Alfred Hitchcock Presents (1955–1962): Season 5, Episode 32 - One Grave Too Many - full transcript

Joe Helmer is having serious financial problems. He's been out of work for some time and his unemployment insurance has run out. Walking home after unsuccessfully trying to get a loan, he comes across a well-to-do gent, apparently dead on the sidewalk. Joe takes the man's wallet and flees. It's only when he gets home that he finds a revealing note in the man's wallet.

Good evening.

Did anyone see
a golf ball go by?

It couldn't have gone far.

I just gave it a toss.

I've been employing this means of
getting around the golf course

since the club voted
to ban all motorized carts.

It was a ban
I heartily endorsed.

By the way, since the carts were always
tipping over when they ran over laggards,

this slowed up
the game terribly.

This system of travel also helps
me comply with another rule,

which was made because of the
crowded condition of the course.

We are asked to play

in foursomes.

But I believe
you tuned in for a story.

I shall step aside

and allow you to play through.


Well, look who's here.
Sleeping Beauty himself.

Aw, cut it out, will you?

What's the matter, Joe? Did
the noon whistle wake you up?

That late already?

Boy, I must have
really been pooped.

What's for breakfast?

You mean lunch, don't you?

I've been up since 8:00
listening to you snore.

Things aren't bad enough,

you've got to watch television
till 2:00 in the morning.

It was a good movie.

Don't you see enough movies?

Now what does that crack mean?

Oh, you know what I mean.

Don't you think I know where
you spend your afternoons?

I've been looking
for work every day.

What as? An usher?

Put your toast in.

Look, Irene, I've been to half a
dozen employment agencies this week,

and I went on two interviews.

They just didn't
pan out, that's all.

How come they never
pan out with you, Joe?

How come everybody
else is working

and you can't even collect
unemployment insurance anymore?

You're gonna burn those eggs.

The papers are full of jobs.
I can read, you know.

Yeah, they're full of jobs,
but what kind of jobs, huh?

You just don't understand the
way it is with me, Irene.

You never did.

I'm not a laborer.

Then get a job in an office.

You mean a clerk's job?


That's not for me.

I gotta have something
with a future.

You should've taken that job
my brother offered.

And sell shoes?
I'd starve first.

We might just do that!

Do you know that Mr. Waters
won't give me any more credit?

Do you know that I haven't even got
a bottle of milk in this house?

Aw, what's the matter
with this toast?

This thing's broken, Irene.

(SIGHING) It was all right
this morning.

Oh, no!

It's the electricity.

Oh, how do you like that for nerve?
They cut us off.

Nerve! Nerve! We haven't
paid a bill in three months!


Aw, forget it, honey.

We'll get along for a while.

It'll be kind of romantic with
candles around this place.

(CRYING) Oh, Joe.

I'm so ashamed.

I'm so ashamed.

There's nothing
to be ashamed of.

We've got to get
some money, Joe.

We need money! Okay, okay.

I'll go out this afternoon and take
the first thing that comes along.

We need it now,
we need it right now!

We can't go on owing everybody.

Maybe if we asked Davey.
Oh, no, you don't!

I'm not asking your brother
for another dime.

Look, I'll tell you
what we'll do.

I'll go out and get ourselves
a loan to tide us over.

Just a small one.

And then I'll go back to
that employment agency

and I'll take
anything they offer.

I'll dig ditches,
Irene, anything.

There, does that
make you feel better?

Oh, Joe.

It's gonna be okay, honey.

Don't you worry about a thing.

It's gonna be all right.

I see by your
application, Mr. Helmer,

that your last employment
was in food merchandising.


Just what kind of
work was that?

I worked in a meat market.


I sold meat in a supermarket.

Oh, yeah.

That was way back in April,
according to this.

Have you been on the unemployment
insurance since then?

It stopped last month.

And you're married? Yes.

No children, I see.

You've had quite a number of jobs
in that time, haven't you?


Route salesman, waiter,
dry cleaner, printer...

Printer... Printers do pretty
well, don't they, Mr. Helmer?

Well, I, uh, wasn't
exactly a printer.

I was a night watchman
in a big printing plant.

I guess that's a mistake,
what I wrote there.

Oh, I see.

And the purpose of the loan?

Oh, it says home improvement.

Home improvement?

Yes, yes, that's right.

Do you have any collateral,
Mr. Helmer?

Any stocks or bonds,
jewelry, anything like that?


Do you own a car?


You're not making this
easy for me, Mr. Helmer.

Now, I told you that
the Friendship Corporation

doesn't like to turn anyone
away from its door,

but you present a rather...

What shall I say?

A bleak picture
of your finances.

Look, I only want to
borrow 100 bucks!

I'm not looking
for any million.

Well, the amount isn't the problem.
It's your credit.

You haven't worked
for three months.

You haven't any collateral.

Say, what about a co-signer?

Do you think
you could find one?

No, I don't think
I could do that.

Or some relative maybe?


I'm asking nothing of them.

I'm trying to help you,
Mr. Helmer,

but under
the circumstances, I...

You mean I don't get the money?

What can I do?
My hands are tied.

Okay, okay.

If that's the way you want it.

Thank you.

Hey, mister!

Mister, you all right?

He's dead.

Well, you certainly
took your time.

Those stairs are murder.

It's warm, you know.

The refrigerator isn't working.

I don't care.


What about it?
Did you get the loan?

No, I didn't get the loan.

Well, you know how they are.

You can't get any money unless
you can prove you don't need it.

I'm not surprised.

Well, we'll just have
to call Davey tomorrow.

I won't have to call Davey.

Then what are we going to do?

I don't mind candlelight suppers,
only there won't be any supper.

You know that, don't you?

I know.

Oh, stop it, Joe.
(LAUGHING) Come on!

I'm in no mood
for kidding around.

You know where I was
all afternoon?

How should I know?
In the movies, I suppose.

You're wrong.

I was with an old pal of
mine, a buddy from the Army.

I hope he bought the drinks.

He did better than that.

He remembered about some
dough he borrowed from me

when we were both
stationed at Fort Bragg.

I got him out of a real jam
once, and he remembered.

Shows there are still some
nice people in the world.

Are you serious?

Sure, I'm serious.

Want to see the money?

Sure, let's see it.

I'm not sure I'll recognize
the stuff, but let's try.

Oh, Joe.

How much is that?

275 bucks.


Almost $300.

(LAUGHING) It's exactly
what he owed me.

It's about time we got
a break, isn't it?

Oh, Joe, this is wonderful!

Now we can give $50
to Mr. Peterson!


And $100 to Mr. Waters, so we can
get back our charge account.

And we'll call the electric company...
Hey, take it easy, will you?

Leave out about 10 bucks for
a good steak dinner tonight.

We owe it to ourselves,
don't we?

Tonight? You really mean it?
Sure, I mean it.

I'll take you to that
steakhouse on 1st Avenue.

Oh, Joe!

Come on now.


I gotta shave,

and you put on your blue dress
and we'll get going, huh?

I'm starved. All right.


"Marvin Horne,"

"9 East 70th Street, New York."

Thank you, Marvin.


"I am not dead."

"I am subject to a form of cataleptic
illness, which may appear to cause death."

"If I am found, notify at once,."

"Dr. Nelson Kruger,
441 East 64th Street."

"Plaza 3..."

"I'm not dead."


I thought you were shaving.

I've got to go out, Irene.

Out? Out where?

Well, I can't explain now. It's something
I forgot, something important.

But what about our dinner?
You told me to get dressed.

I've got to go out!


Good evening, Officer.


Some excitement, huh?

That was an ambulance,
wasn't it?

Man dropped dead in the street.

You sure he was dead?

Oh, he was dead, all right.

Do you know anything
about it, mister?

Me? Yeah, you.

Not a thing.

Just passing by,
saw the ambulance.

I was just curious, that's all.

Dr. Kruger's office.

Hello, can I speak
to Dr. Kruger, please?

I'm sorry, Dr. Kruger's not available right now.
May I take a message?

Well, where is he?
I have to talk to him.

He's on vacation. If you'll
just give me your name.

Look, my name's not important!
Are you his nurse?

No, sir, this is
his answer service.


Operator? Get me the police.

21st Precinct, Sergeant Dugan.

Look, one of your ambulances
just picked up a man

at 17th Street and 2nd Avenue.

About an hour ago.

What was that name again?

I didn't give any name.

Look, I'm talking about the man
who fell dead in the street.

The one that they took away.

I wanted to tell you
that he isn't really dead.

Hey, what is this,
some kind of a joke?

Look, I'm serious.

The guy had a kind of an attack, that's
all, but you shouldn't bury him.

Whatever you do,
don't bury him!

Look, Mac,
I'll tell you what you do.

Come on over here and tell
us all about it, huh?

Come on over right now.

No, I...



Thanks for the steak dinner.

I'm sorry.

I opened a can
of pork and beans.

There's still some
left if you want any.

It's not exactly sirloin,
but it's filling.

I'm not hungry.

You going to tell me
where you went?

It was nothing important.

I just forgot something
at that bar,

the place where
I met my Army buddy.

Went back to see
if it was still there.

I guess it was.

I can smell it.

So I had a couple of beers.

We have beer at home.

For Pete's sake, do we have to
have a quiz program every night?

Oh, Joe.

Joe, what's happening to us?

This morning we were
picking at each other

because we didn't
have any money.

And tonight, I've got a jar
full of $20 bills, and...


It's not another girl, is it?

No, it's not another girl.

Now will you just please
leave me alone for a while?


I'll leave you alone.

No, ma'am, there's no law against
keeping a dog in the backyard.

Long as the animal
isn't giving any trouble,

there's nothing
we can do about it.

Yes, you let us know.

Thank you, ma'am.

Yes, sir,
what can I do for you?

My name's Helmer. I'm the
one who telephoned tonight.

Oh, we've had a lot of calls tonight.
What was yours about?

About the dead man
on 17th Street.

Oh, yes, I remember.

You're the man who said
he wasn't dead. Yeah.

Would you have a seat
right over there?

I spoke to Lieutenant Bates about this.
He'd like to speak to you.


Lieutenant Bates, please.

Say, Lieutenant, you remember
that DOA on 17th Street?

Well, that man just came in,
the one that called.


He'll be with you in a minute.

This is Mr. Helmer, Lieutenant.

Mr. Helmer,
I'm Lieutenant Bates.


Must admit, Mr. Helmer, that your
phone call kind of puzzled me.

You sure we're talking
about the same man?

Yeah, I'm sure. It was on
17th Street, about 9:00.

Small, well-dressed man,
gray hair, about 60?

Yes, that's him.

And you don't think he's dead?

I know he isn't dead!

He looked pretty dead
when they brought him in here.

There was no heartbeat,
no pulse, no nothing.

The doctor examined him,
said he was dead.

They wrote out
a death certificate.

The body's in the morgue
now awaiting burial.

So, you see, Mr. Helmer, there's
nothing to worry about.

He's really dead.
Now take my word for it.

You think I'm insane! You
think I'm some kind of nut!

I didn't say that, Mr. Helmer.

Yeah, but that's what
you're thinking, right?

Only you're wrong.

I saw the guy's wallet.

He had a card in it
that said he wasn't dead!

We didn't find any card.

Yeah, but it was there!
I saw it!

How did you see it, Mr. Helmer?

Well, I saw him
when he fell down

and I went looking
through his pockets

for identification, you know?

Go on.

So I saw this card! It
said he was a cataleptic.

It said he might look dead,
but he really wasn't.

Are you sure
that's how it happened?

All right.

So I took his wallet.

I thought he was dead. I thought he
wouldn't need the money anymore,

that's what I thought.

Only you've got to stop them, Lieutenant!
You can't let them bury him!

Max? Bates.

The stiff they
brought in tonight,

was it transferred
to the City Morgue?

Yeah. It's still
in the freezer, huh?

Well, showcase him,
we'll be right down.

Mr. Helmer.

Hope it's not too cold
for you, Mr. Helmer.

They keep it pretty
chilly down here.

I'm okay.

Can you identify
this man, Mr. Helmer?

Yeah, that's him.
That's Marvin Horne.

His name is not Horne. It's
Capper, Sonny Boy Capper.

We've known about him
for a long, long time.

It's our business to know
about men like Sonny Boy.

He was one of the slickest
pickpockets in the country.

Till his bum heart gave out.


Then this isn't Marvin Horne?

Let's go upstairs, Mr. Helmer.

We've got some talking to do.

I hear the shout of, "Fore."

Apparently someone is
counting my horses again.

I shall have to move on.

Suppose you join me
at the next tee.

I found this in the rough
we just passed through.

I wonder who it belongs to.

Until next week, good night.