All Creatures Great and Small (1978–1990): Season 5, Episode 9 - Cheques and Balances - full transcript
Siegfried goes on the warpath as a result of the number of farmers not paying their bills - in one case, no payment for three years! They draw up a black list of the worst offenders and decide to tackle the issue head on. But Siegfried doesn't worry when rumors have Major Bullen being bankrupt - as he is a gentleman, Siegfried is quite sure the Major will pay up. James once again has to deal with Mr. Biggins, who is constantly worried about paying too much for veterinary services.
- Morning. Morning, Major Bullen.
- Herriot.
All set, Mr Biggins?
I suppose you'll charge a fortune
for your services?
We discussed all this yesterday.
You get paid for what you do,
and, oddly enough, so do I.
I've been thinking about that.
If you don't want me to operate
on your cow, you have only to say.
See, the thing is, the longer you keep me
here, the more it's going to cost you.
Always got your hand in my pocket,
Mr Herriot.
(sighs) Oh, Helen.
It's a marvellous time to be up there,
you know, especially at dawn.
I don't know
where you find the energy.
What's the loss of sleep
in comparison to the glorious feeling
of treading a world freshly made?
- Morning.
- Morning. I'll be with you in a moment.
Right. Good, good.
Quarterly accounts.
Always an unpredictable time,
especially where Siegfried is concerned.
- Helen.
- Oh, thanks.
Better put the kettle on again.
Once more into the fray.
- Good luck.
- Uh, yes.
(cow moos)
Is she any better today,
Mr Biggins?
That's what I'm paying you to find out.
Yes, it's traumatic reticulitis, all right. She
must've swallowed a wire or something.
If you get some warm water,
I'll get started.
So long as you don't charge me
for that an' all.
She's eaten nowt
for a couple of days.
- Well done. These seem in perfect order.
- I'll post them off today.
The sooner the better.
We need all the cash we can get.
Yes, most of them
are fairly good about paying.
These are a different matter entirely,
I'm afraid. Persistent bad payers.
(kettle whistles)
The kettle's boiling.
(Siegfried) Henry Wilson, £161 .19!
Got it.
There you are, Mr Biggins.
It's a nail.
Lucky it didn't penetrate forward from
the reticulum. Would've affected the heart.
- What are you doing that for?
- It's a rusty old nail.
Don't want it causing
any more damage, do we?
- That is my property.
- I beg your pardon?
That's my property.
Ah, Biggins.
- I trust you're well.
- Very well, thank you, Major.
Jolly good.
Now, Biggins, about those ewes.
You will not find better
in the whole dale, Major, sir.
Yes, fine animals.
I'll have them.
- Thank you, Major.
- Tell me when you're ready to settle up.
No need to worry about that.
Plenty of time.
(Major) Jolly good.
- I'll say goodbye to you both.
- (James) Bye.
Oh, Herriot. My hunter
seems to have gone slightly lame.
- Any chance you'd able to check it out?
- Yes, of course.
- Round about four o'clock?
- Um, yes, I think I can manage that, sir.
Good.
- Goodbye.
- Goodbye, Major.
Mr Biggins?
What are you doing?
I want my nail.
I've got plans for this, tha knows.
(hammering)
Waste not, want not.
(chuckles)
Henry Wilson - Iives like a sultan,
chucks tenners away on cigars,
and it's two years
since we've seen a penny of his money.
Ted Grimsdale - he's got thousands
stashed under his bed, I'm sure of that.
Mallaby -
tight as an owl twice a week.
Not a sou from him
for over a year.
Biggins. Ah, well,
I hold you responsible for Biggins, James.
- Thank you.
- You were there this morning.
Again, you haven't a penny
to show for your time or trouble.
- I can't force him to pay.
- They're all here, all the old gang.
- Dennis Pratt.
- Dennis is such a likable man.
Of course he's a likable man.
I like all of them.
I'd like them more if they paid bills.
It's a miracle this practice stays afloat.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
Helen.
Major Bullen is not at all the sort of man
we want to see on this list.
We've had nothing from him
in three years, Siegfried.
- What?
- Yes. I've mentioned it from time to time.
I'm sure that there's a mistake here.
He probably never got his bills.
He's had the bills. And the reminders.
And the reminders about the reminders.
- They all have.
- He is not the sort who need worry us.
It's this ragbag of fugitives
from the debtors' prison
that should concern us.
Very well.
This is war.
All-out PNS.
- "PNS"?
- Oh, polite, nasty, then solicitors.
Siegfried's system
for getting money out of bad payers.
The polite and nasties are just ignored,
and we have never taken anyone to court
and everyone knows it.
Very well, Helen.
I take it we're all agreed this debt problem
has reached unmanageable proportions?
Not only is it bad for business,
it undermines confidence in the practice
and encourages others to follow suit.
So there's only one option left -
to pick up the gauntlet
that has been thrown down by the enemy.
The Farnon and Herriot blacklist.
You've all got a copy of it.
- Pratt, Mallaby, Biggins.
- (Siegfried) Mm-hm.
Grimsdale.
I'm seeing him this afternoon.
Oh, excellent. Then to you, Calum, falls
the honour of spearheading the attack.
- First over the top, eh?
- Here is Grimsdale's account.
Make sure you take it with you and see
that you slam it into the old rascal's hand
at the time and place of treatment.
- Oh. What then?
- Pressure, Calum.
If for any reason you fail, then you
repeat the procedure at the next visit.
Don't think that you'll be
charging into the breach unsupported.
Helen and I will be softening up the enemy
positions with a thorough PNS barrage.
And if they still fail to pay?
My dear James, confronting the problem
like this, personally, is bound to succeed.
They'll submit, James.
They'll give in.
- What about Major Bullen?
- Ah... What about him, James?
- He ought to be on the list.
- You really think so?
He owes more money
than all the others put together.
- I'm seeing him this afternoon, so...
- No, I'll go and see him.
I want to keep my eye
on that good hunter of his.
- I did give him my word that...
- James, please leave it to me.
Major Bullen is a very agreeable man.
Siegfried, they are all very agreeable men,
except possibly for Biggins.
Why should we treat Major Bullen
any differently? Hm?
Major Bullen is a gentleman, James, and
a gentleman's word is his bond, is it not?
Siegfried.
Oh, very well.
If you insist.
There you are.
Are you satisfied?
Yes, thank you.
(horn beeps)
A very good day to you,
Mr Grimsdale.
I don't see what you've got
to be so chirpy about, young fella.
Don't you?
Well, I'll tell you.
Money, Mr Grimsdale.
Oh, aye?
Today's the day
I give you your bill.
It's the little piece of paper
inside this envelope.
After perusal of same, you will then
pay me the sum of money written upon it.
What do you think of that?
- Aren't you going to open it?
- Hold on, veterinary.
There's something I don't like here.
- Is something wrong?
- By heck, man. Gone down some.
- "Gone down"?
- Aye. Failing fast.
Losing ground
since last time you were here.
I've never felt better, I can assure you.
Why don't you have a look at your bill?
Ooh.
I'd really rather you didn't do that.
I'm not one of your bullocks, you know.
- Off your feed, are you?
- Pardon?
Sweating and trembling
when they turn you out in the morning?
- "Sweating and trembling"?
- Take in a lot of water at night, do you?
Mr Grimsdale.
I know the signs. One minute,
kicking your heels in the field,
the next, nowt but dog meat
in the knacker's yard.
Don't you think
you better look at that?
That can wait, young man.
I want old Muriel looked to
before you keel over.
- This is our Muriel.
- (cow moos)
Well, let's have a look at her, then.
Aye.
Looks like her old friend
the mastitis again.
I tell you what,
while I'm seeing to Muriel, why don't you
have a wee look inside the envelope?
How's that?
(Siegfried) Bring him round,
would you?
- (Major) What's the verdict?
- Well, he's strained his flexor tendon.
He's struck into himself, somehow.
Is it serious?
It's not too dreadful.
I'll give him a shot to take the swelling
down and leave you some ointment.
- Of course, what he really wants is rest.
- Excellent. Thank you, Farnon.
Ah, I almost forgot.
Uh, this is for you.
I thought I might as well
drop it in by hand.
Yes?
It's a small reminder
of the present state of your account.
That time again?
That contains all the charges
up to the end of the June quarter.
Really?
Matter of fact,
it stretches back a considerable time.
Something seems to have slipped through
the net. Easily put right, though.
- Thank you.
- I'll make you out a cheque straightaway.
Well, that would be, uh...
Thank you.
- Of course. Just hold on a moment.
- That's enormously kind.
Damn!
I don't seem to have it on me.
(vehicle engine)
(Major) Ah, there you are, Mallock.
You can take him on now. There's
the ointment. You know how to use it.
Major. Veterinary.
Now then, Jeff. Makes a change to see
you carting the living instead of the dead.
Just doing a favour for the major,
veterinary.
Delivering some stock
he bought off old Biggins.
- Oh, yes?
- Thank you for delivering them.
I'm sorry I were a bit late, Major.
I were in town...
Not to worry. It was very decent of you
to put yourself out on my account.
Well, no trouble at all, sir.
No trouble at all.
I'd be most obliged if you'd drop them off
in the bottom meadow for me.
It'd be a pleasure, Major.
A pleasure.
Oh, of course,
you'll want some cash.
Ah, easier said than done.
Never seem to have it on me
when I need it.
I'll tell you what,
I'll get my wife to write you a cheque.
Of course,
you only deal in cash, don't you?
Well, normally, yes, sir. But seeing as it's
you, Major, I can make a little exception.
Right, I'll show you the way.
Oh, I think you'd better
hold on to this, Farnon.
I'm absolutely hopeless
with bits of paper.
Marvellous.
Right you are, Mallock.
(Calum) Well...
what do you think?
Right enough, it must be a bit of a shock
to see it build up like that.
Of course, uh, we could always consider
a small discount if you paid now.
However,
if you delay, I'm afraid
you'll have to pay the full amount.
It's on account they're not
feeding thee properly, tha knows.
- I'm sorry?
- I've seen no end of good types fail.
Uh, can we stick to
the subject of your bill, please?
There we go again,
always money, money, money,
and no thought of keeping yourself
from going under.
- That's absurd.
- Listen here.
When I saw you come into my yard,
I said to meself:
"That lad's failed
over the last month or two."
Bound to rub off, isn't it,
unless you get the proper trough.
Oh, what does it matter?
You won't listen, will you?
(laughs)
- Siegfried?
- Hello, Helen. James, good morning.
Well, did the major cough up?
Ah, no,
not exactly, James.
Ah.
Wriggled out of it again, did he?
Well, I hardly think "wriggled"
is the appropriate word to apply.
No, I gave the matter further consideration
and decided not to press for payment.
And you didn't give him his bill, I see.
Oh, good Lord, no.
What you told me about Biggins gladly
giving him credit made an impression.
When I came across a similar occurrence
at first hand with Mallock...
- Not Mallock as well?
- Exactly.
Those two, you see,
seem to have the measure of the man.
Only the utmost integrity could inspire
their confidence, and to such a degree.
Well, I think you'll agree, when men
like that make generous gestures,
the practice can hardly do less.
- (front door opens)
- Ah, sounds like a client.
Oh, Helen, you've got the post. That's
wonderful. It wasn't here when I arrived.
Let's just see...
Yes. Farnon, Farnon, Herriot...
- Oh...
- (clears throat)
- Oh. Now then, Mr Herriot.
- Hello, Dennis.
- All right to come now?
- Yes. Sorry to keep you waiting.
Don't worry about it. Do you think I mind
summat like that after all you do for me?
- Morning, James.
- Calum.
- Mr Pratt.
- Morning, Mr Buchanan.
Ee, Mr Buchanan,
I'll tell you summat for nowt,
if a new chap like you learns even a little
of the ways of Farnon and Herriot,
you'll be a better man for it,
young fella.
- What can we do for you, Dennis?
- Well, it's me old sow Marlene, Mr Herriot.
She's got this bad rash
that Mr Farnon's been seeing to.
- It's got worse, has it?
- No, but she's not herself.
Now, with her pig lotion all used up...
- Well, you'll need some more, will you?
- You've read my mind, Mr Herriot.
Do you see what I'm on about?
He knows what I need even afore I says it.
- It's Mr Biggins on the phone for you.
- Nice to see you, Mrs Herriot.
Don't mind me. Get on with it.
This young man will see me right.
Ah, thanks a lot, Dennis.
Um... Calum?
Yes?
Won't be a moment, Mr Pratt.
Your wish, my command,
Mr Buchanan.
- Dennis Pratt.
- Top of the blacklist.
Don't give him anything
until he pays up.
Just you leave it to me, James.
Good luck.
Mr Biggins,
sorry to keep you waiting.
I know that you think
I'm made of brass, veterinary.
- What can I do foryou?
- There's a cow you might want to see.
- Oh, yes? A cow, MrBiggins?
- Aye, veterinary.
- And why might I want to do that?
- Well, I... I don't know.
- I think you do.
- Well, maybe she does want looking at.
- Not the cow I operated on the other day?
- No, no, no.
Another beast.
She's blown up as tight as a drum.
Right, well, I better come out
and have a look at her, hadn't I?
- I'm not so sure about that, veterinary.
- It sounds like the animal needs attention.
Yes, I thought you'd say that.
Well, I don't know.
Bloat in a cow is very urgent.
I am coming out now.
There you go again! Always trying
to get your hand down in my pocket.
- Do you want me to come out or not?
- That's what I'm ringing you for, isn't it?!
There's a blown cow at Biggins'.
Have you got his bill?
- (Helen) It's in the surgery.
- I didn't see it.
Oh.
- Sorry, here it is.
- Ah. Thanks.
- For all the good it'll do.
- I have got Mr Biggins on the run.
I don't share your optimism.
They have money,
it's persuading them to part with it.
It's like Dennis Pratt.
I saw him in the bank this morning.
- He's in the surgery, buying pig lotion.
- He's here?
Don't worry, Siegfried.
Calum is sorting it out.
- Dennis Pratt.
- (laughs)
- The list of medicines he's had.
- He did pay for the pig lotion?
- No, nor for the other stuff.
- What other stuff?
There's over £20 worth
of medicines here, Calum.
I tried. I tried to make him understand,
but there's no getting through to the man.
And you didn't
give him his bill either, I see.
Well, I just...
I just couldn't do it, James.
- Where is he now?
- In the surgery, packing up his medicines.
- James, give him his bill this instant.
- Me? Come on.
- You'd just let him walk out of here?
- He's as much your client as he is mine.
- Calum, I insist you redeem your utterly...
- Siegfried, he is inhuman.
- James.
- No.
- (door closes)
- He's leaving, Siegfried.
Dennis!
- Bye.
- Dennis!
Ah, Dennis.
A word, if you please.
- At your service, Mr Farnon.
- James, the door, would you?
Ah, I see that Mr Buchanan gave you your
pig lotion, and a good deal else besides.
- Just a few odds and ends from stock.
- Quite an expensive little purchase.
I'd rather hurt me purse
than the health of me animals, Mr Farnon.
Of course, of course.
In that case, why don't you settle up?
- Settle up?
- Yes, clear all the accounts rendered.
Since we are
sweeping the decks here in...
There's no need to explain,
Mr Farnon.
No one knows better than me the trials
you have with some folk over bills.
As I was driving here,
I said to meself, "Dennis," I says,
"if it weren't for what veterinary does,
you'd have gone under years since."
- Thank you, Dennis.
- Fair do's, Mr Farnon.
"Do unto others as you would others
would do unto you", that's my motto.
If tha says "settle up" to me,
then a settling up we're going to have.
- You mean you wish to pay your bill?
- I can take a hint.
- I didn't mean to...
- Of course you didn't.
What's friendship for if you can't say
what's on your mind? Where's me bill?
Helen?
Oh, I have it here, Dennis.
Thanks. Oh, I say!
Things have run on some,
haven't they?
Hm... Seems like only yesterday
we had our last reckoning.
Never mind, we'll soon get it sorted out.
Where's me chequebook? Here we are.
- Oh, pen, Mr Pratt.
- Oh, thank you, Mrs Herriot.
Now then... Oh.
- Well, isn't that just my luck?
- What's up, Dennis?
I must've used up the last one
when I paid for cattle cake this morning.
- What? Siegfried, excuse me. Could I...?
- Helen, just a moment, please.
Am I to understand that you have
no means of settling your account?
No, not right away, Mr Farnon.
But I'll be back again on market day
and we'll sort it all out then.
Tell you what I'll do, I'll put this bill in here
where it won't come to any harm.
- But Dennis...!
- Don't go fretting yourself, Mr Farnon.
It'll be as safe
as the crown jewels in there.
It's always a pleasure
to do business with Farnon and Herriot.
I must be on me way.
Did you see it?
That wallet,
stuffed tight with our unpaid bills.
We had him.
We had him on the hook.
- And he ran out of cheques.
- But did he?
I've been trying to tell you,
I saw him in the bank this morning.
I distinctly saw his chequebook then,
and it wasn't that tatty remnant
he just waved under your nose, Siegfried.
Dennis!
Dennis!
(James) She's badly blown.
How long's she been like this?
Since early this morning.
- What are you feeding her?
- I put her in the bottom pasture.
There's plenty of good keep there.
I haven't left her in all that long.
It's probably "the good keep"
that's caused the problem.
Fermenting in her stomach, you see?
I'll have to try and relieve it.
Always find summat to do,
don't you, Mr Herriot?
It's causing her pain.
It's got to be done.
This is for you.
It's your bill.
When do you think
you'll be able to settle up?
- How the heck do I know?
- Shall we say market day?
- What if I don't?
- Ah.
Then we'd have to assume
you're trying to avoid payment.
A fat lot of sleep
I'm going to lose about that, aren't I?
Do you mean
you'd rather let the courts sort it out?
Courts? What courts?
Law courts, Mr Biggins.
(hissing)
Everybody is talking about
Siegfried's blitz on the bad payers.
There's even a rumour someone's opened
a book on whether Dennis Pratt will pay.
He's proved it a million times -
Dennis is an irresistible force.
I think you let them
get away with murder.
I do not.
I've got Biggins on the spot.
Really? When do we see
the colour of his money?
- Ah, well...
- Exactly.
Helen's right, you know, James.
It's results that matter.
- What about you and Grimsdale?
- I can handle Grimsdale.
- He's got your measure, Calum.
- No, no, no.
Strength of character,
that's how to deal with him.
Now then.
(cow moos)
Right. You'll have no more trouble
from Muriel's mastitis.
But you'll have it from me if you poke me
with that damn stick again, understand?
Aye, but...
You pay your bill on market day.
Ah. On market day, Mr Grimsdale.
(laughs)
- No improvement I'm afraid, Mr Biggins.
- That should please you then, veterinary.
Zach Hawkins reckons there's nowt wrong
that one of his mixtures couldn't fix.
Oh, really? Well, I've seen the way
his mixtures fix - permanently.
You would say that,
wouldn't you?
I've had it up to here with folks
trying to put me down.
People like you and that Major Bullen.
Two of a kind, you are.
- Major Bullen?
- Aye.
Took me for six good ewes,
did that so-called gentleman.
What do you mean?
I mean that his cheque bounced
like lndia rubber.
- He's bankrupt.
- What?
Aye.
Bankrupt. Bust.
Never had owt,
bar his la-di-da ways.
That's always the same
with high and mighty folk,
trying to keep
the little man down.
Oh, so he owed you brass an' all, did he?
Yes.
Well, tha best frame thasen
and cure my only good cow, hadn't you?
Afore you lose another job. Pah!
Actinobacillosis
of the reticulum.
Hm.
(chatter)
It's not funny.
If it's true, he won't paying our bill either.
Rumour, James.
Merely rumour.
Small communities positively thrive on
gossip. The poor major's a sitting duck.
I'd heard he can't get credit
anywhere now.
The bank wants his house,
the garage impounded his Rolls-Royce.
- You seem extraordinarily well-informed.
- I have been investigating.
So the major
is in temporary financial difficulties.
It happens, James,
even in the best-regulated families.
Trust, James. Trust.
One of the most precious
of human attributes.
Siegfried, I'm sorry, I would love to stay
and debate this, but Mr Biggins awaits.
Biggins?
Biggins's cheque, James.
You simply must get him to cough up.
- I'll do my best, Siegfried.
- Excellent.
Excellent.
Now to our disposition.
Calum, give me a hand.
Get the sofa round here,
right up against the wall, out of the way,
so that there's a great open space here
and our crowd
will face an intimidating approach.
Helen, you will sit on my right hand,
the angel of light and mercy.
Calum, dour and grim of visage,
the exterminating angel,
you will sit on my left hand.
The delightful and the horrific
combining to irresistible effect.
I, of course,
will occupy
a slightly higher position,
providing a magisterial presence...
in the centre.
Right, then, Calum.
Wheel them in, if you please.
Calum.
Mr Biggins!
That's my beauty.
(cow moos)
Well?
- What do you think?
- She looks as good as ever she'll be.
It was a moment of sheer inspiration.
That wasn't typical bloat, you know. No.
She must've swallowed something,
damaging the stomach which got infected.
- Thus causing actinobacillosis.
- Tha didn't cure my cow, Mr Herriot.
Sorry?
I gave her a dose of Zach Hawkins'
mixture. That's what fixed her.
Any mixture of Zach Hawkins'
is dangerous rubbish.
Aye, but it did the job, didn't it?
The injection of sodium iodide
cured the cow.
No, veterinary!
Now, you listen to me. I have worried
myself sick trying to help that animal.
Well, I'm still sick - sick of your whingeing
and sick of your tightfisted way.
So...
who cured your cow,
Mr Biggins?
All right.
What if you did?
Pay for the treatment and the rest you
owe, which you promised to pay today.
That's quite right. It's high time
that the slate was wiped clean.
I'll tell you what, veterinary, come up to
the house now and I'll write you a cheque.
Thank you very much,
Mr Biggins.
Thank you.
Next.
- Name?
- "Name"?
- Name, please.
- What the hell are you playing at, Farnon?
Oh, it's you, Mr Mallaby.
Well, it's not ruddy
Hopalong Cassidy, is it?
Merely trying to observe
good business practice, Mr Mallaby.
- What the heck is he staring at?
- Let's stick to the matter in hand.
Don't seem to be all there,
that chap.
Now, I see that your account
is considerably overdue.
- We did write to you about it.
- Was that a red job?
- (Helen) Yes, that's right.
- Never look at red jobs.
Toss 'em in the bin
with the rest of rubbish. Aye.
Always leave the settling up
till market day.
It's many a market day
since we've seen you, Mr Mallaby.
It includes your arrears to date,
Mr Mallaby.
Why, thank you.
Helen, would you be kind enough
to fill that in for Mr Mallaby?
By God, Farnon.
Out for blood today, you are.
Thank you.
If you could sign...
Thank you.
Thank you, Mr Mallaby.
Always a pleasure
to receive recognition from valued clients,
however late in the day.
Hard as flint.
That's what you are, Farnon.
Hard as flint!
Hard as flint.
Well done, Calum.
If there are more awkward clients, I shall
be in the surgery. Well done, both of you.
Steadiness
in the face of the enemy.
Come in, veterinary.
Come in.
- You know our Hilda, don't you?
- (James) Hello, Mrs Biggins.
Now then, now then.
Your cheque.
Well, you'll soon be able to pay
some of your bills now, won't you?
There we are.
There.
There we are, then.
Thank you.
- It's all there, tha knows.
- Yes.
Yes, so it is.
Thanks.
- That looks good.
- Aye.
Right.
Now, I'll tell you what,
since we've cleared the air between us,
why don't you stay and have a bite
with me and the missus?
She'd like that, wouldn't you, Hilda? She
likes to share her table, does our Hilda.
- And there's always plenty to go round.
- Well, that's extremely kind, but...
Oh, no, Mr Herriot.
You can't hold back with us.
In that case, thank you, I will.
To tell you the truth, I'm starving.
Right. Well, you take a seat
and I'll fetch doings.
Right. Thanks.
Put bird on table, Hilda.
Right. Now then, veterinary,
which is it to be?
Well, the turkey looks delicious.
I like a chap as knows his mind. You'll
want a bit of summat to wash it down.
Go and get beer, Hilda.
There.
Right.
Don't you wait for us, veterinary.
Get stuck in
and help yourself to vegetables.
Well, if you're quite sure?
(James) Thank you.
Aren't you having turkey,
Mr Biggins?
No, thank you.
We prefer the beef.
Next.
- Ah, Mr Grimsdale.
- Nice to see you again, Mr Grimsdale.
- I'm not paying it.
- Not paying what?
- This here.
- Let's have a look at it, shall we?
This bill is correct, Mr Grimsdale.
I'm not paying
for something I didn't have.
- And what didn't you have, Mr Grimsdale?
- Them things there.
You did have several cows cleansed in
the spring, Mr Grimsdale. That's for those.
I had me cows cleansed, all right,
I expect to pay for it,
but I didn't have
no ruddy doodoos.
- "Doodoos"?
- Aye, them.
Whole ruddy list of 'em.
High an' all, costing.
- What's a "doodoo"?
- Do you mean these?
Aye, them.
Doodoos.
Those are dittos.
They're not treatments.
It's a quick way of repeating the same
information. I'm afraid this is correct.
- You mean I have to pay for 'em?
- We all have to pay for our doodoos.
Right.
I better be off.
Wonderful lunch.
Thank you both very much.
A pleasure to have you share it,
veterinary.
Oh, right.
Well, goodbye.
Hold on, hold on.
I've got a little something here for you.
- For me?
- Aye.
Oh.
I'd like you
to get shut of these for me, please.
No, really,
I couldn't possibly, but...
- Mr Biggins, these birds...
- Aye. Summat's killed 'em.
Correct.
They're diseased.
(Biggins) Yes, I know.
That's why I gave them to you
to get shut of for me.
I see.
Yes, of course.
- Oh, my God.
- Summat wrong?
That turkey I ate
wasn't one of these, was it?
You don't have to worry about that.
Everything tastes same at finish.
Diseased birds. Now, look,
did you cook one of these or didn't you?
Well, if I did,
you wouldn't be standing there.
Oh.
Or would you?
But you'd know the answer to that,
wouldn't you, veterinary?
He's here.
- He's here.
- Who's here, Siegfried?
Dennis Pratt. He's out there laughing
like a man on a holiday.
Well, I hope he intends to come in here.
He must.
We'll be the laughing stock of Darrowby.
I could always go out
and ask him to step inside.
No, thank you, Calum. He gave us
his word we would have his cheque today.
We must possess our souls in patience.
Thank you.
I've got to go.
Major Bullen's in the surgery.
- Hello, Herriot.
- Hello, Major.
I popped in to sort out the account
before we left Darrowby.
That's very decent of you.
Are you leaving for good?
Oh, yes.
On to pastures new.
- Well, made rather a hash of things here.
- I'm sorry things didn't go better for you.
Game of life, Herriot. No choice
but to play the hand as it comes.
Thank you for your enormous help
and support over these past few years.
- You'll be greatly missed, Major.
- Thank you.
Well, goodbye and good luck.
Goodbye, sir.
Hello, Bob.
There we are.
And another one.
Now then.
- Hello.
- (Siegfried) Well, James?
Well, what?
- Biggins, James.
- Ah, yes.
The cow has actinobacillosis
of the reticulum.
(sniggers)
And here... is his cheque.
I don't believe it.
James, how?
Don't ask me what I had to do to get it,
Siegfried, please.
Brilliant, brilliant.
You got it, what matter how?
- Grimsdale, Mallaby and now Biggins.
- (knock on door)
- Come in.
- Mr Farnon.
- Hello, Dennis.
- Oh, it's grand, grand to see you all here.
Well, it's grand to see you,
too, Dennis.
- Could you get Dennis a chair?
- Of course.
And so welcoming.
There's always something special
to be had at Farnon and Herriot.
- Medicines, Mr Pratt?
- Oh, and a lot more besides.
- Credit, Mr Pratt?
- And, and credit, yeah! Credit.
(all laugh)
Here's me having a laugh and a joke with
me good friends and I should be at mart.
But I can't go, you see?
I need medicines.
- Medicines, did you say, Dennis?
- But I can't have them, can I?
- There's no one to serve me in surgery.
- True.
But we shall be opening the surgery again
afterthe clients have settled their bills.
Yes, now then, what did we say?
Shall we have a look?
Yes, here we are.
146 pounds, 17 shillings and sixpence.
Let's have a look...
Yes, that's just what it says here exactly,
Mrs Herriot.
Now, I told you
I'd bring in a cheque today.
And is Dennis Pratt
a man to go back on his word?
So, here it is, Mr Farnon,
the cheque as promised.
- Thank you, Dennis.
- Now, perhaps we could, you know, uh...
Oh, your medicines, you mean?
Yes, of course.
We must send you speedily on your way.
Calum, perhaps you'd be kind enough?
It would be a pleasure, Mr Pratt.
The soul of kindness,
that's Farnon and Herriot.
Goodbye, Dennis.
And thank you.
No, thank you, Mr Farnon.
- Dennis.
- (chuckles)
Grimsdale, Mallaby, Biggins and now
this blessed object from Dennis Pratt.
It's marvellous. Oh, Siegfried, I apologise
unreservedly about Major Bullen.
- What do you mean?
- I saw him. He told me he'd settled up.
Ah, yes. We weren't actually all that
successful in that direction, James.
Well, he did pay you,
though, didn't he?
Good heavens,
the man's going broke.
He's hardly in a position
to raise cash for his vet bills.
- Let's have a little charity.
- He told me he'd sorted it out.
He did indeed.
He... he gave me a...
a forwarding address for the bills.
I see. Well, if he didn't come in to pay,
what did he come in for?
He just needed a little help, James,
to ease the transition from here to there.
- What sort of help?
- A little cash. A trifling sum.
You gave him money?!
Sufficient only to allow him and his family
to travel by rail somewhere down south.
(James) Travel by rail?
His Rolls-Royce had been impounded.
He had no alternative means of transport.
Siegfried,
I saw him leave just now in his car.
What do you mean?
The... the Rolls-Royce?
- (James) It's the only one around here.
- He must've conned it back.
Oh, I feel sick.
Well, I...
I admit I may have misjudged the major.
But let's not lose sight of
the magnificence of our achievement.
If the major,
which I still doubt, is dishonest,
then he's a very capable operator.
But by no standards is he
even in the same class as Dennis Pratt
and, after all,
we did land the master.
If ever I was to throw a party
for the clients,
then Dennis Pratt and the major
would be top of the list.
Damnably nice pair,
for all their scoundrelly behav...
What is it, Siegfried?
Helen, how much does
Dennis Pratt owe us?
146 pounds,
17 shillings and sixpence.
- Dennis!
- He's gone, Siegfried.
I'll find him.
I'll throttle him. I'll...
(James) What's the matter?
"To my good friend Mr Farnon,
something on account."
"Yours sincerely, D Pratt."
How much on account?
Five pounds.
- Herriot.
All set, Mr Biggins?
I suppose you'll charge a fortune
for your services?
We discussed all this yesterday.
You get paid for what you do,
and, oddly enough, so do I.
I've been thinking about that.
If you don't want me to operate
on your cow, you have only to say.
See, the thing is, the longer you keep me
here, the more it's going to cost you.
Always got your hand in my pocket,
Mr Herriot.
(sighs) Oh, Helen.
It's a marvellous time to be up there,
you know, especially at dawn.
I don't know
where you find the energy.
What's the loss of sleep
in comparison to the glorious feeling
of treading a world freshly made?
- Morning.
- Morning. I'll be with you in a moment.
Right. Good, good.
Quarterly accounts.
Always an unpredictable time,
especially where Siegfried is concerned.
- Helen.
- Oh, thanks.
Better put the kettle on again.
Once more into the fray.
- Good luck.
- Uh, yes.
(cow moos)
Is she any better today,
Mr Biggins?
That's what I'm paying you to find out.
Yes, it's traumatic reticulitis, all right. She
must've swallowed a wire or something.
If you get some warm water,
I'll get started.
So long as you don't charge me
for that an' all.
She's eaten nowt
for a couple of days.
- Well done. These seem in perfect order.
- I'll post them off today.
The sooner the better.
We need all the cash we can get.
Yes, most of them
are fairly good about paying.
These are a different matter entirely,
I'm afraid. Persistent bad payers.
(kettle whistles)
The kettle's boiling.
(Siegfried) Henry Wilson, £161 .19!
Got it.
There you are, Mr Biggins.
It's a nail.
Lucky it didn't penetrate forward from
the reticulum. Would've affected the heart.
- What are you doing that for?
- It's a rusty old nail.
Don't want it causing
any more damage, do we?
- That is my property.
- I beg your pardon?
That's my property.
Ah, Biggins.
- I trust you're well.
- Very well, thank you, Major.
Jolly good.
Now, Biggins, about those ewes.
You will not find better
in the whole dale, Major, sir.
Yes, fine animals.
I'll have them.
- Thank you, Major.
- Tell me when you're ready to settle up.
No need to worry about that.
Plenty of time.
(Major) Jolly good.
- I'll say goodbye to you both.
- (James) Bye.
Oh, Herriot. My hunter
seems to have gone slightly lame.
- Any chance you'd able to check it out?
- Yes, of course.
- Round about four o'clock?
- Um, yes, I think I can manage that, sir.
Good.
- Goodbye.
- Goodbye, Major.
Mr Biggins?
What are you doing?
I want my nail.
I've got plans for this, tha knows.
(hammering)
Waste not, want not.
(chuckles)
Henry Wilson - Iives like a sultan,
chucks tenners away on cigars,
and it's two years
since we've seen a penny of his money.
Ted Grimsdale - he's got thousands
stashed under his bed, I'm sure of that.
Mallaby -
tight as an owl twice a week.
Not a sou from him
for over a year.
Biggins. Ah, well,
I hold you responsible for Biggins, James.
- Thank you.
- You were there this morning.
Again, you haven't a penny
to show for your time or trouble.
- I can't force him to pay.
- They're all here, all the old gang.
- Dennis Pratt.
- Dennis is such a likable man.
Of course he's a likable man.
I like all of them.
I'd like them more if they paid bills.
It's a miracle this practice stays afloat.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
Helen.
Major Bullen is not at all the sort of man
we want to see on this list.
We've had nothing from him
in three years, Siegfried.
- What?
- Yes. I've mentioned it from time to time.
I'm sure that there's a mistake here.
He probably never got his bills.
He's had the bills. And the reminders.
And the reminders about the reminders.
- They all have.
- He is not the sort who need worry us.
It's this ragbag of fugitives
from the debtors' prison
that should concern us.
Very well.
This is war.
All-out PNS.
- "PNS"?
- Oh, polite, nasty, then solicitors.
Siegfried's system
for getting money out of bad payers.
The polite and nasties are just ignored,
and we have never taken anyone to court
and everyone knows it.
Very well, Helen.
I take it we're all agreed this debt problem
has reached unmanageable proportions?
Not only is it bad for business,
it undermines confidence in the practice
and encourages others to follow suit.
So there's only one option left -
to pick up the gauntlet
that has been thrown down by the enemy.
The Farnon and Herriot blacklist.
You've all got a copy of it.
- Pratt, Mallaby, Biggins.
- (Siegfried) Mm-hm.
Grimsdale.
I'm seeing him this afternoon.
Oh, excellent. Then to you, Calum, falls
the honour of spearheading the attack.
- First over the top, eh?
- Here is Grimsdale's account.
Make sure you take it with you and see
that you slam it into the old rascal's hand
at the time and place of treatment.
- Oh. What then?
- Pressure, Calum.
If for any reason you fail, then you
repeat the procedure at the next visit.
Don't think that you'll be
charging into the breach unsupported.
Helen and I will be softening up the enemy
positions with a thorough PNS barrage.
And if they still fail to pay?
My dear James, confronting the problem
like this, personally, is bound to succeed.
They'll submit, James.
They'll give in.
- What about Major Bullen?
- Ah... What about him, James?
- He ought to be on the list.
- You really think so?
He owes more money
than all the others put together.
- I'm seeing him this afternoon, so...
- No, I'll go and see him.
I want to keep my eye
on that good hunter of his.
- I did give him my word that...
- James, please leave it to me.
Major Bullen is a very agreeable man.
Siegfried, they are all very agreeable men,
except possibly for Biggins.
Why should we treat Major Bullen
any differently? Hm?
Major Bullen is a gentleman, James, and
a gentleman's word is his bond, is it not?
Siegfried.
Oh, very well.
If you insist.
There you are.
Are you satisfied?
Yes, thank you.
(horn beeps)
A very good day to you,
Mr Grimsdale.
I don't see what you've got
to be so chirpy about, young fella.
Don't you?
Well, I'll tell you.
Money, Mr Grimsdale.
Oh, aye?
Today's the day
I give you your bill.
It's the little piece of paper
inside this envelope.
After perusal of same, you will then
pay me the sum of money written upon it.
What do you think of that?
- Aren't you going to open it?
- Hold on, veterinary.
There's something I don't like here.
- Is something wrong?
- By heck, man. Gone down some.
- "Gone down"?
- Aye. Failing fast.
Losing ground
since last time you were here.
I've never felt better, I can assure you.
Why don't you have a look at your bill?
Ooh.
I'd really rather you didn't do that.
I'm not one of your bullocks, you know.
- Off your feed, are you?
- Pardon?
Sweating and trembling
when they turn you out in the morning?
- "Sweating and trembling"?
- Take in a lot of water at night, do you?
Mr Grimsdale.
I know the signs. One minute,
kicking your heels in the field,
the next, nowt but dog meat
in the knacker's yard.
Don't you think
you better look at that?
That can wait, young man.
I want old Muriel looked to
before you keel over.
- This is our Muriel.
- (cow moos)
Well, let's have a look at her, then.
Aye.
Looks like her old friend
the mastitis again.
I tell you what,
while I'm seeing to Muriel, why don't you
have a wee look inside the envelope?
How's that?
(Siegfried) Bring him round,
would you?
- (Major) What's the verdict?
- Well, he's strained his flexor tendon.
He's struck into himself, somehow.
Is it serious?
It's not too dreadful.
I'll give him a shot to take the swelling
down and leave you some ointment.
- Of course, what he really wants is rest.
- Excellent. Thank you, Farnon.
Ah, I almost forgot.
Uh, this is for you.
I thought I might as well
drop it in by hand.
Yes?
It's a small reminder
of the present state of your account.
That time again?
That contains all the charges
up to the end of the June quarter.
Really?
Matter of fact,
it stretches back a considerable time.
Something seems to have slipped through
the net. Easily put right, though.
- Thank you.
- I'll make you out a cheque straightaway.
Well, that would be, uh...
Thank you.
- Of course. Just hold on a moment.
- That's enormously kind.
Damn!
I don't seem to have it on me.
(vehicle engine)
(Major) Ah, there you are, Mallock.
You can take him on now. There's
the ointment. You know how to use it.
Major. Veterinary.
Now then, Jeff. Makes a change to see
you carting the living instead of the dead.
Just doing a favour for the major,
veterinary.
Delivering some stock
he bought off old Biggins.
- Oh, yes?
- Thank you for delivering them.
I'm sorry I were a bit late, Major.
I were in town...
Not to worry. It was very decent of you
to put yourself out on my account.
Well, no trouble at all, sir.
No trouble at all.
I'd be most obliged if you'd drop them off
in the bottom meadow for me.
It'd be a pleasure, Major.
A pleasure.
Oh, of course,
you'll want some cash.
Ah, easier said than done.
Never seem to have it on me
when I need it.
I'll tell you what,
I'll get my wife to write you a cheque.
Of course,
you only deal in cash, don't you?
Well, normally, yes, sir. But seeing as it's
you, Major, I can make a little exception.
Right, I'll show you the way.
Oh, I think you'd better
hold on to this, Farnon.
I'm absolutely hopeless
with bits of paper.
Marvellous.
Right you are, Mallock.
(Calum) Well...
what do you think?
Right enough, it must be a bit of a shock
to see it build up like that.
Of course, uh, we could always consider
a small discount if you paid now.
However,
if you delay, I'm afraid
you'll have to pay the full amount.
It's on account they're not
feeding thee properly, tha knows.
- I'm sorry?
- I've seen no end of good types fail.
Uh, can we stick to
the subject of your bill, please?
There we go again,
always money, money, money,
and no thought of keeping yourself
from going under.
- That's absurd.
- Listen here.
When I saw you come into my yard,
I said to meself:
"That lad's failed
over the last month or two."
Bound to rub off, isn't it,
unless you get the proper trough.
Oh, what does it matter?
You won't listen, will you?
(laughs)
- Siegfried?
- Hello, Helen. James, good morning.
Well, did the major cough up?
Ah, no,
not exactly, James.
Ah.
Wriggled out of it again, did he?
Well, I hardly think "wriggled"
is the appropriate word to apply.
No, I gave the matter further consideration
and decided not to press for payment.
And you didn't give him his bill, I see.
Oh, good Lord, no.
What you told me about Biggins gladly
giving him credit made an impression.
When I came across a similar occurrence
at first hand with Mallock...
- Not Mallock as well?
- Exactly.
Those two, you see,
seem to have the measure of the man.
Only the utmost integrity could inspire
their confidence, and to such a degree.
Well, I think you'll agree, when men
like that make generous gestures,
the practice can hardly do less.
- (front door opens)
- Ah, sounds like a client.
Oh, Helen, you've got the post. That's
wonderful. It wasn't here when I arrived.
Let's just see...
Yes. Farnon, Farnon, Herriot...
- Oh...
- (clears throat)
- Oh. Now then, Mr Herriot.
- Hello, Dennis.
- All right to come now?
- Yes. Sorry to keep you waiting.
Don't worry about it. Do you think I mind
summat like that after all you do for me?
- Morning, James.
- Calum.
- Mr Pratt.
- Morning, Mr Buchanan.
Ee, Mr Buchanan,
I'll tell you summat for nowt,
if a new chap like you learns even a little
of the ways of Farnon and Herriot,
you'll be a better man for it,
young fella.
- What can we do for you, Dennis?
- Well, it's me old sow Marlene, Mr Herriot.
She's got this bad rash
that Mr Farnon's been seeing to.
- It's got worse, has it?
- No, but she's not herself.
Now, with her pig lotion all used up...
- Well, you'll need some more, will you?
- You've read my mind, Mr Herriot.
Do you see what I'm on about?
He knows what I need even afore I says it.
- It's Mr Biggins on the phone for you.
- Nice to see you, Mrs Herriot.
Don't mind me. Get on with it.
This young man will see me right.
Ah, thanks a lot, Dennis.
Um... Calum?
Yes?
Won't be a moment, Mr Pratt.
Your wish, my command,
Mr Buchanan.
- Dennis Pratt.
- Top of the blacklist.
Don't give him anything
until he pays up.
Just you leave it to me, James.
Good luck.
Mr Biggins,
sorry to keep you waiting.
I know that you think
I'm made of brass, veterinary.
- What can I do foryou?
- There's a cow you might want to see.
- Oh, yes? A cow, MrBiggins?
- Aye, veterinary.
- And why might I want to do that?
- Well, I... I don't know.
- I think you do.
- Well, maybe she does want looking at.
- Not the cow I operated on the other day?
- No, no, no.
Another beast.
She's blown up as tight as a drum.
Right, well, I better come out
and have a look at her, hadn't I?
- I'm not so sure about that, veterinary.
- It sounds like the animal needs attention.
Yes, I thought you'd say that.
Well, I don't know.
Bloat in a cow is very urgent.
I am coming out now.
There you go again! Always trying
to get your hand down in my pocket.
- Do you want me to come out or not?
- That's what I'm ringing you for, isn't it?!
There's a blown cow at Biggins'.
Have you got his bill?
- (Helen) It's in the surgery.
- I didn't see it.
Oh.
- Sorry, here it is.
- Ah. Thanks.
- For all the good it'll do.
- I have got Mr Biggins on the run.
I don't share your optimism.
They have money,
it's persuading them to part with it.
It's like Dennis Pratt.
I saw him in the bank this morning.
- He's in the surgery, buying pig lotion.
- He's here?
Don't worry, Siegfried.
Calum is sorting it out.
- Dennis Pratt.
- (laughs)
- The list of medicines he's had.
- He did pay for the pig lotion?
- No, nor for the other stuff.
- What other stuff?
There's over £20 worth
of medicines here, Calum.
I tried. I tried to make him understand,
but there's no getting through to the man.
And you didn't
give him his bill either, I see.
Well, I just...
I just couldn't do it, James.
- Where is he now?
- In the surgery, packing up his medicines.
- James, give him his bill this instant.
- Me? Come on.
- You'd just let him walk out of here?
- He's as much your client as he is mine.
- Calum, I insist you redeem your utterly...
- Siegfried, he is inhuman.
- James.
- No.
- (door closes)
- He's leaving, Siegfried.
Dennis!
- Bye.
- Dennis!
Ah, Dennis.
A word, if you please.
- At your service, Mr Farnon.
- James, the door, would you?
Ah, I see that Mr Buchanan gave you your
pig lotion, and a good deal else besides.
- Just a few odds and ends from stock.
- Quite an expensive little purchase.
I'd rather hurt me purse
than the health of me animals, Mr Farnon.
Of course, of course.
In that case, why don't you settle up?
- Settle up?
- Yes, clear all the accounts rendered.
Since we are
sweeping the decks here in...
There's no need to explain,
Mr Farnon.
No one knows better than me the trials
you have with some folk over bills.
As I was driving here,
I said to meself, "Dennis," I says,
"if it weren't for what veterinary does,
you'd have gone under years since."
- Thank you, Dennis.
- Fair do's, Mr Farnon.
"Do unto others as you would others
would do unto you", that's my motto.
If tha says "settle up" to me,
then a settling up we're going to have.
- You mean you wish to pay your bill?
- I can take a hint.
- I didn't mean to...
- Of course you didn't.
What's friendship for if you can't say
what's on your mind? Where's me bill?
Helen?
Oh, I have it here, Dennis.
Thanks. Oh, I say!
Things have run on some,
haven't they?
Hm... Seems like only yesterday
we had our last reckoning.
Never mind, we'll soon get it sorted out.
Where's me chequebook? Here we are.
- Oh, pen, Mr Pratt.
- Oh, thank you, Mrs Herriot.
Now then... Oh.
- Well, isn't that just my luck?
- What's up, Dennis?
I must've used up the last one
when I paid for cattle cake this morning.
- What? Siegfried, excuse me. Could I...?
- Helen, just a moment, please.
Am I to understand that you have
no means of settling your account?
No, not right away, Mr Farnon.
But I'll be back again on market day
and we'll sort it all out then.
Tell you what I'll do, I'll put this bill in here
where it won't come to any harm.
- But Dennis...!
- Don't go fretting yourself, Mr Farnon.
It'll be as safe
as the crown jewels in there.
It's always a pleasure
to do business with Farnon and Herriot.
I must be on me way.
Did you see it?
That wallet,
stuffed tight with our unpaid bills.
We had him.
We had him on the hook.
- And he ran out of cheques.
- But did he?
I've been trying to tell you,
I saw him in the bank this morning.
I distinctly saw his chequebook then,
and it wasn't that tatty remnant
he just waved under your nose, Siegfried.
Dennis!
Dennis!
(James) She's badly blown.
How long's she been like this?
Since early this morning.
- What are you feeding her?
- I put her in the bottom pasture.
There's plenty of good keep there.
I haven't left her in all that long.
It's probably "the good keep"
that's caused the problem.
Fermenting in her stomach, you see?
I'll have to try and relieve it.
Always find summat to do,
don't you, Mr Herriot?
It's causing her pain.
It's got to be done.
This is for you.
It's your bill.
When do you think
you'll be able to settle up?
- How the heck do I know?
- Shall we say market day?
- What if I don't?
- Ah.
Then we'd have to assume
you're trying to avoid payment.
A fat lot of sleep
I'm going to lose about that, aren't I?
Do you mean
you'd rather let the courts sort it out?
Courts? What courts?
Law courts, Mr Biggins.
(hissing)
Everybody is talking about
Siegfried's blitz on the bad payers.
There's even a rumour someone's opened
a book on whether Dennis Pratt will pay.
He's proved it a million times -
Dennis is an irresistible force.
I think you let them
get away with murder.
I do not.
I've got Biggins on the spot.
Really? When do we see
the colour of his money?
- Ah, well...
- Exactly.
Helen's right, you know, James.
It's results that matter.
- What about you and Grimsdale?
- I can handle Grimsdale.
- He's got your measure, Calum.
- No, no, no.
Strength of character,
that's how to deal with him.
Now then.
(cow moos)
Right. You'll have no more trouble
from Muriel's mastitis.
But you'll have it from me if you poke me
with that damn stick again, understand?
Aye, but...
You pay your bill on market day.
Ah. On market day, Mr Grimsdale.
(laughs)
- No improvement I'm afraid, Mr Biggins.
- That should please you then, veterinary.
Zach Hawkins reckons there's nowt wrong
that one of his mixtures couldn't fix.
Oh, really? Well, I've seen the way
his mixtures fix - permanently.
You would say that,
wouldn't you?
I've had it up to here with folks
trying to put me down.
People like you and that Major Bullen.
Two of a kind, you are.
- Major Bullen?
- Aye.
Took me for six good ewes,
did that so-called gentleman.
What do you mean?
I mean that his cheque bounced
like lndia rubber.
- He's bankrupt.
- What?
Aye.
Bankrupt. Bust.
Never had owt,
bar his la-di-da ways.
That's always the same
with high and mighty folk,
trying to keep
the little man down.
Oh, so he owed you brass an' all, did he?
Yes.
Well, tha best frame thasen
and cure my only good cow, hadn't you?
Afore you lose another job. Pah!
Actinobacillosis
of the reticulum.
Hm.
(chatter)
It's not funny.
If it's true, he won't paying our bill either.
Rumour, James.
Merely rumour.
Small communities positively thrive on
gossip. The poor major's a sitting duck.
I'd heard he can't get credit
anywhere now.
The bank wants his house,
the garage impounded his Rolls-Royce.
- You seem extraordinarily well-informed.
- I have been investigating.
So the major
is in temporary financial difficulties.
It happens, James,
even in the best-regulated families.
Trust, James. Trust.
One of the most precious
of human attributes.
Siegfried, I'm sorry, I would love to stay
and debate this, but Mr Biggins awaits.
Biggins?
Biggins's cheque, James.
You simply must get him to cough up.
- I'll do my best, Siegfried.
- Excellent.
Excellent.
Now to our disposition.
Calum, give me a hand.
Get the sofa round here,
right up against the wall, out of the way,
so that there's a great open space here
and our crowd
will face an intimidating approach.
Helen, you will sit on my right hand,
the angel of light and mercy.
Calum, dour and grim of visage,
the exterminating angel,
you will sit on my left hand.
The delightful and the horrific
combining to irresistible effect.
I, of course,
will occupy
a slightly higher position,
providing a magisterial presence...
in the centre.
Right, then, Calum.
Wheel them in, if you please.
Calum.
Mr Biggins!
That's my beauty.
(cow moos)
Well?
- What do you think?
- She looks as good as ever she'll be.
It was a moment of sheer inspiration.
That wasn't typical bloat, you know. No.
She must've swallowed something,
damaging the stomach which got infected.
- Thus causing actinobacillosis.
- Tha didn't cure my cow, Mr Herriot.
Sorry?
I gave her a dose of Zach Hawkins'
mixture. That's what fixed her.
Any mixture of Zach Hawkins'
is dangerous rubbish.
Aye, but it did the job, didn't it?
The injection of sodium iodide
cured the cow.
No, veterinary!
Now, you listen to me. I have worried
myself sick trying to help that animal.
Well, I'm still sick - sick of your whingeing
and sick of your tightfisted way.
So...
who cured your cow,
Mr Biggins?
All right.
What if you did?
Pay for the treatment and the rest you
owe, which you promised to pay today.
That's quite right. It's high time
that the slate was wiped clean.
I'll tell you what, veterinary, come up to
the house now and I'll write you a cheque.
Thank you very much,
Mr Biggins.
Thank you.
Next.
- Name?
- "Name"?
- Name, please.
- What the hell are you playing at, Farnon?
Oh, it's you, Mr Mallaby.
Well, it's not ruddy
Hopalong Cassidy, is it?
Merely trying to observe
good business practice, Mr Mallaby.
- What the heck is he staring at?
- Let's stick to the matter in hand.
Don't seem to be all there,
that chap.
Now, I see that your account
is considerably overdue.
- We did write to you about it.
- Was that a red job?
- (Helen) Yes, that's right.
- Never look at red jobs.
Toss 'em in the bin
with the rest of rubbish. Aye.
Always leave the settling up
till market day.
It's many a market day
since we've seen you, Mr Mallaby.
It includes your arrears to date,
Mr Mallaby.
Why, thank you.
Helen, would you be kind enough
to fill that in for Mr Mallaby?
By God, Farnon.
Out for blood today, you are.
Thank you.
If you could sign...
Thank you.
Thank you, Mr Mallaby.
Always a pleasure
to receive recognition from valued clients,
however late in the day.
Hard as flint.
That's what you are, Farnon.
Hard as flint!
Hard as flint.
Well done, Calum.
If there are more awkward clients, I shall
be in the surgery. Well done, both of you.
Steadiness
in the face of the enemy.
Come in, veterinary.
Come in.
- You know our Hilda, don't you?
- (James) Hello, Mrs Biggins.
Now then, now then.
Your cheque.
Well, you'll soon be able to pay
some of your bills now, won't you?
There we are.
There.
There we are, then.
Thank you.
- It's all there, tha knows.
- Yes.
Yes, so it is.
Thanks.
- That looks good.
- Aye.
Right.
Now, I'll tell you what,
since we've cleared the air between us,
why don't you stay and have a bite
with me and the missus?
She'd like that, wouldn't you, Hilda? She
likes to share her table, does our Hilda.
- And there's always plenty to go round.
- Well, that's extremely kind, but...
Oh, no, Mr Herriot.
You can't hold back with us.
In that case, thank you, I will.
To tell you the truth, I'm starving.
Right. Well, you take a seat
and I'll fetch doings.
Right. Thanks.
Put bird on table, Hilda.
Right. Now then, veterinary,
which is it to be?
Well, the turkey looks delicious.
I like a chap as knows his mind. You'll
want a bit of summat to wash it down.
Go and get beer, Hilda.
There.
Right.
Don't you wait for us, veterinary.
Get stuck in
and help yourself to vegetables.
Well, if you're quite sure?
(James) Thank you.
Aren't you having turkey,
Mr Biggins?
No, thank you.
We prefer the beef.
Next.
- Ah, Mr Grimsdale.
- Nice to see you again, Mr Grimsdale.
- I'm not paying it.
- Not paying what?
- This here.
- Let's have a look at it, shall we?
This bill is correct, Mr Grimsdale.
I'm not paying
for something I didn't have.
- And what didn't you have, Mr Grimsdale?
- Them things there.
You did have several cows cleansed in
the spring, Mr Grimsdale. That's for those.
I had me cows cleansed, all right,
I expect to pay for it,
but I didn't have
no ruddy doodoos.
- "Doodoos"?
- Aye, them.
Whole ruddy list of 'em.
High an' all, costing.
- What's a "doodoo"?
- Do you mean these?
Aye, them.
Doodoos.
Those are dittos.
They're not treatments.
It's a quick way of repeating the same
information. I'm afraid this is correct.
- You mean I have to pay for 'em?
- We all have to pay for our doodoos.
Right.
I better be off.
Wonderful lunch.
Thank you both very much.
A pleasure to have you share it,
veterinary.
Oh, right.
Well, goodbye.
Hold on, hold on.
I've got a little something here for you.
- For me?
- Aye.
Oh.
I'd like you
to get shut of these for me, please.
No, really,
I couldn't possibly, but...
- Mr Biggins, these birds...
- Aye. Summat's killed 'em.
Correct.
They're diseased.
(Biggins) Yes, I know.
That's why I gave them to you
to get shut of for me.
I see.
Yes, of course.
- Oh, my God.
- Summat wrong?
That turkey I ate
wasn't one of these, was it?
You don't have to worry about that.
Everything tastes same at finish.
Diseased birds. Now, look,
did you cook one of these or didn't you?
Well, if I did,
you wouldn't be standing there.
Oh.
Or would you?
But you'd know the answer to that,
wouldn't you, veterinary?
He's here.
- He's here.
- Who's here, Siegfried?
Dennis Pratt. He's out there laughing
like a man on a holiday.
Well, I hope he intends to come in here.
He must.
We'll be the laughing stock of Darrowby.
I could always go out
and ask him to step inside.
No, thank you, Calum. He gave us
his word we would have his cheque today.
We must possess our souls in patience.
Thank you.
I've got to go.
Major Bullen's in the surgery.
- Hello, Herriot.
- Hello, Major.
I popped in to sort out the account
before we left Darrowby.
That's very decent of you.
Are you leaving for good?
Oh, yes.
On to pastures new.
- Well, made rather a hash of things here.
- I'm sorry things didn't go better for you.
Game of life, Herriot. No choice
but to play the hand as it comes.
Thank you for your enormous help
and support over these past few years.
- You'll be greatly missed, Major.
- Thank you.
Well, goodbye and good luck.
Goodbye, sir.
Hello, Bob.
There we are.
And another one.
Now then.
- Hello.
- (Siegfried) Well, James?
Well, what?
- Biggins, James.
- Ah, yes.
The cow has actinobacillosis
of the reticulum.
(sniggers)
And here... is his cheque.
I don't believe it.
James, how?
Don't ask me what I had to do to get it,
Siegfried, please.
Brilliant, brilliant.
You got it, what matter how?
- Grimsdale, Mallaby and now Biggins.
- (knock on door)
- Come in.
- Mr Farnon.
- Hello, Dennis.
- Oh, it's grand, grand to see you all here.
Well, it's grand to see you,
too, Dennis.
- Could you get Dennis a chair?
- Of course.
And so welcoming.
There's always something special
to be had at Farnon and Herriot.
- Medicines, Mr Pratt?
- Oh, and a lot more besides.
- Credit, Mr Pratt?
- And, and credit, yeah! Credit.
(all laugh)
Here's me having a laugh and a joke with
me good friends and I should be at mart.
But I can't go, you see?
I need medicines.
- Medicines, did you say, Dennis?
- But I can't have them, can I?
- There's no one to serve me in surgery.
- True.
But we shall be opening the surgery again
afterthe clients have settled their bills.
Yes, now then, what did we say?
Shall we have a look?
Yes, here we are.
146 pounds, 17 shillings and sixpence.
Let's have a look...
Yes, that's just what it says here exactly,
Mrs Herriot.
Now, I told you
I'd bring in a cheque today.
And is Dennis Pratt
a man to go back on his word?
So, here it is, Mr Farnon,
the cheque as promised.
- Thank you, Dennis.
- Now, perhaps we could, you know, uh...
Oh, your medicines, you mean?
Yes, of course.
We must send you speedily on your way.
Calum, perhaps you'd be kind enough?
It would be a pleasure, Mr Pratt.
The soul of kindness,
that's Farnon and Herriot.
Goodbye, Dennis.
And thank you.
No, thank you, Mr Farnon.
- Dennis.
- (chuckles)
Grimsdale, Mallaby, Biggins and now
this blessed object from Dennis Pratt.
It's marvellous. Oh, Siegfried, I apologise
unreservedly about Major Bullen.
- What do you mean?
- I saw him. He told me he'd settled up.
Ah, yes. We weren't actually all that
successful in that direction, James.
Well, he did pay you,
though, didn't he?
Good heavens,
the man's going broke.
He's hardly in a position
to raise cash for his vet bills.
- Let's have a little charity.
- He told me he'd sorted it out.
He did indeed.
He... he gave me a...
a forwarding address for the bills.
I see. Well, if he didn't come in to pay,
what did he come in for?
He just needed a little help, James,
to ease the transition from here to there.
- What sort of help?
- A little cash. A trifling sum.
You gave him money?!
Sufficient only to allow him and his family
to travel by rail somewhere down south.
(James) Travel by rail?
His Rolls-Royce had been impounded.
He had no alternative means of transport.
Siegfried,
I saw him leave just now in his car.
What do you mean?
The... the Rolls-Royce?
- (James) It's the only one around here.
- He must've conned it back.
Oh, I feel sick.
Well, I...
I admit I may have misjudged the major.
But let's not lose sight of
the magnificence of our achievement.
If the major,
which I still doubt, is dishonest,
then he's a very capable operator.
But by no standards is he
even in the same class as Dennis Pratt
and, after all,
we did land the master.
If ever I was to throw a party
for the clients,
then Dennis Pratt and the major
would be top of the list.
Damnably nice pair,
for all their scoundrelly behav...
What is it, Siegfried?
Helen, how much does
Dennis Pratt owe us?
146 pounds,
17 shillings and sixpence.
- Dennis!
- He's gone, Siegfried.
I'll find him.
I'll throttle him. I'll...
(James) What's the matter?
"To my good friend Mr Farnon,
something on account."
"Yours sincerely, D Pratt."
How much on account?
Five pounds.