Alfred Hitchcock Presents (1955–1962): Season 5, Episode 35 - The Schartz-Metterklume Method - full transcript

Good evening, fellow students.

I'm glad to see everyone here.

Our dear professor is very
strict about attendance.

Anyone who is absent
must bring a note

signed by their
television repair man.

And anyone who is tardy

and misses the first
part of the program,

must stay after school and
watch the late, late show.

Perhaps you are wondering
why I have this apple.

It is for the teacher,
naturally.

And now we are about to take up
one of his favorite subjects.



Watch closely.

He may ask questions later.

Little Tipton!
Little Tipton, please!

Giddyup.

Giddyup.

Come on, Nobby. Giddyup.

Giddyup.

Hey, you there.

Giddyup, Giddyup, Nobby.
Giddyup.

My man, stop. Giddyup.

Giddyup, Nobby. Stop.

Giddyup! Did you hear
what I said, my man?

Giddyup! If you don't stop...

Stop! Stop! Giddyup!



Stop abusing that animal!

He cannot possibly pull
such a load up that hill.

He's goin' to, ma'am,
and he's got to.

Nonsense.

Here, gimme me whip.

Nonsense!

Leave half the load here by the side
of the road and come back for it.

Come on now, unload it at once.

This ain't your affair
and it ain't your horse.

Hmm. We'll see about that.

How much will you sell him for?

Him? Sell him?

Well, he's a valuable
horse, a good horse,

I don't know
as I could sell him.

How much?

Well, a horse like that, I couldn't
let go for less than, er...

£10, ma'am.

£10? Yes, ma'am.

£10 for an over-worked,
decrepit, beast like that?

Oh, very well.

What's your name?

Huggins, ma'am. Ben Huggins.

Here.

Here, now. You sign it.

You don't get your £10
unless you sign it.

Yes, but, uh...
What does it say?

It says you have sold me
your horse for £10.

And that you are to
keep him for me.

You mean, I get 10...
Got to keep him?

You are to keep him
and use him in your work.

He's to be well fed
and not overloaded.

I shall keep an eye on my
horse, and if he isn't fat,

if he isn't happy
the next time I see him,

I shall take back my £10.
Do you understand?

You mean, all I got
to do for me £10,

is be matey with me horse?

You've got to treat him like a brother.
Make him like you.

He probably loathes
you, you know.

Do he?

Oh, I hadn't thought of that.

Oh, come on, professor.

Come on, lad. Come on now.

You take a drink of water,

while I nip into the pub
to get a little, uh,

refreshment myself.

Dear me, that's the
first sign of impatience

that train has shown all day.

How do you do?

You must be our new
governess, Miss Hope.

I'm Mrs. Wellington.

Where's your luggage? Well I'm
afraid it didn't get off the train.

Oh, how provoking.

Really these railway
companies are so careless.

But never mind. My maid can lend
you some things for the night.

The children are so looking
forward to meeting you.

Our last governess was
not at all satisfactory.

Quite a strict disciplinarian.

We're looking for somebody
more up to date.

Come along, get in.

Home please, Simpson.

Now, I must tell you something
about the children.

Claude and Wilfred
are very delicate.

They must never be spoken
to in a harsh tone.

It wounds them deeply.

Then, Irene.

She has the artistic temperament
very highly developed.

You must allow for that if she
becomes a little over emotional.

I have the artistic
temperament myself.

I'm sure you can control
yours, Miss Hope.

And if Viola plays you a
joke once in a while,

you must take it in good part.

It's only youthful
high spirits.

I see.

And I want them not
only to be taught

but interested
in what they learn.

And French, of course.

I shall expect you to
speak it meal times,

several days during the week.

I shall speak French
for four days of the week,

and Russian
the remaining three.

Russian?

My dear Miss Hope,

nobody in the house understands
or speaks Russian.

That will not embarrass
me in the least.

I like the children to be out of
doors a good part of the day.

So healthy for them. Yes.

Yes, I should think they
would be glad to get out.

We're so proud of our house.

It was designed by Sir
Cecil Pack in 1783.

His mother must have been
frightened by a cathedral.

I beg your pardon? Oh,
pray don't apologize.

It's just that I never
cared much for neo-gothic.

No doubt you've been used
to rather cramped quarters.

But you'll get used to
spaciousness in time.

I'll try, Mrs. Wellington.

Here we are.

Perhaps you'd like to
see your room first.

Oh, thank you, Mrs. Wellington.

Ah, children.

This is your new
governess, Miss Hope.

Now, children you must
do all that you can

to make Miss Hope feel at home.

Wilfred? No, Claude.

Oh, Claude. Wilfred.

Irene, Viola.

Gertrude, Nellie, Robert,
go home at once.

I'm sure your mother's
looking for you.

The Simpson children,
the chauffer, you know.

Mrs. Simpson is our laundress

and she allows her
children to run wild.

I don't like those children
coming into the house.

Now where's Nannie? Nannie?

Oh, there you are.

Those Simpson children
were in again,

I do think you might manage

to keep them out of the house.

Miss Hope? This is Nannie.

Nannie this is Miss Hope,
our new governess. How do?

Now come along, Miss Hope,
I'll show you to your room.

No children, you stay
down there with Nannie.

You see what I mean about
Claude and Wilfred?

Such shy little boys.

Oh dear, it's getting very dark.

There's no gas in this hall.

There is, however,
a light in your room.

Ah yes, Rose has it
all ready for you.

I think you'll be
very comfortable here.

Not with those pictures.
I shouldn't sleep a wink.

They must be
taken down at once.

My dear Miss Hope.

Most governesses would be very
happy to have a room like this.

You are quite mistaken,
Mrs. Wellington.

After the governess' revolt...

The what?
The governess' revolt.

Which is due to take place
two weeks from tomorrow.

You will discover what a
volcano you've been sitting on

all these years.

Volcano? I shouldn't
have mentioned it.

Now, about these pictures.

We can discuss them
another time, Miss Hope.

I shall leave you now.

You may inspect the
school room, if you wish.

Mr. Wellington and I
are alone tonight

so perhaps you'd care
to dine with us.

We shall expect you in
the drawing room at 8:00.

Fill it up, please.

I want more than just a splash
at the bottom of the glass.

1901, not a very
good year for claret.

Are you an authority
on wines, Miss Hope?

Oh, I should scarcely care
to call myself an authority.

But when one doesn't know
anything about wine,

I do think it wiser to
consult someone who does.

I should recommend Shelton
Brothers in London.

Just put yourself
in their hands

and you cannot go far wrong.

I hardly think that buying
the wine for the household

comes in your province,
Miss Hope.

Uh, we have very
satisfactory references

about you, Miss Hope,
from Canon Teep.

A most estimable man.

Drinks like a fish
and beats his wife,

but otherwise quite
a loveable character.

My dear Miss Hope.

I trust you're exaggerating.

Oh, one must, in justice,

admit there is
some provocation.

Mrs. Teep is quite the most
irritating bridge player.

I wasn't surprised when
her leads and declarations

aroused a certain amount
of brutality in the Canon.

Miss Hope,
I hardly think that...

But sousing her with the entire
contents of the soda-water siphon,

that was going a little far.

You may think me
hasty in my judgments,

but it was practically on
account of the siphon incident

that I left.

I don't wish to hear any more.

I shall never
allude to it again.

Miss Hope, with what studies do you
intend to begin the children's education?

Biology.

Biology to begin
with and, uh...

Well, then possibly history.

Oh, history, yes,
by all means, yes, history.

Now, when you're
teaching them history,

you must take care that they have
interest in what they learn.

You must make them feel that
they are being introduced

to the lives of men and
women who really lived.

I've told her that.

I teach history on the
Schartz-Metterklume Method.

The er... Er...

Oh, I see.

Schartz-Metterklume.

German, I suppose.

Oh, Mr. Wellington. What a
sense of humor you have.

John, we'll leave
you to your port.

That is unless you require
more wine, Miss Hope?

Oh no. Oh no.

What I had was quite enough.

I shall go to my room now.

You might send me up a
bottle of brandy, please.

And a decent glass
to drink it from.

The only one I observed in
my room was a tooth mug.

Goodnight, Mr. Wellington.
Goodnight.

Will someone give me a light?

Or am I supposed to feel my
way up to this black hole?

I'm sorry, Miss. I didn't
expect you up so soon.

I was going to leave
a candle on the landing.

But Nannie said it might be dangerous
and the house might catch on fire.

That might be a good thing.

Here we are. I'll just
turn the gas on, shall I?

Thank you, Rose.

That's hardly an
improvement, is it?

I brought you some
night clothes, Miss.

Till your baggage arrives. I
do hope they fit all right.

Well, if they belong to Mrs. Wellington
that is scarcely likely.

However, it is
of no importance.

I always make
the best of things.

I'll just turn the
bed down, shall I?

Yes.

The bathroom's just
down the passage, Miss.

Thank you.

Will there be anything else?

No... Oh, yes.

You might find out what became
of the brandy I ordered.

Oh, well, never mind.
Goodnight, Rose.

Goodnight, Miss.

Miss Hope hasn't brought the
children back yet, ma'am.

And it's time they were washing
their hands before lunch.

Back? Well,
where have they gone?

They went off
right after breakfast.

Haven't been seen since.

They missed their
elevenses entirely.

Now they'll be late for
lunch, and the Vicar coming.

Really, this is
most irritating.

Mrs. Wellington,

are you sure that Miss
Hope is going to do?

Never mind that now, Nannie.

Let me know the moment
they come back.

I must finish this letter
before the Vicar arrives.

She told cook she wanted
chocolate pudding for breakfast.

So I thought it would be a good
idea if we could prevail upon.

Lady Cecily to allow us
to use her garden

for the bazaar
if the weather was fine.

Don't you think that's a
good idea, Mrs. Wellington?

What? Oh, yes.

I'm so sorry, Vicar, but I am a
bit worried about the children.

I'm sure nothing's happened
to them, Mrs. Wellington.

Unless of course they went
picking flowers in the field

with Hankins' bull.

Come along, children.

I see you didn't
delay lunch for me.

Quite right, of course.

Good afternoon, Vicar.

My shooting coat.

Mommy, I got 64 tadpoles.

We caught them ourselves, see?

See? He's the harmless
kind, isn't he sweet?

Look, Mommy, specimens.

Oh. Take them away.

Throw those dirty things away.

Oh, John, how can you sit there?

Go to Nannie instantly.

No, no, no, don't come near me.

Oh, Rose. Rose?
Call Nannie at once.

The fresh air makes one
feel quite hungry.

Doesn't it, Vicar?

Yes...

Do you find this system of
education quite satisfactory...

Oh, yes. Miss, uh...

Miss Hope. Quite satisfactory.

I believe Mrs. Wellington
forgot to introduce us.

Yes, the children
will learn all about

the reproductive system
of the frog

which will lead on,
quite naturally,

to the higher forms of life.

Don't you think
they're a little young?

Dear me, no. I shall
teach them everything.

Good afternoon, Vicar.

Go to the nursery
at once, children.

No, no. The back stairs.
Go up the back stairs.

Just send my lunch
on a tray to my room.

I shall take a nap,
till tea time.

I like biology. I'm going to
be a biologist when I grow up

and have tanks and
tanks of specimens.

Indeed you're not.

Probably all caught
your death of cold.

Ah, Miss Hope.

I trust you slept well?

Very well, thank you.

The fresh air always
makes me feel drowsy.

Do you always allow your
children to have tea with you?

I don't leave the care of the
children entirely to the servants.

They have tea with us
whenever we have no guests.

Very commendable.

However, I think it should
inhibit adult conversation.

A careless word, and one
finds oneself quoted

in the most embarrassing
circumstances.

We are not in custom to embarrassing
topics of conversation, Miss Hope.

Miss Hope...

If the mother frog just lays
her eggs and goes away,

how does she know
which are her babies?

Frogs are notoriously
indifferent to their offspring.

She doesn't care
which are her babies.

Doesn't the father frog care?

He's even more indifferent than
the mother... If possible.

Well why does she lay the eggs
if she isn't fond of children.

Well, it's a biological necessity,
what else would she do with them?

Err, perhaps we should
change the subject.

But cats like their kittens.

And dogs like their puppies.

And cows like their calves.

Do cats lay eggs?
Do dogs? Do cows?

Oh, Wilfred, you're so silly.

Did you ever see a cow egg?

Well you see, Wilfred,
the truth of the matter is...

Miss Hope. Very well.

You will confine your remarks
to frogs, please, children.

The Schartz-Metterklume Method
covers one thing at a time.

It will be some weeks
before we get to cows.

You are not going
to get to cows, Miss Hope.

Not for some time, at any rate.

Since we have biology
only on Thursdays.

What shall we study
tomorrow, Miss Hope?

Tomorrow...

Tomorrow I shall teach you...

History.

John, have you
spoken to Miss Hope?

Yes, er... That is, no...
I tried to, but...

But what? All you
have to tell her

is that we don't think she
is suitable for this post.

I did, but she
didn't seem to hear me.

She said that she had no
time for conversation,

they're having a history
lesson this morning

and she didn't want to be
distracted until after lunch.

Well, where are they now?

Oh, I don't know.

Rose, where are the children?

Well, I'm not sure, ma'am.

I think they're in the garden.

My stole. My best fur.

What are you doing, dragging
it about here in the dirt?

Go and put something
on, instantly.

Are you out of your mind, coming
out here with no clothes on?

Miss Hope says wolves don't wear
anything under their skins.

Miss Hope.

Well, what's the meaning of this?
Answer me.

Well, we're having
a history lesson.

Viola's supposed to be Rome
and I'm the she-wolf.

You know, the one that
adopted Romulus and Remus.

Claude and Wilfred have gone
to fetch the shabby women.

The shabby women? Yes.

They've got to carry them off.
They didn't want to.

But Miss Hope got one
of father's rackets

and said she would give them
a spanking if they didn't.

So they've gone to do it.

Wilfred, Claude, let those
children go at once.

What do you think you're doing?

What's happening?
What is going on?

That's what I
should like to know.

John, talk to Mrs. Simpson.

Raise her salary.

Explain to her.
But, what shall I...

Miss Hope. What is the
meaning of this disgraceful,

inexcusable...

Well, answer me, Miss Hope.

What were you doing
with my children?

Well, I was teaching them
early Roman history.

The Rape of the
Sabine Women, you know.

It's the Schartz-Metterklume
Method.

To make children understand
history by acting it themselves.

It fixes it in their memories.

Of course, if, thanks to your
interference, your boys go through life

thinking the Sabine Women
ultimately escaped,

I cannot be held responsible.

I consider the
Schartz-Metterklume Method

as irresponsible
as you, Miss Hope.

You'll kindly leave
here by the next train.

Your luggage will be sent
after you when it arrives.

As you will.

At least I shall have started the
children in the right direction.

You might keep my luggage
until I wire my address.

There are only
a couple of trunks,

some golf clubs
and a cheetah cub.

A cheetah cub?

Well he's rather
left off being a cub.

He's more than half-grown.

A fowl every day and a rabbit on
Sunday, is what he usually gets.

Raw beef makes him excitable.

Oh, please don't bother
to order the car for me.

I feel like a walk.

Oh, good day, ma'am.

Oh, good day, Huggins.

How's my horse?

Is he beginning to
like you any better?

Like me?

Why, he loves me, ma'am.

I'm delighted to hear it.

I treats him fair.

When I takes a drink,
he takes a drink.

Good.

Oh, there's my train. I mustn't
let it get away from me.

Goodbye, Huggins.
Goodbye, ma'am.

I shall expect Ferdinand to
have gained at least a stone

by the time I see him again.

Who?

Ferdinand. My horse.

Ferdinand?

Oh.

I don't know how
he'll take to that.

Ferdinand. You've always been
known as Nobby, haven't you?

I beg your pardon.
Are you Mrs. Wellington?

No. Decidedly not.

You must be Miss Hope.

I don't think she's expecting
you today, Miss Hope.

I should advise you to hire
a conveyance of some sort

and drive out to the house.

Goodbye.

Charlotte my dear,
we'd quite given you up.

You know, we went to the station
yesterday and the day before.

Well, where have you been,
Lady Charlotte?

We were beginning
to worry about you.

Your luggage is far more prompt
than you are, Charlotte.

The train went off without
me at Little Tipton.

So I had to stay with a
family of complete strangers.

It was a very
interesting experience.

Really?

Oh, I hope Rover
hasn't been a nuisance.

He's been living in the
stables with Perkins.

We've become
quite attached to him.

In that case, I shall make you

a present of him, Jenny, dear.

Oh.

Thank you, Charlotte. That's
very kind of you, dear.

But don't you think he'd
be far happier in the zoo,

with all the other
animals and things?

Perhaps.

Oh, now do sit down and
let me pour you some tea.

How very tiresome for you,
Charlotte dear, losing your train

and then having to stay
with those strange people.

Oh dear, no.
Not at all tiresome,

for me.

I thought that was
an excellent lesson

on how to put
idle time to good use.

And now I have a list
to write on the board.

The rest of you are to be
part of an experiment

in sleep teaching.

This is a theory, that if a message
is repeated during one's sleep,

it becomes a part
of one's subconscious.

This particular lesson, is unusually
well fitted for this experiment,

for it not only repeats
it's message, but,

if you aren't already asleep,
it takes care of that too.

Our beloved professor,
took umbrage at my remarks

concerning his
audio visual aids.

But I don't believe
I need to finish this.

You see, our professor
was teaching us

by the
Schartz-Metterklume Method.

He was playing the part
of Louis the 16th

on his way to the guillotine.

And he failed to realize
that the class was filled

with very dedicated
Schartz-Metterklume Method actors.

Our professor will
not be back next week.

But I shall.
Until then, goodnight.