Alan Davies: As Yet Untitled (2014–…): Season 4, Episode 6 - Jaffa Cake Nipples - full transcript
ALAN DAVIES AS YET UNTITLED 06
CTO N218J/82
BF000000
I bet you got Alan Davies a taxi,
didn't you?
Come on. You like the hat,
don't you? And the facial hair.
And the full head of hair.
I'm not bald.
I hope to God there's makeup.
What up, bitches? Oooh!
It's awkward, isn't it,
you following me?
Hello. Good evening.
I'm Alan Davies and this is
As Yet Untitled,
a show that's completely unrehearsed,
unscripted, undervalued in my view.
Hopefully, not unrepeatable
cos it's got to be broadcast on Dave.
That's...that's the scripted bit.
It's been prepared.
Now joining me tonight
we have four very funny guests.
They'll have some stories.
From those, we will find a title
for the show. It's a small ambition,
but it's often beyondus.
So please welcome my guests.
APPLAUSE
Welcome, welcome. Hello.
Here they all are.
We have Victoria Coren Mitchell here.
Lovely to see you, Victoria.
She went to Uri Geller's wedding
and was an archbishop's groupie.
Victoria Coren Mitchell's here.
Rob Beckett is here. Rob Beckett is
finger-lickin' bad and you wouldn't
like him when he's angry.Rob's here.
Al Murray. Welcome. Al Murray is now
a little more wary of hecklers.
Mm. This is true.
And Luisa Omielan is here.
Great to have you here.
Luisa was at Emma's round the block.
Welcome, all of you.
You've all got your beverages.
Yeah, I've got two, mate.
Water and a Coke. Lovely title
for a book. Could we get you a bigger
wine glass or is that acceptable?
You definitely could.
I'll start immediately.
What's in that pink thing?
I've got no idea, but it's so nice.
Normally, when you're gigging,
in the dressing room they have
either beer or wine. I'm like,
"Can I have a Cosmo?" "No."
No, you won't get one. Whereas here
they've given me a Cosmopolitan.
Is it just... It looks like Benylin.
Want to try some?
Wow ho ho!
What's in the Cosmopolitan?
You don't know?! No.
I believe it contains grapefruit
juice, to which I am violently
allergic. Are you really? Yes.
It would cause me
to have liver failure, so...
Oh. It's really weird, grapefruit.
It's an anomaly as a fruit.
It's like the okapi.
It's like a shit orange. Not right.
Doesn't it make you lose weight?
Well, if you keep being sick, yeah!
And you've got no liver.
Is it just grapefruit? Cos
I'm allergic to some fresh fruits.
My mouth goes all swollen up.
It's called oral allergy syndrome.
Like in Friends when Ross had a kiwi
and got a big, swollen mouth.
I had a bag of cherries
and my head nearly fell off.
I went into anaphylactic shock.
My mum thought I was trying to get
out of school. "My head'sall big!"
She's like, "What's the news there?"
Exactly! She was watching EastEnders
so I rung my dad who was at work.
And then... He went, "Go downstairs
and pass the phone to Mum."
So I went down there.
She put the phone down and took me
to hospital. I'd a big
Miss Piggy head, all swollen up.
Were you struggling to breathe?
Yes. I had a swollen tongue
and I blacked out in the car.
I work up in a hospital bed.
So enjoy that drink(!)
I think it's cranberry and orange
and Cointreau, so you'd be
all right. Really?
You could risk it.
I'll take your word for it.
Before we came in the studio...
..we were talking about Kanye...
I can't get... Kanye West!
I can't get it out of my head,
so can we talk about it now?
Basically, Kanye West had a Twitter
row with a rapper he doesn't get on
with, who goes out with his ex.
He started having a go at her,
being quite derogatory.
And then Amber Rose replied,
"Oh, look at Kanye kicking off.
Is he annoyed cos he's not having
a finger up his arse any more?"
Is that right?
Words to that effect.
"Are you upset because you miss
having your bum played with?"
My favourite bit was Kanye's
response. He responded like,
"Guys, just so you know,
I don't like a finger up my arse."
Which I think is brilliant!
He tweeted that, or his PA?
He tweeted it. His people?
How many people are in there?!
In where? In his arse.
David Cameron said nothing
when the pig thing came out.
Kanye's like, "Guys...!"
Cameron had the tweet ready to go.
"Don't send it, Dave!"
If you've broken up in public, it
isn't the first thing you bring up.
"Do you miss having your bum played
with?" She took it there because
he started insulting her kids.
"You've got kids now with
a stripper. Good luck being stuck
with a stripper for 18 years."
So she just went, "Do you know what?
Here's the bum thing."
Like that.
And then threw her phone in a bin.
"Done. My work here is done."
But now...
Since then, Kim Kardashian, who is
married to Kanye, has done a selfie
with her and Amber Rose
in the selfie. "We're cool."
I thought you were going to say
a selfie with Kanye's bum!
Like this.
"Who's a happy boy now?"
THAT would break the internet.
"Someone's cheered up."
When we were little, there were
these friends we used to go to.
The mum made a terrible Spaghetti
Bolognese, but we knew to say,
"Thank you. That was delicious."
So she made it every time we went,
every single time.
Maybe he feels he has to say that
or every time he goes home
with somebody, he'll be servedup
the same...dish, as it were.
So just say something right now.
Yeah.
I like the logic to that.
It was the denial.
You're Kanye West. You don't need
to say that. You're Kanye West.
This is what annoys me about him.
They've got a daughter called North,
but the second one isn't a pun.
That bothers me like towels not
being hung neatly. The girl is North
so the son needs to be called...
Wild. But he's like Philip.
Saint. Oh, Saint. You can't be
called North West and Saint West.
You'd be going, "What is it...?"
Like there's a cereal
called Oat So Simple. Yes.
I try to work out what that pun is.
Oh, it's so simple?
Oh, so simple? It's definitely
a pun. I did a crisp promotion
for Comic Relief four years ago
with some other comics. We all had
flavours named after ourselves.
That was the gimmick.
The person who sold the most crisps
would win. Stephen Fry won,
so that was all academic.
LAUGHTER
And his... Stephen Fry Up
was the name of his crisps.
That works. Jimmy Con Carr-ne.
Absolutely. That works.
Steak and Al Pie was me. And then...
Wait for it.
Frank Roast Dinner. What? Is that
Frank Skinner? Frank Skinner.
That does not work. No, it does not
work! Not with Stephen Fry Up,
Jimmy Con Carr-ne, Steak and Al Pie,
which works perfectly well.
Frank Roast Dinner.
It's shit. I can say that now.
We raised the money.
Who came second? Do we know?
We were all told we'd come second.
I'm racking my brains for a food
for Skinner. Or Frank. Or just get
a different coming, one that works.
I mean, that's easier, innit?
I remember screaming at her. "No!
I did tell you where I was! It's not
my fault you're fucking Polish!"
Would we really not like you
if you were angry? Well...
I can't imagine it. That's the thing.
I'm very happy and cheery, but I get
the hump over silly little things.
I had two major incidences
where I lost my mind.
One was my awful attempt at making
a toasted cheese sandwich. Then I
lost £13 betting on sumowrestling.
And...I punched a wall.
I was betting my brother
at sumo wrestling.
We was doing one quid a go.
I lost 13 in a row.
The best one must stand on the left.
He always picked the left one.
Were you watching a repeat?
LAUGHTER
Em...I mean...
I... Your brother
was just pressing Play.
Now it's all falling into place.
That might have been it.
I just thought the one on the left
must be the best and he knows.
The higher seeded one.
He done me 13 times in a row.
I got up, went upstairs, punched
a hole in the wall, got told off.
But the cheese sandwich one,
I've never been so angry in my life.
Trying to make a toasted cheese
sandwich in a machine
and all the cheese came out.
Putting too much cheese in, Rob.
No, I did less.
This was my fifth attempt.
The cheese is belting out of it
and all I had was like toast
with a little sad, saggy middle.
Halfway through the sixth one,
I just went aaargh and squashed it
and burnt all my hands.
LAUGHTER
I was furious.
But like, you know... The day was
going fine until then? Yeah!
You don't think it's misdirected.
I hadn't been on the sumo
for a few weeks. What age wereyou
when you were betting on sumo? It
might have been teenage frustration.
Or it was before I was doing comedy.
I had to scream into a pillow.
Do you ever get too excited,
have too much energy you don't know
what to do? No. No.
LAUGHTER
Just like so you have to scream?
No. No. Like, "Aaargh!"
Well, I have to. And doing loads of
gigs gets it out of my system.
If not, I have to scream with
excitement. Have you ever killed
anyone? Not that I'm aware of, no.
OK. I've never killed anyone.
Have you thought about it? Yeah!
Who hasn't? The inventor
of that fucking sandwich maker!
I think that's nice you get
so excited you have to scream.
I don't get angry about big things.
I was trying to get this flat
a few weeks ago and it fell through.
"Oh, I'll get another one."
But sandwiches do my head in.
Were your brothers tormenting you?
Yeah. And I had four brothers
and we were awful to each other.
Horrible nicknames.
Awful stuff. What nicknames did you
have? In puberty, I had quite large
nipples. So Jaffa Cake Tits.
LAUGHTER
I mean...
That is a thing that happens
to boys. Boys get those fat nipples
at one point. Fat nipples.
Have you grown into them now?
Sort of. In an ideal world
they'd be slightly smaller,
but I won't get bogged down by that.
Is that why you wear a jacket?
Don't try and break me down
like in a psychologist's chair!
I wondered if you were trying to
hide 'em. No... You've just gone
like this with a cheese sandwich.
Aaaargh! Screaming into a pillow.
You don't need a psychologist's
chair. You're obviously a lunatic.
But they used to wind me up.
They'd come in with two Jaffa Cakes.
Old Jaff nips. Jaff nips?
Jaff nips, yeah.
It even got abbreviated.
Sounds like a Star Wars character!
Jaffa the Nips.
Is it a biscuit or is it cake?
No, it's Rob's nipples.
Then my brother had a spotty back
so we called him Dartboard Back.
It's what happened.
And then we got through it.
So, Luisa, who's Emma? Ah, so...
When I was younger... My mum's
Polish. Polish was my first language
even though I was born here.
When I went to school, I didn't like
being the only Polish kid
or like not knowing English,
so I started speaking English at
home, to annoy my mum. Defiantly.
Yeah. But she'd always get
her English wrong, cos she's
a foreigner. So she's...
Do you think of her as a foreigner?
Yeah! Get out!
"Get out of your house!"
Get out! It's my country. Get out!
Can you remember any Polish?
SPEAKS POLISH
That's, "Hello. How are you? Where's
the toilet?" It's all I need
in any conversation.
Any circumstance. Any circumstance.
"Where's the toilet? How are you?"
So she's making doughnuts,
classic Polish dish. Wait a second!
Polish doughnuts are amazing.
But doughnuts aren't Polish. Yes,
they are. They're from America!
No, they're not. The Polish
made them first. Anyway...
She's making Polish doughnuts.
Polish doughnuts. Oh, Polish.
That's different(!)
Yes, they're Polish.
So she's got the hand whisk on.
It's really noisy. I had a friend
next door called Emma and a friend
round the block calledEmma.
"Mum, I'm going to Emma's house.
Emma round the block."
Mum was like... What's that?
"Yes, yes, yes, go away."
OK. I was like, "No, Mum. Emma
round the block, not next door.
"You always get your English wrong."
So I went to Emma's and had a really
good time. A few hours pass,
I'm picked up by my dungarees,
dragged out the house by my mum.
"What the fuck? What did I do?"
I mean... Sorry. I said,
"What the duck? What did I do?"
Is that Polish for "fuck"?
LAUGHTER
Yeah. It's five-year-old for "fuck".
So then I got to the living room
of my mum's house.
She starts screaming at me. I was
like, "I did tell you. It's not
my fault that you're Polish."
And her Polish fucking friend
was there and, in Polish,
said to my mum,
"You need to give her a good beating
so she never does this again.
"If you beat her now, she'll
remember and always tell you
where she's going."
I remember screaming at her,
"No! I did tell you! It's not
my fault you're fucking Polish!"
I was screaming at her...
To be fair,
you have remembered, so...
LAUGHTER
So she... Did she attack you?
My mum got the belt off and was
like, "Sorry, darling," in Polish.
I was like, "No!"
I got walloped with a belt.
Blimey! She took the belt to you?
To this day, she's like,
"I'm so sorry. My friend told me
and I didn't want to hurt you."
I'm like,
"Fuck off! Go back to Poland."
LAUGHTER
"Come back! I'm sorry, Mum!
I love you really!" Wow.
What's she like about the recent
influx of Polish people? Er...
Are they Johnny Come Latelysto her?
No, she loves it. She loves Britain
for having all the different
foreigners we've got.
She's really pro it all. She made
an effort to learn the language.
She learnt it a bit late
cos I still got beaten!
POSH:
She tried to talk like this.
How did she get out of Poland?
My dad just put her in a suitcase
and brought her over, I think.
Yeah, he just brought her over.
You couldn't leave. My grandad, there
was some war going on inEngland.
And my grandad fought
in the planes... In the planes?!
Yeah. I don't know the details.
He was a pilot? Yes. I don't think
he was that senior.
He was one of the Polish RAF folk.
Yes!
That rings a bell.
There were a lot. Well...
This is your field. Yeah.
303 Squadron flying out of Duxford.
That was it. The 303.
Duxford or Fuxford? It's Duxford.
LAUGHTER
We were hard up for pilots and all
these guys came over. It's amazing.
A war hero. Well, I don't know about
hero, but yeah. I think if he flew
one of those things. Think so?
Yeah, definitely. Props to your
grandpa. My grandad used to be
a bingo caller in Rotherhithe.
LAUGHTER
"What did you do in the war,
Grandad?" Apparently, he was
very good at it, kept spirits up.
There's no way I could be a comedian
if it wasn't for my mum
and my history.
I feel really lucky and like
it's almost our job to make sure
we fulfil everything we can.
I think the bingo's helped me
as well.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You're one of about 25. Yeah.
I've got four brothers.
One younger, three older. Did you
ever wish you had a sister?
No, we never thought about it.
Of course you didn't. It would help
with getting girls. Having a sister?
No! For some advice!
No, it doesn't help.
I had two sisters. It didn't
garner me anything. No?
Di you go to boarding school? Yeah.
I went to boarding school at nine.
Oh, my God. Yeah. Far away?
Not that far away.
The end of the road! The shed.
I went to the shed for weeks.
And I didn't like it to start with,
but by Sixth Form, the last two
years, it was absolutely brilliant.
We all knew each other,
we'd settled our differences
and you were free, basically,
to do what you wanted.
The last two years were brilliant.
But when you're nine, it's pretty
hard core. Would you send your kids?
If they wanted to go, yeah.
It's changed. We were in dormitories
of, like, 12 people.
Now they get a room to two of them
and it's all different.
It used to be a dozen 13-year-olds
having a wanking competition.
And I remember...
I think that's the Cabinet now.
When you got older, you had to be
the dorm monitor. You slept
in a room with the younger lads.
And you'd always come to bed later.
One night...
One of the boys pipes up. "We had
a wanking competition tonight."
Right, OK. Immediate overshare.
And the way they decided who'd won
was the bloke who came quickest.
You think, "Lads, this really isn't
going to help...in later life."
LAUGHTER
I even knew that when I was 16.
The terrible thing men don't
understand is time's short,
we're all tired... Get on with it?
APPLAUSE
Get it over and done with. OK.
Time for a life review.
Isn't that because you have to end up
eating the biscuit?
There was no biscuit. No biscuit?!
People ask about the biscuit game.
I don't know what they're on about.
That's the only thing I was up for.
Before. Before, obviously.
I just like biscuits.
If there's a game where you can win
a biscuit, I'm listening. Then I
hear the rest and it's, "Leave it."
How can this possibly be true?
This is something people at boarding
school agree to tell people?
A wanking competition?! Yeah. Why?
Because 13-year-old boys
are complete fucking idiots.
LAUGHTER
Are they not embarrassed to...
No, they're idiots. They compare
willies. Do they? It's exciting.
It's passing the time.
It's like what girls do.
"What are your boobs like?"
"What are yours like?"
But you don't put the contents of
your boobs on a biscuit and eat it.
I said, "Lovely to see you here."
He said, "I didn't really join
the dancing," and flew away.
Now I want to know about Uri Geller
and his wedding.
I did go to Uri Geller's wedding.
When was this? I'm trying to think.
I think I was about 14.
It was a long time ago. OK.
It was a sort of vow renewal
ceremony. Right. That coincided
with two things - one, Uri Geller's
brief friendship with the late
Michael Jackson,
two, a financial offer from Hello!
magazine. That's not to say...
that Uri Geller and his wife weren't
going to have a vow renewal anyway.
And my dad got an invitation.
They had the same publisher.
He was invited and I went in the
kitchen and he was just throwing it
in the bin.
I said, "What's that?" He said,
"Why would I go to his wedding?"
I said, "If you don't accept it and
take me, this relationship is over."
I knew that Michael Jackson...
So we went to this wedding.
The guests were quite strange. I
don't know if they were his friends,
but there were lots of people
you didn't know, then Dave Stewart
out of the Eurythmics,
Nigel Mansell, Patti Boulaye
and Hilary Jones, the GMTV doctor.
LAUGHTER
Dr Hilary! He's... And my dad. These
are the people who had accepted.
So the people from Hello!...
It's quite a jump down from MJ.
This is what was very interesting.
There's a lesson I learned
about celebrity hierarchy.
Michael Jackson, the best man,
was three hours late. To begin with,
during this long delay,
I got the feeling that celebrities
look for someone of a similar status
to themselves.
Dave Stewart would only talk to
his own manager. None of the other
famous people... Nigel Mansell!
Well, 45 minutes in, he crumbled
and talked to Mansell.
In a corner, he talked to Mansell.
Hilary Jones tried to join in.
That was not...
That's not happening. They just
moved away, they moved away.
And the people from Hello! went
round interviewing the same people.
They got to my dad eventually.
"Why are you here?"
"I brought my daughter
to meet Michael Jackson.
"She's over 12 now, so I thought
that would be safe." About three
hours in, Michael Jackson got there.
He was on crutches at the time
and he sort of hobbled past,
helped by this rabbi.
And he was helped up onto this stage
and they had the wedding,
a Jewish service,
but sitting at the back
was Michael Jackson on a throne
with a broken leg, looking baffled.
And then he was helped down and he
hobbled past and I was definitely
going to speak to MichaelJackson.
I said, "Lovely to see you here."
He said, "I didn't really
join the dancing," and got back
in his helicopter and flew away.
He didn't do a speech? He sat there,
they all danced round him,
folk dancing on the stage.
He didn't join in. He sat on
his chair, was put in the helicopter
and was taken away. That's weird.
It was very, very weird.
I sat next to Michael Jackson
in the theatre. What was the show?
Oliver!
I'm saying nothing.
It's absolutely true.
Did he smile at you? Acknowledge
you? No. He sat down and smiled
a bit and he had his kids withhim
and a security person, a couple of
nannies. Quite a lot of people.
They did a bit of seat rearranging
so he could sit with his kids.
Then everybody in the seats in front
just got up, turned round and started
taking hundreds of photos.
Did he enjoy the show? He loved it.
How much? Did Oliver get some more?
But that's the whole thing with him.
You don't know whether to feel
sorry for him.
Is that nice or is that chilling?
When he died...
I was in Las Vegas when he died
and everyone was in tears.
Hotel receptionists,
people in shops, everyone in tears.
Turn on the television,
newsreaders in tears.
Everyone. I haven't had a greater
sense of cultural difference
between the UK and America.
On TV, there's Michael Jackson's
face and a flag behind him.
It's a still. They've put the flag
and church-like music and they're
talking about his charity work
and his religious faith
and what a great man he was.
And I got a text from a friend
in London that went "RIPaedo".
LAUGHTER
And I genuinely...
I didn't know whether to feel
homesick or ashamed.
It's a good option for the title
for this show.
Finger-lickin' bad, Rob?
I don't think bad. In search of
justice is a better description.
Basically,
I was on my way back from a house
party in south-east London, hungry.
I went to KFC. I bought a box meal
for about £4.29.
Gave them a tenner. OK.
Guess what came back in my hand.
Oh, you got change for a fiver.
Yes, I did. Oh, no.
So they... I was like, "Oh, you've
not given me the right change."
I was expecting, "Oh, sorry..."
and the fiver comes. Didn't happen.
So I refused to leave.
And I occupied a KFC
for four hours.
LAUGHTER
So me and my two mates,
this was like quarter to 11
and they were shutting at 11.
So I was just sitting on the floor,
eating my chicken
and then I thought it'll take them
an hour and a half to clear up.
It don't matter if I'm here or not.
I need to wait another hour
and a half after that.
Or you're not inconveniencing them.
"I'm not going till I get my money."
Did you ever doubt you'd done it?
"Maybe it was a fiver..." Yeah,
but once you're two hours in...
I know it's only a fiver, but I
didn't have much money. Principle.
I'm not spending nine quid.
No matter how...
Even if it was palm-lickingly good,
I'm not spending seven quid on it.
I could get a bucket for that
and wear it on the way home.
So I'm in there. I did think...
They went, "You can see on the CCTV
that you've given us a fiver."
I went, "Show me the video and
I'll go." "No, you can't see it."
It's definitely a tenner.
If it was me, I'd go,
"There. You're drunk, get out."
I wasn't going anywhere.
Then my mate needed a wee, so they
let him out, but I didn't go.
You had a mate? Two mates with me.
What... What?!
So a fiver between three of you
over four hours? They got theirs.
This is like... It's the principle!
It's 60p an hour, per person.
This is idiotic.
I could have got a job doing
the Qatar Olympics for that wage.
Or World Cup, whatever.
So it got to three in the morning,
they're having a cup of tea
thinking, "How do we deal with it?"
Then I went, "Right, let's have
a deal. You give me £2.50
and we'll call it quits."
LAUGHTER
And then...they haggled me down.
Two quid later I was out the door.
LAUGHTER
You've got your own manager?
Someone who negotiates
professionally?
Yeah... Are you here for three quid?
I still...
I still go in KFC on my own,
but my manager does businessy stuff.
How much is an actual chicken?
What do you mean?
In God's eyes?
As opposed to a chicken?
What difference does "actual" make?
They're cheaper alive than dead.
If you were to purchase a live
chicken. Only three or four quid.
And we only eat lady chickens.
Not men ones. Roosters? Yeah,
whatever you want to call them.
We only eat the hens. Do you have
male cows or is that buffaloes?
How do you know it's a malecow?
It's a bull. A bull!
A bull or bullocks. Thank you.
Under what circumstances?
In general. I see the cows,
I didn't know they were all women.
If it's a male, it's not a cow.
Bull. OK, it's a bull. Why don't we
eat bulls then? We do.
Do we? Milky the cow,
eaty the bull.
So when you have steak, is that cow
or bull? It's cow! No, it's bull!
You've confused me!
More likely a bull.
I don't know what's true any more.
Cows are really intelligent
creatures. I went to a barn once...
And had a good chat? I did!
It was using a cow-culator?
Cow-culator!
Oh, yes.
Try the veal.
That's a baby cow, right?
Yeah! Is that the one they put
in the dark? Yeah. Why in the dark?
They don't want it to learn stuff
cos it's really intelligent.
LAUGHTER
I get the feeling you're mocking me
here. I get the distinct feeling
you're taking the piss there.
They don't want it to move around.
Moo-ve around.
You're on fire!
He's lining them up. Cheers!
I got drunk once and went in the fish
and chip shop and when I came out -
I love fish and chips -
and my bit of fish fell off.
Oh, no. And I dropped it.
I went back in and told them
they hadn't served it properly.
No fish on this!
"Oi! You put it on like it weren't
balanced right. It's fallen off.
"It's in the road out there!"
And did that work?
"What were you doing?!" They went,
"Sorry, sir." Gave me another one.
Quite rightly they thought, "Give him
a fish and he'll go." Yeah!
No wonder cod are extinct.
I'm walking down my own road
and couldn't finish the chips,
so I put them on the roof of a car
of a neighbour that I hated.
I took a sip from my drink
and the whole room went, "Aaaah!"
Why are you now wary of hecklers?
Were you previously not wary?
Well, no... Heckling is the...
Every interview...
I mean, you'll have...
LAUGHTER
Get on with it! Well, exactly.
The great journalistic question.
"How do you deal with hecklers?"
The worst ever heckling incident
I have ever experienced
was when I first started out.
I got a bunch of gigs,
me and Miles Crawford.
You remember Miles.
Yep. Miles is a black guy, right?
And this was 1991.
He was doing really well
at the time. He was driving a Saab.
I was his support act.
Is that your definition of doing
really well? A defunct car company.
When you're starting out and he's
driving a convertible Saab Turbo,
at 100mph,
he's doing better than you.
You calibrate it. Anyway...
First of all, the big eye-opener
was everywhere we went
Miles would run into actual,
straight-up, frank racism.
One gig really stood out.
It was in a pub in Romford. There
was a DJ on called White Lightning.
Right?
Who was also part of the
entertainment. He had a white PA,
all in white vinyl, white grilles,
white suit, white turntables, decks,
the whole thing. He's a white guy?
Funny you should say that.
We get there
and we get there a bit too early
cos Miles' Saab was very fast...
No speed cameras in those days.
We get there really early
and we rock up
and he goes, "Our comedians are
here. We've got Al Murray."
Miles goes over and goes,
"Actually, I'm on as well."
He goes, "Who are you? His shadow?"
And you're thinking, "Stop it!"
Just awful, the whole thing.
And Miles says, "I run a club.
"I really like your PA and your set.
Have you got a card?"
And the guy had cards on the PA.
He went, "No, haven't got any
cards." Miles does close-up magic,
so he palmed one, took one.
The guy didn't even notice.
We do the gig and I go on. By the
time we go on, it's rammed, full.
There's a bloke sat at the front
who's in a beige Pringle sweater
and he looks like he's pregnant.
And he's wearing slippers.
He's such a regular in the pub,
he's wearing slippers.
And it's his birthday. Every time
I do a punchline, he gets his false
teeth out and goes "Ha ha ha ha!"
And he's doing what he can to
disrupt it. I can't put him down
cos you do get those hecklers
who think they're part of it.
The big mistake is...
They think they're being helpful.
You're just pouring petrol on it.
So I get off in the end. Miles comes
on and this bloke won't stop.
Eventually, Miles goes, "Enough!
Enough!" I'm sat at the back.
"I'm not having any more of this.
"What's your name?"
He gets the bloke up. He says,
"Apparently, it's your birthday."
He'd been in there since 11,
drinking Guinness for his 50th.
Miles says, "We're going to sing
Happy Birthday to you."
So he debags him,
pulls his trousers down.
A guy gets out the audience
and pulls his underpants down.
And he turns around, embarrassed.
I'm sat at the back. I took a sip
from my drink and suddenly
the whole room went, "Aaaaaah!"
What had happened was
he had shit himself, right.
This guy.
Defecated. Defecated.
Soiled himself. And there's a splash
on the back of his knee, right?
Oh... That's the detail I remember
from 25 years ago. Back of his knee.
And Miles is stood behind him
and is looking at the room thinking,
"What's happened? What's going on?"
Then you could see the smell hit
him. "Oh, my God!" He leans around
and takes a look.
And he goes, "Well,
we better sing Happy Birthday."
LAUGHTER
You know those football crowd
moments when everyone sings
the same thing out of thin air?
He goes, "What's his name?"
And they all go, "Shitarse!"
So they then sing
Happy Birthday dear Shitarse,
and then the crowning moment is
Miles then goes, "Thanks, everybody.
"Thanks. Earlier on when we got
here, the DJ, White Lightning,"
who was still stood behind him,
"was really rude to me and
he wouldn't let me take his card.
"But I have it here."
It appears out of nowhere.
"There's only one place to put
this..." And he stuck it...
He stuck it
between Shitarse's cheeks.
Right?
And then he says, "Off you go."
The bloke pulls up his trousers,
does up his belt and sitsback down.
Then we went back. The last gig was
three weeks later at another pub
up the road and he turns up.
"Remember me, lads?"
Yes!
Did you at any stage consider
gigging in a different area?
Well, pretty soon after, yeah.
It was extraordinary.
My story's about the Archbishop
of Canterbury! I very much hope
we can raise this up.
Or does he soil himself?
This is a very small story of
immense personal embarrassment, but
I'm not sure now. It's allrelative.
No, I met...
It's not the current Archbishop.
It is an Archbishop ago,
Rowan Williams,
of whom I was an enormous fan.
Big fan of Rowan Williams. What?!
Like a fan of an Archbishop? Yes.
Did you have a poster?
He's my favourite Archbishop.
I preferred his earlier work.
Went a bit mainstream in Canterbury.
He preferred his earlier work.
How can you judge an Archbishop's
work? What does he do?
This one was an academic. He became
Archbishop reluctantly. He wasn't
very comfortable with the power
and tried his very best to...
What power have you got?
If he turned up, I couldn't give
two fucks. It's not like Alan Sugar
walking in. You're like,"Hello!"
Wait a second! Sugar's got
more power than the Archbishop. No.
Archbishop has to check upstairs.
His Grace would agree
he's no Alan Sugar, but...
Do you say "His Grace"? Of course!
He's the Archbishop!
Rob, Rob... It's not like the Queen.
It's a bit full on, isn't it?
Just listen now.
LAUGHTER
It's not an easy job,
steering that particular ship.
Like a lower league Pope. He's
the head of the Church of England.
So like lower league Pope, innit?
Very different from the Pope.
I got invited, I assume, by accident
to a reception at Lambeth Palace,
which is not a football ground,
which is where...
where he was living.
And he was standing in the doorway.
I sort of grabbed his hand
and gushed.
"Oh, I'm such a big fan."
I rambled and gabbled
and after a while he said,
"Well, do please get yourself
a drink." Meaning, please...
Let go.
There was a queue
of dignitaries.
So then I felt terrible.
I was a big fan of this guy and
that was my one chance to meet him
and I was a real idiot.
He perhaps sensing my disappointment
at the way I conducted myself
actually came over
to let me have another go.
At which point I decided
to just own it.
"I'm sorry I was such an idiot.
I hadn't thought what to say.
"It's a bit like that moment
in Dirty Dancing when she says,
'I carried a watermelon.'"
You know what I mean by that?
I get that reference. Thank you.
I don't. I don't.
You and the Archbishop both.
Alan Sugar would know.
"I'm not sure I know what you mean."
So I said, "Jennifer Grey...
goes into the nightclub
"and she sees Patrick Swayze
and she's so excited
"and earlier in the day she'd
carried a watermelon to a party,
so that's all she can say."
He said, "Why did she say that?"
I said, "Well, she's
so attracted to him..."
LAUGHTER
Ding dong! "..that he..."
Oh, the penny just dropped.
Yeah, hello!
"She's a young woman, it's her first
holiday, she's had no experience
and he's like a grinding...
"..bare-chested dancer,
he's writhing in the room,
covered in sweat
"and this is overwhelming for her."
And in that moment our eyes met,
mine and the Archbishop's,
and we both knew that in this story
he was the grinding, bare-chested...
LAUGHTER
..Patrick Swayze
and I was the stammering virgin on
her first holiday in the Catskills
discovering erotic excitement
for the first time.
Did he pick you up and do the lift?
"Aaaaah!"
Wouldn't that have been amazing?
No, he said, "It's lovely
you were able to come."
LAUGHTER
Anyway, listen, you lot.
I really have enjoyed all this chat,
but we should now try to think
of a title
for the show. I can't get away
from Jaffa Cake Nips.
It's going to be very difficult...
It does have a certain ring to it.
Cool. My fear is does that title
appear in the Radio Times
above pictures of us?
Because...
..if so... Whatever you can do
for the ratings, mate.
Whatever you can do.
Why did you say "in search of
justice" before? What was that?
Cos he said finger-lickin' bad.
I wasn't bad. I was in search
of justice for my full change.
We haven't really done justice...
Finger-lickin' justice could tie in
with the Kanye bit.
LAUGHTER AND GROANS
And his heckle story. And Jacko.
"What do you call a male cow?"
That was my favourite.
Whatever you want, it's not going to
answer back! "How much is
a chicken?" I enjoyed that question.
"How much is a chicken?"
Everyone was quite angry,
like I was an idiot for asking.
Nobody came up with a price.
I told you, three or four quid.
My mum got her two for free.
You can get rescue chickens.
So earlier on when we were talking
about the winner is who comes first,
we said surely that's not right
and you said, "Time's short,
we're all tired."
That seems like a good option.
The audience nodding!
Listen, it's been marvellous.
Please thank all of my guests -
Victoria Coren Mitchell.
APPLAUSE
Rob Beckett. Thanks.
Al Murray. Thank you.
Luisa Omielan. Yay!
My name's Alan Davies
and you have been watching
Jaffa Cake Nipples. Thank you.
Subtitles by Ericsson
CTO N218J/82
BF000000
I bet you got Alan Davies a taxi,
didn't you?
Come on. You like the hat,
don't you? And the facial hair.
And the full head of hair.
I'm not bald.
I hope to God there's makeup.
What up, bitches? Oooh!
It's awkward, isn't it,
you following me?
Hello. Good evening.
I'm Alan Davies and this is
As Yet Untitled,
a show that's completely unrehearsed,
unscripted, undervalued in my view.
Hopefully, not unrepeatable
cos it's got to be broadcast on Dave.
That's...that's the scripted bit.
It's been prepared.
Now joining me tonight
we have four very funny guests.
They'll have some stories.
From those, we will find a title
for the show. It's a small ambition,
but it's often beyondus.
So please welcome my guests.
APPLAUSE
Welcome, welcome. Hello.
Here they all are.
We have Victoria Coren Mitchell here.
Lovely to see you, Victoria.
She went to Uri Geller's wedding
and was an archbishop's groupie.
Victoria Coren Mitchell's here.
Rob Beckett is here. Rob Beckett is
finger-lickin' bad and you wouldn't
like him when he's angry.Rob's here.
Al Murray. Welcome. Al Murray is now
a little more wary of hecklers.
Mm. This is true.
And Luisa Omielan is here.
Great to have you here.
Luisa was at Emma's round the block.
Welcome, all of you.
You've all got your beverages.
Yeah, I've got two, mate.
Water and a Coke. Lovely title
for a book. Could we get you a bigger
wine glass or is that acceptable?
You definitely could.
I'll start immediately.
What's in that pink thing?
I've got no idea, but it's so nice.
Normally, when you're gigging,
in the dressing room they have
either beer or wine. I'm like,
"Can I have a Cosmo?" "No."
No, you won't get one. Whereas here
they've given me a Cosmopolitan.
Is it just... It looks like Benylin.
Want to try some?
Wow ho ho!
What's in the Cosmopolitan?
You don't know?! No.
I believe it contains grapefruit
juice, to which I am violently
allergic. Are you really? Yes.
It would cause me
to have liver failure, so...
Oh. It's really weird, grapefruit.
It's an anomaly as a fruit.
It's like the okapi.
It's like a shit orange. Not right.
Doesn't it make you lose weight?
Well, if you keep being sick, yeah!
And you've got no liver.
Is it just grapefruit? Cos
I'm allergic to some fresh fruits.
My mouth goes all swollen up.
It's called oral allergy syndrome.
Like in Friends when Ross had a kiwi
and got a big, swollen mouth.
I had a bag of cherries
and my head nearly fell off.
I went into anaphylactic shock.
My mum thought I was trying to get
out of school. "My head'sall big!"
She's like, "What's the news there?"
Exactly! She was watching EastEnders
so I rung my dad who was at work.
And then... He went, "Go downstairs
and pass the phone to Mum."
So I went down there.
She put the phone down and took me
to hospital. I'd a big
Miss Piggy head, all swollen up.
Were you struggling to breathe?
Yes. I had a swollen tongue
and I blacked out in the car.
I work up in a hospital bed.
So enjoy that drink(!)
I think it's cranberry and orange
and Cointreau, so you'd be
all right. Really?
You could risk it.
I'll take your word for it.
Before we came in the studio...
..we were talking about Kanye...
I can't get... Kanye West!
I can't get it out of my head,
so can we talk about it now?
Basically, Kanye West had a Twitter
row with a rapper he doesn't get on
with, who goes out with his ex.
He started having a go at her,
being quite derogatory.
And then Amber Rose replied,
"Oh, look at Kanye kicking off.
Is he annoyed cos he's not having
a finger up his arse any more?"
Is that right?
Words to that effect.
"Are you upset because you miss
having your bum played with?"
My favourite bit was Kanye's
response. He responded like,
"Guys, just so you know,
I don't like a finger up my arse."
Which I think is brilliant!
He tweeted that, or his PA?
He tweeted it. His people?
How many people are in there?!
In where? In his arse.
David Cameron said nothing
when the pig thing came out.
Kanye's like, "Guys...!"
Cameron had the tweet ready to go.
"Don't send it, Dave!"
If you've broken up in public, it
isn't the first thing you bring up.
"Do you miss having your bum played
with?" She took it there because
he started insulting her kids.
"You've got kids now with
a stripper. Good luck being stuck
with a stripper for 18 years."
So she just went, "Do you know what?
Here's the bum thing."
Like that.
And then threw her phone in a bin.
"Done. My work here is done."
But now...
Since then, Kim Kardashian, who is
married to Kanye, has done a selfie
with her and Amber Rose
in the selfie. "We're cool."
I thought you were going to say
a selfie with Kanye's bum!
Like this.
"Who's a happy boy now?"
THAT would break the internet.
"Someone's cheered up."
When we were little, there were
these friends we used to go to.
The mum made a terrible Spaghetti
Bolognese, but we knew to say,
"Thank you. That was delicious."
So she made it every time we went,
every single time.
Maybe he feels he has to say that
or every time he goes home
with somebody, he'll be servedup
the same...dish, as it were.
So just say something right now.
Yeah.
I like the logic to that.
It was the denial.
You're Kanye West. You don't need
to say that. You're Kanye West.
This is what annoys me about him.
They've got a daughter called North,
but the second one isn't a pun.
That bothers me like towels not
being hung neatly. The girl is North
so the son needs to be called...
Wild. But he's like Philip.
Saint. Oh, Saint. You can't be
called North West and Saint West.
You'd be going, "What is it...?"
Like there's a cereal
called Oat So Simple. Yes.
I try to work out what that pun is.
Oh, it's so simple?
Oh, so simple? It's definitely
a pun. I did a crisp promotion
for Comic Relief four years ago
with some other comics. We all had
flavours named after ourselves.
That was the gimmick.
The person who sold the most crisps
would win. Stephen Fry won,
so that was all academic.
LAUGHTER
And his... Stephen Fry Up
was the name of his crisps.
That works. Jimmy Con Carr-ne.
Absolutely. That works.
Steak and Al Pie was me. And then...
Wait for it.
Frank Roast Dinner. What? Is that
Frank Skinner? Frank Skinner.
That does not work. No, it does not
work! Not with Stephen Fry Up,
Jimmy Con Carr-ne, Steak and Al Pie,
which works perfectly well.
Frank Roast Dinner.
It's shit. I can say that now.
We raised the money.
Who came second? Do we know?
We were all told we'd come second.
I'm racking my brains for a food
for Skinner. Or Frank. Or just get
a different coming, one that works.
I mean, that's easier, innit?
I remember screaming at her. "No!
I did tell you where I was! It's not
my fault you're fucking Polish!"
Would we really not like you
if you were angry? Well...
I can't imagine it. That's the thing.
I'm very happy and cheery, but I get
the hump over silly little things.
I had two major incidences
where I lost my mind.
One was my awful attempt at making
a toasted cheese sandwich. Then I
lost £13 betting on sumowrestling.
And...I punched a wall.
I was betting my brother
at sumo wrestling.
We was doing one quid a go.
I lost 13 in a row.
The best one must stand on the left.
He always picked the left one.
Were you watching a repeat?
LAUGHTER
Em...I mean...
I... Your brother
was just pressing Play.
Now it's all falling into place.
That might have been it.
I just thought the one on the left
must be the best and he knows.
The higher seeded one.
He done me 13 times in a row.
I got up, went upstairs, punched
a hole in the wall, got told off.
But the cheese sandwich one,
I've never been so angry in my life.
Trying to make a toasted cheese
sandwich in a machine
and all the cheese came out.
Putting too much cheese in, Rob.
No, I did less.
This was my fifth attempt.
The cheese is belting out of it
and all I had was like toast
with a little sad, saggy middle.
Halfway through the sixth one,
I just went aaargh and squashed it
and burnt all my hands.
LAUGHTER
I was furious.
But like, you know... The day was
going fine until then? Yeah!
You don't think it's misdirected.
I hadn't been on the sumo
for a few weeks. What age wereyou
when you were betting on sumo? It
might have been teenage frustration.
Or it was before I was doing comedy.
I had to scream into a pillow.
Do you ever get too excited,
have too much energy you don't know
what to do? No. No.
LAUGHTER
Just like so you have to scream?
No. No. Like, "Aaargh!"
Well, I have to. And doing loads of
gigs gets it out of my system.
If not, I have to scream with
excitement. Have you ever killed
anyone? Not that I'm aware of, no.
OK. I've never killed anyone.
Have you thought about it? Yeah!
Who hasn't? The inventor
of that fucking sandwich maker!
I think that's nice you get
so excited you have to scream.
I don't get angry about big things.
I was trying to get this flat
a few weeks ago and it fell through.
"Oh, I'll get another one."
But sandwiches do my head in.
Were your brothers tormenting you?
Yeah. And I had four brothers
and we were awful to each other.
Horrible nicknames.
Awful stuff. What nicknames did you
have? In puberty, I had quite large
nipples. So Jaffa Cake Tits.
LAUGHTER
I mean...
That is a thing that happens
to boys. Boys get those fat nipples
at one point. Fat nipples.
Have you grown into them now?
Sort of. In an ideal world
they'd be slightly smaller,
but I won't get bogged down by that.
Is that why you wear a jacket?
Don't try and break me down
like in a psychologist's chair!
I wondered if you were trying to
hide 'em. No... You've just gone
like this with a cheese sandwich.
Aaaargh! Screaming into a pillow.
You don't need a psychologist's
chair. You're obviously a lunatic.
But they used to wind me up.
They'd come in with two Jaffa Cakes.
Old Jaff nips. Jaff nips?
Jaff nips, yeah.
It even got abbreviated.
Sounds like a Star Wars character!
Jaffa the Nips.
Is it a biscuit or is it cake?
No, it's Rob's nipples.
Then my brother had a spotty back
so we called him Dartboard Back.
It's what happened.
And then we got through it.
So, Luisa, who's Emma? Ah, so...
When I was younger... My mum's
Polish. Polish was my first language
even though I was born here.
When I went to school, I didn't like
being the only Polish kid
or like not knowing English,
so I started speaking English at
home, to annoy my mum. Defiantly.
Yeah. But she'd always get
her English wrong, cos she's
a foreigner. So she's...
Do you think of her as a foreigner?
Yeah! Get out!
"Get out of your house!"
Get out! It's my country. Get out!
Can you remember any Polish?
SPEAKS POLISH
That's, "Hello. How are you? Where's
the toilet?" It's all I need
in any conversation.
Any circumstance. Any circumstance.
"Where's the toilet? How are you?"
So she's making doughnuts,
classic Polish dish. Wait a second!
Polish doughnuts are amazing.
But doughnuts aren't Polish. Yes,
they are. They're from America!
No, they're not. The Polish
made them first. Anyway...
She's making Polish doughnuts.
Polish doughnuts. Oh, Polish.
That's different(!)
Yes, they're Polish.
So she's got the hand whisk on.
It's really noisy. I had a friend
next door called Emma and a friend
round the block calledEmma.
"Mum, I'm going to Emma's house.
Emma round the block."
Mum was like... What's that?
"Yes, yes, yes, go away."
OK. I was like, "No, Mum. Emma
round the block, not next door.
"You always get your English wrong."
So I went to Emma's and had a really
good time. A few hours pass,
I'm picked up by my dungarees,
dragged out the house by my mum.
"What the fuck? What did I do?"
I mean... Sorry. I said,
"What the duck? What did I do?"
Is that Polish for "fuck"?
LAUGHTER
Yeah. It's five-year-old for "fuck".
So then I got to the living room
of my mum's house.
She starts screaming at me. I was
like, "I did tell you. It's not
my fault that you're Polish."
And her Polish fucking friend
was there and, in Polish,
said to my mum,
"You need to give her a good beating
so she never does this again.
"If you beat her now, she'll
remember and always tell you
where she's going."
I remember screaming at her,
"No! I did tell you! It's not
my fault you're fucking Polish!"
I was screaming at her...
To be fair,
you have remembered, so...
LAUGHTER
So she... Did she attack you?
My mum got the belt off and was
like, "Sorry, darling," in Polish.
I was like, "No!"
I got walloped with a belt.
Blimey! She took the belt to you?
To this day, she's like,
"I'm so sorry. My friend told me
and I didn't want to hurt you."
I'm like,
"Fuck off! Go back to Poland."
LAUGHTER
"Come back! I'm sorry, Mum!
I love you really!" Wow.
What's she like about the recent
influx of Polish people? Er...
Are they Johnny Come Latelysto her?
No, she loves it. She loves Britain
for having all the different
foreigners we've got.
She's really pro it all. She made
an effort to learn the language.
She learnt it a bit late
cos I still got beaten!
POSH:
She tried to talk like this.
How did she get out of Poland?
My dad just put her in a suitcase
and brought her over, I think.
Yeah, he just brought her over.
You couldn't leave. My grandad, there
was some war going on inEngland.
And my grandad fought
in the planes... In the planes?!
Yeah. I don't know the details.
He was a pilot? Yes. I don't think
he was that senior.
He was one of the Polish RAF folk.
Yes!
That rings a bell.
There were a lot. Well...
This is your field. Yeah.
303 Squadron flying out of Duxford.
That was it. The 303.
Duxford or Fuxford? It's Duxford.
LAUGHTER
We were hard up for pilots and all
these guys came over. It's amazing.
A war hero. Well, I don't know about
hero, but yeah. I think if he flew
one of those things. Think so?
Yeah, definitely. Props to your
grandpa. My grandad used to be
a bingo caller in Rotherhithe.
LAUGHTER
"What did you do in the war,
Grandad?" Apparently, he was
very good at it, kept spirits up.
There's no way I could be a comedian
if it wasn't for my mum
and my history.
I feel really lucky and like
it's almost our job to make sure
we fulfil everything we can.
I think the bingo's helped me
as well.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You're one of about 25. Yeah.
I've got four brothers.
One younger, three older. Did you
ever wish you had a sister?
No, we never thought about it.
Of course you didn't. It would help
with getting girls. Having a sister?
No! For some advice!
No, it doesn't help.
I had two sisters. It didn't
garner me anything. No?
Di you go to boarding school? Yeah.
I went to boarding school at nine.
Oh, my God. Yeah. Far away?
Not that far away.
The end of the road! The shed.
I went to the shed for weeks.
And I didn't like it to start with,
but by Sixth Form, the last two
years, it was absolutely brilliant.
We all knew each other,
we'd settled our differences
and you were free, basically,
to do what you wanted.
The last two years were brilliant.
But when you're nine, it's pretty
hard core. Would you send your kids?
If they wanted to go, yeah.
It's changed. We were in dormitories
of, like, 12 people.
Now they get a room to two of them
and it's all different.
It used to be a dozen 13-year-olds
having a wanking competition.
And I remember...
I think that's the Cabinet now.
When you got older, you had to be
the dorm monitor. You slept
in a room with the younger lads.
And you'd always come to bed later.
One night...
One of the boys pipes up. "We had
a wanking competition tonight."
Right, OK. Immediate overshare.
And the way they decided who'd won
was the bloke who came quickest.
You think, "Lads, this really isn't
going to help...in later life."
LAUGHTER
I even knew that when I was 16.
The terrible thing men don't
understand is time's short,
we're all tired... Get on with it?
APPLAUSE
Get it over and done with. OK.
Time for a life review.
Isn't that because you have to end up
eating the biscuit?
There was no biscuit. No biscuit?!
People ask about the biscuit game.
I don't know what they're on about.
That's the only thing I was up for.
Before. Before, obviously.
I just like biscuits.
If there's a game where you can win
a biscuit, I'm listening. Then I
hear the rest and it's, "Leave it."
How can this possibly be true?
This is something people at boarding
school agree to tell people?
A wanking competition?! Yeah. Why?
Because 13-year-old boys
are complete fucking idiots.
LAUGHTER
Are they not embarrassed to...
No, they're idiots. They compare
willies. Do they? It's exciting.
It's passing the time.
It's like what girls do.
"What are your boobs like?"
"What are yours like?"
But you don't put the contents of
your boobs on a biscuit and eat it.
I said, "Lovely to see you here."
He said, "I didn't really join
the dancing," and flew away.
Now I want to know about Uri Geller
and his wedding.
I did go to Uri Geller's wedding.
When was this? I'm trying to think.
I think I was about 14.
It was a long time ago. OK.
It was a sort of vow renewal
ceremony. Right. That coincided
with two things - one, Uri Geller's
brief friendship with the late
Michael Jackson,
two, a financial offer from Hello!
magazine. That's not to say...
that Uri Geller and his wife weren't
going to have a vow renewal anyway.
And my dad got an invitation.
They had the same publisher.
He was invited and I went in the
kitchen and he was just throwing it
in the bin.
I said, "What's that?" He said,
"Why would I go to his wedding?"
I said, "If you don't accept it and
take me, this relationship is over."
I knew that Michael Jackson...
So we went to this wedding.
The guests were quite strange. I
don't know if they were his friends,
but there were lots of people
you didn't know, then Dave Stewart
out of the Eurythmics,
Nigel Mansell, Patti Boulaye
and Hilary Jones, the GMTV doctor.
LAUGHTER
Dr Hilary! He's... And my dad. These
are the people who had accepted.
So the people from Hello!...
It's quite a jump down from MJ.
This is what was very interesting.
There's a lesson I learned
about celebrity hierarchy.
Michael Jackson, the best man,
was three hours late. To begin with,
during this long delay,
I got the feeling that celebrities
look for someone of a similar status
to themselves.
Dave Stewart would only talk to
his own manager. None of the other
famous people... Nigel Mansell!
Well, 45 minutes in, he crumbled
and talked to Mansell.
In a corner, he talked to Mansell.
Hilary Jones tried to join in.
That was not...
That's not happening. They just
moved away, they moved away.
And the people from Hello! went
round interviewing the same people.
They got to my dad eventually.
"Why are you here?"
"I brought my daughter
to meet Michael Jackson.
"She's over 12 now, so I thought
that would be safe." About three
hours in, Michael Jackson got there.
He was on crutches at the time
and he sort of hobbled past,
helped by this rabbi.
And he was helped up onto this stage
and they had the wedding,
a Jewish service,
but sitting at the back
was Michael Jackson on a throne
with a broken leg, looking baffled.
And then he was helped down and he
hobbled past and I was definitely
going to speak to MichaelJackson.
I said, "Lovely to see you here."
He said, "I didn't really
join the dancing," and got back
in his helicopter and flew away.
He didn't do a speech? He sat there,
they all danced round him,
folk dancing on the stage.
He didn't join in. He sat on
his chair, was put in the helicopter
and was taken away. That's weird.
It was very, very weird.
I sat next to Michael Jackson
in the theatre. What was the show?
Oliver!
I'm saying nothing.
It's absolutely true.
Did he smile at you? Acknowledge
you? No. He sat down and smiled
a bit and he had his kids withhim
and a security person, a couple of
nannies. Quite a lot of people.
They did a bit of seat rearranging
so he could sit with his kids.
Then everybody in the seats in front
just got up, turned round and started
taking hundreds of photos.
Did he enjoy the show? He loved it.
How much? Did Oliver get some more?
But that's the whole thing with him.
You don't know whether to feel
sorry for him.
Is that nice or is that chilling?
When he died...
I was in Las Vegas when he died
and everyone was in tears.
Hotel receptionists,
people in shops, everyone in tears.
Turn on the television,
newsreaders in tears.
Everyone. I haven't had a greater
sense of cultural difference
between the UK and America.
On TV, there's Michael Jackson's
face and a flag behind him.
It's a still. They've put the flag
and church-like music and they're
talking about his charity work
and his religious faith
and what a great man he was.
And I got a text from a friend
in London that went "RIPaedo".
LAUGHTER
And I genuinely...
I didn't know whether to feel
homesick or ashamed.
It's a good option for the title
for this show.
Finger-lickin' bad, Rob?
I don't think bad. In search of
justice is a better description.
Basically,
I was on my way back from a house
party in south-east London, hungry.
I went to KFC. I bought a box meal
for about £4.29.
Gave them a tenner. OK.
Guess what came back in my hand.
Oh, you got change for a fiver.
Yes, I did. Oh, no.
So they... I was like, "Oh, you've
not given me the right change."
I was expecting, "Oh, sorry..."
and the fiver comes. Didn't happen.
So I refused to leave.
And I occupied a KFC
for four hours.
LAUGHTER
So me and my two mates,
this was like quarter to 11
and they were shutting at 11.
So I was just sitting on the floor,
eating my chicken
and then I thought it'll take them
an hour and a half to clear up.
It don't matter if I'm here or not.
I need to wait another hour
and a half after that.
Or you're not inconveniencing them.
"I'm not going till I get my money."
Did you ever doubt you'd done it?
"Maybe it was a fiver..." Yeah,
but once you're two hours in...
I know it's only a fiver, but I
didn't have much money. Principle.
I'm not spending nine quid.
No matter how...
Even if it was palm-lickingly good,
I'm not spending seven quid on it.
I could get a bucket for that
and wear it on the way home.
So I'm in there. I did think...
They went, "You can see on the CCTV
that you've given us a fiver."
I went, "Show me the video and
I'll go." "No, you can't see it."
It's definitely a tenner.
If it was me, I'd go,
"There. You're drunk, get out."
I wasn't going anywhere.
Then my mate needed a wee, so they
let him out, but I didn't go.
You had a mate? Two mates with me.
What... What?!
So a fiver between three of you
over four hours? They got theirs.
This is like... It's the principle!
It's 60p an hour, per person.
This is idiotic.
I could have got a job doing
the Qatar Olympics for that wage.
Or World Cup, whatever.
So it got to three in the morning,
they're having a cup of tea
thinking, "How do we deal with it?"
Then I went, "Right, let's have
a deal. You give me £2.50
and we'll call it quits."
LAUGHTER
And then...they haggled me down.
Two quid later I was out the door.
LAUGHTER
You've got your own manager?
Someone who negotiates
professionally?
Yeah... Are you here for three quid?
I still...
I still go in KFC on my own,
but my manager does businessy stuff.
How much is an actual chicken?
What do you mean?
In God's eyes?
As opposed to a chicken?
What difference does "actual" make?
They're cheaper alive than dead.
If you were to purchase a live
chicken. Only three or four quid.
And we only eat lady chickens.
Not men ones. Roosters? Yeah,
whatever you want to call them.
We only eat the hens. Do you have
male cows or is that buffaloes?
How do you know it's a malecow?
It's a bull. A bull!
A bull or bullocks. Thank you.
Under what circumstances?
In general. I see the cows,
I didn't know they were all women.
If it's a male, it's not a cow.
Bull. OK, it's a bull. Why don't we
eat bulls then? We do.
Do we? Milky the cow,
eaty the bull.
So when you have steak, is that cow
or bull? It's cow! No, it's bull!
You've confused me!
More likely a bull.
I don't know what's true any more.
Cows are really intelligent
creatures. I went to a barn once...
And had a good chat? I did!
It was using a cow-culator?
Cow-culator!
Oh, yes.
Try the veal.
That's a baby cow, right?
Yeah! Is that the one they put
in the dark? Yeah. Why in the dark?
They don't want it to learn stuff
cos it's really intelligent.
LAUGHTER
I get the feeling you're mocking me
here. I get the distinct feeling
you're taking the piss there.
They don't want it to move around.
Moo-ve around.
You're on fire!
He's lining them up. Cheers!
I got drunk once and went in the fish
and chip shop and when I came out -
I love fish and chips -
and my bit of fish fell off.
Oh, no. And I dropped it.
I went back in and told them
they hadn't served it properly.
No fish on this!
"Oi! You put it on like it weren't
balanced right. It's fallen off.
"It's in the road out there!"
And did that work?
"What were you doing?!" They went,
"Sorry, sir." Gave me another one.
Quite rightly they thought, "Give him
a fish and he'll go." Yeah!
No wonder cod are extinct.
I'm walking down my own road
and couldn't finish the chips,
so I put them on the roof of a car
of a neighbour that I hated.
I took a sip from my drink
and the whole room went, "Aaaah!"
Why are you now wary of hecklers?
Were you previously not wary?
Well, no... Heckling is the...
Every interview...
I mean, you'll have...
LAUGHTER
Get on with it! Well, exactly.
The great journalistic question.
"How do you deal with hecklers?"
The worst ever heckling incident
I have ever experienced
was when I first started out.
I got a bunch of gigs,
me and Miles Crawford.
You remember Miles.
Yep. Miles is a black guy, right?
And this was 1991.
He was doing really well
at the time. He was driving a Saab.
I was his support act.
Is that your definition of doing
really well? A defunct car company.
When you're starting out and he's
driving a convertible Saab Turbo,
at 100mph,
he's doing better than you.
You calibrate it. Anyway...
First of all, the big eye-opener
was everywhere we went
Miles would run into actual,
straight-up, frank racism.
One gig really stood out.
It was in a pub in Romford. There
was a DJ on called White Lightning.
Right?
Who was also part of the
entertainment. He had a white PA,
all in white vinyl, white grilles,
white suit, white turntables, decks,
the whole thing. He's a white guy?
Funny you should say that.
We get there
and we get there a bit too early
cos Miles' Saab was very fast...
No speed cameras in those days.
We get there really early
and we rock up
and he goes, "Our comedians are
here. We've got Al Murray."
Miles goes over and goes,
"Actually, I'm on as well."
He goes, "Who are you? His shadow?"
And you're thinking, "Stop it!"
Just awful, the whole thing.
And Miles says, "I run a club.
"I really like your PA and your set.
Have you got a card?"
And the guy had cards on the PA.
He went, "No, haven't got any
cards." Miles does close-up magic,
so he palmed one, took one.
The guy didn't even notice.
We do the gig and I go on. By the
time we go on, it's rammed, full.
There's a bloke sat at the front
who's in a beige Pringle sweater
and he looks like he's pregnant.
And he's wearing slippers.
He's such a regular in the pub,
he's wearing slippers.
And it's his birthday. Every time
I do a punchline, he gets his false
teeth out and goes "Ha ha ha ha!"
And he's doing what he can to
disrupt it. I can't put him down
cos you do get those hecklers
who think they're part of it.
The big mistake is...
They think they're being helpful.
You're just pouring petrol on it.
So I get off in the end. Miles comes
on and this bloke won't stop.
Eventually, Miles goes, "Enough!
Enough!" I'm sat at the back.
"I'm not having any more of this.
"What's your name?"
He gets the bloke up. He says,
"Apparently, it's your birthday."
He'd been in there since 11,
drinking Guinness for his 50th.
Miles says, "We're going to sing
Happy Birthday to you."
So he debags him,
pulls his trousers down.
A guy gets out the audience
and pulls his underpants down.
And he turns around, embarrassed.
I'm sat at the back. I took a sip
from my drink and suddenly
the whole room went, "Aaaaaah!"
What had happened was
he had shit himself, right.
This guy.
Defecated. Defecated.
Soiled himself. And there's a splash
on the back of his knee, right?
Oh... That's the detail I remember
from 25 years ago. Back of his knee.
And Miles is stood behind him
and is looking at the room thinking,
"What's happened? What's going on?"
Then you could see the smell hit
him. "Oh, my God!" He leans around
and takes a look.
And he goes, "Well,
we better sing Happy Birthday."
LAUGHTER
You know those football crowd
moments when everyone sings
the same thing out of thin air?
He goes, "What's his name?"
And they all go, "Shitarse!"
So they then sing
Happy Birthday dear Shitarse,
and then the crowning moment is
Miles then goes, "Thanks, everybody.
"Thanks. Earlier on when we got
here, the DJ, White Lightning,"
who was still stood behind him,
"was really rude to me and
he wouldn't let me take his card.
"But I have it here."
It appears out of nowhere.
"There's only one place to put
this..." And he stuck it...
He stuck it
between Shitarse's cheeks.
Right?
And then he says, "Off you go."
The bloke pulls up his trousers,
does up his belt and sitsback down.
Then we went back. The last gig was
three weeks later at another pub
up the road and he turns up.
"Remember me, lads?"
Yes!
Did you at any stage consider
gigging in a different area?
Well, pretty soon after, yeah.
It was extraordinary.
My story's about the Archbishop
of Canterbury! I very much hope
we can raise this up.
Or does he soil himself?
This is a very small story of
immense personal embarrassment, but
I'm not sure now. It's allrelative.
No, I met...
It's not the current Archbishop.
It is an Archbishop ago,
Rowan Williams,
of whom I was an enormous fan.
Big fan of Rowan Williams. What?!
Like a fan of an Archbishop? Yes.
Did you have a poster?
He's my favourite Archbishop.
I preferred his earlier work.
Went a bit mainstream in Canterbury.
He preferred his earlier work.
How can you judge an Archbishop's
work? What does he do?
This one was an academic. He became
Archbishop reluctantly. He wasn't
very comfortable with the power
and tried his very best to...
What power have you got?
If he turned up, I couldn't give
two fucks. It's not like Alan Sugar
walking in. You're like,"Hello!"
Wait a second! Sugar's got
more power than the Archbishop. No.
Archbishop has to check upstairs.
His Grace would agree
he's no Alan Sugar, but...
Do you say "His Grace"? Of course!
He's the Archbishop!
Rob, Rob... It's not like the Queen.
It's a bit full on, isn't it?
Just listen now.
LAUGHTER
It's not an easy job,
steering that particular ship.
Like a lower league Pope. He's
the head of the Church of England.
So like lower league Pope, innit?
Very different from the Pope.
I got invited, I assume, by accident
to a reception at Lambeth Palace,
which is not a football ground,
which is where...
where he was living.
And he was standing in the doorway.
I sort of grabbed his hand
and gushed.
"Oh, I'm such a big fan."
I rambled and gabbled
and after a while he said,
"Well, do please get yourself
a drink." Meaning, please...
Let go.
There was a queue
of dignitaries.
So then I felt terrible.
I was a big fan of this guy and
that was my one chance to meet him
and I was a real idiot.
He perhaps sensing my disappointment
at the way I conducted myself
actually came over
to let me have another go.
At which point I decided
to just own it.
"I'm sorry I was such an idiot.
I hadn't thought what to say.
"It's a bit like that moment
in Dirty Dancing when she says,
'I carried a watermelon.'"
You know what I mean by that?
I get that reference. Thank you.
I don't. I don't.
You and the Archbishop both.
Alan Sugar would know.
"I'm not sure I know what you mean."
So I said, "Jennifer Grey...
goes into the nightclub
"and she sees Patrick Swayze
and she's so excited
"and earlier in the day she'd
carried a watermelon to a party,
so that's all she can say."
He said, "Why did she say that?"
I said, "Well, she's
so attracted to him..."
LAUGHTER
Ding dong! "..that he..."
Oh, the penny just dropped.
Yeah, hello!
"She's a young woman, it's her first
holiday, she's had no experience
and he's like a grinding...
"..bare-chested dancer,
he's writhing in the room,
covered in sweat
"and this is overwhelming for her."
And in that moment our eyes met,
mine and the Archbishop's,
and we both knew that in this story
he was the grinding, bare-chested...
LAUGHTER
..Patrick Swayze
and I was the stammering virgin on
her first holiday in the Catskills
discovering erotic excitement
for the first time.
Did he pick you up and do the lift?
"Aaaaah!"
Wouldn't that have been amazing?
No, he said, "It's lovely
you were able to come."
LAUGHTER
Anyway, listen, you lot.
I really have enjoyed all this chat,
but we should now try to think
of a title
for the show. I can't get away
from Jaffa Cake Nips.
It's going to be very difficult...
It does have a certain ring to it.
Cool. My fear is does that title
appear in the Radio Times
above pictures of us?
Because...
..if so... Whatever you can do
for the ratings, mate.
Whatever you can do.
Why did you say "in search of
justice" before? What was that?
Cos he said finger-lickin' bad.
I wasn't bad. I was in search
of justice for my full change.
We haven't really done justice...
Finger-lickin' justice could tie in
with the Kanye bit.
LAUGHTER AND GROANS
And his heckle story. And Jacko.
"What do you call a male cow?"
That was my favourite.
Whatever you want, it's not going to
answer back! "How much is
a chicken?" I enjoyed that question.
"How much is a chicken?"
Everyone was quite angry,
like I was an idiot for asking.
Nobody came up with a price.
I told you, three or four quid.
My mum got her two for free.
You can get rescue chickens.
So earlier on when we were talking
about the winner is who comes first,
we said surely that's not right
and you said, "Time's short,
we're all tired."
That seems like a good option.
The audience nodding!
Listen, it's been marvellous.
Please thank all of my guests -
Victoria Coren Mitchell.
APPLAUSE
Rob Beckett. Thanks.
Al Murray. Thank you.
Luisa Omielan. Yay!
My name's Alan Davies
and you have been watching
Jaffa Cake Nipples. Thank you.
Subtitles by Ericsson