Alan Davies: As Yet Untitled (2014–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Episode #1.1 - full transcript

I'm going to be on Alan Davies' show.

I haven't got a bag or anything.

Argh!

It's all I need. It's all I need.

The love of the baby Jesus
and a jelly snake.

I'm ready to lightly entertain you.

I thought it was going to be
raining.

Hello. Good evening.
Welcome to As Yet Untitled.

Tonight I'll be joined
by my guests

and we will be talking about...
I don't know what.

There's no preparation,
there's no agenda.



There's just conversation,
and hopefully by the end

of the conversation, we'll have
come up with a title for the show.

That's a limited ambition
for the evening.

So please will you
welcome my guests.

APPLAUSE

Hello.

Hello. Andrew. Hello.

Here they there. Look at them.
Aren't they good?

NOEL: Feels so weird!

I might do all my gigs like this!

I think you should...if you feel
comfortable. I think you must.

Let my introduce everyone,
in case you don't know one another.

This is Kerry Godliman,
an attractor of rabbits.

We'll get into that.



And it says here a woman who failed
to get herself into a coma.

Um...we've got Andrew Maxwell,

who was once detained
by the US military.

We'll find out more about that.

Yes. A man who's extraordinarily
proud of his lederhosen.

Danke schoen. Danke.

Noel Fielding. A man who once
disappeared from his own tour.

That would be...

And I'm delighted to welcome
Jon Ronson here,

who's a documentary film-maker...

..best-selling author
and spotter of psychopaths.
That's one of your forte...

I have been assessing
the audience already.

Do you feel like you have
an aptitude for that now?

Yeah, I'm a certified...
I've got a certificate

for attendance cos I did
a three day-course.

Psycho...psychopath spotter.
Er... Really?

The statistic, by the way, is that
one in 100 people is a psychopath,

according to Robert Hare, the kind
of king of psychopath spotting.

OK, so item one on the checklist
is grandiose sense of self worth.

Absolutely.

Then there's...

That's every comedian, isn't it?

Well, that's true. There's
promiscuous sexual behaviour.

Wow, this is...

I always thought that was like...

I love the way he's just
zeroed in on you, Noel!

I always thought that was
a funny one to have
on the psychopath checklist.

Cos I mean, my promiscuously sexual
days were quite a long time ago,

but I do look back on them
with some fondness

and I don't consider myself
psychopathic in the least.

Superficial job... Absolutely.

But er...many short-term
marital relationships.

Ah, give it time.

There's, um...
What else is there?

Is it right that...
Impulsivity. I'm sorry.

Impulsive...would you call yourself
an impulsive, er, person?

Yeah.

Well, you were in the hairdresser's,
weren't you?!

We were speaking before
the recording about Noel's got

gingertive regret about his choice -
I like it.

No, I asked for a Myra Hindley
haircut.

Did they have the poster
of her in the window?

Yeah...

Hairstyles you can go for.

Yeah, you can go Myra...

Yeah, there was basically her,
Bucks Fizz and Fabio. That was it.

You got it. Flash Gordon.

I had to pick one.

It's a lovely tinge.
I know. It's gone a bit ginge.

Have they done the tips?
Is it different shades?

I went from black to this,
which they said couldn't be done.

You just went in to prove them
wrong, then?

They were so right, weren't they?!

I want to ask you how you
managed to...I mean,

when it says "disappeared
from your own tour..."

Yeah, I'm not a magician.

Yeah. Did you make...

David Copperfield.

Is this a long time ago?

Yeah. It was about five years ago.

Not that long ago, then.

It was the Boosh big tour. Right.

I was...it was the party years.
I was partying too hard.

I went to a party after the show

and I sort of disappeared and...

Where was the show? Do you remember?
In Brighton.

At the dome of Brighton?

And they couldn't find me and the
tour manager was freaking out.

And the next afternoon they found me
in Brighton working in a shop.

LAUGHTER

Aaah...I mean...

What were you selling?
What was the shop?

Primark or something like that?

It was a vintage
second-hand shop. Of course!

And, er...

That's the first place
I would have looked for ya.

In The Lanes, basically.

Once you've partied
and been found working in a shop,

that's when you know you've got to
knock the party years on the head.

Basically, what happened was...

I met some people, and...I don't know

if I can even talk about this
on television, but...um...we were

partying and then someone suggested
the idea of magic mushrooms.

And I remember there was one girl
that said "No, I've got to go to bed.

"I've got to get up
and open a shop in The Lanes.

"I work in a clothes shop
and I've got the key and everything."

And I said...

Should explain that The Lanes is...
The Lanes are...

..a really nice little area of
Brighton with all narrow streets.

Cool shops in.
It's quite groovy, isn't it?

Which I believe is where Lesley Ash
and Phil Daniels
have sex in Quadrophenia.

In Quadrophenia. Yes. Yeah.

I like that bit.

And then, um... So basically
this girl said, "I've got to get up"
and I said, "We'll come with you.

"It'll be fine.
Stay out and party with us."

And then one by one,
everyone disappeared off to bed

and I felt obliged and
so I think about nine in the morning

we went to The Lanes and opened
the shop and she passed out.

I didn't really know what to do,
so I just stayed...

Did she open the door
and then just fall forwards into...

I've never really had a proper job,
so I just stayed in there
and started...

Did you sell anything?
Loads of stuff, yeah.

A poncho, a bag, two tops...

Of course you sold a poncho.
..some sunglasses. Brilliant.

And people came in going,
"Are you Noel Fielding?"

And I was going, "No, everyone
says that, I just look like him.

"Have you seen this bag?"

It was bizarre, and I really got into
it and so it was like nine in the

morning and I worked there all day.
Until my tour manager turned up.

Massive tour bus came outside.

And they said, "You can't, Noel,
you can't work in a shop any more.

"We've gotta do a gig
in Bristol tonight."

In Bristol?! Well, somewhere like...
I can't remember where.

Do you feel like it was another life
that you could have had?

It was pret...I was really
buzzing off it. Yeah, I loved it.

But what was quite weird was
I was sort of getting into it

and I didn't really know how
to open the till. So...

Quite key in a shop. I know.
I couldn't open the till

and I thought that I'm not really
shop-keeper material.

And, er, so I was putting
the money in, like, envelopes

and writing down what I'd sold.

I know, yeah. I've got skills.
Genius.

And then about one o'clock,

the woman who owned the shop came in
to check on the girl and I was just

sitting behind there and she just
thought the shop was being robbed.

"What are you doing?"

And I went, "Well, I've sold
a poncho, two pairs of shoes

"and these are all
the money in envelopes."

And she was like, "OK."
And she went, "Where's the girl?"

and I just went, "Oh, she's there."

Basically just looked like
I'd killed her,

so I could work in a shop.

"She's there".
Like you'd chloroformed her.

You used to see that a lot
in programmes.

Someone put a hankie over
someone's face and they'd pass out.

No. Especially not to work
in a shop.

Where was your comedy partner
Julian Barratt during all this?

I don't know actually where he was.
I don't know.

Was he ringing you desperately,
or was he thinking, "He'll turn up".

No. He was doing a shift at Greggs!

We saw you on that tour.

I was in charge of a group of about
15 ten-year-old kids... Yeah.

..on that tour. And your support
act, I can't remember her name?

Peaches, right?
Oh, yeah, Peaches the electro...

Yeah, she had this song
that went like, um...

Fuck the pain away?!

No. Brilliant.

It was, er... it was...

Lovely, lovely little...I think
it's a Noel Coward song originally?

It was Stroke...Stroke My Pussy.

And, er, and all the kids...
do you remember the song? Yeah.

OK. Do you remember how it went?

No.

So anyway, all the kids went back
to school the next day. Oh, my God.

And like,
all these like ten-year-old kids

were like in the lessons going,
# Stroke my pussy... #

And one of them got into trouble
and had to go

and see the headmaster.

Really? Yeah. I've had that where

at Latitude two years ago,
my eldest is 13 now

and at the time when he was 11,
he was there with me.

Music festival,
they've got a comedy tent.

Turns out there was
a lot of the parents

and children from his primary school
were also at Latitude.

So I'm just smashing it out,
I'm telling dirty stories,

all sorts of stuff.

Er, the gig goes grand, it's fine,
I come off stage, straightaway

I go out the back and there's me
son, who's found about four

of his mates from school going,
"Look, Dad....it's all...yeah!"

And I was like, "Ha-ha!

"Were they just at the gig,
were they in the gig?"

And they were like,
"Yeah, Mr Maxwell."

And their parents,
these are people I know...

Mr Maxwell!

I know, I know.

Suddenly you're Mr Maxwell.
Yeah, yeah.

These people I've known
since like all our kids were four.

They've never heard you
swear before? They've never, no.

None of these kids, the kids right,
I was like, "Listen..."

I just felt I had to apologise.

"Listen, I'm really sorry.
I didn't know any kids were in."

And one of the parents went,

"No, not at all, there's no problem.

"My son just asked me,
what's an abortion?"

One of the parents...
One of the other parents went,

"My son just asked me,
what's a orgy?"

I was like, "Ho-ho! Argh, ho-ho!"

There will be questions
after this show. Oh!

I felt like people
would imagine...it's weird,

because people
would imagine you swear,

but then say with Boosh they would
say, "Oh, it's pretty clean..."
Yeah, yeah.

It's quite fantastical.

But actually,
when we were doing the live show,

a lot of people wanted
to bring their kids.

I think the first series,
they repeated it at, like, 6 o'clock,

so a lot of kids got into it.

And, um...there was one bit
in the show where

I played a character called
The Hitcher and I cut off my head

and Julian's head,
and I basically...

fucked the stumps.

That's not CBeebies material, is it?
I know!

And I used to go,
"I'm a stump-fucker!"

Basically, it used to freak me out
cos I'd just look down

and there'd be loads of kids
there going... "Yay!"

And I'd be there going,
"I'm stump-fucking!"

Yeah, there's just that...
like that...

At the festivals
there's tonnes of kids there.

I'm just about to go
into this routine about paedos...

Ah, of course.

By the way, against them,
not for them.

"Is this pro-paedo material?"

You know, about paedos, is this
paedos you know? Observational.

It's not judgmental.

Just paedos I've worked
with on telly.

I'm joking, it's not the '70s -
it's a different world.

Anyway, I was just about to...
I was going to go into it and then

there was a flickering of the light,
the lights were changed or whatever.

The lighting setting changed.

And I realised there was like
a third of the audience were kids.

Right, and I'm already halfway
into this paedophile routine

and I'm surrounded by children.

And all I could think to say was,

"Kids, let's just keep
this between ourselves".

LAUGHTER

Oh, the absolute classic line.

That is observational material
about paedos.

I'm like, I just...I think,
"This cannot get any worse."

And then there was like a rustling
from underneath the stage.

Cos obviously a temporary stage.
That's how they operate.

That's why they're down there.
And out from underneath the awnings,

a four-year-old boy
pops out in his jimjams.

He's in a onesie.
Just a little kid, just pops out.

With his teddy just looking
at me...all grumpy and sleepy.

I hope...that Jimmy Savile
didn't come out after him.

Speaking of inadvertent paedophilia,
uh...

I really wish that hadn't been
pointed at me.

You know, they'll...they'll charge
you on the drop of a hat these days.

This terrible thing happened.
It's like the worst thing
that's ever happened to me.

Um, so I was in a restaurant.

We were having this...
nice night out, me and my wife,

in a fancy restaurant,
but it took ages for the food

to come so I was getting like
more and more kind of paranoid

and hungry and then finally the soup
arrives and I began to eat it

and my wife said,

"Jon, see the girl
on the next table?"

And I said, "Yeah."

And she said, "I just saw her mimic
the way that you ate your soup."

And I said, "Really?"

And she said, "Yeah, she was
doing this kind of impersonation

"for her parents of somebody
eating their soup disgustingly.

"And I know it was
an impersonation of you,

"because you are eating your soup
disgustingly."

I said, "What did her parents do?"

and she said, "They laughed." And
I felt this kind of flash of anger.

And I said,
"Well, I'm going to the toilet."

So I went to the toilet,
and then as I came back -

this was in this kind of
grand country house hotel -

as I came back, the girl was walking
towards me on her way to the toilet.

So I thought, "I've got to say
something to her." I...I...

How old is she? 13. Right, OK.

Uh...I could say... "I see you
hunched over your food frumpily,

"but I don't want to make you ill."

But then I decided
what I should do.

I thought, you know, I thought,
"It's perfect."
I thought, "I'll catch her eye

"and I will silently...

"I will silently impersonate her
impersonating me."

So not a word will pass between us,
but she'll know.

She'll know she's been caught out.

I thought, "It's simple
and devastating."

I mean, I should say
this is my wife's fault.

Cos she was kind of...
but I was fine with it.

Yeah, it's not a nice thing
to report to you.

No, exactly, I was fine with it,

but then she said her parents
smiled and they all smiled.

Did she say,
"What are you going to do about it?"

Yeah. So yeah, she did say that.

Yes.
"A real man would hit that child!"

So, I thought
I will mimic her mimicking me.

So, I...so I looked her in the eye,
and I opened my mouth

and I started to rhythmically
move my hand up...

Oh, God.

And she was looking startled
and I was thinking...

I was thinking, "This is withering,
this is just great." And I went...

And then I went...

It didn't make you feel
like a winner.

I got back to the table.
My wife said,
"You're as white as a sheet."

I said, "Can we get the bill?"

But how were you eating this soup?
Well...

That was so...

Turns out identical to the way
people mime blow jobs.

Kerry, can you tell me
in what circumstance you felt that

you needed to get yourself
into a coma?

It was...I was auditioning
for a advert for nurse recruitment.

And I...it was at the peak
of my career

and was asked to play
someone in a coma.

And, er... Living the dream.

And, um...and had to get...

As I came in, they set the chairs up
nicely so that you can be
horizontal.

You could lie down across the
chairs. Yeah. That's thoughtful.

"No, don't make me do this vertical,
it's embarrassing enough."

And they said,
"Get in the position".

And they set the camera up.

And the base, the outline of
the ad was that it was to say

nurses make a difference.

So for the entire
beginning of the shot,

and it was a still shot of just
a person's face - hopefully me! -

someone's face just being in a coma

and then in the background
you hear the nurse come on duty,

changing shifts and then
the new nurse comes on and goes,
"All right, Julie?"

And then that was the one
I've got a connection with,

so there's a flicker in my face,
to say, "Nurses make a difference."

Just by that, they've brought
you out of the coma.

You don't come out of the coma.

You just, there's a...yeah,
there's just a...like that.

So that nurse has got a connection
with Julie, the comatosed woman.

It was moving
when you did it just then.

Well, I did a lot of prep.

So um...but I was...they said,
"You can't blink at the beginning,

"it's very important
that you don't blink".

And of course, you know,
like, it goes back to swearing

when you're not meant to swear
for a telly gig.

Suddenly you're dropping C bombs.
I did that in a blinking context.

The minute they went, "action",
I was just Benny Hill.

I just couldn't stop blinking.
I don't know what happened.

I don't know why I didn't get
the job, Alan - you could have just
used a freeze-frame.

Yeah, or a photograph. Exactly.

That's what I said, but I think
they had the pick of the crop.

There were about 50 women
in for that job.

It's bound to be very difficult,
actually, to play the role of
someone asleep or...

Or dead. ..or dead.
It's really hard.

You're not allowed to breathe.

We did an episode of Jonathan Creek
where there was a corpse in a bath.

And the actress was already
a bit uncomfortable,

because she was pregnant
and hadn't told anyone.

And they had her lying in a bath
in a slightly odd position.

And they don't really think
about how long they're going to be.

She was in that bath for a couple
of hours. That's awful.

You know, it's not...
it's not comfortable...

Who's her agent?
..trying to be dead.

Arrested by the US military?
Yeah. Well...detained.

I take it this happened
in the United States, did it?

Yeah, at Area 51. Wow.

We were pursuing aliens.

Did you have any luck with that?

Quite elusive, as it turns out.

Now, this is the notorious spot
in Nevada?

Yeah, it's about 70 miles
north of Vegas in the Nevada desert,

and it's where the Americans have
developed their drone technology,

and that's why it's secret.

Is that where they keep
all the stuff they find?

Well, that's...that's
the UFO...that's the mythology.

Is it just a big warehouse
full of Frisbees sprayed silver?

It's big... Massive Frisbees.

"We take ten men to fly this one,
buddy."

I once went UFO...I went UFO hunting
with Robbie Williams one time.
Robin?

Robbie Williams out of Take That?
Yeah, Robbie Williams.

He's a massive ufologist.

Yeah, he phoned me up...
I want to hear...

Go, go, go on. Um, yeah, yeah.

I got a phone call from
Caitlin Moran, the writer, saying,

"Stay by your phone,
Robbie Williams is going to phone."

And I thought,
"That's much too stressful,"

so I turned off the phone...

LAUGHTER

..and I went for dinner.

And then I came back...
You know, yeah.

I know what you mean.
It's frightening.

Yeah. I once got a call saying that
Bono was going to call me

and I did the same.
"Oh, I can't deal with that."

Well, he, um...
So you got an answerphone message?

Yeah, I got an answerphone message.

A very delightful answerphone
message basically saying

he was in Blackpool
and he wanted to spend

a night in a haunted house
and he liked my book, Them...

Great book. Thank you very much.

..and would I set one up for him.
So I said OK.

So I went on the internet
and I found all these ladies of the

manor and I e-mailed them all and
I was going, "Dear Lady blah-blah,

"I read that if the portrait
in your drawing room is moved,

"a ghost apparently
manifests itself.

"I've been contacted by the pop star
Robbie Williams..."

And I thought
I wouldn't hear back from anyone,

but 100% of the people I e-mailed
e-mailed back straightaway.

Well, you mentioned Robbie.

They were like, they were like
throwing their ghosts

at Robbie like they were...

like they were
their debutante daughters.

Anyway, then Robbie said
that he'd changed his mind

and he didn't want to spend
the night in a haunted house.

He was going to meet
some alien abductees in Nevada.

He's so fickle, isn't he? He is.

Ghosts or aliens?! Well, he said
he wanted to meet some abductees

and he said he was going to hire
a plane for the day,

a private plane for the day,
and did I want to come?

We've all been there, eh, Kerry?
Yeah, it's a normal day, really.

So I said...and he got
a bit of buyers' remorse.

He said a couple of times
that he wished he hadn't spent
all that money on the plane.

So we turned up, and this is my
favourite part of the whole day...

We turned up and we got a car
to the foot of this plane

and we got out the car and there was
a woman standing there.

And she said, "Mr Williams
and Mr Williams's friends,

"welcome, this
is your plane for the day."

She said, "What I want to tell you
is Snoop Dogg uses this plane."

She said, "What I'm saying
is you can do anything."

I don't know why,
I just feel it's going to be soiled.

We all kind of looked at each other
as if, like, you know,

we're in our 40s now,

and Robbie's friend Brandon said,

"Can we stand up
as the plane lands?"

Contravened safety regulations!

That and a burrito.

When the Boosh did
a gig at Brixton Academy,

I think Snoop Dogg had played
the day before,

and they had to basically get...

Hose it down? Wash it down?

Yeah, yeah. Febreeze it?

Cleaning team to get the
dressing rooms. And I went, "What?

"What do you mean? Was it bad?"

And they went, "Broken glass
and condoms everywhere."

I was, like, "Wow!"
It's a great album, though.

Only last week I killed my hamster.

Get on the floor, now!

So, so OK, so what happened then?
You went to Area 51.

Oh, yes. So how it all came about
was I did a series for BBC 3 called

Conspiracy Roadtrip,

where me and a bunch of lunatics
in a bus travelling around America,

meeting experts, other loons,
and bickering with each other

and it was telly bronze.

It was a lot of fun, but I have
to say the ufologists of all the

different conspiracists that I met
on the road, they were the most fun.

So I convinced them, there's no way
when we get to the base,

there's no way we're going to be
actually able to meet the aliens.

Yeah. But we can communicate
with them

through the universal
language of dance.

So we developed all
these dance routines with

geometric shapes, you know.

Brrrp, beep, boop! Beep, boo!

We get out to Area 51, the most
secured, secret place in America.

And it's just
a railway crossing with

nothing either side of it.

And it's a railway crossing
with about 20 signs going,

"We will shoot you.

"You come here, we'll shoot you.
We will shoot you.

"We will shoot you. I'll shoot you.

"He'll shoot you and he'll take
pictures while I shoot you."

We're doing our dance routines.

We've been in a bus for hours.

We were just happy
to be anywhere.

We were just, "Beep, boop,
boop, beep."

Now, my plan was that we'd do
this for like a minute.

Some American soldiers
would come out.

We'd have them
on camera going, "Piss off."

Bit of funny footage
for the programme.

Bosh, there you go. Nobody.

Nobody came out?

But a light's
gone on at the Pentagon by now.

Yeah, nothing, we're there.
Ping, uh-oh.

Nothing, nothing happens
so we can't leave it like this.

So I put me
hand under the fence like that.

And all the people
I was with were like, "Argh!"

They were expecting "zoom"
from space! "Argh!"

I'm an armless comedian.

Nothing. Yeah, weirdly, nothing
happens right. Nothing happens.

So I'm putting the other arm in
and now putting a leg under.

Now I'm in the base.
Right, I limbo-ed under.

Hey!
Putting your arms and legs in?

Yes. In the Hokey Cokey.

That was it, like that.
Next thing, they're all in.

We're all in. Now, we're between
one gate and the other gate,
and there's the hut

there which has sort of mirrored
glass, you know, but nothing.

We're, "Beep, boop, boop, beep,
beepy, boop, boop." Nothing, right.

Bear in mind, we're a collective
age of about 1,500, right.

We're all middle-aged people.

Nobody's young,
but somewhere along the way,

I believe you call
it in England, Knock Down Ginger?

Yeah? Oh, right.

We decided we'd do
a knick-knack on the door,

right, of the hut, right.

And we were like sneaking...
And then run away?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was it.

So we were sneaking up...
He-he-he-he-he!

And at this stage we've been on
the base for about half an hour.

"Going to knock on the door.
You do it.

"You do it."
One of the cameramen just goes up.

Dink, di dink, dink. Door bursts
open. 20 paramilitary soldiers.

HE SCREAMS

Machine guns. Shit. Yeah, literally.

"This is all right,
but if they touch this door..."

All those dudes
are giants. White and black dudes.

Giants. Machine guns.
"Get on the floor now!"

One of the people with us
wets herself.

You would, though. Was it
terrifying? Yeah, yeah.

So where do they take you?
Further into the base?

So they make us
lie on the desert floor.

Did they not like the dancing?

They...

They've been watching
the whole thing, right?

They enjoyed the dancing.
For half an hour.

Yeah, it turns out afterwards...

Doing this with their phones
like that, "Look at these idiots."

The fuckers knock.

"It's regulation.

"If there's a knock on the door
you have to do them."

They make us
all lie down on the floor.

Everybody was crapping themselves,
but

when you're a comedian
you can't...even

if you've been told to not speak,
you just...the pregnant silence,

and I just let out the most
tuneful fart of my life.

And it was, you know what I mean?

And then an alien appeared.
Like Close Encounters.

And then it went "bong"!

We were there
and they made us wait there

and eventually the sheriff shows up
and he is...

AMERICAN ACCENT: I gotta tell you,

he's like the nicest,
sweetest man you ever met.

Oh, right? So it becomes
a local law enforcement issue.

The military hand it over to the...
Yeah.

Is he like the sheriff of Live And
Let Die, you know, the Bond film?

No, he was super friendly.
No, he was a really nice guy.

That's what I learnt cos
we were filming in the South West,

they're all Mormons
and he's a Mormon.

You might want to dislike
Mormons for their crazy ideas,

but when you actually meet them,

the sweetest people
you'll ever meet.

Good manners?

They're a whole
religion of Ned Flanders.

This guy shows up
and he just takes us

one after another to... I went,
"Look, it's my fault.

"I'll go first."

"You'll go last, buddy."

So they make me wait and one after
another they're all led out there

and I'm overhearing them going,
"We're here to release the aliens".

I'm like, "Oh!

"Oh, no, no, no."

One after another, "We know
you've got them there." "Oh, shush!"

You needed a plan B and say, "If we
get detained, it's a stag night.

"And stick to that story,
don't mention aliens."

So I'm the last one, I go out

and I'm like, "Listen, mate,
I'm really sorry,

"this is all my fault -
I'm a comedian, we got overexcited.

"They believe in aliens.

"I know it's a super duper
military base.

"They think you've got aliens there.

"I suppose this happens
all the time." And he went, "No."

He goes, "Yeah, good thing
I came out, cos I gotta tell ya,

"my boss the sheriff, he's hard ass.

"And he wanted to bring out
the prison van straightaway."

Oh, good cop, bad cop.
Yeah, yeah. So he...

It sounds like you're in a programme
from the '70s. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He says, "I've had to drive an
hour and a half across the county."

He goes, "From come over." I went,
"Sheriff, I'll deal with it."

So I'm coming across,
I'm listening to this,

they go, "We've had
a mass invasion at the base."

Right, right, OK.

About 20 minutes later, I get
another, "There's ten of them,

"they're being led by a comedian."

So, he goes, "Then I heard
you're Andrew Maxwell, right?"

And I'm like, "Yeah" and he goes,
"Yeah, well, anyway, on the way

"over here it's a long drive across
the desert, so I Googled you."

"First thing it came up with you in
a show called Live At The Apollo.

"I gotta say, you got a potty mouth,

"but you're one funny
son of a bitch."

That was it.

He goes, "There and then I thought,
'I'm gonna give you boys a break.'"

I had a similar thing, though,
one time to what you just said.

I got this tip-off from
a special forces person.

I'd heard that there was
a secret military unit that was

trying to kill goats just by staring
at them. Right.

And then so I kind
of asked around about who was...

I said, "Did anyone ever manage it?"

And he said, "Yeah, one person.

"But his heart got damaged
at the same time." I said,

"Was the goat psychically
fighting back?"

and he said, "No,
the goat didn't stand a chance."

He said,
"It's what's known in paranormal

"circles as sympathetic injury."

And by the way, one time
they had 30 goats in a room and

they were all staring at goat number
16 and goat number 17 fell over.

Took one for the team.

Maybe collateral damage.
Um, but, so anyway...

They missed.

But we managed to
track down the goat starer,

the man who did it,
to a dance studio in Ohio.

His name was Guy Savelli and
he's now a dance teacher. Wow.

So and we phoned him up and
we said, "Is it true that you once

"killed a goat just by staring
at it at Fort Bragg?"

And he went, "Yeah."

We said, "Do you still, do you still
practise the technique?"

And he said, I swear to God,

he said, "Only last week I killed
my hamster just by staring."

And he said... And he said...

"We've got a..." He said...

He said...

"And I filmed it". And I said,
"Well, can I come and..."

Oh, that's psychopathic.

Yeah, well. And I said,
"Can I come and see the film?"

Snuff. Snuff movie.

So we all
went over there to Ohio

to Kirtland, Ohio, to the Savelli
Dance and Martial Arts studio.

Dance and Martial Arts? Yeah. Wow.

So if you don't get them one way
you'll get 'em the other?

You either win their hearts
or you kill them.

And the whole time
we were there, they were filming,

they were filming us.

And so we were filming them
and they were filming us.

And I was like saying,
"Why are you filming us?"

and they said, "Oh, no reason."

And then and they showed us
the video, which by the way,

at the end of the video
the hamster does...

eating, eating on its wheel, wheel,
wheel, wheel, wheel.

Gets off the wheel, in the straw,
goes like that

and then gets up
and starts eating again.

And then the video ends.

So I said,
"That's inconclusive at best."

And he said, "My wife said,
don't show them the part

"where the hamster dies in case
he's like a bleeding heart liberal.

"Just show him the part
where the hamster acts weird."

So that was shit, but...

But eventually they confessed
while we were filming them.

And it was because when we phoned
them up, they thought, you know,

"How did they track us down?

"How did they know this?
They must be Al Qaida."

So they phoned up,
so they phoned up special...

Obviously, yeah.

So they phoned up special forces

and said, "I think we've got
an Al Qaida guy sniffing around."

And special forces said, "Film him,

"we wanna see what he looks like.

"Film them."
So that's why they were filming us.

And I think, I worked out...
And by the way, this guy

wasn't, like, a fraud, he showed us
photographs of the experiment room

at Fort Bragg and pictures
of him with the Fort Bragg soldiers.

So, you know, he was certainly
at Fort Bragg

doing the goat-staring experiments,
like, no question.

So, anyway, I worked out the moment
when they realised that

I wasn't Al Qaida.

And it was when I found out that
Guy Savelli's daughter had

danced in the movie Chicago
with Richard Gere.

And I kind of screeched, I said,
"I love Catherine Zeta Jones,"

and they all kind of relaxed
and I think what they must have

thought to themselves
at that moment, you know,

even a really deep-cover
Al Qaida operative

wouldn't think to go
that effeminate.

I was going, "Come back!"
to this bunny.

It's quite violent
and you get to bum someone.

Bumming isn't flirtatious.

Can you tell me - on the subject
of rodents and animals and so on -

why is it that you're so attractive
to rabbits?

What is it? Well, they're not...
it's not a real rabbit.

Oh, OK. Compared to that anecdote,
this is awful.

Dirtier? No, I...

It was just that I was thinking
that sometimes when people use
the phrase "surreal"

and having had a surreal experience
and they often haven't.

Right. It's just a phrase used,
isn't it? Something being surreal.

But I remember,
I was working at a market,

in Covent Garden Market years ago,
and on an Easter Sunday

and I was just staring at a bloke
in a zip suit.

You know what a zip suit is,

when they're just someone
dressed up as a character. Yeah.

What was...what was his zip suit?
Can you remember?

Er, an Easter bunny.
He was a rabbit.

So his eyes were just these huge,
you know, just big black eyes

and whatever and he was quite
across the way, across the plaza

and I was just sat on this market
stall that I worked on,

probably hung-over and bored,

and we just sort of had
a moment where we were...

I think I was flirting
with the rabbit.

I was flirting. When you're looking
at the rabbit zip suit,

are you looking at the rabbit eyes

or is there a mesh thing
where the human eyes are?

I thought he was an actor I could
have a night out with, right?

I thought he was
an out-of-work actor.

I was really desperate.

Sweating away in there. I was
desperate in those days. Anything.

Was this... Covent Garden.

It's a real rabbit, right?

Just a giant rabbit.
Is that what's happened?

Just a bloke,
but because he was far away

and we were having this sort
of moment of head tilt

and, "Hey, you."

And then he finally...

Yeah, he was like holding -

I thought, "OK, he's not living
the dream, but..."

"..neither am I".

I'm working on Easter Sunday on
a leather goods market stall, right.

So I thought we could have a flirt,

then if he clocks off at sort of six
and then we might go for a drink,
who knows?

He's sort of doing the head tilt

and then he walks over
and I thought, "He's confident."

He walked? He walked.
Oh, didn't even hop.

I know, he wasn't committed.
He dropped it immediately.

I should have foreseen problems.

And he just came quite close up and
I thought, "We're gonna

"have a chat now," and he went,

"Hello, Kerry Godliman,"
and just walked off.

And I couldn't leave the stall
cos I was manning this.

I didn't know who he was
and I was going, "Come back!"

to this bunny in Covent Garden.

Just going, "Come back!" Then I got
a break 20 minutes later when my
boss came back

and I was running around
Covent Garden going,

"Has anyone seen an Easter bunny?"

There's loads of Easter bunnies
cos it's Easter Sunday,

so they're all doing you know,
bits and bobs of...

Bunny work. Bunny work.

Giving out leaflets for strip clubs
or, you know,

all manner of promotion work.

And it went on for some time

and I did for a long time
afterwards,

say to anyone that knew me,

"Do you know anyone that's been
doing zip work as a bunny,

"because I'm looking for this
bloke."

No-one knew
what I was talking about.

I think they thought I'd lost it.

Did he have a distinctive suit?
Is there any...?

No, he was a bunny.
He just was a bunny.

What, did we expect him
to have a tattoo?

It's just, like, might have been
pink or you know.

It was just too weird.

It's like Donnie Darko.

It was exactly like Donnie Darko.
Weirdly, in the Boosh,

I used to fantasise
about a big white rabbit...

Harvey style?

..that would come in and,
um...bum you.

OK, that's...

I saw you do an absolutely brilliant
thing, you and Julian.

Was it at the Albert Hall? Yeah.
In a big charity event. Yeah.

And giant bunnies came out
and bummed you, didn't they?

Didn't they? Yeah.
Do you know this bloke?

You know this bloke, don't you?

If you Google it and donate
to the charity.

One of the funniest things I've
ever seen. That may be your man.

But they used to say it's a game

called pelt the rabbit
and his big white face.

And basically a rabbit comes in
and he basically bums you

and you've got to pelt him
in the face.

That's not a game,
that's a horrific sequence.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS
That's a nightmare.

That's a horrific sequence of events.

And then at the end,
a rabbit needs to come in and bum me

at the end of the show.

You've got a happy ending.

..different people to play
the rabbit.

So one night Johnny Burrell
from Razorlight bummed me

as a rabbit and it became quite
a cool thing to do.

"Have you been the rabbit yet
to bum Noel on the show?"

But so how many of these people
did it?

- Did they reveal themselves?
- No, they never did.

That was the cool thing about it.

So it was sort of a lot
of bands in Camden going,

"Have you been the rabbit yet?
I really wanna be the rabbit."

Incredible.

So great a role because no-one
knows who you are

and it's quite violent
and you get to bum someone.

When this happened to you and this
rabbit came out and said your name,

this is before...before your career
where you're working on television?

Yeah, it was just that clearly
someone who knew me from a job
or school or something.

You grew up in London, didn't you?
Yeah.

So did you think,
"I know that accent"

Well, I just had to go...

It just went on and on and on.
I became, like, very, well...

Incredibly paranoid, I'd...
Totally paranoid.

And said to everybody
for a long time after,

"Do you know who is the rabbit?
Please tell me."

And he just walked away from the
whole thing?

He just walked away like that,
like, "Yeah, yeah, laters."

And I knew he was winding me up.

Whoever it was was on a wind up.
It's an amazing thing.

Yeah, and it was just very odd.
And you've never...

I've found out since, yeah.
Oh, you have.

You have found out? Oh, yeah, yeah.
I found out months and months later.

Who was it?
Oh, it was just a bloke called Sean.

But the way he revealed himself...

The way he revealed himself,
cos I hadn't seen him

for ages or whatever then I saw him
at a thing and he came over

and went, "Hello, Kerry Godliman."

And I went, "You are the one!

"You're the rabbit! You fucking..."
Sean the Rabbit.

What was just odd was just
the way it affected me mentally.

It went on and on and on.
And it was very, very upsetting.

What was it about, like, your psyche
that it kind of burrowed its way
in there?

I thought I was cracking up.

I thought, like, "Did I imagine that
or...?"

I just couldn't fathom how
this bloke knew...

Cos you couldn't see his lips move,
you might have just heard the voice.

And it was the slightly flirty way
of, "Hello, Kerry Godliman."

More than slightly flirty. Totally.

He dropped the hop,
he walked towards you.

Totally. He didn't bum me, though,
so there's, um...

It wasn't my rabbit, then.

I have to say for legal reasons,
bumming isn't flirtatious.

Can you tell me
about your lederhosen?

Oh, yeah. Oh, well, it's...

The lederhosen enthusiasm.

Well, it has, it's grown into
a genuine passion for
the lederhosen.

Myself and Marcus Brigstocke,
we started our own comedy festival

out in the Alps, called Altitude,
seven years ago,

cos we're both mad snowboarders,

so we wanted to take our hobby
and stuff it into our job.

And for the last four years,
we've been in this town in Austria

called Mayrhofen.

And the Austrians
are just wunderbar!

They're wonderful.

"You bring comedy to our town? Ja!"

Like this is a...

They'd already built a 1,000-seat
purpose-built theatre

in a ski resort, with nothing to do.

They were, "We built it, you know,
in case." You might as well do it.

"In case somebody needs
one of those."

Shakespeare on skis.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We originally were
in the French Alps,

but the French were just impossible
to work with.

They really don't have a word
in French for entrepreneur.

And it just...unless
it's a jazz festival

and been organised
by the local communist party,

they've no idea why you're there.

So we moved to the Austrian Alps
and we met the mayor.

And the mayor and the head of
tourism went,

"We would like to present you
with your own lederhosen."

I went, "Oh, yeah, sure, dude,
why not?"

We get there and it's like 400 euros
worth of lederhosen.

Like these things aren't cheap,
right?

They get me in the lederhosen,
all the gear and they went,

"We have also,
hopefully you don't mind this,

"but we've also got...

"I believe you call wenches?

"We have got you two wenches."

So there's two women in traditional
gear. You know with....

A couple of roles there
for actresses.

Yeah, who's their agent?

Who's their agent?
Horst Van Winkiedinkle.

Do you know him?

So they get me these two girls
were...from the town.

They weren't actresses
or...you know.

They were just
in the traditional gear

and they just walked around,
linking arms with me all day long,

while I just "guten abend"
people in lederhosen.

And at the end of the day,
I thought I'd have to return them,

but they were like, "No, we would
like you to keep them." What?

And since then, this is four years,

we've just did the festival.
Where are they? Are they here?

No, I haven't got them here.
I've got them at home.
They're here tonight!

Da-da-da, Helga and Ulrika!

But I've still got the lederhosen.

For four years now,
I've done the entire festival,

all week - snowboarding, gigging,
everything - in the lederhosen.

And I have to tell you, boys,
I was -

this applies to ladies as well,
but particularly for men -

there's no pants,
it's just man and leder.

Really?

Leder being, it's leather trousers.
It's as simple as that, is it?

Oh, it's the comfort. Oh, my God.

Is it? Alan, it's like being cupped
by a shammy hand.

Oh! Oh!

We have to come up for a title
for this show

and I think we might have
stumbled upon it.

Well, they're fantastic.
It's so comfortable.

It's Like Being Cupped
By A Shammy Hand.

I thought we were going to go...
Groped With A Gardening Glove.

It's A Bloke Called Sean.
I thought that was going to be it.

Well, people, I'm going to call
this show Cupped By A Chamois Hand

and I'd like to thank you all
for attending.

So my thanks to Noel Fielding,
Andrew Maxwell, Kerry Godliman

and Jon Ronson.

You have been watching
Cupped By A Shammy Hand.

Thank you very much and good night.