Alan Davies: As Yet Untitled (2014–…): Season 3, Episode 6 - Salmon Mousse and Bullshit - full transcript
Alan is joined by Reverend Richard Coles, Jo Joyner, Joe Lycett and Jason Manford for a special Christmassy edition. As usual, discussions range from the seasonally surreal to festively fantastical, including northern curried alternatives to Christmas dinner, midnight meetings in knickers, nativity upgrades and advice on yuletide stains.
I'm in London, London.
London, where gravity
doesn't even apply...
I've got two dogs, two pugs.
I'm known as Two Pugs on the estate.
I'm Bob Mortimer.
What a dirty, dirty town.
Love Alan Davies, I love chatting,
so nothing can go wrong.
Let's get this show on the road.
My bag.
APPLAUSE
Hello, I'm Alan Davies
and this is As Yet Untitled,
the show that is completely
unscripted, unprepared
and unplanned. And tonight I'll be
joined by four very funny people
and during the course
of our conversation
we shall come upon a title for the
show. That's our ambition, anyway.
So please will you welcome my guests.
CHEERING
Here they are, welcome.
Welcome all, lets see who we have.
We have Miles Jupp. Miles Jupp is
not in Sherlock Holmes the movie.
Well done, Miles!
LAUGHING: Congratulations!
Russell Kane is here. Russell Kane
is very free when doing weights.
Russell Kane.
Very nice to have Bob Mortimer again
on the show. Bob Mortimer is
the cockroach king and is popular
amongst other celebrities.
And Lucy Montgomery, welcome to Lucy.
Thank you. Lucy is famous amongst
paramedics and likes Iranian fruit,
but not that much.
That sounds...that does sound like a
euphemism, doesn't it? Iranian fruit.
Mm, yeah.
Sounds like it could be anything.
Maybe we won't get into
that straight away.
If you want we can, it's your show.
Is it actually fruit?
Um, well, what happened was...
It's a euphemism, I knew it was. Oh!
I was on holiday in Iran...
Were you? ..as you do.
Classic holiday destination.
Yeah, of course!
Was it 18 to 30s?
Thomsons, yeah. Thomsons, yeah.
Wey! Pissed every night
with all me mates.
The Sambuca! The Sambuca is
quality in Iran, it really is.
Been to Syria on holiday too,
not lately, but a few years ago.
Seriously you have actually
been to all these...?
Yeah, this was in the '90s.
I thought I'd try something
a bit different,
branch out, get a bit adventurous.
But in the '90s you must have
been about 14.
Sadly no. No, I was about 21, 22,
etc. So you.. 23, 24, 25...
Sort of out of university. Yeah,
thought... Go to some war zones?
..go somewhere exciting.
It wasn't a war zone at the time,
you see, and I was...
I went with my friend. We wanted
to be independent lady travellers,
and we thought, this is all right,
so we have to wear a hijab,
that's absolutely fine.
But we were laughed at by the
Iranians who just...
One bloke did say,
"Why are you dressed like
an Islamic fundamentalist?"
Because the women, they showed
their hair, they had make-up on,
and we were like that. But they
told us to wear a wedding ring,
because everyone... Even
the woman at British Airways
when we went to get the flight went,
"What are you going there for?"
We're like, "Thanks very much,
be open-minded, people!"
And it was a lovely place.
Go there on holiday, OK?
Maybe not... Did you go straight
from London to Tehran? Yeah.
And then I was offered
the aforementioned fruit.
A man...a man knocked on my hotel
room and came with a lovely,
lovely bowl of fruit and said,
in exchange for the fruit
if I could offer him
something else, my fruit.
Something fruity. My grapes,
my pomegranate, my...
Your passion fruit.
My passion fruit. Ah, very good!
For his banana, I see. Exactly.
And yeah, I thought
about it for a minute.
It was a really nice
bowl of fruit. I suppose
if you're going to be weighed up
in your worth in fruit, that was...
What about the chat? Was it...
He was kind of... Tempting?
..kind of small. A small fella?
Small and hairy and,
you know, not my...
Like a kiwi, like a kiwi.
A kiwi, yeah.
He sounds all right.
He was OK, but, yeah,
I was a bit scared.
Small and hairy, not my type.
That's a T-shirt.
So this is completely unsolicited,
he's just knocked
on your hotel room door?
Yeah, I think he worked in the hotel
and seen these two beautiful
Islamic fundamentalist
women and thought,
I will have a bit of that.
If you had scurvy at the time,
do you think the story
would have a different ending?
Yeah, I would definitely have gone
for it. I would've gone for it.
I do need some fruit, actually,
yeah. Yeah.
Maybe that IS the ending,
we haven't heard. Sorry, go on.
No, I turned him down. We didn't
have a night of love amongst
the pomegranate, sadly.
What were the fruits?
Well, some grapes,
and pomegranates are Iranian fruit.
There were some apples, pears...
Nice. The usual. OK.
Yeah, what fruit do you think
I would be worth?
A pineapple, I'd have thought.
There was no pineapple. A kumquat.
A kumquat, yeah.
The smallest fruit
you could think of.
Oh, I was just thinking in terms
of flavour, not kind of...
I'm not a fruit scientist.
I only ask because
you were specific about
"I don't like Iranian fruit".
I wondered if...
No, no, no, it wasn't...
I mean, any country.
You're not fruit racist or anything.
No, I'm not a fruit racist. Phew!
Yeah, we rang front desk and said,
"The man with the fruit came.
"We don't appreciate it."
Nothing was done.
Oh, really, you reported him?
Yeah, because he could
be offering his fruit
to all sorts of women in the...
And did you stay in Tehran or did
you go around the rest of Iran?
Yeah, went around, Shiraz, Isfahan,
don't know if you know them?
Bam, anyone? Anyone been
to Bam on holiday? No?
There's been an earthquake,
it's all been destroyed. It's fine.
Really, somewhere
called Bam exploded?
Yeah, I'd recommend it.
That's a scary place to go.
My mum looks for wherever is
war-torn, then goes there.
So whenever Egypt gets more trouble,
she goes back to Sharm. Cos it'll
be cheap. The prices crash. Yeah.
She goes on easyJet. She calls it
chavvy business class
where you get three sideways
and put your legs up
and create like
virtual business class.
She goes, "The flight was empty".
I'm like, "I'm not surprised,
the capital is exploding."
She hunts for bargains based on
where is near war.
like whatever happened. She could
be taken hostage and appear
in an orange jumpsuit going, "I'm
fully insured, they can't touch me."
Unbelievable.
Is she quite a character, your mum?
She just loves a bargain.
Do you think you're funny
cos your mum's funny?
Um, I think I've got my mum's
energy. She's like a Peperami stick
with a perm, my mum. She's like...
She's got loads of energy.
My mum's one of those people that if
you phone, she's doing another job.
I can hear the dishwasher being
stacked with the phone
under her ear. She can't sit down
and have a conversation.
It might be an Essex thing.
My mother-in-law's like that,
constantly cleaning.
She'd be cleaning this now.
She's a bit crazy.
Has your mum got
dishwasher insurance as well?
Yeah, "I'm fully insured, love,
don't worry, nothing can happen."
She sounds like a worrier,
maybe that is...
You know, like maybe insurance
is very much part of her life.
Oh, yeah, yeah, sure.
I never get insurance.
But you can't really over-insure
your white goods. Yeah.
Have you ever claimed?
For a white good damage? Yeah.
I'm trying to think now.
Has anyone ever?
You were the voice of insurance,
weren't you? Oh, yes...
CHURCHILL INSURANCE DOG VOICE:
Oh, yes. Churchill?
Good point, Lucy. Yeah.
That's not the most ringing
endorsement, is it?
"I wouldn't have the stuff."
I was asked to be
the mouse in the Direct Line ad.
Did you not do it?
The computer mouse. Right.
And Stephen Fry was asked
to be the phone. Typical.
I was going to be the mouse,
he was going to be the voice
of the phone. They said, "We're going
to pay you this amount of money."
I thought, "That's quite a lot of
money, I bet Stephen won't do that,
it's absurd.
"We're going to make idiots of
ourselves, there's no way Stephen
will do it."
I said, "This is a non-starter.
Forget the whole thing."
I turned the TV on the following week
and Paul Merton was the mouse.
Oh, no. You were replaced by Paul.
And Stephen was the phone anyway.
I'm such an idiot, I'm so...
Have you ever done an advert, Alan?
I can't think of.
Years ago I did adverts
for the Abbey National.
Oh, yeah. Yeah. ..which used to
be a bank, it was a long campaign
and at the end they changed the name
of the bank cos it was a disaster.
And they paid me
quite a lot of money,
and then I had consequently a very
high tax bill and I wrote a cheque,
an Abbey National cheque
to the taxman,
and the bank bounced it.
And I had to phone them up and say,
"What are you doing?
"I'm the bloke off the thing,
"do you know how embarrassing
this is for me,
"to have to ring the bank?"
When I first met Bob he'd just been
doing some modelling forM&S.
That's right, I had, hadn't I?
Yep, yep. He was awash
with M&S vouchers.
He couldn't get rid. Were you paid
exclusively in M&S vouchers?
That's right, yeah.
"Have some M&S vouchers,"
everyone was like, "Yes, please!"
But I did, Lucy, I had them in my
top pocket. Always flashing them.
"You look a bit down, have an M&S."
It was like...
Have you got any in there now?
No, but it's true, innit? I've still
got some in me drawer, but like...
We did some modelling for M&S
and I won't name the person,
but one of the people involved
in it had a much better agent
than the other one and said,
"Yes, we'll take that fee
"but we want 20 grand
of M&S vouchers as well."
And it was one of those days
where everyone has to get the same
so I ended up with...like,
this pile of M&S vouchers.
Fabulous things.
I was like the king, wasn't I, then?
Were they stuffed under your bed?
I do remember that.
And you took them.
Of course!
BOB LAUGHS
I've got
so many pairs of grey shoes...
..from that period, different sizes.
I don't know what size I am.
I've got vouchers.
If they're too big, just stuff
the ends with vouchers.
With vouchers, yeah!
With the force of each extension,
you know those little trolls
you used to buy on
holiday with the eyes?
I was like that.
So Bob, tell me
about being the Cockroach King.
Yeah, I was the Cockroach King,
and it's official.
It was on the cover
of the South London Press,
which if you live in south London
is a pretty big deal. Yes.
A pretty big deal, yeah?
Big paper. You live there?
It is, yeah, I live there, yeah.
The Cockroach King like that.
One of those awkward shots coming
out of a court, cos I was
a solicitor at the time,
and my speciality was housing law
and I used to sue Southwark Council
for having cockroach infestations
in their tower blocks, cos they were
all built on landfills
and so the cockroaches live
in the concrete in the very, like...
you know, like, structure.
In the actual building itself?
Yeah, cos they can dine on concrete,
you know.
They can survive only on concrete,
it gives them nourishment.
There is tiny... Sorry, you don't
want to get into the science...
How tough is a cockroach?
"I fucking eat concrete, mate,
and I'll still survive.
That's dinner to me."
Because it was a
Public Health Act matter.
I was the king, though,
because I used this slightly old,
this 1948 Public Health Act
to sue the council,
saying it was unfit
for human habitation,
so they'd have to move the people
who lived with the cockroaches.
But it hadn't been used before
so the king, you know,
that hyperbole came because we won,
and of course the consequences of it
were massive because if
a whole block's infested,
that's, I don't know,
900 families or whatever, they all
instantly really have got the
right or whatever to be given
a new house, so yeah.
We had to always put in
an expert's report.
We used to get this fellow
from Cambridge.
I think he was called Professor
Downlight, something like that.
No, honestly, and he'd come in.
You always knew,
whenever I got a new client,
you'd go into the house
you'd smell the
cockroach infestation... Urgh...
..before you see it.
It smells like really
weak Bovril, you know? Yeah.
Like a slightly meaty...
And they go, they'd go to...
The audience are making noises.
Shall I drop this story and...
No! It's fascinating, please.
So they're attracted to warmth,
so you'll mainly find them behind
the cooker, behind the fridge,
where it's warm behind the fridge,
and inside the concrete
where the pipes are and so on,
and the saddest one,
the most awful one was,
they like to sleep under...
under babies, and children
and that's where
you'll mainly find them.
But Doctor Downlight,
Professor Downlight, he could go in
and he was absolutely honest,
he could go in, look around,
look at the walls, whatever,
and say "Here". No way. "Here."
He's a cockroach whisperer! Yep.
Take his case out, gouge this thing
out, you screw this thing
like that, then you'd pull out
the concrete and they'd just fuck...
Oh! ..they'd just spill out.
"There we have it!
"There we have the infestation.
Yes! This one's go!"
INAUDIBLE
Downlight didn't give a fuck,
he did it without his trousers on,
you know, wild haircut.
He used to touch the lasses up,
but he was the man.
Do you mean the lady cockroaches?
"Dirty cow, she loves it!"
Cos what they do is,
what the council do is
put these pellets down,
anyone who's infested,
they put these pellets down
and the theory is, is they make
the male cockroaches impotent.
They alter their genetics
or something like that.
You what? they make them what?
They make them impotent.
What, like a reverse Viagra
sort of thing?
Yeah, they won't breed, so that's
the way to get rid of them.
How'd they do that? It's a science
thing, I have no idea. But it
doesn't really work.
All it seemed to do was... When they
start meddling with people's brains
and stuff, it just seemed
to give them ADHD and that
and you just got
more mental cockroaches.
Everyone who we gave
the pellets to would say,
"Since the pellets,
they've gone mental."
Do you know, they'll peep
out of drawers, "Wey-hey!"
Or whatever, or peel back
a fried egg and go, "Aaah!"
"Still here!"
My sex life's ruined. All
I've got is hide-and-seek now.
Cos the thing was, the truth is,
that there's nothing
you can do about them.
Are you still known as the
Cockroach King? If you go drinking
in south London now in the pubs,
"Hey, it's the Cockroach King!"
No, but I'll see cockroaches
scuttling out of the pub.
Did they pull those tower
blocks down eventually?
The North Peckham estate's gone now,
yeah, but they'll never get rid
of them. They're under...
They're in the world...the world?
Is that the right thing to say?
That's as deep as you can go, isn't
it? Into the world. The world...
I can't stop it now,
it's in the world.
The world's infested.
I dropped it, it's in the world.
Oh, God someone's... Shit!
The world's got a cockroach now,
it's just a nightmare.
I'm going to say to my kids now
when they drop something.
I normally say, "Don't pick that up,
that's for the birds now."
You know, if they drop their biscuit,
"That's for the birds now."
Now I'll say,
"That's gone into the world."
That's everyone's now,
you've made that communal.
I was at the Adelaide Festival
and I was the opening act
and Jimeoin was the headline act,
so while Jimeoin was on we had
to sit in the dressing room, we
couldn't leave, and the cockroaches
would come out. If you sat still
long enough, they'd come out.
If you moved about, they wouldn't.
What did they look like, Alan?
This size and brown. Yeah.
And all the refreshments were
served in plastic cups, you know,
so you'd finish your drink
and then you'd put it on a cockroach
and then it would just
rattle around inside
and move the cup around the floor
and you got used to it after a while.
Quite fun.
It was quite entertaining,
cos it was like cockroach dodgems,
but you'd just be completely used
to sitting chatting with three
or four of these cups rattling.
You could race them, couldn't you?
Like a sort of like a duck
put your name on the cup
and then put it over cockroach or
whatever. You're just basically
giving them a sort of chassis.
What they said to us,
they said, "Don't tread on them,"
and then they didn't
really explain...
There's so many things in Australia
you're frightened of. Mm.
You're frightened to go to the toilet
cos there's supposed to be
a murderous spider under there.
They said, "Don't tread on them mate,
just don't... Oh, look,
just leave them."
Maybe... I imagine loads of babies
would come scuttling out.
Or it would split into two
like the Sorcerer's Apprentice.
It would go under your skin
like in The Mummy.
Do you remember that bit? No.
Omid Djalili with the cockroach
under his face? Just me, OK.
That was a dream you had.
It was a dream, a happy dream.
They scared me with the drop bears
thing when I was first in Australia
as well, that's what
they'd tell all the newbies,
all the Brits that come over,
that some koalas get so stoned
on the eucalyptus
that they fall out of the tree and
they go like, "Raa!"
They say, "When you're walking along
watch out for the drop bears,
we've lost a few tourists."
I was shitting myself for about
two weeks that these killer bears
were going to drop out ofthe tree.
It was complete nonsense.
It's complete nonsense, innit? Yeah.
Tell me about being free with
weights. What does that mean?
Er, like a lot of people,
I enjoyed primary school
and I enjoyed university,
but I hated secondary school.
11 to 16, a miserable time
for a lot of people.
I wasn't in the total nerdy league.
I was like the one league above,
do you know what I mean,
that just scraped through.
I was in the Dungeons and Dragons
club and stuff like that.
So I left school without
even kissing a girl,
basically. I was one of those.
You were at an Essex
comprehensive school?
No, I grew up in... That part
of my childhood was in Enfield
which is just over the boarder.
Yeah.
So yeah, so no girlfriend, but in
my world, I was a powerful wizard,
so swings and roundabouts.
You wouldn't mess with me
if I was holding a 20-sided
dice, Bob, but anyway...
So when you're a young man
of a certain type at school,
I imagine it's the same for like
most people that were funny
at school, the only way you can
get attention is to mess around
if you're not particularly
in the good-looking or sporty gang.
So the only way I could
get girls' attention
was to be funny, and there was
one intersection where I thought
the sort of the physical had
united with the humour.
Our gym was down where the
sort of basketball court was.
So you could walk around the top
if you weren't having gym class
and you could peer down back
into the gym, which was the worst.
When you get to sort of 14, 15,
you're allowed to start using
weights and stuff like that.
And we were having a weights class
and I would sometimes mess around
with people at the top
and clown about and get girls'
attention that way.
I was doing this exercise,
it's called a tricep extension,
which I'm sure you all know, it's
where you have the weight like that
and you have to stretch the tricep
doing that, and I was sat astride
the bench, you know these little
shorts you used to wear at school.
I was doing that and the girls
were all pointing and laughing
and I thought, not only
am I impressing them with
my physical prowess
and I'm the centre of attention for
being funny, which is all sort of
budding comics,
but do you know what they
were actually laughing at?
With the force of the tricep
extension on my puny body,
my balls had popped out
the side of my shorts.
Not only that, but with the force
of each extension...
You know those little trolls you
used to buy on holiday
with the eyes...
I was like that.
I was so traumatised.
So it was popping out
and going back in again? Yeah.
Like when you squeeze a frog. Yeah.
It just represented
the end of any possibility
of getting off with a girl, as
we would have said before I was...
Did it make your bollocks
bigger, though?
Nor my triceps, no. Nothing?
Funnily enough, though, my forearms
bulked up in those years, so...
..that's loneliness for you.
I had a friend, we went on holiday
to Majorca, so... I know, so boring.
And he saw a girl
he liked the look of so he went
and quite cockily, really, put
his foot up on the seat. Oh, no...
She was sitting down chatting
and she seemed distracted
and kept nudging her friend
and in the end...
He was very good looking, this guy.
He was quite used to people enjoying
his approaches. He came back a bit
indignant and THEN he realised...
Nuts hanging out? ..that his nuts
had been hanging out the whole time.
It's such a bad way for things
to fall out as well, isn't it?
Someone sort of emptying
an ASDA chicken out. '80s shorts
were so short, super short. Yeah.
And I think super short
shorts are coming back. Yeah.
And this is a really bad idea.
You need the inner gauze fabric.
That's like your insurance,
isn't it? Yeah.
It's even worse when the gauze pops
out and you see all the nuts
pressed against it.
"You think this gauze will stop me?
Let me out!"
Sorry about that.
Like testicles doing a bank raid.
They've got stocking fabric
on their face. I've seen that,
I've seen gauze emptying before,
like is that out or in? Full gauze.
Is there a female equivalent, Lucy?
I mean, not really. That would be a
boob flopping out, wouldn't it?
No, I mean...no. No?
No, women don't have balls,
I don't think. No, I don't know.
A boob out would be the...
Of course, yes.
A Judy Finnigan would be the
closest, wouldn't it? Yes.
A full Finnigan. Yeah, that's true.
"I'd like to present
the award for... Oh."
Yeah, or well I suppose your skirt
blowing up but that's a bit
"ha-ha!" isn't it? Yeah. It's not...
That's what I would do
if it happened to me, "ho-ho!"
It's sexy when...
A man's body is not designed
for inadvertent exposure, is it?
There's nothing Marilyn Monroe
about washing your hair
with your balls hanging
down the other... Oh!
# Boop-boop-de-boop
# Happy Birthday to you... #
No, a man's body, really, any glimpse
of a man's body, all you'll get
is, "Oh, no".
Lucy, are you saying that after a
while it develops a top, as it were?
I think it might. It would curdle,
it would surely curdle?
I was on a train on the way
to York once,
and you know so your Facebook page
is either public or private
and I've only got the public-y one.
There was an older woman opposite
me. It was a quiet carriage.
You know how tyrannous people
in the quiet carriage can be,
tutting each time you move.
"I heard an electron", you know.
And every time I moved
she'd be like...
HE TUTS
So I just posted... I shouldn't
have done it. Something
along the lines of,
"On the train with a right old cow
with a librarian's haircut
"tutting every time I move."
I felt very good with myself.
I was a little bit ageist, just
assumed she wasn't text savvy
and stuff, and anyway...
Did you dictate that to your phone?
She been looking at me
half recognising me,
thinking, it's not Nick Grimshaw,
who is it, who is it?
And Googled me, of course the first
thing that's come up
is my Facebook page.
And she's clicked it and seen
it's updated seven minutes ago,
"Sat opposite a horrible cow
with a librarian's haircut,"
and in a loud voice in front of
everyone went, "I'm not a horrible
cow, I've been visiting afriend
"who's sick in London.
"And I haven't got a librarian's
haircut, it's a neat bowl."
And I was thinking on
my feet, and I said,
"That's not about you, I just make
up things that have happened to me.
"It's probably my administrators,
in a minute I'll probably spill
a fictional coffee
"just to make my page more
interesting. It's got nothing
to do with you."
And she burst out crying
and apologised to me.
She was like, "I'm so sorry, I'm
just so sensitive at the moment."
I felt awful.
She got off the train somewhere
up the line in Scotland
and then my Facebook wall
appeared with, "Nice one, mate.
You just about got away with that.
I'm sat four seats behindyou."
True story.
You slagged her off online
and you lied and made her cry? Yeah.
Terrible.
You forget... I know they're public,
but you forget how quickly these
things can get out of hand.
I get people that get
annoyed saying...
Cos they think I'm Nick Grimshaw
pretending not to be Nick Grimshaw
cos I'm being unfriendly,
you know, "We're the people who
put you where you are, man."
And I'm genuinely not that person,
and then there's a big argument.
That is awkward, yeah. I was
at the Brighton Dome the other week
and a fellow, one of the doormen
let me out to have a cigarette
when like you shouldn't, let me in
and then, as it was like,
"You owe me one now,
"could you come and meet a couple
of me mates," or whatever.
Took me over to
this littleish old lady
and said, "There you are,
Alan Titchmarsh."
And I just said, "Yep, fine,
how lovely to meet you,"
went back in and continued.
It's easier sometimes than
embarrassing them, isn't it?
It's easier than...
Just go with it. Go with it.
That's what I do now,
I just pretend.
I had a Kevin Spacey once
with some Americans.
And I gave them... I signed it Bob
Mortimer and they gave it me back.
"Oh, I'm sorry.
We thought you were Kevin Spacey."
Returned it? Yep, just gave it
to me straight back.
Didn't someone change their name to
Bob Mortimer, a girl, by deed poll
to Bob Mortimer?
Yeah, she'll regret it now.
Not Robert, but Bob.
To Bob, yeah. I used to do
deed polls as a solicitor.
People'd come in in the
'80s or whatever, and say,
"I'd like to do a deed poll."
"What would you like to
change your name to?"
Cos at the time it was,
they'd say "Danny Romance."
It was that kind of...that was
what they were up to. Danny Romance.
Because of New Romantics?
Or whatever. Yeah, it was that
sorts of names, you know?
Yeah, like Floyd Success.
Whatever. Weirdest names.
Kenneth Apathy.
No, that would have been the '90s.
The '80s, it was "Wow!"
Kenneth Apathy.
Roger Gosh.
Kenneth Apathy. I'd say,
"Yeah, we can do that."
He'd say, "Oh, it's all right,
don't bother."
To be honest.
Yeah, my dad changed his name
because he hated his parents.
What did he change it to?
Well, it's Montgomery.
His real surname was Humphries and
Montgomery was his middle name,
so, yeah, that's it.
Oh, really? So you should be a
Humphries? I'm really Lucy Humphries.
Woo-ooh. Do you remember "Watch out,
there's a Humphrey about"?
I was just going to say, I wondered
if that was what was behind that.
There is now. There is now.
What's that? "Watch out, there's a
Humphrey about" was a big campaign
which maybe would've affected
your dad and maybe...
Maybe that's why. What did it
advertise? It was about milk. What?
When we were children, you used to
get milk off a float
that came down the street...
I remember that.
...which is ridiculous.
Bob Geldof used to steal from them,
didn't he? I've got a milkman
with a milk float.
And they would give you...
You would run after it
and I remember thinking, when I was
little, that I must be the fastest
runner in the world cos
I caught up with a milk float.
I also realised that the
bloke was allowing me,
and they would give you stickers
which were,
they were red and white stripes,
weren't they? Yeah.
They looked like a sort of a straw,
but they were twisted
in different shapes
and you could collect them and
this character, the Humphrey,
was on some of the stickers
and the slogan was "Watch out,
there's a Humphrey about".
There's a Humphrey about.
And the idea was, he was a little
bit "Ooh", he's a little bit...
You know, like Paul Whitehouse in
The Fast Show. A little bit...
So you never knew where he was.
He was like a cockroach.
That sense that milk
makes you a bit naughty.
I remember once complaining
because of a rattling milk float
in the road.
Investigations ensued and so on.
It just found out that
that particular milkman
was a compulsive masturbator
and he'd just chosen
the wrong profession.
The relentless clinking of bottles.
The one place where... Well,
you can hide it well, can't you?
No, but the bottles will...
Oh, my God.
He was milking himself on the float.
Yeah, and so on, but...
All the bottles are shaking.
It's one of the only times
that masturbating can become
a noise nuisance.
But also, there are no sides on the
float, so he's exposed as well...
Yeah. ..unless he's just facing...
Oh, I don't know.
Maybe he was amongst the bottles.
Was he nestled in? Maybe.
That's dangerous. That's dangerous
for a bird attack.
Maybe he a had a little gear stick
onesie for his knob.
But it's sort of four in the
morning, isn't it, presumably,
so there's not many people about?
We all get randy then.
Ooh. Phoning up the dairy
and they say,
"Oh, that's Wanky Bill.
"He'll be all right by nine o'clock.
"He'll be spent."
"In his defence,
that is what he does."
Wanky Bill. He always
keeps one empty back.
"This is my lucky empty."
That's why the milk, when you used
to get it a primary school,
was cheesy.
Because of Wanky Bill!
Watch out, Wanky Bill's
about. Never mind Humphrey.
That's not what semen...
Semen isn't cheesy.
I'm sure... No. No.
I don't know what
your fella's been...
When, maybe, left for a while
in a... Ugh!
Try it tonight, let me know.
Lucy, are you saying that
if left for a while it develops
a top, as it were?
I think it might. It would
curdle. It would surely curdle.
I don't know.
It is better fresh, yeah.
I'm just saying that
objectively. It must be.
My milkman's called Mr Squirrel.
Nice name for a milkman.
Is that what he told you?
"Hello, I'm Mr Squirrel."
Can I have some Humphrey stickers?
"Back off."
"Do you want to see my nuts?"
So you have a history of that,
then, Lucy.
You've had someone,
"Hello, I'm Mr Iranianfruits."
No, my milkman is...
"Hello, I'm Mr Squirrel."
..milky white pure. He wouldn't...
My milkman would never
wank in his van.
He sounds like a real gentleman.
You're really lucky.
The restraint is unbelievable.
I refuse to believe it.
Can you tell us why you're famous
amongst paramedics?
I was in labour with my first child.
I was having her at home
and the hospital promised that
a midwife would turn up.
But it was Easter.
It was just before Easter
so when we rang up they said,
"Oh, nobody can come.
"We're going to send an ambulance.
You'll have to come to the
hospital."
But there comes a point where you're
just kind of stuck to the floor
and you just... You know, you could
have a baby right here,
if this was the right point,
with all these people watching.
It's that point where you go,
"I can't get an ambulance."
I'm not going anywhere.
I'm not going anywhere. I'm here.
And this ambulance crew turned up
and they kind of talk to you in that
way, cos they're used to dealing
with crashes, so they kind of go,
"Hello, love!
"What's your name?!"
And there's a point where
you're not wearing anything,
but I had these eye patches cos
I just wanted to pretend
there was no-one else around.
So I had these eye patches.
They were leopard print.
Leopard print eye patches
on, like that,
and I was going, "Uhh!"
and they're going,
"What's your name?!"
So I'm like, "I'm Lucy,"
and all of a sudden there were
about ten men in the room
and one was just sitting on
the sofa, just hanging out.
I remember peeping out, like,
"What's going on, exactly?"
Sounds like, "Selfie!" Yeah.
And then this one guy -
he looked about 16,
kind of a spotty youth -
got his torch out
and said, "I'm going to have to
have a look down, you know,
"the business end." No.
Yes, honestly. I was thinking,
"This is not in my birth plan."
And he got a torch out and
he was shining the light
and he went,
"I've seen you in something."
It was, like, "Uh? What?"
And then, it's that point where
you have to go through your CV
but they can't quite... You're like,
"I really don't want to be...
"Was it that?" "No, it wasn't that."
"Was it that?" "No, it wasn't that."
And then, finally, we established
what it was and then...
It was like...
He thought you were Gwyneth Paltrow.
Probably.
Yeah, and then, eventually,
the midwife turned up
and she was in a really bad mood
cos she'd come off another shift.
I remember I accidentally
nudged her toe. She's like,
"You've hurt my toe!"
Midwives can't be in a bad mood.
That's the point of them.
I know, I know.
While I was going, "Uuuuh!"
Were you like, "That's really put
my pain in perspective, bitch"?
And you had it at home?
I had it at home, yeah. My husband
was trying to be funny going,
"I've picked up your poo."
Trying to lighten the mood.
I was like, "Ha-ha-ha. Yeah, great."
What had he just done? What had
you just done when...?
What was he referring to? I'd just
done a poo. Oh, I see. Right.
I'm not sure which bit of that
sentence you misunderstood?
I didn't know that was
the sort of thing people do.
He was trying to make it fun. I
didn't know... Women do often shit.
You missed quite a bit of the story
about you shitting on the floor.
In the context, that was quite
stressful. You can see
why you'd make it implicit.
And when did you regain your sight?
When did you decide
you wanted to see again?
When the child came out.
I keep doing that.
When that happened.
Then you saw the child
and put them back on.
Yeah. What happened with your second
one? Did you have it at hospital?
Yeah, because, er, yeah.
You didn't want to go
through that again?
I did. We sold our car
to pay for a private midwife,
thinking, we're not going to
all those blokes turning up again
and the paramedics,
you know what I mean?
And, then, in the end, I had to go
into hospital so that the midwife
that cost £4,000...
She can't come in the room.
Ooh, whoops.
..she's standing there like that.
Has to stand outside.
"I'll take some photos."
Yeah, that was an expensive photo.
I've got a good photo, though.
On all fours, baby's head out
like an alien, like that.
That was worth four grand.
Honestly, it's brilliant.
Brilliant. No poo in that one.
You've got about 20 children,
haven't you?
Yeah, about 20. Five.
I've got five.
And your wife... Never had a poo?
..Gawd bless her,
has never shat on the floor.
I don't think that's happened.
I'll ask her,
I've never been in. Do people
do it during caesareans?
Oh, I don't know about...
No, I doubt it, cos you're
not pushing, are you?
You're not pushing all your...
You could do it by chance
during a caesarean, couldn't you?
You could. Well, you could do
it during the caesarean. Yeah.
I'll do the shit. I can do it, Dawn.
I'll take this one.
On the floor. I'll pick it up.
I've got this one. You're having
a baby. Let me do the shit.
Her eyes, like, bulged.
Her teeth popped out,
went into Sophie Dahl's
pint of Baileys.
Bang.
About 2007 or something,
I got a part in this film, the
Sherlock Holmes, Robert Downey Jr,
Jude Law thing. I remember being
very excited to get it.
I was doing a thing where I was
touring the small scale
theatre thing and the phone rang and
they went, "You've got the part.
"You're playing the waiter
in the Sherlock Holmes thing."
I thought, "Wow, that's fantastic."
"Are you definitely available?"
"I'm definitely available."
It turned out they were filming
on a Sunday in London
and our play was in Newcastle
on Saturday night,
so I wasn't really as available
as I said, but I thought,
"I've got to go and do it."
So I got a taxi from
Newcastle to London,
which took half of my fee,
but I thought,
I've still got to do it.
It'll be exciting to go
and do this film.
There's a scene in the film,
Robert Downey Jr is,
he's your Sherlock,
and then Jude Law is Doctor Watson.
Kelly Reilly is
Doctor Watson's date.
The idea of it is that
Sherlock Holmes is sort of ruining
all their fun and they arrive
and he sort of talks over them
and there's this bit when they say,
"What should we order?"
Then the waiter, that would be me,
Jude Law goes, "Waiter,"
and when I get to the table I go,
"The gentleman's already ordered
for the table, sir."
And they're a bit sort of...
Very good. I can see why he got it.
Raw. Gentlemen... Raw power.
He's at the National now, you know?
As it happens, but it really
could have been anyone.
So we film it a couple of times.
They're doing their thing
and he goes "Waiter,"
and I come in and I go,
"The gentleman's already ordered
for the table, sir."
And he goes, "Uh-huh."
Walk away again
and it was about
the third or fourth take of it.
Guy Richie is directing it and
on the third or fourth take,
I start saying my line and
Robert Downey Jr comes in
on the end of it and starts
speaking over the end of my line.
I thought, "I probably
won't say anything."
So I go back to my mark and
"Let's go again,"
so we're going to do the scene
again. I come in,
"The gentleman's already ordered..."
"M-m-m-m." '..table sir."
So, I go back to my mark and think,
"Oh, God, I can't..."
And then, at the end of the take,
Jude Law went,
"Er, was there
a bit of overlap there?"
No-one sort of says anything.
They go, "Yeah, we're going
to go for another one'",
So, I go back to my mark and then
this sound man suddenly appears
and walks up to me and goes,
"You're talking
"when Robert's talking."
"All right, I'm just doing the line.
It's the only line I've got.
"I'm come from Newcastle for this.
"I'm just doing the line."
He goes, "I tell you what. If you
think the gap is going to be
"long enough to say the line,
say it."
I was going, "How can I guess
how long a gap is?"
Terrifying. Looking round.
I can't really logically do
what you're asking me to do.
And then he went, "You just can't
talk when he's talking,"
and then walked off.
And then I heard the voice
of Robert Downey Jr going
"What's that guy's name?"
Oh, no. What happens is,
Downey Jr goes,
"See, I can't talk when...
At the moment I'm having
a conversation with her.
"You're not part of
that conversation,
"so why don't we just now, let's
just quickly run it a few times?
"We'll make it work."
So we did it a few times
and made it work
and he goes, "OK, it works.
"That's what we need to do.
We just deal with the timing.
"Thanks very much."
Finally finished the scene. I was
thinking, God, that was absolutely
bloody terrifying.
That was a horrific moment.
I went to my trailer and they went,
"We'll come and get you in a bit."
About four hours later no-one had
come. I was trying to get out of it.
I said, "You all right?
You need me down the shot?"
"No, it's absolutely fine."
Went to the premiere,
six or seven months later
and I said to a mate of mine
who's an actor,
"You must come to this premiere
with me. I'm in this film.
"Come to the premiere."
So, I'm sitting there watching the
film and obviously my bit comes on
and I'm, "That's the bit outside
the club. Here we go. This is my...
"This is my scene."
You see Jude Law go, "Waiter"...
..and he does a look as if to go,
"Why's there no waiter come?"
And the line is not
in there whatsoever.
Then it gets to his line.
"Olli, I'm not in the film."
"You in another bit?" "I'm not in
the film. Look, there I am."
And just briefly I come in with
a bit of turkey and I go...
And that was the extent of it.
I did one, Miles, where I
was doing a thing called
Randall And Hopkirk Deceased
and Derek Jacobi was the actor
I was acting with,
but I hadn't met him
and I didn't meet him
before we did the scene.
And it was just like on "Action"
and he was in this jungle.
It was in a studio, but it was
a jungle sort of thing,
and I had to go up and I can't
remember what I said,
but it was something like, "Hello,
Professor Wainwright" or whatever,
and this is Sir Derek Jacobi
and all that,
and they went "Action".
I went up and instead of Wainwright
I said "Twainwright" or something,
so, "Hello, Professor Twainwright."
And he said, "Oh, you cunt!"
First thing he ever said to me.
That's it.
Absolutely true. "Oh, you cunt!"
I think we might have stumbled upon
a title for the show.
Oh, my God.
But these people are terrifying,
aren't they, Miles?
I hadn't met him, but it was
terrifying that I knew he was
over there somewhere.
Can you tell us, then, why you're
popular amongst celebrities
because...
Well, that wouldn't seem to suggest
how it really was.
I was at a comedy awards do
and I'd had an awful lot to drink.
Why? Do you know what?
Very easily done.
"What an extraordinary amount of
beer I've had to drink tonight."
Whatever. At which point,
I was realising this,
Sophie Dahl, the large, larger lady?
No, I'm not allowed?
No. She's tall.
She's a tall lady.
Plus-sized icon.
Yeah. She reared up near me. Good
save. Thank you. What was that one?
Plus-sized icon.
Yeah, plus-sized icon.
Although you then did
have her "rearing up"...
Grr.
Can you help me with the rearing up?
She popped up beside me.
Surprised me, yeah,
out the corner of my ar...
My ar?
My arse.
Out of the corner of my arse.
That would have been a surprise,
wouldn't it?!
Get out of me. Sophie! Get out!
You're so tall. Great.
Sophie, erm, she said something
in the area of, like,
"Would you like to buy a motor?"
She just, like, do you know
what I mean? She hit me, bang,
with her size and her...
What do I call it? Plus-sized icon.
Heft. With her plus-sized
iconicism and now a bang.
Heft. Heft. With her heft. Curves!
I'm glad you said that, Lu.
Beauty, her heft, her curves,
all that stuff.
Voluptuousness.
No, it was remarkable
and it sent me,
on a journey in drink
that was to what...
Stumbling?
Stumbling towards
a low-ish banister,
glass, chrome
and I didn't know what was
the other side it.
But Cilla Black was
there in the middle.
So I had either go over the banister
or break my fall with Cilla Black.
I remember going towards...
Kind of remember it.
I don't know if I remember it,
but I remember that area,
but I was going towards her.
She was the only thing...
Cos it was quite scary.
You don't know what's beyond
banisters, do you?
Any builder will tell you,
"You don't know what's
beyond a banister, Bob."
So, I went towards it and I think
I can kind of remember it was
a choice between Cilla's face... Oh.
..or Cilla's tit.
And I think I made the right
decision cos I went for the tit.
So I broke my fall
on Cilla's tit.
Oh, she loved it.
No! I don't mean it that way.
I mean her eyes, like, bulged.
Her teeth...
Her teeth popped out,
went into Sophie Dahl's
pint of Baileys.
Bang!
I remember I was left
with my hand
and look at, "Cilla. Fuck.
Oh, whoa."
Like that and taking it off
and I can't say this,
she's always drunk, Cilla.
She's what? Always drunk.
Always drunk, right.
I'll rephrase that one.
She's not good in the mornings,
Alan.
She's usually sat next to
Wanky Bill out in the...
Like, "Surprise, surprise.
"Come on, Bill."
But, like, it was like...
So, I went, bang, and I really was
quite conscious, like,
"Cilla Black's tit."
Bang. It felt like a sleeping
rabbit, something like that.
You know what I mean?
Furry? She's got... They're furry?
That sort of consistency.
Do you know, like, memory foam?
I've got a pillow like that.
Yeah, memory foam.
Now I won't be able to lie on it
without thinking of...
Oh, the dreams you'll have now.
So, yeah, but I don't know if that
ties in with saying celebrities...
Well, what I've been told is that
you're popular amongst
celebrities, but I've seen nothing so
far...
So, you're, like, IN celebrities.
You're rude about their size
or you attack them, Bob.
If I had a buzzer, I'd say "No".
A memory foam boob. It's a lie.
Now we need to think of a title
for the programme.
Titting Up Cilla.
Titting up Cilla Black.
It has to be.
What about something with
Wanky Bill in it?
Yeah.
Watch Out, Wanky Bill's About.
That's instead of a Humphrey,
you see?
You'd run a lot faster from
Wanky Bill, wouldn't you, though?
"I'll catch ya!"
Aargh!
"You cunt!" I still need to...
We can't call it You Cunt.
That is the winner,
but we can't, obviously.
Imagine that in the Sky planner
when you're going,
"I wonder what's on Dave tonight?"
You Cunt, hosted by Alan Davies.
Titting up Cilla
is very hard to resist.
That's what we've been told.
Put like that...
Yeah, put like that.
Ladies and gentlemen, please
join me in thanking all my guests.
Miles Jupp.
Russell Kane.
Bob Mortimer...
..and Lucy,
Lucy Montgomery.
I've been Alan Davies.
Thank you very much.
You have been watching
Watch Out, Wanky Bill's About.
Subtitles by Ericsson
London, where gravity
doesn't even apply...
I've got two dogs, two pugs.
I'm known as Two Pugs on the estate.
I'm Bob Mortimer.
What a dirty, dirty town.
Love Alan Davies, I love chatting,
so nothing can go wrong.
Let's get this show on the road.
My bag.
APPLAUSE
Hello, I'm Alan Davies
and this is As Yet Untitled,
the show that is completely
unscripted, unprepared
and unplanned. And tonight I'll be
joined by four very funny people
and during the course
of our conversation
we shall come upon a title for the
show. That's our ambition, anyway.
So please will you welcome my guests.
CHEERING
Here they are, welcome.
Welcome all, lets see who we have.
We have Miles Jupp. Miles Jupp is
not in Sherlock Holmes the movie.
Well done, Miles!
LAUGHING: Congratulations!
Russell Kane is here. Russell Kane
is very free when doing weights.
Russell Kane.
Very nice to have Bob Mortimer again
on the show. Bob Mortimer is
the cockroach king and is popular
amongst other celebrities.
And Lucy Montgomery, welcome to Lucy.
Thank you. Lucy is famous amongst
paramedics and likes Iranian fruit,
but not that much.
That sounds...that does sound like a
euphemism, doesn't it? Iranian fruit.
Mm, yeah.
Sounds like it could be anything.
Maybe we won't get into
that straight away.
If you want we can, it's your show.
Is it actually fruit?
Um, well, what happened was...
It's a euphemism, I knew it was. Oh!
I was on holiday in Iran...
Were you? ..as you do.
Classic holiday destination.
Yeah, of course!
Was it 18 to 30s?
Thomsons, yeah. Thomsons, yeah.
Wey! Pissed every night
with all me mates.
The Sambuca! The Sambuca is
quality in Iran, it really is.
Been to Syria on holiday too,
not lately, but a few years ago.
Seriously you have actually
been to all these...?
Yeah, this was in the '90s.
I thought I'd try something
a bit different,
branch out, get a bit adventurous.
But in the '90s you must have
been about 14.
Sadly no. No, I was about 21, 22,
etc. So you.. 23, 24, 25...
Sort of out of university. Yeah,
thought... Go to some war zones?
..go somewhere exciting.
It wasn't a war zone at the time,
you see, and I was...
I went with my friend. We wanted
to be independent lady travellers,
and we thought, this is all right,
so we have to wear a hijab,
that's absolutely fine.
But we were laughed at by the
Iranians who just...
One bloke did say,
"Why are you dressed like
an Islamic fundamentalist?"
Because the women, they showed
their hair, they had make-up on,
and we were like that. But they
told us to wear a wedding ring,
because everyone... Even
the woman at British Airways
when we went to get the flight went,
"What are you going there for?"
We're like, "Thanks very much,
be open-minded, people!"
And it was a lovely place.
Go there on holiday, OK?
Maybe not... Did you go straight
from London to Tehran? Yeah.
And then I was offered
the aforementioned fruit.
A man...a man knocked on my hotel
room and came with a lovely,
lovely bowl of fruit and said,
in exchange for the fruit
if I could offer him
something else, my fruit.
Something fruity. My grapes,
my pomegranate, my...
Your passion fruit.
My passion fruit. Ah, very good!
For his banana, I see. Exactly.
And yeah, I thought
about it for a minute.
It was a really nice
bowl of fruit. I suppose
if you're going to be weighed up
in your worth in fruit, that was...
What about the chat? Was it...
He was kind of... Tempting?
..kind of small. A small fella?
Small and hairy and,
you know, not my...
Like a kiwi, like a kiwi.
A kiwi, yeah.
He sounds all right.
He was OK, but, yeah,
I was a bit scared.
Small and hairy, not my type.
That's a T-shirt.
So this is completely unsolicited,
he's just knocked
on your hotel room door?
Yeah, I think he worked in the hotel
and seen these two beautiful
Islamic fundamentalist
women and thought,
I will have a bit of that.
If you had scurvy at the time,
do you think the story
would have a different ending?
Yeah, I would definitely have gone
for it. I would've gone for it.
I do need some fruit, actually,
yeah. Yeah.
Maybe that IS the ending,
we haven't heard. Sorry, go on.
No, I turned him down. We didn't
have a night of love amongst
the pomegranate, sadly.
What were the fruits?
Well, some grapes,
and pomegranates are Iranian fruit.
There were some apples, pears...
Nice. The usual. OK.
Yeah, what fruit do you think
I would be worth?
A pineapple, I'd have thought.
There was no pineapple. A kumquat.
A kumquat, yeah.
The smallest fruit
you could think of.
Oh, I was just thinking in terms
of flavour, not kind of...
I'm not a fruit scientist.
I only ask because
you were specific about
"I don't like Iranian fruit".
I wondered if...
No, no, no, it wasn't...
I mean, any country.
You're not fruit racist or anything.
No, I'm not a fruit racist. Phew!
Yeah, we rang front desk and said,
"The man with the fruit came.
"We don't appreciate it."
Nothing was done.
Oh, really, you reported him?
Yeah, because he could
be offering his fruit
to all sorts of women in the...
And did you stay in Tehran or did
you go around the rest of Iran?
Yeah, went around, Shiraz, Isfahan,
don't know if you know them?
Bam, anyone? Anyone been
to Bam on holiday? No?
There's been an earthquake,
it's all been destroyed. It's fine.
Really, somewhere
called Bam exploded?
Yeah, I'd recommend it.
That's a scary place to go.
My mum looks for wherever is
war-torn, then goes there.
So whenever Egypt gets more trouble,
she goes back to Sharm. Cos it'll
be cheap. The prices crash. Yeah.
She goes on easyJet. She calls it
chavvy business class
where you get three sideways
and put your legs up
and create like
virtual business class.
She goes, "The flight was empty".
I'm like, "I'm not surprised,
the capital is exploding."
She hunts for bargains based on
where is near war.
like whatever happened. She could
be taken hostage and appear
in an orange jumpsuit going, "I'm
fully insured, they can't touch me."
Unbelievable.
Is she quite a character, your mum?
She just loves a bargain.
Do you think you're funny
cos your mum's funny?
Um, I think I've got my mum's
energy. She's like a Peperami stick
with a perm, my mum. She's like...
She's got loads of energy.
My mum's one of those people that if
you phone, she's doing another job.
I can hear the dishwasher being
stacked with the phone
under her ear. She can't sit down
and have a conversation.
It might be an Essex thing.
My mother-in-law's like that,
constantly cleaning.
She'd be cleaning this now.
She's a bit crazy.
Has your mum got
dishwasher insurance as well?
Yeah, "I'm fully insured, love,
don't worry, nothing can happen."
She sounds like a worrier,
maybe that is...
You know, like maybe insurance
is very much part of her life.
Oh, yeah, yeah, sure.
I never get insurance.
But you can't really over-insure
your white goods. Yeah.
Have you ever claimed?
For a white good damage? Yeah.
I'm trying to think now.
Has anyone ever?
You were the voice of insurance,
weren't you? Oh, yes...
CHURCHILL INSURANCE DOG VOICE:
Oh, yes. Churchill?
Good point, Lucy. Yeah.
That's not the most ringing
endorsement, is it?
"I wouldn't have the stuff."
I was asked to be
the mouse in the Direct Line ad.
Did you not do it?
The computer mouse. Right.
And Stephen Fry was asked
to be the phone. Typical.
I was going to be the mouse,
he was going to be the voice
of the phone. They said, "We're going
to pay you this amount of money."
I thought, "That's quite a lot of
money, I bet Stephen won't do that,
it's absurd.
"We're going to make idiots of
ourselves, there's no way Stephen
will do it."
I said, "This is a non-starter.
Forget the whole thing."
I turned the TV on the following week
and Paul Merton was the mouse.
Oh, no. You were replaced by Paul.
And Stephen was the phone anyway.
I'm such an idiot, I'm so...
Have you ever done an advert, Alan?
I can't think of.
Years ago I did adverts
for the Abbey National.
Oh, yeah. Yeah. ..which used to
be a bank, it was a long campaign
and at the end they changed the name
of the bank cos it was a disaster.
And they paid me
quite a lot of money,
and then I had consequently a very
high tax bill and I wrote a cheque,
an Abbey National cheque
to the taxman,
and the bank bounced it.
And I had to phone them up and say,
"What are you doing?
"I'm the bloke off the thing,
"do you know how embarrassing
this is for me,
"to have to ring the bank?"
When I first met Bob he'd just been
doing some modelling forM&S.
That's right, I had, hadn't I?
Yep, yep. He was awash
with M&S vouchers.
He couldn't get rid. Were you paid
exclusively in M&S vouchers?
That's right, yeah.
"Have some M&S vouchers,"
everyone was like, "Yes, please!"
But I did, Lucy, I had them in my
top pocket. Always flashing them.
"You look a bit down, have an M&S."
It was like...
Have you got any in there now?
No, but it's true, innit? I've still
got some in me drawer, but like...
We did some modelling for M&S
and I won't name the person,
but one of the people involved
in it had a much better agent
than the other one and said,
"Yes, we'll take that fee
"but we want 20 grand
of M&S vouchers as well."
And it was one of those days
where everyone has to get the same
so I ended up with...like,
this pile of M&S vouchers.
Fabulous things.
I was like the king, wasn't I, then?
Were they stuffed under your bed?
I do remember that.
And you took them.
Of course!
BOB LAUGHS
I've got
so many pairs of grey shoes...
..from that period, different sizes.
I don't know what size I am.
I've got vouchers.
If they're too big, just stuff
the ends with vouchers.
With vouchers, yeah!
With the force of each extension,
you know those little trolls
you used to buy on
holiday with the eyes?
I was like that.
So Bob, tell me
about being the Cockroach King.
Yeah, I was the Cockroach King,
and it's official.
It was on the cover
of the South London Press,
which if you live in south London
is a pretty big deal. Yes.
A pretty big deal, yeah?
Big paper. You live there?
It is, yeah, I live there, yeah.
The Cockroach King like that.
One of those awkward shots coming
out of a court, cos I was
a solicitor at the time,
and my speciality was housing law
and I used to sue Southwark Council
for having cockroach infestations
in their tower blocks, cos they were
all built on landfills
and so the cockroaches live
in the concrete in the very, like...
you know, like, structure.
In the actual building itself?
Yeah, cos they can dine on concrete,
you know.
They can survive only on concrete,
it gives them nourishment.
There is tiny... Sorry, you don't
want to get into the science...
How tough is a cockroach?
"I fucking eat concrete, mate,
and I'll still survive.
That's dinner to me."
Because it was a
Public Health Act matter.
I was the king, though,
because I used this slightly old,
this 1948 Public Health Act
to sue the council,
saying it was unfit
for human habitation,
so they'd have to move the people
who lived with the cockroaches.
But it hadn't been used before
so the king, you know,
that hyperbole came because we won,
and of course the consequences of it
were massive because if
a whole block's infested,
that's, I don't know,
900 families or whatever, they all
instantly really have got the
right or whatever to be given
a new house, so yeah.
We had to always put in
an expert's report.
We used to get this fellow
from Cambridge.
I think he was called Professor
Downlight, something like that.
No, honestly, and he'd come in.
You always knew,
whenever I got a new client,
you'd go into the house
you'd smell the
cockroach infestation... Urgh...
..before you see it.
It smells like really
weak Bovril, you know? Yeah.
Like a slightly meaty...
And they go, they'd go to...
The audience are making noises.
Shall I drop this story and...
No! It's fascinating, please.
So they're attracted to warmth,
so you'll mainly find them behind
the cooker, behind the fridge,
where it's warm behind the fridge,
and inside the concrete
where the pipes are and so on,
and the saddest one,
the most awful one was,
they like to sleep under...
under babies, and children
and that's where
you'll mainly find them.
But Doctor Downlight,
Professor Downlight, he could go in
and he was absolutely honest,
he could go in, look around,
look at the walls, whatever,
and say "Here". No way. "Here."
He's a cockroach whisperer! Yep.
Take his case out, gouge this thing
out, you screw this thing
like that, then you'd pull out
the concrete and they'd just fuck...
Oh! ..they'd just spill out.
"There we have it!
"There we have the infestation.
Yes! This one's go!"
INAUDIBLE
Downlight didn't give a fuck,
he did it without his trousers on,
you know, wild haircut.
He used to touch the lasses up,
but he was the man.
Do you mean the lady cockroaches?
"Dirty cow, she loves it!"
Cos what they do is,
what the council do is
put these pellets down,
anyone who's infested,
they put these pellets down
and the theory is, is they make
the male cockroaches impotent.
They alter their genetics
or something like that.
You what? they make them what?
They make them impotent.
What, like a reverse Viagra
sort of thing?
Yeah, they won't breed, so that's
the way to get rid of them.
How'd they do that? It's a science
thing, I have no idea. But it
doesn't really work.
All it seemed to do was... When they
start meddling with people's brains
and stuff, it just seemed
to give them ADHD and that
and you just got
more mental cockroaches.
Everyone who we gave
the pellets to would say,
"Since the pellets,
they've gone mental."
Do you know, they'll peep
out of drawers, "Wey-hey!"
Or whatever, or peel back
a fried egg and go, "Aaah!"
"Still here!"
My sex life's ruined. All
I've got is hide-and-seek now.
Cos the thing was, the truth is,
that there's nothing
you can do about them.
Are you still known as the
Cockroach King? If you go drinking
in south London now in the pubs,
"Hey, it's the Cockroach King!"
No, but I'll see cockroaches
scuttling out of the pub.
Did they pull those tower
blocks down eventually?
The North Peckham estate's gone now,
yeah, but they'll never get rid
of them. They're under...
They're in the world...the world?
Is that the right thing to say?
That's as deep as you can go, isn't
it? Into the world. The world...
I can't stop it now,
it's in the world.
The world's infested.
I dropped it, it's in the world.
Oh, God someone's... Shit!
The world's got a cockroach now,
it's just a nightmare.
I'm going to say to my kids now
when they drop something.
I normally say, "Don't pick that up,
that's for the birds now."
You know, if they drop their biscuit,
"That's for the birds now."
Now I'll say,
"That's gone into the world."
That's everyone's now,
you've made that communal.
I was at the Adelaide Festival
and I was the opening act
and Jimeoin was the headline act,
so while Jimeoin was on we had
to sit in the dressing room, we
couldn't leave, and the cockroaches
would come out. If you sat still
long enough, they'd come out.
If you moved about, they wouldn't.
What did they look like, Alan?
This size and brown. Yeah.
And all the refreshments were
served in plastic cups, you know,
so you'd finish your drink
and then you'd put it on a cockroach
and then it would just
rattle around inside
and move the cup around the floor
and you got used to it after a while.
Quite fun.
It was quite entertaining,
cos it was like cockroach dodgems,
but you'd just be completely used
to sitting chatting with three
or four of these cups rattling.
You could race them, couldn't you?
Like a sort of like a duck
put your name on the cup
and then put it over cockroach or
whatever. You're just basically
giving them a sort of chassis.
What they said to us,
they said, "Don't tread on them,"
and then they didn't
really explain...
There's so many things in Australia
you're frightened of. Mm.
You're frightened to go to the toilet
cos there's supposed to be
a murderous spider under there.
They said, "Don't tread on them mate,
just don't... Oh, look,
just leave them."
Maybe... I imagine loads of babies
would come scuttling out.
Or it would split into two
like the Sorcerer's Apprentice.
It would go under your skin
like in The Mummy.
Do you remember that bit? No.
Omid Djalili with the cockroach
under his face? Just me, OK.
That was a dream you had.
It was a dream, a happy dream.
They scared me with the drop bears
thing when I was first in Australia
as well, that's what
they'd tell all the newbies,
all the Brits that come over,
that some koalas get so stoned
on the eucalyptus
that they fall out of the tree and
they go like, "Raa!"
They say, "When you're walking along
watch out for the drop bears,
we've lost a few tourists."
I was shitting myself for about
two weeks that these killer bears
were going to drop out ofthe tree.
It was complete nonsense.
It's complete nonsense, innit? Yeah.
Tell me about being free with
weights. What does that mean?
Er, like a lot of people,
I enjoyed primary school
and I enjoyed university,
but I hated secondary school.
11 to 16, a miserable time
for a lot of people.
I wasn't in the total nerdy league.
I was like the one league above,
do you know what I mean,
that just scraped through.
I was in the Dungeons and Dragons
club and stuff like that.
So I left school without
even kissing a girl,
basically. I was one of those.
You were at an Essex
comprehensive school?
No, I grew up in... That part
of my childhood was in Enfield
which is just over the boarder.
Yeah.
So yeah, so no girlfriend, but in
my world, I was a powerful wizard,
so swings and roundabouts.
You wouldn't mess with me
if I was holding a 20-sided
dice, Bob, but anyway...
So when you're a young man
of a certain type at school,
I imagine it's the same for like
most people that were funny
at school, the only way you can
get attention is to mess around
if you're not particularly
in the good-looking or sporty gang.
So the only way I could
get girls' attention
was to be funny, and there was
one intersection where I thought
the sort of the physical had
united with the humour.
Our gym was down where the
sort of basketball court was.
So you could walk around the top
if you weren't having gym class
and you could peer down back
into the gym, which was the worst.
When you get to sort of 14, 15,
you're allowed to start using
weights and stuff like that.
And we were having a weights class
and I would sometimes mess around
with people at the top
and clown about and get girls'
attention that way.
I was doing this exercise,
it's called a tricep extension,
which I'm sure you all know, it's
where you have the weight like that
and you have to stretch the tricep
doing that, and I was sat astride
the bench, you know these little
shorts you used to wear at school.
I was doing that and the girls
were all pointing and laughing
and I thought, not only
am I impressing them with
my physical prowess
and I'm the centre of attention for
being funny, which is all sort of
budding comics,
but do you know what they
were actually laughing at?
With the force of the tricep
extension on my puny body,
my balls had popped out
the side of my shorts.
Not only that, but with the force
of each extension...
You know those little trolls you
used to buy on holiday
with the eyes...
I was like that.
I was so traumatised.
So it was popping out
and going back in again? Yeah.
Like when you squeeze a frog. Yeah.
It just represented
the end of any possibility
of getting off with a girl, as
we would have said before I was...
Did it make your bollocks
bigger, though?
Nor my triceps, no. Nothing?
Funnily enough, though, my forearms
bulked up in those years, so...
..that's loneliness for you.
I had a friend, we went on holiday
to Majorca, so... I know, so boring.
And he saw a girl
he liked the look of so he went
and quite cockily, really, put
his foot up on the seat. Oh, no...
She was sitting down chatting
and she seemed distracted
and kept nudging her friend
and in the end...
He was very good looking, this guy.
He was quite used to people enjoying
his approaches. He came back a bit
indignant and THEN he realised...
Nuts hanging out? ..that his nuts
had been hanging out the whole time.
It's such a bad way for things
to fall out as well, isn't it?
Someone sort of emptying
an ASDA chicken out. '80s shorts
were so short, super short. Yeah.
And I think super short
shorts are coming back. Yeah.
And this is a really bad idea.
You need the inner gauze fabric.
That's like your insurance,
isn't it? Yeah.
It's even worse when the gauze pops
out and you see all the nuts
pressed against it.
"You think this gauze will stop me?
Let me out!"
Sorry about that.
Like testicles doing a bank raid.
They've got stocking fabric
on their face. I've seen that,
I've seen gauze emptying before,
like is that out or in? Full gauze.
Is there a female equivalent, Lucy?
I mean, not really. That would be a
boob flopping out, wouldn't it?
No, I mean...no. No?
No, women don't have balls,
I don't think. No, I don't know.
A boob out would be the...
Of course, yes.
A Judy Finnigan would be the
closest, wouldn't it? Yes.
A full Finnigan. Yeah, that's true.
"I'd like to present
the award for... Oh."
Yeah, or well I suppose your skirt
blowing up but that's a bit
"ha-ha!" isn't it? Yeah. It's not...
That's what I would do
if it happened to me, "ho-ho!"
It's sexy when...
A man's body is not designed
for inadvertent exposure, is it?
There's nothing Marilyn Monroe
about washing your hair
with your balls hanging
down the other... Oh!
# Boop-boop-de-boop
# Happy Birthday to you... #
No, a man's body, really, any glimpse
of a man's body, all you'll get
is, "Oh, no".
Lucy, are you saying that after a
while it develops a top, as it were?
I think it might. It would curdle,
it would surely curdle?
I was on a train on the way
to York once,
and you know so your Facebook page
is either public or private
and I've only got the public-y one.
There was an older woman opposite
me. It was a quiet carriage.
You know how tyrannous people
in the quiet carriage can be,
tutting each time you move.
"I heard an electron", you know.
And every time I moved
she'd be like...
HE TUTS
So I just posted... I shouldn't
have done it. Something
along the lines of,
"On the train with a right old cow
with a librarian's haircut
"tutting every time I move."
I felt very good with myself.
I was a little bit ageist, just
assumed she wasn't text savvy
and stuff, and anyway...
Did you dictate that to your phone?
She been looking at me
half recognising me,
thinking, it's not Nick Grimshaw,
who is it, who is it?
And Googled me, of course the first
thing that's come up
is my Facebook page.
And she's clicked it and seen
it's updated seven minutes ago,
"Sat opposite a horrible cow
with a librarian's haircut,"
and in a loud voice in front of
everyone went, "I'm not a horrible
cow, I've been visiting afriend
"who's sick in London.
"And I haven't got a librarian's
haircut, it's a neat bowl."
And I was thinking on
my feet, and I said,
"That's not about you, I just make
up things that have happened to me.
"It's probably my administrators,
in a minute I'll probably spill
a fictional coffee
"just to make my page more
interesting. It's got nothing
to do with you."
And she burst out crying
and apologised to me.
She was like, "I'm so sorry, I'm
just so sensitive at the moment."
I felt awful.
She got off the train somewhere
up the line in Scotland
and then my Facebook wall
appeared with, "Nice one, mate.
You just about got away with that.
I'm sat four seats behindyou."
True story.
You slagged her off online
and you lied and made her cry? Yeah.
Terrible.
You forget... I know they're public,
but you forget how quickly these
things can get out of hand.
I get people that get
annoyed saying...
Cos they think I'm Nick Grimshaw
pretending not to be Nick Grimshaw
cos I'm being unfriendly,
you know, "We're the people who
put you where you are, man."
And I'm genuinely not that person,
and then there's a big argument.
That is awkward, yeah. I was
at the Brighton Dome the other week
and a fellow, one of the doormen
let me out to have a cigarette
when like you shouldn't, let me in
and then, as it was like,
"You owe me one now,
"could you come and meet a couple
of me mates," or whatever.
Took me over to
this littleish old lady
and said, "There you are,
Alan Titchmarsh."
And I just said, "Yep, fine,
how lovely to meet you,"
went back in and continued.
It's easier sometimes than
embarrassing them, isn't it?
It's easier than...
Just go with it. Go with it.
That's what I do now,
I just pretend.
I had a Kevin Spacey once
with some Americans.
And I gave them... I signed it Bob
Mortimer and they gave it me back.
"Oh, I'm sorry.
We thought you were Kevin Spacey."
Returned it? Yep, just gave it
to me straight back.
Didn't someone change their name to
Bob Mortimer, a girl, by deed poll
to Bob Mortimer?
Yeah, she'll regret it now.
Not Robert, but Bob.
To Bob, yeah. I used to do
deed polls as a solicitor.
People'd come in in the
'80s or whatever, and say,
"I'd like to do a deed poll."
"What would you like to
change your name to?"
Cos at the time it was,
they'd say "Danny Romance."
It was that kind of...that was
what they were up to. Danny Romance.
Because of New Romantics?
Or whatever. Yeah, it was that
sorts of names, you know?
Yeah, like Floyd Success.
Whatever. Weirdest names.
Kenneth Apathy.
No, that would have been the '90s.
The '80s, it was "Wow!"
Kenneth Apathy.
Roger Gosh.
Kenneth Apathy. I'd say,
"Yeah, we can do that."
He'd say, "Oh, it's all right,
don't bother."
To be honest.
Yeah, my dad changed his name
because he hated his parents.
What did he change it to?
Well, it's Montgomery.
His real surname was Humphries and
Montgomery was his middle name,
so, yeah, that's it.
Oh, really? So you should be a
Humphries? I'm really Lucy Humphries.
Woo-ooh. Do you remember "Watch out,
there's a Humphrey about"?
I was just going to say, I wondered
if that was what was behind that.
There is now. There is now.
What's that? "Watch out, there's a
Humphrey about" was a big campaign
which maybe would've affected
your dad and maybe...
Maybe that's why. What did it
advertise? It was about milk. What?
When we were children, you used to
get milk off a float
that came down the street...
I remember that.
...which is ridiculous.
Bob Geldof used to steal from them,
didn't he? I've got a milkman
with a milk float.
And they would give you...
You would run after it
and I remember thinking, when I was
little, that I must be the fastest
runner in the world cos
I caught up with a milk float.
I also realised that the
bloke was allowing me,
and they would give you stickers
which were,
they were red and white stripes,
weren't they? Yeah.
They looked like a sort of a straw,
but they were twisted
in different shapes
and you could collect them and
this character, the Humphrey,
was on some of the stickers
and the slogan was "Watch out,
there's a Humphrey about".
There's a Humphrey about.
And the idea was, he was a little
bit "Ooh", he's a little bit...
You know, like Paul Whitehouse in
The Fast Show. A little bit...
So you never knew where he was.
He was like a cockroach.
That sense that milk
makes you a bit naughty.
I remember once complaining
because of a rattling milk float
in the road.
Investigations ensued and so on.
It just found out that
that particular milkman
was a compulsive masturbator
and he'd just chosen
the wrong profession.
The relentless clinking of bottles.
The one place where... Well,
you can hide it well, can't you?
No, but the bottles will...
Oh, my God.
He was milking himself on the float.
Yeah, and so on, but...
All the bottles are shaking.
It's one of the only times
that masturbating can become
a noise nuisance.
But also, there are no sides on the
float, so he's exposed as well...
Yeah. ..unless he's just facing...
Oh, I don't know.
Maybe he was amongst the bottles.
Was he nestled in? Maybe.
That's dangerous. That's dangerous
for a bird attack.
Maybe he a had a little gear stick
onesie for his knob.
But it's sort of four in the
morning, isn't it, presumably,
so there's not many people about?
We all get randy then.
Ooh. Phoning up the dairy
and they say,
"Oh, that's Wanky Bill.
"He'll be all right by nine o'clock.
"He'll be spent."
"In his defence,
that is what he does."
Wanky Bill. He always
keeps one empty back.
"This is my lucky empty."
That's why the milk, when you used
to get it a primary school,
was cheesy.
Because of Wanky Bill!
Watch out, Wanky Bill's
about. Never mind Humphrey.
That's not what semen...
Semen isn't cheesy.
I'm sure... No. No.
I don't know what
your fella's been...
When, maybe, left for a while
in a... Ugh!
Try it tonight, let me know.
Lucy, are you saying that
if left for a while it develops
a top, as it were?
I think it might. It would
curdle. It would surely curdle.
I don't know.
It is better fresh, yeah.
I'm just saying that
objectively. It must be.
My milkman's called Mr Squirrel.
Nice name for a milkman.
Is that what he told you?
"Hello, I'm Mr Squirrel."
Can I have some Humphrey stickers?
"Back off."
"Do you want to see my nuts?"
So you have a history of that,
then, Lucy.
You've had someone,
"Hello, I'm Mr Iranianfruits."
No, my milkman is...
"Hello, I'm Mr Squirrel."
..milky white pure. He wouldn't...
My milkman would never
wank in his van.
He sounds like a real gentleman.
You're really lucky.
The restraint is unbelievable.
I refuse to believe it.
Can you tell us why you're famous
amongst paramedics?
I was in labour with my first child.
I was having her at home
and the hospital promised that
a midwife would turn up.
But it was Easter.
It was just before Easter
so when we rang up they said,
"Oh, nobody can come.
"We're going to send an ambulance.
You'll have to come to the
hospital."
But there comes a point where you're
just kind of stuck to the floor
and you just... You know, you could
have a baby right here,
if this was the right point,
with all these people watching.
It's that point where you go,
"I can't get an ambulance."
I'm not going anywhere.
I'm not going anywhere. I'm here.
And this ambulance crew turned up
and they kind of talk to you in that
way, cos they're used to dealing
with crashes, so they kind of go,
"Hello, love!
"What's your name?!"
And there's a point where
you're not wearing anything,
but I had these eye patches cos
I just wanted to pretend
there was no-one else around.
So I had these eye patches.
They were leopard print.
Leopard print eye patches
on, like that,
and I was going, "Uhh!"
and they're going,
"What's your name?!"
So I'm like, "I'm Lucy,"
and all of a sudden there were
about ten men in the room
and one was just sitting on
the sofa, just hanging out.
I remember peeping out, like,
"What's going on, exactly?"
Sounds like, "Selfie!" Yeah.
And then this one guy -
he looked about 16,
kind of a spotty youth -
got his torch out
and said, "I'm going to have to
have a look down, you know,
"the business end." No.
Yes, honestly. I was thinking,
"This is not in my birth plan."
And he got a torch out and
he was shining the light
and he went,
"I've seen you in something."
It was, like, "Uh? What?"
And then, it's that point where
you have to go through your CV
but they can't quite... You're like,
"I really don't want to be...
"Was it that?" "No, it wasn't that."
"Was it that?" "No, it wasn't that."
And then, finally, we established
what it was and then...
It was like...
He thought you were Gwyneth Paltrow.
Probably.
Yeah, and then, eventually,
the midwife turned up
and she was in a really bad mood
cos she'd come off another shift.
I remember I accidentally
nudged her toe. She's like,
"You've hurt my toe!"
Midwives can't be in a bad mood.
That's the point of them.
I know, I know.
While I was going, "Uuuuh!"
Were you like, "That's really put
my pain in perspective, bitch"?
And you had it at home?
I had it at home, yeah. My husband
was trying to be funny going,
"I've picked up your poo."
Trying to lighten the mood.
I was like, "Ha-ha-ha. Yeah, great."
What had he just done? What had
you just done when...?
What was he referring to? I'd just
done a poo. Oh, I see. Right.
I'm not sure which bit of that
sentence you misunderstood?
I didn't know that was
the sort of thing people do.
He was trying to make it fun. I
didn't know... Women do often shit.
You missed quite a bit of the story
about you shitting on the floor.
In the context, that was quite
stressful. You can see
why you'd make it implicit.
And when did you regain your sight?
When did you decide
you wanted to see again?
When the child came out.
I keep doing that.
When that happened.
Then you saw the child
and put them back on.
Yeah. What happened with your second
one? Did you have it at hospital?
Yeah, because, er, yeah.
You didn't want to go
through that again?
I did. We sold our car
to pay for a private midwife,
thinking, we're not going to
all those blokes turning up again
and the paramedics,
you know what I mean?
And, then, in the end, I had to go
into hospital so that the midwife
that cost £4,000...
She can't come in the room.
Ooh, whoops.
..she's standing there like that.
Has to stand outside.
"I'll take some photos."
Yeah, that was an expensive photo.
I've got a good photo, though.
On all fours, baby's head out
like an alien, like that.
That was worth four grand.
Honestly, it's brilliant.
Brilliant. No poo in that one.
You've got about 20 children,
haven't you?
Yeah, about 20. Five.
I've got five.
And your wife... Never had a poo?
..Gawd bless her,
has never shat on the floor.
I don't think that's happened.
I'll ask her,
I've never been in. Do people
do it during caesareans?
Oh, I don't know about...
No, I doubt it, cos you're
not pushing, are you?
You're not pushing all your...
You could do it by chance
during a caesarean, couldn't you?
You could. Well, you could do
it during the caesarean. Yeah.
I'll do the shit. I can do it, Dawn.
I'll take this one.
On the floor. I'll pick it up.
I've got this one. You're having
a baby. Let me do the shit.
Her eyes, like, bulged.
Her teeth popped out,
went into Sophie Dahl's
pint of Baileys.
Bang.
About 2007 or something,
I got a part in this film, the
Sherlock Holmes, Robert Downey Jr,
Jude Law thing. I remember being
very excited to get it.
I was doing a thing where I was
touring the small scale
theatre thing and the phone rang and
they went, "You've got the part.
"You're playing the waiter
in the Sherlock Holmes thing."
I thought, "Wow, that's fantastic."
"Are you definitely available?"
"I'm definitely available."
It turned out they were filming
on a Sunday in London
and our play was in Newcastle
on Saturday night,
so I wasn't really as available
as I said, but I thought,
"I've got to go and do it."
So I got a taxi from
Newcastle to London,
which took half of my fee,
but I thought,
I've still got to do it.
It'll be exciting to go
and do this film.
There's a scene in the film,
Robert Downey Jr is,
he's your Sherlock,
and then Jude Law is Doctor Watson.
Kelly Reilly is
Doctor Watson's date.
The idea of it is that
Sherlock Holmes is sort of ruining
all their fun and they arrive
and he sort of talks over them
and there's this bit when they say,
"What should we order?"
Then the waiter, that would be me,
Jude Law goes, "Waiter,"
and when I get to the table I go,
"The gentleman's already ordered
for the table, sir."
And they're a bit sort of...
Very good. I can see why he got it.
Raw. Gentlemen... Raw power.
He's at the National now, you know?
As it happens, but it really
could have been anyone.
So we film it a couple of times.
They're doing their thing
and he goes "Waiter,"
and I come in and I go,
"The gentleman's already ordered
for the table, sir."
And he goes, "Uh-huh."
Walk away again
and it was about
the third or fourth take of it.
Guy Richie is directing it and
on the third or fourth take,
I start saying my line and
Robert Downey Jr comes in
on the end of it and starts
speaking over the end of my line.
I thought, "I probably
won't say anything."
So I go back to my mark and
"Let's go again,"
so we're going to do the scene
again. I come in,
"The gentleman's already ordered..."
"M-m-m-m." '..table sir."
So, I go back to my mark and think,
"Oh, God, I can't..."
And then, at the end of the take,
Jude Law went,
"Er, was there
a bit of overlap there?"
No-one sort of says anything.
They go, "Yeah, we're going
to go for another one'",
So, I go back to my mark and then
this sound man suddenly appears
and walks up to me and goes,
"You're talking
"when Robert's talking."
"All right, I'm just doing the line.
It's the only line I've got.
"I'm come from Newcastle for this.
"I'm just doing the line."
He goes, "I tell you what. If you
think the gap is going to be
"long enough to say the line,
say it."
I was going, "How can I guess
how long a gap is?"
Terrifying. Looking round.
I can't really logically do
what you're asking me to do.
And then he went, "You just can't
talk when he's talking,"
and then walked off.
And then I heard the voice
of Robert Downey Jr going
"What's that guy's name?"
Oh, no. What happens is,
Downey Jr goes,
"See, I can't talk when...
At the moment I'm having
a conversation with her.
"You're not part of
that conversation,
"so why don't we just now, let's
just quickly run it a few times?
"We'll make it work."
So we did it a few times
and made it work
and he goes, "OK, it works.
"That's what we need to do.
We just deal with the timing.
"Thanks very much."
Finally finished the scene. I was
thinking, God, that was absolutely
bloody terrifying.
That was a horrific moment.
I went to my trailer and they went,
"We'll come and get you in a bit."
About four hours later no-one had
come. I was trying to get out of it.
I said, "You all right?
You need me down the shot?"
"No, it's absolutely fine."
Went to the premiere,
six or seven months later
and I said to a mate of mine
who's an actor,
"You must come to this premiere
with me. I'm in this film.
"Come to the premiere."
So, I'm sitting there watching the
film and obviously my bit comes on
and I'm, "That's the bit outside
the club. Here we go. This is my...
"This is my scene."
You see Jude Law go, "Waiter"...
..and he does a look as if to go,
"Why's there no waiter come?"
And the line is not
in there whatsoever.
Then it gets to his line.
"Olli, I'm not in the film."
"You in another bit?" "I'm not in
the film. Look, there I am."
And just briefly I come in with
a bit of turkey and I go...
And that was the extent of it.
I did one, Miles, where I
was doing a thing called
Randall And Hopkirk Deceased
and Derek Jacobi was the actor
I was acting with,
but I hadn't met him
and I didn't meet him
before we did the scene.
And it was just like on "Action"
and he was in this jungle.
It was in a studio, but it was
a jungle sort of thing,
and I had to go up and I can't
remember what I said,
but it was something like, "Hello,
Professor Wainwright" or whatever,
and this is Sir Derek Jacobi
and all that,
and they went "Action".
I went up and instead of Wainwright
I said "Twainwright" or something,
so, "Hello, Professor Twainwright."
And he said, "Oh, you cunt!"
First thing he ever said to me.
That's it.
Absolutely true. "Oh, you cunt!"
I think we might have stumbled upon
a title for the show.
Oh, my God.
But these people are terrifying,
aren't they, Miles?
I hadn't met him, but it was
terrifying that I knew he was
over there somewhere.
Can you tell us, then, why you're
popular amongst celebrities
because...
Well, that wouldn't seem to suggest
how it really was.
I was at a comedy awards do
and I'd had an awful lot to drink.
Why? Do you know what?
Very easily done.
"What an extraordinary amount of
beer I've had to drink tonight."
Whatever. At which point,
I was realising this,
Sophie Dahl, the large, larger lady?
No, I'm not allowed?
No. She's tall.
She's a tall lady.
Plus-sized icon.
Yeah. She reared up near me. Good
save. Thank you. What was that one?
Plus-sized icon.
Yeah, plus-sized icon.
Although you then did
have her "rearing up"...
Grr.
Can you help me with the rearing up?
She popped up beside me.
Surprised me, yeah,
out the corner of my ar...
My ar?
My arse.
Out of the corner of my arse.
That would have been a surprise,
wouldn't it?!
Get out of me. Sophie! Get out!
You're so tall. Great.
Sophie, erm, she said something
in the area of, like,
"Would you like to buy a motor?"
She just, like, do you know
what I mean? She hit me, bang,
with her size and her...
What do I call it? Plus-sized icon.
Heft. With her plus-sized
iconicism and now a bang.
Heft. Heft. With her heft. Curves!
I'm glad you said that, Lu.
Beauty, her heft, her curves,
all that stuff.
Voluptuousness.
No, it was remarkable
and it sent me,
on a journey in drink
that was to what...
Stumbling?
Stumbling towards
a low-ish banister,
glass, chrome
and I didn't know what was
the other side it.
But Cilla Black was
there in the middle.
So I had either go over the banister
or break my fall with Cilla Black.
I remember going towards...
Kind of remember it.
I don't know if I remember it,
but I remember that area,
but I was going towards her.
She was the only thing...
Cos it was quite scary.
You don't know what's beyond
banisters, do you?
Any builder will tell you,
"You don't know what's
beyond a banister, Bob."
So, I went towards it and I think
I can kind of remember it was
a choice between Cilla's face... Oh.
..or Cilla's tit.
And I think I made the right
decision cos I went for the tit.
So I broke my fall
on Cilla's tit.
Oh, she loved it.
No! I don't mean it that way.
I mean her eyes, like, bulged.
Her teeth...
Her teeth popped out,
went into Sophie Dahl's
pint of Baileys.
Bang!
I remember I was left
with my hand
and look at, "Cilla. Fuck.
Oh, whoa."
Like that and taking it off
and I can't say this,
she's always drunk, Cilla.
She's what? Always drunk.
Always drunk, right.
I'll rephrase that one.
She's not good in the mornings,
Alan.
She's usually sat next to
Wanky Bill out in the...
Like, "Surprise, surprise.
"Come on, Bill."
But, like, it was like...
So, I went, bang, and I really was
quite conscious, like,
"Cilla Black's tit."
Bang. It felt like a sleeping
rabbit, something like that.
You know what I mean?
Furry? She's got... They're furry?
That sort of consistency.
Do you know, like, memory foam?
I've got a pillow like that.
Yeah, memory foam.
Now I won't be able to lie on it
without thinking of...
Oh, the dreams you'll have now.
So, yeah, but I don't know if that
ties in with saying celebrities...
Well, what I've been told is that
you're popular amongst
celebrities, but I've seen nothing so
far...
So, you're, like, IN celebrities.
You're rude about their size
or you attack them, Bob.
If I had a buzzer, I'd say "No".
A memory foam boob. It's a lie.
Now we need to think of a title
for the programme.
Titting Up Cilla.
Titting up Cilla Black.
It has to be.
What about something with
Wanky Bill in it?
Yeah.
Watch Out, Wanky Bill's About.
That's instead of a Humphrey,
you see?
You'd run a lot faster from
Wanky Bill, wouldn't you, though?
"I'll catch ya!"
Aargh!
"You cunt!" I still need to...
We can't call it You Cunt.
That is the winner,
but we can't, obviously.
Imagine that in the Sky planner
when you're going,
"I wonder what's on Dave tonight?"
You Cunt, hosted by Alan Davies.
Titting up Cilla
is very hard to resist.
That's what we've been told.
Put like that...
Yeah, put like that.
Ladies and gentlemen, please
join me in thanking all my guests.
Miles Jupp.
Russell Kane.
Bob Mortimer...
..and Lucy,
Lucy Montgomery.
I've been Alan Davies.
Thank you very much.
You have been watching
Watch Out, Wanky Bill's About.
Subtitles by Ericsson