All Creatures Great and Small (1978–1990): Season 1, Episode 5 - Out of Practice - full transcript

So you finally asked her out?

I didn't handle it well
but yes, we have a date.

You don't seem very pleased.
- I'm not sure Helen wants to go out.

She accepted.
- I didn't let her refuse.

James, have more confidence
in yourself.

It's not a question of confidence,

I'm just not sure
the time is right, that's all.

Well, you've taken the plunge now,
my boy.

So what's your plan?

Plan?
- Yes, plan.

In my experience, the first date with
a woman is the make or break time -

the event that separates the winners
from the also-rans.

You do want to succeed?
- Yes, of course.

Success doesn't just happen.
It has to be planned.

Have you decided where to take her?
- Well, I...

No, not yet.

Believe me, you're in trouble
if you keep being this casual.

Where do you suggest
I take her, then?

It must be somewhere special.
Somewhere she'll never forget.

Yes, but Darrowby
doesn't glitter with nightlife.

Forget Darrowby.
No, you take her out of town.

In fact, James,
take her to the Reniston.

The Reniston?

The most luxurious hotel
outside of London.

Aye.
- The dinner dance there!

It's a brilliant idea.
- I can't afford your ideas.

So it costs you a packet, so what?

Helen will know
you're a man of refinement,

not some yokel vet
with carbolic in his veins.

Quiet, you greedy muck-makers

or you'll all stay hungry!

The sooner we get rid of that lot
the better.

Home-raised bacon is a joke.
- Siegfried likes the idea.

He's full of bright ideas.
He doesn't have to look after...

James, I've got some driving for you.

What's that smell?

All right, James,
when you're ready, please.

Siegfried nailed up that sign.
If he catches you smoking...

If, my boy, if.

Siegfried, you see,
lacks the basic cunning.

He'll have to get up pretty early
to catch me.

Ah, yes, the pigsty.

I think a thorough mucking out
is called for.

It's your turn to muck out!
- Not now! You know the rules!

No smoking in the surgery!
- You're smoking.

It's entirely different.
I'm passing through.

Come on, James! Off we go.

It's all right, old thing.
It's all right.

Now, what are you doing
all the way out here?

You're lost, aren't you?

Let me take a look at your paw.
Let's look at your feet.

Come on. We'd better get
those paws seen to.

Up we go, old thing.
There we go. That's it.

Come on.

Good boy.

Good dog.

He's a grand little dog, James.

What on earth
are we going to do with him?

We could send him to
the police kennels, of course,

but if he's not claimed,
we're back where we started.

Couldn't we ask round?

Trouble is, nobody wants a dog
and there's one going spare.

Exactly. He was dumped, wasn't he?
It makes me so angry.

I know who'd take him -
Sister Rose at Tupley Banks Hospital.

Sister Rose?
- I read it in the local rag.

Something about her caring for
stray animals in her spare time.

She's got up a sort of
a voluntary animal shelter, James.

This should be right up her street.

Curious. You've got Tricki-Woo
at one end of the scale

and this blighter at the other.

I'll give Sister Rose
a buzz straightaway.

Come on, old thing. Here we go.

He'll be as right as rain
as soon as he's slept it off.

Have you spoken to Helen?
- I rang her earlier.

The Reniston's on, then?
- Yes.

Atta boy! How did she react?

Pretty oddly, now I think of it.

Kept asking
if I was sure I wanted to go there.

She's impressed.
- That's not what I got.

More like she was questioning
my sanity - with good reason.

This'll put me in hock
for about a month's wages.

So what if it costs a lot?
Think of the fun you'll have.

You and Helen full of lobster,
smooching to all that oozy music.

Do I have to book
for this dinner dance?

No, you just turn up.
Do you have the right gear?

Yes. I hope it's all right.
I haven't worn it for years.

Don't worry, my boy.
You've got it made.

Good morning. Is Mr Farnon in?
- He's at breakfast, ma'am.

Could you tell him Sister Rose
from the shelter is here?

Come in.

I told you! Price of pig meat's
gone up again.

Cleverest thing we did
buying those pigs.

I take it you do not agree.
- You try looking after them.

Anybody with half a brain could cope.

Sister Rose to see you.
- It'll be for you, James.

Right.

If you think that,
why don't you look after them?

The trouble with you, Tristan,

is that you lack...
a positive... approach.

Good morning.

Sister Rose?

James Herriot.
- Oh, yes.

Mr Farnon said you found the dog.

Yes. He was on the road to Broughton.

His pads are torn but he's fine.

He had no identification?
- No.

The police
had no report of him missing.

He's been well looked after.
- Yes.

There are no obvious signs
of cruelty or neglect.

Will you be able
to find a home for him?

I'm sure we will. At least,
we'll have a jolly good try.

With all your hospital work,
how do you find time for animals?

Someone has to do it, Mr Herriot.

In my case, it started
when I found a pregnant bitch

who'd been dumped from a moving car.

Finding homes for the puppies,

people assumed
I was in the business of strays.

Then there was no going back.
- But how do you feed them all?

Oh, I run little dog shows,
coffee mornings, jumble sales -

anything to get extra cash.
- Even so, it can't be easy.

My charges tend to munch themselves
into the red. But we manage.

I'm very grateful to you
for taking him in.

Come on, old thing.

Up we go. That's it.

Pip. I think
I'll call him Pip, Mr Herriot.

It helps if they have a name.

Pip. Pip. Pip.

Right, you little pipsqueak.

Time we were off.
- I hope you find him a home.

I'm sure we will. Goodbye.
- Goodbye.

Perfect.
- Perfect?!

The wretched thing doesn't fit!

It's too late to hire one.
- Nonsense. You look marvellous.

My word, James, you look
out for the kill. Anyone I know?

He's giving Helen Alderson a whirl.

So that's what
all those secret confabs

with little brother were about!

I approve, James, but be warned -

many are called but few are chosen
with that young lady.

Thank you for your encouragement.

I must be off to look in on Mother.

Good luck, James.
- Thank you.

You're gonna need it.

Come on, boy.

Well, I'd better be off too, Tris.

Have you got everything?
Cash? Chequebook?

Yes. Everything.

Remember - confidence, assurance
but above all, boldness,

and the day,
if not the night, is yours.

I only wish that...

Hello, Helen.
I'm not too early, am I?

No, of course not.

What a wretched evening.
- Yes. Well, shall we go?

I'm sorry. Yes, of course.

That's it.

Thank you.

How are the roads?

There's a bit of flooding
but nothing to worry about.

We're off, then!

Cold?
- No. Just a bit of a draught.

I meant to get
those floorboards fixed.

I'm fine, really.
- At least it stopped raining.

Puncture, I think.

Yes, it seems so.

Oh!

Are you all right?

Oh.

What are you going to do?

Mend the puncture.

I mean, about those shoes of yours.

I'm not sure
there's anything I can do.

You'll have to change them.
- They're all I've got.

But they're soaking wet.

It's OK. I'll mend the puncture,

take them off and they'll dry out
before we get there.

Don't be absurd.
Mend the puncture and we'll go home.

My father has dress shoes
you can borrow.

It's stopped raining.
- Yes.

Good evening.

Good evening.

How are the shoes?
- Fine. Fine.

They pinch just a trifle
but they're fine.

Do you think they're suitable?

Well, at least they're dry.
- Yes.

We seem to be the only people here
in evening clothes.

Waiter, we'd like to book
for the dinner dance, please.

Dinner dance?
You must be mistaken, sir.

Dinner dances do not commence
until September

unless by special arrangement.

But Tristan said...

It doesn't matter, James.

Well, at least we can eat.
You do want to eat, don't you?

We might as well.
- You do want to stay?

Certainly. If I'm still invited.

Yes. Yes, of course.

Thank you very much. Thank you.

Oh, God, Siegfried!

James! Fancy seeing you!

Helen!
- Hello, Mr Farnon.

You look absolutely devastating.

You watch for out for this
Scots colleague of mine.

Still waters run deep, you know.

What on earth is on your feet?
- It's a long story.

Is it? Well, I mustn't dawdle.
I promised to look in on... Mother.

So have the most enormous fun.
- Thank you.

What an extraordinary chance
seeing you. Jill, come with me.

I know, we'll have a drink.

Shall we go in?
- Yes.

There we are.

You booked, sir?

No, sorry. A table for two, please.

You are staying, sir?
- Staying?

Yes, we're staying, aren't we? Yes.

This way, sir.
- Thank you.

Thank you.

Your room number, please, sir?
- Room number?

You are staying, sir?
- Oh! That staying!

No, we're staying to eat, that is.

Not staying.
- No.

Perhaps you would care to order, sir?

Yes. Well, let's see.

Yours, I believe, sir.

It's too painful.
I don't want to talk about it.

Rubbish! Course you do.
What went wrong?

Just about everything.
- But it was perfectly planned.

It was a disaster!
I shouldn't have asked her out.

Let's examine what went wrong.

Now, tell me, how did you part
when you took her home?

Somewhat silently.

Not even a good-night kiss?
- A handshake.

A handshake? James, this is 1937!

Handshakes went out
with the Gladstone Bags.

Face it, she doesn't fancy me.
- As bad as that?

Worse. There was no dinner dance.

Don't brood.
- I want to forget it.

So you shall.
I personally shall see to it.

How?
- Just leave it to me.

What's all that?

Siegfried's inspecting
our hand-reared bacon.

Blast them!

What have I done?

Why are you in here while I'm being
trampled to death by your pigs?

My pigs?

What happened?
- They've gone. Stampeded.

Running wild. Even now,
savaging the inhabitants of Darrowby.

It's entirely his fault.
- I've been here all morning.

Exactly!
You should've been out there!

They're your pigs. You bought them.

Then I'll unbuy them.
Now get out there and get them back.

When you have, sell the lot!
- With pleasure.

What are you doing, James?
Don't be silly.

James, know that Gipsy
encampment by the river?

Yes.
- Go there when you've finished.

There's a pony needs looking at.

You're much better
with horses than I am.

I know but I've got too much on
and this seems urgent.

The chap's name is Myatt.

Now make absolutely sure
that you get paid.

These chaps never stay put.
- Fair enough.

Something wrong, Siegfried?

Have you the faintest idea how
much that stuff costs per foot?

And that dusting powder
you're so generously chucking about?

Sorry, I was just doing
what I thought was right.

Of course you were.
And I do appreciate it.

But one day, you're going to have
your own practice.

Then you'll learn about
the economic side of things.

So be a good fella and watch it.
All right?

Yes? Good.

Good Lord. Look at this. Filthy.

Mrs Hall!

Hello. Hello there.
Could you open the gate, please?

Thank you.
Where are the Gipsies staying?

Over there.
- Thank you.

Mr Myatt?
- Aye.

James Herriot.
I believe you have a sick pony here.

You'll be the vet, then.
- That's right.

Thanks.

Thanks, Mr Myatt.
Now may I see the pony, please?

Over in t'paddock.

All right, come on.
Let's see if we can get him to move.

Come on. Oh!

All right, leave it.

I'll give him a shot
of something to ease the pain.

He will get well, won't he, sir?

We'll do what we can for him.

Anything I can do?

You can soak his feet in cold water

and you can dose him with this
every four hours.

I've seen horses lose their hooves
and die of this sickness.

It's the children, Mr Herriot.
- Yes, I know.

I'll have a look
at him again tomorrow.

♪ Oh, little pigs,
they grunt and howl

♪ The dogs bow-wow,
the cats meow

♪ Everybody makes a row
down on Jollity Farm ♪

You sound happy.
- It's a glorious day, James.

The last supper
for the evil muck-makers.

They're going?
- Yes.

They're off to the bacon factory.

Life here won't be the same
without them.

It really is for the best.

I know but somehow,
I'll miss 'em. Won't you?

Yes. Still,
domestic harmony is one thing

and bacon quite another.

And ne'er the twain shall meet.

Oh, by the way, before I forget.

It's all fixed up for Saturday.
- What's fixed up?

You are. We all are. We're going
to that young farmer's dance.

What's all this "we" business?

You know Brenda?
- Your nurse friend.

I set you up with her mate, Connie.

A blind date? Forget it.
- Stop flapping.

Believe me, it's just what you need.

There's no sense
in mooning about over Helen.

Show her - others are keen
even if she's not.

Besides, you'll like Connie.

She's heard all about you
and she's raring to go.

Oh. What's she like?
- Wait and see.

Right, you greedy pigs!

For the last time, come and get it.

Come and get it!

From Myatt.
- Oh.

That's very good.

He's a nice bloke, Siegfried.
Very concerned about his animal.

What's the trouble?

The worst case
of laminitis I've seen.

I couldn't move the pony at all.

Acute laminitis. No hope, then?

I did the usual things
but nothing worked.

Even if it survives the acute stage,

it's bound to end up
with deformed feet, grooved hooves.

Yes, it is.
- I wish we could do something.

Until our present knowledge improves,
there isn't much.

I was hoping
that you could do something.

You do have a special way
with horses.

When are you going out again?
- Tomorrow.

Well, there is one thing I could try.

What's that?

I'd better not tell you.
You'd probably disapprove.

Damn thing's round here.

Darrowby 85.

Oh, aye, Sister Rose.

Will you hold on
and I'll see if I can find him?

Don't take it out of the room.

Mr Herriot.
Sister Rose on t'phone for you.

Oh. Take it for me, will you, Tris?

Right you are.

What is this?
Your own animal inquisition kit?

It belonged to old Grafts,
my predecessor.

Not much call for this sort of thing
in these scientific days. Ah!

A fleam? You're going to bleed
Myatt's pony?

That treatment went out with the Ark.

Now, now, James,
don't knock me about the head.

You said yourself
the usual treatments hadn't worked.

Have you used it before?
- Once or twice.

And?
- There's no telling what may happen

but curious things can
when you use this little outfit.

Yes.

Sister Rose is very upset, James.

What's wrong?
- That stray dog you found.

She's kept it indoors
and today it found an open window.

Oh, no!
- I said we'd alert the local people.

Poor little beggar.

Never mind, James. Can't win 'em all.

We'll just have to see what
we can do with Myatt's pony.

Any change, Mr Myatt?
- No. No change.

Well, let's have a look at him,
shall we?

Ah. Er...

Thank you.

Hello, you two.
- Hello.

Right, then, Mr Myatt,
let's see what we can do.

The rope, James.

Right, then, old boy.

Come on. Come on.
Come on. Here you go.

Take a hank of that, will you?
- Mm-hm.

Thank you, James.

Tighten the rope, James.

That's it!
There we go. There we go.

That's it.

Slacken the rope.

Is that it?
- That's it.

It hasn't made any difference.

It'll take a while to work.
- If it works.

It's in the lap of the gods now.

All right, stitch it up,
if you please, James.

What the devil are you up to, James?

What do you mean?
- Using little bits of gear.

You mean my new economy measures.
- Economy?

Are you out of your mind?
Get out of the way.

Cotton wool.

Powder.

Sorry to push you out
like that, James,

but you were like an old hen

fussing about with those
piddling amounts of materials.

You said...
- No excuses.

James, believe me, in this game,

you have to operate with
a certain amount of... panache.

Cast your mind back
to our conversation...

Never mind about the past,
it's the future we're interested in.

You Scots, I don't know.

I know you have
an obsession about thrift

but there are limits.

You're impossible!

Good evening. Had a good day?

Awful, thank you.
- Sorry.

You're back late, James.

Let's just say
it's been one of those days.

I have a bone to pick with Siegfried

about some "docile" cows I saw.
Where is he?

Still in the surgery.

Anyway, are you set
for tomorrow night?

Tomorrow night?

Yes, Saturday night, remember?

Oh, yes, it's the dance, isn't it?

Are you sure it's a good idea?

You can't back out.
The girls'd have my guts for garters.

Yes, I suppose so.
- Marvellous.

I say, you're not still mooning about
over Helen, are you?

I have thought of her, yes.

Put it down to experience.
She has another bloke.

Richard Edmundson.
- Yes.

I've seen them together.
She's never indicated he's special.

You know, people think
they'll make a go of it.

No, I didn't know that.
- Helen's father would like that.

Edmundson's filthy rich.
- You can't blame him.

I only remind you so that forewarned
is forearmed, so to speak. Cheers.

I didn't think anyone
as attractive as Helen

could be footloose
and fancy-free. Cheers.

♪ De-dum... ♪

He thinks it means we're stopping.

So he keeps stopping.

Hello, Mr Myatt.
- We've come to say goodbye.

We're going.
- How's the pony?

Still a bit stiff but on t'mend.
- Good.

Me and t'children would like to
thank you both for what you did.

Thank you, sir.

Thank you.

Thank you, sir.

Good luck.

I'd have lost that pony but for you.

I hadn't a clue how it'd work.
- But it worked.

Well, all good vets are really
witch doctors at heart, you know?

He'll be much better now.

Here you are, Billy,
it's time you were going home.

Thank you. Bye-bye.

One more case, James.
Couple called Plenderleith.

Show him in, Tris, then you can go.

Mr and Mrs Plenderleith.
Come in, please.

Oh, thank you.

I won't keep you a moment.

Oh, you're not Mr Siegfried Farnon,
are you?

James Herriot, his junior colleague.

Well, we'd rather hoped
to see Mr Farnon in person.

Mr Farnon's out on morning calls.
Can I help?

Are you properly qualified?
- Of course.

It's just that we want the best
advice for our dog, you see.

Well, let's see what we can do.

Come on, boy. Up you come.
Here we go. That's a good dog.

He seems to be
in very good condition.

We'd like you to give
a most thorough check-up.

Have you had him long?

Just a matter of some days.
That's why we're here.

I have to confess,
we've never owned an animal before.

May I ask where you got him?
- Locally, Mr Herriot.

If I may continue, I believe
in doing things thoroughly.

So I've made a few notes
on dog-keeping.

Number one -
yes, would you please diagnose

the brown mark on his abdomen?

That's nothing.
Just a patch of pigmentation.

Er, number two -
kindly inoculate against distemper

and associated diseases.

He has been inoculated.

How, pray, do you come
to that conclusion?

I did it myself five days ago.

I think I should tell you both
that I do know this dog.

I see. Then you will know
that we took him in as a stray.

And I know where he's from.
- Oh, dear.

I told you, my dear,
he was bound to belong to someone.

Mr Herriot,
my wife and I are childless

and now that we're both
pensioned off, so to speak,

well, we had it in mind
to buy a dog of our own.

Then, this little chap came along.

He found us, Mr Herriot.
Followed us home on our walk.

To be frank,
we've become rather fond of him,

so much so that we were
prepared to keep him.

But he must be returned
to his owners. You agree?

Would you both like to keep him?

But you just said...
- That I knew where he was from.

You see, before he strayed,

this dog - Pip -
he was in an animal shelter

and he was looking for a home.
- Oh, dear.

He'll find one with us.
You have my word.

We'll have to clear it
with Sister Rose at the shelter

but I'm sure she'll be
very happy to let you have him.

Oh! Oh, dear.

Mr Herriot?

James?
- Oh.

Hello.
- Hello.

I wanted to ring
and thank you for our night out.

I thought
you might want to forget it.

It was great fun.
- Oh, really?

Of course.

It had its moments of disaster,
though.

Too many.

How's the work?
- Oh, fine.

Though I don't think
the local people would agree.

They take getting used to.
- Yes.

Well, I'd better be off.

Thank you again, James.

Oh, Helen?
- Yes?

Perhaps we could do it again
sometime?

Go out, I mean.

That would be lovely.

Goodbye, James.
- Goodbye, Helen.

There you are. Ta.

Right.
- Now this isn't the dance hall.

This establishment has
the finest draught ale in Yorkshire.

Trissy... could you show me
where the ladies is?

Oh, the ladies, yes -
it's through that door,

turn left and the first
large field you come to.

Off you go. We'll set 'em up for you.

Come on, Connie.

Well, James, what do you think?

She's a bit overpowering, isn't she?

Generous is the word I'd choose,
both in proportion and inclination.

Sit down, I'll order the drinks.
- Right.

Mr Farnon, are you very well?
- Never better.

We'd like two pints
and two halves of your best.

Coming right up, Mr Farnon.

Evening, gents.
- Evening.

Prepare yourself
for the experience of a lifetime.

Oh, well.

Ah.
- Find what you wanted, ladies?

It's the biggest, coldest lav
in the world out there.

Tristan's told me all about you,
James.

Nothing too drastic, I hope.

But he didn't tell me you were shy.
- Shy?

By Jove, James, that's fast work.

You look after my girlfriend,
James Herriot,

or you'll get what for.
- Oh, rather.

Oh.

Whoa!

Try that, then, Mr Farnon.

Two, three, four, five,

six, seven, eight, nine,

ten, 11, 12...

Bravo!

You, Mr Worley, are an artist.

I salute you.
And keep 'em coming, if you please.

See you inside, Richard.
- Lovely.

Aah! Ah-ha! Hm!

What are you staring at?
- You.

What's so special about me?
- You're beautiful.

No, you are!

And now... for my friends...
- Shh. Shh.

..my very special friends -

my version of...
The Mad Conductor.

I would like
to take this opportunity to say

that in all of Yorkshire,
there is no finer gentleman

than T Farnon Esquire.

You honour me, old friend.

My stumbling
sentences cannot express...

..cannot express...
- Too kind.

It's a privilege.
It's a rare privilege.

When you finish rubbing noses,
could I have another drink?

Yes. Yes.

♪ Beer, beer, glorious beer

♪ Fill yourselves right up to here

♪ Up to here... ♪

Mr Worley, if you please?

Your attention, please.

Signor Mussolini conducts
the neurasthenic strings.

♪ Me, me ♪ Dom, dom, dom

♪ Me, me, me, ba-ba ba ba ba

♪ M-ma ma
♪ Bung bung bung bung ♪

"Hall Of Mountains" From Peer Gynt)

♪ On Ilkla Moor baht 'at

♪ On Ilkla Moor baht 'at

♪ On Ilkla Moor baht 'at,
'at, 'at, oi! ♪

James.
- Yes. Right.

There we go.

Whoa-whoa-whoa! Forward!

Oh, I drink to my brother's practice!

Drink?
- Yes.

My lady.

♪ La ta-da ta-da ta-da... ♪

Bruce, hello! Come and join us.
This is Brenda.

Excuse me.

Tristan! Tuck in!
- She's here.

What?
- Helen, she's here, James.

James. Hello, James.

Oh, Helen, it's you.

Richard, you know James Herriot,
don't you?

Of course. Hello, Herriot.
- Hello.

Brenda, where are you?

Oh!

Don't touch it.
You'll cut your fingers.

Oh! Oh, dear, I do feel queer.

Helen!

You ought to look after
your friend, James.

Helen, I must explain.

So long, old boy.

Good night, James.