Alias Smith and Jones (1971–1973): Season 2, Episode 23 - Bad Night in Big Butte - full transcript

Oh, what is this Sheriff?

It's a holiday and I got a hotel or run.

Yeah, sheriff, what's the idea of bringing us in

the one night in the year we can have a little fun?

The idea is to prevent a great loss to our state.

You're gonna have to make a deal with me, if you want to go out of town alive.

Mr. Colby,

are you offering to make some kind of illicit deal with us

behind the sheriff's back?

Mr. Smith,

either you're too stupid for your own good



or you think I am.

I ain't.

I'm sealing off the town,

I'm callin on every man I can trust.

Mr. Colby, I assure you, that neither my partner nor me,

has ever seen or had anything to do with a $200,000 diamond.

You really mean business, don't you?

You bet I do.

And if you want to test me you'll find out.

If I'm lying to you, may I be struck dead.

Mr. Smith,

if you're lying to me that's exactly what will happen.

Hannibal Heyes and Kid Curry

The two most successful outlaws
in the history of the West



and in all the trains and banks
they robbed they never shot anyone.

This made our two
Kansas cousins very popular

with everyone
but the railroads and the banks.

One thing we gotta get, Heyes.
What's that?

Out of this business.

The governor can't come flat out
and give you amnesty now

first you gotta prove you deserve it.

Lom, are you saying that all
we've got to do is stay out of trouble

until the governor figures
that we deserve amnesty?

And in the meantime
we'll still be wanted?

Well, that's true

until then only you me and
the governor will know about it.

It'll be our secret.

That's a good deal?

I sure wish the governor let
a few more people in our secret.

Still there?

Yep.

Still there?

Like a shadow.

I'm sure he don't know us,
leastways on sight.

How he'd pick up our trail?

I don't know, but he don't seem too important right now.

Thing is what are we gonna do about it?

I don't know, Kid.

They say once Boot Coby lands on your tail, you can only end two ways.

Both bad.

You could be right,

maybe doesn't know us.

But we know him, so let's get out of here.

Heyes, may I remind you that we have spent a month trying to find Georgette?

We leave her trail now, it's gonna take
us another month to pick it up again.

All right,

let's find Georgette,
then get out of here.

Skeet Jenkins?

Yeah, he lived here for a spell.

Just how long is a spell, Sheriff?

Well, his lasted about two months.

Means gone now?

Yup.

Any idea where he went?

Down the road about a mile and a half.

What's down the road about a mile and a half?

The cemetery.

Jenkins is dead?

Well, he hasn't actually admitted it,

but you know you can't believe a word 'em old outlaws say.

You don't mind, sheriff,

I've been riding a long way.

Could you tell me how long he's been dead?

Ah...two days.

He leave any...

things behind?
Any...

papers...

letters...

No,

it's a funny thing -
his daughter asked me that same question.

His daughter?

She got in this morning,

just in time for the funeral.

Well, that description does sound a whole lot like one of our guests,

but her name is Jenkins

not Sinclair.

Jenkins?

Georgette Jenkins?

And let no man pass judgement on the departed.

Ashes to ashes,

dust to dust.

Amen.

Naw,

that can't be George.

Why not?

Her father spent some hard years being in prison at all.

Yeah, but his name wasn't Jenkins.

Could be an alias.

I heard that people are use 'em.

Not to be buried in.

Are you thinking on staying long, ma'am?

I got a fellow standing by here.

He'll fill it in.

No, not long.

Let's go see if that is her.

Wait!

We can't just busting on her.

She may want to be alone in a time like this.

Oh, Mr. Billings.

Hey,

what I'd tell you, huh?

I know this may seem a little irregular, but

I was very distressed to find that...
my father

hadn't left a certain letter behind.

Did you by chance

go through his pockets?

Are you accusing me...?

Oh, no.

I just...
thought...

you might have come across it by accident.

I never go through any man's pockets
- dead or alive.

Well, if it isn't too late

do you think you could on

in this one occasion...

You mean

open up the lid?

I suppose you'd almost have to.

I'd be willing to

to pay you $10 extra.

Well, it's your funeral.

Oh, thank you so much!

George!

Oh, I don't believe this.

If you're interested, lady,

he's got a friend which'd charm the head off your head.

Oh, I've missed you.

Both of you.

Wait a minute,

this is no accident.

How'd you find me?

Well, it's kind of a long story, George.

And this may not be the place to be discussing it.

We want you to know,

how sorry we are.

Thank you

There's anything we can do...

The worst is over.

Well,

sometimes things work out for the best.

I have faith in that.

There's one thing we were wondering, George.

What's that?

Who's Skeet Jenkins?

Skeet Jenkins was

my father's best friend from his more crooked days.

I guess, Skeet knew he was dying, because he

he sent for my father, but

but my father was too ill to come and

I arrived too late, and it's all very sad.

Well, if you don't want to talk about it, George, we understand.

Yeah, George, we'll just get our business transacted with you and be on our way.

Business?

You were right, George.
It was no accident that we ran into you.

We came to negotiate alone.

That's right, George.

You'd be surprised how hard it is for two upright and enterprising fellows

to borrow money.

No, I wouldn't be surprised at all.

Especially if they're both outlaws.

George,

we've gone straight, you know that.

What we've got for you is a straight 100% legitimate proposition.

That's right, George.

We want to borrow $3,000 from you and

give you half interest on the deal.

What kind of a deal are we talking about?

It'll be just like wedding in the bank.

My money is in a bank don't ask me which one.

You still haven't answered me.

George, you gotta take our word for it!

This is a surefire proposition.

We wouldn't think of risking the money of a good friend like you.

Fellas, this surefire proposition,

what is it?

It's a poker game, George.

Sorry, boys, poker is not my idea of a sound investment.

Now, George, you just don't understand the game.

All aboard for Big Butte.
You folks got your tickets?

I have, these two gentlemen were just saying goodbye.

George, you sure you won't reconsider?

I'm sure.

And him again?

That's him again.

For a man who isn't interested in us, Boot Coby seems awfully interested in us.

Forget it.

If he knew who we were, he'd have done something about it now.

Well, if it isn't us, he's watching, it sure is somebody around here.

You know I've been thinking fellas.

The way you play poker, Heyes, it isn't gambling.

It's more like investing in...

an accounting firm.

I think I'll go along.

On...

one condition.

What kind of condition, George?

I stake you to your poker game, if

you agree to help me.

Oh, no, I don't know what you got yourself -
No, there's no way we're getting involved -

Now, boys, please,

at least hear me out.

I'm just stopping off in Big Butte for one night.

That's a promise my father made

for Mr. Jenkins

before he passed on.

That promise wouldn't have anything to do with that envelope

that you took out of the box back there in the cemetery, would it?

I'm afraid
I'm not at liberty to discuss that.

It's personal.

However,

I give you my solemn word

you'll only have to stay with me and Big Butte for one night.

After that

I'll proceed with you to my bank in Denver

and draw out all the necessary funds you need for your poker game.

I'll have your bag for you in a minute, ma'am.

Morning stage's in, Sheriff.

Many strangers?

Naw, it's two men and a woman.

Pretty?

Woman wasn't bad.

Traffic startin' sooner than last year.

Now, folks must know we put on the best 4th of July in these parts.

That must be it.

I'm sorry miss, but the front corner room on the top floor has already been taken.

Well, there's a...
reason why I want that particular room.

A sentimental reason.

Perhaps the good folks who are occupying it would be

willing to change with me.

Well, I doubt it you see they asked for that room special.

They asked for it?

Special?

Who?

Oh, the two gentlemen that registered just ahead of you...

Mr. Smith and Mr. Jones.

Kid, you were right.

This window looks right down on the sheriff's office.

This one takes in all the Main Street.

Any trouble drifts in the town, we'll sure be able to see it coming.

At least we can't be surprised.

Who is it?

Georgette.

I just thought we might play a little...

Oh...
dear...

What is it, George?
What's wrong?

This room.

So much smaller than mine is.

How would you like to switch?

I'm sure you'd be much more comfortable being...

there's two of you and only one...

That's very nice for you to offer, but it has view we like.

View?

Oh, I just thought that...

Are you free for dinner?

If you are, I'd love you to be my guests.

Shall we say...

eight o'clock sharp, hotel dining room.

Kid, I think it's time we find out what she's up to.

And I don't think it's good.

Oh, good evening, Mr. Colby.
I trust your room is satisfactory?

My room is fine.
I need some information.

Well, if I can be of any service...

Did a lady check in today,
a Miss Jenkins?

No, nobody by that name.

You sure?

Positive.

Give me a list of all the names and room numbers

of everybody that's checked in in the last 24 hours.

Mr. Colby, I'm afraid that sort of information is rather confidential.

However, I'll see what I can do.

Thank you.

He's watching us like a hawk, eying a couple of prairie chickens.

Sounds good.

Good?

Chicken.
I believe I'll have that.

One, two, three.

Hey, Kid, he can't be after us.

If he'd even suspected who we were

he'd be trying to take us in.

Now, he followed that stagecoach we were on

the only other person on it besides us was George and can't be after...

You're right, Heyes.

It is time we find out what she's up to.

Mr. Colby,

here's that list you requested:

the names and room numbers of everybody that has registered in the last 48 hours.

I'm sorry, I'm late.

Oh, that's all right, George.

You know the man, George?

Oh,

no, should I?

Well, it depends on what your business is here in Big Butte.

He makes his living turning people like us in.

Recovering stolen property, things like that.

He's very good at it.

One of the best.

Oh, well, I can see why you'd be concerned, but

why should I?
I told you I just came to Big Butte as

kind of a

good Samaritan.

Well, that man over there considers himself kind of a

good Samaritan too, George.

But he only shows up when it's a real worthy cause.

Oh, when there's money involved, it's worthy.

How about it?

How about what?

What are you up to, George?

And how much is it worth?

It's gonna take a lot to keep us sticking around this time.

There is no money involved.

Wait

there may be some money involved

later on.

How much money?

And how much later?

$50,000 in a few days.

You told us it was gonna be overnight.

Well, maybe it'll be just a

little bit longer.

We're gonna have to renegotiate.

Maybe take a half of what you get.

Why, you're thieves!

Please, George, not so loud.

Somebody might take you seriously and be right.

50-50 that's it.

Oh, no.

I'll give you a flat 30%.
Take it or leave it.

Tell us what we're taking or leaving.

Nothing...

yet.

Fellas,

look

if we can't trust each other who can we trust?

Have letting off a little steam, boys?

You'd mind telling me what you expect to find out there?

Just take it easy, young fella.

We all know what we're looking for.

Boys,

would do yourself a big favor if you owned up to where you hid it.

Hid what, Sheriff?
We don't know what you're talking about.

Oh, you don't know what he's talking about?

The two you have no visible reason to be in this town.

But you just happen to pull in on a certain night

when the statute of limitations ran out on a very famous robbery.

And you just happen to check in the hotel where that robber was captured.

And you just happen to tear up the room where that robber stayed.

And it's all coincidence?

Yes sir, that's - that's the way it happened.

And you never heard of the Thurston diamond worth over $200,000, do you?

Two

hundred...
thousand...?

You two put on as good an act as I've ever seen.

Boys,

I'm gonna let you go.

Sam.

Sheriff, are you crazy?

I run things in my town if you don't mind!

Come over here.
I want to talk to you in private.

Now, she did it to us again.
$50,000.

30% is 30%

Just get your clothes on before he changes his mind.

At least let me take one of 'em out and work on 'em little.

I've had some experience with this kind of boy.

I'm aware of your experience, Mr. Colby,

and we'll do things my way.

We sure do appreciate this, Sheriff.

We'll be out of town before you say happy fourth of July.

I'm sorry, boys,

but I have to insist you stick around Big Butte.

Stick around?

Well, it's only for a day or so.

There's the matter of your hotel, you know.

Well, we already told you, Sheriff, we didn't do it.

But we haven't decided who did.

And unless you are volunteering to pay for it out of the goodness of your hearts,

Now, it's not the goodness of our hearts that's stopping us, sheriff,

it's the emptiness of our pockets.

Well, like I said, enjoy your stay.

I'm sure we'll get this thing straightened out.

Well, if we hear anything, sheriff,

we'll let you know.

Yeah, we're much obliged for your kindness, sheriff.

Goodnight.
Goodnight.

I brought those two in.

You had no business letting them go.

They might already have passed that diamond to an accomplished.

No, they couldn't.

You see,

that room they tore up,

wasn't even part of the hotel seven years ago,

when the Thurston diamond disappeared.

Third floor wasn't built until last year.

And

seeing as how we're talking about why people might be in town,

how about you, Boot?

It's no secret, Sheriff,

in the opinion of many folks that Thurston diamond will

officially belong to the state if it's ever recovered.

That means there'll be a 10% fee for its recovery.

I aim to collect that fee.

What do you take me for, a complete idiot?

A lot of people don't think the state has any claim at all in that diamond.

and that it belonged to whoever finds it.

Now, I just don't happen to share that belief,

but that's because I happen to be a hard-working, honest, public servant.

Well, you on the other hand...

are a

miserable...

lyin?...

backstabbin' opportunist.

You just keep talking, Sheriff,

and that badge ain't gonna be big enough for you to hide behind.

You don't frighten me.

You don't frighten me at all with your threats, Mr. Colby.

Your reputation tells me you aren't the kind of

turn that diamond over for any 10% fee.

I think you're here to get your hands on that diamond

and run as far as you can 'till you get out of this state.

Then you're gonna hire yourself one of those fancy lawyers

and you'll be a rich man before I ever find out who it belongs to.

Well, as long as we're being frank, Sheriff, you don't fool me either.

You want me out of town, so you can collect the fee.

Sheriffs don't collect fees.

We get paid a salary for recovering things.

And if I recover that diamond

my reward is going to be a thank-you letter from the governor.

Very nice and if he gets around to it.

Well,

that's your story, Sheriff.

Looks to me, like we're gonna standoff here.

No standoff.

Just in understanding -

you try to get away with anything in my town,

and I'm gonna make you sorry.

Either we work together or you don't stay in this town at all.

Two, three.

One, two, three, four.

We want a new room.

Oh no, you don't.

I saw that room you just walked out of and,

well, I figure you owe me $50.

Well now, friend, if you don't give us a new room we're going to the sheriff.

You're right the sheriff?

That's right. You see somebody broke in the room that we rented from you

and proceeded to tear the place up.

Now,

we're thinking of suing you,

because it looks to us like an inside job.

An inside job?

That's right. The sheriff's talked us out of suing you for the moment,

but if we don't find ourselves back inside

a nice, comfortable room within the next 3 minutes

That's a brand-new room without the extra ventilation in the ceiling!

All right, all right, just take your pick.

What room would you like?

Now, what else you got in the front side of the building?

Well,

I can give you the room directly underneath the room you had.

That'll be fine.

Thank you.

Good night.

Excuse me.

Oh, yes.

Do you mind if I ask you a question?

Well, that depends on what it is.

Well,

I have always been fascinated by

stories of desperados.

And I understand that you once had a robber holed up right

here in this hotel.

That's right, we did.

Skeet Jenkins was his name.

It happened just seven years ago tonight.

As a matter of fact, the statute of limitations on that crime runs out at midnight.

You must have been a very brave man.

Well,

you see,

I was covering the lobby,

but most the shooting went on up on the roof.

The sheriff got a wooden leg out of the deal, you know.

He fell off chasing old Skeet.

The sheriff fell off a three-story building
and only lost a leg?

Oh, no. You see, it was only a
two-story building then.

The hotel has been modernized.
We added another floor just last year.

Then...

that would mean seven years ago the second floor was

a top floor.

You're a bright young lady.

Heyes, I think we're sticking our necks out an awful long way

hanging around this town.

Colby's starting to get that haven't-I-seen-you-before look on his face.

But he hadn't seen us before, Kid, you know that.

Well, descriptions may be starting to seem awfully familiar to 'em.

Now, I'm sure that diamonds gonna be $60,000, Kid.

We can lay low forever on that kind of money.

Oh, yeah, if there really is a diamond.

I mean, if it was really hidden around here

don't you think somebody 'd stumbled across it in seven years?

No, no, I saw a two $200.000 diamond once

at Soapy Sounder's place in San Francisco.

You know, it wasn't much bigger than a .45 caliber slug.

And that can be pretty easy to hide.

I've got it!

George, tore up that room!

Why sure.

I figure Skeets left her some way of knowing right where he stashed it.

Oh, yeah?

Well, why did't she find it?

How do you know she didn't?

Well, it's easy.

She tore up the room before she made a deal with us.

If she already had the diamond, why would she make a deal?

She wouldn't.

Right.

Right.

You know the best thing for us to do?

Get a couple hours of sleep, wait 'till this town quiets down

and then get out.

You're right, Kid,

that's what we should do.

Well?

Well what?

Well, is that what we're gonna do?

No.

What do you mean 'no'?

We are not gonna leave this town until we find that diamond.

Heyes, you haven't listened to a word I've said to you.

Sticking around this town is crazy!

Of course, it is.
But it's gonna make us rich!

Got fourteen men in place, the rest are on their way.

Ain't none of them too happy about it.

That's right!
Oh, what is this, Sheriff?

It's a holiday and I got a hotel or run.

Yeah, sheriff, what's the idea of bringing us in

the one night in the year we can have a little fun?

The idea is to prevent a great loss to our state.

I'm deputizing you.

Deputizin'?

That's right.

I'm sealing off the town,

I'm callin? on every man I can trust.

I'm going back to the party.

Doc,

you take one more step

and I'll throw you in jail.

You really mean business, don't you?

You bet I do.

And if you want to test me, you'll find out.

Hey Kid,

Who is it?

Boot Coby.

What do you want?

We have some unfinished business.

My partner's asleep.

Anything you have to say you can say to me for the both of us.

All right, Mr. Smith.

You can tell your partner

both of you

are in very dangerous company.

You didn't fool the sheriff, and you don't fool me.

We know,

that you and your little lady friend are working together.

We know that either

one of you or all three of you knows where that diamond is.

So you're gonna have to make a deal with me, if you want to get out of town alive.

Mr. Coby,

are you offering to make some kind of illicit deal with us

behind the sheriff's back?

Mr. Smith,

either you're too stupid for your own good

or you think I am.

I ain't.

Mr. Coby, I assure you that neither my partner nor me

has ever seen or had anything to do with $200,000 diamond.

Mr. Coby,

if I'm lying to you, may I be struck dead.

Mr. Smith,

if you're lying to me that's exactly what will happen.

You understand?

Oh, I think I do.

Happy hunting.
I won't be far away.

What you think you're doing?

What are you doing with a diamond in your bellybutton?

It belongs to me!

Last men are in place. I got Hank set up down by the livery stable and

Jason has his eye on the roof of the hotel.
So what do we do now?

We wait.

How long?

As long as necessary.

And if they trying to get it out of town,

we'll be waiting for them.

I am rich you're rich.

You're rich?

Well, legally belongs to me.

It was willed to me by the man who stole it.

Well, you're on solid legal ground there,
George, no doubt about it.

My father tried to discourage Skeet from taking it.

He said it would ruin Skeets life and
...it did.

Now wait a minute, would you go over that one more time?

Seven years ago, Skeet Jenkins came to my father

and told him that he had been approached by a man

who wanted him to rob Wilton R. Thurston.

Who was the man?
Wilton R. Thurston.

You're repeating yourself, George.

No, I'm not.

I know this sounds a little crazy,

but Thurston had made some bad investments and all he had left was the diamond.

So, he hired Skeet to steal it.

So, he could collect on the insurance

and have cash in hand again without anyone knowing he was bankrupt.

Yes, George,

it does sound a little crazy.

But it's all true!

And Skeet was coming to get the diamond when the statute ran out,

but he died and

left it to me.

George,

a stolen diamond does not belong to the heirs of the thief that stole it,

it belongs the heirs of the victim.

But Thurston died before the insurance company could pay the claim and

there were no heirs.

It still doesn't belong to you, George.

All right, maybe it just belongs to whoever finds it - and that's me.

George,

Possession is nine-tenths of the law.

All I have to do is get this thing safely out of this town

and then out of the state.

That's all?

George, do you have any idea

how close they're gonna be watching you when you try that?

Sure.

And I have a plan.

Oh, don't you want to hear it?

The plan is

I don't check out,

I sneak out
right now

in the middle of the night while everyone's shooting off fireworks out on Main Street.

Well,

what do you think?

That's a great plan, George.

What are you planning on doing for horses?

I knew you'd figure out that part.

You did?

Well, you did plan on doing something for your 30%, didn't you?

George, if you want help,

you're gonna have to do it my way
'cause your plan won't work.

It will work!
No, way.

It will work!
It won't!

It will...

Good morning, folks.

Can I help you with your luggage?

You turn around now, Sheriff.

Well?

No sign of any diamond.

Sheriff, unless I'm wrong it's

it's not legal to lock up folks
without charging 'em with something.

We haven't done anything.

And why were you climbing out of a hotel window

in the middle of the night on a rope made of sheets?

Because we did come here to find the diamond,

but it wasn't where we thought it would be, so we wanted to leave.

But we knew we'd be searched and

we didn't want to be humiliated in front of the whole town.

You expect me to believe that?

Well, we would appreciate that, Sheriff.

'Cause like we told you before,
we haven't done anything.

Mr. Jones,

everybody has done something.

And if I dig deep enough, I can usually find out what it is.

Now, Sheriff, I've been listening to all this just as patiently as I could.

Now, how would you like to get down to business?

What kind of a deal would you make with us

if we came up with that diamond that you're talking about, huh?

Well, now we're getting someplace.

Maybe I can offer you a deal.

You hand over that diamond and I'll hand you over these keys.

Sheriff, I want to talk to you for a minute in private.

What?

I remind you

you have no right to make any deal.

The diamond is mine,

and he can't keep us in jail forever.

Oh, no?

Well, why don't you tell him that?

Now, if we're done things your way
they'd already had the diamond.

Why don't you just start trusting me?

I'm getting just a little tired of you

including yourself in on official business.

It ain't all I'm including myself in on.

You ain't fooling me for a minute.

What's that supposed to mean?

You may have them fooled over there but not me.

I know what's on your mind.

I don't like the tome of your voice.

What are you insinuatin'?

Ain't insinuatin' nothing,
I'm telling you flat out.

You want the diamond as much as I do.

And not just for the satisfaction
of a letter from the governor.

That robbery seven years ago cost your leg.

You figure you've earned every penny
of the $200,000 that diamonds worth.

You know, I could lock you up on what you just said.

But you won't.

And if you make a deal with them cutting me out,

I'll track you down and don't care where you go.

Think about it, Sheriff.

Half a $200,000 is better than
half of nothin'.

There'll be no talk about a deal.

Once they get that diamond in their hands

we might be out of jail,

but we'll be out of everything else, too.

Then we'll just have to keep it out of their hands, won't we?

What do you have in mind?

Well, you make a nice little deal with them for the diamond.

then you and me split what it's really worth.

Mr. Smith

Yes, sir.

I've been thinking it over

and I'm willing to talk you a deal.

It's my contention

in the absence of a legal heir

the Thurston diamond rightfully belongs to the state.

And I'm authorized

to offer a suitable finder's fee for its return.

How suitable?

Well,

the diamond must be with about $200,000.

How about $1,000 for each one of you
which is $3,000.

Are you out of your mind?

A finder's fee is always at least 10%.

You want to take my advice?

You will take it and be grateful.

Who gets the other 17,000?

I'd rather rot in jail for the rest of my life.

You may do just that.

We'll take it!
What?

Trust me!
Now you're talking.

Where's the diamond?

Haven't got the foggiest notion.
What?

Well, it's like I told you fellas.

We never did find the diamond.

But I know how I can.

Of course, you're gonna have to let me out of here to do it.

Just keep in mind your friends
stay in jail till you get back here.

That thought, Sheriff, will be my constant companion.

With luck I'll return within two days.

I don't trust him.

Neither do I.

But what do we got to lose?

Hit me.

Shoot.

That makes $1,800 you owe me.

He's back, Sheriff.

It took three days.

Well, it takes time to find diamonds, Sheriff,

or the means to findin' diamonds.

What's that supposed to mean?
Yeah, what is this?

You mustn't touch it.

I had ti sign my life away to borrow the contents of this cage.

Hey, what do you want to?
What's this all about?

Now, Sheriff, you want to recover a diamond.

Well, to do that I had to go to the Denver Zoo.

You what?

It's the only place in this hemisphere I know,

where they've got an Africanus Phodopus.

What's that?

A great African diamond hunter.

He's asleep now and I don't want to wake him up.

So, everybody stand back and don't make too much noise.

Stand back.

I still don't trust him.

I don't believe a word he's saying.

Neither do I.

But let's let him think we do,

and find out what he's up to.

You're trying to tell me a mouse can find diamonds?

A rodent, Sheriff, not a mouse.

A phodopus.
And you don't have to believe me, Sheriff,

the diamond's gonna speak for itself.

Oh, I'm sure it will, Mr. Smith.

Aren't you, Sheriff?

Oh yeah, sure, of course.

And I can't wait 'till we get started.

I assume you have some reason

for having this all wrapped up like a newborn babe?

Oh, yes.

You see if I undrape the cage

he'll be useless to us.

Their little eyes are very sensitive.

They're night animals like most rodents.

Now sure there'd be a good reason.

When we put the critter to work?

Well, it's dark now.
We could get started right away.

Well, sure let's get started.

Bring along your mouse, your puppa..

Phodopus, Sheriff.

And the nearest replacement's in South Africa.

We gotta keep this parade out in the street.

That's just what I had in mind.

All right folks,

this is official and confidential business.

And I'd appreciate it if you'd move along.

Sam, hold the folks back.

All right, wander on home, folks.

I'll have to go into my room here by myself.

Why?

Well, gentlemen, this creature is a rare and sensitive rodent.

He can hardly be expected to move freely around a darkened room

all cluttered with people.

Makes sense.

Gotta give the little fella some room to do its work.

Of course, you'll be able to search me when I come out.

Don't worry about that, Mr. Smith.

You be sure and lock this after me.

Wouldn't you worry about that either.

What do you think?
I don't know.

Just give me a little more room.

You see anything?

No.

Here let me.

You know he could be climbin' out one of 'em windows.

Not with that Street full of people.

I think we've waited long enough.

I think so, too.

What's going on?
What's happened in here?

I'm afraid I have bad news.

What bad news?

I turned the phodopus loose and he gave back none of the signs

I'd been told to expect if there was a diamond anywhere near.

So finally, I put him back there in the cage.

Gentlemen,

I'm afraid we're never gonna know what happened to that diamond.

That remains to be seen.

Mr. Smith,

come along with me.

And bring your puppa...

your mouse with you.

Well, we might as well face it,

he must be telling the truth.

There ain't nothing here and we've

turned everything inside out put their skins.

Nothing in the room!

I tore it clean apart and there's nothing.

Well,

I guess that's it.

Considering we didn't find the diamond, Sheriff,

I for one am willing to forget my share of the reward.

Me too, Sheriff.

Oh, right.

You really gonna let 'em go?

Now, we can't keep them forever, Mr. Coby.

I guess you did all you could.

Yes sir, Sheriff,

I did.

And I sure am sorry.

Oh,

almost forgot.

No, you don't.

The rat stays here 'till we find the diamond.

They're not gonna like that at the Denver Zoo.

Maybe not, but I think we will.

All right,

I don't understand it.

Must not be a purebred.

The answer, Sheriff,

is right there in that cage.

You think he'd like a piece of cheese?

Heyes, will you stop being so smug and tell me what you did?

I'm not sure you did anything.
Where's my diamond?

Well, it's not back there.

All right, how did you get out of the hotel?

Genius George, sheer genius.

Well, unless I'm mistaken,

it's right here.

Unless you're mistaken?

You mean, you're not even sure you got it?

Well, I'm reasonably sure.
It worked every time in practice.

I just hope the real great African diamond hunter didn't get lost.

The real great...?
Hey, come on it's me - the Kid.

There's no such thing as a great African diamond hunter.

A homing pigeon!

A bird in hand is worth

$200,000.

Heyes, you are a genius!

Well, well, well...

Well? Well?
Well?

Well, it's a nice sized stone.

How much, Soapy?

In carats I'd say...

No, in dollars, Soapy.

Oh, just round it off to the nearest thousand.

We won't quibble about $50 give or take.
No.

I'm glad you feel that way, because that's just about what it's worth.

$50.

It's quartz.

Quartz?
Quartz?

Quartz...

I'd been afraid of that.

Since when?

Ever since you told me that story of old Mr. Thurston,

hirin' somebody to steal his diamond.

Well,

I guess that's that.

Oh, not quite, George.

There's still the matter of our poker stake.

That's right, George, we got a deal.

A deal?

Come now!

You don't really expect me to take my life savings and

and go into business with two men who don't know the difference

between a diamond and quartz?

George...

What have I gotten myself involved with you anyway?

A bunch of crooks!