Alan Davies: As Yet Untitled (2014–…): Season 3, Episode 1 - I Have Been Fingered by Captain Kirk - full transcript

Right, I've got to do that thing
where I undo my buckle now when I'm
in the car, so I loosen the belt...

I've got to do it really
like no one's spotting it.
You're not filming this,are you?

I'm on the guest list, sorry, you
might have to queue a bit longer...

Shut up!

It's a bit nerve-wracking, it's a bit
like arriving for a school disco.

So I think what I'm going to do is
what I used to do at school discos
and head straight for the crisps.

You almost hit the lamppost! Yeah.

Can that be my thing?
That's probably my thing.

APPLAUSE

Hello, I'm Alan Davies
and this is As Yet Untitled.

It's just me and four guests
having a bit of a chinwag,



we will try
during the course of conversation
to come up with a title for the show,

that's our sole ambition, and
actually it's proving, so far this
series, harder than you might think.

Please will you welcome
my four guests.

Thank you very much.

APPLAUSE

Here they are.

Marvellous, let's meet them all.

We've got Katherine Jakeways here.

Katherine Jakeways is a master of
making a good impression in meetings

and had a leading part in the
Manchester Youth Theatre Nativity
production.

Katherine Jakeways, ladies and gents.

Lee Mac,
fantastic to have Lee Mac here.

Lee Mac who went out of his way
to ignore Stevie Wonder

and is still sorry about that
wing mirror on the Ford Anglia.



Lee Mac is with us.

Olivia Lee, welcome, Olivia.

Olivia is very protective
of damp patches and her nan
is always there for her. Yes.

And Nick Helm...
Nick Helm who has suffered
from an almond-related paralysis.

Nick Helm, ladies and gentlemen.

I am sorry about the way I said
damp pa...

You really enjoyed saying it,
didn't you?

I sort of went for the first P...

It's adjoining Ps, aren't they?
And they're quite hard to say.

It's quite rare. I thought
you were trying to explain
why she's got damp patches,

you were going,
"Well, I went for the first pee
and I missed your toilet."

And she's got adjoining Ps
all over her trousers.

Are these seats waterproof?

That hasn't been tested.

I think everyone's looking at me
with rather strange eyes, thinking,
"She protects damp patches"?

Protect, cos I had to say,
"protective of damp patches".

Yeah. Lots of Ps. You couldn't do
that if you were a ventriloquist.

I couldn't, I can't do
"venchiloquist". Impossible...

You can't even say it!
I can't even say that.

Do you know what...?

I can't help thinking if you're a
ventriloquist and your catchphrase
is "protective of damp patches",

that you've not properly
established the genre.

You've only got yourself to blame!

You've not fully bought
into what it's about,

An incontinent dummy
might be quite a good act.
Actually, that would be good.

If you could avoid it
sitting on your lap! Yeah!

Every night, "Oh, come on!"

I'm going to write that down,
I think that's a really good idea.
Make a note of that,

Incontinent Dummy might be the title,
we might have cracked it!

We could actually leave!

It would be a real edge
to have the dummy sort of going...

there's always someone
on the front row, isn't there?

"I don't like the way she's looking
at me on the front row,"

and then just,
"I think I'm going to piss on you!"

I've done it again.

I've done it again.

I can see that
on Britain's Got Talent.

Sat at home in front
of the mirror going,
"I shat myself...shat myself..."

Of course it would, it's harder
to say piss than shit
as a ventriloquist, isn't it?

You can't...

He'd probably realise that and go
"I pi...I pi...I'm shitting myself."

I think it's easier say "shit
yourself". Soiled? "Shit yourself".

Soiled would be OK. I made a mess.

I think soiled is worse.

Made a mess, that's the polite way
of saying it.

Ms are hard, aren't they?

Mmmm-hmmm...

If your dummy had like gaffer tape
over its mouth, then it could be
like "mmm-hmm" like you were like...

So the whole act is...

The whole act is you've kidnapped
the dummy...
The dummy's been kidnapped.

And he's tied to a chair,
he doesn't even need to move...

He shits himself...
And he shits himself.

You have to be quite patient
to be a ventriloquist though, it's
one of those, like beinga magician.

Like how much time do you have
to spend on your own in a room...
Loads.

..Just going, "hmmmm". Loads,
but I spend a lot of time on my own
in a room anyway, so...Oh, really?

I might as well be getting a career
out of it...
Trying to be a ventriloquist?

Have you got any additional skills?

No.
I mean, I can't believe I'm here!

I've got very far on very little...
Do you not like people, then?

Did you used to be terrible
at job interviews? Yeah,
I'm terrible at job interviews.

Why, is there a job on offer?

This is a job interview!

I tell you, I did, I had a job
interview at the Lyric Theatre,

and my dad's one of them people that
has got like no end of belief in me.

He used to cut out job interviews
and stuff,

and he suggested that I go for
a job interview at the Lyric Theatre
as Head of Education...

but I'd just gone through, I'd just
gone through, been going through
a really bad break-up atthe time,

and I was in... I'd hit rock bottom
basically as a human being.

And I went in for this interview,
I was wearing my dad's trousers
cos I didn't...

it's like every time
I looked at my dad...
Outside in his car in his pants...

Every time I looked at...

"Go on, son!"
"I've got no end of belief in you!"

But like every time my dad...
Were you the same size?

No, no... Please tell me
you were the same size.

He's significantly shorter than me.

Oh, no! They're his lucky pants.

But every time you'd see him leave
the house you'd go, "You're not
going out wearing that, are you?"

and then I just panicked and
I ended up wearing his clothes...

which I already knew, on record,
were the worse clothes ever.

And I went in
and basically they just said,
"Why do you want the job?"

And I was just like,
"Oh, er, I don't know,
I don't know, I don't know why..."

I mean... Why not?

I mean, my last job went bust...

I mean, I used to have to have
my own company, I don't think
it was all my fault, butyou know...

I was just really honest, and I just
sort of crumbled into the ground,

I couldn't make eye contact
and I came out,

and I didn't get the job
which was... Oh, no!

..Hit me quite hard.
Did your dad get the job?

My dad got the job, that's right.

He's currently Head of Education.
He's Head of Education
at the Lyric Theatre, just mental.

So, Olivia, can we...? Yes... We'd
better get through the damp patches.

Oh, please we must do,
to save my reputation,
cos it's not as bad as it sounds.

Talking of jobs, actually,
one of my first proper jobs
when I was at university,

I was really struggling financially,
and a friend of mine was working as
a letting agent, an estate agent,

and she said,
"Oh, you go in you show
these properties at the weekend,

"you make loads of commission,"

I was like,
"All right, then, I'll do it."

And I went and met the guy
who owned the company.

It was this tiny room in Camden
and he didn't even advertise
the properties,

there weren't any pictures of them,
he'd just put these adverts
in the local paper.

People would phone up
and you'd just meet them there,
really unsafe, thinking back now,

and he said to me, you know,
"When you go to the property,"
he said,

"If there's any damp patches,
and there might be,
I'm not saying that there are,

"but if there are,
just stand in front of them..."

And I was like young
and I wanted to impress,

cos I'm thinking of all the money
you can make on the commission,

I had no idea about this business,

and he said, "Just stand
in front of the damp patch,
don't move so they don'tsee it."

I know this sounds awful like...
I'm sure the guy's not in business
any more.

So I show my first property and I go
on and, lo and behold, there's this
huge damp patch just as we walk in.

So I run over
and I stand in front of it,

and it's like a one-bedroom flat,
you know,

and they're looking around
the lounge and I'm in front
of the damp patch,

and they're looking at me like,
"This girl's a bit weird," and they
said, "Can we see the other rooms?"

I'm like, "Sure go and have a look,"
thinking,
"I can't leave the damppatch."

So they like go in the bedroom
and they're asking me questions,
you know, "Is it furnished?"

And I'm shouting in front
of the damp patch, "I'm not sure,
you'll have to ask the agent!"

And they just walked out...

and I was left standing
in front of the damp patch,
and I went back to the office,

and he was very unimpressed,
the guy.

But just to give you an idea of the
people who worked at this company,

their company ethos was,
you take a deposit on the spot,

so if someone is interested
in the property, you go,

"I need the deposit now cos
someone else is going to take it,

"it's going to be gone
in ten minutes."

And you drive them to the cash point
and you take the deposit,

and at that point I left,
I thought, "I don't know if morally
I approve of this." Well done!

It was at that point you left rather
than the bit when he told you to
stand in front of the damp patches.

That would have been my...

They must have thought I was
insane, they were asking questions
about the flat,

and I thought it was my job
as an estate agent just
to stand in front, open the door

and stand in front of
the damp patch. Come what may!

"Is it a washer-dryer?" "Yes!"

What if there were damp patches
in the other rooms?

Well, I don't know, I didn't get to
see cos I was protecting the one...

Why not put some posters
on the damp patches?
What if it's on the ceiling?

What if...?

It must be awkward being an
estate agent with the name Olivia,

cos you must open the door
and go, "I live here," "Oh, sorry!"

You just see them fly off
in the distance like that...

Now, Lee, tell me about this Ford
Anglia and the wing mirror.

Yes, you know an anecdote's
from the past if you're talking
about Ford Anglias...!Yeah.

I used to work...

I used to work at the stables
of Red Rum... Did you?

..when I was a little 16-year-old
boy. Really?
Yeah, the first job Ihad.

Red Rum had retired at this point.

This is in, where were you? In
Southport, my home town Southport.

Basically what had happened,
I got thrown out of college.

I thought, "I'd better do something
with my life."

I literally put the telly on,
horse racing was on,

and I thought, "That's the only
sport you can get involved with,
when you're 16 and stillmake it."

I was naive,
I thought it's not hard.

It's actually the most difficult
sport in the world.

You didn't want to be jockey because
you're not short enough, are you?

At the time I was quite small
and National...
Did you want to be a horse?

Nick, I am!

Oh!

I'm joking, I've got
a really tiny penis, but, em...

Even better!

Basically, I go to work
at the stables of Red Rum.

Now Red Rum
at this point has retired,
and I'm bottom rung of the ladder,

I'm never riding these horses
I'm just shovelling shit all day,
it's a...

there's one job they gave me,
was to give the horses a walk.

And as I'm sure we're all aware
a horse's penis retracts
into the body.

Yeah. I wasn't aware of that, thank
you for... Where d'you think they're
going? They're not all female.

I just thought they flapped around
while they're...

That would be very awkward
over the fencing.

He got over the fence
but his penis didn't make it!

And so I would take these horses
for a walk and occasionally,
for no reason at all,

a horse would get aroused,
apart from the fact perhaps
I was molesting it...and...

Oh, my God!

But horses just get aroused
for no reason, as if I'd...
cos men don't do that, do they?

And, er...

Is it every time you walk by?
It's always me.

Yeah, it's like the boss said to me,
"Stop dressing
as a pony in suspenders!"

Like when Bugs Bunny's a girl?
You were like a pony
but with big eyelashes,yeah...

With a little lipstick on...

But the horse would get aroused,
and of course the stables
I worked at didn't have a gallops,

it was quite famous for the fact
it was trained on the beach.

So you had to walk round pretty much
a High Street with these horses,

there was a lot of traffic
and stuff,

and this horse, as would often
happen, got aroused and started
flapping around like left to right,

with the stride
it flaps left to right...

But then back again? You know
what I'm talking about, Alan?

It must be uncomfortable for him.
With kids in the street presumably
and...?

Oh, the kids were being knocked out!

Wafted, being wafted into doorways!

You just see them fly off
in the distance like that...

Did you have that sense of pride
trotting down the High Street
with that horse? A little bit.

It would be good if it was timed
perfectly with a naughty child.

"Don't make me..."

"Did that one for you, mate!"

And it did take the wing mirror
off a Ford Anglia. Well...

I should point out, I should
point out, it didn't literally take
the whole thing off,

but it did enough to damage
the Ford Anglia with the...

and I panicked and just ran off.
You didn't leave a note?

You didn't stop and say...?

I didn't. I don't think you're
covered for that kind of thing
on your insurance,

I wouldn't have thought...
That's a hell of a conversation,
"Is that Admiral?

"Yeah, the usual thing..."

"You wouldn't believe what
happened?" Aroused horse again.
Southport?

Oh, yeah, Red Rum territory.

An act of rod...

AW!

Fuck yourselves, seriously,
go and fuck yourselves!

That's a title!

Go Fuck Yourselves,
that's what you should call it.

Can you never look at a wing
mirror in the same way?

I can't look at horse's cock any
more. Do you tuck your wing mirrors
in at night now?

I think that's probably part
of the reason... Do you do that?

You know the thing where your car
brings the wing mirrors in?

I probably do it more than most.

You never know...
Taping the wing mirrors down...

..When a random erection
will knock the wing mirror off...

and then I'll pull over with my wife
and I'll do it
in the middle of a country lane.

She says, "You don't need to do that
in a country lane!"

"This is exactly where
it's going to happen!" Was there
anyone in the Anglia at the time?

I just ran, I don't know.
Would have been great... Oh, my God!

A massive cock coming past.

I think I'm right in saying in
Harry Potter that is a Ford Anglia
that flies, isn't it?

Yes, I think it is.

So I can't look at it the same way
cos every time they're flying,

and there's dragons trying
to get to them and everything,
I say, "That's nothing!"

You wait till the real enemy comes!

When the dragon gets an erection
and hits one...

You think you got a one, mate...

Wait till that thing comes along
and knocks Weasley out the car!

There's a disgusting thing
about horses that they probably
won't use in the programme,

I certainly hope not!

I was doing some writing for the
radio with a couple of other people,

and two of us got to the office
early... Yeah?

And the other lad wasn't there yet,
so we're waiting,

and we had sort of looking at his...
cos he kind of did all the typing,

we're looking at the computer,
"What's he got on here?"

And there's a few things on there,
little icons on the thing,

and one of them said "Horse Gag",
and we thought,
"This'll be a joke, right?"

something about horses,
so we clicked on it...

Voom! This picture came up
with a horse with an erection
and a young woman...

Oh, that's so gross!

We thought we were going to see
a joke about horses. Horse Gag!

He's doing this in a busy office
with other people in the office?

Talk about not suitable for work,
you know...

I'm sorry, Alan,
you've completely confused me.

What part of the story
don't you think's going to get
on television?

There was nothing from the horse,
nothing like, "Here I come!"

nothing at all...

Is that what you say?

"Here I come." "Here I come!"

That would be great!

"Here I come!"

Giddy-up! Ah, there I went!

Sorry.

Too late.

I'm so sorry. I don't know what...

I don't know what I'm doing. Nick?
What are we talking about?

It's almost as if I want the show
to end... I haven't heard one thing.

It's like I'm trying to sabotage
my own show...

Katherine, why not tell us about
being in the Nativity production
at the Manchester Youth Theatre?

That must be a clean story?

Yes, it's clean, it's quite clean
actually. Until it gets to the bit
about the donkey...

So when I was at university...
I was at university in Sheffield,

and so I went one summer
to Manchester and spent the summer
doing the Manchester Youth Theatre.

And the group that I was in
was doing the performance,
the public performance,

which is, you know, quite cool,
in Manchester Cathedral,

and so because we were doing it
in the Cathedral,

the play that we did was a sort of,
I mean it was, the Nativity bit
was part of a mysteryplay.

The Mystery, I think there's a thing
called The Mystery Play, medieval...
Yes. The Mystery Plays.

You know all about it...
and I play the part of death...

Yeah...I was never going
to get laid. In the Nativity?

In the Nativity, I know,
it's an odd one, isn't it?
Do you mean with the whole thing?

Proper Bill and Ted's Grim Reaper,
yeah, cloak, scythe...
In the Nativity?

There's a better reference than
Bill and Ted for the Grim Reaper!

I don't know one, I don't know one.
So anyway I was death.

Now, end of August in 1997,
I don't know if you heard about
this, but Princess Diana died.

Oh! You could have broken it
to us more gently than that!

Yes, sorry...

Sorry, sorry to tell you...

But anyway, in all the cathedrals
around the land,

I don't know if you knew but there
was a bit of outpouring of grief,

floral tributes, condolence books,
etc, in all the Cathedrals.

The day we did our dress rehearsal
was the main day where literally
the whole of Manchester turned up,

it felt like, winding round the
Cathedral, queuing up to sign this
condolence book, saying a prayer,

having a quite moment,
remembering...

And in comes...

..Remembering Lady Di, and suddenly,
"Excuse me, we're just going to do
a dress rehearsal

"for a show that's on later,"

here I come with my fucking scythe
dressed as the grim reaper.
"You bastards!"

And I had to do a speech about
how when you die there's nothing,
it's all worms...

Oh, my God!
Nothing, you will come to nothing.

I mean, there was a big meeting
before I went out to do this speech,

I was quite young at the time, about
whether it was OK to send me out
to do this in front of this crowd,

tough crowd... Definitely not.
But I did.

At that age I was just knocking Ford
Anglia's wing mirrors of with a...

Horse's cock. Different start.

But you worked...you went a different
route because you were a Redcoat
or a something, weren't you?

Bluecoat. Get it right, Alan.
Bluecoat. Sorry.

Redcoats Catholic,
bluecoats Protestant. OK.

What's bluecoats? Not Butlins?
Then what...?

Redcoats are Butlins,
Bluecoats are Pontins.

Pontins, of course.

Yellowcoats, Maplins. Maplins
..Which isn't a real place.
Don't get confused.

It doesn't help,
it was always confusing anyway
before that came along.

Did you come to a sticky end?

I wasn't there, nothing
to do with me! Not a moment for you
to stand in front of anything.

I did, I did, yes, I got sacked
for swearing on stage.

Swearing, pretty fierce swearing,
I understand. Which swear word?

I used the "C" word. The main one.
You know, bearing in mind...
To someone in the audience?

Yeah, oh, yeah. Why?

Otherwise I'd just be on me own!

You can't get sacked for swearing
on your own, can you?

It's not that strict!
With a ventriloquist.

"Someone went past your chalet the
other day, you were on the toilet,

"and we heard someone go 'Fucking
hell!' Get out you're sacked!"

You're allowed to swear on your own.

What I'm trying to ascertain is did
someone heckle you and you went...?

Did someone heckle me?
Yeah, there was a bit...

And you just took it badly?

It was my first ever go at stand-up,
so I wouldn't recall it heckling
so much just...

I'll tell you exactly what I did...
Your first ever go at stand-up?

The thing is when you start off
in stand-up you do...

you make all the mistakes,
you hear about these things
you're supposed to do.

I remember... That's my entire
act...calling people...

Where you really shout
at the audience...

There's some stock put-downs,
this isn't what I did at Pontins,
but there's some stock put-downs.

When you start out if you're
panicking you sort of rely on them
when perhaps you shouldn't.

The famous one that everyone uses
in stand-up is

"The idea of heckling is to make me
look stupid not the other way
round," and it always works.

I remember doing a gig, my third or
fourth gig, and I said to someone in
the front row, "Where are you from?"

And he said Sheffield and
I couldn't think of anything to say,

so I went "The idea of heckling
is to make me look stupid
not the other way around,"

and he went, "But you asked me
where I was from,"
and I went "Oh, yeah!"

I was rubbish, it's just like...

And then you called him
the "C" word?

No, that was a different person
who was getting on my nerves. Oh,
right. How old were you?A teenager?

Well, that was my first go at
stand-up, I was probably 18 or 19,

but then I didn't do it till my
mid-20s, it was like a little...

I was drunk,
I thought "I'll give it a go,"
cos I had an opportunity,

I had a mic...
Yeah. The bloke who usually hosted
the show wasn't doing it.

Did you use the "C" word in context
or did you call somebody...?

Right, the story was this...

I was at Pontins, right, I got...

Every week the comics at Pontins
share jokes around, right?

They do the same gags every week and
they just share them round, and say,

"Did he do that one,
did he do that?"

So I just grew up with a culture
that you didn't have to write
your own material.

So some bloke said, "All you got
to do is use their jokes, they're
using each other's jokesanyway."

"So say to someone,
'Where are you from?'

"If he says Scotland, just say,
'Who paid for your holiday?'

or if they say Wales
make a noise like a sheep,"
really rubbish gags, right.

So that's what I did, I went out...
They're quite good.
You can have that!

but the reason why they did it was
because it was a holiday camp that
was very near, or in, near Kent,

it was in Norfolk but a lot
of people from Kent would go.

So all the time when you say,
"Where are you from?"

they'd say Kent, and you'd say,
"What did you call me?"

And it used to get a big cheer.

And that's what the comics
were looking for every week

to hear the word Kent,
so they could do that joke.

So I thought, "I'll just do that,"
and I'd had loads to drink and
I got on stage and I just said...

bearing in mind
I'd never done stand-up...

and I go, "Where you from?"

and the bloke goes Scotland,
and I forget what the joke
is for Scotland...

..and I go blank,
and I go, "Where are you from?"

and he goes Wales,
and at this point I start panicking
and I go, "Anyone here from Kent?"

And this bloke went, "Me".

And then I went,
"Well, then you're a cunt!"

And because of that I got the sack.

I wasn't expecting this level...
Did you have doubts?

I used to work in a pub...
and my favourite drink is amaretto.

And...but we'd never sell
any amaretto, but we'd get through
a lot of amaretto everyweek...

and they'd go, "We get through a
lot of amaretto but it's not seeming
to come up on the tills, Nick,

"what's going on?"

And I'd go, "Yeah? I don't know
what you're talking about."

I drank a lot of amaretto...

That's an alm...
It's an almond liqueur...
Would you call it a liqueur?

Is it quite thick?

It is, it's quite thick and syrupy
and...

Well,
Disaronno is the preferred drink,

but that's not officially
an amaretto...

it's an amaretto-style drink.

Oh, right...

All these years!

Yeah, it's not actually,
it's not an actual official entry
into the amaretto family.

This is the most middle-class bit
of gossip I've ever heard!

I love an amaretto.
So I drink amaretto and Coke.

Oh, and Coke?

I mean, it's a miracle
I haven't got diabetes and...
With ice and a slice?

No, I drink it... No, I just drink
it just straight with ice,
amaretto over ice.

Were you allowed to be drinking
when you were a barman?

No, no! I did the same.

Was it on an optic?
Or was it on a little...?

No, it wasn't on an optic.
You'd kind of like measure it out,

but what I'd do is
I'd work in the bar,
and then I'd finish my shift at 7,

so I'd do 11 till 7 and then
I'd sit on the other side of
the bar and spend all my wages.

And so I drank so much amaretto
one night...

and I woke up the next day
and I couldn't walk,

like my legs didn't work,
but they didn't...not like...

Had you pay your bar tab?

No, I hadn't paid my bar tab...
"And I was covered in bruises"?
And I was covered in bruises...

..and the mattress
was covered in blood.

No, I couldn't walk...

but not like...I was all by myself,
so I wasn't really putting it on,
do you know what I mean?

It wasn't like...
do you know what I mean?

That would be pathetic!

You know,
if there's someone there and you're
trying to get out of something,

and you go "Do you know what?
I can't...there's no...
I can't walk...but..."

You do do that
when you phone in sick, don't you?

When you phone in sick and go,
"Ugh, I'm ill,"

and you put the phone down,
you sort of carry it on a bit
when you're on your own...

You go, "I am a bit..." you
can believe it, start to believe it.

You could have been faking it
but believing it. Yeah, yeah.

I had to like pull myself across
the ground like arm over arm
to get to the phone to phone in,

and say, "I can't walk,
there's no way I'm getting in..."

But why did you think it was
amaretto...it was a hangover
rather than actually almond related.

I wasn't hung-over.
I don't suffer from hangovers.
I find that, I find thatoffensive.

I've built up my tolerance...

actually, like a proper man!

I've never heard a man
in so much denial about alcoholism.

I'm allergic to almonds!

I never said I was allergic
to almonds, right,

I never said I was allergic to
almonds... Were your ankles swollen
as well?

I wasn't expecting this level...

Did you have gout?

I don't know what it was.

It may have had absolutely nothing
to do with it,

but everyone seemed to think
it was alcohol-related,

and I was kind of like,
"No, I don't think it is,
I think I've just woken up,

"and I'm probably paralysed,
actually." Have you drunk it since?

Yeah, I drink it all the time.
And that's not happened again?

I've never drank it to that level,
but I think I really went through
the looking glass with that one.

I drank a lot of...
a lot of amaretto that night,

and I think the main thing I
probably learnt from that is always
mix it with other drinks, you know,

have a break...
have a break, have a wine.

But I thought liqueurs that...

I mean, amaretto seems like
such a beautiful-sounding,
you know, nice liqueur,

I mean, tequila I'd understand...

You can knock it back as well,
it's amazing, it doesn't really
taste alcoholic, but...

That's like Archers
and lemonade, I always liked
that when I used to workin a bar,

Archers and lemonade, but I never
thought I had a peach intolerance.

Someone had to take me
to the doctor's. What did they say?

They helped me into the car,
they drove me to the thing...
You say someone, who was it?

It was the guy that I worked with...
So you rang him?

I rang work...
Was he still at work?

..And then they sent this guy,
like they didn't believe me!
And did the doctor whenyou...

Like the fixer, like Harvey Keitel?

So they put me in the car...
"It's almonds, get in the car!"

Did the doctor say,
"Oh, I've seen this before"?

Here we go, "This is almond...yeah!"
Why does your breath smell
of almonds?

How long where you paralysed for,
then?

About 45 minutes.

It might have been cramp.
By the time he got there with the
car, then it became a performance...

because...
Then you had to keep it up.

You don't want
to waste anyone's time, so...

Tell me now...how on earth do you
make a good impression in meetings,
then?

Is that that surprising?

Yeah. Really surprising?

So, yes, I'm referring to a
particular meeting that I went to.

When I was youngish,

it was one of the first times
I'd been at a sort of, felt like
a reasonably important meeting...

with a sort of person from a
television company... You're trying
to get a job as an actress?

It was more trying to sell myself
as somebody
who might write TV programmes,

you know how it is...

Do you know what?
I would have done anything?

I was going to a production company
and just... We've all been there!
Yeah, we've all been there!

I was probably 24, 25... Oh, here?
We're here now!

I feel very much the same today!

If someone rings me up and asks me
to be there, it's normally a yes.

So on this occasion
it was the same thing,

so it was the first time
I'd had a sort of...
it felt like an important meeting.

So I went to this production
company, office all very cool,

sitting in a small room
just me and this guy,

we were having a chat, it felt
like it was going quite well,

and then about halfway through
the guy...

we sat either side of a table
in a really quite small room,

and he started doing this...
and he was sort of doing that
with his nose.

I thought, "That's a bit weird
but I'm not confident enough
to say anything..."

He was doing that with his nose
and his hand? Yeah, rubbing his nose
with his hand like that.

And he sort of sat there
like that...

sat there like that, and I
thought, I don't know him well
enough to say what's hedoing,

but he's doing something odd
with his nose,

I'm not going to say anything,
maybe it's a TV producer thing.

So I left the meeting, walking
to the tube, sort of thinking,
"Oh, felt like it went quite well,

"we talked about
some quite interesting things..."

and my friend rang up,
and it was my agent,

and she said, "I've just had a call
from the producer you just met,

"and he said he's sorry if he was
acting a bit weird in the meeting,

"but for the last 20 minutes
of the meeting, your boob was out."

Can you imagine?

So he'd basically, he'd been sitting
there like that and obviously my...

He didn't tell you to put it away?

He didn't say anything.
Which is the normal thing to do...
How's that helping?

He must've thought
it would have been embarrassing
cos he was covering his view.

How's that going to help?

So you're sitting there...

He should have used his hand
like that and gone...

He could have gone like that.

Yeah,
it was a similar thing to that,

so he was holding it like that
and basically...

you're there,
and he was hiding his view of it.
He was actually being quite sweet.

Not as sweet as saying,
"Can you put your boob away?"

No, because
that would have been mortifying.

Not as mortifying...
then why did he tell your agent?

You were on the tube
with your tit out!

Just out of interest...everyone
on the tube was like that...

Everybody's noses are a bit weird
today. I don't know what's going on.

Yeah, literally...
Right through London with...
20 minutes of the meeting.

Went and bought a packet of crisps
afterwards...

He let you out into the world with
your tit... Well, I think by that...
How was it out?

I was sort of wearing a shirt
that was open but I had...
Were you wearing a boob tube?

It's similar
to what I'm wearing today.

Did you think that he was thinking
maybe that you'd done it
provocatively to get the job?

Well, that was the awful thing,
I was a young...

Just the one tit! ..Sort of,
you know, actress trying to get...

If it had been the one tit he would
have just done that, wouldn't he?

That's the system,
right tit, left tit, both tits.

Well, it was only one, I think.

The left one. It wasn't both,
it was just the one.

If you do that, it means
you're having a proper look.

I see no ships!

And if you do that
it means they're really good!

You should have emailed him and said,
"During the meeting I didn't
like to say anything at the time,

"but your cock was out."

Sitting on the table like that.

In fact, to stop myself seeing that
I got my tit out to block the view.

It's the only way I can avoid
staring you in the helmet.

So, Olivia,
I want to know about your nan,
what's so special about your nan?

Oh, God, my nan! I love her dearly.
Is this your mum's mum
or your dad's mum? My mum's mum.

Typical Jewish grandmother,
when I was single it was like,
"You haven't met anyone yet?"

I'd go round and that'd be
the first thing she'd say,

she didn't want to talk
about anything else,
then I finally meet someone,

and I think the pressure
is going to be off me.
"You not married yet?"

So we finally get engaged,
and now every time I go round there
she goes, "You're not pregnant yet?"

So it was one thing after another.

Anyway,
it was just before Valentine's
and I went over to see her,

again she goes,
"You're not pregnant yet?"

And I said, "Well, we're not...
you know, if it happens, it happens.

"It's not like we're really,
you know, going for it"

And she started panicking,
"What, you don't have sex?"

This is my grand...and I said,
"We do, it's just a bit awkward..."

She goes,
"What underwear do you wear?
Maybe he doesn't fancy you enough."

And I said,
"No, everything is fine."

So she started panicking,
she went, "Well, what do you wear?

"Come on, tell me, we're friends,
don't see me as your grandmother!"

and then she always said to me,
"I bet you can't talk to your mother
like this!"

She likes it,
she likes to be the one that
I can have these conversations with.

What age is this little old...?

She's 90. She's 90 years old.

So anyway I said to her,
I thought I'll wind her up a bit,

I said, "I just wear these
like white short-type things,

"but I've had them for ages, they're
not always white." She went "Oh...!

"You are not related to me!"

She went, "Right, it's Valentine's!

"You cannot wear
those vacrimpta vacartha knickers!"

So she goes running,
this is all like Yiddish...

So she runs upstairs,
I can hear her rummage around...
"Where are they? Where are they?"

Then she shuffles down the stairs
and she's got something
behind her back,

she's like,
"I've got something for you,
you can wear them on Valentine's!"

And I said,
"All right, then, what are they?"

And she brings out
these old black lacy knickers...

Oh! And she's so proud of them,
she goes, "Ta-da!"

And I said...

and they're huge...
I've got a picture of it, actually.

I should have brought my phone,
it's in my bag...

and I said, "What...what do you want
me to do with those?"

She's like, "Wear them, you idiot!"
Were they hers?

I'm like,
"They're your old knickers." She
goes, "Don't worry, they're clean,

"I haven't worn them since 1987."

When she was 70 or something? Yeah.

And I said, "You kept them?"

She said,
"I was keeping them for you.
I've got a few more if you like..."

And I said,
"No, it's quite all right!"

And I thought at this point,
the only thing I can do is go along
with it, just for my ownsanity.

So I went, "Do you know what?
I'm going to wear them."

She's like, "Oh, thank God, take
them, let me know how it goes."

And I said, "I'll do just that."

I'm crying with laughter, and
then she calls me the next morning,

like 7 o'clock in the morning,
the phone goes, and I answer it

and you can hear really loudly,
like my other half is sitting
next to me and all you hear

is this, "Well?!

"Well?"

And I said, "Yep," and she went,
"Ah, brilliant, he like them?"

And I said, "He loved them!"
And she's like,
"Oh! Maybe there'll be a baby!"

Wow!

And that...

I've got a picture of her, she's in
her housecoat, she's like, you know,
the grandpa in Steptoe, you know.

The house is full of junk,
a little council house
she's lived in all herlife.

She's got her housecoat on and
it's got stains on and she's got
all like chipped nail polish,

she hasn't even got her teeth in,

but she's holding up these knickers
and her little fingers
are out like that...

Oh, like a QVC presenter!
And she's like...

Just think how much worse that story
could have been, though... I know.

A big strap-on!

"I haven't had it on since 1987!

"It's all right...look,
it has little buckles at the back,
it'll be fine!"

She loves to talk to me about...
er...

..sex all the time.

Does she talk to your boyfriend
about it as well?

if he comes round does he get the...
she's, "Oh, he's very handsome,"
she kind of looks at him...

But she says,
"You know, sex isn't..."

because she only had sex with...

she cannot watch this, she's 90,
I want her to live a lot longer,
she'll hate me...

And, you know, she's only ever had
sex with one person, which
to me is unfathomable, you know...

What a loser!

What a fucking loser!

And she, no, she says to me, "Your
grandpa wasn't very good, you know,
sex isn't supposed to be good.

"You let him do his thing
and he rolls over, then you do it."

But, anyway, has that made you feel
quite sick to the stomach?

I genuinely feel a bit sick.

What's the thing
that makes you feel sick?

The idea that other people
are having sex and not me.

He did the impression himself,
you know...

He does do the impression,
that's the weird thing!

Doing it himself,
he was going, "Thanks, man..."

Lee? Yeah? Can you tell me how...
I mean, ignoring Stevie Wonder...

it's quite straightforward, really,
isn't it? As a rule?

Keep shtum, take your heels off,
you'll be all right.

It's hard when we're both
in the same Morris dancing club.

You can hear me wherever I go,
it's like blind football.

It's a bells joke.

But no, what it was was I did...

I was lucky enough a couple
of years ago to do the Jubilee
concert at Buckingham Palace...

Oh, yes. It was mainly skill.
And, er...

They were like Pontins.

I didn't do the Pontins material...
Anyone from Kent?

The Queen in the Royal box going,
"If he says 'Where are you from?'

"'don't say Kent!
I know where he's going with it."

Is the Duchess of Kent in?

The Duke's in Kent...

Sorry.

Imagine that! "The Duchess of Kent's
in the house!"

And everyone's going... Leave it!

So there was like about
six or seven comics who did little
hosting bits throughout the show,

and it was the most starry thing
I've ever done,

Elton John, Stevie Wonder,
Paul McCartney, literally
every big rock star wasthere,

and then afterwards you got to go
to the Palace for a party, right?

So we're in Buckingham place, and
there was this sudden thing where
everyone was crushed in together,

and you couldn't move,
and for about 15 minutes,

literally being able to move in
this certain corner in the palace.

And I found myself literally
squashed up against Stevie Wonder.

And I said, "Stevie,
I really enjoyed your set tonight."

And he did the impression himself,
you know...

he does do the impression,
that's the weird thing about it!

He was going, "Thanks, man,"
and he did the little head wobble.

I thought, "This is surreal," and he
couldn't move and I couldn't move.

And he was being very polite, and I
said, "I've always liked your music,

"and I'm thrilled that we were
on the same bill together..."

He didn't recognise me
but I let it go and, er...

..and then he didn't even bother
feeling my face...

as far as I'm concerned,
fucking ungrateful...but I was
really like totally starstruck,

being right next to Stevie Wonder...

I was just trying to get my moment,
I thought,
"I'll never get this moment again!"

So I was going, "Oh, yeah, I really
liked that song and I loved this
album and..." blah, blah, blah,

and as I'm talking to him
and he's being polite,

I realise what is happening,
it's simple thing to...

you know what it's like,
if you're on the telly,

often your boyfriend or girlfriend,
your partner, whatever,

is ignored sometimes
by the person talking to you.

Yeah. And it's really frustrating
and annoying
for your wife or your husband,

and so...
and I'm always very aware of that,

cos my wife gets very irritated
by it.

And I found myself,
I was talking to Stevie Wonder,

but his wife I wasn't talking to,
and I thought I'm doing the thing
that irritates me

when people, or irritates my wife,
so I'll make the effort.

So after about ten minutes
of talking to Stevie...

You said, "And, Mrs Wonder,
how are you enjoying the evening?"

Well, yeah, that's sort of what I
did, but I didn't say "Mrs Wonder".

What I said, I literally went...

so I turned from Stevie,
and I went, "How long have
you been in the country for?"

But of course Stevie,
for obvious reasons, doesn't know
I'm now looking at hiswife.

Oh, God!

So Stevie's answering the questions,
so I'm trying to gear it all
towards the wife,

the wife's literally
going to speak for a sec,

and he's coming in with the answer,

and I'm like,
"Great, yeah, that's great!" And,
"Yeah, what was the flight like?"

"Yeah, it was good, man," and
this kept going on and on and on,

where I thought I'm trying to bring
the wife into the conversation,

she's giving me that look
as if to go,
"I've had this all mylife!

"They're either ignoring me
or he's interrupting!"

She said, "I've had it up to
here..." but I thought she
was trying to look at my cock!

So in the end I had to try
and steer it towards questions

that only Stevie Wonder's wife
could answer like,
"I like your dress.

"Where did you get your dress from?"
Mrs Wonder. And then...

Mrs Wonder. I should have said
Mrs Wonder all the time.

She's probably not called Mrs
Wonder. I wouldn't have thought so,
no.

Constantly trying
to sort of ignore him

and talk to his missus but she
was just... She's not helping, no?

She's not. I should have just kept
it all female, shouldn't I?

"Nice lipstick." But he might
have gone, "Oh, thanks, man."

Did he get annoyed?

Did you sense any...?
He didn't seem to get annoyed,

but I sensed...he's very calm,
got a calm aura about him.

A man that's very hard to irritate,
I guess, although I did a good job.

Nick, can you tell me about
being fingered by Captain Kirk?

Do you know what?

I reckon that's an anecdote
that if you just leave it there,
it would be even better!

Oh, my goodness! Oh, yeah...

it was good.

..it was really good,
it was really good...

I went to see... I was
in New York and William Shatner
was doing a kind of Q & A and...

On the street.

It was amazing, it was amazing,
it was like in this tiny room,

and there was probably
about 20 people...

a section of people as big as that
and William Shatner...

No-one was there,
it was exactly like this...

And William Shatner was there
and this guy was interviewing him,

and he did this book signing
afterwards,

and you got to write your name
on a post-it-note,

or they'd take your name
and put it on a post-it note,
then just slide this thing...

and he basically
just signed everyone's...
he signed everyone's books,

and they sort of like
just like on a conveyor belt like,
not a literal conveyorbelt,

but just like... A table.

Or a table, Olivia, if we're going
to be a prick about it!

Sorry! Wooo!

Just the women! You're a knob
and you're a bell end!

And you're a dick!

So it's not just the women!

Yes, it's fine.
We're all right now.

Come on, then, you twat,
finish your story!

He was up to the conveyor belt so...

It was a conveyor belt...
it was in a supermarket!

and there wasn't...
there was no conveyor belt.

So all of the books were getting
lined along,

and then it was my turn,
and it was William Shatner
and I'm a big fan of Star Trek 4,

and it was just like,
"William Shatner's in front of me!
Oh, my God!"

And so he was kind of like
signing everything and I went,
"Do you mind if we get apicture?"

and he said, "Sure," and he didn't
look up and he just did that...

and he stuck two fingers up
like that,

his fucking fingers,
he stuck two fingers up and...

What does that mean...?

Like, "Peace out"?
I didn't know what to do,
I didn't know what to do,

so I just held them...

No!

That's awkward.

So I'm just standing there,
holding William Shatner's
two fingers there...

Not letting go!

And then I let go
and then I went on with my day...

There's a photo of me holding
William Shatner's two fingers.

And when you pulled them did he fart?

So when you said,
"What's that noise?"

He beamed up, he beamed up...
He beamed up to the Enterprise!

Yeah, there's a photo of me,
and when you actually...

you know, it's quite a fun photo,
because it's a bit blurry
and it's not incrediblyclear,

but when you actually, you know,
when you make it big on your screen,

you go into William Shatner's face
and go down to the fingers,

and there's me
holding two of his fingers,

and you go up to my face,
and I'm going,
"What the fuck are you doing?"

Yeah, it was amazing!

Listen, we can...on that note...
we can wrap this up.

At least you've got a name
for the show now. We need to think
of a title for the show,

based on something
that you've heard this evening.

Does the title go
in the Radio Times?

I certainly hope so! On the cover,
hopefully, along with a photo of me
going like that to you...

Oh, yeah, you call Shatner
and see if he's available
for the photo shoot!

Or my Nan with her knickers!

Oh, yeah, well, Red Rum's dead,
so we can't use his cock.

Oh, God! "Is there anyone in
from Kent?" is quite a good...

Yeah. If you want instant,
let's watch this from the title...

fingering William Shatner
Fingering, mainly.

People are at the very least
going to tune in...

find out... I got fingered
by Captain Kirk...and other stories.

Anyway, thank you so much.

I really thoroughly enjoyed
your company.

Thank you to Katherine Jakeways,
to Lee Mac... You can applaud!

Katherine Jakeways, Lee Mac...
Olivia Lee, Nick Helm...

And you have been watching
I've Been Fingered By Captain Kirk.

Thank you very much

Subtitles by Ericsson