE HAVE AN ARGUMENT,
WHEN WE HAVE AN ARGUMENT,
I HAVE TO USE SIMPLE WORDS
SO SHE CAN UNDERSTAND.
FOUL! FOUL!
THAT'S HITTING WAY
BELOW THE BELT!
WELL, WHAT ABOUT
FREELOADER, HUH?
DON'T YOU THINK FREELOADER
IS HITTIN' BELOW THE BELT?
I DON'T THINK I LIKE
THIS KIND OF FIGHTIN'.
ALL RIGHT. FREELOADER
WAS ROTTEN.
IT WAS ROTTEN.
ALL RIGHT, I'M SORRY.
BUT ARE YOU SORRY FOR
FALLING ASLEEP ON ME
LAST NIGHT WHILE I
WAS TALKING TO YOU?
YEAH, I'M SORRY.
YEAH?
YEAH.
I PROMISE I...
FROM NOW ON I'LL LISTEN
TO EVERY WORD YOU SAY.
I-I-I'LL NEVER SLEEP
WHEN I'M LISTENIN' TO YOU.
AS A MATTER OF FACT, IF
YOU TALK IN YOUR SLEEP,
I'LL WAKE UP TO LISTEN TO YOU.
OK?
OK.
OH, I LIKE THE WAY IT ENDS UP.
YOU SEE, MA?
AFTER MICHAEL AND
I HAVE A FAIR FIGHT,
WE'RE EVEN CLOSER
THAN WE USED TO BE.
AND IT'D WORK THE SAME
FOR YOU AND DADDY, TOO.
(Mike) YEAH, YEAH, MA, YOU
SEE, A MAN RESPECTS A WOMAN
WHO ISN'T ALWAYS BACKIN' DOWN.
I... I LOVE GLORIA MORE
BECAUSE SHE STANDS UP TO ME.
AND DADDY WILL FEEL
THE SAME WAY ABOUT YOU.
YOU'LL SEE.
JUST DON'T BE AFRAID TO
FIGHT FOR WHAT YOU WANT.
WHOOP-DEE-DOO, WHOOP-DEE-DOO.
WHOOP-DEE-DOO,
WAIT TILL YOU HEAR
WHAT HAPPENED TO ME
ON THE SUBWAY TODAY.
OH, THAT'S WONDERFUL.
OH, HOLD IT, HOLD IT, HOLD IT.
WHAT'S WONDERFUL?
WHATEVER HAPPENED.
HOW DO YOU KNOW WHAT
HAPPENED IS WONDERFUL
UNLESS I TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENED?
WHY COULDN'T YOU WAIT?
OH, I'M SORRY. WHAT HAPPENED?
I FOUND A $20 BILL. HA HA.
THAT'S WONDERFUL.
YEAH. AIN'T IT BETTER NOW
THAT YOU'VE WAITED, HUH? YEAH.
IT LOOKED DOWN ON THE
SUBWAY FLOOR, EDITH,
AND THERE IT WAS.
AND YOU PICKED IT UP.
NO, NO, I PUT MY FOOT ON IT
TILL IT WAS TIME TO
GET ON TO THE SUBWAY,
THEN I PICKED IT UP.
DIDN'T YOU ASK
NOBODY IF THEY LOST IT?
YOU NEVER TALK TO
STRANGERS ON THE SUBWAY.
ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU'RE
CARRYIN' THIS KIND OF DOUGH.
BUT I'M GLAD YOU'RE
FEELING SO GOOD
'CAUSE I'VE GOT
SOMETHIN' TO TELL YOU.
GO AHEAD.
REMEMBER THE LETTER
THAT YOU TOLD ME TO
WRITE TO MY COUSIN ESTELLE
TO TELL HER NOT TO COME?
YEAH, WHAT ABOUT IT?
I NEVER SENT IT.
EDITH, NO PROBLEM.
NO PROBLEM AT ALL.
TONIGHT I FEEL SO GOOD,
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA DO?
I'M GONNA GO INTO THE KITCHEN
AND GET MY OWN
BEER MYSELF FOR ME.
♪ WHOOP-DEE-DOO, WHOOP-DEE-DOO ♪
♪ DOO, DOO, DOO, DOO, DOO, DOO ♪
IT WORKED.
THERE'S SOMETHING'S WRONG HERE.
THE GUY WHO PUTS HIS FOOT
ON THE $20 BILL ON THE
SUBWAY, THAT'S ARCHIE.
BUT THAT NICE GUY WHO JUST
WHOOP-DEE-DOOED
HIMSELF INTO THE KITCHEN,
THAT'S SOMEBODY ELSE.
MAYBE HE DIDN'T HEAR ME.
I BETTER GO TELL HIM AGAIN.
NO, MA. WHY PUSH YOUR LUCK?
I MEAN, THAT GOOD MOOD HE'S
IN FROM FINDING THAT MONEY
COULD WEAR OFF AT ANY TIME.
YEAH, $20 DOESN'T GO
AS FAR AS IT USED TO.
I BETTER MAKE SURE.
MA.
ARCHIE, I THOUGHT YOU
CAME IN HERE TO GET A BEER.
YEAH, BUT I SEEN THIS FIRST.
OH, BUT THAT'S DESSERT.
YOU AIN'T HAD YOUR DINNER YET.
[mumbling]
ARCHIE, DID YOU HEAR
WHAT I SAID IN THERE
ABOUT COUSIN ESTELLE?
YEAH, YOU SAID YOU DIDN'T
SEND HER THAT LETTER.
WELL, FINE.
OH, I'M SO GLAD TO
HEAR YOU SAY THAT.
'CAUSE LETTERS CAN
GET LOST IN THE MAIL.
WHAT I THINK YOU OUGHT TO DO IS
GET ON A TELEPHONE TO PHILLY
AND TELL YOUR COUSIN
FATSO AND HER HUSBAND
THAT THEY CAN'T COME HERE.
I WAS WRONG, THAT'S ARCHIE.
WHAT DO I DO NOW?
NO GUNNYSACKING.
FAIR FIGHT!
DO IT!
ARCHIE.
YEAH?
I DON'T WANNA CALL PHILADELPHIA.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
JUST REVERSE THE CHARGES,
FATSO CAN AFFORD IT.
NO!
I MEAN, I REFUSE
TO CALL ESTELLE.
[Mike and Gloria clapping]
OH.
WHAT THE HELL IS GOIN' ON HERE?
YOU... YOU...
RUN 'EM WORDS
PAST ME ONCE AGAIN?
I AIN'T GONNA CALL ESTELLE
AND I AIN'T GONNA
WRITE HER, NEITHER.
MY MIND IS MADE UP. CASE CLOSED.
I'M THE ONLY ONE
THAT CLOSES CASES AROUND HERE.
NOW, DON'T BE
ACTIN' LIKE A DINGBAT.
OOH, FOUL. YOU JUST
HIT ME BELOW THE BELT.
I'M OVER HERE. I
NEVER COME NEAR YOU.
HOLD IT, HOLD IT,
HOLD IT, HOLD IT.
ARE THEM TWO PUTTIN' YOU
UP TO SOME KIND OF A GAG?
OH, NO, NO, ARCHIE.
I JUST THINK
THAT WE SHOULD
TRY SOMETHIN' NEW.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT?
I'M TALKIN' ABOUT
THE FAIR FIGHT WE'RE GONNA HAVE.
WE AIN'T GONNA HAVE NO FIGHT.
YEAH, WE ARE.
NO, WE AIN'T.
YES, WE ARE.
NO, WE AIN'T.
YES, WE ARE.
WHY ARE WE GONNA FIGHT?
SO WE CAN BE CLOSER THAN EVER.
AND... AND STAY HAPPILY MARRIED.
ARE YOU GOING THROUGH
THE CHANGE AGAIN?
[inaudible]
MARRIAGE IS SUPPOSED
TO BE A 2-WAY STREET.
WHAT WAS THAT?
MA HAS THE RIGHT
TO AIR HER FEELINGS.
SHE CAN HANG HER FEELINGS
ON A CLOTHESLINE FOR ALL I CARE.
I DON'T WANT HER FEELINGS
BRUNG TO THIS HERE TABLE.
ARCHIE, I... [exclaiming]
I DON'T WANNA HEAR NO
MORE ABOUT FAIR FIGHTS,
OR FOULS BELOW THE
BELT OR GUNNY BAGGIN'S.
GUNNYSACK.
WHATEVER, WHATEVER.
ARCHIE, GIVE ME ONE GOOD REASON
WHY YOU DON'T WANT
COUSIN ESTELLE VISITIN' US?
I'LL GIVE YOU 4 OF THEM.
SHE DYES HER HAIR, SHE
NEVER SHUTS HER BIG YAP,
AND SHE'S GOT A
REAR END LIKE A BUS.
YOU SAID 4.
SHE MARRIED A CREEP.
DADDY, RALPH HAPPENS TO BE
ONE OF THE BEST
VETERINARIANS IN PHILADELPHIA.
HE'S GOT FLEAS.
AND I DON'T WANT FLEAS
SLEEPIN' IN THIS HOUSE.
AND IF HE'S SUCH A
GREAT ANIMAL DOCTOR,
HOW COME HIS OFFICE IS RIGHT
NEXT DOOR TO THE ANIMAL CEMETERY?
ARCHIE,
THEY'RE INVITIN' US TO
PHILADELPHIA ALL THE TIME.
WELL, THEY GOT A BIG HOUSE
DOWN THERE IN PHILADELPHIA.
EDITH, THEY GOT A LOT OF
ROOM. WE AIN'T GOT NO ROOM.
THEY COME UP HERE TO STAY,
WHERE THE HELL THEY GONNA SLEEP?
WELL, THEY COULD USE OUR ROOM.
AH, GEE, YOU WOMEN,
WHERE ARE YOUS TWO GONNA SLEEP?
WE'LL SLEEP DOWN HERE
ON THE ROLLAWAY BED.
YEAH.
YOUS TWO SLEEPIN' ON WHEELS?
THAT LIVIN' ROOM WILL BE LIKE
THE INDIANAPOLIS SPEEDWAY.
THAT WAS GROSS.
I'M GLAD YOU ADMIT IT.
NOW SHUT UP.
MICHAEL?
JUST STAY OUT OF IT.
DON'T TELL HER WHAT TO DO.
SHE'S MY WIFE!
SHE WAS MY DAUGHTER
BEFORE SHE WAS YOUR WIFE.
YOU AIN'T SUPPOSED
TO FIGHT WITH THEM.
YOU'RE SUPPOSED
TO FIGHT WITH ME.
WHAT ARE WE FIGHTING FOR,
THE WORST DINGBAT TITLE?
YOU AIN'T SUPPOSED TO
CALL ME NAMES NEITHER.
AH. FAIR FIGHTIN', ARCHIE.
THAT'S RIGHT, MA.
AND YOU SHOULDN'T CALL
MY COUSIN NAMES, NEITHER.
I'M GETTIN' OUT OF HERE.
MIKE AND GLORIA ARE NICE...
WHERE ARE YOU GOIN'?
DON'T YOU WANT TO HEAR
MY SIDE OF THE STORY?
NO, I DO NOT.
AND FOR THE LAST TIME,
THIS HOUSE IS OFF LIMITS
TO COUSIN FATSO AND
HER HUSBAND, DOGFACE.
[phone ringing]
I'LL GET IT.
HE'S NOT GETTIN' OUT
OF THIS THING SO EASY.
ARCH, YOU CAN'T RUN
AWAY FROM A PROBLEM.
JEEZ, YOU'RE THE
BEST PROOF OF THAT.
THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE
DOING. YOU'RE HIDING.
YOU'RE ESCAPING INTO THE
SECURITY OF THE KITCHEN
LIKE A CHILD TRYING TO
RETURN TO THE WOMB.
NO SEX WHILE I'M EATIN' HERE.
WHY WON'T YOU
LISTEN TO MA'S SIDE?
SHE WANTS TO SAY THAT,
LET HER WRITE TO DEAR ABBY,
I'LL READ ABOUT
IT IN THE PAPERS.
YOU'RE AFRAID
SHE MIGHT BE RIGHT.
THAT'S IT, ARCH.
YOU CAN'T ACCEPT ANYTHING
NEW, LIKE FAIR FIGHTING.
YOU CAN'T TAKE CHANGE.
THERE'S A TECHNICAL
TERM FOR GUYS LIKE YOU.
THERE'S A TECHNICAL
TERM FOR GUYS LIKE YOU.
[sputters]
THAT'S YOUR ANSWER
TO EVERYTHING.
TOTAL INABILITY TO FACE REALITY,
SO YOU GIVE IT THE RASPBERRY.
YOU GOT A POINT.
[sputters]
YOU CAN'T RUN AWAY
FROM THE TRUTH, ARCH.
I WISH TO HELL YOU'D
RUN AWAY FROM HOME.
THAT CALL FOR ME?
NO, IT'S COUSIN ESTELLE.
OH, DON'T TELL ME
PHILADELPHIA FATS IS IN TOWN.
NO! SHE CALLED TO SAY
THAT THEY CAN'T
MAKE IT NEXT WEEK.
OH, GEE, WHAT A SHAME, EDITH?
TO WHAT DO WE OWE THIS,
MISFORTUNATE FLUKE OF LUCK?
RALPH GOT VERY BUSY.
HE HAD A LOT OF SICK
ANIMALS TO LOOK AFTER.
OH, THAT'S WHAT HE OUGHT TO DO.
STAY THERE, STAY THERE.
WHEN A DOG IS THROWIN' UP,
HE WANTS TO KNOW HIS
OWN DOCTOR'S IN TOWN.
IF ESTELLE CAN'T MAKE IT,
I GUESS YOU'RE OFF THE HOOK, MA.
SO FORGET IT.
THAT'S RIGHT, FORGET IT.
AND STOP STEAMIN' YOUR
MOTHER UP OVER NOTHIN'.
NOTHIN'?
THAT'S RIGHT. NOTHIN'.
OH, WHAT YOU THINK IS
NOTHIN' MAYBE SOMETHIN' TO ME.
JUST LIKE WHAT'S NOTHIN'
TO ME IS SOMETHIN' TO YOU.
ONLY, I WOULD NEVER SAY TO YOU
YOUR NOTHIN' IS NOTHIN',
BECAUSE IT'S SOMETHIN' TO YOU.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT
THE HELL YOU JUST SAID.
I JUST SAID THAT YOU
OUGHT TO RESPECT
MY FEELINGS SOMETIMES, ARCHIE.
I ALWAYS RESPECT YOUR FEELINGS.
NOW SIT THE HELL DOWN.
NO!
I AIN'T GONNA SIT DOWN
JUST 'CAUSE YOU
TELL ME TO SIT DOWN.
WELL, AS LONG AS YOU'RE
UP THERE ON YOUR FEET,
UH, WHAT WOULD YOU THINK
ABOUT GETTIN' ME A BEER?
NO. I AIN'T GONNA GET YOU A BEER
JUST 'CAUSE YOU TELL
ME TO GET YOU A BEER.
WELL, WHAT WOULD YOU
THINK ABOUT SHUTTIN' UP?
NO! I AIN'T GONNA SHUT UP.
I'VE GOT A RIGHT TO TALK
JUST LIKE ANYBODY ELSE.
NOW, LISTEN,
YOU'RE GONNA DO
WHAT I TELL YOU TO DO!
OR ELSE... OR ELSE, WHAT?
[gibbering]
I'LL GO TO KELSEY'S.
NO!
YEAH, I'LL GO TO KELSEY'S
NOW. NO, NO. YOU CAN'T.
LOOK AT HER, SHE'S CHARGIN' ME.
NO, YOU GOT TO STAY IN HERE.
YOU GOT TO FINISH THE FIGHT.
OH, NO. I'M GETTIN' AWAY
FROM YOU, EDITH. RIGHT NOW.
NO, YOU AIN'T. NO, YOU CAN'T.
OH, YES.
AND WHEN I COME
BACK FROM KELSEY'S,
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I'M GONNA DO.
I'M GONNA SLEEP
ON THE SOFA THERE.
NO, YOU AIN'T. YES, I AM.
NO, YOU AIN'T. YES, I AM!
NO, YOU AIN'T! YES! WHY AIN'T I?
BECAUSE I'M GONNA
SLEEP ON THE COUCH.
NO, YOU AIN'T.
YES, I AM!
OK, EDITH, YOU GOT A DEAL.
OH, ARCHIE.
YOU GOT A DEAL.
YOU GOT A DEAL. YOU GOT A DEAL.
MA. WHY DIDN'T YOU LET
DADDY SLEEP ON THE COUCH?
'CAUSE I WAS TRYIN'
TO STAND UP TO HIM,
LIKE YOU TOLD ME.
[sobbing]
OH. OH.
MA.
OH, OH, OH.
OH, I GUESS I BETTER GO UPSTAIRS
AND GET SOME
SHEETS AND A BLANKET.
[sobbing]
JEEZ, I DIDN'T MEAN TO
WAKE YOU UP THERE, EDITH.
I THOUGHT I'D COME DOWN
AND WATCH A LITTLE T.V.
T.V. AT THIS HOUR?
IT MUST BE AFTER MIDNIGHT.
OH, YEAH, IT IS.
BUT I SEE BY THE T.V. GUIDE
THEY'RE RUNNIN' A
TERRIFIC MOVIE TONIGHT.
OZZIE AND HARRIET IN
HERE COME THE NELSONS.
OH.
WILL IT KEEP YOU
AWAKE IF I WATCH IT?
OH, NO. I CAN SLEEP
THROUGH THAT ONE.
UNLESS YOU'D RATHER FIGHT.
WELL, YOU KNOW, I THOUGHT
ONE OF THEM FAIR FIGHTS,
IF IT'D MAKE YOU HAPPY.
THANK YOU, ARCHIE.
MAYBE IN THE MORNING.
WELL, I KIND OF THINK
THAT I KNOW WHAT
WOULD MAKE YOU HAPPY.
WHAT?
A SAUSAGE PIZZA.
A PIZZA?
YEAH, THERE'S A
NEW ALL-NIGHT JOINT
ABOUT 4 BLOCKS FROM HERE.
I SEEN THE DAGO THROWIN' THE
DOUGH AROUND IN THE WINDOW.
I GO UP THERE AND GET DRESSED,
AND I COULD GO OUT IN THE COLD
AND GET YOU ONE.
YOU KNOW, UNLESS
YOU FEEL LIKE, UH,
GETTIN' OUT OF THE COUCH
AND MAKIN' ME A
SANDWICH IN THE KITCHEN.
OH, GEE, I'D BE GLAD
TO FIX SOMETHING FOR
YOU IF YOU'RE HUNGRY.
YEAH, BUT I... I
WOULDN'T WANT TO, UH,
MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE A
SERVANT THERE, EDITH,
IF YOU'RE JUST MAKIN' ME A
SANDWICH LIKE A GOOD WIFE SHOULD.
I DON'T FEEL LIKE A SERVANT.
YEAH.
YEAH, WELL, I-I'LL TELL YOU
SOMETHIN' ELSE THERE, EDITH.
AS LONG AS WE'RE, YOU KNOW,
WHAT YOU CALL EQUAL PARTNERS,
UH, WHY DON'T YOU MAKE
US BOTH A SANDWICH?
OK?
OK.
OH, NAH. AIN'T THAT NICE?
WELL, MAYBE THERE'S
SOMETHIN' AFTER ALL
IN THIS FAIR FIGHTIN', HUH?
[laughing]
YOU GOT ANY BALONEY OUT THERE?
I'LL SEE. YEAH.
I'D RATHER HAVE THAT
THAN THAT PIZZA ANYWAY,
I'D PROBABLY BE TASTIN'
THE PIZZA TILL JULY.
UH-HUH. YEAH.
I WANNA TELL YOU, EDITH, I
WAS WRONG, WRONG, WRONG.
YOU'VE GOT A RIGHT
TO SEE YOUR RELATIONS
NO MATTER WHAT THEY LOOK LIKE.
OH, THANK YOU, ARCHIE.
AND I WANT YOU TO KNOW
I AIN'T SAYIN' THAT JUST
'CAUSE I KNOW THEY AIN'T COMIN'.
DO YOU REALLY MEAN THAT?
OH, I CERTAINLY DO.
OH, THAT'S WONDERFUL,
'CAUSE ESTELLE SAID
THEY COULD COME
WEEK AFTER NEXT.
ARE YOU KIDDIN'?
NO.
SO, I'LL GET ON THE
PHONE IN THE MORNING
AND TELL HER IT'S
OK, COME AHEAD.
YOU TRICKED ME, EDITH.
YOU TRICKED ME, EDITH.
YOU KNOW DAMN
WELL THAT I DON'T WANT
THAT REDHEAD HIPPO
AND HER FLEA-BITTEN
HUSBAND IN THIS HOUSE.
OH, THAT'S FOUL.
CALLIN' PEOPLE NAMES, IT'S FOUL.
FOUL! WHEN YOU'RE
FIGHTIN' A FREAKO FAMILY
FROM PHILLY, YOU
GOT A FIGHT FOUL.
BUT YOU WERE JUST SAYIN'... I'LL
TELL YOU WHAT YOU'RE GONNA DO.
YOU'RE GONNA GET
ON THAT TELEPHONE
AND YOU'RE GONNA TELL 'EM THAT
IF THEY GET ON
THAT TRAIN IN PHILLY,
I'M GONNA DERAIL THAT TRAIN
IN ELIZABETH, NEW JERSEY!
(male announcer) ALL IN THE
FAMILY WAS RECORDED ON TAPE
BEFORE A LIVE AUDIENCE.
GLENN MILLER PLAYED ♪
♪ SONGS THAT MADE
THE HIT PARADE ♪
♪ GUYS LIKE US, WE HAD IT MADE ♪
♪ THOSE WERE THE DAYS ♪
♪ AND YOU KNEW
WHERE YOU WERE THEN ♪
♪ GIRLS WERE GIRLS
AND MEN WERE MEN ♪
(both) ♪ MISTER, WE
COULD USE A MAN ♪
♪ LIKE HERBERT HOOVER AGAIN ♪
♪ DIDN'T NEED NO
WELFARE STATES ♪
♪ EVERYBODY PULLED HIS WEIGHT ♪
(both) ♪ GEE, OUR OLD
LASALLE RAN GREAT ♪
♪ THOSE WERE ♪
♪ THE DAYS ♪
OH.
[sighs]
[cutlery rattling]
HI, MA.
OH, HI, GLORIA.
HOW WAS YOUR DAY?
LOUSY.
THAT'S NICE.
OH, BOY, MA, THERE
WERE MILLION PEOPLE
AT KRESSLER'S TODAY
AND ALL OF THEM AT
THE COSMETIC COUNTER.
M-MA, WHAT YOU DOING HERE?
I'M SETTIN' THE TABLE.
OH.
YEAH, BUT LOOK WHAT YOU DID.
YOU GOT A KNIFE HERE,
2 FORKS AND A SPOON
AND... AND HERE YOU GOT A SPOON,
2 FORKS AND A KNIFE.
AND THERE YOU GOT 2
SPOONS AND 2 KNIVES,
AND OVER THERE YOU
DON'T HAVE ANYTHING.
THAT AIN'T RIGHT, IS IT?
OK, MA, WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND?
ARCHIE.
THAT'LL DO IT.
HE'S HAVIN' A FIT.
HE SAYS HE DON'T WANT MY
COUSIN ESTELLE AND RALPH
COMIN' TO VISIT US NEXT WEEK,
AND I ALREADY ASKED THEM.
WELL, HOW CAN HE SAY THAT?
AND WHEN YOU AND HE WENT
TO PHILADELPHIA TO VISIT THEM,
THEY SHOWED YOU
A REALLY GREAT TIME.
WELL, HE SAYS THAT
IT'S EASY FOR THEM
TO BE NICE TO HIM
'CAUSE THEY LIKE HIM.
BUT IT'S HARD FOR HIM
TO BE NICE TO THEM.
MA, MA,
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO IF
YOU'VE ALREADY INVITED 'EM?
OH, I WROTE 'EM A LETTER.
I SAID THE FURNACE
WAS BROKE DOWN,
AND THE PLUMBIN' DIDN'T WORK,
AND THE HOUSE WAS BEIN' PAINTED.
MA, HOW COULD YOU LIE LIKE THAT?
ARCHIE TOLD ME TO.
BUT I TORE THE LETTER UP,
CAUSE' AS SOON AS I READ IT I
COULD SEE RIGHT THROUGH ME.
OH, I'M GLAD YOU DID, MA.
YOU KNOW, IT ISN'T FAIR.
ESTELLE IS YOUR FAVORITE COUSIN
AND IF YOU WANT 'EM HERE,
YOU SHOULD HAVE AN
EQUAL SAY ABOUT IT.
WE DID.
I SAID THEY COULD COME AND
ARCHIE SAID THEY COULDN'T.
THEN YOU SHOULD HAVE ANOTHER SAY
AND TELL HIM ESTELLE AND
RALPH ARE COMING, PERIOD.
OH, I CAN'T DO THAT, GLORIA.
'CAUSE ARCHIE ALREADY
SAID CASE CLOSED.
BUT, MA, WHAT KIND OF... MA.
WHAT KIND OF A MARRIAGE IS IT
WHEN ONE PARTNER IS
ALWAYS GIVIN' THE ORDERS
AND THE OTHER ONE
ALWAYS HAS TO OBEY?
WELL, THE WORD "OBEY" WAS
IN OUR MARRIAGE CEREMONY.
WELL, YOU COULD HAVE
TAKEN THE WORD "OBEY" OUT.
MMM-HMM.
THE MINISTER ASKED
US IF WE WANTED IT IN,
AND ARCHIE SAID, " YES,
AS OFTEN AS POSSIBLE."
WELL, I DON'T ALWAYS
GIVE IN TO ARCHIE.
OH, NO? HEH.
GLORIA,
OUR MARRIAGE MAY NOT
BE PERFECT, BUT IT WORKS.
AND MY FATHER ALWAYS SAID,
"IF SOMETHIN'
WORKS, DON'T FIX IT."
BUT, MA,
YOU CAN'T JUST KEEP THINGS
BOTTLED UP INSIDE OF YOU.
IT'S NOT GOOD FOR YOU.
YOU GOTTA GET 'EM OUT.
THAT'S WHAT MICHAEL AND I
HAVE BEEN TRYING TO DO LATELY.
LIKE, THIS MORNING, I
WAS REALLY MAD AT HIM.
BUT HE HAD TO GO OFF TO SCHOOL,
AND I HAD TO GO TO WORK,
SO WE AGREED TO PUT OFF
OUR ARGUMENT UNTIL TONIGHT.
YOU MEAN YOU AND MIKE MAKE
APPOINTMENTS TO HAVE FIGHTS?
SORT OF.
IT'S WHAT PSYCHOLOGISTS
ARE CALLING "FAIR FIGHTING."
MICHAEL BROUGHT
HOME A BOOK ON IT.
YOU KNOW, YOU AND
DADDY OUGHT TO TRY THAT.
FAIR FIGHTIN'?
YEAH, THEY'RE TELLIN' PEOPLE
TO GET THINGS OUT IN THE OPEN.
YOU KNOW, LET OFF STEAM, MA.
'CAUSE WHEN YOU HOLD
THINGS THING INSIDE
AND YOU BOTTLE 'EM UP,
IT'S CALLED GUNNYSACKING.
AND THAT'S NOT HEALTHY.
SOME COUPLES ARE EVEN
TAKIN' LESSONS IN FIGHTING.
OH, I DON'T THINK
ARCHIE NEEDS LESSONS.
(Mike) I'M HOME.
AH, HE'S HERE.
HI, HONEY.
HOW WAS YOUR DAY?
DO YOU CARE, MICHAEL?
DO YOU REALLY CARE?
CAN'T WAIT TO GET
STARTED, CAN YOU?
ALL RIGHT. WHAT
DID I DO LAST NIGHT
THAT WAS SO TERRIBLE, HUH?
I WAS TELLING YOU ABOUT
A PROBLEM I HAD AT WORK,
AND ONCE AGAIN YOU
FELL ASLEEP ON ME.
GLORIA, GLORIA, I'M
ALWAYS HOME BY 6:00.
WE HAVE ALL EVENING TO TALK.
WHY DO YOU WAIT
TILL WE GET INTO BED
BEFORE YOU START TALKIN'?
BECAUSE THAT'S THE ONLY
PLACE I CAN GET YOUR ATTENTION.
FUNNY, FUNNY.
YOU GOT MY ATTENTION. I'M
HERE. WELL, WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?
IT'S TOO LATE.
I HAD TO SOLVE THE
PROBLEM ALL BY MYSELF.
NO THANKS TO YOU.
I DON'T BELIEVE THIS.
YOU'RE ANGRY AT ME
BECAUSE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP,
YOU SOLVED THE PROBLEM?
THAT'S DUMB, GLORIA.
THAT'S JUST PLAIN DUMB.
NOW DON'T CALL ME DUMB.
THAT'S HITTING BELOW THE BELT.
HI, MIKE.
BESIDES OUR PROBLEM
IS NOT THE POINT.
THE POINT IS, MICHAEL,
I COULD PUT A STRANGE
WOMAN IN THE BED WITH YOU
AND YOU'D NEVER EVEN
KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.
YES, I WOULD.
I WOULDN'T FALL ASLEEP.
YOU'RE INSENSITIVE, MICHAEL.
YOU'RE AN INSENSITIVE,
SELFISH MAN.
WOULD YOU TWO MIND HOLDIN'
UP YOUR FIGHT APPOINTMENT
UNTIL AFTER DINNER?
YOU KNOW, MICHAEL,
THERE USED TO BE...
GLORIA, GLORIA, HOLD IT.
I THINK YOUR
MOTHER'S GOT A POINT.
I FIGHT MUCH BETTER
AFTER I'VE EATEN.
WELL, I DON'T. AND
YOU KNOW THE RULES:
ONCE WE START
WE'VE GOT TO FINISH.
YOU MEAN THEY GOT RULES
NOW FOR FAMILY FIGHTS?
WELL, YEAH, MA. THAT'S WHY
THEY CALL IT FAIR FIGHTING.
AND ONE OF THE MAIN RULES
IS NO HITTING BELOW THE BELT.
OH, YOU SHOULDN'T HIT NOWHERE.
NO, MA. IT JUST MEANS
THAT YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED
TO TALK ABOUT ANYTHING
THAT YOUR PARTNER
IS SENSITIVE ABOUT.
LIKE, I'M NOT SUPPOSED
TO MENTION THE FACT
THAT I'M WORKING
TO SUPPORT MICHAEL.
UH, CAREFUL, GLORIA.
YOU KNOW, THAT I'M
THE BREADWINNER
AND HE'S THE FREELOADER.
GLORIA.
OH, MICHAEL, I'M JUST TELLING MA
WHAT I'M NOT
SUPPOSED TO CALL YOU.
WELL, I NEVER EVEN THINK OF
YOU AS A FREELOADER, HONEY.
SEE, MA, WE ALL
HAVE A WEAK SPOT.
LIKE IN GLORIA'S CASE,
IT'S HER EDUCATION.
WATCH IT, MICHAEL.
I'M NOT SUPPOSED
TO BRING UP THE FACT
THAT I'M A COLLEGE MAN
AND SHE'S ONLY A
HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATE.
OK!
I... I CAN'T SAY THINGS LIKE
THIS IS TOO COMPLICATED
FOR YOU, GLORIA.
THIS IS WAY OVER YOUR HEAD.
YOU'RE CUTTIN' IT CLOSE, STIVIC.
SO WHEN WE HAVE AN ARGUMENT,
WHEN WE HAVE AN ARGUMENT,
I HAVE TO USE SIMPLE WORDS
SO SHE CAN UNDERSTAND.
FOUL! FOUL!
THAT'S HITTING WAY
BELOW THE BELT!
WELL, WHAT ABOUT
FREELOADER, HUH?
DON'T YOU THINK FREELOADER
IS HITTIN' BELOW THE BELT?
I DON'T THINK I LIKE
THIS KIND OF FIGHTIN'.
ALL RIGHT. FREELOADER
WAS ROTTEN.
IT WAS ROTTEN.
ALL RIGHT, I'M SORRY.
BUT ARE YOU SORRY FOR
FALLING ASLEEP ON ME
LAST NIGHT WHILE I
WAS TALKING TO YOU?
YEAH, I'M SORRY.
YEAH?
YEAH.
I PROMISE I...
FROM NOW ON I'LL LISTEN
TO EVERY WORD YOU SAY.
I-I-I'LL NEVER SLEEP
WHEN I'M LISTENIN' TO YOU.
AS A MATTER OF FACT, IF
YOU TALK IN YOUR SLEEP,
I'LL WAKE UP TO LISTEN TO YOU.
OK?
OK.
OH, I LIKE THE WAY IT ENDS UP.
YOU SEE, MA?
AFTER MICHAEL AND
I HAVE A FAIR FIGHT,
WE'RE EVEN CLOSER
THAN WE USED TO BE.
AND IT'D WORK THE SAME
FOR YOU AND DADDY, TOO.
(Mike) YEAH, YEAH, MA, YOU
SEE, A MAN RESPECTS A WOMAN
WHO ISN'T ALWAYS BACKIN' DOWN.
I... I LOVE GLORIA MORE
BECAUSE SHE STANDS UP TO ME.
AND DADDY WILL FEEL
THE SAME WAY ABOUT YOU.
YOU'LL SEE.
JUST DON'T BE AFRAID TO
FIGHT FOR WHAT YOU WANT.
WHOOP-DEE-DOO, WHOOP-DEE-DOO.
WHOOP-DEE-DOO,
WAIT TILL YOU HEAR
WHAT HAPPENED TO ME
ON THE SUBWAY TODAY.
OH, THAT'S WONDERFUL.
OH, HOLD IT, HOLD IT, HOLD IT.
WHAT'S WONDERFUL?
WHATEVER HAPPENED.
HOW DO YOU KNOW WHAT
HAPPENED IS WONDERFUL
UNLESS I TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENED?
WHY COULDN'T YOU WAIT?
OH, I'M SORRY. WHAT HAPPENED?
I FOUND A $20 BILL. HA HA.
THAT'S WONDERFUL.
YEAH. AIN'T IT BETTER NOW
THAT YOU'VE WAITED, HUH? YEAH.
IT LOOKED DOWN ON THE
SUBWAY FLOOR, EDITH,
AND THERE IT WAS.
AND YOU PICKED IT UP.
NO, NO, I PUT MY FOOT ON IT
TILL IT WAS TIME TO
GET ON TO THE SUBWAY,
THEN I PICKED IT UP.
DIDN'T YOU ASK
NOBODY IF THEY LOST IT?
YOU NEVER TALK TO
STRANGERS ON THE SUBWAY.
ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU'RE
CARRYIN' THIS KIND OF DOUGH.
BUT I'M GLAD YOU'RE
FEELING SO GOOD
'CAUSE I'VE GOT
SOMETHIN' TO TELL YOU.
GO AHEAD.
REMEMBER THE LETTER
THAT YOU TOLD ME TO
WRITE TO MY COUSIN ESTELLE
TO TELL HER NOT TO COME?
YEAH, WHAT ABOUT IT?
I NEVER SENT IT.
EDITH, NO PROBLEM.
NO PROBLEM AT ALL.
TONIGHT I FEEL SO GOOD,
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA DO?
I'M GONNA GO INTO THE KITCHEN
AND GET MY OWN
BEER MYSELF FOR ME.
♪ WHOOP-DEE-DOO, WHOOP-DEE-DOO ♪
♪ DOO, DOO, DOO, DOO, DOO, DOO ♪
IT WORKED.
THERE'S SOMETHING'S WRONG HERE.
THE GUY WHO PUTS HIS FOOT
ON THE $20 BILL ON THE
SUBWAY, THAT'S ARCHIE.
BUT THAT NICE GUY WHO JUST
WHOOP-DEE-DOOED
HIMSELF INTO THE KITCHEN,
THAT'S SOMEBODY ELSE.
MAYBE HE DIDN'T HEAR ME.
I BETTER GO TELL HIM AGAIN.
NO, MA. WHY PUSH YOUR LUCK?
I MEAN, THAT GOOD MOOD HE'S
IN FROM FINDING THAT MONEY
COULD WEAR OFF AT ANY TIME.
YEAH, $20 DOESN'T GO
AS FAR AS IT USED TO.
I BETTER MAKE SURE.
MA.
ARCHIE, I THOUGHT YOU
CAME IN HERE TO GET A BEER.
YEAH, BUT I SEEN THIS FIRST.
OH, BUT THAT'S DESSERT.
YOU AIN'T HAD YOUR DINNER YET.
[mumbling]
ARCHIE, DID YOU HEAR
WHAT I SAID IN THERE
ABOUT COUSIN ESTELLE?
YEAH, YOU SAID YOU DIDN'T
SEND HER THAT LETTER.
WELL, FINE.
OH, I'M SO GLAD TO
HEAR YOU SAY THAT.
'CAUSE LETTERS CAN
GET LOST IN THE MAIL.
WHAT I THINK YOU OUGHT TO DO IS
GET ON A TELEPHONE TO PHILLY
AND TELL YOUR COUSIN
FATSO AND HER HUSBAND
THAT THEY CAN'T COME HERE.
I WAS WRONG, THAT'S ARCHIE.
WHAT DO I DO NOW?
NO GUNNYSACKING.
FAIR FIGHT!
DO IT!
ARCHIE.
YEAH?
I DON'T WANNA CALL PHILADELPHIA.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
JUST REVERSE THE CHARGES,
FATSO CAN AFFORD IT.
NO!
I MEAN, I REFUSE
TO CALL ESTELLE.
[Mike and Gloria clapping]
OH.
WHAT THE HELL IS GOIN' ON HERE?
YOU... YOU...
RUN 'EM WORDS
PAST ME ONCE AGAIN?
I AIN'T GONNA CALL ESTELLE
AND I AIN'T GONNA
WRITE HER, NEITHER.
MY MIND IS MADE UP. CASE CLOSED.
I'M THE ONLY ONE
THAT CLOSES CASES AROUND HERE.
NOW, DON'T BE
ACTIN' LIKE A DINGBAT.
OOH, FOUL. YOU JUST
HIT ME BELOW THE BELT.
I'M OVER HERE. I
NEVER COME NEAR YOU.
HOLD IT, HOLD IT,
HOLD IT, HOLD IT.
ARE THEM TWO PUTTIN' YOU
UP TO SOME KIND OF A GAG?
OH, NO, NO, ARCHIE.
I JUST THINK
THAT WE SHOULD
TRY SOMETHIN' NEW.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT?
I'M TALKIN' ABOUT
THE FAIR FIGHT WE'RE GONNA HAVE.
WE AIN'T GONNA HAVE NO FIGHT.
YEAH, WE ARE.
NO, WE AIN'T.
YES, WE ARE.
NO, WE AIN'T.
YES, WE ARE.
WHY ARE WE GONNA FIGHT?
SO WE CAN BE CLOSER THAN EVER.
AND... AND STAY HAPPILY MARRIED.
ARE YOU GOING THROUGH
THE CHANGE AGAIN?
[inaudible]
MARRIAGE IS SUPPOSED
TO BE A 2-WAY STREET.
WHAT WAS THAT?
MA HAS THE RIGHT
TO AIR HER FEELINGS.
SHE CAN HANG HER FEELINGS
ON A CLOTHESLINE FOR ALL I CARE.
I DON'T WANT HER FEELINGS
BRUNG TO THIS HERE TABLE.
ARCHIE, I... [exclaiming]
I DON'T WANNA HEAR NO
MORE ABOUT FAIR FIGHTS,
OR FOULS BELOW THE
BELT OR GUNNY BAGGIN'S.
GUNNYSACK.
WHATEVER, WHATEVER.
ARCHIE, GIVE ME ONE GOOD REASON
WHY YOU DON'T WANT
COUSIN ESTELLE VISITIN' US?
I'LL GIVE YOU 4 OF THEM.
SHE DYES HER HAIR, SHE
NEVER SHUTS HER BIG YAP,
AND SHE'S GOT A
REAR END LIKE A BUS.
YOU SAID 4.
SHE MARRIED A CREEP.
DADDY, RALPH HAPPENS TO BE
ONE OF THE BEST
VETERINARIANS IN PHILADELPHIA.
HE'S GOT FLEAS.
AND I DON'T WANT FLEAS
SLEEPIN' IN THIS HOUSE.
AND IF HE'S SUCH A
GREAT ANIMAL DOCTOR,
HOW COME HIS OFFICE IS RIGHT
NEXT DOOR TO THE ANIMAL CEMETERY?
ARCHIE,
THEY'RE INVITIN' US TO
PHILADELPHIA ALL THE TIME.
WELL, THEY GOT A BIG HOUSE
DOWN THERE IN PHILADELPHIA.
EDITH, THEY GOT A LOT OF
ROOM. WE AIN'T GOT NO ROOM.
THEY COME UP HERE TO STAY,
WHERE THE HELL THEY GONNA SLEEP?
WELL, THEY COULD USE OUR ROOM.
AH, GEE, YOU WOMEN,
WHERE ARE YOUS TWO GONNA SLEEP?
WE'LL SLEEP DOWN HERE
ON THE ROLLAWAY BED.
YEAH.
YOUS TWO SLEEPIN' ON WHEELS?
THAT LIVIN' ROOM WILL BE LIKE
THE INDIANAPOLIS SPEEDWAY.
THAT WAS GROSS.
I'M GLAD YOU ADMIT IT.
NOW SHUT UP.
MICHAEL?
JUST STAY OUT OF IT.
DON'T TELL HER WHAT TO DO.
SHE'S MY WIFE!
SHE WAS MY DAUGHTER
BEFORE SHE WAS YOUR WIFE.
YOU AIN'T SUPPOSED
TO FIGHT WITH THEM.
YOU'RE SUPPOSED
TO FIGHT WITH ME.
WHAT ARE WE FIGHTING FOR,
THE WORST DINGBAT TITLE?
YOU AIN'T SUPPOSED TO
CALL ME NAMES NEITHER.
AH. FAIR FIGHTIN', ARCHIE.
THAT'S RIGHT, MA.
AND YOU SHOULDN'T CALL
MY COUSIN NAMES, NEITHER.
I'M GETTIN' OUT OF HERE.
MIKE AND GLORIA ARE NICE...
WHERE ARE YOU GOIN'?
DON'T YOU WANT TO HEAR
MY SIDE OF THE STORY?
NO, I DO NOT.
AND FOR THE LAST TIME,
THIS HOUSE IS OFF LIMITS
TO COUSIN FATSO AND
HER HUSBAND, DOGFACE.
[phone ringing]
I'LL GET IT.
HE'S NOT GETTIN' OUT
OF THIS THING SO EASY.
ARCH, YOU CAN'T RUN
AWAY FROM A PROBLEM.
JEEZ, YOU'RE THE
BEST PROOF OF THAT.
THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE
DOING. YOU'RE HIDING.
YOU'RE ESCAPING INTO THE
SECURITY OF THE KITCHEN
LIKE A CHILD TRYING TO
RETURN TO THE WOMB.
NO SEX WHILE I'M EATIN' HERE.
WHY WON'T YOU
LISTEN TO MA'S SIDE?
SHE WANTS TO SAY THAT,
LET HER WRITE TO DEAR ABBY,
I'LL READ ABOUT
IT IN THE PAPERS.
YOU'RE AFRAID
SHE MIGHT BE RIGHT.
THAT'S IT, ARCH.
YOU CAN'T ACCEPT ANYTHING
NEW, LIKE FAIR FIGHTING.
YOU CAN'T TAKE CHANGE.
THERE'S A TECHNICAL
TERM FOR GUYS LIKE YOU.
THERE'S A TECHNICAL
TERM FOR GUYS LIKE YOU.
[sputters]
THAT'S YOUR ANSWER
TO EVERYTHING.
TOTAL INABILITY TO FACE REALITY,
SO YOU GIVE IT THE RASPBERRY.
YOU GOT A POINT.
[sputters]
YOU CAN'T RUN AWAY
FROM THE TRUTH, ARCH.
I WISH TO HELL YOU'D
RUN AWAY FROM HOME.
THAT CALL FOR ME?
NO, IT'S COUSIN ESTELLE.
OH, DON'T TELL ME
PHILADELPHIA FATS IS IN TOWN.
NO! SHE CALLED TO SAY
THAT THEY CAN'T
MAKE IT NEXT WEEK.
OH, GEE, WHAT A SHAME, EDITH?
TO WHAT DO WE OWE THIS,
MISFORTUNATE FLUKE OF LUCK?
RALPH GOT VERY BUSY.
HE HAD A LOT OF SICK
ANIMALS TO LOOK AFTER.
OH, THAT'S WHAT HE OUGHT TO DO.
STAY THERE, STAY THERE.
WHEN A DOG IS THROWIN' UP,
HE WANTS TO KNOW HIS
OWN DOCTOR'S IN TOWN.
IF ESTELLE CAN'T MAKE IT,
I GUESS YOU'RE OFF THE HOOK, MA.
SO FORGET IT.
THAT'S RIGHT, FORGET IT.
AND STOP STEAMIN' YOUR
MOTHER UP OVER NOTHIN'.
NOTHIN'?
THAT'S RIGHT. NOTHIN'.
OH, WHAT YOU THINK IS
NOTHIN' MAYBE SOMETHIN' TO ME.
JUST LIKE WHAT'S NOTHIN'
TO ME IS SOMETHIN' TO YOU.
ONLY, I WOULD NEVER SAY TO YOU
YOUR NOTHIN' IS NOTHIN',
BECAUSE IT'S SOMETHIN' TO YOU.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT
THE HELL YOU JUST SAID.
I JUST SAID THAT YOU
OUGHT TO RESPECT
MY FEELINGS SOMETIMES, ARCHIE.
I ALWAYS RESPECT YOUR FEELINGS.
NOW SIT THE HELL DOWN.
NO!
I AIN'T GONNA SIT DOWN
JUST 'CAUSE YOU
TELL ME TO SIT DOWN.
WELL, AS LONG AS YOU'RE
UP THERE ON YOUR FEET,
UH, WHAT WOULD YOU THINK
ABOUT GETTIN' ME A BEER?
NO. I AIN'T GONNA GET YOU A BEER
JUST 'CAUSE YOU TELL
ME TO GET YOU A BEER.
WELL, WHAT WOULD YOU
THINK ABOUT SHUTTIN' UP?
NO! I AIN'T GONNA SHUT UP.
I'VE GOT A RIGHT TO TALK
JUST LIKE ANYBODY ELSE.
NOW, LISTEN,
YOU'RE GONNA DO
WHAT I TELL YOU TO DO!
OR ELSE... OR ELSE, WHAT?
[gibbering]
I'LL GO TO KELSEY'S.
NO!
YEAH, I'LL GO TO KELSEY'S
NOW. NO, NO. YOU CAN'T.
LOOK AT HER, SHE'S CHARGIN' ME.
NO, YOU GOT TO STAY IN HERE.
YOU GOT TO FINISH THE FIGHT.
OH, NO. I'M GETTIN' AWAY
FROM YOU, EDITH. RIGHT NOW.
NO, YOU AIN'T. NO, YOU CAN'T.
OH, YES.
AND WHEN I COME
BACK FROM KELSEY'S,
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I'M GONNA DO.
I'M GONNA SLEEP
ON THE SOFA THERE.
NO, YOU AIN'T. YES, I AM.
NO, YOU AIN'T. YES, I AM!
NO, YOU AIN'T! YES! WHY AIN'T I?
BECAUSE I'M GONNA
SLEEP ON THE COUCH.
NO, YOU AIN'T.
YES, I AM!
OK, EDITH, YOU GOT A DEAL.
OH, ARCHIE.
YOU GOT A DEAL.
YOU GOT A DEAL. YOU GOT A DEAL.
MA. WHY DIDN'T YOU LET
DADDY SLEEP ON THE COUCH?
'CAUSE I WAS TRYIN'
TO STAND UP TO HIM,
LIKE YOU TOLD ME.
[sobbing]
OH. OH.
MA.
OH, OH, OH.
OH, I GUESS I BETTER GO UPSTAIRS
AND GET SOME
SHEETS AND A BLANKET.
[sobbing]
JEEZ, I DIDN'T MEAN TO
WAKE YOU UP THERE, EDITH.
I THOUGHT I'D COME DOWN
AND WATCH A LITTLE T.V.
T.V. AT THIS HOUR?
IT MUST BE AFTER MIDNIGHT.
OH, YEAH, IT IS.
BUT I SEE BY THE T.V. GUIDE
THEY'RE RUNNIN' A
TERRIFIC MOVIE TONIGHT.
OZZIE AND HARRIET IN
HERE COME THE NELSONS.
OH.
WILL IT KEEP YOU
AWAKE IF I WATCH IT?
OH, NO. I CAN SLEEP
THROUGH THAT ONE.
UNLESS YOU'D RATHER FIGHT.
WELL, YOU KNOW, I THOUGHT
ONE OF THEM FAIR FIGHTS,
IF IT'D MAKE YOU HAPPY.
THANK YOU, ARCHIE.
MAYBE IN THE MORNING.
WELL, I KIND OF THINK
THAT I KNOW WHAT
WOULD MAKE YOU HAPPY.
WHAT?
A SAUSAGE PIZZA.
A PIZZA?
YEAH, THERE'S A
NEW ALL-NIGHT JOINT
ABOUT 4 BLOCKS FROM HERE.
I SEEN THE DAGO THROWIN' THE
DOUGH AROUND IN THE WINDOW.
I GO UP THERE AND GET DRESSED,
AND I COULD GO OUT IN THE COLD
AND GET YOU ONE.
YOU KNOW, UNLESS
YOU FEEL LIKE, UH,
GETTIN' OUT OF THE COUCH
AND MAKIN' ME A
SANDWICH IN THE KITCHEN.
OH, GEE, I'D BE GLAD
TO FIX SOMETHING FOR
YOU IF YOU'RE HUNGRY.
YEAH, BUT I... I
WOULDN'T WANT TO, UH,
MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE A
SERVANT THERE, EDITH,
IF YOU'RE JUST MAKIN' ME A
SANDWICH LIKE A GOOD WIFE SHOULD.
I DON'T FEEL LIKE A SERVANT.
YEAH.
YEAH, WELL, I-I'LL TELL YOU
SOMETHIN' ELSE THERE, EDITH.
AS LONG AS WE'RE, YOU KNOW,
WHAT YOU CALL EQUAL PARTNERS,
UH, WHY DON'T YOU MAKE
US BOTH A SANDWICH?
OK?
OK.
OH, NAH. AIN'T THAT NICE?
WELL, MAYBE THERE'S
SOMETHIN' AFTER ALL
IN THIS FAIR FIGHTIN', HUH?
[laughing]
YOU GOT ANY BALONEY OUT THERE?
I'LL SEE. YEAH.
I'D RATHER HAVE THAT
THAN THAT PIZZA ANYWAY,
I'D PROBABLY BE TASTIN'
THE PIZZA TILL JULY.
UH-HUH. YEAH.
I WANNA TELL YOU, EDITH, I
WAS WRONG, WRONG, WRONG.
YOU'VE GOT A RIGHT
TO SEE YOUR RELATIONS
NO MATTER WHAT THEY LOOK LIKE.
OH, THANK YOU, ARCHIE.
AND I WANT YOU TO KNOW
I AIN'T SAYIN' THAT JUST
'CAUSE I KNOW THEY AIN'T COMIN'.
DO YOU REALLY MEAN THAT?
OH, I CERTAINLY DO.
OH, THAT'S WONDERFUL,
'CAUSE ESTELLE SAID
THEY COULD COME
WEEK AFTER NEXT.
ARE YOU KIDDIN'?
NO.
SO, I'LL GET ON THE
PHONE IN THE MORNING
AND TELL HER IT'S
OK, COME AHEAD.
YOU TRICKED ME, EDITH.
YOU TRICKED ME, EDITH.
YOU KNOW DAMN
WELL THAT I DON'T WANT
THAT REDHEAD HIPPO
AND HER FLEA-BITTEN
HUSBAND IN THIS HOUSE.
OH, THAT'S FOUL.
CALLIN' PEOPLE NAMES, IT'S FOUL.
FOUL! WHEN YOU'RE
FIGHTIN' A FREAKO FAMILY
FROM PHILLY, YOU
GOT A FIGHT FOUL.
BUT YOU WERE JUST SAYIN'... I'LL
TELL YOU WHAT YOU'RE GONNA DO.
YOU'RE GONNA GET
ON THAT TELEPHONE
AND YOU'RE GONNA TELL 'EM THAT
IF THEY GET ON
THAT TRAIN IN PHILLY,
I'M GONNA DERAIL THAT TRAIN
IN ELIZABETH, NEW JERSEY!
(male announcer) ALL IN THE
FAMILY WAS RECORDED ON TAPE
BEFORE A LIVE AUDIENCE.