Alan Davies: As Yet Untitled (2014–…): Season 3, Episode 9 - No Smiling, No Laughing - full transcript

Alan Davies As Yet Untitled 09
CTO M913T/82
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Ooh, it's pretty rough
working for Alan.

All the other acts get cars.
I've had to walk.

Ugh. I've got a stinking hangover.

The things I do to meet Alan Davies.

Has it started?

Yeah, I'm all right. Yeah, I'm OK.

Yeah, don't mind me, I'm all right.
Alan! Alan, I'm here!

APPLAUSE

Hello, I'm Alan Davies
and this is As Yet Untitled.

This is the show without any
real agenda or topics or themes,



we're just trying to come up
with a title for the show.

We haven't prepared, we have guests
who are amusing and interesting.

I've got some facts about them.

By the end of the show, we'll have
a title, but I do need my guests,

so please welcome my guests.

CHEERING AND WHOOPING

Hello, hello, hello.

Hello, hello, Josh.
Hello.

Here they are.

Welcome. Let's see.
We have Alice Levine here.

Alice Levine knows someone big
in mucky books

and is ever so at home in
Beverly Hills. Alice Levine is here.

Jason Byrne is with us.
Jason Byrne bombed at Croke Park

and is responsible for the world's
first wino man. Jason Bryne.



Denise van Outen is here.

Denise has never let her height
hold her back

and has flashed her crown jewels.
Denise van Outen is here.

And Josh Widdicombe. Josh still
carries the scars from his wellies

and has suffered
with a bunged up hole.

We've already had some debate
before we came in

about everyone wearing
identical clothes.

It's a bit checkie. Jason and Josh
were saying "We're too similar"

and then I came in
with a checked shirt.

Then we've all got black trousers
and black shoes on.

It's almost like
we're bang on trend. Either that...

Yeah, I know the terminology!

..or we've been...
But you can't do yours up.

No, I've got a fat neck.

AUDIENCE LAUGH
That wasn't even a joke!

I'd say broad if anything.

Could you get a bigger shirt?
Well, then I'd...

You're stretching
quite a lot there...

What's this?!
You're about to pop out.

All right... That shirt's too small.
You need a bigger shirt.

OK. Well, it's a little late.

Instead I'll just have to go on
with this national TV show

in the shirt that's clearly
too small for me. Don't worry...

At least it's not poppers.
Don't lift your arms up.

You don't have a fat neck,
all your clothes are too small.

Which is odd because I'm pretty
small. I'm five foot six and a half.

But your neck is not.
It is in width.

When you bought it, was the size
in years or was it just a number?

That's your guide. I don't have to
pay VAT on children's clothes!

Age 14.

Did you buy that shirt?
Erm...

No, I didn't actually.

Oh. Well, who bought it?

The wardrobe person
on a different TV show.

Well, they just don't know
about your fat neck! Or body.

Are your trousers
too small for you as well?

Well, there's only one way
to find out!

No, they're OK. They've been
taken up because of my short legs.

Are you really five foot six?
And a half. I'm five six and a half.

I'm five six, but you looked
smaller walking in. What?!

I didn't realise
this was a character assassination.

No, we haven't even got
to your character yet!

Is this an intervention?

Ohh...
Oh, now you've spilt your drink!

Now you do look like
a child in a pub!

Denise, I want to hear about you

flashing your crown jewels.

At Prince Charles.
Was it? Yeah.

Oh, you've just upped the ante.

Well, actually, first of all,
what happened was,

back in the '90s, I was doing a show
called The Big Breakfast

and I was invited by the Palace

as one of the Young Achievers
Of The Year to meet the Queen,...

Quite right. ..which obviously
was a great thing to do.

And Johnny Vaughan, who I was
presenting with, wasn't invited.

Ha-ha!

Wow! I bet he didn't complain
about that at all!

So when I was telling him I'd been
invited, he didn't believe me

and he said
"You have to bring something back

"to prove you've been
to the Palace", so I went

and I nicked an ashtray
and I nicked a toilet-roll holder.

You were like Supermarket Sweep!
I lifted quite a few things.

And then, when I was on air the
following morning on the live show,

he said "Prove that you went"
and I got all my stolen goods out...

Classic thieves' mistake.

I know! I got in so much trouble.
That's how they catch them.

So I had to have them couriered back
to the Palace live on the show.

No... But I did send back a stuffed
camel from a holiday in Tunisia,

just as a peace offering. That's
nice. I didn't want it any more.

So I just chucked that in the bag
as well for the Queen.

So after that incident,

I then was at Party In The Park
that Prince Charles attends -

this was about three years
after that - and I was presenting it

and they had a line-up where Prince
Charles would shake people's hands

and the royal officials
frogmarched me out of the line-up

because I wasn't allowed to be near
any of the Royal family...

In case you nicked something
off them. Or kidnap them!

Because you're a tea leaf.
Exactly, yeah, because I'm a thief!

So they pulled me to one side
and I'd had a couple of drinks

and I was with my friend
and she knew I was up to something.

She said "You're up to something"

and they had this big bar window -

everyone was watching Charles
come along to meet all the bands -

great bands like Steps,...
Ohh... ..S Club 7...

And just as Prince Charles was
about to shake H's hand from Steps,

I gave him a bit of a flash through
the window. Did you?! Yeah.

There's evidence of this because
there were photographers there...

Sorry, you're going to have to prove
that. My friend had her camera...

A total flash? Or did you have
a bra on? I had a bra on.

It was a nude one.
Oh, no...

Did he react? "That's the girl
who sent me a camel in the post!"

No, I've got a picture of him

because my friend
was next to me going...

Brilliant picture. And she just
got the back of me like this.

How drunk where you? You've got two
drinks in front of you right now.

Actually.... This is apple... How
likely are we going to get a flash?!

It's wine...

It's wine. Then I whack em out.

This is... apple juice
and a Bloody Mary.

Yep...
So it's not happening today.

Did he see you doing that? Of course
he did! I've got the picture...

Oh, HE went like that.
Yeah...

He might just be a huge fan
of H from Steps, we don't know.

Yeah, we don't know what was going
on... He wasn't looking at H.

You look a bit like H from Steps.
Well, thank you very much.

With a fat neck!

If H had mumps!

I literally had Dad's comb-over
just wafting through the air

and he's trying to hammer
what is basically a parachute

into the ground - it goes "Whoo"...

When I was travelling, when
I was on my "gap yahr"... Ohh...

I know, as is obligatory,

I stayed with friends of our family,

but loads of times removed that
you've only met when you were two,

and they were like "Come and stay
with us in Beverly Hills."

I was like "This'll be amazing."

So I got the shuttle bus
from the airport

and they said "When you get there,
just let yourself in

"because it's a nice neighbourhood,
we'll just leave the door open."

So I rocked up and this lovely
Hispanic lady opened the door,

but she didn't speak any English
and she had like a mop in hand.

I was like "Big house -
maybe the housekeeper."

So I'm like "Hi, I'm here to see
Amy and El" and she was like...

So I just pushed past her
and then went inside

and when you're travelling,
you've got zero space -

everything is packed in, when
you open that bag, it explodes -

and they'd said "When you get there,
have a drink, something to eat."

So I opened my bag,
stuff was everywhere

and then made myself a sandwich,
had an apple,

had a cake that I found in the
fridge - not a whole cake, a slice.

I'm not crazy. And...

What kind of cake? It was like
a gateau-y situation. Oh, nice.

Black Forest? No, it didn't have
a fruit element. But it was lovely.

That's just French for cake.

What? For cake? You got gateau?
No, it was a layered one,

it wasn't one... It had a creamy...

It's not the crux of the tale,
but it was a delicious cake.

We're getting really old -
"What was the cake?"

"Tell us about the cake."

And it was 15 years ago, so it could
have been a Black Forest gateau...

Ohh... Before we move on,
what was in the sandwich? Erm...

So I rang them and they were like
"No worries, we'll be right down"

and I was like "Right down?"
This place is massive!

So I waited a while and they didn't
arrive and the phone rang again

and the cleaner's like "You answer
it, I don't know who you are",

and they're like
"Hey, Alice, whereabouts are you?"

and I was like "Look a bit harder,
I'm in the kitchen"

and they were like
"We're in our kitchen"

and I was like
"OK, come out wherever you are!"

and they were like
"OK, well, whereabouts are you?"

and I was like "313 South Roxbury
Drive" and they were like "Oh, cool,

"we're 331
South Roxbury Drive, bye!"

And you know when you're like
"Ohh... OK."

"How do I regurgitate this sandwich,
this cake and this apple?"

"And how do I get out of here?"

So I tried to shove everything
back in my bag, it wouldn't go,

then I was embarrassed because
this lovely Hispanic lady thinks

"Who is this crazy thief that's just
stolen a sandwich and gateau,

"brushed her teeth and gone?"

"But the gall of that girl!"
I know, it's the perfect crime!

So I bundled out of there
and I said to her,

even though she didn't speak
English, "I'll be right back!"

I don't want her to think I'm crazy.
So then I leave

and 6,000 metres up the road,
they're like waving me in

and they got really mad at me

because they said "You can't
let yourself in anywhere."

But I didn't go "I like that one"
and just plough on in!

They told you to go in.

They had to send a muffin basket to
apologise because I'd eaten so much.

Can I just...

What flavour muffin?

But they thought it was because I
was British, I thought that was OK.

Did they know the people at 313331?

At 333445 South Roxbury Drive?

Well, they were like "Oh, we think
we know them - they're French."

I was like
"Oh, does that make it worse?"

Hence the gateau!
Ohh!

I knew there was a French element
to it. No wonder!

What you had was a baguette.
Ohh...

You're right - you asked me what
was in the sandwich, it was Brie!

So the house you moved into,
was it as nice?

No... It must still be quite nice
if it's on the same street...

It was really nice, but I kind of
got comfy there, felt settled

and I made a few pilgrimages back
during my stay.

I was like "I know the door's left
open, I might as well go hang out."

Door left open? Was there no...
Beverly Hills, Jason.

That's what happens, is it?
Yeah, you could rob 'em blind.

Hollywood is the friendliest place
on Earth. I haven't heard that!

So high walls, loads of security,
door open. Yeah.

"Just come on in." Because there's
always that guard with the mop.

She was quite scary, thinking back.

I wonder if she's still alive.
The woman with the mop?

Yeah, that's just an Irish thing.

I didn't scare her that bad!

We're obsessed in stories that
end with "I wonder if she's dead."

My dad's stories always end "..and
he died." It starts really funny

and then "He was hit by a bus"

and you're like
"Oh, gosh, that was a real twist."

We love a bit of death in Ireland.
God, we're obsessed.

You love a funeral.
We love a funeral and the misery

and the "Ohh..." and the "Jesus"
and the millions of sandwiches

and I've been in houses where
the sandwiches were on the coffin

and the drink was there and...
Cut the shit - is there cake?

Yes, but it's home-made.
Ohh...

There wouldn't be a gateau in sight.
What is the world's first wino man?

Is this an actual person?

Well, not really.

This is... Well, it starts
in the Isle of Man,

which is still there, isn't it?
Yeah. Right.

Because Irish people
were sent there on holidays.

That's where you went... Right.
..because it was kind of abroad.

Over the sea. We went on the Isle
Of Man bucket, which was the ship.

It's a terrible place to go,
it's very grey. You don't say. Yeah.

So the beach is all stony,
there's nothing, it's just misery.

And then you have your dad
hammering in a windbreaker,

which is the most miserable thing
to put up on your holidays...

The mallet... Your dad's comb-over's
just wafting through the air

and he's trying to hammer
what is basically a parachute

into the ground -
and it goes "Whoo..."

Did you go on the car ferry?
Oh, yeah, yeah.

So you had the car full of spades
and buckets... And cousins.

Yeah, millions of that.
Loads of you!

So you're people-trafficking,
that's what your saying.

So there was a raffle that night
in a place called Summerland,

which was burnt down,
but I think it's there again.

And it had...
The glamour!

We're in this room, massive tables,
loads of rows of people

and then my mum was like
"Oh, it's the raffle!"

and there was Action Men and dolls
and those ceramic cheaters and stuff

and so everybody was watching
as they were pulling out the tickets

and I had one ticket - I've never
won anything in my life, right,

that's the only thing I ever won -

and anyway he did his usual
"Buff-coloured, whatever..."

and I went "God, it's me!" and
my parents went "Get up, get up!"

and I get up on the stage
and there's a spotlight in my eyes

and I was heading
towards the Action Men

and the MC's going
"Oh, you're going to go to the toys"

and I went "Yeah, yeah",
went over and all I could hear

was my mum and dad and all my
aunties and uncles looking at me,

going "The wine, get the wine!"

And I'm only seven,
going "The Action Men..."

They're going
"The wine, get the wine!"

So I just said to the guy
"The wine?"

and the MC goes "The little boy
has chosen the wine..."

And he gave me a box of wine

and I had to be helped down and
my whole family drank it all night,

knocking back the wine,
going "Well done, you won the wine!"

And then they gave me corks
at the end, all the corks,

and went "You can make
an Action Man with that..."

Glue them all together...

"And he's here with me now,
the little cork guy..."

I could've had an Action Man,
one with eagle eyes - remember him?

Yeah, I remember him. Used to..
Back of his head, wasn't it?

Yeah, you'd move a little thing
and he'd go "Wap-wap-wap..."

Was he attractive to you as a girl?

Was the Action Man look...
Not really, no.

He was quite sort of square-jawed...
Yeah. I used to like the Hulk.

Did you?
Yeah. Before or after?

Both. Both?! Yeah.
You've got issues, haven't you?!

Your bunged up hole -
what's that about?

What's, what's...
Morning.

No, it was my flat's bunged up hole.
I used to live in a flat-share.

Did you?
Yeah...

You said that as if you imagine
as if I still probably do!

We never got on with our landlords
or our neighbours...

Our landlord, he was
a terrible human being

and our neighbours hated us
because of various reasons,

including we shared a porch
and you had to go out of our house,

unlock it and then unlock
the front door and get out

and my flatmate twice managed
to lock himself just in the porch!

Love that!
So he'd go to get the post,

the door would lock behind him
and he'd be stuck in the porch!

What a cretin!

Wait for it, it gets worse. That
does seem like a fire risk, surely?

Yeah, but he was collateral damage.

It was. You've learnt your lesson,
if you lose one housemate.

The other people in the flat hated
us so much that he was once walking,

but behind the people that were
living downstairs up the drive,

they opened the door and slammed it
in his face - they hated us.

And it climaxed
when he... phoned me up

and he said
"I had a bit of an incident,

"I've managed to flood the landing",

which is difficult
because there's no taps...

There's no reason...

And there's the stairs as well,

it's probably
the most difficult room to flood.

The flood had gone into downstairs
and I said "How did you do it?"

and he said
"I fell asleep in the shower."

What? Standing up?
No...

Come on, Denise, we've all done it.

He said "It flooded
because I fell asleep

"and I covered the plug hole
with my arse."

Ah, that's brilliant!

I said "Well,...
how did you fall asleep?"

and he said "I was a bit tired,
so I had a lie down."

What?!

That's almost always
not a good idea.

But all this is quite exhausting,
isn't it? Is it?!

What? Going to a rave?!

You've washed yourself and need
a rest - have you never sat down?

I always think a seat would be nice,
just a little ledge

just to perch on sometimes.

If you're standing up, the water
on your head feels all right,

but if you sit down,
it feels like it's raining...

So you've done it? Yeah, I've sat
in a shower. You've lived a life.

Why have you sat down in the shower?
I can't really remember.

Good question. I think I went
down there to pick something up

and... Stayed down.
Just stayed down.

That is such an old-man story!

"I couldn't get up
for half an hour!"

You should get a little
emergency bell in your shower.

No, it wasn't really a shower,
the shower was in the bath.

Oh, right, so it was a bath?
So I was sitting in the bath

and then I put the shower on...
And it's awful.

Bathing? Sitting in the bath with
the shower on. It splashes too much.

I think it feels like a rainforest.

I overthink things, so when I'm
in a shower, I do the same system.

What is your system?

Well, I'll go for definitely
the inner thighs first.

Inner thigh?
Yeah...

This is also his system
when making love. Yes!

Lather the inner thigh...

I like to lather up my wife.
Oh, God...

She's going "Can you not do this in
the shower? It's giving me a rash."

That's not the lather. I'll go that
way and then here and here...

I keep meaning to mix it up,
but I never do. Change it about.

I'm going to go "I'm going in there
and I'm starting with me hoop."

I've got one of those... Oh, God,
I know it's only for girls, but...

Right... A vagina.
..they're really good...

Alan,... you've... Mate...

You've got to get your hands on one.

I would describe it
as a game-changer.

Yeah... I would, yeah.
I don't doubt that for a moment.

Erm, no, I've got one of those...
You know those netting balls...

What is it called, those froofy...
For exfoliating?

They're brilliant.
A pooffer.

You know the round thing
that you hang up in the shop...

It's got lots of loops...
I know what you mean.

I tell you what,
never have I had a cleaner vagina.

And her nipples popped,
so it's like a plung-and-pop motion.

- So like a bungee with the boobs?
- Yeah. Pah...

My best friend's dad
has written a porno.

Wow!

When you say "porno", do you mean
a porno... A script for a film?

An erotic novel.
A novel!

He read, as he calls it,
50 Colours Of Grey

and thought he could do better

and he's retired now
so he thought "What the heck."

This is recent?

Oh, it's just been...
self-published obviously.

There's a lot of self-publishing
over porn, isn't there?

Is that what it's called now?!

"Did you enjoy it?
"I'd self-publish over that!"

His pen name is probably
my favourite thing.

Go on.
His pseudonym is Rocky Flintstone.

Oh, yeah!

You get it from your favourite film
and favourite cartoon character.

So it's called Belinda Blinked,
the novel, it's hopefully one of 25.

CHUCKLING
Ooh...

Haven't even read it yet
and everyone's like "Ambitious."

Have you read it? I have read
the first three chapters

and it is gold.

One of my favourite quotes from it
is Belinda, the protagonist,

she sells pots and pans,
which immediately is sexy anyway...

She sells pots and pans?
To major European distributors.

Oh, I know where this is going.
Exactly. Say no more.

Do you? "You can't pay
for your pots and pans?"

Does she put her boobs
into the pots?

Well, this is the creepy bit
because I know my friend's dad,

so now I know he's a boob man
from reading the book -

nipples get a lot of attention.

At one point, her black brassiere
is removed in one swift motion,

like...
Like a tablecloth?

Skills. Skills.
Skills.

She's still got two drinks on them.
Do you appreciate that? Yeah.

What, brassiere? I like a man
who can do that. Skills.

Is that a thing women like?
Yeah, I love that.

You love to get your bra ripped off?
Yeah. With one hand.

Is that not an attack?
Consensually, Jason. Ohh...

Not by a random passer-by.

So if you're walking along
and a guy went... that would be bad?

No, that's bad. Even though
you did that to Prince Charles.

I'd just be snapping you by
accident... That's why it's skills.

It's skills. I thought
Belinda Blinked was a fiction,

but maybe it's based
on Denise's life.

When does she blink?
That's not a surname, surely?

No, she's Belinda Blumenthal.
No, she blinks.

She blinks a lot. In
the first chapter... Don't we all?

..she nods and blinks a lot
and then...

Spoiler alert, sorry.

And, at one point,
she's very excited

and "a runnel of liquid
trickles down her lower left thigh."

A runnel!

That's not even a word, is it?
I believe it is.

Is it a bit Northern, a runnel?

It's not Southern.
It's definitely not Southern.

Where it went was southern.

And then when the black brassiere -
"brassiere"'s sexier than "bra" -

when it's removed, Belinda's breasts
"plunged to freedom".

I don't know if that's a good thing.

Like two divers.

And her nipples popped, so
it's like a plunge-and-pop motion.

- So like a bungee with the boobs.
- Yeah - pah!

I kind of think no woman wants
anything to plummet, I don't think.

That's never good. "Plunged
to freedom". How old is she?

We're not sure about this.
Erm, she's got a good body -

she says so herself in chapter two.

When she's attached to the trellis
in chapter three, she's quite lithe,

so I can't be sure.
You mean like a garden fence?

Yeah, like a home-made garden fence.
How was she attached?

Yeah, there's all kind of
sexy things... A bit of twine!

Is that a thing?!
She gets her foot caught!

"Oh, yeah! I'm stuck in the roses!"

That's actually not a sexy trap...
"And I can't get my bra off."

"And I've got
all these pots and pans."

"Ooh, there go my breasts!"

"Ahhhh..."

Erm, yeah.
What does your friend think of it?

Because her dad...
He's surprisingly OK with it.

There are some bits that are
obviously a bit too illuminating...

There's some bits which make me
think he's never seen a naked woman

and he did say "Maybe my dad should
spend more time with my mum"!

My favourite bit is that the first
chapter is called "The Interview",

so it's just her being interviewed
for a sales-director position.

Oh, hello. Oh, my God, I'm off!

No, seriously, I think he forgets
he's writing a sexy novel

because midway through he's like
"The perks for travel were great,

"it was £85,000 a year
plus all the other bonuses..."

It's like "No, no, she's supposed
to be stripping and stuff..."

But don't you need to kind of
up the tension.

Yeah, that's upping the tension -
what, your salary?

Well, chapter two's called
"The Leather Room".

When does the sex come in?

There's a lot of nipple action,
a lot of stuff is done deftly.

It's always like "They deftly
did this", "They deftly did that"

and there's a confusing bit where
Belinda is in a sexy scenario

and this is what makes me think

we should give Rocky
a birds-and-the-bees book

because, during this sexy scenario
someone grabs her... dot-dot-dot.

Now, what would be a thing? A boob?
Or like a bum?

Labia.
Worse.

Cervix.
Her cervix? Cervix?!

That's internal.
Ahh!

He grabs her cervix?!
Cervix...

Has the cervix been plunging
as well? It's like that, isn't it?

- Isn't that quite far up?
- You've got to go looking for that.

Yeah! Do you think
he's run out of terminology

and he's just using a thesaurus app?
Yes, I totally do!

I think he's better off
turning her inside out.

I also like "grab" - you don't want
to grab it! Grab her cervix?!

Leave the cervix alone!
"He grabbed her Fallopian tubes..."

It's like the cervix is going to
just move around. Deftly.

There's nothing deft
about grabbing a cervix. Oh, gosh.

Have you corrected him?
Well, I love the cervix line...

I'd leave it.
Leave it. Just make it the title.

Do you think? By Rocky Flintstone.

"He Grabbed Her Cervix".
Does he know what a cervix is?

He doesn't. Who does? Do you think
he meant something lower down?

Yeah, I think so.
Or higher up.

Higher up?! He'd kill her!

Not internally! I wish I hadn't
done that when I said that!

I love that none of us know. We're
all like "It's here, isn't it?"

"I think it's a small part
of the brain." Erm...

There's various contexts

that he could've thought
it was something different.

Yeah...
Like an item of clothing?

Like a bolero?
He might've thought... vest?

Cervex? Vest?
Yep.

Oh, "He grabbed her vest" makes
a lot more sense actually, yeah.

Do you think it's just a typo?

Potentially!
Is it autocorrect?

"Every time I try and put "vest" in,
"cervix" comes up."

"He was really cold,
so he put on a cervix." Ohhh!

"Autocorrect!"

I've not read Fifty Shades of Grey.
Presumably... Fifty Colours Of Grey.

Fifty Colours Of Grey, sorry, yeah.

Presumably there's like...
It's not all sex, is it?

There must be bits...
The movie, I didn't see it...

There's hardly any sex in there.
Yeah, and the women went mental.

You said that in a really angry way.
I was really disappointed.

Eight quid she spent on that!

My wife went with 20 other women
and they brought prosecco and stuff.

"We're going to get wrecked and
watch all the dirty, filthy shit!"

And then they came home -
"There was nothing in it!"

Not a cervix in sight!

And if you mentioned watching it,
she'd go "You're a pervert."

"Were you just waiting for sex?"
"That's what YOU were waiting for."

But there was nothing in it, no?
Not really, just at the end.

Just a bit of tit. Any belting?
Is that what he does?

Yeah, there's a bit of whipping...

Denise doesn't count that. She's
like "Yeah, a bit of whipping..."

That's not really sex, is it?
There was no pounding.

Do you mean, what, into the bed?

If you want whipping -
12 Years A Slave.

Plenty of that in that! Oh, my God.

Where have you got wellie scars?

This isn't a whipping story.

Good link.
Speaking of whipping...

Erm, on my cervix.
Have you really?

Can you grab that for me?

I, erm... When I was
about eight or nine,

for Comic Relief,

me and my best friend Thomas
decided to do a sponsored walk.

Right.
Yep, er...

But, you know, you want to give it
a quirky twist, don't you? OK.

So we decided

we'd walk the three miles to our
nearest market town - Bovey Tracey -

wearing Wellington boots
full of custard.

Oh, custard. I was going to say,
was it baked beans?

Josh grew up in a very small place.
I did.

How many people in your school?
In my year, there was four.

No way!
Yeah.

What? And where is this?

In the middle of Dartmoor...

So when two of them go off
in custard-filled boots,

half the school's gone missing!

Half the school's gone!
Oh, that's brilliant!

Who did the custard?
Well, this was the problem. OK.

we raised money, we got
sponsorship... From the other two!

We were thinking "Some African kids
are getting 50p coming their way!"

You should've sent them the custard.
Well, yeah.

The problem was
my mum prepared the custard... OK.

..and she didn't think

that when preparing the custard
for the Wellington boots,

we might want it
at a lower temperature...

Oh, my God, no way!
Mrs Widdicombe!

Straight off the pan and...
Yeah, straight in the boots.

Your mum's not Ann Widdecombe,
is she?

No, but Ann Widdecombe has moved
to the same village. Oh, weird.

You'll have to change your name.

She's changed her house name
to Widdecombe's Retreat,

which has gone down like
a lead balloon with my parents.

Were you wearing the boots
when she poured the custard in?

No, the custard went in and
obviously suspicions were aroused

when the steam... Have you ever had
your Wellington boots steaming?

No, but I don't think I'd put
my foot into a steaming boot.

Mind you, you were nine. You can't
blame your mum. If there's steam

and you're just like... I think
she's getting a rough ride here.

Do you think?!

What, burning her own son's shins?

Did you get one in... Shins? Didn't
you stop when your foot burnt?

There's a kind of suction created...

You couldn't get it off!
Yeah...

That's the trouble with wellies.
Have you been stung by a jellyfish?

Yes. Did she put one of those
in your boot too?

That was the next Red Nose Day.
She's a crazy cat!

And I learnt a valuable lesson -

never raise money for charity.

When where you stung by a jellyfish?

Erm, on holiday in Dubai.

Whoa. On one of their
sanitised swimming pools?

Faux beaches...
It's really painful.

Did anybody wee on you?
A lot of people pissed over me.

I wonder how true that is.
Were you in the sea?

I was. It was only a small one,
but it does really hurt.

Was it a wrappy-round
tentacly thing? Yeah.

A man o' war? They're horrible.
They've got a lot of them there.

There's a balloon chap that
floats along - he's the man o' war

and he has really long tentacles.
Did you see the one that got you?

Well, I suspected one of them.
Was it purple?

Would you recognise it? No, they all
look the same. Did you get revenge?

No, I just got people pissed on me.
Did they really wee on you?

Was it your friends or did you
go along the beach like "Come on..."

Everyone just flocked towards me...
They can't wait, can they?

"Yes, another one!"
No, but that doesn't work.

Imagine if someone got it wrong and
had a shit on you. That would work.

That would take your mind off it!

Someone just running in,
going "I know what to do!" Plop!

"That's not what to do!" But
surely weeing is not good either.

No, it doesn't work.
A little bit of Sudocrem...

Have you been stung by anything?
Yes, I trod on a bee once.

Yeah, bees are bad. And it stung me.
And it really hurt a lot.

Bees don't mean to sting you... You
know you've killed it, you feel bad.

My brother said "Doesn't hurt that
much." I'm like "How do you know?"

"You tread on one!" My first memory
is being stung by a bee.

It's your mother again.

"Joshey!" In your boots!
The old bee in the nappy!

"Aghh! Aghh!"

"Pop your boots on,
it's Comic Relief."

Worst Comic Relief ever!

He comes out and he goes
"Just forget it!"

"Just get your bag and run!", right?

Denise. Yes.
I need to know about your height...

I'm five foot six.
..and how it's not held you back

or how you don't let it hold you
back. Well, when I was younger,

I auditioned for Les Miserables,
you know, the musical. I do.

It had just opened in the West End
and I auditioned for the first cast

and got close to getting the part
of the girl - the one on the poster.

And ny friend got the part, so
when I went back to audition again,

I knew I was too tall
to play the part -

they measured you and you had to be
a certain height for the costume...

OK... ..and to look cute...
Did you do the shoes on the knees?

No, I actually went out and...

I should've done that!
But I went out and I bought a dress

from - I was probably
about 10 or 11 at the time -

I bought a dress from Laura Ashley
and it was floor length.

So I decided I'd do my audition
with my knees bent,

so I...
Oh, my God.

So I did the whole audition with
my knees bent in this long dress,

got the part.
So your legs were hidden...

I literally walked in, bent down
like this... Were you in pain?

No, I wasn't. Because it's quite
a tough hold. But I got the part.

You got the part? Yeah, and my mum
said "What are you going to do?"

"You'll be too tall, the costume's
going to be really short on you",

but once I was signed, I thought
"Well, they can't sack me,

"once I've signed the contract."

So did they sack you? No, they
couldn't, I'd signed my contract.

So you were in Les Mis?
I just said I'd had a growth spurt!

Over the weekend.
Overnight!

Striding around the stage,
towering over the peasants.

"Look at the poor little girl."
"Hello!"

"Thank you, thank you." So I was in
the second cast of Les Miserables.

Aand how long were you in it for?
I did it for about five months.

And I carried on growing.

I'm jealous you got to do the main
part, I never got the main part.

I thought of myself as a bit
"Amdrammy", school plays and stuff,

always got the narrator because
I could read but was rubbish.

Because you could read?
Yeah, it was like Josh's school.

What school was this? There was
only two of us... "Alice, read!"

Everyone else is like
"Oh, she can read!"

I was about to brag
that I got the main part,

then I realised it wasn't difficult
to get the main part at my school!

I can totally beat that.

I was a tree in
Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs.

What? A tree?

I never got the main part, I was
this weird kid with huge glasses

and they went "You're going to be
a tree, you're the forest."

I was a forest on my own.

This is true.
It's so high-concept.

Snow White gets lost
and I had to follow her around.

I was wrapped in brown cardboard
with glasses and I was...

I was holding two branches...

..and I was just
shuffling behind her

and then I was a flag
in The Pirates Of Penzance.

That's a much-coveted role.
How old were you?

I was about, I don't know.... 17?
I was about seven as a tree.

I was nine as a flag.
What did you do as a flag?

A tree I can get, but
you just get a flag in, don't you?

I was the front of the ship.

Now, Jason, Croke Park in Dublin.
Oh, yeah...

Croke Park is a huge
sports arena, right? Is it?

About 86,000.
Massive.

I was asked to do a corporate gig

and we all know that corporate gigs
can be a nightmare, in all areas.

And I went and I always ask
"OK, is it like a dinner situation?"

and the girl went "Yeah, there's
tables and there's chairs." Fine.

I went "Is it in a function room?"
"Yeah, it's in a function room."

"And they'll all be seated and
stuff?" "Yeah." "OK, grand. Right."

So I arrive into this area

and I opened the door literally
to "Ahh-ahh-ahh!"

and there must have been
2,000 people in this massive room.

There was a big row of bars where
free drink was being given out.

I don't know what this function was.

- They were like lamming it back...
- Can you find out? I'd like to go.

So I'm going "Where's the stage?"

and the woman organising it goes
"Just through that group of people"

and I find the stage,

there's nobody stopping, no chairs,
nothing, there's nobody listening.

I get up there and there's a DJ on
the stage and I go "Hi, I'm Jason"

and he turns round to me
and goes "They're bastards..."

"They're bastards, Jason!
They're not listening to anything!"

And I went "Sorry, what?"
"They're just walking around

"and they're just drinking,
I've been trying my best!"

And I went "I've got to do a gig"
and he goes "I know, just hang on."

And he turns the music down
and he gets the mike

and goes "Excuse me, will somebody
listen to me for a second?!"

There's people crisscrossing each
other with pints going "Ahh-ahh!"

and he goes "Somebody listen!"

and then he goes
"I don't give a shit any more!"

"Ladies and gentlemen, Jason Byrne!"

And I come out to no claps
because they can't hear it,

I'm trying to get a group
of people to watch me, right?

Eventually about 15 people walk by,
going "Oh, what's that bloke doing?"

and they stand there and
I'm trying to do a bit of stand-up.

There's mayhem in the background
and these guys are staring at me.

There's a guy with a pint
and he just looks at me

and, as I'm talking, he goes
"Jason? Jason?" And I go "What?"

and he goes "You should have
more respect for yourself."

And I went...

I couldn't believe it
and I went "What do you mean?"

He goes "This lot are bastards!"

"They're not even listening to you,
you should walk off. Feck them!"

So I thought if I didn't do
my 20 minutes, I wouldn't get paid,

so I kept going and
I got into about eight minutes.

The next minute,
the DJ starts playing music.

He comes out
and he goes "Just forget it!"

"Just get your bag and run!" Right?

Oh, my God! "Get your bag and run"!

And I just left through the audience

and I've seen him just
playing his music, just going...

Oh, my God.
.."They won't listen, the bastards!"

I'm sure you've done
some evil corporate gigs.

I mean, they're awful, aren't they?
Yeah, I've had some horror shows.

But... Like, at Christmas,
there should be a band there

because they're all at the drink and
they go "A comedian? Oh, my God..."

No-one wants a comedian at these
things. No, they just want to dance.

Who's the toughest crowd...

Harper Adams University
can go fuck themselves.

Touche!
I think that might be...

We're coming to that point
in the evening

where we need to come up with
a title for the show. Oh, my God.

And I'm struggling to get beyond

"Harper Adams University
can go fuck themselves"!

Oh, please call it that! Please
call it that! That would be great.

It's got to be something
about a cervix in the title. Yep.

"And then he deftly
grabbed my cervix"? That's strong.

Not the cervix, the name.
Or Ricky Flintstone...

Rocky Flintstone.
What was that cervix...

"Everyone pissed on Denise
van Outen" - that's quite...

That's already been done.

If you called it that, the viewing
figures will be astronomical.

"Next on Dave, 'Everyone
pisses on Denise van Outen'"...

"Yeah, I'll stick with this."

I quite like "The custard
in my boots" - that was strong.

What was the exact cervix quote?
Erm...

It probably was along the lines of
"He deftly grabbed her cervix."

How about calling it QI?

You know, you'll get more figures.
Call it...

We'll just call it Dad's Army.

Only Fools And Horses!

"This is the weirdest episode
of EastEnders I've ever watched."

Anyway, listen, please will you
thank my guests, Alice Levine,

Jason Byrne,

Denise van Outen,...
Thank you.

..Josh Widdicombe.

I'm Alan Davies

and you have been watching "And Then
He Deftly Grabbed My Cervix".

Subtitles by Ericsson