All in the Family (1971–1979): Season 5, Episode 14 - Mike's Friend - full transcript

? Boy, the way Glenn Miller played ?

? songs that made the hit parade ?

? guys like us, we had it made ?

? those were the days

? and you knew where you were then ?

? girls were girls and men were men ?

(Both) ? mister, we could use a man

? like Herbert hoover again

? didn't need no welfare states ?

? everybody pulled his weight ?

(Both) ? gee, our old lasalle ran great ?



? those were

? the days

? [humming]

Oh, my! I just saw the
saddest thing on T.V.

What was it, ma? New comedy show?

Oh, no, it was a drama.

All about a young couple

whose car gets stuck in the desert,
and they're dyin' of thirst.

Yeah? What happened to 'em?

Well, in the beginning you
see this young couple

packing up to take an automobile trip

way across the country.

And they get in the car,

and they start off, and
then there's a commercial.



And in the commercial there's
a couple, only they're older

and they are takin' a trip, too.

But then their trip is
across the ocean-- ma!

Ma, ma, ma, m-Michael's friend
Stuart is gonna be here pretty soon,

and I'm really in kind of a hurry

so why don't you start from the end?

Oh. All right.

Since they're runnin' out of water

the husband walks off
into the desert at night

so his wife can have
another day to get saved.

Which she does get.

Saved? Yeah.

Ah, and do they find the husband? Yeah.

Ah, good.

He was dead.

It ain't many husbands

who would give up his life
so his wife can live.

Ma,

do you think Michael would die for me?

Oh, sure, Mike is very thoughtful.

Hi, ma. (Edith) Hi.

Hi, honey. Hi, honey.

Mmm, good stuff.

Tell your friends where you got it.

[Laughs]

Got any stuff in the
refrigerator for sandwiches?

I had a late class, I
didn't get a chance to eat.

Mike, I'll fix you something.

No, that's all right, ma. I'll do it.

I better hurry, though. Stuart
will be here any minute.

Stuart is very smart, ain't he?

What is he studying to be?

Uh, doctor of philosophy.

Oh, yeah.

That's one of them doctors that
don't give prescriptions, right?

Yeah, tha-that's right, ma.

He's really got some mind.

He's got one of those rare brains

you don't come across too often.

Mmm, is he as smart as you?

Yeah, I'd put him in my class.

I'm glad your friend Stuart
can make it over tonight.

Be nice to have some company.

Yeah, be nice to sit around
and have a conversation

with somebody who has a real intellect.

Oh, my! It's gonna be just
like the merv Griffin show.

Oh, no, Mike. Those nuts
and raisins are for later

when you're playin' chess.

Oh, you can eat that one now.

Just think, 2 college boys.

Oh, the house is gonna be
full of brains tonight.

Michael.

Yeah.

Do you love me?

Yeah.

Would you give up your life for me?

Right after I finish this sandwich.

No, honey. Ma saw this movie on T.V.

It takes place in this desert,

where this husband gives up his
life so his wife can live,

and I was just wondering if
you would do the same for me.

Sure, honey. If we're ever in the Sahara
desert together, you got my life.

We got any pickles?

Michael, I'm serious.

Yeah, we got some.

I mean, I-I-if we were
stranded in the desert

and we had just enough water for
one of us, what would you do?

I'd flip you for it.

Oh, honey, what do you want from me?

That's a very tough question to answer.

Not many people know how they'd
react in a life-or-death situation.

Ok, forget the desert.

Let's say we're out in the ocean

and there's this shark coming at us.

Would you swim in front
of his teeth to save me?

How big is the shark?

Oh, he's-- he's big, he's very big.

He's a man-eating shark.

Well, then, maybe you should
swim in front of it to save me.

Why?

'Cause it's a man-eating shark.

You didn't say woman-eating shark.

I'm just trying to find out
how much you care for me.

I care for you, honey. I care for you.

If you care for me, you'll let me finish

this sandwich before Stuart gets here.

Michael! What are you doing?
What are you doing?

Michael, we are lost in the mountains.

Now we're in the mountains.

This is our only food.

Our only chance for survival.

Would you give me this sandwich?

I wouldn't have to. You'd take it from me.

Would you give me the sandwich back? No!

Oh, come on, don't run around.

Mike, no! I want a
straight answer from you.

Honey, wait, that's my dinner.
Will you quit foolin' around?

Michael, I just want to hear you say
you'd give up your life for me.

Would you say it? Give me the sandwich.

[Screaming] Ma! Give me that sandwich!

Just say the words. Just say
you'd lay down your life for me.

It's ridiculous. How did we
get into this conversation.

Oh, say the words, Michael. Say the words.

All right. All right.

I'd lay down my life for you.

You would? Yes!

I'd give you the food. I'd
give you the water...

Oh, what about the shark?

I'd give you the shark.

I didn't mean that. I--I--I
meant I'd let the shark eat me.

All right, you happy?

Can I have my sandwich back please?

Yeah, here.

That's nice. That's real nice.

Oh, Mike, I'll fix you another sandwich.

[Doorbell ringing]

Oh, I'll get it.

It's probably Stuart.

Oh.

Hi. I'm Stuart Henderson.

Oh, yeah, Mike's friend. How do you do?

Sorry, I didn't mean to
interrupt your, uh, dinner?

Oh, no. This ain't my dinner. It's Mike's.

Well, come on in.

Hey, how are you doing, Stuart.
Nice to see you.

Hey, Mike, how are you? Good to see you.

Excuse me. I'll get the coffee.

Oh, thanks, ma. Uh, that's my mother-in-law,
and, uh, this is my wife, Gloria.

Stuart Henderson. Hi, Gloria, how are you?

Hi, Stuart. Stuart, why
don't we sit over here?

I've got the chess set out. We can--

hey, Gloria, listen. I don't
mean to embarrass you,

but, uh, you know, you're every bit as
beautiful as Michael said you were.

Oh, please. Embarrass me.

Stuart, remember in our
philo 500 class last week

somebody brought up the
question, "what is beauty?"

You mean whether the answer

is to be found in psychology or philosophy?

Right. And that guy agreed with santayana

that beauty is pleasure objectified,

but I don't know, I like what spinoza said:

"Beauty is anything that meets the
fundamental needs of our nature."

When I was 14, I thought the
Beatles' hair was beautiful.

Now, listen, a lot of
people think-- oh, yeah?

Uh, honey, honey, why don't
you go in the kitchen

and see if ma needs any help with
the coffee and cookies, huh?

Ok, Michael. Yeah, thanks a lot.

Hey, sit--sit down over here, Stuart.

Need any help, ma?

No, thanks.

Is anything wrong?

Oh, I don't know. We were just
talking about how beautiful I am

and then suddenly I got kicked out.

Oh, well, maybe they're just
2 college boys talking.

You remember what Mike said?

He likes to talk to
somebody real intelligent.

Oh, that's not what he said, ma.

Better not be.

Stuart, you have to admit

that the sense of hearing does have
some aesthetic value for animals.

Havelock Ellis wrote about a--a
tiger who was pacified by a violin.

Yeah, but only for certain sounds.

You know, that same tiger was
infuriated by the sound of a piccolo.

That's right. That's right. I guess, yeah.

It's-- it's the softer,
sweeter sounds they go for.

Like violins or flutes. Yeah.

A-a-and I guess that's why they say:

"Music hath charms to
soothe savage beast," huh?

Uh, breast.

Huh?

Breast.

Oh.

"Music hath charms to
soothe the savage breast."

Not beast. Oh.

Lot of people make that mistake.

Uh, lets see. The exact quote is:

"Music hath charms to
soothe the savage breast,

"to soften rocks,

or bend a knotted tree."

Oak.

Huh?

"Bend a knotted oak."

A lot of people make that mistake, Michael.

Let's play chess, huh?

Listen, uh,

why don't we do something
we can all do, huh?

Yeah, why don't we play charades? Great.

No, no, no, I don't want to play charades.

Uh, honey, you know, Stuart
and I would love some coffee.

If it's ready, could you
go get us some, please?

Uh,

ok, Michael.

Yeah, thank you very much, dear.

He did it again, ma.

Did what?

Sent me out of the room.

Why?

Because I didn't say breast.

If they're talkin' about things like that--

oh, no, ma. It's just that Michael's

tryin' to hog the whole
evening, that's all.

Oh, Gloria.

Stuart is one of Mike's best friends.

Well, I'm one of his best wives.

And I don't like being sent out of
the room every time I open my mouth.

Well, there ain't nothin' wrong
in bein' a good listener.

Archie says that's what makes a good wife.

I don't wanna be that kind of wife.

There are 2 ways of studying man.

One starts with the environment
and deals with man

as a mechanism of adjustment.

Coffee's on.

Yeah, thank you.

Uh, of course this theory reduces thoughts,

to things in mind to matter.

Uh, Mike. Look, uh, Gloria
said something about

playing charades. How about it, huh?

No, no, no. I don't want to play charades.

Yeah. I'll start.

No, no, no, no.

Come on, come on. Just a couple.

All right, just one. We'll play one
charade and that's it, all right?

Ok, uh...

Uh, movie. It's a movie.

4 words. 4 words.

You're gonna do the whole thing.

You're gonna do the whole thing.

[Blowing]

"Whistling." "Whistling."

"Blowing." "Blowing. Blowing."

[Whooshing]

"Blowing, blowing..."

She left the room.

Did he kick you out again?

No, ma. Charades.

Oh.

Uh, "gone with the wind." (Gloria) Right.

"Gone with the wind."

Yeah. Hey, that's great. Terrific, Gloria.

Really terrific. I wonder what Freud
would have said about charades.

Well, knowing Freud, he'd probably think

it was a way of acting
out sexual fantasies.

Oh, boy, that Freud. Everything
with him was sex, wasn't it?

He probably would have thought
goldilocks was a nymphomaniac,

'cause she liked to sleep
in different beds.

Aha. Then you must agree with adler.

I don't know. Who's adler?

Uh, uh, honey, it's a
little bit complicated.

Um, I'll explain it to you later.

Why don't you go check on the cookies, huh?

Um, ok, Michael. But just
one more charade, ok?

No, no, no, no. No more charades.

(Stuart) Oh, come on. Just one more.

It'll only take a minute, ok?

Oh, come on. Just one more.

All right, one more. Go ahead. One more.

But that's it. (Gloria) Ok.

No more charades after this.

Go ahead. It's 2 words.

The first word is what?

Uh, "push."

It's "pushing," it's, uh, "shoving."

It's "shove. Shove, shove, shove."

Second word is what? It's a small word...

(Stuart) "And." It's "the."

It's "but." It's "and."

It's "it."

"Shove it!"

Excuse me, Stuart.

What were you trying to
pull down there, Gloria?

Gloria, isn't here.

Huh? This is your dog, rover.

Fetch the cookies, Gloria.

Fetch the coffee.

[Yipping]

What do you want me to fetch next, master?

Your dead duck?

[Panting]

What are you doing?

[Yelping]

Oh, come on!

Gee! What's the matter with you?

You flip out or somethin'?

Yeah.

Don't you realize what you
were doing to me down there?

You were either ordering
me to get you something,

or to sit down and be quiet.

That's not true.

Yes, it is.

You made me feel this big in front
of Stuart, inferring I was dumb.

Implying.

Huh?

See, the listener infers,

the speaker implies.

Oh, I did it again, huh?

[Tittering] Oh.

How could you marry anyone
with such a small mind?

I don't think you have a small mind.

I was talking to myself, you egotist.

You got back at me. You gave me a shot.
You happy now?

No. Because you still don't
understand what I'm talking about.

Yes, I do. You want to feel
a part of things, right?

Yes!

Ok. Why don't you come downstairs,

you can watch Stuart and me play chess.

Oh. Whoop-di-doo!

Gloria, that's the best
way to learn the moves.

You watch 2 experts play.

Well, then I've got a good
move for you, Michael.

Why don't you get out?

Oh, honey come on.

I said out!

Oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to interrupt you,

but Stuart is downstairs--

I was just on my way down, ma.

Maybe you can talk some sense to her.
Excuse me.

Gloria.

What's the matter?

Nothing.

I'm just losing my husband. That's all.

Oh, what makes you think that?

I don't stimulate him anymore.

What?

I mean mentally, ma.

Oh.

While he's at school
studying Sigmund Freud,

I'm behind the cosmetic
counter at kressler's,

selling milk baths to fat cows.

Don't you want Mike to
get his master's degree?

I don't know anymore.

I'm busy working his way through
school and my way out of a marriage.

Oh, Gloria, it couldn't be that bad.

Oh, it is, ma. Don't you see?

The more and more educated he gets,

the more he's gonna need a woman

whose got it all up here,
not someplace else.

You've got just as much up there

as you've got someplace else.

Some men think that women who got it
someplace else, ain't got it up here.

But I know a lot of women who got
it up here and someplace else.

Ma--

I know some women who got it up here

and don't got it someplace else.

Ma-- and I know some women who had it up

someplace else.

And when they got older, it moved.

Oh, ma. You don't understand at all.

Don't you see? I'm not
smart enough for Michael.

Gloria, you should never talk like that.

There's lots of ways of bein' smart.

There's book smart, and
there's people smart.

And sometimes people smart
is a lot more important.

Michael doesn't think so.

Hmm, well, neither does Archie.

But that's the way we got this house.

What do you mean?

Well, when we wanted to buy it,

it cost more than we could afford.

But Archie said that we could
bargain the price down

if we worked like a team.

Like how?

Well, Archie would do the talkin' part

and I would do the keepin' quiet part.

But Archie made the owner mad.

And the man said he wouldn't
sell the house to Archie

if he was the last man on earth.

M-ma, I'm sorry,

but I don't see what any of this
has got to do with Michael and me.

But it has. This is where
the people smart comes in.

You see, I took the owner aside

and I told him how I felt.

How I liked the house.

How I could feel all the warmness in it

from livin' in the house

with his lovely wife, and
his cute little kids.

And guess what?

The man said we could have the house

in spite of...

In spite of daddy?

Oh, no. In spite of the
owner was a bachelor.

You see, the man liked the way I talked.

But I didn't tell Archie it
was me that got the house.

I let Archie think that he did it.

Well, I don't think that's right.

A smart wife shouldn't be afraid
to show her husband she is

smart.

Tonight,

I'm feelin' pretty inferior.

Ma, what am I gonna do?

Oh, Gloria.

Why don't you do what you always do?

Talk to Mike

and tell him how you feel.

Yeah, I suppose I should.

[Sighs]

Yeah. You're right.

Yeah.

Hey, I'm not a second-class citizen

just because I didn't go to college.

And I'm gonna go down there
and tell him, right now.

Good.

Yeah, he's gonna have to

either accept me the way I
am, or find somebody else.

What's the matter?

What if he finds somebody else.

Checkmate.

I didn't even see that.

That's the 3rd time you didn't see it.

Let's call it a night. Ok, Mike?

No, no, no, no. Let's play one more.

I want to win one. Just one.

Mike, I haven't got that much time.

I'm already 27 years old.

Am I that bad?

Hey, Mike, forget it, will you?

No, no, re-really, tell
me-- tell me, how bad am I?

Ok. You're terrible.

Seriously.

Oh, seriously, you're the worst.

Why would you want to play with me?

I didn't. You made me play.

Listen, it's getting late, Mike.

Oh, w-wait a second. Wait a second, stu.

What do you mean I made you play?

I--I thought you liked to play chess.

I do. And I wish we had
played some tonight.

Oh, come on, Mike.

I was perfectly happy playing
charades with Gloria.

Yeah, but that doesn't take any thought.

Look, Mike, who has to be
thinking all the time?

Hey, look, all night long
you've been coming on like,

"hey, here we are guys. A
couple of intellectuals."

Hey, well, I don't know about you,

but I like to think I'm
more than just that.

Now look, you're a fun guy.

You know the best time I ever had with you

was the night that we went bowling
and you beat me, remember?

145 to 137.

That's right. So what do you say
we do it again sometime, ok?

All right. Ok.

I'll see you in class.

All right, see you later, Stuart.

Michael, we have to have a talk.

Not now. Now.

Our marriage is in trouble.

When one partner thinks of the
other as intellectually inferior--

oh, oh, oh, yes! Sure. Sure.
Hey, that's-- that's great!

First Stuart calls me a dope
. And now you're calling me one.

I didn't call you a dope.

No, but that's what you
were thinkin', Gloria.

Well, let me tell you somethin'.

Chess, chess is not the be all
and end all of everything.

There are a lot of brilliant
guys who can't play chess.

Bowling is important, too.

What are you talkin' about?

You know damn well what I'm
talkin' about, Gloria.

I'm talkin' about you callin'
me intellectually inferior.

I wasn't talkin' about you.
I was talkin' about me.

I'm the dope!

Oh.

Well, then that's all right.

All right?

I didn't mean it that way, honey.

You--you're very bright.

Sure, as long as I stay in the kitchen.

Oh, lets face it, Michael. I'm
just another dumb blonde, right?

No, you're not. You're not.

Honey, you're very, very naturally bright.

There's a big difference between
knowledge and intelligence.

You happen to have in-intelligence.

Yeah, as a matter of fact,

tonight you were smarter than me.

I was?

Yeah.

You were smart enough not
to play chess with Stuart.

Oh, he beat you, huh?

Oh, boy.

Well, I wouldn't care if Stuart
beat you at chess a hundred times.

You're smart enough for me anytime.

It's just that I'm afraid

because you're getting more and
more educated, and I'm not.

And pretty soon you won't need me anymore.

Oh.

Oh, honey. Honey.

Is that what's bothering you?

Hey,

Albert Einstein loved his wife,

and she was a very simple woman.

So now I'm simple, huh?

No! No!

I didn't-- I didn't mean it that way.

Jeez, what are we arguing about?

Because you're getting a masters degree

and I barely finished
high school, that's why.

What? Are you crazy?

What do you think I'm not gonna love
you just because all you have is

a high school education?

[Laughing] Gloria.

You're a warm, wonderful,
sensitive, desirable woman.

I know.

But that's not enough.

When I married you, I married
you because I loved you.

And that has not changed.

But you're changing.

Oh, don't you see, Michael, you're
gonna meet more and more Stuarts.

And then I'm gonna be left out of a
very important part of your life.

And it can only get worse.

Or maybe if I could go to college
things would be different.

I don't know.

[Sobbing]

Then you will.

What do you mean? I can't go to college.

Why not?

You've been helping me through
school these past few years.

When I graduate and get a job,
I'll do the same for you.

You would do that for me?

Sure.

Honey.

Quid pro quo.

That means-- I know what that means.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

It means you love me.

[Gloria crying]

Oh!

What's goin' on here?

Oh, ma. Michael's putting
me through school.

Oh!

Well, don't let me interrupt
you doin' your homework.

[Chuckling]

(Male narrator) All in the
family was recorded on tape

before a live audience.