Alfred Hitchcock Presents (1955–1962): Season 6, Episode 34 - Servant Problem - full transcript

Good evening I?ve decided
to take up touch football,

I understand it's the thing to do,

the players are
perfect gentlemen,

that penalty was not for them,

it was a clipping
penalty and was called on,

an overzealous
popcorn salesman,

who might caught
shortchanging a customer,

he'll be penalized five cents,

however he's the
best man they have,

I?m sure he'll make it
up on the next play,

I see by the clock
that we have time for,



just one more play
before the halftime show,

which is entitled
"Servant Problem".

SERVANT PROBLEM

-Tina... -Hello mr Drake.
-What are you still doing here?

when I left you only had a
couple of more pages to type.

No, I finished
those hours ago,

I thought I?d fix some d'oeuvre
for your company tonight.

So you have?

good, very good, what
happened to mrs Hoffman?

Oh she came down with
a virus or something.

I didn't want you to get stranded
so I thought I?d fix the d'oeuvre.

You're an angel, no I take
that back, you're a genius. I?m sorry,

about mrs Hoffman?s virus but she
never made hors d'oeuvre like this.

Sure you can manage without her?
I could call an employment agency,



-and get somebody.
-No I really don't need,

anyone there's just a few people coming
mr Sanderson?s wife and the Coltons,

and they'll be here any minute.

Mmm, champagne.

Sort of a celebration,
Standish has just agreed to,

-publish my new book.
-That's wonderful,

-congratulations mr Drake.
-Ah, congratulations to you, delicious.

Now I better rush home and fix
dinner for time with the boys.

Secretary's work is never done.

Good night and have
a good time mr Drake.

Good night and thanks again.

Yes?

Moen?

What's that?

Moen Gold?

Moen, it's me Molly,

don't you even recognize me?

Oh Moen I?m so glad I found you,

oh I?m so happy I could bust,

let me look at you,

oh you look marvelous,
you're a living doll,

oh Moen when you're even better looking
than you used to be you know that?

Molly, Molly for heaven's
sake I thought...

That I was dead, huh?
I bet you did,

my gosh how long has
it been now, 22 years?

I didn't recognize you,
you, you've changed so much.

Oh listen don't I know
it, I got fat, huh?

well you know, I don't know
what happens to a girl,

remember how slim I used to
be when you first married me?

you used to call me a
little fawn, remember?

Molly, Molly you can't
you can't stay here.

Listen it took me long enough to find
you I?m not gonna let you get away now.

Oh Moen, what a place,

oh gee it's just beautiful,

oh boy am I gonna like it here.

Molly, I said you can't stay here.

Listen I?m still
your wife, remember?

Molly for the love of heaven,
it's been years, 22 years.

Yeah 22 years since
you walked out on me,

you know that wasn't very nice,

you could have knocked
me over with a feather,

when I seen your
picture in the paper,

in the society column,

with that girl,

that um, what's the name? That
Sylvia something or another.

-Sylvia Colton.
-Yeah I knew it,

I knew it was you the
minute I seen your picture,

even with that phony
name Kerwin Drake,

oh boy what a name you
picked out for yourself,

listen it's better
than Moen Gold,

I used to hate it when
they call me mrs Gold.

Molly there's something
you must realize,

everything about me has
changed since those days,

-not just my name everything.
-Yeah.

And you never
did understand.

Oh well listen Moen,

I was just a kid
what did I know?

I used to hate it when
you sat around that lousy,

old kitchen with that
broken Donald typewriter,

how did I know you were
going to amount to anything?

I mean you know be famous and rich.

-I?m not rich.
-Oh well it don't matter Moen,

nothing matters now,

I ain't even mad at you
that you walked out on me,

would you start all
over again, huh?

-Are you serious?
-Sure.

You think I left you
because of some whim?

I knew it wasn't
working out that we,

were too far apart
that's why I left,

and we're 22 years
further apart now.

-Oh well Moen...
-You think I haven't tried to find you?

I spent years looking for you.

Did you?

Only to make the
break final and legal,

only you never stayed in one place
long enough for me to reach you.

Well I was traveling
I like to travel.

As well we can't
talk anymore tonight,

I?ve got friends coming
important friends,

my publisher for one,

-they'll be here any minute.
-Is she coming too?

You mean Sylvia? As a
matter of fact she is.

Is you like her Moen?

I mean do you like her as
good as you used to like me?

-Oh fun.
-Oh well never mind it don't matter I was just asking,

wait, wait I?m gonna
show you something.

-What do you think you're doing?
-Wait a minute now.

I brought my best dress
with me see, look,

you won't be ashamed
of me at that party.

Didn't you hear what I said?

you can't stay here.

Well don't get excited I, I was
only going to stay one night.

I got me an apartment, on 48th
street just three blocks from here,

only they won't let me
move in till tomorrow.

I said you can't stay here tonight.

I got no place to go Moen.

Well you could go to a hotel.

Here here's some money.

I don't want your money,

and I ain't going
to no hotel neither,

I?m gonna stay right here
we get things settled.

-Oh Molly.
-I ain't leaving.

you can throw me out if you
wanna but I?ll come right back.

-Now look...
-Oh look yourself,

I?ll make trouble
for you Moen,

you see if I don't.

All right now listen
you can stay here,

tonight yeah but only
tonight, understand?

-in the morning we can talk things over.
-Oh Moen.

No, no, no, don't don't touch me,

-I want you to go upstairs right now.
-Yeah.

Take the first door to the
right it's the guest room,

only I don't want you leaving
it for a minute, you understand?

uh I?ve got important people
coming here tonight and,

I don't want you to breathe loud
enough for them to hear you.

Okay Moen, I?ll be
as quiet as a mouse.

-What, what up there?
-Yes.

-And remember what I said.
-Oh sure Moen, sure.

No, the publishing business isn't what
it used to be, Kerwin can tell you that.

Hard to sell a
book these day,

unless you can put a beautiful woman
with an axe murderer on the cover.

Oh please Harold you promised there
wouldn't be any business talk tonight.

Oh I find it very
interesting, don't you George?

Hmm, oh yes of course.

I?m afraid you won't get any
sympathy from my father mr Standish,

he rather likes those books with the
beautiful women and the murderers.

Well I don't get time
for much serious reading,

but I did enjoy
your last book Kerwin.

All right, thank you.
Sylvia...?

Oh I think I?ve had my
quarter for tonight,

but daddy's glass
looks a little empty.

Well thank you.

I don't know what's
the matter with me I,

completely forgot the d'oeuvres.

Oh thank you not
for me mr Drake.

Oh no you must try
these they're delicious,

-I?ll go and get them.
-But let me help you.

-Kerwin...
-Yes? -Is anything that matter?

Uh why? No no
why do you ask?

Well I think I know you.

Oh no it's nothing really I just
feel a little nervous tonight.

-Yeah sure, but it's just that?
-Of course.

We'd better get back.

You really have to try
these they're terrific.

Mrs Standish...

Well just one,

thank you.

Thank you.

Oh what's that, caviar?

love caviar.

These are good.

Never like these
itty-bitty things myself.

These are unusually
good Harold do try one.

Thank you, Kerwin.

Hmm not bad.

Well Kerwin I understand you're
already planning the next book.

Yes that's right as a matter
of fact I was thinking,

of the middle east as
the setting this time.

Does that mean you'll
be traveling again?

Oh I hope not.

Well you know how I feel
about backgrounds my novels,

uh I need to touch the smell of
the places I?m writing about.

Yes well that
certainly makes sense.

But you wouldn't be
going soon would you?

I mean right now with conditions
so unsettled over there.

That's not really what mother
means Kerwin, she means,

it wouldn't be a very good
place for a honeymoon.

Uh well I wasn't thinking
of it like that, I,

I thought I?d work
out the novel first,

and then later,

-perhaps...
-Well I um,

I think a toast is
an order, don't you?

To Kerwin's new book.

-That's a fine idea.
-I?ll propose it,

here's to the book, I
hope it makes money.

Oh really Harold.

To you Kerwin.

Hello everybody.

-Kerwin who is she?
-Who?

Oh it's my cook, it's
just Molly my cook. Molly.

Molly why didn't you
stay where I told you?

I told you time and time again to stay
in your room when I have my guests here.

I won't have you traipsing
around the house this way.

Nnever mind, the never
mind the excuses,

I know you're all dressed
up to go out tonight but,

you can go into the kitchen and
wait for your boyfriend there,

do you understand me?

Yeah, I understand.

And stay in there until I?m
ready to talk to, you hear me?

I?m sorry Moen I just got a little
awesome sitting up there by myself,

Go on.

I?m sorry about that but,

tomorrow's her day off and uh
well tonight she was going,

to live it up but I think
her boyfriend stood her up.

What an odd woman.

Well I?m I?m sure she's a very
good cook, if go and hired her.

She is if she made these
delicious hors d'oeuvres.

Oh why as a matter
of fact she did,

she's really superb.

You can get used to the way she
looks once you've tasted her food.

You didn't let me know you
were hiring a cook Kerwin.

Didn't I? What must
have slipped my mind,

yes I hired
her last week.

You're darn lucky to
have her, let me tell you.

My wife can no more find a good cook
than I can break 80 on the golf course.

It really is a dreadful
problem, you have no idea,

how difficult
servants are these days.

We've had seven cooks
in the last year,

and each worse than the other.

We had to set the table every night
with knives forks and stomach pumps.

Well I I guess I never
thought much about it,

I mean I don't eat at
home too often anyway.

What a waste.

Well of course I still don't
know whether to work out,

Molly I mean, she
might prove to be uh,

-a problem.
-Never mind how she looks,

just keep her chained
to the stove good,

cooks are scarce as
hens teeth these days.

I certainly
agree with that,

you hold on to her Kerwin.

Heavenly, you are a
lucky man mr Drake.

Yes, I guess I am.

I enjoyed the evening Kerwin we'll have
to do it at our place some night soon.

It was lovely Kerwin
thank you so much.

-Are you coming with us Sylvia or...?
-I think I?ll stay a while mother.

Now don't go running off to Pakistan
or someplace without telling me.

Where's that wife of mine come
on Lydia it's getting late.

Sorry, I just had to go in the kitchen
and compliment your cook, mr Drake.

You talked to her?

Yes, I had to tell her
how much I enjoyed her d'oeuvres.

Kerwin let's have lunch together
one day next week, okay?

-That'll be fine.
-I?ll call you.

Good night.

Thank you Kerwin.

See you later dear.

-Kerwin. -Yeah? -You serious
about that middle east trip?

Well yes I guess so,

I haven't any definite plans,

well it was no time
limit set, was there?

Is that how you feel about it?

Oh Sylvia, of heaven's sake let's
not make something out of nothing.

Aren't you afraid you'll
spoil your appetite?

Appetite?

Well, we haven't eaten yet, and I sort
of assume that you take me to dinner.

Oh, well the fact is I?d
plan to work tonight.

Oh writers have their
feeding time too don't,

they just like all
the other zoo animals.

I?m sorry Sylvia.

Well guess I?d better
leave you alone then.

Ah I?ll call you tomorrow,

-we'll have dinner.
-If you like.

Come out of there.

You've caused enough trouble tonight
go upstairs and pack your bag.

Well I?m sorry if I
spoiled your evening,

why don't you let me
cook dinner for you and,

miss snooty nose, I supposed
to be the cook right?

What did you want me to
say, that you're my wife?

Well it's true ain't? It when you had
to say I was nothing but a lousy cook.

If you were a cook I?m
sure you'd be a lousy one.

Oh yeah? Well I had a short order job
once in phoenix and I was pretty good too.

Only I ain't no servant I?m
married to you and I got my rights.

I told you to go upstairs pack
your bag and get out of here.

Okay for you Moen,

I?ll go to the hotel tonight only,
tomorrow I?m moving into that apartment,

and you better come over there
and talk things over with me.

You can do all your
talking to my lawyer.

41148 street apartment 3B,

-you better come about 12 o'clock.
-Oh no I won't.

You better be there Moen.

Just a minute.

-Oh it's you. -So you were
dying to get me over here here I am.

Oh yeah well okay Moen, come on in.

Well let's get this over fast I
know what you want from me and,

I?m prepared to pay you five thousand
dollars to stop bothering me.

Look uh maybe we ought to
talk this over later, huh?

I I mean maybe we could go have
dinner in a restaurant I mean.

With you? No thanks we'll do it
right now I want this thing settled.

I even brought my checkbook.

That's not
what I want.

Ten thousend is my last
offer and that on condition,

that you agree to acquire
divorce immediately.

I don't want your money,

and I ain't your servant no matter what
you tell your friends I?m your wife.

I won't pay you more than ten
thousand dollars and that's my final offer,

you don't want it all right
I?ll fight you I?ll get that divorce.

Oh yeah? well I won't
give you no divorce you,

ain't gonna walk out on me
twice you don't get rid,

of me that easy and I?m
tired of being pushed around ,

you understand I?m
your wife, I?m your wife.

Oh, shut up.

I'll never give you the divorce.

Mrs Standish.

I?m sorry, I?m uh I?m I?m so sorry.

I came to see if I
could hire your cook.

Last night when I went into the
kitchen I I asked her for her address.

Oh when I heard your voice
outside just now I, I hid myself,

please don't hurt me mr Drake.

I only wanted a cook.

A cook.

Before we continue our game I
must tidy up the story a bit,

Kerwin Drake was put
on trial for his crime,

and the judge threw
the book at him,

which was exactly what mr
Standish did to his wife,

but in that case it
was the cookbook,

please rejoin me after this
brief institutional announcement.

Good night until next week,
now I must,

get back to the
touch football game.