Alfred Hitchcock Presents (1955–1962): Season 6, Episode 36 - Final Arrangements - full transcript

Leonard Thompson is not a very happy man. He's married to a shrewish, bedridden wife who blames him for her condition. She's constantly demanding that he ask for a raise and spend more money on her. Leonard decides to do something about his situation. He visits a funeral director and pre-purchases the most expensive funeral available. He then goes to a pharmacy and purchases poison, insisting that he needs something painless. Then at the appointed time, he confronts his wife, one last time.

Good evening, we
decided to utilize,

assembly line methods in
the making of our shows,

mine is the
last operation,

you will notice one of our
productions coming along now,

also saccharin,

a little pruning,

a one,

two commercials,

three commercials,

ah here's another one,

I can see this is going
to keep me quite busy,

in the meantime suppose you look
at one of the finished products.


-Good morning.
- Good morning. -Can we be of assistance?

Well uh yes I’d like
some information.

Well of course,

you have lost a loved one, eh?

Well it's rather
difficult to talk about.

Well of course, shall we step
into the uh counseling room?

Thank you.

Uh please sit down.


I’d like some information,

well about a funeral.

Well of course uh,

at a time like this relatives
usually has a number of questions,

now I I think you'll find it
easier if we fill out this form.

-For the necessary details,

the uh, disposition
of the remains, the,

the name of the
deceased and and so on.

Could that wait for later? um I’m really
interested in in the arrangements.

Oh certainly I I
understand exactly,

shall we start with
the uh caskets then?

If it's customary...

Oh certainly, we always want our clients
to know exactly what they're getting,

so we uh step this way?

Now uh here's our dignity service,

this model has been most
popular with our clients,

this model not including a floral
selection, and a gift to the officiate,

would cost uh uh 2600 dollars.

-Too expensive?

Never mind,

over here we have something
a little bit cheaper,

scale to meet the
needs of everyone,

the uh peerless model,

it combines simplicity
with good taste.

Actually, what I had in
mind was something more,


-You mean something more elaborate?

Oh in that case,

allow me to,

recommend this,

our supremacy service.

the casket of finest mahogany,

with bronzed embellishments,

and lined with quilted satin,

our private chapel
banked with flowers,

music by the finest
organist in the city,

a service if I may
say so fit for a king,

and the cost is only 4780 dollars,

think of it as a last
tribute to your loved one.

-I’ll take it. -You will never
regret the supremacy service,

now, for a few uh
necessary details,

uh what physician signed
the death certificate?

Well I’m afraid there isn't
any death certificate.

-No death certificate?
-No. -Well this is uh, most irregular,

but, what is the
name of the deceased?

Well there isn't any deceased,


And then Leonard I had to
get up and I had to drag,

myself just as sick as I am
all the way to the front door.

-Mr Thompson?
-and it was that man from the cleaners.

Cicero honey now
shh, mama's talking.

Leonard? Now listen
to me he wanted,

the bill for the last two
months, now I gave you the,

money for that bill then
and what did you do with it?

Did you spend it at that terrible
old curio shop? because if you did,

Leonard you know
I’ve told you if you,

waste any more of
our money that way,

oh Cicero, oh now shhh.

-Leonard? -Elsie I haven't been to
mr Bradshaw’s shop for a couple of months,

and to,

you must know the truth,

there was a collection made in the office
for one of the girls who had an accident,

well of course I gave it to them,

I didn't want them to think that my
wife just only gave me lunch money,

no Elsie, I didn't
mean it that way,

if you would only listen to me, I,

-Mr Thompson?
-Yeah hold it, what?

-Mr Andrews is waiting it's very urgent.
-Yes I know, I’ll be right there.

Thank you. Elsie I can't talk
to you now, I’ll call you back.

All right Leonard, you go, but don't
think that I’m going to forget this,

you have no idea of the value of
money I have to drum it into you,

you're going to have to realize
that money doesn't grow on trees.

Mr Bradshaw?


Mr Bradshaw?

Well, mr Thompson, haven't
seen you in quite some time.

-Well your door was unlocked.
-Well I was about to close up,

what can I do for you?

Well if you're closing maybe I
better come back another time.

Oh no I wouldn't hear
of it. As a matter of fact,

I’ve been wanting
to get a hold of you,

show you some stuff
that I got here,

-Oh good.

take a look at this
witch doctor's mask,

-came on the Solomon islands, ugly thing,
isn't it that? -Yes.

-Ceremonial mask?
-Yes it's uh,

using the head hunting
dance before the tribe sets,

out to lop the noggins off
a few of their neighbors,

-would you like to have it mr Thomsom?
-No, thanks,

I’ve already bought
two masks from you.

So you have, how so ever here's a
little item that you might enjoy,

it's a blue gun made
by african pygmies,

shoots poison darts.

-Poison darts?
-That genuine article,


you see that brown
goo there on the tip?

That's the poison,

I got this from a french sailor,

I haven't even had a
chance to clean it off yet,

pygmy blows,

the dart hits a monkey
up in the tree,

down comes the monkey dead
in the door nail,

just a scratch
is all it takes.

-Really? As quick as that?

As a matter of fact maybe I...

I couldn't sell it to
you till I cleaned it up,

can't go around selling people
poison darts now could it?

-No I guess not.

if you want it too wide
and lay it away for you.

No I’m just looking today, to tell the
truth my wife doesn't like my hobby.

Women, they just don't
seem to have the,

spirit of adventure do
they mister Thompson.

-They sure don't.
-But as long as you're here,

let me show you a couple of
beauties I got in from Persia,



hold it,

feel that balance,

and it's just as
sharp as razor,

whyte go into a man
like cutting hot butter,

Yeah, but once you got it in,

how would you get it out?

I think this will
help you mrs Thompson.

Thank you dr Maxwell
I know it will,

and I’d like you to stop in
again tomorrow just to check.

-Yes of course you want me to.
-Oh I do, because doctor,

you don't know how
I suffer sometimes,

you know that for 15 years I’ve
been an invalid because of him,

-ever since he took me on that horrible
trip to Haiti. -Haiti?

Yes, oh that's where
I had my accident,

he insisted that I go with him
and I climb some old ruins,

and I got dizzy and I fell,

and I was in a
cast for months,

and then this pain started,

doctor, do you think if I got some
heat treatments it would help?

Well mrs Thompson if
you take my advice...

Leonard is that you?

Well come in. You're late Leonard.

-I had a few things to attend to.
-This is dr Maxwell.

-Doctor, my husband.
-How do you do mr Thompson?

I’m glad to have the chance to meet you,
I was just telling your wife I think she,

ought to have a little
exercise such as walking.

Dr Maxwell has been so encouraging.

Thank you.

-Until tomorrow doctor.
-Right, mrs Thompson.

I brought you milk.

Another new doctor Elsie?

You really don't want me
to get well do you Leonard?

Years ago dr barns said you
should have some exercise.

Never mind what dr Barns said,

you're disappointed because dr
Maxwell is going to help me,

You'd just rather I would
die wouldn't you Leonard?

How can you say such a thing?

You think I don't know it?

Ever since you dragged
me off to that horrible,

trip to Haiti you've
been wanting me dead,

so you could go on your
trip to the south seas,

or the orient or any one of those
nasty little foreign countries.

Well, Elsie I’m sorry
about the accident,

-I know it's my fault.
-You go to that curio shop,

and you get out of there and you think
you're Leonard Thomson great white hunter,

or something equally idiotic,

Leonard you're pathetic
you couldn't kill a mouse.

I might surprise you Elsie.

The only way that you could
surprise me is to act like a man,

and you're going
to have to,

you're going to have
to ask for a raise,

you're going to have
to make more money,

you're going to have to hire a real
housekeeper because I’m sick of your cooking,

and I’m sick of that sloppy cleaning
woman who comes here only once a week,

you are going to have to
take care of me Leonard,

the way a husband should take care
of a wife that he has made a crip of,

you know what dr
Maxwell said to me?

he said that if I
take care of myself,

I can live another 30 years,

you hear that Leonard?
another 30 years.

Ah mr Sims...

-Mr Thompson... -Mr Sims I want
you to handle all the details.

-Well fine, you still want the supremacy
service? -Yes,

and here is four thousand seven
hundred eighty dollars in cash.

I want four thousand seven hundred
eighty dollars of sim service.

Why, quite so mr
Thompson quite so,

you will be completely satisfied,

-we will outdo ourselves.
-I’m counting on that.

Now for a few necessary details,

what is the name
of the deceased?

You don't have to
worry about that now,

here's the address, I want you to come
by tomorrow evening to collect the body.

Yes but,

this is most irregular.

Shall we say tomorrow
evening at eight o'clock?

-Eight o'clock?

Look out mr Thompson
I can't stop.

All right, I'll catch
you, here we go, there.

-Thanks mr Thompson.
-You almost took a tumble.

-You dropped something.
-Oh thank you.

What is it?

Well Billy that's called an amulet,

that's a good luck piece for
somebody going on a trip.

You're going on a trip?
-Yes, I am.

I’d like to go on a trip.

Billy you are on a trip.

-Me? -Of course, you know every
day can be a new adventure,

someplace else to go,
somewhere new to see,

and even if you have to
stay here in one place,

and there are books
and pictures that can,

take you to the far corners of the earth,
and you know Billy,

it could be a wonderful adventure,

you must be careful not
to take a wrong turn or,

you'll end up in
a stagnant swamp,

and there's no way out,

you try not to do that.

I don't understand.

Well I guess I was
thinking out loud,

I have to go Billy, take care.

Goodbye mr Thompson,
have a nice trip.

Hey mr Thompson, if
you like to travel,

maybe you'd like to
come to see the movie.

-What movie is that?
-At our school, it's about India,

my teacher gave me
six tickets to sell,

they're only 50 cents each.

Is that all? well, I
think I can afford that,

-let's see now. -Thanks mr Thompson,
they're the first ones I’ve sold.

All right so long.

Hey mr Thompson,

you forgot your tickets.

Billy Howard
get off my lawn.

But I have some tickets for
you, it's a movie at our school.

I’m not interested now you know, you
children are forbidden to come on my lawn.

But mr Thompson already
paid for these tickets,

it's a movie about
India, tomorrow night.

I said I wasn't interested, mr
Thompson knows that I never go out.

I can't I’m not well enough
now go on use the walk.

If you're not well enough
how can you go on a trip?

What trip?

What are you talking about?

Mr Thompson told me he
was going on a trip.

He did, did he? And
where is this trip to?

He said just as far away from
here so he could get.

where's that?

It's no place at all,

he isn't going anywhere.

Thank you.

Excuse me,

do you have some red poison?

Yes sir,

now if you have rats this
will take care of them.

Is that painless?

I don't know I never took any.

Of course, I’m really looking for
something that's painless and quick.

It sounds like you're
planning a mercy killing.

Here's what
you want,

now this is the newest stuff,

and I’ll never know what hit,

all right before you
can buy that though,

you have to
sign a register.

What's the reason for that?

Oh it's it's nothing serious
just so we can keep track.

-Is that you? I want to talk to you.
-Yes I’ll be right in.

How did you get in? I didn't
hear the front door open.

I came in through the kitchen.

Snake didn't you mean,

well where
have you been?

I had to work late
at the office.

You never had to work late before,
your job is that important?

I have to make some
final arrangements.

For your wonderful trip?

-My trip?
-I heard all about it,

Billy Howard told me, now Leonard
you can forget all about that,

there's no money being spent
around here on any trip.


it's too late to change my plans,

I’ve quit my job,

You what?

That's right, it's something I
should have done a long time ago,

oh look at this,

here's the insurance policy,

five thousand dollars
I’ve cashed it in,

and I’ve already spent four thousand
seven hundred eighty dollars of it.

-You're lying?
-Oh no, I’m not,

job is gone, the insurance is gone,

there's 220 left of that money and
20 dollars in our savings account,

there would have been more of
course but you spent every cent,

I ever earned on
medicine and doctors for,

that illness you seem
to enjoy so much?

The things is you're
having a nervous break...

I am not having a
nervous breakdown!

at last I realize
what I have to do,

anything would be better than to spend another 30
years, of the kind of life I’ve been leading with you,

you've been out with that accident in Haiti
15 years ago, you're strong as a horse.

Stop that, you stop it and
you stop being idiotic,

you're not going any place
because I won't let you.

There's nothing you
can do about it,

I don't know where
I’m going exactly,

but any place would
be better than this.

You're out of your mind.

There's someone at the
door you better answer.

Me answered?

Did you hear what I
said? Answer that door!

All right Leonard.

-Hurry up!
-All right.

Good evening madam.

What is it?

We have come for the
body as instructed.

The body?

Yes madam.


I would like to make it clear that the
appearance of a suicide on our program,

in no way constitutes
an endorsement of this,

as a solution to
life's problems,

there are many better means to
get out of a difficult situation,

money for example,

and now I shall
return in a moment.

That is all for tonight,

I wonder if we could leave
out commercials now and then,

big brother never sleeps,

good night.