All in the Family (1971–1979): Season 5, Episode 16 - Prisoner in the House - full transcript

♪ BOY, THE WAY
GLENN MILLER PLAYED ♪

♪ SONGS THAT MADE
THE HIT PARADE ♪

♪ GUYS LIKE US, WE HAD IT MADE ♪

♪ THOSE WERE THE DAYS ♪

♪ AND YOU KNEW
WHERE YOU WERE THEN ♪

♪ GIRLS WERE GIRLS
AND MEN WERE MEN ♪

(both) ♪ MISTER, WE
COULD USE A MAN ♪

♪ LIKE HERBERT HOOVER AGAIN ♪

♪ DIDN'T NEED NO
WELFARE STATES ♪

♪ EVERYBODY PULLED HIS WEIGHT ♪

(both) ♪ GEE, OUR OLD
LASALLE RAN GREAT ♪



♪ THOSE WERE ♪

♪ THE DAYS ♪

[metal clanging]

[hammer pounding]

[hammer pounding]
UM, MR. STRINSKI.

MR. STRINSKI!

OH, I'M SORRY!

IT'S OK, IT'S AN
OCCUPATIONAL HAZARD.

DO YOU THINK I CAN USE THE SINK?

NOT TILL TOMORROW.

OH!

WELL, YOU WANT TO DO
A GOOD JOB, DON'T YOU?

YOU DON'T WANT YOUR NEIGHBOR'S
DISHWASHER BACKING UP INTO YOUR SINK.

MY NEIGHBORS? YOU
MEAN THE JEFFERSONS?



YEAH, YOU DIDN'T KNOW THAT YOUR
PLUMBING WAS ON A PARTY LINE, DID YOU?

NO!

DON'T TELL ARCHIE.

I GOT SOME WATER FROM THE
BATHTUB FOR YOU, MRS. BUNKER, UH...

THANK YOU, MR. HOWARD. YEAH.

HEY, NICK. I'M GONNA GO UP
AND CHECK ON THE BATHROOM.

YOU WANT TO GET ALL
THIS JUNK TOGETHER?

RIGHT, MR. STRINSKI.

OH, I DON'T KNOW.

SOMETHIN' WRONG?

WELL, I AIN'T NEVER COOKED
DINNER WITH BATHTUB WATER BEFORE.

WHAT'S THE MATTER? AFRAID IT'LL
LEAVE A RING AROUND YOUR POT?

[laughing]

OH!

[laughing]

AH.

YOU KNOW SOMETHIN'?
WHEN I WAS A KID,

I USED TO WONDER, HOW
DOES THE WATER KNOW

IF IT'S SUPPOSED TO GO TO
THE KITCHEN OR THE BATHROOM?

HOW DOES IT KNOW?

MRS. BUNKER, YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL.

[chuckling] OH.

WOULD YOU LIKE SOME COFFEE?

YEAH, THANKS.

YOU KNOW, YOU... YOU SURE GOT A
COMFORTABLE-LOOKIN' HOME HERE, MRS. BUNKER.

THANK YOU.

"IT TAKES A HEAP O' LIVIN'
IN A HOUSE TO MAKE A HOME

"AND HEAPS O' SUN AND SHADOW
AND YOU SOMETIMES HAVE TO ROAM

"AFORE YOU REALLY 'PRECIATE
THE THINGS YOU LEFT BEHIND

"AND HUNGER FOR THEM SOMEHOW,

WITH THEM ALWAYS ON YOUR MIND"

(both) EDGAR A. GUEST.

YOU KNOW EDGAR GUEST!

YEAH! WELL, NOT PERSONALLY.

JUST HIS POETRY. OH.

AIN'T HE THE ONE THAT WROTE:

"WHAT IS SNOW BUT
GOD'S DANDRUFF?"

NO. NO, THAT WAS
NICK KENNY, YOU KNOW?

OH, I KNOW ALL THE GOOD POETS.

[chuckling]

YEAH, I'M A BIG READER.
I... I MUST READ ABOUT,

OH, 100 BOOKS A YEAR.

OH, MY! WHERE DO
YOU GET ALL THAT TIME?

UH, THE JUDGE GAVE IT TO ME.

THE JUDGE?

BUT DIDN'T STRINSKI
TELL YOU? I'M A CONVICT.

A CONVICT?

OH, MY!

WELL, WHAT ARE YOU DOIN' HERE?

I MEAN, WHY AIN'T
YOU HOME IN JAIL?

I... I'M AN... I'M AN
INMATE AT SING SING.

THEY GOT THIS WORK
FURLOUGH PROGRAM, YOU KNOW?

I WORK DURING THE DAY, AND THEN THEY
THROW ME BACK IN THE SLAMMER AT NIGHT.

BUT I THOUGHT STRINSKI TOLD YOU.

NO, HE DIDN'T.

THEN HE MUST HAVE
TOLD YOUR HUSBAND.

OH, NO.

I'M SURE HE DIDN'T TELL ARCHIE.

SIT DOWN AND HAVE SOME COOKIES.

NOT TOO MANY. I GOTTA
WATCH MY FIGURE.

OH, MY! A REAL PRISONER.

WELL, IF YOU LOVE
EDGAR A. GUEST,

YOU COULDN'T HAVE
DONE NOTHING TOO BAD.

WHAT DID YOU DO?

ARMED ROBBERY.

OH!

I TRIED TO HOLD UP A
PAWN SHOP WITH A TOY GUN.

HOW DID YOU GET CAUGHT?

THE PAWNBROKER HAD A REAL ONE.

AIN'T IT NICE THAT YOU'RE
LEARNIN' AN HONEST BUSINESS?

[chuckling] WAIT TILL YOU
GET THE PLUMBIN' BILL.

[laughing]

HEY, HEY, YOU LIKE CARD TRICKS?

OH, YEAH.

UH, LET ME SHOW
YOU MY FAST SHUFFLE.

ALL RIGHT.

THAT'S WONDERFUL!
HOW DID YOU DO THAT?

OH, IT'S EASY, EH? SIT DOWN,
SIT DOWN. I'LL SHOW YOU.

ALL RIGHT.

RIGHT. FIRST, TAKE THEM
IN YOUR RIGHT HAND.

OK. NO, NO, NO. THIS WAY. OK.

NOW HOLD UP YOUR OTHER
HAND TO CATCH 'EM, UH?

RIGHT, NOW SQUEEZE
'EM HARD AND... OH!

I SQUOZE TOO HARD.

[both laughing]

[door closing]

WE'RE HOME, MA.

OH, HI, I AM SO GLAD IT'S YOU.

[laughing] I WAS
AFRAID IT WAS ARCHIE.

WHAT'S THE MATTER, MA,
YOU GOT A MAN IN THE CLOSET?

NO, IN THE KITCHEN.

IT'S MR. HOWARD, THE
PLUMBER'S HELPER.

SO?

WELL, HE AIN'T JUST
A PLUMBER'S HELPER.

HE'S A PRISONER, TOO.

YOU'RE HOLDING A MAN
PRISONER IN THE KITCHEN?

NO.

W-W-WAIT A MINUTE,
MA. YOU MEAN THE GUY

WHO'S WORKING FOR
STRINSKI IS AN EX-CONVICT.

HE AIN'T AN EX-CONVICT,
HE'S A STILL-IS.

IN SING SING.

THEY LET HIM OUT DURING
THE DAY TO DO WORK.

OH, YEAH. I READ ABOUT THEM
DOIN' THAT WITH PRISONERS.

COME ON, I'LL INTRODUCE
YOU TO HIM. HE'S VERY NICE.

MR. HOWARD? (Nick) HUH?

I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY
DAUGHTER, GLORIA STIVIC.

AND THIS IS HER
HUSBAND, MIKE STIVIC.

GLAD TO MEET YOU.

(Gloria) HOW DO YOU DO? OH, HI.

NICE TO SEE YOU.
[chuckling] YEAH.

MR. HOWARD, I HOPE
YOU DON'T MIND,

BUT I TOLD THEM
WHERE YOUR HOME IS.

OH, YOU... WELL,
THAT'S OK, YOU KNOW.

BUT YOU BETTER EXCUSE ME IF SOMETIME
I... I SEEM A LITTLE UPTIGHT, YOU KNOW.

WHEN YOU'VE BEEN IN AND OUT OF
THE SLAMMER AS MANY TIMES AS I HAVE,

SOMETIMES YOU FEEL MORE
COMFORTABLE INSIDE THAN OUTSIDE.

THAT'S WHAT THE
PRISON SHRINK SAID.

THAT I KEPT GETTIN' CAUGHT BECAUSE
I... I WAS AFRAID OF THE OUTSIDE WORLD.

WELL, THERE AIN'T NOBODY
TO BE AFRAID OF HERE.

[door closing]
(Archie) HERE I AM.

THERE IS NOW.

EXCUSE ME.

MA! CAN IT. DUMMY UP.

ARCHIE, YOU'RE HOME EARLY!

LOUSY DAY.

OH, JEEZ, EDITH, I GOT A
BAD TOOTH OVER HERE!

DON'T COME AT ME
LIKE A BILLY GOAT!

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH IT?

AH, JEEZ, I LOST A FILLIN'
EATIN' A FIG NEWTON TODAY.

OH! DID YOU FIND IT?

HOW THE HELL COULD I
FIND IT? I SWALLOWED IT.

I SEE STRINSKI'S DIRTY
OLD TRUCK OUT THERE.

DID HE FINISH THE
PLUMBING JOB YET?

HE'LL BE FINISHED TOMORROW. HIS
HELPER'S IN THE KITCHEN NOW, CLEANIN' UP.

AW, PLUMBERS NEVER CLEAN UP.

JEEZ, I LOST A
FILLIN' FOR LUNCH,

I'LL PROBABLY GET SANI-FLUSH
IN THE SOUP TONIGHT.

AH, LOOK AT THIS
BEAUTIFUL SIGHT.

(Archie) DEEP INTO THE BOX.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST HOP
IN THERE, SHUT THE DOOR,

AND SAVE WEAR AND
TEAR ON THE LIGHT BULB?

MR. HOWARD, WHEN
YOU GO HOME TONIGHT,

YOU THINK YOU CAN
TAKE HIM WITH YOU?

THIS IS MY HUSBAND. MR. HOWARD.

HI, MR. BUNKER.

AH, HOW YOU DOING
THERE, PLUMBER?

UH, WHAT DO YOU CLEAN
UP PRETTY GOOD HERE, HUH?

GEE, YOU BEEN IN THE
PLUMBIN' RACKET A LONG TIME?

WELL, ACTUALLY... NO,
HE WAS IN TOY WEAPONS.

WELL, LET'S SEE. DID YOU GET US
ANY WATER PRESSURE OVER HERE?

OH, I'M SORRY. I HAD TO
SHUT IT OFF UNTIL TOMORROW.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN? WE
AIN'T GOT NO WATER HERE?

WE CAN USE THE WATER
IN THE BUCKET, ARCHIE.

MR. HOWARD BROUGHT
IT FROM THE BATHROOM.

WATER FROM THE BATHROOM?
TO HELL WITH THAT, OUT IT GOES!

OH, NO, NO, NO! I NEEDED WATER,
ARCHIE TO COOK DINNER WITH.

OH, YOU AIN'T COOKING MY DINNER
IN THAT KIND OF WATER, EDITH.

IF BATHROOM WATER WAS SUPPOSED
TO BE USED FOR COOKING, EDITH,

YOUR KITCHEN'D BE
UP IN YOUR TOILET.

CAN'T YOU SEE THAT?

(Strinski) HEY,
NICK, QUITTIN' TIME.

HEY, STRINSKI, HOLD
IT! HOLD IT THERE.

WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE.

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO,
LEAVE BEFORE THE JOB IS FINISHED?

WE AIN'T GOT NO WATER HERE.

I'M SORRY, ARCH, BUT, UH, WE'LL
BE BACK EARLY IN THE MORNING.

I GOTTA GET NICK BACK ON
TIME, OR I'LL BE IN TROUBLE.

WAIT A MINUTE, WHAT...
WHAT IS THIS? WHAT TROUBLE?

WHAT TROUBLE?

DON'T ANSWER MY QUESTION
WITH MY SAME QUESTION.

WHAT TROUBLE? WHAT IS IT?

MA, WHY CAN'T YOU TELL HIM?

MR. HOWARD IS ON A WORK
FURLOUGH FROM SING SING.

SING SING?

IT'S PERFECTLY
LEGITIMATE, DADDY.

SING SING IS LEGITIMATE?

SING SING... WE GOT A
PLUMBER HERE FROM SING SING?

YEAH, ONLY PART-TIME, ARCHIE.

HE WORKS DAYS, AND THEN HE
GOES HOME TO THE SLAMMER AT NIGHT.

THAT'S THE SAME PLACE JIMMY
CAGNEY USED TO CALL "THE BIG HOUSE."

AH!

WHAT IS THIS, WE GOT A
KILLER FOR A PLUMBER HERE?

NO, JUST AN ARMED ROBBER.

JUST AN ARMED ROBBER.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT BEING SENT
UP FOR ARMED ROBBERY MEANS?

IT MEANS HE WASN'T
VERY GOOD AT IT.

SHUT UP, YOU!

ARCH, IT'S JUST PART OF A
NEW REHABILITATION PROGRAM.

WHAT ARE YOU TELLING ME? WITH GUYS
BREAKING INTO YOUR HOMES AT NIGHT,

NOW THEY'RE GONNA LET CONS OUT
TO MAKE HOUSE CALLS IN THE DAYTIME?

OH, NO, NO, NO. I'LL PUT A
STOP TO THIS RIGHT NOW.

ARCHIE, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?

I'M GONNA CALL
UP STRINSKI'S SHOP.

I'M GONNA LEAVE WORD I DON'T WANT
A CONVICT WORKIN' AROUND HERE.

OH, NO, ARCHIE,
PLEASE DON'T DO THAT.

THEY MAY NOT LET HIM OUT AGAIN.
OH, I'M GONNA MAKE THIS CALL.

OH... OH, PUT THAT PHONE DOWN.

I AM GONNA MAKE THE CALL.
PUT... PUT THE PHONE DOWN!

I AM GONNA MAKE THE CALL.
PUT THE PHONE DOWN, DAMN IT!

IN FRONT OF THE KIDS?

[grunting]

[sighing]

ARCHIE, WHERE ARE YOU?

[toilet flushing]

OH.

(Edith) ARCHIE.

IS EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT?
DO YOU FEEL ALL RIGHT?

NO! I HAD A BAD DREAM.

OH, YOU WANNA TELL ME ABOUT IT?

YEAH, YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED?

I DREAMED I HAD TO GO UP TO GO
TO THE JOHN, AND IT WAS MISSIN'.

IT SCARED ME SO
BAD, I WOKE MYSELF UP.

THEN I FIGURED, I'D BETTER
GO IN AND CHECK HERE.

AND WAS IT STILL THERE?
YEAH, IT WAS THERE.

SO I FIGURED, WELL, AS
LONG AS I'M IN THERE ANYWAY.

THAT WAS A FUNNY DREAM.

WHAT THE HELL
WAS FUNNY ABOUT IT?

IT'S YOUR FAULT FOR
NOT LETTING ME CALL UP

AND STOP THAT CONVICT
FROM COMING HERE.

OH, ARCHIE, MR. HOWARD
WOULDN'T HURT NOBODY.

[groan] HE HAS A
NICE, GENTLE FACE.

OH, JEEZ, SO DID
"BABY FACE" NELSON,

SO DID "PRETTY BOY" FLOYD,

SO DID TONY CURTIS.

TONY CURTIS?

YEAH, DON'T YOU REMEMBER TONY
CURTIS IN THE BOSTON STRANGLER?

HE USED TO GO AROUND RINGING
LADIES' DOOR BELLS, THERE.

AND OF COURSE, THEY
ALL OPENED THE DOOR,

BECAUSE WHO'S GONNA SLAM
A DOOR IN TONY CURTIS' FACE?

OH, NO, THEY'D GIVE HIM
A BIG SMILE, LET HIM IN.

10 MINUTES LATER, THEY'D
GIVE HIM A BIGGER SMILE,

RIGHT ACROSS THE THROAT.

I WAS TALKING TO THE BOYS
DOWN AT KELSEY'S ABOUT IT, EDITH.

THEY ALL SAY THE SAME THING:

THEY ALL SAY THEY WOULD NOT HAVE

A DANGEROUS CRIMINAL
WORKING IN THEIR HOUSE.

MR. HOWARD AIN'T DANGEROUS.

IF HE WAS DANGEROUS,

SING SING WOULDN'T LET
HIM OUT DAYS TO WORK.

AH, SING SING HADN'T
OUGHT TO LET HIM OUT AT ALL.

GUY WANTS TO GET OUT OF THE
PEN BEFORE SERVING HIS TIME,

WELL, LET HIM ESCAPE
LIKE OTHER GUYS.

JEEZ, EDITH, WHEN YOU THINK
OF IT, YOU KNOW, ARMED ROBBERY.

YEAH, BUT HE ONLY
USED A TOY GUN.

OH, OH, OH, OH, OH. IS
THAT WHAT HE TOLD YOU?

YEAH. [scoffing]

AND HE SHOWED ME
A CARD TRICK, TOO.

I'LL DO IT FOR YOU.

AH, JEEZ. SHE'S GONNA DO ME A
CARD TRICK AT 2:00 IN THE MORNING.

YEAH, I BEEN
PRACTICING. [moaning]

NOW WATCH.

WHAT ELSE CAN I DO?

[exclaiming]

SORRY.

BOY, EDITH, THAT WAS SLICK.

ARCH, THESE PROGRAMS GIVE GUYS LIKE
NICK A CHANCE TO BECOME USEFUL CITIZENS.

YEAH, YEAH, I KNOW
ALL ABOUT THAT.

AND THE GUY'S PROBABLY STICKING
UP A BANK ON HIS WAY HERE NOW.

HE CAN'T. THEY AIN'T OPEN YET.

ARCH, WE GOTTA HELP NICK. OTHERWISE,
HE'S JUST GONNA GO ON ROBBIN'.

I CAN TELL YOU HOW TO KEEP
SOME OF THESE GUYS FROM ROBBIN'.

OH YEAH. THIS I
GOTTA HEAR. GO AHEAD.

WELL, ALL RIGHT. FOR
ONE THING, TAKE A BANK.

YOU KNOW IN BEHIND THE
TELLER'S CAGE, THERE?

THE GIRL OUGHT TO HAVE A
BUTTON ON THE FLOOR, SEE.

SO WHEN A GUNMAN
COMES UP WITH A GUN,

HE STICKS IT THERE,

SHE TAPS THAT BUTTON
THERE, A TRAP DOOR OPENS,

THE CROOK GOES
RIGHT DOWN THE SHOOT

AND SLIDES RIGHT TO THE
NEAREST POLICE STATION.

THAT'S BRILLIANT.

YOU KNOW, I THOUGHT YOU WERE
GONNA COME UP WITH SOMETHIN' STUPID.

I FOOLED YOU, HUH?

I GOT SOMETHIN'
JUST AS GOOD AS THAT.

WAIT TILL YOU HEAR THIS.

SHOULD I BE WRITIN' THIS DOWN?

NO, IT'S SHORT. YOU
CAN REMEMBER IT.

YOU KNOW INSIDE THE BANK,
IN THE UPPER PART THERE,

WHAT THEY CALL A
MEZZERINE, THERE? YEAH.

ALL RIGHT, YOU PUT 3 SHARP SHOOTERS
RIGHT THERE, IN THE MEZZERINE.

WHEN A CROOK GOES UP TO THE
TELLER'S CAGE AND TAKES OUT HIS GUN,

THE 3 SHARP SHOOTERS
UP THERE, THEY BLAST HIM.

ARCH,

WHAT IF ONE OF THE SHARP
SHOOTERS ACCIDENTALLY HITS

A LITTLE OLD LADY,
STANDING BEHIND THE CROOK?

WELL, SO WHAT? THE OTHER 2 SHARP
SHOOTERS AIN'T GONNA MISS THE CROOK.

I WONDER WHAT'S KEEPING GLORIA.

SHE'LL BE LATE FOR WORK.

OH, SHE'S NOT GOING TO WORK
TODAY, MA. SHE'S GOT A LITTLE COLD.

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHIN', YOUR DAUGHTER
NEVER HAD NO COLDS BEFORE SHE GOT MARRIED.

WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

IT MEANS, THAT
WHEN SHE WAS SINGLE,

SHE ALWAYS WORE
SOMETHIN' TO BED.

YOU KNOW, THAT'S THE KIND OF
REMARK I'D EXPECT FROM A GUY

WHO WANTS TO SLIDE
CROOKS UNDER THE CITY.

I'M GONNA TAKE
THIS UP TO GLORIA.

OH, THAT'S NICE, MIKE.

ALL RIGHT, I GOTTA
GO TO WORK, EDITH.

NOW, REMEMBER, WHEN THAT
BOSS PLUMBER STRINSKI GETS HERE,

I WANT HIM TO STICK
AROUND AT ALL TIMES

WHILE THE CONVICT IS WORKING HERE
IN THE HOUSE, HUH? ALL RIGHT, ARCHIE.

REMEMBER THAT, NOW.

NOW, HERE'S YOUR
LUNCH. HAVE A NICE DAY.

YEAH, OH, EASY,
EASY, ON THIS SIDE.

ALL RIGHT. OK, REMEMBER NOW, YOU KEEP
YOUR DISTANCE, UH? KEEP YOUR DISTANCE.

YEAH, I WILL. HERE.

[chuckling] GOOD
MORNING, MR. BUNKER.

OH, GOOD MORNING THERE.
WHERE'S THE WARDEN?

I MEAN, UH, WHERE'S
STRINSKI, THE BOSS?

AH, HE'LL BE BY
LATER. CAN I COME IN?

OH, YEAH, YEAH. COME
ON IN, COME ON IN.

UH, HOW MUCH LATER?

GOOD MORNING, MR. HOWARD.

WOULD YOU LIKE SOME
BREAKFAST? [exclaiming]

NO, I THINK I'D BETTER
GET RIGHT TO WORK.

WELL, HOW ABOUT SOME...

I TOLD YOU, KEEP YOUR
DISTANCE FROM THE MAN.

THEY DON'T HAVE GIRLS
UP THERE IN SING SING.

A WOMAN GOES SLITHERING BY A
GUY LIKE THAT, HE'D GO BERSERK.

WELL, SEE YOU LATER.

(Edith) GOODBYE, MIKE.

WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE.
WHERE ARE YOU GOIN', MEATHEAD?

I GOT AN EARLY CLASS.
I'M GOING TO SCHOOL.

WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE.
WHAT ABOUT YOUR WIFE?

SHE'LL BE ALL RIGHT. SHE'S
JUST GOT A LITTLE HEAD COLD.

WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE.

A HEAD COLD NEVER
STOPPED A SEX PREVERT.

NO, THAT'S TRUE.

NOT IF HE REALLY LOVES THE GIRL.

BUT I STILL GOTTA GO TO SCHOOL.

WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT A MINUTE.

I WASN'T TALKING ABOUT
YOU, YOU DOPE, YOU.

I WAS TALKING ABOUT
THE WOMEN, THERE

AND THE CONVICT IN THE KITCHEN.

IN THE KITCHEN ALONE WITH EDITH,

AND I DON'T HEAR ANY BREATHING.

HEY, EDITH, EDITH.

OH, ARCHIE, ARE YOU STILL HERE?

EDITH.

[inaudible]

DISTANCE.

I WANT YOU TO CALL THE PLANT
ON THE PHONE, RIGHT AWAY.

TELL 'EM I AIN'T
COMIN' IN FOR WORK.

TELL 'EM THIS TOOTH IS
FLASHIN' UP ON ME AGAIN.

OH, YEAH, ALL RIGHT.
AS SOON AS I GET BACK.

WHERE YOU GOIN'?

I'M GOIN' OVER TO LOUISE'S, TO
BORROW SOME ASPIRIN FOR GLORIA'S COLD

AND FOR YOUR TOOTH. I'LL
BE RIGHT BACK. YEAH. OH.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. HURRY UP.

OH, YOU OUGHT TO SEE A DENTIST
ABOUT THAT TOOTH, MR. BUNKER.

OH, NO. I'LL BE ALL RIGHT.

I DON'T THINK I WANNA GO TO WORK,
ANYWAY. I THINK I'LL STAY HOME.

MAYBE I'LL USE MY TIME TO,
UH, INSPECT AND CLEAN MY GUNS.

OH, YOU'RE A GUN
COLLECTOR, MR. BUNKER?

WELL, I GOT A
COUPLE OF SOUVENIRS,

UH, I TOOK OFF THE
KRAUTS IN THE WAR.

YOU KNOW, W.W.II, THE BIG ONE.

I GOT A .45 CALIBER
GERMAN SCHMAUSER, THERE.

AND, UH, OVER HERE, I GOT A
.38 CALIBER GERMAN FLUGEL

WITH A TELEPHONIC SIGHT.

I SHOT A GERMAN COLONEL
IN THE BUTT WITH THAT.

WELL, YOU MUST HAVE
SEEN PLENTY ACTION.

[stammering] WHERE YOU GOIN'?

UPSTAIRS. I GOTTA
WORK ON THE BATHROOM.

AH, W-W-W-WAIT A MINUTE,
THERE. WAIT A MINUTE, NOW.

I... I WOULDN'T WANT
YOU TO DO THAT BECAUSE,

UH, MY DAUGHTER IS UP
THERE, TAKING A SHOWER.

SHE AIN'T GONNA GET VERY
WET. I TURNED OFF THE WATER.

YEAH, WELL, WAIT.
NOW, WAIT A MINUTE.

NO, WHAT I MEAN
TO SAY IS THAT, UH,

UH, SHE'S TAKIN' A NAP UP THERE,

AND I-I-I WOULDN'T WANT THE
WORK, YOU KNOW, TO WAKE HER UP.

SO, WHY DON'T YOU DO SOMETHIN'
ELSE, LIKE, YOU COULD TAKE

MAYBE A WALK AROUND THE BLOCK
UNTIL STRINSKI THE BOSS GETS HERE.

MR. BUNKER, IF YOU'RE WORRIED ABOUT
ME BEING UPSTAIRS WITH YOUR DAUGHTER...

YEAH, WELL, WELL, I AM.

I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT.

THAT'S WHY I GET SO UPTIGHT
BEING ON THE OUTSIDE.

HOLD ON, HOLD ON.
H-H-HOLD IT, NICK. WHAT?

YOU NEVER WANNA EXPRESS YOUR
OPINIONS WITH A MONKEY WRENCH.

[doorbell ringing]

THERE'S THE BELL. I
THINK I'LL ANSWER IT, OK?

SURE. YEAH, NOW, DON'T
GET UPTIGHT ABOUT NOTHIN'.

DON'T GET UPTIGHT, NICK.

NO, I'LL... I'LL... I'LL JUST, UH,
ANSWER THE BELL, OVER HERE, EH?

(Archie) YEAH.

STRINSKI, IT'S ABOUT
TIME. GET IN HERE.

THANKS A LOT, ARCH.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT?

FOR POPPING OFF AT
KELSEY'S LAST NIGHT.

HUH? YOU TOLD THE GUYS I
WAS HIRIN' HELP FROM THE MAFIA?

FROM THE MAFIA?

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
I NEVER SAID ANYTHING TO...

I TOLD EVERYBODY THAT YOU
GIVE A JOB TO AN ARMED ROBBER.

I NEVER SAID NOTHIN'
ABOUT THE MAFIA.

ALL I KNOW IS BARNEY
HEFNER CALLED ME.

HE SAID HE DON'T WANT NO KILLERS
WORKIN' ON HIS WATER HEATER.

OH, BARNEY HEFNER, JEEZ.

FEW MORE REMARKS LIKE THAT,
I'M GONNA BE OUT OF BUSINESS.

NOW, LOOK, MR. STRINSKI, YOU
KNOW, IF IT'S GONNA BE A PROBLEM,

MAYBE I BETTER NOT GO
WITH YOU ON THAT HEFNER JOB.

THAT'S RIGHT. I'LL
HANDLE THAT MYSELF.

MR. STRINSKI, UH, WHAT
ABOUT THE JOB AFTER THAT?

WELL, TO TELL YOU
THE TRUTH, NICK,

AFTER TODAY, I DON'T THINK
I CAN USE YOU ANYMORE.

I WONDER WHY I AIN'T SURPRISED?

LOOK, NICK, I GOT A PLUMBER
FRIEND OF MINE UP IN THE EAST BRONX.

HE'S ALWAYS LOOKING FOR...
HOLD IT, HOLD IT, HOLD IT.

IF I MAY JUST PUT IN
A WORD THERE, NICK.

I WOULDN'T TAKE NO
JOBS UP IN THE EAST BRONX

'CAUSE THERE'S A STRONG
CRIMINAL ELEMENT UP THERE.

WILL YOU KNOCK IT OFF? IT'S
YOUR FAULT TO START WITH.

WHAT? NO, IT'S NOT
HIS FAULT. IT'S MY FAULT.

YOU KNOW, I SHOULD
HAVE KNOWN BETTER,

THAN TO EVER LET THEM TALK ME INTO
THIS COCKAMAMIE FURLOUGH SCHEME.

I THINK I'M GONNA GIVE UP
PLUMBIN' UNTIL THEY START

REHABILITATIN' YOU
PEOPLE ON THE OUTSIDE.

OH, NO, MR. HOWARD.
YOU MUSTN'T GIVE UP.

REMEMBER: "FAILURE
COMES FROM THE INSIDE FIRST

"IT'S THERE IF WE ONLY KNEW IT

"AND YOU CAN WIN, THOUGH
YOU FACE THE WORST

IF YOU FEEL THAT YOU'RE
GONNA DO IT" EDGAR A. GUEST.

THEM ARE ONLY
WORDS, MRS. BUNKER.

OH, BUT THEY SAY A LOT.

NICK, YOU WOULDN'T WANNA
LET DOWN EDGAR A. GUEST.

WHO THE HELL IS HE,
ANOTHER PLUMBER?

I WOULDN'T WANT TO LET
YOU DOWN, MRS. BUNKER.

IF I CAN RUN INTO ONE PERSON
LIKE YOU, ONE DAY OUT OF 30,

MAYBE I CAN STAND THE
OTHER 29 ON THE OUTSIDE.

GIVE ME THAT WRENCH, HUH?

I GOTTA FINISH MY JOB.

HEY, WHAT ARE YOU
STANDIN' HERE FOR?

AIN'T YOU GOIN' UP
THERE WITH HIM?

WHAT FOR? HE CAN HANDLE THE JOB.

I GOT SOME BUSINESS TO TAKE
CARE OF DOWN THE STREET.

WHAT BUSINESS YOU
GOT DOWN THE STREET?

BARNEY HEFNER, I
GOTTA COOL HIM DOWN.

AH, LOOK AT THIS, OUT
THE DOOR WITH HIM.

I NEVER SAW A SITUATION LIKE...

AH, WHAT ARE YOU
DOIN' WITH THE CARDS?

WATCH.

THAT SHOWS YOU
MR. HOWARD IS A GOOD PERSON

AND A GOOD TEACHER.

LET ME SEE THE CARDS.

GIVE ME THE CARDS.

LET ME SHOW YOU HOW TO DO IT.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO SHOW ME NOTHIN'.

I SEEN HOW TO DO IT.

HOLD THE CARDS, YOU BEND
'EM IN THERE, RIGHT? YEAH.

GET YOUR HAND READY THERE.

AND YOU...

YOU MOVED.

ARCHIE, DON'T FEEL BAD.

UNLUCKY IN CARDS, LUCKY IN LOVE.

[yells]

YOU GOT ME IN THE TOOTH, AGAIN!

(male announcer) ALL IN THE
FAMILY WAS RECORDED ON TAPE

BEFORE A LIVE AUDIENCE.