All in the Family (1971–1979): Season 5, Episode 1 - The Bunkers and Inflation: Part 1 - full transcript

? Boy, the way Glenn Miller played ?

? songs that made the hit parade ?

? guys like us, we had it made ?

? those were the days

? and you knew where you were then ?

? girls were girls and men were men ?

(Both) ? mister, we could use a man

? like Herbert hoover again

? didn't need no welfare states ?

? everybody pulled his weight ?

(Both) ? gee, our old lasalle ran great ?



? those were

? the days

I'm tellin' you for the last
time, get away from me.

Get away from me!

That's just the administration.

It's causin' all your problems.

Where do you think your
inflation comes from?

I know where my inflation comes from.

From the gas that you give me.

What are you two fightin' about now?

I ain't fightin'.

He's the one that's doin' the fightin',

all I'm doin' is talkin'.

And all I'm sayin' is that
I shouldn't be puttin' on



this anniversary party
which I cannot afford.

And all I am saying is

the reason you are uptight is because,

a: Your union is about to go on strike--

hold it. Hold it. I ain't
uptight about that strike.

And b: Between the recession and inflation,

this administration is
taking you to the cleaners.

Oh, get away from me.

You can't walk away from an argument!

You've been pinchin' pennies for months,

you're down to one cigar a day,

and you are scared stiff about that strike.

I ain't scared about that strike,
I ain't scared about nothin'.

You are too scared.

You're scared your union's
about to go on strike

because of the high cost of
living that this administration

promised to bring down 6 years ago.

[Exclaiming]

The only thing that scares me

is the high cost of your appetite.

If you listen to your president, you'd know

that he had the answer to inflation.

The country's got to produce more goods,

then we gotta have little
more unemployment.

So when there's more goods to buy

and less people who can
afford to buy the goods,

then the prices will come down.

That is the stupidest damn
thing you've ever said.

You watch your language,

don't be swearin' in the house.

Oh, come on, arch.

What's the difference?

Daddy!

What is the difference between
this house and the white house?

What are you bringin'
up the white house for?

It's a fact, arch, Nixon swore.

Listen. Now, I say this for the man.

He never swore in the house
in front of his family.

Only with the people workin' for him,

because they're Germans, you
gotta swear at Germans.

Daddy, swearing's just a
sign of a small mind.

Ah, shut the hell up.

I don't see how you can
keep defending the guy.

I mean, he had to resign because
he lied about the cover-up.

He did not lie.

He forgot to tell the truth.

That's a big difference, huh?

You get away from me.

But as long as you're still with me,

let me tell you somethin' else.

There's a lot of presidents

done a lot worse than president Nixon.

Like who?

Oh, like a lot of them, like,
uh, well, for instance,

the guy-- that guy-- that
guy-- the guy, that, uh,

went into the capitol,
and under the dome and

was sellin' the teapots on the side.

You mean Harding?

That's right, Alexander e. Harding.

And nobody said a word to
him because in them days,

people have respect for
what do you call, uh,

executive's privileges.

Daddy, you better try to get
in a good mood for this party.

Oh, never mind my mood, little girl,

just keep hangin' your steamers over there.

You're the one that got me into
this whole expensive party here.

Made me go out and buy your
mother an engagement ring

after she went 26 years without one.

Did you get it?

Yeah, yeah, here it is, right here.

Oh, it's beautiful.

It ought to be beautiful. Cost me $85.

Wow, looks like it cost more than that.

What? Listen, it's a $229 ring.

Spike waterman's old lady
didn't need it anymore.

She went on one of them screwball diets,

all the fat come off of her
behind and went into her fingers.

Michael, will you please help me over here?

Yeah, yeah, sure.

Daddy, you really think
you're goin' on strike, huh?

Well, I don't know, if some of them

young hot-heads down the
plant get their way.

I don't know what these guys want.

They've been askin' for
staggered work shifts,

lounges with pictures
on the wall, and books.

They wanna turn a factory
into a house of pleasure.

They don't wanna work,
they're a bunch of fairies.

Daddy, people should be
treated with respect.

Listen, little girl,
respect is for the dead.

The living need dough.

Sometimes, you got to strike.

Ah, don't be tellin' me what I gotta do.

I'm an old trade union man
long before you was born.

Let me tell you, there's
a right way to strike,

and a wrong way to strike.

And the right way to
strike is don't strike.

What?

That's the way it is, you
gotta threaten to strike.

You see, you gotta play the
rules of the bargaining game.

Now, you ask the bosses
for more than you know

they're willin' to give you.

Then the bosses come
back and they offer you

less than they know you're willin' to take.

And you meet someplace in the middle,

and you compromise each other.

And as for you...

[Blowing]

Stick 'em up everybody.

Aw, gee!

What is that?

It's a party favor.

Now watch, I pull the
trigger and it goes "pop".

I mean, "bang".

Dingbat.

I'll give you a hand, ma.

Oh, thanks, Mike.

Oh, my!

The decorations look beautiful, Gloria.

Thanks, ma.

[Phone ringing]

I'll get it.

Hello.

Oh, yes, he's here.

May I tell him who's calling, please?

Who's that on the phone, little girl?

Just a minute. It's a Mr. Ted bartlett.

Ted bartlett, that's the
president of my union.

Give me the phone. Give
me-- give me the phone.

Give--give-- give me the...

W-will you give me the phone.
Give me the phone!

Get outta here.

Yeah.

A. Bunker speaking, yeah.

Yes, Mr. bartlett.

How are you?

Aw, get outta there, stretch Cunningham.

I know your voice.

My, I hope that ain't bad news.

You're really worried about
a strike, aren't you, ma?

Oh, yeah, and I hope it don't happen.

Still, I don't know how we'll manage

if Archie don't get more money.

I can't figure it out, Gloria.

20 years ago,

Archie was earnin' a lot less,
and we was eatin' a lot more.

And then, I always had somethin' left over

to put in the savings bank.

Now there ain't hardly
nothin' left in there.

And I got nothin' to put in.

I don't know how long the bank
can afford to go on like this.

(Archie) Aw, whoopy-doo!

Hey, everybody! Good news, Edith!

Bring my beer. Whoop-Dee-doo.

[All exclaiming]

Edith, you know who that was on the phone?

Should I guess?

No, sit down.

It was stretch Cunningham. He was
calling me about the strike.

He was usin' the executive's
toilet at work.

He called to tell you
he went to the toilet?

The executive toilet, meathead.

See, he was up in the
office part of the plant,

so he figured, well, as
long as he was up there,

why not?

Why not what?

Why not see how the other half, uh, lives?

So he was sittin' in there
and all of a sudden,

in comes Jim Sanders,
the personnel manager,

and the big boss, old
man pendergast himself.

Oh, my, I hope stretch
didn't get caught in there.

No, no, no, no, they didn't even see him.

See, he picked his feet up.

He heard Sanders say to pendergast,

"Mr. pendergast, you think
there's gonna be a strike?"

And pendergast said to Sanders,

"no, there ain't gonna be no strike

because we can't afford no strike."

[All cheering]

That's great, arch. Terrific news.

Gee, I just hope it's true.

Certainly, it's true. Men
never lie in toilets.

In toilets, everything is out in the open.

Well, now aren't you glad

I talked you into having your
wedding anniversary party?

Sure I'm glad now that there's
somethin' to celebrate.

In fact, Edith, you know,

I think I'm gonna run down the corner
and buy myself some more cigars.

You wanna come, meathead?
We can finish the fight.

Yeah, all right.

Michael, will you please stay here and
help me finish with the decorations?

Everybody will be here in about half hour.

That's why I'm leaving you, Gloria.

You're gonna do it much better without me.

(Archie) ? there ain't gonna be no strike ?

? there ain't gonna be
no strike, no strike ?

? 'cause there ain't gonna be no strike ?

Oh, my! What a relief.

Now maybe, your father will
get a good night's sleep.

Oh, hasn't daddy been sleepin', ma?

Oh, no.

I can always tell when he's sleepin'

'cause he snores like this.

[Snoring]

[Gibbering]

What's he do when he's not sleeping?

He don't snore.

[Doorbell ringing] Oh, I'll get it.

That's probably Louise.

She's makin' a cake for the party.

Is this the bunker's residence?

Yeah. Telegram.

Oh, thank you.

Oh my, look, a telegram.

Go ahead, ma. Open it.

Oh, no. It says bunker. It
might be for your father.

Ma, your name's bunker, too.

It's probably a happy anniversary wire.

Go on, open it.

Oh, all right. If you say so.

I'll just read my half.

[Gasping]

I shouldn't have opened it.

Why not?

It's from your father's union.

He's gotta go on strike on Monday.

But that's not what daddy just said.

I know. But he was wrong, Gloria.

Men do tell lies in toilets.

? Pack up all my cares and woe ?

? here I go, singing low

? bye bye blackbird

? where somebody waits for me ?

? sugar's sweet, so is he

? bye bye blackbird

ma.

You can't stay in the kitchen all night.

Gloria, I wonder what's
keepin' Mike and Archie.

Oh, they probably just stopped off

at kelsey's for a beer and
the rest of their argument.

Gloria, maybe I was wrong.

Maybe, I better show Archie the telegram

when he gets back.

No, ma, your first instinct was right.

You mean,

if I tell him about the strike,

it'll spoil the party?

I mean, if you tell him about the strike,

there won't be any party.

Now, ma, come on.

Let's have a good time, ok?

All right.

Come on, Louise. We both can sing.

(Both) ? I make my bed

? and light the light

? I'll arrive

? late tonight

? blackbird

? bye bye

[exclaims]

Oh, ma.

Don't look like that. You gotta cheer up.

If daddy comes home and
sees you lookin' like this,

he'll suspect something.

Smile!

I'll try.

Wait a second, arch, you can't tell her.

Don't tell me what I can't do.

I never got stuck in a door in my life

until my daughter married you.

Don't ever come through a
doorway with me again.

Arch, arch, wait a second, wait a second.

What if we hadn't run
into Dutch kreeger, huh?

And what if Dutch kreeger hadn't
told us that the strike was on?

And what if your grandmother had wheels?

Then she'd be a bike,

and you could pedal away from here.

Think about those other people in there.

You invited them over just so
you could give ma the ring.

I can't give her no $229 ring
with a strike comin' on.

All right, all right, go ahead,
go in there and tell her,

ruin the few happy hours
that she might be havin',

spoil the whole party.

That should make you feel real good.

Leave me alone, will you?

Just you leave me alone.

[All chattering]

Oh, geez.

She's in there all smiles.

You're right, meathead.

How am I gonna go out there
and throw cold water

in that happy face that don't know nothing?

All right, come on with me.

And try to look cheerful
yourself, will you?

You look like one of that
pallberries at a funeral.

Wait.

Wait. Let me go through
the door first, please.

[Inaudible]

Uh, in the refrigerator.

Here?

See you, arch.

You hidin', Mr. bunker?

You stay away from me, too.

[All chattering]

(Archie) Hey, Edith.

Oh, Archie, you're back.

Yeah. You havin' a good time, huh, Edith?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, you see that?

What the hell is that?

I mean...

Don't tell me what to do.

Archie, you missed a beautiful song.

Irene, do blackbird again.

Oh, wait a minute, Irene.

Oh, never mind, uh, blackbirds,

uh, play somethin' white.

Play we're in the money, you know?

? We're in the money we're in the money ?

No, no, wait a minute, no, don't play that.

That's no good.

Uh, well, play somethin'
that goes with Edith here.

Play, uh, you know, w-what is that, umm...

Uh, ain't she sweet, you remember that one?

(All singing) ? ain't she sweet

? see her walking down that street ?

? now I asked you very confidentially ?

? ain't she sweet you
havin' a good time, Edith?

Oh, yeah, yeah, sure.

? Ain't she nice

? look her over once or twice ?

Hey, Edith. Don't sing, just have fun.

? Ain't she nice I wanna wish
you a happy anniversary, Edith.

Oh, thank you, Mr. munson.

26 years with Archie,

you sure did some woman a big favor.

Oh, thank you.

Gloria, what woman did he mean?

Uh, ma, I--I think we need
some more sandwiches.

Oh, yeah.

George, don't just stand here like a stick.

Mingle around, talk with people.

Why should I talk to them?

I don't even feel like talkin' to you.

Hey, uh...

Hey, Edith, I got somethin' to tell you.

Oh, yeah.

All right, Edith.

Uh, Edith.

I--I got somethin' to tell you.

Oh, is that so?

Will you stand still? It's
like talkin' to a moth.

I'm--I'm sorry, Archie.

What do you wanna tell me?

Well, it's just... Edith, it...

Are you havin' a good time?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, sure. Are you?

Yeah, look at me.

That's nice.

Oh, I better put these sandwiches in there.

Yeah, put the sandwiches in there, Edith.

And have fun, you hear?

Oh, Mike, would you pass
these sandwiches around?

No, no, that's like askin' the
elephant to pass the peanuts.

Ah, look at this.

Don't be rootin' under the pile.

Can't you take what's on top?

Can't you be indelicate for a change?

Irene, play another song, huh?

Ok. But when are you gonna
cut the anniversary cake?

Oh, all in due time. In due time.

You know, like the good book
says, "patience is a virgin".

Help yourself to a sandwich here, Louise.

Oh, thank you, Archie.

Hey, bunker.

How come you're giving this party?
You about to go on strike.

Oh, dummy up on that strike
stuff, huh, Jefferson.

Who said anything about
goin' on strike here?

Oh, not me.

Yeah. There ain't gonna be no strike.

Listen, the bosses can't
get along without us.

So they know, they gotta divvy up with us.

See, that's the trouble with you people.

You always think that--

hold it, hold it, hold it.

Who are you callin' "you people"?

You people are "you people".

I'm talkin' about your unions

askin' for higher wages
. That's bad for the country.

Hey, now, if it's bad for the country,

how come you raised the
prices on the cleaning store?

He done that?

He did on the white clothes.

That figures, Jefferson.

You know something, Lionel.

You're the reason we never
had a second child.

Hey, Archie, I'm glad you don't
have to go out on strike.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

'Cause I won't be able to let
you drive the cab for a while.

Huh?

You mean Archie can't moonlight no more?

That's right, Edith
. Nothin' personal, arch.

But I'm gonna have to drive
the swing shift myself.

Things being what they are,

I gotta get every cent
I can lay my hands on.

Gee, that's an awful kick
in the head, munson.

Sorry, arch. But it could be a lot worse.

You could be out on strike, and
you wouldn't get your raise.

Isn't that right, Edith? Oh, right.

No hard feelings, arch.

Oh, no, no, munson.

Why don't you go over there and sing?

Oh, Archie.

Oh, forget about that.

I don't care if I don't drive his cab.

I'll have more time to myself, Edith.

I'll be able to perfect my bowling.

Archie, there's somethin' I gotta tell you.

No, no, no, save it,
save it, save it, Edith.

There's somethin' much more
important I gotta do right now.

All of yous, over here. All of yous now.

Hey, hold it down, hold it down.

Just for 2 or 3 instances over here, huh?

I got a little announcement
I gotta announce now.

As yous all know, Edith and me

are married 26 years today.

[All cheering]

Do you have to be eatin' during this?

But 27 years ago,

Edith and me got engaged to
be married, right, Edith?

Right. Yeah.

You know when a guy asks
a girl to get married,

that's the highest compliment he can pay.

And it's usually the last one, too.

Hey don't help me there, Mrs. "j", huh?

Well, when I asked Edith to marry me,

I didn't have the money to
afford an engagement ring.

But I said to her, "one day. One day."

And as you know, Edith,

I always keep my promises, see.

So now, this here is the day,

and here we are.

[All exclaiming] Oh, Archie!

Hey, now.

Hold out that finger, Edith.

Put it right on there. There.

Now, ain't that nice?

Oh, Archie.

Oh.

Oh, oh!

Relax. I'll take care of that. Don't worry.

Hey, tears of happiness, folks.
Tears of happiness.

The woman's delirious.

Made you happy, huh, Edith?

Archie,

that's the nicest thing
you ever done for me.

I know that, Edith.

It's a beautiful ring.

Oh, that ought to be.

That's a whole quarter of a carat there.

Oh, you don't have to cry no more.

You can start feelin' better now.

Hey, you wanna kiss me again?

No!

I ain't cryin' about the ring.

Then, what are you cryin' 'cause of?

This.

Now where did you get that?

It came while you was out.
You better read it.

I don't have to read it, Edith.

I know what's in there.

You know?

Well, then, how come you was
having such a good time?

I done all that because of you, Edith.

And you knew all the time.

I was out there all night long

killin' myself bein' happy.

Why did you put me through that?

I'm sorry, Archie.

I don't mind if you wanna take this back.

Oh, no! Edith!

Come on, would you? Here.

That's your ring there.
Edith, you keep that.

That's yours, that's yours.

Anyway, what would I get for it?

Ma, you all right?

Yeah, I'm fine, Gloria.

Daddy? Yeah, yeah, fine, fine.

I suppose she knows all about this.

I suppose everybody out
there knows all about it.

Oh, no, no. Just Mike and Gloria.

When are you comin' out?

Everybody is waitin' for
you to cut the cake.

(Both) We'll be right there, Gloria.

Ok.

Come on, let's go back
to the party, Archie.

W-w-wait--

it'll make us both feel better.

Wait a minute, Edith. I
gotta tell you something.

What with this strike comin'
on, and all the inflation,

cost of livin', I mean,

things could get very tough.

I know, Archie.

But we'll make out all right.
We always have.

There ain't nothin' to be afraid of.

Remember what president Roosevelt said.

What did he say?

He said, "there ain't nothin'
to fear, but fear itself."

Oh, yeah.

But he was workin' when he said it.

(Guests) ? let a smile be your umbrella ?

? on a rainy

? rainy day

? and if your sweety cries

? just tell her

? that a smile will always pay ?

How was the picketing today?

Oh, geez. It was lousy...

(Male announcer) Be sure
to join us next week

and see what happens to the bunker family

when Archie goes on strike.

Oh, geez, they gave me the
biggest sign of all to carry.

A big 4 by 8 with a barn door at the top

that said, "unfair".

And look at this.

Oh, how'd you get that spot?

A kid threw a tangerine at me.

(Male announcer) All in the
family was recorded on tape

before a live audience