Alan Davies: As Yet Untitled (2014–…): Season 4, Episode 9 - Do I Know Him? I Shagged Him! - full transcript
Quite a good chance of being run
over there,
but I'm so happy to be on the show
I wouldn't have even minded.
Can I have some privacy, please?
Ha ha! You just caught me in time.
I've just been to my granddad's
bar mitzvah.
We're sharing a dressing room?
SHE LAUGHS
Hello.
APPLAUSE
Hello. I'm Alan Davies.
Welcome to As Yet Untitled.
This is the show without any script,
or preparation or agenda
or topics or themes or meaning or
purpose.
And we gather together four
fascinating and talented people
and they have a conversation
and then we'll try and come up with
a title for the show.
So please will you welcome my
guests?
APPLAUSE
Here they are. Welcome. Welcome,
all.
Katy Wix is here.
Katy Wix had an interesting
education and has a confession to
make.
Katy Wix.
Mark Watson. Welcome to Mark.
Mark Watson is astraphobia and was
recruited by Al Gore.
Mark Watson, welcome.
Karen Taylor. Nice to see you,
Karen.
Karen Taylor has a potty mouth and
once found a surprise in her sink.
And welcome back to the show
Jim Moir.
Jim Moir knows how to blag a lift.
You don't know.
We'll all know after this,
presumably. We will, yes.
Yeah, can we?
High-fiving, that's an unusual...
Yeah, good start.
It's quite weird being applauded
just on the basis of one sentence.
Yeah. I liked it.
I loved it as well. Where do you go
on from high-five?
What's the next...? High-ten.
I thought it was a hug. The next
manoeuvre used to be hello,
how do you do?
And then it's that.
What is it? Is it that?
Not the face, Jim. Not the face.
It could be. Sex, is it?
No, the next greeting. The next hand
greeting.
Well, still!
There's variations, aren't there,
cos I've seen them do it.
They go past the five and then round
and get it behind on the other way
back.
Yeah. That's quite a fun one.
And people come in and they go like
that to you... Oh, yeah!
And they want to give a kind of...
What is that? We don't do that.
It's not in our culture. Not as bad
as this one, the back-handed...
What's that. I've had that before.
You think what's...?
A fellow came up to me in Maidstone
and we did that. Yeah.
And then he went...
And I'm... I'm very confused.
I don't know where to go now.
You have to work it out beforehand.
Meet up, figure out what you're
gonna do.
Give me the diagrams and I'll do it.
Yeah.
Have you ever done when someone's
going to fist-bump you
and you end up just covering.
Like you think it's "stone, paper,
scissors".
Yeah, like you're going to shake
hands,
and you have to style that out.
Shake hands with a stump.
I've done that before.
Really, meeting other people is
a nightmare.
Yeah, it's horrible, isn't it?
Shaking hands is to show you've not
got any weapons, from the old days.
Yes, because you have to put down
your spear... Yeah.
But these days hardly anyone's got
a spear.
It almost goes without saying.
If I've got a spear, I'm not putting
it down.
Anyway, this isn't QI. Move on.
Less money.
Making a note.
Sorry!
Nowadays I keep notes of potential
titles
and I think "Less Money" is quite
a good opener.
And we're off.
Good. I'm glad I've been of some
use.
You've got lipstick on your straw.
I have.
Can you please tell me about your...
Cos it's failed.
Before we started... It's cos I
wasn't doing it.
I think I felt self-conscious about
it.
It's a little tip I learned from...
Wasn't Bet Lynch nee Gilroy, or the
other way round?
Bet Lynch in the Street, yeah, Julie
Goodyear. In Coronation Street.
Julie Goodyear. I saw Harry Hill
once - sorry to interrupt -
I saw Harry on stage and he goes,
"Bet Lynch, Coronation Street,
"Julie, um... Julie, um...
"Julie, um..." And somebody goes,
"Goodyear."
And he goes, "Not bad, thanks.
Looking forward to Christmas."
Very good. Brilliant!
This isn't as funny as that.
Sorry, it's not fair to do Harry
Hill gags before you...
It's all right, he's very talented.
Finish it off anyway. You might as
well.
He's very good, isn't he?
We've just sat here... We'll google
some more of his jokes and just tell
that.
My sad old comments! Never mind.
He's very good.
Well, it's just that she...
If you've got lipstick on
and you don't want to get it on the
glass, you just...
do that before you drink,
or you drink simultaneously with
the tongue out like that.
There you go. Can we get that?
It works!
It's worked. Does look a bit odd.
It looks weird.
Yes, but you do it subtly. She used
to do it.
I like to think she used to do it
behind the Rovers.
If you're on a first date and you
go...
No!
Now, you and I both know that's not
what I did.
That is not what I did. You're
exaggerating for comic effect.
And I won't have it, cos that's not
what happened.
I don't know why that's made me
laugh so much.
The other thing, of course, is to
look in the knife to check your
teeth.
When you've eaten. Oh, that's a good
one.
Oh, that's very good. That's equally
as weird.
It's not that weird.
I would not be anywhere near
the woman who does that.
We've all done weirder things than
that.
Then get the knife out and...
Yes, you would.
Come on, you would.
She seems perfect. There's just a
couple of things.
That's where I'm going wrong.
I like it, but Karen, you've got a
big dollop of lipstick on top of
your straw.
Yeah! And leave it.
Well... Why not?
Exactly. You know it's yours.
I was once in a cafe with Phill
Jupitus.
You going to tell one of his jokes
now?
No, not doing anyone else's jokes.
It's not fair.
And he was wearing a white sort of
polo-neck.
And...he had a cappuccino
and he also had a pendant round his
neck,
and he leant forward and the pendant
swung forward,
took the chocolatey froth off
the top of this cappuccino
and swung back and just went splat
in the middle of his polo-neck.
It's incredible comic timing
and he just sat there going,
"Fucking hell!"
Fucking chances!
They always say never drink a
cappuccino and wear a pendant at the
same time, don't they?
That will teach him for dressing
like a beatnik, won't it?
Oh dear! So, now, Mark Watson,
welcome to the show.
Thanks. Are you sure it is a TV
show?
Not yet. We'll probably... We'll use
the Harry Hill gag.
Yeah.
Make sure you do.
What is astraphobic? Is that...?
A fear of lightning.
Is it? I'm terrified of it, yeah.
Well, thunder. Yeah, thunder and
lightning.
It's a proper...
Like a Yorkshire terrier? Do you go
under the sofa?
Well, the equivalent for a human is
I always have to go into a tube
station
or somewhere else where you can't
see out.
It's quite inconvenient.
Especially if you're not in London.
It's very difficult.
Or at least somewhere underground
like a bomb shelter
but again there's not as many of
those as there used to be. Like a
warren.
A warren, but if you're a
non-rabbit, it's difficult.
It's surprising how hard it is to
get into a windowless place in an
emergency.
This would be a lovely place to be
in a storm, for example.
Do you fear thunder, as well?
Do you find them very, very
frightening?
I...
Yeah.
If people were to sing Bohemian
Rhapsody every time it happened,
that would take some of the edge
off.
It is real? Do you really fear it?
Very much so, yeah.
Are you drawing attention to
yourself?
Once again!
Is it the fear of being hit by it?
Yeah, cos it kills you.
All right. Yeah.
But you may as well say, "I'm afraid
of 12-bore shotguns."
I am actually afraid of them as
well. Me too.
Do you know what... Have you
researched what the stats are?
How likely you are to be... Yeah,
five million people a year are
killed by it.
No! No!
Sorry - five people a year.
For a second you believed it,
though.
No! Not really.
It's a bigger killer than heart
disease.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
Again, I might have read it too
quickly but I think I've got that
right.
The stats of being hit is something
like one in...
No, in all fairness, it's quite
unlikely, yeah.
The trouble with it is
because it's unlikely it's going to
kill you people don't take it
seriously,
plus everyone apart from me seems to
quite enjoy storms
so you'll get people actively going,
"Let's go out, I love a good storm.
"Why don't you wave that golf club
in the air?"
It's quite a unifying thing, isn't
it?
People talk about it. Yeah, everyone
else seems to.
And it's, you know, when you know
someone's got a phobia
I knew someone that was scared of
dogs
and people think it's hilarious to
go, "woof, woof!" behind you like
that.
Do people come up to you and go...
WHOOSHING
People come up to me and inject
millions of volts of electricity
into me, yeah.
So you've never been struck by
lightning?
No, but it's a matter of time.
It's... The thing is because I'm
sort of irrationally convinced
that lightning's going to get me,
if it does happen one day...
I mean I don't want it to happen,
but it'll be a hell of a pay-off.
Like there will be a moment where I
think, "I bloody told you."
I've heard it's quite good luck to
be struck by lightning.
Really? Yeah.
People do sort of...
I think I'd probably rather have the
luck of not being struck by it.
Apparently it's good luck for
the rest of your life.
Is it? Yeah.
Is it, you know some people think
it's a bad omen the storm is coming.
Is it anything to do with that?
The subconscious thing.
Well, it's a bad omen in the sense
that you're about to die, yeah.
To be fair, if it strikes you it
doesn't always kill you, does it?
A lot of people do survive it,
as you say.
In fact, there's a bloke in the
Guinness Book Of Records
for surviving eight lightning
strikes
but in the end he shot himself.
Cos he was unlucky in love.
What an ungrateful fucker, really.
If you are in a storm you are
supposed to go into a ball and put
your bum in the air.
Are you really? Why?
It is true, I've done it.
The anus takes the electricity,
turns it into a ball
and fires it back out.
Yeah, it's true!
And it hits Zeus back in the eye.
Yeah. And he says, "Well, I'll never
do that again."
Oh, stinky lightning. The worst
sort.
I'm so glad Zeus has come up so
early.
I went on a course about it to try
and cure...
You get hypnotised and all this.
One of the things they said was in
the event of a storm, as you say,
get on your knees and stick your
arse in the air.
But it's surprising how badly that
goes down
in almost all situations.
Especially if the storm is...
So is that what you do?
In a thunderstorm you take your
trousers off and bend over?
Sorry, just to clarify, it was you
that introduced the idea
of taking the trousers off,
by the way.
This course that you went on.
Is the person specialising in
thunder and lightning fear?
Or will they deal with any phobia?
It was a museum and they had
an exhibition on lightning.
So they offered a course for people
that were, as part of it.
And they did stuff like create
lightning in a jar and all this
business
to make you realise that it was
a controllable phenomenon.
Of course I was there going, "Why
have you made fucking lightning?"
Were there lots of you there? You're
all gonna die!
There were about ten of us. The idea
was exposure to lightning...
Ten astraphobes? Ten astraphobes,
yeah.
Are you still in touch?
Yeah, we've got a support group,
yeah.
Whenever it rains they all ring up.
Yeah, you're right.
Do you want to come over and stick
your bum in the air?
Nice thing about it is... Yeah.
Yeah, we have some cracking parties.
You recognise each other by your
bums rather than your faces.
Oh, Gary!
I wouldn't know them if I saw them
to look in the eye.
Support group and suddenly there's
lightning
and they're all on the floor with
ten arses.
It is a great phobia to have if you
want to see people's bums, yeah.
We've got two members of a group
here.
I think you might know them.
Here we go. Red Red Wine.
They're over there right now.
So now, Katy Wix, tell me about your
interesting education.
Right, well, it's...
At least I've got one. It's good,
isn't it? It's a start.
I suppose, looking back, my primary
school was quite an eccentric place.
I grew up in a tiny village in
Wales.
It's a really small primary school
that I could see out of my bedroom
window.
In fact, it got burned down in the
end, down to the ground.
Lightning? It wasn't lightning. It
was some rough boys from the local
estate.
But it was quite an eccentric school
anyway, before the story even
begins.
How many kids in the school?
Probably less than 50.
OK. For example, 40.
An example of that. In case people
don't know what less than 50 means.
Exactly! So it was really tiny
and it was quite eccentric anyway.
We had...
A sea captain with a hook for a hand
used to come round to give us talks
and teach us semaphore and things
like that.
And we had this massive... Is this a
primary school?
Yeah. We had this huge black rabbit
that used to roam around between our
feet
and little things like that which I
thought...
Little things like that!
..retrospectively I'd imagined.
And I didn't trust my own opinions.
How did he do semaphore with his
hook?
Did he have flags with a hook? Yeah,
he had a special...
He was like a real life Captain
Hook.
Was this a dream or were you on
drugs?
No, cos I had to check with
the adults, and I'm correct.
It's unlucky to have a hook for
a hand and be also forced
to teach something which involves
waving two flags.
But there was one time a heart
charity, I think,
came round to the school
and they said,
"We are running a competition. You
have to find a heart-shaped pebble.
"And if you find a really accurate
heart-shaped pebble you'll win an
amazing prize."
So I took it really seriously
and I spent so many weekends
on Porthcawl Beach looking for
heart-shaped pebbles
and I found this perfect
heart-shaped pebble
and I won.
So I remember I was about ten
and I was told I was to get on
a minibus
and be driven into Cardiff.
That was the nearest town.
That was quite a big deal,
going into town.
And my older brother came with me
as sort of chaperone cos I was quite
young.
So I remember being driven to quite
a posh hotel.
This man said, "You're very lucky,
you've won. In that room is Dire
Straits."
And I didn't know... No-one expected
the story to go that way.
I was ten. I didn't know what Dire
Straits was. Didn't know what it
meant.
Didn't know... The group or the
situation?
The group. I'd never heard of them.
I was only ten. I thought it was
some sort of scary ride
so I burst into tears.
I'm only ten. I have to go into this
hotel room. There's Mark Knopfler -
is that his name?
He was standing there. He said
hello. No! Yes.
You're mental! No, honestly, this
happened.
And I was so scared. I didn't know
what Dire Straits was,
I had no idea, and he said, "Do you
want an autograph?" And I said no.
And then there was a buffet nearby
and my brother went, "I'll have
one,"
so my brother got a paper plate and
Mark Knopfler signed the plate,
he looked at my heart-shaped
pebble.
I was really confused, didn't know
who they were
and then he said to me,
"We don't get many young girls
listening to our music," or
something
and I don't know why, I said,
"Sexist pig!"
And then I went home.
And I was really confused as to what
Dire Straits was
and what had happened.
Mark Knopfler lived in the flat
above me in Deptford.
Do you know him to speak to?
What's going on?
Can you ask him if he remembers
being in a hotel room in Cardiff?
I doubt if he'll remember that.
I don't think he lives there now.
What? With a young girl?
I was ten.
How are we going to broach this?
Now, you probably don't remember me
and you didn't know me at the time,
but you lived in a flat above me,
but do you remember being in a hotel
room with a 12-year-old girl...?
With a pebble. In Cardiff,
who was holding your...
a pebble.
Perfect!
I checked it recently with my mum.
I said, "Did this happen?" She said,
"Yeah."
So you were forced to go and get an
autograph?
Yeah, it was going to be Kylie.
I still don't understand.
It was a heart charity. You'd won
a competition?
Yeah, it was so strange. That was
the prize.
They intended it to be Kylie?
The prize was to meet Kylie Minogue?
I think maybe Dire Straits were
playing in Cardiff anyway
and it was a heart... Heartbeat
Wales, it was called.
What would've been your greatest
prize, though?
What were you? 12? Ten.
A pony? In the hotel room.
I don't know. Some chocolate.
I did a sponsored walk when I was,
I think, 12
and the prize was the Darlington
goalkeeper's signature.
And they said, "You can have a
fantastic prize at the end of it."
And it was Darlo's goalkeeper's
signature, and I was,
Really? I've walked 12 miles for
this?
12 miles? It is very disappointing,
isn't it?
Yeah. Why didn't you blag a lift?
Ah! Are we moving on to this?
You're the lift-blagging king,
aren't you? Yes.
Right. That was bloody smooth, by
the way.
That was smooth, yes.
That deserves a high-five.
That was like on This Morning.
When I was in my early 20s,
there was a lot of hitchhiking went
on.
Me and my friend decided to go
camping
so we hitchhiked over to the Isle of
Wight.
When we got there,
we set up camp
and though we'll go to the local
disco
so there's a big... We were in our
early 20s.
I'm going to say this was about 1982
so we went to this disco
and we're there, having a good time,
we sat down, saw a couple of girls.
You had some muscle spasms?
There's some girls... Had a seizure.
Hello, how are you doing?
So we were talking to these girls.
And this bloke comes up
and he's what's called a smudge.
You know smudgers? They take
photographs of people for money.
Oh yeah.
AMERICAN ACCENT: I'll take your
photograph...
For... Not in America.
EAST END ACCENT: I'll take your
photograph and give us 50p
and I'll give you a nice picture of
you on holiday.
So we were talking to these two
girls,
and this bloke, this smudger,
starts taking pictures.
So they were saying, "Why is that
bloke taking pictures of you?"
And I said, "Well, we're in UB40.
"And we're on a big, major tour."
Of all the things to claim.
"We've just run off from the tour."
Run off!
"And everyone knows that we've run
off
"and this is a bloke from the press
and it's really embarrassing
"cos the story's out now."
Then these two girls we were
chatting up, their boyfriends turn
up
and they tell their boyfriends,
"These two blokes are from UB40
"and there's a bloke there taking
pictures of them
"and he's going to do the thing on
them."
UB40 were really big at this time.
No-one really knew what they looked
like
so these two blokes, their
boyfriends,
get hold of the bloke who's just
taking pictures of people,
saying, "holiday photograph, 50p."
They go over and say, "All right,
mate. Come on. Over here."
And they take him outside.
But in the meantime, word got around
that we were in UB40.
A slight, tiny lie turned into
a massive story.
Did you have to actually perform
a song?
Did you have to do Red Red Wine?
I'm getting there.
Word got out that we were in UB40,
someone told the DJ
who said, "I think we've got...
"I'm going to play this now."
Oh, no!
"For all the people on holiday
here,
"we've got two members of a group
here, I think you might know them.
"Here we go, Red Red Wine.
They're over there right now."
# Red, red wine...#
And we're sitting there, spotlight
goes on us
and we're going...
Then it got bigger and bigger
and it got to the stage where
the manager of the place said,
"Look, I'm going to get you a car to
take you out of here
"and take you back to your hotel.
Where's your hotel?"
And we said, "It's the big one."
And he went, "The so-and-so?
The Royal, or whatever?"
And we said, "Yes, that's the one."
So we got a car that took us out to
the hotel
where we got out and said, "Thank
you, everyone, thank you so much."
And then we had to walk back to our
campsite.
Was that miles away?
Following the fabulous lie,
a tiny lie that turned into
a massive story.
Do they say "twot"?
He was like, "It's twat, you twat!"
Twot! A twot sounds like a sweet
thing, doesn't it?
Karen Taylor, I haven't seen you for
ages. I know.
We played husband and wife in a
film.
You were my first on-screen
kiss.
Was it good? No, it was awf... No!
It was delightful!
We did a film called Angus, Thongs
And Perfect Snogging.
Ooh, someone's just groaned in the
background.
Did you groan?
Someone with a 15-year-old daughter.
I did start getting 12-year-old
girls in the street going...
HE GASPS
Screaming at me. Very excited about
it.
I was on the bus once and there was
some girls on the bus
all in their school uniforms
sort of whispering,
and I thought, "Uh-oh! I think they
might have recognised me."
And then they just started screaming
at me on the bus and shouting
and then they all got off the bus
and were banging on the window and
screaming and I just thought
people are looking at me like,
"What has she done?"
You know. I was just going, "Oh,
hello!"
I played the mum. Yeah.
Did you do a proper kiss?
We didn't do tongues, did we? No.
We didn't do tongues. I've never put
a tongue in, in a make-up kiss.
Never!
I was on a bus recently and a woman
said to me, "I love your show."
And it was very sweet, this sketch
show I did, and we were talking,
then I realised she'd said, "I love
your shawl."
And I thought she'd said, "I love
your show."
And it was a very awkward exchange,
me saying,
"Well, I'm going to make more, and
hopefully this that and the other."
And thank you. Did you make it
yourself?
She thought you were a shawl maker.
Yeah, I love your shawl.
And I heard "show".
Ah!
Now, Karen, your potty mouth.
Yes.
Yes?
You swear sometimes.
Is it that sort of a potty mouth?
Well, basically, I'd...
I have done swearing in my life.
Some words. Get out!
I know, I'm sorry.
But I was going down to meet the
in-laws at Easter time
and the chap who is now my husband,
we were six months into
a relationship,
I was going to meet the in-laws
and he said, you know, be on your
best behaviour. They're quite posh.
He was about 80, his dad,
so I thought OK, I've got to try and
be good,
not say anything out of turn,
just do what you're supposed to do.
So we went down and it was Easter
and we're all sat round the table
having a lovely dinner,
and Charles, who is the
father-in-law, had said to me,
"I've watched your show this week."
And it was the week where we were
talking about sex swings and anal
beads
and I thought not the best...
first impression.
Is this on your BBC3...? Yeah, so
that was just out at the time.
Which was called Touch Me I'm Karen
Taylor? Yeah, that's right.
Dirty...!
So I was thinking OK, he's seen
that.
That's not the best first impression
to give to my future father-in-law.
I must be on my best behaviour.
Anyway, we're sat there, next to
each other, and he said,
"Actually, it reminds me of a time
when I was in the Army..."
Yeah! Oh, God!
"And we'd gone to church, the whole
battalion had gone to church
"on Easter..."
And there we were, big family
dinner,
kids and everything at the table
and Charles said,
"We went to church and one of the
chaps forgot to take his hat off
"and the sergeant went to the front
of the church and said,
"'Take your f-ing hat off! You're in
f-ing church, you cunt!'"
And everyone round the table.
Children were screaming...
..people were choking on their
chicken.
It was a disaster.
And they blamed me!
He said that he said that story
because of me
and I literally was on my best
behaviour.
He should have taken some
responsibility.
Charles said that, or your husband?
Charles said it.
And he tried to blame you?
He blamed me for his behaviour.
Did they say f-ing or fucking?
He said, "F-ing cunt."
Yeah!
He saved it all for the C word.
He F-ed the F but he didn't C the C.
It seems inconsistent.
That's what was so brilliant about
it. I was like, "I like this guy!"
Do you know the Diana Dors story?
Go on. What?
Do you know it? I might know it if
you start. If you hum it...!
Do you know Diana Dors, her original
name, real name is Diana Fluck?
Oh, yes, I knew that.
She went back to her village where
she was born
and the mayor, or the vicar,
I think, was there,
and said, "We all know she's back in
the town.
"We all know her as Diana Dors
"but her original name, as we all
know her, is Diana Clunt."
ALL LAUGH
Does he tell lots of dirty stories
now, your father-in-law?
No, he never did, and that was the
one...
He'd told the story before but he'd
always done a polite version
and so he blamed...
Like you'd brought it out of him.
Was he trying to make you feel
better about...?
Was he trying to, you know...
Trying to put you at ease.
Maybe, I think because I was
Northern,
I think he just thought...
Just cos someone's Northern you
can't start saying "cunt" every time
they come round.
I think he thought he could!
I think he just got a bit
overexcited
and ever since then...
He's passed away now, but ever
since, whenever we went down there,
he told the story again, and he
did it again
and he said, "It was all her fault."
It's like I never did anything.
It's not a bad word. I love it!
It's a great word.
If you take it right down, it means
the same as Kent and quaint.
It's "quint", isn't it, in Chaucer?
It means "small and pretty".
Chaucer did some cracking puns about
it. Exactly!
Yes, and let's bring it back.
Absolute quint, sir!
I think it never sounds good in
American films when you hear it
used.
And they say "twot" in America
instead of "twat".
Have you noticed that? Terrible at
swearing.
Do they say "twot"? It's like it's
"twat", you twat!
Twot! "Twot" sounds like a sweet
thing. Awful, isn't it?
Katy Wix. Yes. Would you like to
make a confession?
Oh, right, yes.
This is a few years ago. I was quite
young, sort of in my mid 20s
and I think I'd just got a part in
a sitcom.
And it was like my first big break
so I was probably about 26 and
suddenly to have a bit of money...
Anyway, I'd just moved to London
and I decided that I'd have a few
sessions with a personal trainer.
Anyway, instantly regretted it, cos
I don't really like...movement.
And the only time... They're big on
that, aren't they?
Yes, that's like the main thing
and the only time she could meet was
really early in the morning
so movement that early in the
morning is horrendous.
So I found this woman and it was
miles from my house
and I had to go there so early in
the morning
and you could only book ten in
advance and it was a lot of money,
very expensive cos it wasn't just
exercise,
it was like a lifestyle overhaul.
You know, it was the whole thing.
Anyway, instantly knew it was a bad
decision.
So we met very early in the morning,
I was kind of sleepy
and she asked me what I did
and for some reason, I don't know,
emotional immaturity,
I didn't want to tell her what I
did,
like I didn't want the sort of
interaction, the questions.
I didn't want to say that I was...
I was an actress
and her say, "What have you been
in?"
I just wanted it to be this
non-human interaction.
I just thought I'd go there, do a
few sit-ups and go.
I didn't want to get into what I
did.
So just for ease, and cos it was so
early in the morning,
I just said I worked in an office
and left it at that.
Anyway, but then no,
cos then she sort of said that
my spine was a bit wonky
and she wanted to know about what
the office was like,
how my chair was set up to my desk,
how ergonomical it was.
Anyway, the life of the office got
bigger and bigger
so I had about three sessions
and cos I was about 26 I'd go out
and get quite drunk
and turn up for these sessions
always a bit late
and she'd sometimes say,
"You shouldn't really come to these
sessions having had a drink."
But I was young... That early in the
morning you're having a drink.
No, but I'd been out the night
before.
I was more interested in having
a life.
I wouldn't think I won't go out and
see my friends
cos I've got this horrible personal
training session at 7.00am.
Anyway, that was kind of...
And I would just sort of... We'd
have a bit of a joke about it.
Anyway, so the lie about the office
and where I worked was just getting
so out of hand,
and I was desperate to find a way to
get out of these sessions
and I couldn't afford it,
and I don't know why I did this,
but I ended up emailing her
and saying, rather than tackle it
head on,
I emailed her and said,
"Look, I think I have a serious
drinking problem.
"And can I have the money back?
"Because I feel like I should tackle
this problem I have with alcohol
"with these wounds, before we carry
on having our sessions."
I just thought maybe she'd feel
sorry for me and I could get the
money back.
I was too embarrassed...
Welcome to London.
Yeah, so she emailed back and I was
too embarrassed to read it.
I made my friend read the response.
She said it's fine. She says you
don't have to pay.
She's sort of very understanding
and it's very brave that you've said
that in the email.
Anyway, I thought I'd got away with
it.
Three months later I got an email
from her out of the blue
saying, "Hi, Katy, I've just seen
you in a sitcom on BBC One.
"I'm really confused.
You don't work in an office."
So she just found out it was all
a lie and it was so horrible
then she asked for the money back.
But the drinking could still have
been true.
You could still have been a massive
alcoholic.
That's why you told the lie about
the office.
She found it really odd. It was
obvious I'd lied about working in an
office
because she saw me on TV.
But you're an alcoholic, so of
course you're going to lie.
But... Yes!
I don't think she was questioning
the alcohol thing.
She's still out there and she still
thinks I'm an alcoholic.
And that I lie about working in an
office. But worse - you're in a
sitcom.
Now she's going to watch this, and
see you drinking.
I worked on a sitcom with you,
didn't I?
Yes, you did! It was a pilot, wasn't
it? It didn't go anywhere.
We weren't funny enough, were we?
I can guarantee to everyone that
Katy isn't an alcoholic.
Thank you for that.
That's why I've come here tonight.
I got very confused as to why there
were peas in there.
Do you not like peas then?
Not any more.
I had... There was a dalliance with
a chap.
OK!
A dalliance with a chap? A dalliance
with a chap!
I'm just trying to tart it up a bit.
It was... You know... I was...
You fucked someone? Yeah, I fucked
someone.
Oh, lord!
A few times, you know, every now and
then.
You've got no class.
May as well crack on.
Generally during the Edinburgh
Festival sort of situation.
You know? I hear you.
And then I bumped into him in London
one time
and we'd both had a few beverages.
And anyway, we ended up back at
mine,
spent the night together,
and in the morning we were like,
cool, let's go and have breakfast,
went and had breakfast, came back
and I thought...
You know, I thought he'd...trumped
and I thought. But he hadn't, had
he?
Well, yeah.
And I thought that's funny it's
lingering, that's a bad trump.
Anyway, I went into the kitchen and
the kitchen window was open
and I looked in the sink and went,
"There are peas in the sink.
Why are there peas in the sink?"
I don't really understand. It's not
particularly funny, this. It's
more...
Worrying. Horrifying.
And he'd done a poo in my kitchen
sink. No!
Did you not have a toilet at the
time?
Yeah, I did have a toilet. He should
have gone for that.
He shat in the sink instead.
And wiped his bum on the tea towel.
AUDIENCE: Ugh!
Do you know him? Do I know him?
I've shagged him!
Would you name him? No, no, I can't
name him.
It's Alan.
Simon Cowell? No! Simon Cowell!
Had he got up in the night and got
confused? He got up in a drunken
stupor.
Anyway, still, why would you do it
in the sink?
And then it got worse because...
It got worse than having poo in your
sink?
It got worse because a few days
later my flatmate phoned me up
and said, "Do you know anything
about this poo in my lunch box?"
Eh?
And I was like, "What?
"Poo in your lunch box? What are you
talking about? That's mental!
"Oh no!" Like, "Oh, my God!"
So he'd like, you know,
what he couldn't get down the sink
he put in a lunch box
and popped back so it's all...
And then I saw him in Edinburgh
months later
and I was like, "You know what you
did."
He went, "Yeah, go on. Go on, tell
everyone."
Thinking he'd just done a really
smelly trump.
And I said, "You shat in my kitchen
sink."
And he just went white as a sheet
and everyone was like, "What
the...?"
It was just...awful.
I think the lunch box is worse
in a way.
It really is the icing on the cake.
You have to be quite compos mentis
to do that, but he didn't remember
it?
He didn't remember it at all.
You'd have to leap up on to the
sink. That's quite difficult.
He's quite a tall man. He didn't
know about it?
No idea. He thought he'd done
something completely different.
What did he think he'd done? He
thought he'd, like, you know...
Been sick in your hair. Yeah,
something silly like that. Laid an
egg!
Sometimes you get your bum out cos
there's lightning or whatnot.
He had no idea that he'd shat in the
kitchen sink. No idea.
Did he run the tap to try and get
rid of it?
I just got very confused as to why
there were peas in there.
Do you not like peas then?
Not any more.
It's always peas and sweetcorn,
isn't it?
Exactly. Do you think the lunch box
was a separate poo?
I think he'd just tried to get it
down the sink
and gone, "That won't go down."
He couldn't find the loo, maybe.
The loo was in a very small...
You know some people do wees in
cupboards when they're really drunk.
I had a similar thing. A French
exchange trip this boy did a wee
in the cupboard in the middle of the
night.
A lot of people nodding in the
audience, by the way.
People do wees in cupboards lots.
That's not even bad. That's just
what you do. Yeah.
But, you know, I think maybe...
I don't know what he was thinking.
But the lunch box feels very
specific.
Yeah, it's quite odd, isn't it?
He thought he was making lunch.
Yeah, I'll put this somewhere.
Kitchen sink drama. Why would you
put it in some Tupperware?
That'll keep it fresh.
It'll keep for the next day.
I remember being at a house party
once and somebody pooed in the
garden
and nobody would admit who had done
it.
We think it was someone that
gatecrashed the party.
Maybe it was the same guy. Maybe
it's a serial offender.
It might have been. We'll talk about
it later.
We got this house in East London
and we got broken into three times
in a year and each time...
It's a thing, isn't it, sometimes
burglars poo
cos of the adrenaline and they left
a poo in the living room. Really?
They should really go before they
come out.
But they're not, are they?
By definition they're not nice
people.
I suppose not, no.
There was a poo in the living room
from when he'd taken our computers
and pooed.
I was at a party once and somebody
had really strong...
I had a few pints of bitter,
went to this house party,
someone gave me quite a strong
joint, had a bit of a puff on it,
felt a bit...funny. Whitey.
The downstairs loo was outside. You
had to go out the back door and
along
and there was an outside loo.
I went in there...
And then when I came back, everyone
was playing Monopoly
and people had hotels and someone
had gone bust.
So you were at least an hour.
And I was going, "When were you
playing Monopoly?
"I've only just gone to the loo."
They said, "Alan, you've been gone
for two hours."
Oh, my God!
Had a massive whitey and went to
sleep in the outside loo.
No-one comes to look for you in
those circumstances, do they?
If someone disappears on a night
out, they're fucked.
No-one ever looks for anyone.
Especially as you can't leave a game
of Monopoly
cos maybe someone gets the Electric
Company and you've got to keep an
eye on them.
So, now, Mark Watson.
Al Gore.
Yeah, he once...
Was he a presidential or
vice-presidential candidate person?
Well, he nearly won the election.
2000, I think it was.
The hanging chad year.
He sort of did win the election
against Bush
but there was that business with
Florida and he didn't quite...
Anyway, the story is he pooed in my
shower.
And...
If I'd known, I wouldn't have
clashed with...
That's who it was!
You were recruited by Al Gore.
You remember he did his Inconvenient
Truth film a few years ago? Yeah.
And after that he recruited people
to give versions of that lecture.
And I'd had no interest in it really
until then
but when I watched that film
I thought maybe I should get into
trying to be a better person,
so I applied and ended up getting on
this course, which was in Australia
so I had to fly to Australia to do
it
which is quite bad for the
environment
and it was all people from
sustainable farming or...
They were all basically
environmentalists apart from me.
So we did this week-long course with
Al Gore.
Very strange, looking back on it.
After that we had to all give
climate change lectures
so I did that for a bit. That was my
thing for a bit.
And I met Al Gore for about...
20 seconds, really.
It was before selfies so someone
had to take an actual photo
and someone...
He was a really nice guy but he was
obviously suspicious of comedians,
the way people always are.
So I said, "I'm a comedian," and his
face went a bit...
probably white in the same way that
that guy
when he found out he'd shat in your
sink. Yeah.
He said, "Comedian, eh?"
I said, "Yeah, but I'm not here to
take the piss,"
and after that it was awkward.
And we had a photo with my arm round
him
because we were standing very close
together,
but his shoulders were so broad I
couldn't get my arm all the way
round.
So in the photo my arm is sort of
hanging off him.
And also he didn't really want me to
touch him.
You know sometimes you have a photo
with someone
and one of you initiates a thing
like that
and you immediately realise they
didn't want you to touch them.
But it's too late, you have to style
it out. I never have that.
I suppose it depends how attractive
you are, really.
He definitely didn't want me to
touch him. There was definitely,
"I was nearly President of America
and now I'm being touched by you."
But it was too late, I couldn't do
anything about it.
I never know in photos whether
you're meant to...
Once you've put your arm round
someone you can't take it away
again.
You're forced to stay like that, but
it is awkward.
You can. You can just take it away.
Can you? Yeah.
Can you? If you realise that you've
basically got...
You can also do the fake kind of
one.
You're allowed to stop touching
someone? Yes.
I'm learning so much tonight.
It's up to you.
So where did you do the
environmental speeches?
Back in the UK? I did it first in
Australia
and then in London and a few places.
What was your speech about?
Like what particular...?
You know the speech, the PowerPoint
presentation he gives?
I basically did a comedy version of
that.
I wasn't allowed to change any of
the science but I was allowed to put
jokes in.
Did he watch it? No, thankfully he
didn't.
But his representatives came and
watched it.
Did they laugh? No, they just sat
really seriously watching.
I imagine they're fairly
humourless.
Yeah, it was quite nerve-racking.
I was the only comedian to do it.
Everyone else was like an
environmentalist.
It was a very serious thing, wasn't
it? Yeah, it was.
It sort of still is. It's just that
now we probably accept
the world is going to end anyway,
so...
At that time there was this idea
that we could do something about it.
We've got a while, haven't we? We've
got about 40 or 50 years, I think.
So we're fine. Our kids are fucked.
Yeah, even our kids might be all
right for a bit, but then their
kids...
But to be fair, my kid is... He's
pretty badly behaved.
I can only imagine what his kid will
be like.
I'm not saying he deserves rising
sea levels, but...
His kids don't deserve life.
That's what you're saying.
It is a bit of a harsh punishment
but he is a fucker with his Lego
sometimes.
He won't tidy it away.
Weren't we all? I was a fucker with
my Lego.
My last act, when I'm in my 80s
and the seas rise
to the level where the planet is
absolutely uninhabitable,
I'll just say, "I bloody told you to
behave."
And he'll think that I've brought
this cosmic revenge...
He'll be sailing away in a Lego ark.
What are you going to say then?
To be fair, if he builds a Lego ark,
I'll be impressed.
My son last week said, "I hope a car
hits you soon."
And... Wow!
A Lego car?
We were crossing a road and he was
furious
cos I made him hold my hand so he
didn't get run over and he said...
It was the "soon". He wasn't even
prepared to wait for it.
It was like not only do I want you,
my father, to be run over by a car,
but I'm looking for it to happen
really soon.
Does he not like your stand-up?
Yeah, he thinks I'm just one of a
number of observational comics
with nothing to choose between them.
Doesn't like your comedy. No, he
prefers Russell Howard.
Well, guests, thank you so much.
Oh, is that it?
We're going to have to think of
a title for the show?
"A Dalliance With A Chap" I quite
like.
I don't think I've ever said that
before.
Bum In The Air?
Yes. Bum In The Air.
"Do I Know Him? I Shagged Him" I've
written down here.
In That Room Is Dire Straits.
That'd be a great title for a show.
Anyway, please will you thank
all my guests.
Katy Wix, thank you very much.
Mark Watson,
Karen Taylor
and Jim Moir.
I'm Alan Davies
And you've been watching Do I Know
Him? I Shagged Him.
Subtitles by Ericsson
over there,
but I'm so happy to be on the show
I wouldn't have even minded.
Can I have some privacy, please?
Ha ha! You just caught me in time.
I've just been to my granddad's
bar mitzvah.
We're sharing a dressing room?
SHE LAUGHS
Hello.
APPLAUSE
Hello. I'm Alan Davies.
Welcome to As Yet Untitled.
This is the show without any script,
or preparation or agenda
or topics or themes or meaning or
purpose.
And we gather together four
fascinating and talented people
and they have a conversation
and then we'll try and come up with
a title for the show.
So please will you welcome my
guests?
APPLAUSE
Here they are. Welcome. Welcome,
all.
Katy Wix is here.
Katy Wix had an interesting
education and has a confession to
make.
Katy Wix.
Mark Watson. Welcome to Mark.
Mark Watson is astraphobia and was
recruited by Al Gore.
Mark Watson, welcome.
Karen Taylor. Nice to see you,
Karen.
Karen Taylor has a potty mouth and
once found a surprise in her sink.
And welcome back to the show
Jim Moir.
Jim Moir knows how to blag a lift.
You don't know.
We'll all know after this,
presumably. We will, yes.
Yeah, can we?
High-fiving, that's an unusual...
Yeah, good start.
It's quite weird being applauded
just on the basis of one sentence.
Yeah. I liked it.
I loved it as well. Where do you go
on from high-five?
What's the next...? High-ten.
I thought it was a hug. The next
manoeuvre used to be hello,
how do you do?
And then it's that.
What is it? Is it that?
Not the face, Jim. Not the face.
It could be. Sex, is it?
No, the next greeting. The next hand
greeting.
Well, still!
There's variations, aren't there,
cos I've seen them do it.
They go past the five and then round
and get it behind on the other way
back.
Yeah. That's quite a fun one.
And people come in and they go like
that to you... Oh, yeah!
And they want to give a kind of...
What is that? We don't do that.
It's not in our culture. Not as bad
as this one, the back-handed...
What's that. I've had that before.
You think what's...?
A fellow came up to me in Maidstone
and we did that. Yeah.
And then he went...
And I'm... I'm very confused.
I don't know where to go now.
You have to work it out beforehand.
Meet up, figure out what you're
gonna do.
Give me the diagrams and I'll do it.
Yeah.
Have you ever done when someone's
going to fist-bump you
and you end up just covering.
Like you think it's "stone, paper,
scissors".
Yeah, like you're going to shake
hands,
and you have to style that out.
Shake hands with a stump.
I've done that before.
Really, meeting other people is
a nightmare.
Yeah, it's horrible, isn't it?
Shaking hands is to show you've not
got any weapons, from the old days.
Yes, because you have to put down
your spear... Yeah.
But these days hardly anyone's got
a spear.
It almost goes without saying.
If I've got a spear, I'm not putting
it down.
Anyway, this isn't QI. Move on.
Less money.
Making a note.
Sorry!
Nowadays I keep notes of potential
titles
and I think "Less Money" is quite
a good opener.
And we're off.
Good. I'm glad I've been of some
use.
You've got lipstick on your straw.
I have.
Can you please tell me about your...
Cos it's failed.
Before we started... It's cos I
wasn't doing it.
I think I felt self-conscious about
it.
It's a little tip I learned from...
Wasn't Bet Lynch nee Gilroy, or the
other way round?
Bet Lynch in the Street, yeah, Julie
Goodyear. In Coronation Street.
Julie Goodyear. I saw Harry Hill
once - sorry to interrupt -
I saw Harry on stage and he goes,
"Bet Lynch, Coronation Street,
"Julie, um... Julie, um...
"Julie, um..." And somebody goes,
"Goodyear."
And he goes, "Not bad, thanks.
Looking forward to Christmas."
Very good. Brilliant!
This isn't as funny as that.
Sorry, it's not fair to do Harry
Hill gags before you...
It's all right, he's very talented.
Finish it off anyway. You might as
well.
He's very good, isn't he?
We've just sat here... We'll google
some more of his jokes and just tell
that.
My sad old comments! Never mind.
He's very good.
Well, it's just that she...
If you've got lipstick on
and you don't want to get it on the
glass, you just...
do that before you drink,
or you drink simultaneously with
the tongue out like that.
There you go. Can we get that?
It works!
It's worked. Does look a bit odd.
It looks weird.
Yes, but you do it subtly. She used
to do it.
I like to think she used to do it
behind the Rovers.
If you're on a first date and you
go...
No!
Now, you and I both know that's not
what I did.
That is not what I did. You're
exaggerating for comic effect.
And I won't have it, cos that's not
what happened.
I don't know why that's made me
laugh so much.
The other thing, of course, is to
look in the knife to check your
teeth.
When you've eaten. Oh, that's a good
one.
Oh, that's very good. That's equally
as weird.
It's not that weird.
I would not be anywhere near
the woman who does that.
We've all done weirder things than
that.
Then get the knife out and...
Yes, you would.
Come on, you would.
She seems perfect. There's just a
couple of things.
That's where I'm going wrong.
I like it, but Karen, you've got a
big dollop of lipstick on top of
your straw.
Yeah! And leave it.
Well... Why not?
Exactly. You know it's yours.
I was once in a cafe with Phill
Jupitus.
You going to tell one of his jokes
now?
No, not doing anyone else's jokes.
It's not fair.
And he was wearing a white sort of
polo-neck.
And...he had a cappuccino
and he also had a pendant round his
neck,
and he leant forward and the pendant
swung forward,
took the chocolatey froth off
the top of this cappuccino
and swung back and just went splat
in the middle of his polo-neck.
It's incredible comic timing
and he just sat there going,
"Fucking hell!"
Fucking chances!
They always say never drink a
cappuccino and wear a pendant at the
same time, don't they?
That will teach him for dressing
like a beatnik, won't it?
Oh dear! So, now, Mark Watson,
welcome to the show.
Thanks. Are you sure it is a TV
show?
Not yet. We'll probably... We'll use
the Harry Hill gag.
Yeah.
Make sure you do.
What is astraphobic? Is that...?
A fear of lightning.
Is it? I'm terrified of it, yeah.
Well, thunder. Yeah, thunder and
lightning.
It's a proper...
Like a Yorkshire terrier? Do you go
under the sofa?
Well, the equivalent for a human is
I always have to go into a tube
station
or somewhere else where you can't
see out.
It's quite inconvenient.
Especially if you're not in London.
It's very difficult.
Or at least somewhere underground
like a bomb shelter
but again there's not as many of
those as there used to be. Like a
warren.
A warren, but if you're a
non-rabbit, it's difficult.
It's surprising how hard it is to
get into a windowless place in an
emergency.
This would be a lovely place to be
in a storm, for example.
Do you fear thunder, as well?
Do you find them very, very
frightening?
I...
Yeah.
If people were to sing Bohemian
Rhapsody every time it happened,
that would take some of the edge
off.
It is real? Do you really fear it?
Very much so, yeah.
Are you drawing attention to
yourself?
Once again!
Is it the fear of being hit by it?
Yeah, cos it kills you.
All right. Yeah.
But you may as well say, "I'm afraid
of 12-bore shotguns."
I am actually afraid of them as
well. Me too.
Do you know what... Have you
researched what the stats are?
How likely you are to be... Yeah,
five million people a year are
killed by it.
No! No!
Sorry - five people a year.
For a second you believed it,
though.
No! Not really.
It's a bigger killer than heart
disease.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
Again, I might have read it too
quickly but I think I've got that
right.
The stats of being hit is something
like one in...
No, in all fairness, it's quite
unlikely, yeah.
The trouble with it is
because it's unlikely it's going to
kill you people don't take it
seriously,
plus everyone apart from me seems to
quite enjoy storms
so you'll get people actively going,
"Let's go out, I love a good storm.
"Why don't you wave that golf club
in the air?"
It's quite a unifying thing, isn't
it?
People talk about it. Yeah, everyone
else seems to.
And it's, you know, when you know
someone's got a phobia
I knew someone that was scared of
dogs
and people think it's hilarious to
go, "woof, woof!" behind you like
that.
Do people come up to you and go...
WHOOSHING
People come up to me and inject
millions of volts of electricity
into me, yeah.
So you've never been struck by
lightning?
No, but it's a matter of time.
It's... The thing is because I'm
sort of irrationally convinced
that lightning's going to get me,
if it does happen one day...
I mean I don't want it to happen,
but it'll be a hell of a pay-off.
Like there will be a moment where I
think, "I bloody told you."
I've heard it's quite good luck to
be struck by lightning.
Really? Yeah.
People do sort of...
I think I'd probably rather have the
luck of not being struck by it.
Apparently it's good luck for
the rest of your life.
Is it? Yeah.
Is it, you know some people think
it's a bad omen the storm is coming.
Is it anything to do with that?
The subconscious thing.
Well, it's a bad omen in the sense
that you're about to die, yeah.
To be fair, if it strikes you it
doesn't always kill you, does it?
A lot of people do survive it,
as you say.
In fact, there's a bloke in the
Guinness Book Of Records
for surviving eight lightning
strikes
but in the end he shot himself.
Cos he was unlucky in love.
What an ungrateful fucker, really.
If you are in a storm you are
supposed to go into a ball and put
your bum in the air.
Are you really? Why?
It is true, I've done it.
The anus takes the electricity,
turns it into a ball
and fires it back out.
Yeah, it's true!
And it hits Zeus back in the eye.
Yeah. And he says, "Well, I'll never
do that again."
Oh, stinky lightning. The worst
sort.
I'm so glad Zeus has come up so
early.
I went on a course about it to try
and cure...
You get hypnotised and all this.
One of the things they said was in
the event of a storm, as you say,
get on your knees and stick your
arse in the air.
But it's surprising how badly that
goes down
in almost all situations.
Especially if the storm is...
So is that what you do?
In a thunderstorm you take your
trousers off and bend over?
Sorry, just to clarify, it was you
that introduced the idea
of taking the trousers off,
by the way.
This course that you went on.
Is the person specialising in
thunder and lightning fear?
Or will they deal with any phobia?
It was a museum and they had
an exhibition on lightning.
So they offered a course for people
that were, as part of it.
And they did stuff like create
lightning in a jar and all this
business
to make you realise that it was
a controllable phenomenon.
Of course I was there going, "Why
have you made fucking lightning?"
Were there lots of you there? You're
all gonna die!
There were about ten of us. The idea
was exposure to lightning...
Ten astraphobes? Ten astraphobes,
yeah.
Are you still in touch?
Yeah, we've got a support group,
yeah.
Whenever it rains they all ring up.
Yeah, you're right.
Do you want to come over and stick
your bum in the air?
Nice thing about it is... Yeah.
Yeah, we have some cracking parties.
You recognise each other by your
bums rather than your faces.
Oh, Gary!
I wouldn't know them if I saw them
to look in the eye.
Support group and suddenly there's
lightning
and they're all on the floor with
ten arses.
It is a great phobia to have if you
want to see people's bums, yeah.
We've got two members of a group
here.
I think you might know them.
Here we go. Red Red Wine.
They're over there right now.
So now, Katy Wix, tell me about your
interesting education.
Right, well, it's...
At least I've got one. It's good,
isn't it? It's a start.
I suppose, looking back, my primary
school was quite an eccentric place.
I grew up in a tiny village in
Wales.
It's a really small primary school
that I could see out of my bedroom
window.
In fact, it got burned down in the
end, down to the ground.
Lightning? It wasn't lightning. It
was some rough boys from the local
estate.
But it was quite an eccentric school
anyway, before the story even
begins.
How many kids in the school?
Probably less than 50.
OK. For example, 40.
An example of that. In case people
don't know what less than 50 means.
Exactly! So it was really tiny
and it was quite eccentric anyway.
We had...
A sea captain with a hook for a hand
used to come round to give us talks
and teach us semaphore and things
like that.
And we had this massive... Is this a
primary school?
Yeah. We had this huge black rabbit
that used to roam around between our
feet
and little things like that which I
thought...
Little things like that!
..retrospectively I'd imagined.
And I didn't trust my own opinions.
How did he do semaphore with his
hook?
Did he have flags with a hook? Yeah,
he had a special...
He was like a real life Captain
Hook.
Was this a dream or were you on
drugs?
No, cos I had to check with
the adults, and I'm correct.
It's unlucky to have a hook for
a hand and be also forced
to teach something which involves
waving two flags.
But there was one time a heart
charity, I think,
came round to the school
and they said,
"We are running a competition. You
have to find a heart-shaped pebble.
"And if you find a really accurate
heart-shaped pebble you'll win an
amazing prize."
So I took it really seriously
and I spent so many weekends
on Porthcawl Beach looking for
heart-shaped pebbles
and I found this perfect
heart-shaped pebble
and I won.
So I remember I was about ten
and I was told I was to get on
a minibus
and be driven into Cardiff.
That was the nearest town.
That was quite a big deal,
going into town.
And my older brother came with me
as sort of chaperone cos I was quite
young.
So I remember being driven to quite
a posh hotel.
This man said, "You're very lucky,
you've won. In that room is Dire
Straits."
And I didn't know... No-one expected
the story to go that way.
I was ten. I didn't know what Dire
Straits was. Didn't know what it
meant.
Didn't know... The group or the
situation?
The group. I'd never heard of them.
I was only ten. I thought it was
some sort of scary ride
so I burst into tears.
I'm only ten. I have to go into this
hotel room. There's Mark Knopfler -
is that his name?
He was standing there. He said
hello. No! Yes.
You're mental! No, honestly, this
happened.
And I was so scared. I didn't know
what Dire Straits was,
I had no idea, and he said, "Do you
want an autograph?" And I said no.
And then there was a buffet nearby
and my brother went, "I'll have
one,"
so my brother got a paper plate and
Mark Knopfler signed the plate,
he looked at my heart-shaped
pebble.
I was really confused, didn't know
who they were
and then he said to me,
"We don't get many young girls
listening to our music," or
something
and I don't know why, I said,
"Sexist pig!"
And then I went home.
And I was really confused as to what
Dire Straits was
and what had happened.
Mark Knopfler lived in the flat
above me in Deptford.
Do you know him to speak to?
What's going on?
Can you ask him if he remembers
being in a hotel room in Cardiff?
I doubt if he'll remember that.
I don't think he lives there now.
What? With a young girl?
I was ten.
How are we going to broach this?
Now, you probably don't remember me
and you didn't know me at the time,
but you lived in a flat above me,
but do you remember being in a hotel
room with a 12-year-old girl...?
With a pebble. In Cardiff,
who was holding your...
a pebble.
Perfect!
I checked it recently with my mum.
I said, "Did this happen?" She said,
"Yeah."
So you were forced to go and get an
autograph?
Yeah, it was going to be Kylie.
I still don't understand.
It was a heart charity. You'd won
a competition?
Yeah, it was so strange. That was
the prize.
They intended it to be Kylie?
The prize was to meet Kylie Minogue?
I think maybe Dire Straits were
playing in Cardiff anyway
and it was a heart... Heartbeat
Wales, it was called.
What would've been your greatest
prize, though?
What were you? 12? Ten.
A pony? In the hotel room.
I don't know. Some chocolate.
I did a sponsored walk when I was,
I think, 12
and the prize was the Darlington
goalkeeper's signature.
And they said, "You can have a
fantastic prize at the end of it."
And it was Darlo's goalkeeper's
signature, and I was,
Really? I've walked 12 miles for
this?
12 miles? It is very disappointing,
isn't it?
Yeah. Why didn't you blag a lift?
Ah! Are we moving on to this?
You're the lift-blagging king,
aren't you? Yes.
Right. That was bloody smooth, by
the way.
That was smooth, yes.
That deserves a high-five.
That was like on This Morning.
When I was in my early 20s,
there was a lot of hitchhiking went
on.
Me and my friend decided to go
camping
so we hitchhiked over to the Isle of
Wight.
When we got there,
we set up camp
and though we'll go to the local
disco
so there's a big... We were in our
early 20s.
I'm going to say this was about 1982
so we went to this disco
and we're there, having a good time,
we sat down, saw a couple of girls.
You had some muscle spasms?
There's some girls... Had a seizure.
Hello, how are you doing?
So we were talking to these girls.
And this bloke comes up
and he's what's called a smudge.
You know smudgers? They take
photographs of people for money.
Oh yeah.
AMERICAN ACCENT: I'll take your
photograph...
For... Not in America.
EAST END ACCENT: I'll take your
photograph and give us 50p
and I'll give you a nice picture of
you on holiday.
So we were talking to these two
girls,
and this bloke, this smudger,
starts taking pictures.
So they were saying, "Why is that
bloke taking pictures of you?"
And I said, "Well, we're in UB40.
"And we're on a big, major tour."
Of all the things to claim.
"We've just run off from the tour."
Run off!
"And everyone knows that we've run
off
"and this is a bloke from the press
and it's really embarrassing
"cos the story's out now."
Then these two girls we were
chatting up, their boyfriends turn
up
and they tell their boyfriends,
"These two blokes are from UB40
"and there's a bloke there taking
pictures of them
"and he's going to do the thing on
them."
UB40 were really big at this time.
No-one really knew what they looked
like
so these two blokes, their
boyfriends,
get hold of the bloke who's just
taking pictures of people,
saying, "holiday photograph, 50p."
They go over and say, "All right,
mate. Come on. Over here."
And they take him outside.
But in the meantime, word got around
that we were in UB40.
A slight, tiny lie turned into
a massive story.
Did you have to actually perform
a song?
Did you have to do Red Red Wine?
I'm getting there.
Word got out that we were in UB40,
someone told the DJ
who said, "I think we've got...
"I'm going to play this now."
Oh, no!
"For all the people on holiday
here,
"we've got two members of a group
here, I think you might know them.
"Here we go, Red Red Wine.
They're over there right now."
# Red, red wine...#
And we're sitting there, spotlight
goes on us
and we're going...
Then it got bigger and bigger
and it got to the stage where
the manager of the place said,
"Look, I'm going to get you a car to
take you out of here
"and take you back to your hotel.
Where's your hotel?"
And we said, "It's the big one."
And he went, "The so-and-so?
The Royal, or whatever?"
And we said, "Yes, that's the one."
So we got a car that took us out to
the hotel
where we got out and said, "Thank
you, everyone, thank you so much."
And then we had to walk back to our
campsite.
Was that miles away?
Following the fabulous lie,
a tiny lie that turned into
a massive story.
Do they say "twot"?
He was like, "It's twat, you twat!"
Twot! A twot sounds like a sweet
thing, doesn't it?
Karen Taylor, I haven't seen you for
ages. I know.
We played husband and wife in a
film.
You were my first on-screen
kiss.
Was it good? No, it was awf... No!
It was delightful!
We did a film called Angus, Thongs
And Perfect Snogging.
Ooh, someone's just groaned in the
background.
Did you groan?
Someone with a 15-year-old daughter.
I did start getting 12-year-old
girls in the street going...
HE GASPS
Screaming at me. Very excited about
it.
I was on the bus once and there was
some girls on the bus
all in their school uniforms
sort of whispering,
and I thought, "Uh-oh! I think they
might have recognised me."
And then they just started screaming
at me on the bus and shouting
and then they all got off the bus
and were banging on the window and
screaming and I just thought
people are looking at me like,
"What has she done?"
You know. I was just going, "Oh,
hello!"
I played the mum. Yeah.
Did you do a proper kiss?
We didn't do tongues, did we? No.
We didn't do tongues. I've never put
a tongue in, in a make-up kiss.
Never!
I was on a bus recently and a woman
said to me, "I love your show."
And it was very sweet, this sketch
show I did, and we were talking,
then I realised she'd said, "I love
your shawl."
And I thought she'd said, "I love
your show."
And it was a very awkward exchange,
me saying,
"Well, I'm going to make more, and
hopefully this that and the other."
And thank you. Did you make it
yourself?
She thought you were a shawl maker.
Yeah, I love your shawl.
And I heard "show".
Ah!
Now, Karen, your potty mouth.
Yes.
Yes?
You swear sometimes.
Is it that sort of a potty mouth?
Well, basically, I'd...
I have done swearing in my life.
Some words. Get out!
I know, I'm sorry.
But I was going down to meet the
in-laws at Easter time
and the chap who is now my husband,
we were six months into
a relationship,
I was going to meet the in-laws
and he said, you know, be on your
best behaviour. They're quite posh.
He was about 80, his dad,
so I thought OK, I've got to try and
be good,
not say anything out of turn,
just do what you're supposed to do.
So we went down and it was Easter
and we're all sat round the table
having a lovely dinner,
and Charles, who is the
father-in-law, had said to me,
"I've watched your show this week."
And it was the week where we were
talking about sex swings and anal
beads
and I thought not the best...
first impression.
Is this on your BBC3...? Yeah, so
that was just out at the time.
Which was called Touch Me I'm Karen
Taylor? Yeah, that's right.
Dirty...!
So I was thinking OK, he's seen
that.
That's not the best first impression
to give to my future father-in-law.
I must be on my best behaviour.
Anyway, we're sat there, next to
each other, and he said,
"Actually, it reminds me of a time
when I was in the Army..."
Yeah! Oh, God!
"And we'd gone to church, the whole
battalion had gone to church
"on Easter..."
And there we were, big family
dinner,
kids and everything at the table
and Charles said,
"We went to church and one of the
chaps forgot to take his hat off
"and the sergeant went to the front
of the church and said,
"'Take your f-ing hat off! You're in
f-ing church, you cunt!'"
And everyone round the table.
Children were screaming...
..people were choking on their
chicken.
It was a disaster.
And they blamed me!
He said that he said that story
because of me
and I literally was on my best
behaviour.
He should have taken some
responsibility.
Charles said that, or your husband?
Charles said it.
And he tried to blame you?
He blamed me for his behaviour.
Did they say f-ing or fucking?
He said, "F-ing cunt."
Yeah!
He saved it all for the C word.
He F-ed the F but he didn't C the C.
It seems inconsistent.
That's what was so brilliant about
it. I was like, "I like this guy!"
Do you know the Diana Dors story?
Go on. What?
Do you know it? I might know it if
you start. If you hum it...!
Do you know Diana Dors, her original
name, real name is Diana Fluck?
Oh, yes, I knew that.
She went back to her village where
she was born
and the mayor, or the vicar,
I think, was there,
and said, "We all know she's back in
the town.
"We all know her as Diana Dors
"but her original name, as we all
know her, is Diana Clunt."
ALL LAUGH
Does he tell lots of dirty stories
now, your father-in-law?
No, he never did, and that was the
one...
He'd told the story before but he'd
always done a polite version
and so he blamed...
Like you'd brought it out of him.
Was he trying to make you feel
better about...?
Was he trying to, you know...
Trying to put you at ease.
Maybe, I think because I was
Northern,
I think he just thought...
Just cos someone's Northern you
can't start saying "cunt" every time
they come round.
I think he thought he could!
I think he just got a bit
overexcited
and ever since then...
He's passed away now, but ever
since, whenever we went down there,
he told the story again, and he
did it again
and he said, "It was all her fault."
It's like I never did anything.
It's not a bad word. I love it!
It's a great word.
If you take it right down, it means
the same as Kent and quaint.
It's "quint", isn't it, in Chaucer?
It means "small and pretty".
Chaucer did some cracking puns about
it. Exactly!
Yes, and let's bring it back.
Absolute quint, sir!
I think it never sounds good in
American films when you hear it
used.
And they say "twot" in America
instead of "twat".
Have you noticed that? Terrible at
swearing.
Do they say "twot"? It's like it's
"twat", you twat!
Twot! "Twot" sounds like a sweet
thing. Awful, isn't it?
Katy Wix. Yes. Would you like to
make a confession?
Oh, right, yes.
This is a few years ago. I was quite
young, sort of in my mid 20s
and I think I'd just got a part in
a sitcom.
And it was like my first big break
so I was probably about 26 and
suddenly to have a bit of money...
Anyway, I'd just moved to London
and I decided that I'd have a few
sessions with a personal trainer.
Anyway, instantly regretted it, cos
I don't really like...movement.
And the only time... They're big on
that, aren't they?
Yes, that's like the main thing
and the only time she could meet was
really early in the morning
so movement that early in the
morning is horrendous.
So I found this woman and it was
miles from my house
and I had to go there so early in
the morning
and you could only book ten in
advance and it was a lot of money,
very expensive cos it wasn't just
exercise,
it was like a lifestyle overhaul.
You know, it was the whole thing.
Anyway, instantly knew it was a bad
decision.
So we met very early in the morning,
I was kind of sleepy
and she asked me what I did
and for some reason, I don't know,
emotional immaturity,
I didn't want to tell her what I
did,
like I didn't want the sort of
interaction, the questions.
I didn't want to say that I was...
I was an actress
and her say, "What have you been
in?"
I just wanted it to be this
non-human interaction.
I just thought I'd go there, do a
few sit-ups and go.
I didn't want to get into what I
did.
So just for ease, and cos it was so
early in the morning,
I just said I worked in an office
and left it at that.
Anyway, but then no,
cos then she sort of said that
my spine was a bit wonky
and she wanted to know about what
the office was like,
how my chair was set up to my desk,
how ergonomical it was.
Anyway, the life of the office got
bigger and bigger
so I had about three sessions
and cos I was about 26 I'd go out
and get quite drunk
and turn up for these sessions
always a bit late
and she'd sometimes say,
"You shouldn't really come to these
sessions having had a drink."
But I was young... That early in the
morning you're having a drink.
No, but I'd been out the night
before.
I was more interested in having
a life.
I wouldn't think I won't go out and
see my friends
cos I've got this horrible personal
training session at 7.00am.
Anyway, that was kind of...
And I would just sort of... We'd
have a bit of a joke about it.
Anyway, so the lie about the office
and where I worked was just getting
so out of hand,
and I was desperate to find a way to
get out of these sessions
and I couldn't afford it,
and I don't know why I did this,
but I ended up emailing her
and saying, rather than tackle it
head on,
I emailed her and said,
"Look, I think I have a serious
drinking problem.
"And can I have the money back?
"Because I feel like I should tackle
this problem I have with alcohol
"with these wounds, before we carry
on having our sessions."
I just thought maybe she'd feel
sorry for me and I could get the
money back.
I was too embarrassed...
Welcome to London.
Yeah, so she emailed back and I was
too embarrassed to read it.
I made my friend read the response.
She said it's fine. She says you
don't have to pay.
She's sort of very understanding
and it's very brave that you've said
that in the email.
Anyway, I thought I'd got away with
it.
Three months later I got an email
from her out of the blue
saying, "Hi, Katy, I've just seen
you in a sitcom on BBC One.
"I'm really confused.
You don't work in an office."
So she just found out it was all
a lie and it was so horrible
then she asked for the money back.
But the drinking could still have
been true.
You could still have been a massive
alcoholic.
That's why you told the lie about
the office.
She found it really odd. It was
obvious I'd lied about working in an
office
because she saw me on TV.
But you're an alcoholic, so of
course you're going to lie.
But... Yes!
I don't think she was questioning
the alcohol thing.
She's still out there and she still
thinks I'm an alcoholic.
And that I lie about working in an
office. But worse - you're in a
sitcom.
Now she's going to watch this, and
see you drinking.
I worked on a sitcom with you,
didn't I?
Yes, you did! It was a pilot, wasn't
it? It didn't go anywhere.
We weren't funny enough, were we?
I can guarantee to everyone that
Katy isn't an alcoholic.
Thank you for that.
That's why I've come here tonight.
I got very confused as to why there
were peas in there.
Do you not like peas then?
Not any more.
I had... There was a dalliance with
a chap.
OK!
A dalliance with a chap? A dalliance
with a chap!
I'm just trying to tart it up a bit.
It was... You know... I was...
You fucked someone? Yeah, I fucked
someone.
Oh, lord!
A few times, you know, every now and
then.
You've got no class.
May as well crack on.
Generally during the Edinburgh
Festival sort of situation.
You know? I hear you.
And then I bumped into him in London
one time
and we'd both had a few beverages.
And anyway, we ended up back at
mine,
spent the night together,
and in the morning we were like,
cool, let's go and have breakfast,
went and had breakfast, came back
and I thought...
You know, I thought he'd...trumped
and I thought. But he hadn't, had
he?
Well, yeah.
And I thought that's funny it's
lingering, that's a bad trump.
Anyway, I went into the kitchen and
the kitchen window was open
and I looked in the sink and went,
"There are peas in the sink.
Why are there peas in the sink?"
I don't really understand. It's not
particularly funny, this. It's
more...
Worrying. Horrifying.
And he'd done a poo in my kitchen
sink. No!
Did you not have a toilet at the
time?
Yeah, I did have a toilet. He should
have gone for that.
He shat in the sink instead.
And wiped his bum on the tea towel.
AUDIENCE: Ugh!
Do you know him? Do I know him?
I've shagged him!
Would you name him? No, no, I can't
name him.
It's Alan.
Simon Cowell? No! Simon Cowell!
Had he got up in the night and got
confused? He got up in a drunken
stupor.
Anyway, still, why would you do it
in the sink?
And then it got worse because...
It got worse than having poo in your
sink?
It got worse because a few days
later my flatmate phoned me up
and said, "Do you know anything
about this poo in my lunch box?"
Eh?
And I was like, "What?
"Poo in your lunch box? What are you
talking about? That's mental!
"Oh no!" Like, "Oh, my God!"
So he'd like, you know,
what he couldn't get down the sink
he put in a lunch box
and popped back so it's all...
And then I saw him in Edinburgh
months later
and I was like, "You know what you
did."
He went, "Yeah, go on. Go on, tell
everyone."
Thinking he'd just done a really
smelly trump.
And I said, "You shat in my kitchen
sink."
And he just went white as a sheet
and everyone was like, "What
the...?"
It was just...awful.
I think the lunch box is worse
in a way.
It really is the icing on the cake.
You have to be quite compos mentis
to do that, but he didn't remember
it?
He didn't remember it at all.
You'd have to leap up on to the
sink. That's quite difficult.
He's quite a tall man. He didn't
know about it?
No idea. He thought he'd done
something completely different.
What did he think he'd done? He
thought he'd, like, you know...
Been sick in your hair. Yeah,
something silly like that. Laid an
egg!
Sometimes you get your bum out cos
there's lightning or whatnot.
He had no idea that he'd shat in the
kitchen sink. No idea.
Did he run the tap to try and get
rid of it?
I just got very confused as to why
there were peas in there.
Do you not like peas then?
Not any more.
It's always peas and sweetcorn,
isn't it?
Exactly. Do you think the lunch box
was a separate poo?
I think he'd just tried to get it
down the sink
and gone, "That won't go down."
He couldn't find the loo, maybe.
The loo was in a very small...
You know some people do wees in
cupboards when they're really drunk.
I had a similar thing. A French
exchange trip this boy did a wee
in the cupboard in the middle of the
night.
A lot of people nodding in the
audience, by the way.
People do wees in cupboards lots.
That's not even bad. That's just
what you do. Yeah.
But, you know, I think maybe...
I don't know what he was thinking.
But the lunch box feels very
specific.
Yeah, it's quite odd, isn't it?
He thought he was making lunch.
Yeah, I'll put this somewhere.
Kitchen sink drama. Why would you
put it in some Tupperware?
That'll keep it fresh.
It'll keep for the next day.
I remember being at a house party
once and somebody pooed in the
garden
and nobody would admit who had done
it.
We think it was someone that
gatecrashed the party.
Maybe it was the same guy. Maybe
it's a serial offender.
It might have been. We'll talk about
it later.
We got this house in East London
and we got broken into three times
in a year and each time...
It's a thing, isn't it, sometimes
burglars poo
cos of the adrenaline and they left
a poo in the living room. Really?
They should really go before they
come out.
But they're not, are they?
By definition they're not nice
people.
I suppose not, no.
There was a poo in the living room
from when he'd taken our computers
and pooed.
I was at a party once and somebody
had really strong...
I had a few pints of bitter,
went to this house party,
someone gave me quite a strong
joint, had a bit of a puff on it,
felt a bit...funny. Whitey.
The downstairs loo was outside. You
had to go out the back door and
along
and there was an outside loo.
I went in there...
And then when I came back, everyone
was playing Monopoly
and people had hotels and someone
had gone bust.
So you were at least an hour.
And I was going, "When were you
playing Monopoly?
"I've only just gone to the loo."
They said, "Alan, you've been gone
for two hours."
Oh, my God!
Had a massive whitey and went to
sleep in the outside loo.
No-one comes to look for you in
those circumstances, do they?
If someone disappears on a night
out, they're fucked.
No-one ever looks for anyone.
Especially as you can't leave a game
of Monopoly
cos maybe someone gets the Electric
Company and you've got to keep an
eye on them.
So, now, Mark Watson.
Al Gore.
Yeah, he once...
Was he a presidential or
vice-presidential candidate person?
Well, he nearly won the election.
2000, I think it was.
The hanging chad year.
He sort of did win the election
against Bush
but there was that business with
Florida and he didn't quite...
Anyway, the story is he pooed in my
shower.
And...
If I'd known, I wouldn't have
clashed with...
That's who it was!
You were recruited by Al Gore.
You remember he did his Inconvenient
Truth film a few years ago? Yeah.
And after that he recruited people
to give versions of that lecture.
And I'd had no interest in it really
until then
but when I watched that film
I thought maybe I should get into
trying to be a better person,
so I applied and ended up getting on
this course, which was in Australia
so I had to fly to Australia to do
it
which is quite bad for the
environment
and it was all people from
sustainable farming or...
They were all basically
environmentalists apart from me.
So we did this week-long course with
Al Gore.
Very strange, looking back on it.
After that we had to all give
climate change lectures
so I did that for a bit. That was my
thing for a bit.
And I met Al Gore for about...
20 seconds, really.
It was before selfies so someone
had to take an actual photo
and someone...
He was a really nice guy but he was
obviously suspicious of comedians,
the way people always are.
So I said, "I'm a comedian," and his
face went a bit...
probably white in the same way that
that guy
when he found out he'd shat in your
sink. Yeah.
He said, "Comedian, eh?"
I said, "Yeah, but I'm not here to
take the piss,"
and after that it was awkward.
And we had a photo with my arm round
him
because we were standing very close
together,
but his shoulders were so broad I
couldn't get my arm all the way
round.
So in the photo my arm is sort of
hanging off him.
And also he didn't really want me to
touch him.
You know sometimes you have a photo
with someone
and one of you initiates a thing
like that
and you immediately realise they
didn't want you to touch them.
But it's too late, you have to style
it out. I never have that.
I suppose it depends how attractive
you are, really.
He definitely didn't want me to
touch him. There was definitely,
"I was nearly President of America
and now I'm being touched by you."
But it was too late, I couldn't do
anything about it.
I never know in photos whether
you're meant to...
Once you've put your arm round
someone you can't take it away
again.
You're forced to stay like that, but
it is awkward.
You can. You can just take it away.
Can you? Yeah.
Can you? If you realise that you've
basically got...
You can also do the fake kind of
one.
You're allowed to stop touching
someone? Yes.
I'm learning so much tonight.
It's up to you.
So where did you do the
environmental speeches?
Back in the UK? I did it first in
Australia
and then in London and a few places.
What was your speech about?
Like what particular...?
You know the speech, the PowerPoint
presentation he gives?
I basically did a comedy version of
that.
I wasn't allowed to change any of
the science but I was allowed to put
jokes in.
Did he watch it? No, thankfully he
didn't.
But his representatives came and
watched it.
Did they laugh? No, they just sat
really seriously watching.
I imagine they're fairly
humourless.
Yeah, it was quite nerve-racking.
I was the only comedian to do it.
Everyone else was like an
environmentalist.
It was a very serious thing, wasn't
it? Yeah, it was.
It sort of still is. It's just that
now we probably accept
the world is going to end anyway,
so...
At that time there was this idea
that we could do something about it.
We've got a while, haven't we? We've
got about 40 or 50 years, I think.
So we're fine. Our kids are fucked.
Yeah, even our kids might be all
right for a bit, but then their
kids...
But to be fair, my kid is... He's
pretty badly behaved.
I can only imagine what his kid will
be like.
I'm not saying he deserves rising
sea levels, but...
His kids don't deserve life.
That's what you're saying.
It is a bit of a harsh punishment
but he is a fucker with his Lego
sometimes.
He won't tidy it away.
Weren't we all? I was a fucker with
my Lego.
My last act, when I'm in my 80s
and the seas rise
to the level where the planet is
absolutely uninhabitable,
I'll just say, "I bloody told you to
behave."
And he'll think that I've brought
this cosmic revenge...
He'll be sailing away in a Lego ark.
What are you going to say then?
To be fair, if he builds a Lego ark,
I'll be impressed.
My son last week said, "I hope a car
hits you soon."
And... Wow!
A Lego car?
We were crossing a road and he was
furious
cos I made him hold my hand so he
didn't get run over and he said...
It was the "soon". He wasn't even
prepared to wait for it.
It was like not only do I want you,
my father, to be run over by a car,
but I'm looking for it to happen
really soon.
Does he not like your stand-up?
Yeah, he thinks I'm just one of a
number of observational comics
with nothing to choose between them.
Doesn't like your comedy. No, he
prefers Russell Howard.
Well, guests, thank you so much.
Oh, is that it?
We're going to have to think of
a title for the show?
"A Dalliance With A Chap" I quite
like.
I don't think I've ever said that
before.
Bum In The Air?
Yes. Bum In The Air.
"Do I Know Him? I Shagged Him" I've
written down here.
In That Room Is Dire Straits.
That'd be a great title for a show.
Anyway, please will you thank
all my guests.
Katy Wix, thank you very much.
Mark Watson,
Karen Taylor
and Jim Moir.
I'm Alan Davies
And you've been watching Do I Know
Him? I Shagged Him.
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