Alias Smith and Jones (1971–1973): Season 3, Episode 10 - McGuffin - full transcript
While riding from one town to the next the boys answer a man's cry for help and find themselves involved with treasury department agents, counterfeiters, and stolen plates. There's also the matter of a woman who may be the man's daughter or a counterfeiter herself.
Don't turn around.
Just keep looking right straight ahead.
Where are the plates?
You've got 5 seconds to hand them over or
we're gonna toss you over board right here and now.
They're...they're in my cabin.
Let's have them.
Means now.
Oh, don't tell me you hid it under the mattress!
They're gone!
You knot head, that's the first place they look.
Who?
Kate!
Hannibal Heyes and Kid Curry.
The two most successful outlaws
in the history of the West.
And in all the trains and banks they robbed,
they never shot anyone.
This made our two
Kansas cousins very popular.
With everyone
but the railroads and the banks.
One thing we gotta get Heyes.
What's that?
Outta this business.
The governor can't come flat out
and give you amnesty now.
First you gotta prove you deserve it.
Lom, are you saying that all
we have to do is stay out of trouble
until the governor figures
that we deserved amnesty?
And in the meantime
we'll still be wanted?
That's true.
Till then only you, me and the governor
will know about it.
It'll be our secret.
That's a good deal?
I sure wish the governor would let a
few more people in on our secret.
Why Dark Springs?
What's there?
Nothing, I hope.
Yeah, why like that town?
Kid, when the sheriff looks at us once it's a good town.
When he looks at us twice it's a bad town.
Hold it.
You hear something?
Help!
Help!
Over here!
You hurt?
I...I've been shot.
What happened?
Well, I've been shot!
No never mind that.
I need help and I need it fast!
Now, looks like I gotta trust you.
I hope you're good Americans.
Yeah.
'Cause I'm of the United States Treasury Department.
Now, in my saddlebag over there,
there is a package.
One of you's got to take it into Dark Springs
and register under my name, Tom McGuffin.
The other one's got to...
go get me a doctor.
Sure, you can't ride into town on your own?
No!
A gang of crooks is trying to kill me.
I can't out run them.
3 of the most dangerous counterfeiters Western the Mississippi.
I gotta wait here for that doctor.
Well, are one of you gonna go into Dark Springs and get him?
Yeah, Yeah.
I'll...I'll go.
Now, get the package.
This the package?
Now,
an agent named Peterson will contact you.
A little over 6 feet, solidly build,
light hair, mustache,
and a part of a finger in his left hand is missing.
Now, make sure he shows you his credentials.
Make sure he can describe me to you.
And when you're satisfied,
give him the package.
If I live through this,
I'll see you get a little reward for helping your country.
Yes, sir.
Say, maybe I oughta wait till my friend gets back with the doctor.
No, there's no time for that!
Now get going!
That'll be room 22.
Will you be staying long, Mr. McGuffin?
Well, I can't say, but if anybody calls for me, I'll be in the room.
He's gone.
You sure that's where it was?
Maybe we got off the road at the wrong spot.
No, no, no, he was sitting right here.
It's still blood here, see?
Maybe we better go looking for him.
Well, his horse is gone, too.
There's no point looking for him.
That's right.
There's no point looking for him now.
Who are you?
Me?
No...nobody.
I was just passing through,
and the fellow called for help he asked me to get him a doctor.
This is the doctor.
He telling the truth?
Yep,
I'm Dr. O'Connell from Dark Springs.
This fella,
what'd he look like?
Oh, well, he...
was 50-ish, had a beard,
average height,
wore a blue Serge suit.
Did he give a name?
Yeah, he called himself McGuffin.
Well, he's got a little more imagination these days.
Usually calls himself Smith or
Jones.
By the way what's your name?
My...uh...my...uhm?
Hotchkiss.
You got any idea what happened to him?
No, no.
All right.
Get going.
And if you happen to see this fellow again,
notify the Treasury Department.
He's a counterfeiter.
One of the best in the business.
Also, one of the most dangerous.
All right.
Get going.
We'll certainly do that, thank you, sir.
Come on, doc.
I thought you said your name was Jones.
Doc, you heard what he said
I didn?t think it would be too smart to admit my name was Jones.
I see what you mean.
Must be hard on people named Smith and Jones.
Nobody ever believes 'em.
Doc, you just don't know.
Who are you?
You are not Tom McGuffin.
Come in.
Wait a minute.
Who are you?
What makes you think I'm not Tom McGuffin?
Because I know what he looks like.
Oh, what does he look like?
He's in his 50s,
he wears a beard and he's pudgy.
You don't even remotely resemble him.
Well, I'm sure glad of that.
You don't exactly look like what I was expecting either
Who were you expecting?
Never mind.
Who are you?
I happen to be Mr. McGuffins daughter.
His daughter?
That's right.
He didn't mention you.
Who did he mention?
He definitely didn't mention a daughter.
I'm not surprised.
He's always more interested in his work than his family.
But what's happened to him?
I was supposed to meet him here.
No miss, I can't tell you a thing about McGuffin.
He happens to be an agent for the Treasury Department,
and I don't feel I have the right to.
An agent for the Treasury Department!?
Yes, ma'am.
My father isn't an agent for anybody.
I wish you'd tell me where you saw him because now I'm worried.
Now, I think you and I'd better sit down and talk this whole thing over.
Room 25.
Thanks.
Heyes.
Heyes!
Heyes.
You all right?
Oh, I don't know.
What happened?
That's a good question.
I leave you alone for two minutes and you're half dead.
You tell me what happened.
I don't know.
All I know is,
our friend McGuffin it's not an agent for the Treasury Department,
and he's got a daughter who's looking for him.
Wait a minute.
I turned my back on her to get a chair.
It's gone!
What's gone?
The package.
The package that McGuffin gave me to deliver to Peterson.
And I'll tell you something else.
McGuffin is a Treasury agent.
That girl's a crook.
She hit me on the head?
Who hit you on the head?
The girl who isn't McGuffin's daughter.
Oh, oh...
yeah.
Heyes, Heyes you're gonna be all right.
Just lay down and take it easy.
It will be fine...
fine.
Crack in the head...
I'm telling you, she knocked me out and she took the package.
She's a crook.
Maybe
but McGuffin isn't a Treasury agent.
How do you know?
Those three fellas said so?
What three fellas?
The ones that we're following him.
Well then, what is he?
Counterfeiter.
One of the best.
A counterfeiter?
Then who's the girl?
What girl?
The girl who hit me on the head!
How do I know?
All right, all right, just...
just take it easy, now.
Calm down, come on.
Now...
Thanks.
All right, what about McGuffin?
Well, he was gone.
And there were 3 men there waiting for me.
McGuffin was gone?
Yeah!
And his name's not McGuffin either.
What is it?
I don't know!
He usually goes by Smith or Jon...es.
Oh, if she just hit me a little harder,
I wouldn't be having to hear all of this.
Wait a minute, Heyes, you act like we had a problem or something.
All we gotta do is leave and forget about the whole thing, that's all.
Isn't our problem.
You know, Kid, you're right.
We're just innocent bystanders.
Now, wait a minute.
If McGuffin is a counterfeiter and the girl isn't his daughter,
then who are those 3 fellas?
Well, they said they
were Treasury agents?
Heyes, we're still innocent bystanders.
You know and I know, but do they know?
We better get out of here right now.
To Lom Trevors, Sheriff Converse County, Wyoming Territory.
Dear Lom,
our mutual friends are temporarily in Oak Flats
in case their mutual friend
in Cheyenne has any news for our mutual friends.
Smith and Jones
Dear Smith and Jones
please tell our mutual friends that they are not only wanted in Wyoming
but the United States Treasury Department is
now looking for them in every state west of the Mississippi.
Also tell them that they have just lost a mutual friend.
Lom Trevors
Now Lom's against us.
Heyes, do you ever get the feeling that nothing right is ever gonna happen to us again?
I've never lost that feeling.
It isn't gonna change.
What are we gonna do about this?
Don't ask me!
People probably scattered all over the place by now.
Maybe we should go to Wyoming and tell Lom we aren't involved.
You really think that would help?
With the Treasury Department?
Even if we could convince Lom, I don't think that would help.
Look, we gotta do something, the whole country's after us!
Now, what we're gonna do?
But over a week - McGuffin's probably dead by now.
The girl's got the plates, she's probably a thousand miles away.
Forget it!
I think we ought to just stay here and take whatever comes our way.
Come on.
Shut to door, boys.
Come on in.
A little closer.
Now,
I'm not feeling well,
and I'm nervous,
and I'm liable to do anything, so
be careful.
Now, where are those plates, I gave you?
Mr. McGuffin, could you put the gun down?
I didn't do anything with those plates.
I was ready to give him to your friend Peterson, but he didn't show up.
All right,
he never showed up.
That means you still got 'em, huh?
Mr. McGuffin, would you please put the gun down?
You don't look well your hand is shaking.
Oh, I'm not well.
I'm not well at all.
You know I...
I heard those 3 fellas coming down the road after you left.
I had to get out of there.
I spent a week in an Indian village with
4 inches of mud on my chest...
and I don?t think it helped at all
I know it didn't help me a bit and...
Now,
tell me where those plates are!
We will if you'll put the gun down.
All right,
I'll put it down.
To here.
Now, how's that?
Well, if that's the best you can do...
That's it.
Now,
start talking.
I was waiting in the hotel room, just like you said.
And there was a knock on the door and
when I opened it, there was a beautiful girl.
Five foot 4'', 105 pounds,
brown hair, blue eyes?
That's the girl.
Oh, don't tell me she's got those plates!
She said she was your daughter!
That's Counterfeit Kate you dunderhead!
Oh, she's a smarter liar the department had to contend with.
Has she got those plates?
I wasn't even there.
I'm afraid so.
She convinced me that she was your daughter and
you weren't a Treasury agent, and I turned to get her a chair.
And she hit you on the head, huh?
Oh, she?s always hitting people on the head.
Oh, boys have really been a big help to the government.
And it's my neck.
Oh, I knew I shouldn't have trusted a couple of drifters, but I was desperate.
You boys are
probably in a little trouble yourselves now, aren't you?
We are...
with the Treasury Department.
Would you like to get out?
How?
Now boys,
those plates
are the two finest plates were ever made.
They were engraved by a printer publisher from Denver,
who turned bitter, the poor devil,
after he had been ruined
by the mining companies for years for his
editorial criticisms.
And...
well I...
I...
I was due for a promotion myself when the
whole case came up and
I probably won't get another chance when...
I gotta get those plates back.
I gotta get those plates back.
And I'm in no condition to do it.
Now'd you boys help me?
I'll see you cleared with the government.
Mr. McGuffin,
got yourself a deal.
All right, boys,
give me a hand.
Easy, boys.
Peterson is the key to the whole thing.
You see he's a chemist,
who figured out a way to bleach out genuine $1 bills.
But the plates are for $20.
And when you combine them
with the bleach paper,
you get an absolutely undetectable result.
And that's what Kate's after.
You see she...she wants to make contact with Peterson.
And I know rake where she's gonna meet him.
Number 7, Maple Road, Forrest City.
She'll be using an alias:
Catherine Lewis.
And if you get there before Peterson,
you can nail them both.
Mr. McGuffin,
you were ready to give Peterson those plates yourself.
Well, of course!
Yeah.
Yes well, you see,
we wanted to keep him under constant surveillance,
'till we found out his whole process and
then we take the necessary steps.
I see.
Forrest City, number 7, Maple Road.
And...
and be careful with Kate?
She will you tell you taller stories than Pike?s Peak whether she's a
queen of Siam or
I'm a crook, but she's my daughter
and make it sound plausible.
That girl's an artiste!
So, be careful.
And before you go get me a doctor.
What's matter?
I'm going crazy,
that's what's the matter.
Why?
Let me get this straight.
In other words,
he was really a Treasury agent all along, right?
Who?
McGuffin.
Right.
And this girl we?re waiting for, she's not related to him in any way, right?
Right.
Well, how do you know she wasn't telling the truth?
Because she hit me and stole the plates.
And these...
these other 3 fellas,
they really weren't Treasury agents?
No, they were counterfeiters.
What's the matter with you?
Oh, no.
You now, Heyes, I'm sure glad we never went in for this kind of business.
At least with banks and railroads you know who is who.
Not this time.
What do you want?
I want to thank you for that clout on the head, which I could have done without.
Now, where the plates?
Well, I don't have them here, naturally.
What are you doing here then?
Nothing.
Nothing until Peterson shows up?
Peterson?
Yeah.
Peterson.
Who are you?
My name is Hotchkiss.
Thaddeus Hotchkiss.
Oh, by the way, we found McGuffin.
How is he?
Is he all right?
He's all right, now, yeah.
Oh, thank God.
Now, what's the thank God for?
I told you, he's my father.
I see, Miss McGuffin.
My name isn't McGuffin, it's Lewis. Catherine Lewis.
Counterfeit Kate, right?
Counterfeit Kate?
Well, where did you pick that up?
From McGuffin.
Oh, his name is McGuffin either.
It's Lewis, Gordon Lewis from Denver.
He's my father.
Sure, he is.
And next you're gonna tell us, that he had a print shop that was put out of business.
How did you know that?
You know, you're good.
You really are good.
He told us you would be.
Who?
McGuffin.
His name isn't McGuffin!
Look, he's my father and he published the Gazette in Denver.
And the mining companies bankrupted him.
So he became a criminal and I'm trying to save him from himself.
I gotta hand it to you, you're good.
You're right, she's good.
Why won't you believe me?
Because you keep hitting people on the head.
Now why are you waiting here for Peterson?
Because I want to turn Peterson in at the same time I turn the plates in.
Now, if I can do that, I can keep my father from being prosecuted.
Well now, Kate, you can forget about Peterson
and your dear father from Denver,
because you're taking us to get those plates
or we're taking you to the Treasury Department right now.
Now, what good would that do?
Well, it can get us out of trouble.
So, we'll just make up your mind.
All right, I'll...
show you where they are.
Where?
I hid them about 50 miles from here.
Now, just relax Kate, we promise to make this as painless as possible.
And then you can go back in your merry way.
Lying, cheating,
hitting people on the head.
At the moment I'd like to go to the restroom.
You just got on board.
I'm sorry, though the motion of the train affects my disposition.
Anyway, you gentlemen have nothing to worry about.
The train is going 40 miles an hour.
I couldn't jump off, even if I wanted to.
All right,
but you'll be back in five minutes.
What is this Hotchkiss business?
Everybody else is using in different names I thought I might as well, too.
What's the matter with Jones?
Well, it's so darn obvious it's an alias,
that's what's the matter with it.
Can I ask you something, Kid?
Yeah.
Isn't it just a little late to come to that conclusion?
They're Treasury agents.
I know they don't look, but that's their cover.
I'm taking them to where the plates are if you want to make a deal.
My deal's with McGuffin.
McGuffin is dead.
It's with me now or nobody.
You get me away from them and you'll have the plates and a fair deal.
You don't have much regard for my common sense, do you, Miss Lewis?
You take them to the plates.
Then I'll take you away from them.
But I'm not doing anything, 'till I've seen those plates.
Trust me.
You're a joke.
All right.
I'll trust you.
Feeling better?
Much.
Under those rocks.
You mean all those rocks?
Yes.
Would you just moving back a little?
Don't want you anywhere near our heads.
Don't you have found an easier place?
You mean like under the mattress?
You really did this all by yourself?
Under the mattress.
Now you dig for it.
Well, at least we got it.
Not for long, my friend.
Don't get nervous, please.
Now toss them out here.
Nice and easy.
Now come on out of there.
Lie down on your bellies.
Down.
You too, Miss Kate.
Me?
We had a deal!
We did have a deal.
Now we don't have a deal.
Why, you dirty...
Oh,
now that's not ladylike.
Let's make this real democratic.
You lie down, too.
On your belly.
Down.
Put your hands behind you.
Well, aren't you going to do something?
What would you suggest?
I don't know, think of something!
Kate, what we're thinking you wouldn't want us to do.
All right, Thaddeus, come on.
We've done this before.
Yeah, I know and I'm getting tired of it.
Well...
Come on, it's your turn to untie. I did it last time.
What about me?
Well, Kate,
I tell you the truth.
I'd love to leave you here.
But I'm gonna let you loose.
Because we're just...
...a couple of idiots.
Yeah.
But if you try one more trick,
just one,
I'm gonna hit you on the head.
He does and I will.
Is that understood?
Come on.
Wait.
Yeah.
Tracks look like he's heading right back to town.
Yeah, and probably the next train out.
Grey suit,
about six feet tall?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, it seems to me I do remember.
He took the two o'clock train East.
Wanted to know if he could still catch the afternoon boat out of Centralia.
Boat?
To New Orleans.
When's the next train to Centralia?
Not until tomorrow.
Tomorrow?
Is there a freight train through here today?
Well, yes, but
you can't get on that.
Kate, did you ever hop a freight?
What?
I'm of the Treasury Department.
Did a man named Harold Peterson book passage on that boat?
Peterson.
Peterson.
No, Peterson, but Patterson.
What did this Patterson look like you remember?
All aboard!
Well,
tall,
he's got light hair.
A mustache.
And he wore a...grey suit.
That's Peterson.
No, no, Petterson.
Mr. Hendrick Petterson.
All right, so he can't spell.
3 tickets, please.
Where to?
Next off.
Round trip?
No.
That'll be $6.
Thank you, sir.
Alright let's put up.
You take that way, I'll take this way
and you go with me.
I can't.
I'm too exhausted.
I can't take another step.
Alright, you stay here.
But I mean here.
And don't move.
Not even an inch.
Don't turn around.
Just keep looking right straight ahead.
Where are the plates?
You've got 5 seconds to hand them over or
we're gonna toss you over board right here and now.
They're...they're in my cabin.
Take it?
Just go real friendly-like.
Let's have them.
Means now.
Oh, don't tell me you hid it under the mattress!
They're gone!
You knot head, that's the first place they look.
Who?
Kate!
Do you ever quit?
Where are they?
Where are they?
What?
What?
They fell out.
In the river?
You don't know what you've done to us.
Now we got no way to prove we weren't involved.
Our only chance was if we turned in those plates.
Mine, too.
Where do all you people come from?
I've never seen so many crooks in all my life.
Every time I turn around, I bump into another one.
Do you know what's strange?
Except for a McGuffin we haven't run into one single Treasury agent during this entire mess.
Gentlemen,
you're wrong,
on all points.
I keep telling you his name isn't McGuffin.
It's Lewis.
And he is my father and he's not a Treasury agent.
Right, right...
But a Treasury agent has shown up in all of this.
Yeah?
Where?
Right here.
I'm a Treasury agent.
You really are a Treasury agent?
Every word I've told you from the very beginning has been the truth.
I came here and made a deal with the Treasury Department.
And if I could get those plates away from my father, they wouldn't prosecute him.
So they appointed me as a special agent on this one assignment.
You know those 3 men that we're looking for my father in the beginning?
Yeah.
They're Treasury agents, too.
Well, at least you're consistent.
Why do I listen to you?
Anyway with luck there's a chance I can clear you, too.
Sit down, please.
Miss Lewis,
I've gone over your report and I've studied your father's statement.
I'm afraid,
facts are facts.
Our arrangement was based upon your returning the plates
and we have only your word that they're at the bottom of the river.
I'm
sorry our hands are tied.
Your father is going to prison.
I am sorry.
Dad.
Look, all right.
don't...
don't be upset you
you did your best.
And I...
I reckon I?m not worth saving anyway.
Now,
as far as you two are concerned,
Come in.
Chief,
could we have a word with you?
Come in.
Now, go ahead.
You can talk in front of these people.
It's nothing about the case they don't know.
We just got a telegraph from the divers.
They found the plates.
How?
We saw where you jumped in, Miss.
Well,
I guess I'll have to take back everything I said about you two.
Dad!
Bye-bye Kate.
Good-bye Kate, Mr. McGuffin.
It isn't McGuffin,
it's
Lewis.
Gordon Lewis, Denver.
Printing business.
You may remember?
Right.
I know.
I guess we just got used to McGuffin.
We're gonna miss him.
So am I, as a matter of fact.
Dad...
Oh, no, no, don't worry, Kate,
I promise you no more plates.
Bye, boys.
Bye-bye.
Bye-bye.
Thanks for everything.
Take yourselves.
Now, if you ever get to Denver, look us up.
We will.
Bye, boys.
Take care of yourselves.
Kid,
everything clear to you now?
Sure.
Everything clear to you?
Sure.
Heyes, I'm worried.
As I've often said, Kid, if you didn't say you're worried I'd be worried.
What is it this time?
How do we really know we're out of trouble with the Treasury Department?
That's it! That is by far the dumbest question you've ever asked.
But if you insist on an answer, here it is:
the chief agent told us we're out of trouble.
You mean a man who said he was a chief agent told us.
How do we really know he was the chief agent?
Am I actually hearing this?
You were actually hearing this.
I thought so.
Alright, how do we know.
It said so on the door, didn't it?
Sure, but anyone could have put some lettering up on a door of an empty office.
It wasn't a government building, you know.
Are you serious about all this?
Sure, I am.
Which brings me back to my original question:
how do we know we're out of trouble with a Treasury Department?
Kid, I've got one for you:
how do we know we were ever in trouble with the Treasury Department?
Heyes, do me a favor.
What?
Forget I asked the question.
What was the question?
Just keep looking right straight ahead.
Where are the plates?
You've got 5 seconds to hand them over or
we're gonna toss you over board right here and now.
They're...they're in my cabin.
Let's have them.
Means now.
Oh, don't tell me you hid it under the mattress!
They're gone!
You knot head, that's the first place they look.
Who?
Kate!
Hannibal Heyes and Kid Curry.
The two most successful outlaws
in the history of the West.
And in all the trains and banks they robbed,
they never shot anyone.
This made our two
Kansas cousins very popular.
With everyone
but the railroads and the banks.
One thing we gotta get Heyes.
What's that?
Outta this business.
The governor can't come flat out
and give you amnesty now.
First you gotta prove you deserve it.
Lom, are you saying that all
we have to do is stay out of trouble
until the governor figures
that we deserved amnesty?
And in the meantime
we'll still be wanted?
That's true.
Till then only you, me and the governor
will know about it.
It'll be our secret.
That's a good deal?
I sure wish the governor would let a
few more people in on our secret.
Why Dark Springs?
What's there?
Nothing, I hope.
Yeah, why like that town?
Kid, when the sheriff looks at us once it's a good town.
When he looks at us twice it's a bad town.
Hold it.
You hear something?
Help!
Help!
Over here!
You hurt?
I...I've been shot.
What happened?
Well, I've been shot!
No never mind that.
I need help and I need it fast!
Now, looks like I gotta trust you.
I hope you're good Americans.
Yeah.
'Cause I'm of the United States Treasury Department.
Now, in my saddlebag over there,
there is a package.
One of you's got to take it into Dark Springs
and register under my name, Tom McGuffin.
The other one's got to...
go get me a doctor.
Sure, you can't ride into town on your own?
No!
A gang of crooks is trying to kill me.
I can't out run them.
3 of the most dangerous counterfeiters Western the Mississippi.
I gotta wait here for that doctor.
Well, are one of you gonna go into Dark Springs and get him?
Yeah, Yeah.
I'll...I'll go.
Now, get the package.
This the package?
Now,
an agent named Peterson will contact you.
A little over 6 feet, solidly build,
light hair, mustache,
and a part of a finger in his left hand is missing.
Now, make sure he shows you his credentials.
Make sure he can describe me to you.
And when you're satisfied,
give him the package.
If I live through this,
I'll see you get a little reward for helping your country.
Yes, sir.
Say, maybe I oughta wait till my friend gets back with the doctor.
No, there's no time for that!
Now get going!
That'll be room 22.
Will you be staying long, Mr. McGuffin?
Well, I can't say, but if anybody calls for me, I'll be in the room.
He's gone.
You sure that's where it was?
Maybe we got off the road at the wrong spot.
No, no, no, he was sitting right here.
It's still blood here, see?
Maybe we better go looking for him.
Well, his horse is gone, too.
There's no point looking for him.
That's right.
There's no point looking for him now.
Who are you?
Me?
No...nobody.
I was just passing through,
and the fellow called for help he asked me to get him a doctor.
This is the doctor.
He telling the truth?
Yep,
I'm Dr. O'Connell from Dark Springs.
This fella,
what'd he look like?
Oh, well, he...
was 50-ish, had a beard,
average height,
wore a blue Serge suit.
Did he give a name?
Yeah, he called himself McGuffin.
Well, he's got a little more imagination these days.
Usually calls himself Smith or
Jones.
By the way what's your name?
My...uh...my...uhm?
Hotchkiss.
You got any idea what happened to him?
No, no.
All right.
Get going.
And if you happen to see this fellow again,
notify the Treasury Department.
He's a counterfeiter.
One of the best in the business.
Also, one of the most dangerous.
All right.
Get going.
We'll certainly do that, thank you, sir.
Come on, doc.
I thought you said your name was Jones.
Doc, you heard what he said
I didn?t think it would be too smart to admit my name was Jones.
I see what you mean.
Must be hard on people named Smith and Jones.
Nobody ever believes 'em.
Doc, you just don't know.
Who are you?
You are not Tom McGuffin.
Come in.
Wait a minute.
Who are you?
What makes you think I'm not Tom McGuffin?
Because I know what he looks like.
Oh, what does he look like?
He's in his 50s,
he wears a beard and he's pudgy.
You don't even remotely resemble him.
Well, I'm sure glad of that.
You don't exactly look like what I was expecting either
Who were you expecting?
Never mind.
Who are you?
I happen to be Mr. McGuffins daughter.
His daughter?
That's right.
He didn't mention you.
Who did he mention?
He definitely didn't mention a daughter.
I'm not surprised.
He's always more interested in his work than his family.
But what's happened to him?
I was supposed to meet him here.
No miss, I can't tell you a thing about McGuffin.
He happens to be an agent for the Treasury Department,
and I don't feel I have the right to.
An agent for the Treasury Department!?
Yes, ma'am.
My father isn't an agent for anybody.
I wish you'd tell me where you saw him because now I'm worried.
Now, I think you and I'd better sit down and talk this whole thing over.
Room 25.
Thanks.
Heyes.
Heyes!
Heyes.
You all right?
Oh, I don't know.
What happened?
That's a good question.
I leave you alone for two minutes and you're half dead.
You tell me what happened.
I don't know.
All I know is,
our friend McGuffin it's not an agent for the Treasury Department,
and he's got a daughter who's looking for him.
Wait a minute.
I turned my back on her to get a chair.
It's gone!
What's gone?
The package.
The package that McGuffin gave me to deliver to Peterson.
And I'll tell you something else.
McGuffin is a Treasury agent.
That girl's a crook.
She hit me on the head?
Who hit you on the head?
The girl who isn't McGuffin's daughter.
Oh, oh...
yeah.
Heyes, Heyes you're gonna be all right.
Just lay down and take it easy.
It will be fine...
fine.
Crack in the head...
I'm telling you, she knocked me out and she took the package.
She's a crook.
Maybe
but McGuffin isn't a Treasury agent.
How do you know?
Those three fellas said so?
What three fellas?
The ones that we're following him.
Well then, what is he?
Counterfeiter.
One of the best.
A counterfeiter?
Then who's the girl?
What girl?
The girl who hit me on the head!
How do I know?
All right, all right, just...
just take it easy, now.
Calm down, come on.
Now...
Thanks.
All right, what about McGuffin?
Well, he was gone.
And there were 3 men there waiting for me.
McGuffin was gone?
Yeah!
And his name's not McGuffin either.
What is it?
I don't know!
He usually goes by Smith or Jon...es.
Oh, if she just hit me a little harder,
I wouldn't be having to hear all of this.
Wait a minute, Heyes, you act like we had a problem or something.
All we gotta do is leave and forget about the whole thing, that's all.
Isn't our problem.
You know, Kid, you're right.
We're just innocent bystanders.
Now, wait a minute.
If McGuffin is a counterfeiter and the girl isn't his daughter,
then who are those 3 fellas?
Well, they said they
were Treasury agents?
Heyes, we're still innocent bystanders.
You know and I know, but do they know?
We better get out of here right now.
To Lom Trevors, Sheriff Converse County, Wyoming Territory.
Dear Lom,
our mutual friends are temporarily in Oak Flats
in case their mutual friend
in Cheyenne has any news for our mutual friends.
Smith and Jones
Dear Smith and Jones
please tell our mutual friends that they are not only wanted in Wyoming
but the United States Treasury Department is
now looking for them in every state west of the Mississippi.
Also tell them that they have just lost a mutual friend.
Lom Trevors
Now Lom's against us.
Heyes, do you ever get the feeling that nothing right is ever gonna happen to us again?
I've never lost that feeling.
It isn't gonna change.
What are we gonna do about this?
Don't ask me!
People probably scattered all over the place by now.
Maybe we should go to Wyoming and tell Lom we aren't involved.
You really think that would help?
With the Treasury Department?
Even if we could convince Lom, I don't think that would help.
Look, we gotta do something, the whole country's after us!
Now, what we're gonna do?
But over a week - McGuffin's probably dead by now.
The girl's got the plates, she's probably a thousand miles away.
Forget it!
I think we ought to just stay here and take whatever comes our way.
Come on.
Shut to door, boys.
Come on in.
A little closer.
Now,
I'm not feeling well,
and I'm nervous,
and I'm liable to do anything, so
be careful.
Now, where are those plates, I gave you?
Mr. McGuffin, could you put the gun down?
I didn't do anything with those plates.
I was ready to give him to your friend Peterson, but he didn't show up.
All right,
he never showed up.
That means you still got 'em, huh?
Mr. McGuffin, would you please put the gun down?
You don't look well your hand is shaking.
Oh, I'm not well.
I'm not well at all.
You know I...
I heard those 3 fellas coming down the road after you left.
I had to get out of there.
I spent a week in an Indian village with
4 inches of mud on my chest...
and I don?t think it helped at all
I know it didn't help me a bit and...
Now,
tell me where those plates are!
We will if you'll put the gun down.
All right,
I'll put it down.
To here.
Now, how's that?
Well, if that's the best you can do...
That's it.
Now,
start talking.
I was waiting in the hotel room, just like you said.
And there was a knock on the door and
when I opened it, there was a beautiful girl.
Five foot 4'', 105 pounds,
brown hair, blue eyes?
That's the girl.
Oh, don't tell me she's got those plates!
She said she was your daughter!
That's Counterfeit Kate you dunderhead!
Oh, she's a smarter liar the department had to contend with.
Has she got those plates?
I wasn't even there.
I'm afraid so.
She convinced me that she was your daughter and
you weren't a Treasury agent, and I turned to get her a chair.
And she hit you on the head, huh?
Oh, she?s always hitting people on the head.
Oh, boys have really been a big help to the government.
And it's my neck.
Oh, I knew I shouldn't have trusted a couple of drifters, but I was desperate.
You boys are
probably in a little trouble yourselves now, aren't you?
We are...
with the Treasury Department.
Would you like to get out?
How?
Now boys,
those plates
are the two finest plates were ever made.
They were engraved by a printer publisher from Denver,
who turned bitter, the poor devil,
after he had been ruined
by the mining companies for years for his
editorial criticisms.
And...
well I...
I...
I was due for a promotion myself when the
whole case came up and
I probably won't get another chance when...
I gotta get those plates back.
I gotta get those plates back.
And I'm in no condition to do it.
Now'd you boys help me?
I'll see you cleared with the government.
Mr. McGuffin,
got yourself a deal.
All right, boys,
give me a hand.
Easy, boys.
Peterson is the key to the whole thing.
You see he's a chemist,
who figured out a way to bleach out genuine $1 bills.
But the plates are for $20.
And when you combine them
with the bleach paper,
you get an absolutely undetectable result.
And that's what Kate's after.
You see she...she wants to make contact with Peterson.
And I know rake where she's gonna meet him.
Number 7, Maple Road, Forrest City.
She'll be using an alias:
Catherine Lewis.
And if you get there before Peterson,
you can nail them both.
Mr. McGuffin,
you were ready to give Peterson those plates yourself.
Well, of course!
Yeah.
Yes well, you see,
we wanted to keep him under constant surveillance,
'till we found out his whole process and
then we take the necessary steps.
I see.
Forrest City, number 7, Maple Road.
And...
and be careful with Kate?
She will you tell you taller stories than Pike?s Peak whether she's a
queen of Siam or
I'm a crook, but she's my daughter
and make it sound plausible.
That girl's an artiste!
So, be careful.
And before you go get me a doctor.
What's matter?
I'm going crazy,
that's what's the matter.
Why?
Let me get this straight.
In other words,
he was really a Treasury agent all along, right?
Who?
McGuffin.
Right.
And this girl we?re waiting for, she's not related to him in any way, right?
Right.
Well, how do you know she wasn't telling the truth?
Because she hit me and stole the plates.
And these...
these other 3 fellas,
they really weren't Treasury agents?
No, they were counterfeiters.
What's the matter with you?
Oh, no.
You now, Heyes, I'm sure glad we never went in for this kind of business.
At least with banks and railroads you know who is who.
Not this time.
What do you want?
I want to thank you for that clout on the head, which I could have done without.
Now, where the plates?
Well, I don't have them here, naturally.
What are you doing here then?
Nothing.
Nothing until Peterson shows up?
Peterson?
Yeah.
Peterson.
Who are you?
My name is Hotchkiss.
Thaddeus Hotchkiss.
Oh, by the way, we found McGuffin.
How is he?
Is he all right?
He's all right, now, yeah.
Oh, thank God.
Now, what's the thank God for?
I told you, he's my father.
I see, Miss McGuffin.
My name isn't McGuffin, it's Lewis. Catherine Lewis.
Counterfeit Kate, right?
Counterfeit Kate?
Well, where did you pick that up?
From McGuffin.
Oh, his name is McGuffin either.
It's Lewis, Gordon Lewis from Denver.
He's my father.
Sure, he is.
And next you're gonna tell us, that he had a print shop that was put out of business.
How did you know that?
You know, you're good.
You really are good.
He told us you would be.
Who?
McGuffin.
His name isn't McGuffin!
Look, he's my father and he published the Gazette in Denver.
And the mining companies bankrupted him.
So he became a criminal and I'm trying to save him from himself.
I gotta hand it to you, you're good.
You're right, she's good.
Why won't you believe me?
Because you keep hitting people on the head.
Now why are you waiting here for Peterson?
Because I want to turn Peterson in at the same time I turn the plates in.
Now, if I can do that, I can keep my father from being prosecuted.
Well now, Kate, you can forget about Peterson
and your dear father from Denver,
because you're taking us to get those plates
or we're taking you to the Treasury Department right now.
Now, what good would that do?
Well, it can get us out of trouble.
So, we'll just make up your mind.
All right, I'll...
show you where they are.
Where?
I hid them about 50 miles from here.
Now, just relax Kate, we promise to make this as painless as possible.
And then you can go back in your merry way.
Lying, cheating,
hitting people on the head.
At the moment I'd like to go to the restroom.
You just got on board.
I'm sorry, though the motion of the train affects my disposition.
Anyway, you gentlemen have nothing to worry about.
The train is going 40 miles an hour.
I couldn't jump off, even if I wanted to.
All right,
but you'll be back in five minutes.
What is this Hotchkiss business?
Everybody else is using in different names I thought I might as well, too.
What's the matter with Jones?
Well, it's so darn obvious it's an alias,
that's what's the matter with it.
Can I ask you something, Kid?
Yeah.
Isn't it just a little late to come to that conclusion?
They're Treasury agents.
I know they don't look, but that's their cover.
I'm taking them to where the plates are if you want to make a deal.
My deal's with McGuffin.
McGuffin is dead.
It's with me now or nobody.
You get me away from them and you'll have the plates and a fair deal.
You don't have much regard for my common sense, do you, Miss Lewis?
You take them to the plates.
Then I'll take you away from them.
But I'm not doing anything, 'till I've seen those plates.
Trust me.
You're a joke.
All right.
I'll trust you.
Feeling better?
Much.
Under those rocks.
You mean all those rocks?
Yes.
Would you just moving back a little?
Don't want you anywhere near our heads.
Don't you have found an easier place?
You mean like under the mattress?
You really did this all by yourself?
Under the mattress.
Now you dig for it.
Well, at least we got it.
Not for long, my friend.
Don't get nervous, please.
Now toss them out here.
Nice and easy.
Now come on out of there.
Lie down on your bellies.
Down.
You too, Miss Kate.
Me?
We had a deal!
We did have a deal.
Now we don't have a deal.
Why, you dirty...
Oh,
now that's not ladylike.
Let's make this real democratic.
You lie down, too.
On your belly.
Down.
Put your hands behind you.
Well, aren't you going to do something?
What would you suggest?
I don't know, think of something!
Kate, what we're thinking you wouldn't want us to do.
All right, Thaddeus, come on.
We've done this before.
Yeah, I know and I'm getting tired of it.
Well...
Come on, it's your turn to untie. I did it last time.
What about me?
Well, Kate,
I tell you the truth.
I'd love to leave you here.
But I'm gonna let you loose.
Because we're just...
...a couple of idiots.
Yeah.
But if you try one more trick,
just one,
I'm gonna hit you on the head.
He does and I will.
Is that understood?
Come on.
Wait.
Yeah.
Tracks look like he's heading right back to town.
Yeah, and probably the next train out.
Grey suit,
about six feet tall?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, it seems to me I do remember.
He took the two o'clock train East.
Wanted to know if he could still catch the afternoon boat out of Centralia.
Boat?
To New Orleans.
When's the next train to Centralia?
Not until tomorrow.
Tomorrow?
Is there a freight train through here today?
Well, yes, but
you can't get on that.
Kate, did you ever hop a freight?
What?
I'm of the Treasury Department.
Did a man named Harold Peterson book passage on that boat?
Peterson.
Peterson.
No, Peterson, but Patterson.
What did this Patterson look like you remember?
All aboard!
Well,
tall,
he's got light hair.
A mustache.
And he wore a...grey suit.
That's Peterson.
No, no, Petterson.
Mr. Hendrick Petterson.
All right, so he can't spell.
3 tickets, please.
Where to?
Next off.
Round trip?
No.
That'll be $6.
Thank you, sir.
Alright let's put up.
You take that way, I'll take this way
and you go with me.
I can't.
I'm too exhausted.
I can't take another step.
Alright, you stay here.
But I mean here.
And don't move.
Not even an inch.
Don't turn around.
Just keep looking right straight ahead.
Where are the plates?
You've got 5 seconds to hand them over or
we're gonna toss you over board right here and now.
They're...they're in my cabin.
Take it?
Just go real friendly-like.
Let's have them.
Means now.
Oh, don't tell me you hid it under the mattress!
They're gone!
You knot head, that's the first place they look.
Who?
Kate!
Do you ever quit?
Where are they?
Where are they?
What?
What?
They fell out.
In the river?
You don't know what you've done to us.
Now we got no way to prove we weren't involved.
Our only chance was if we turned in those plates.
Mine, too.
Where do all you people come from?
I've never seen so many crooks in all my life.
Every time I turn around, I bump into another one.
Do you know what's strange?
Except for a McGuffin we haven't run into one single Treasury agent during this entire mess.
Gentlemen,
you're wrong,
on all points.
I keep telling you his name isn't McGuffin.
It's Lewis.
And he is my father and he's not a Treasury agent.
Right, right...
But a Treasury agent has shown up in all of this.
Yeah?
Where?
Right here.
I'm a Treasury agent.
You really are a Treasury agent?
Every word I've told you from the very beginning has been the truth.
I came here and made a deal with the Treasury Department.
And if I could get those plates away from my father, they wouldn't prosecute him.
So they appointed me as a special agent on this one assignment.
You know those 3 men that we're looking for my father in the beginning?
Yeah.
They're Treasury agents, too.
Well, at least you're consistent.
Why do I listen to you?
Anyway with luck there's a chance I can clear you, too.
Sit down, please.
Miss Lewis,
I've gone over your report and I've studied your father's statement.
I'm afraid,
facts are facts.
Our arrangement was based upon your returning the plates
and we have only your word that they're at the bottom of the river.
I'm
sorry our hands are tied.
Your father is going to prison.
I am sorry.
Dad.
Look, all right.
don't...
don't be upset you
you did your best.
And I...
I reckon I?m not worth saving anyway.
Now,
as far as you two are concerned,
Come in.
Chief,
could we have a word with you?
Come in.
Now, go ahead.
You can talk in front of these people.
It's nothing about the case they don't know.
We just got a telegraph from the divers.
They found the plates.
How?
We saw where you jumped in, Miss.
Well,
I guess I'll have to take back everything I said about you two.
Dad!
Bye-bye Kate.
Good-bye Kate, Mr. McGuffin.
It isn't McGuffin,
it's
Lewis.
Gordon Lewis, Denver.
Printing business.
You may remember?
Right.
I know.
I guess we just got used to McGuffin.
We're gonna miss him.
So am I, as a matter of fact.
Dad...
Oh, no, no, don't worry, Kate,
I promise you no more plates.
Bye, boys.
Bye-bye.
Bye-bye.
Thanks for everything.
Take yourselves.
Now, if you ever get to Denver, look us up.
We will.
Bye, boys.
Take care of yourselves.
Kid,
everything clear to you now?
Sure.
Everything clear to you?
Sure.
Heyes, I'm worried.
As I've often said, Kid, if you didn't say you're worried I'd be worried.
What is it this time?
How do we really know we're out of trouble with the Treasury Department?
That's it! That is by far the dumbest question you've ever asked.
But if you insist on an answer, here it is:
the chief agent told us we're out of trouble.
You mean a man who said he was a chief agent told us.
How do we really know he was the chief agent?
Am I actually hearing this?
You were actually hearing this.
I thought so.
Alright, how do we know.
It said so on the door, didn't it?
Sure, but anyone could have put some lettering up on a door of an empty office.
It wasn't a government building, you know.
Are you serious about all this?
Sure, I am.
Which brings me back to my original question:
how do we know we're out of trouble with a Treasury Department?
Kid, I've got one for you:
how do we know we were ever in trouble with the Treasury Department?
Heyes, do me a favor.
What?
Forget I asked the question.
What was the question?